What u think of the song lyrics I'm workin on
>>64264554
pretentious as fuck
i hope you will never be an artist
decent ideas going on but you've phrased them really fucking badly
improve your english skills and then try again
>>64264554
>Whose
Who's
>>64264554
p good r8 mine
What is this supposed to be about?
these are all terrible, start your song with "i fucked you in half" and wrap it up with a quip on jizzing snowmen
>>64264648
perfect 10 here
>let's all
just say lets totally
>lets steal car and ride into a sun
totally omit or rework that line
how about this rap cabron's?
>>64264648
the songbird of our generation
>>64264617
Hey I'm just trying to build my skills - I appreciate criticism when it's constructive, but ur comment does nothing to help me
>>64264698
Forgot the post lyrics
Too much i too much he.
I dont cabout your feelings as a listenrr. I wan to feel
r8, h8, deb8
It's more about how you song them. Garbage lyrics are hard to save, but oh well. I'd avoid using so many fucking cliches, like into the sun and birdcage analogy. Come up with something original. I honestly don't know whats reedemable from that pile of shit but that's how you learn, by shitting a lot of awful lines.
How about these:
Half a million dicks up in my ass
I'm just hustling for some cash
Pay for my gas and the shit I smoke through that glass
Gotta have class
Sucking all them dongs real fast
With my pinky up, you know I don't give a fuck
Cause with some luck I'll stick this buddy in some dudes butt
That's what's up, there's jizz all up in my a-hole
And if you bust a nut, you might fit it in my guac bowl
here's how the song sounds
i think hearing it gives you a better sense of the lyrics
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1fI2T8DcpPB
What do u guys think of my song? Pop/hip hop
hey /mu/ I'm an up and coming rapper and would appreciate all the feedback I can get
>>64264956
Made me laugh a lot for some reason so 10/10
how's my song coming along dudes
>>64264554
First 2 lines are some top 40 shit.
Literally stop.
R8 mine
>>64264948
ITAOTS was released like 18 years ago stop boning it
>>64265148
ive never listened to 'ITAOTS' in my life get off my dick bitch
>>64264554
Super clunky, like no meter at all, I'd be interested to see how you fit it into a song. Your vocabulary is really lacking too, if you're going to use rhyme so sparingly you need to make up for it with some other poeticism or nicer words, or just some really solid composition, your lyrics are just boring as they currently stand.
>>64264554
>>64264648
>>64264725
>>64264816
>>64264956
>>64264992
>>64265074
>>64265129
>no fire/desire line
You are all lyrical hacks
>>64265201
How have you never listened to Jeff Mangum but still sound like you're trying to copy him
>>64265228
i sing a lot of nmh songs cuz theyre fun, but i wasnt actively trying to imitate him
>>64264709
Never become an artist.
>>64265276
>i sing a lot of nmh songs
>ive never listened to 'ITAOTS'
what
>>64265292
why
>>64265306
I only listened to on Avery island
I love you OP
>>64265310
not him, but think about the a chorus that starts with the words "the birdcage door is open.."
like really dude. not to pile on all the hate but just write more, read books, listen to music etc.
>>64265371
Are you new to /mu/? Have you just discovered that music doesn't begin and end with le Beatles and Ed Sheeran?
I'm not trying to make fun of you I'm just genuinely struggling to believe that someone on this board hasn't heard ITAOTS.
>>64265292
shut up my man. OP actually has potential lyrical skills.
>>64265418
no offense but shut the fuck up. this is a music board, not a 'obsessively listen to retarded indie music' board. I make music, you listen to whatever garbage you can get your hands on. that's the difference between you and me. when im on that stadium stage we'll both know which path was the wiser.
ok ok are these lyrrics better???
>>64265496
how about some real emotion instead of just listing things
>>64265452
Calm your tits dude. It's not "retarded indie music", I first heard that shit like a decade ago and I don't even like it that much, but it's a pretty good entry point into more interesting music.
To be honest I think you'd benefit from listening to more music. The problem with your lyrics and the clip you posted is that it sounds derivative. I don't think that you lack talent by any means and I hope that you can achieve your dreams of performing music.
However, if you want advice (which you obviously do hence posting here), I would say to do some more fieldwork, broaden your horizons. Listen to different types of music and some different lyrical approaches.
Your songwriting will improve big time and you will grow a lot as a musician, and it's also really fun. If you love music, surely you'll want to do this anyway.
My songwriting has improved exponentially in the past 5 years since I stopped listening exclusively to one or two genres. We all have to start somewhere.
Check out some different albums, even look into some /mu/core even though I despise the term, and I think it'll do your writing a world of good.
I wish you the best of luck.
>>64264554
kys my man
scrolling through mu
i used to love life
and then i left you
and now ive got a new wife
its my hand
>>64265496
Pretty great desu
>>64265496
"you dropped everything like dove"
>>64264554
thanks for the lyrics op
>>64264554
Thanks for the lyrics man, I've been rattling my head to finish these last two songs for my album. My genre is shitcore and buttrock
>>64264816
best itt
>>64264948
Like a really bad version of The Mountain Goats. Melody meanders a lot, which would be okay if your lyrics were real top notch. As it stands this song is bad, the kind of thing you write in an afternoon and trash the next day after reading it again
>>64265452
>>64265496
lol holy shit bro check yourself before you shrek yourself. New lyrics are better in some ways -- broader vocabulary, more interesting imagery. However, the rhymes are really simplistic, and I can't respect anyone over the age of 18 or writes about jocks and shit.
>not just yelling wordless syllables underneath a wall of reverb
You gave me a teddy bear dipped in perfume to remind me of how you would smell.
I stashed him away in my underwear drawer with
the other things I ought to sell.
does anyone like this?
>>64265932
this
the language meme needs to end
F A M WHEN THE MIXTAPE
make way plebs
I was left in a dark room
drowning in water
wew not cool
the fingers of god grabbed me by neck
and hung me on a wire, ready to be checked
chorus
look at me I am a photograph
please kill me I have no lungs
look at me I'm in black a white
at least I'm artsy but I have no rights
>>64266051
Ugh
R8 me
>>64266051
why do u sell ur underwear
post pics
>>64266162
I like the varied imagery, though I'm struggling to get a sense of theme. Would probably listen, 7/10
>>64266162
Lot's of really meaningless imagery, like you're obviously trying really hard to do the acid alliteration thing but don't have anything to put into it. Make your words mean something
>>64266380
Cheers man, I get what you mean.
Will definitely work on it man.
>>64266541
Noted
I'm forever trying to improve. However harsh I'll take your point on board.
>>64266555
No problem, always keep writing! You'll only get better. And you've already got more talent than most
Here's an old one of mine. Rates / feedback much appreciated
>>64266695
I like it.
I quite like the quiet cardboard line. At first read it seemed a bit pointless but on the second read everything seemed very 'past parelled'. (obviously meaning in the past everything, including the cardboard, was loud and busy).
Unless that wasn't the intent and you suck ha. Jk
>>64266872
Thanks for the feedback!
The intent of the cardboard boxes being quiet is to provide contrast in volume, which helps to define the noisiness of the breath and rain. I also hoped that, since cardboard is hardly ever loud, taking the extra step of calling it quiet would personify the boxes. I wanted there to be a sense of loneliness throughout the song that the objects would help instill
Here's mine:
>Here we are tonight
>And it's alright
>'Cause I can feel your fire
>It's a burning desire
>And I'm on my knees
>Begging you please
>Please be my girl
>'Cause you're the best in the world
How is it so far?
>>64266051
I think it's one of the better ones in this thread.
I couldn't go a day without you
so who says I can make it a year
I couldn't make it alone without you
so why bother, why bother
slowly walking through these open doors
nobody around me
alone forever more
why even try, why even try
if I was without you
I'd die
PLEASE R8 MINE
>In the name of the witch I cut the head off a mule
>I gutted it, put it on and then I wore it to school
Yeah, that ain't the only thing I wore, I wore a clip and some rounds
A fuckin lunatic with this mule head and i'm clippin 'em down
>Because i'm all outta choices and my voice
>is unheard
>You and your boys get the worst I aim you forehead it burst.
>I'm evil. Fires in my sky. I see no diamonds it's true.
>Aim for your guts and blow your breakfast out behind you.
>I'm one with the Wolf
>>64267329
I smell a hit.
PLEASE R8
>>64267370
apathy endlessness
no sense of hope
now that you're gone
oh, how will I cope?
what do I do? what do I do?
How do I live without you?
Dis one for you niggas in the white middle classes/
I like your green sweater and ya nice pair of glasses/
Bitch
>>64267518
>dis one for you niggas in white middle classes/
>I like your green sweater and ya nice pair of glasses/
>bitch
what did he mean by this?
1, 2 ,3 (can u keep up)
i saw the devil
he sold me socks
i wear them cos its winter
my nigga splinter (good dude)
i love turtles
i love ass and pussy
(sick flip on the word play)
my cove empty
i need a sentry
to keep out the uninvited entrys
if u feel me
>>64267566
You thought it was over? Ha.
Nigga, talk to me like dat u get killed/
Askin me what I mean, I'll stay chill but/
U dirty fuckin bitch need to learn to read/
What I meant was in the post or do u want to bleed/
Bitch
>>64267566
>>I like your green sweater
damn.......
Hey, so I've got one poem/song that I would like to hear genuine opinions about, but it's really long. Should I post it ?
>>64267370
>>64267511
baka, nigga put this to a chirpy/happy beat, it'll work, awkward as fuck tho
>>64267755
Yeah go for it man
Op...not bad at all. Don't listen to these neckbeard, tone-deaf keyboard critics, who probably can't carry a tune to sAve their lives. Do you, man.
>>64267755
you could always plaintext it on a text host site and link it here
>>64267755
I see you still talk like you did in the old times
When you would always rely on your make believe
Trying to escape with your old partner in crime
How hard must it have been to find you were decieved
Well, who's gonna believe you now ?
And I see now the lies you told were not all lies
Was that some kind of wicked game you were playing ?
And I can see it now by the look in your eyes
That the truth was something you didn't need saying
Well, will you start telling it now ?
It ain't that clear to me with my head in a cloud
But still I think you were waiting on someone
You tried to disappear and mingle with the crowd
Hoping to pass by the one you could call "The One"
Well, has he come yet ?
You chose to take the gambler's highway to the west
Hurry down the road and maybe you'll find Ceasar
If you have heard the stories, you'd know he's the best
To dig up the graves and unearth all your treasures
Well, what did you find under the sunset ?
But don't you know darling, the sky is new, the earth is old
Your youth is warm but your skin is cold
Well, don't you know darling, your greatest lie was true
And Red is dead, and Red is blue
That's the first verse, one of my weakest I feel. Also, english is not my mother tongue and it's actually one of my first poem in english.
I'm trying to write as fast as I can since I have to copy from paper to her.
>>64265496
why can't those goddamn doves ever hold anything in their hands..fuck
>>64268016
Now you're threading in dark places, your head held high
So you can look down on everybeggar you meet
Maybe you don't want to see that the way they cry
Is a proof that you're looking for the wrong culprit
Well, who will you declare guilty now ?
But what can I say, and who am I to blame you
I forgot that you never could fit anywhere
And I believe you'd say the same about me too
We always needed to be where the troubles were
Well, did you find new troubles now ?
These old love poemes that you wrote ? Yes, I've kept them
'Cause there're still traces of your tears on the paper
Under this pile of words, I'm searching for a gem
One bearing your perfume to help me remember
Well, for whom did you really write ?
Will you take good care of who's following your back ?
Sometimes, even your shadow can become a threat
But if you manage to find the courage you lack
Then you will not know sorrow and you will not fret
Well, do you think you'll be alright ?
But don't you know darling, the ice is thin, the load is heavy
Your hands are sure but your legs are shaky
Well don't you know darling, before we're through
That Red is dead and Red is blue
Second verse. There's three more to go like that, continue ?
>>64268321
it's pretty neat, i'll read more
Somebody once told me a bull was gunna cuck me
I am the biggest cuck in the shed
He was looking kind of hung with his finger in her bum
And the shape of a cock on her forehead
Well, the bull starts fucking and he don't stop fucking
Cock in her butt and she's moaning and cumming
Didn't make sense not to live like scum
His cock is big and it's in her bum
So much to do so much to see
So what's wrong with having my wife pleased
You'll never know if you don't go
His black cock's in her asshole
Hey now, I'm a dumb cuck, find a black bull, then pay
Hey now, I'm a dumb cuck, now her cunts filled, I'm gay
And now her dream is fulfilled
Bull was shooting loads, now she's filled
>>64268321
>>64268407
Just for you anon, the third verse, which I think is the worst; I probably should redo the middle part
That’s quite the gallery of characters you’ve met
Along your journey to find yourself and others
Follows Mark Twain who comes and goes with his comet
He gives you a smile then says it was his pleasure
Well, where’s your pleasure now ?
Then one day, on your nose landed a dragonfly
He said he’s Marlon Brando but you disagreed
You couldn’t recall seeing Marlon Brando fly
And thanks to just your words, the dragonfly was freed
Well, can you recall seeing it now ?
Now Tesla and Edison are at it again
“You’re a bad copycat!” they shout
Then ask you to referee their duel of brain
But you call a foul, since one of their mind is out
Well, whose mind was out of whom ?
There was this boy also, with his gravely voice
He sang the folk, told you his name was Zimmermann
He’s a famous man now because he made the choice
To transvestite himself, now he calls himself Jeanne
Well, are you trying to imitate him ?
But don’t you know darling, the moon is high the sun is low
Your tune is quick but your words are slow
Well don’t you know darling, I’ve heard from his crew
That Red is dead and Red is blue
>>64268714
reminds me of desolation row a bit
and it's actually my favorite verse so far (takes all kinds i guess)
>Marlon Brando fly
is pretty amusing
>>64268714
>>64268817
Well you've found my main inspiration for this, well done.
Really ? That's really something I'm glad to hear, thanks !
Fourth verse incoming:
Searching for a familiar face in any place
‘Cause you can’t find one in your mirror anymore
Looking for something to fill up the empty space
That became your poor soul when you walked out the door
Well, have you found any of those ?
Your mind is going blank from the isolation
It seems the floor is being swept under your feet
As far as you gaze there’s only desolation
Some kind of darkness engulfing every street
Well, has the dark reached you now ?
Following ev’ry steps back to the beginning
You long for the lost friendship and for some relief
To rest your broken bones, but you’ll find just one thing:
To the friends that you had, now you look like a thief
Well, what kind of relief is that ?
Lost in a life where everyone is just a clone
You always seemed to believe that you were lonely
When in fact my dear you just made yourself alone
Is that the reason why you’re going mad slowly ?
Well, who’ll take the blame for that ?
But don’t you know darling, the path is clear, the road is crossed
Your body’s here but your mind is lost
Well, don’t you know darling, don’t you have a clue ?
Red is dead and Red is blue
>>64268973
And finally the last verse:
I’ve heard you still look like you’ve fought in a war
Against both Napoleon and the Queen in rags
As if even now, you’re still being torn apart
By the childhood terrors that behind you, you drag
Well, are you afraid now ?
Little by little, we are coming to an end
To all the pain, the suffering and all the tears
One day, you have too much time in your hands to spend
And the next, all the time that you had disappears
Well, how much left do you have now ?
I’ve searched for you amidst the confusion and rage
Man ! I can tell it’s been so damn long since we’ve seen
The wrinkles on your face really don’t show your age
You have become old before you turned seventeen
Well, you didn’t even live fully
The time seems to flow in reverse for you
And you know well that nothing can withstand its test
A man in a black shroud came in asking for you
Maybe now, the moment has come for you to rest
Well, may you rest peacefully
But don’t you know darling, life’s the start, death’s the end
And time is your foe but time is your friend
Well don’t you know darling, that because of you
Red is dead and I’m so blue
#barz
We are invincible if we live in the now
the greatest of desires but no one knows how
everything is alive, permeating through time
to know the truth of life, is to be free of our minds
I've held your hand forever, because the memories are still clear, isn't that strange, isn't it dear?
Who I am now, is not the me of tomorrow
No longer, in time, will I carry this sorrow
The equation of life must balance all now
It gives and it takes us to the door that leads out
Across green fields, through space, and slate mountains stands the purest of all, the source of all life, a great flowing fountain, from which all of time sprung infinite and counting, and here we are now, in this moment you have found me
>>64264554
absolute shite
>>64269166
well anyway i like it and thanks for posting it
i'm not much for criticism but
>childhood terrors that behind you, you drag
>you just made yourself alone
seem possibly unfair from my (limited) perspective since i dunno' the story here
>>64264554
Chorus delightful, verse is terrible garbage
>>64264648
>>64267370
>>64267681
pls r8, is it cringe?
Please rate my lyrics for a song I wrote
Jen
-----
I know this girl
Her name is Jen
I love her lots
But she's taken
The guy's a Chad
He's such a dick
I hate his guts
He's such a prick
I asked her out
She said no way
I think about
Her everyday
I wish I could
Play the role
But I can't be
an asshole
Can't help but be
The nice guy
Fuck my life
I want to die
R8 my lyrics pls
ahem
There's a field of cotton
that is getting rotten
because niggers aren't picking it
hungry cotton, vicious cotton
I will feed you nigger blood
Insatiable cotton
always screams for more and more
of the blood that niggers store
in their flesh
I use my whip to get it out
and make it run down their backs
like red rivers
looking at the field where the niggers sweat and toil
I'm getting pissed at the lazy nigs
gonna make their blood hit the soil
my whip is mad and my hands are greedy
whip them up and whip them out
cotton, just you wait
the cotton cries for nigger blood
>>64269451
Thank YOU for reading it. I'm happy someone likes it, it's really encouraging.
Regarding what you say, the story here is completely fictional, if a little inspired by my life. I wanted the narrator to tell the fall of the person the poem is about whithout blaming her/him but rather explaining how and why it happened. As for the rest, fair or unfair, or even the relation between the two, I wanted to leave up to the imagination what could have happened, what is not said here but implied.
I'm Cool
Don't drool
Not cruel
Eat gruel
>>64269485
Cut that bitch outta your life. After all you've been through she won't even suck your peepee? That's bullshit.
K here goes:
I am sad
girls don't like me
or maybe they do
I have no insight into my feelings
or the world around me
All my feelings are unique
nobody else has ever felt what I feel
especially not the vast majority of mankind
so I will write a song about it
and wait for the accolades to roll in
and despite all of this
no girl will like me
and it will be years until I realize
that I am just another nobody
in a line of nobodies
and I should probably keep my stupid feelings
all to myself
until I grow up
because they just make me look retarded.
THE END
>>64264554
CARLOS!! dude what are you doing on here?
think you're road
but no
one blow
bust nose
>>64267370
>>64267511
pls r8, is it cringe?
>>64270362
any lyrics you read b4 you hear the song are cringe my negro
>>64270405
alrigth, fine, here
https://paigestanley.bandcamp.com/track/364-newer
>>64264948
Like others have said, you should really rethink a lot of this song. It sounds like something that's been done a million times before.
>>64270362
This whole thread is cringe.
This is what I wrote earlier for a song I want to work on. I'm going through some stresses currently
Scurrier my beloved, shyness is unbecoming of you
Whose tattered tail trails along these tired panes
Fringe worn and borne of the stinge
That enveloped your carrion limbs
And O how I cursed him
The worn corner provides no haven
For a death so graven
But there so insipid a projection
Of your countenance- deemed affection
are these all supposed to be horrible
>>64264816
Is it wrong that I actually like this?
How do y'all, the legitimate ones anyway, feel so comfortable posting your lyrics? I'm deathly afraid my shit would get stolen.
>>64273164
>he thinks anything he's written is worthy of being stolen
get off your high horse
get over yourself
etc
tribune you made no triumph- not here!
associated languidity mere coincidence- cause for jeer!
a belief of freedom born from the fruition of felicity?
tricky being i see no cheer in fortified elation
perhaps- strong foundations fundamental-
a blueprint of knowledge fed from the fruit you gathered-
but the false fable labels present will not progress
egress!
>>64273188
I don't think highly of myself at all friendo; ain't no horses in my nonexistent stables, follow? Call it insecurity.
>>64264648
Fucking kekked at the end
>>64273215
insecurity based on the idea that you think you have shit worth stealing
you don't
and if you think you do
why would you post it?
this is the reasoning behind threads like this
you made me seize
you bastard
>>64273288
>insecurity based on the idea that you think you have shit worth stealing
Yeah I guess so. I mean the random folks I have shown my work to give me lots of props. Thanks man for helping me realize that.
Your music will always sound cringey on paper unless you include elements of poetry, but that would just be boring, so please post vocaroo?
>>64266051
Fix the way you word those lines, condense it, keep the meter consistent between those two lines at the very least. I like the line.
>>64264554
Overdone OP, honestly sounds like people who are #Deep
>>64264725
Please don't do this lazy -ing and ee rhyme, it is just so lazy. I understand your intention though.
>>64264816
The last two lines are meh, but the rest is fucking gold desu
>>64264956
Let me guess, you listen to Tyler, The Creator? Please spare embarrassment and stop the edgy shit.
>>64265129
Watch your meter boy. Don't be a mess like OP
>>64265496
"Dove" "Love" please don't unless you have a nice twist on the rhymes.
>>64266162
It sounds rushed after the first line. Like you refined the very first line, and then just gave up with sloppy rhymes in the second line of every couplet
>>64266695
Keep at it m8. Again, with many of these, check your meter. I wouldn't be sure of how it would sound though, so ill give you the benefit of the doubt
>>64267244
Fucking love it desu
>>64267329
9/11 m8
>>64267502
wtf is this lol
>>64269207
Not even multis >:( 2/10
>>64271270
Very cliche
your apparition formed of potent latency
shroud of moss effervescently growing
drowned in cyclical decay
phantom you have no place to subscribe
these walls signify no native tribe
hallowed irruption;
the beady particles bellow as welts upon my skin
telling of the places you have been
though the shadows scathe my flesh
the delicate finesse of your silken dress
reveal an indelible purity
this is fun thanks for the thread OP
>>64264554
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S HOW YOU SAY ITIT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S HOW YOU SAY ITIT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S HOW YOU SAY ITIT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S HOW YOU SAY ITIT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S HOW YOU SAY ITIT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S HOW YOU SAY ITIT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S HOW YOU SAY ITIT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S HOW YOU SAY ITIT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT
>>64273546
Great lyrics, dude. I like the rhyme scheme.
Most of this is a stretch bc I wanted it to be 5 syllables, 5 lines for the first part, 7x7 for the second, and back to 5x5 for the third, forming what I claim to be a hai-per-ku
tri-coloured and altogether prismatic
it seems strange
that it should stand there in abeyance
just for a short while
but as we gather let us chance
to view a grandeur
comparatively manic to our apathetic state
>>64273628
>>64273434
I know I'm cliche :(
>>64273628
I think it would be better without the overt lightness imagery but I do like the mountain simile
>>64273703
Ya know what I'm just realizing it is really heavy with the light shit isn't it haha well fuck oh well
How do you write song lyrics with no melody to fit them to?
Your scent terribly sweet
Fragrant and insensitive to my desires
If I could just nibble you sultry treat
I'll escape these musty mires
But each time I do
I'm reminded of a reality too true
Braided flame through your core
A waxy dermis dripping on my floor
-
Ode to Fresh Linen candle
>tfw having so much fun spewing stupid shit "lyrics" it's embarrassing
Lyrics for this feel?
>>64273866
you can't melody in your head?
can't freestyle at all?
can't into rhythm?
u dense bro?
>tfw having so much fun spewing stupid shit "lyrics" it's embarrassing
what did he mean by this?
>>64273972
how are you tonight?
>>64274038
waiting for anons to review my lyrics
>>64273941
You're thinking too basic. Sometimes it's necessary to deliver lines in somewhat of an unconventional way in order to make them sound good, which is difficult to account for without some sort of instrumentation to work around. Obviously if you're just writing a rap verse with some sort of continuous flow throughout, it's pretty easy to do what you are suggesting, but that's not what I'm trying to do.
>>64274083
which one is it? I will
>>64274104
you ignored the part where I asked if you can develop melodies in your head
if so, you can create asynchronus ones
>>64274083
Which are you? I'm the autist that posted all the replies in that one post, I'll go in depth.
>>64274181
it's pretty emo
not much originality going on, but maybe it's just my taste
>>64274083
I posted 5 that garnered no responses lol
Tear me apart /mu/
>>64264816
Macklemore plz go
>>64274181
>>64274202
Ah, I see it
So you are taking a far too direct approach. Of course if you want to be literal, go ahead, but it is almost like a paragraph instead of a verse/stanza. The direct approach and hyperbole you use makes your lyrics sound cliche. Maybe elaborate on the door metaphor (Bars unintended), and don't use the "I'd die w/o you" idea, it's been done to death.
>>64274275
I like it. A bit curious to know what it would sound like, as I can't really hear the prechorus sounding too well.
>>64274299
cheers senpai
>tfw even unintentional bars are bars
>>64274331
Thank you! I managed to make the rythm good but it needs work to make the last line have more impact.
>>64273872
rate my poetry /mu/
>>64273872
Change musty mires pls you sound like tolkien
>>64274148
It's not a matter of creating an asynchronous melody (which I likely cannot do inside my head, though have never tried), what I meant from the beginning is that it seems to me that it would be ideal to have an instrumental prepared to start with and then build the lyrics around that. It's not all about having some fucked up rhythm, I'm more referring to having long pauses between certain lines and shit like that, which is difficult to picture without an actual song to tailor them to.
>>64274353
If you make the rhythm work then you have little to worry about.
>>64274332
Fuck yah. Happy writing.
>>64274422
True but theres always room for improvement, right?
Big blue eyes just like the sea
Ignore me like Versailles treaty
Don't know to make you see
why you should come with me
and go take on this country
Why can you not stay?
Don't join the others who went away
To keep you here I'd happily pay
Cause we'd be rich anyway
With a lot more room to play
Judy
Judy
Would you run away from me?
Im a one rung ladder
a high speed disaster
a fire work before its lit
a hand thats a fist
a knife in a wrist
one great big ball of shit
and still you persist
>>64274404
ill take that as a compliment
>>64274512
calm down gira she's just bipolar she didn't know what she was saying
Can't be that bad..
>>64264948
could have swore folk punk died in 2012
>>64274496
+allusion
-rhyming sea with see on separate lines
+everything else
>>64273872
Second stanza has a strange meter, but it's actually amusing on a literal level if that was your aim.
Just guessing, is the point of it along the lines "I want to have something (relationship, success, etc) but I can't"?
>>64274438
Ofc. Especially with things like these.
It can be difficult to execute an idea, I have inspirations, and I borrow a little from each style and add my own, but I can't get it to be what I envisioned. This is one of the things that will keep me striving for better in my writing.
>>64274620
It's all fine, I really like "Your voice damps the noise", keep writing cunt.
>>64274715
>Just guessing, is the point of it along the lines "I want to have something (relationship, success, etc) but I can't"?
desu I was looking at a candle on the table that smelled good and thought it would be funny to write about someone attracted to a candle but I like your ideas more nice deconstruction
>>64264554
>day
>away
>pain
>explain
>>64274760
And it was funny, I actually thought it was about a person before I got to the end. Screencapped it. But since you mentioned that it was poetry, I assumed there was some other meaning to it.
>>64274799
Ikr, this thread is full of this.
>>64274874
the other ones I posted had more meaning, but none of them took very long to make so frankly they're all superficial but fun nonetheless
>>64273209
this is awful. using/misusing big words doesn't make your lyrics good.
Monty Hall
Falling down till the line runs out
Just another one poured in the drain
It's been a long time since I've seen you last
I'm here but you've refrained
You've got decisions you make outside
You rationalize with your own but not yourself
I've taken a long walk on a short dock
But I haven't fallen off the edge
But you've just cut it short
No matter who you choose, it's still the same
Take your pick
But don't delay
Thrown aside, but steal your fame
The choice is yours
The end is theirs
I move on with my life with a ball and chain
I'm free to go, but still on a lease
Shut the door, close the blinds
But I feel you still move through me
No more late nights alone
The presence is always there
and I'm feeling a space
where no one should be
No matter what I choose, it's still the same
I'm all alone
Is this what I want
I'm on my side, but lost my name
The choice is mine
The end is null
this is the first thing I've ever actually written, so it's probably a load of shit, but if there's anyway to make it better or not shit than I am open to criticism
pls respond (:
>>64275191
oh yeah it wasn't supposed to make sense i just liked the way they sounded
but thank you!
>People write lyrics without the actual music written before it
Please tell me all you fags actually have music that accompanies this and that the lyrics have rhythm, melody, and context instead of it just being deep words on your phone
>>64275460
when you write lyrics around a melody, your words are more contrived and unnatural. it's easier to write a tune that fits somber lyrics than lyrics that fit a song you already have in mind with a mood you're not really into lyrically.
>>64274685
>-rhyming sea with see on separate lines
How is this negative tho?
>>64275460
for me it's easy to base it off an existing song and then change the music to fit the lyrics better
>>64275532
I guess it's different for others
Because I try to envision the vocal melody before I apply words; using the voice as another instrument or melodic texture
Lyrics come last for me in music, but I only really listen to the lyrics if the vocal melody fits the song.
Can any of you mother fuckers right about anything but feeling sad about a girl? For the love of fucking god not a single one of these is about anything else.
COME ON
>>64275818
fuck I meant "write" not "right"
>>64268466
good job
>>64264554
YO I know y'all orgasm
Watching me drop these beats as I spasm
and watch my opponents face as I lyrically trap 'em
as I shit on their face
cut off my dick and attach a new clit in it's place
when I look at a girl I don't care bout her tits or her race
playin' poker they think my won't hit wit my pair of aces
in a handful of spades
go to a landfill to conduct some raids
go to a mansion to abduct a girl with braids
take her home to twirl her in front of some tuscan raiders
fall down some stairs and hurl some vomit on my haters
throw my own poop at my family while they swim in fear from gators
my ass is dry and chaffing as I dunk over the LA Lakers
Kobe is puking as I stick my shit-covered finger up his anus
But only from the smell as he orgasms from the prostate stimulation
Uses a lot of pseudo rhymes but oh well.
>>64272858
gay
Rate, anybody? fucking shit knocker fuck
We are invincible if we live in the now
the greatest of desires but no one knows how
everything is alive, permeating through time
to know the truth of life, is to be free of our minds
I've held your hand forever, because the memories are still so clear, isn't that strange, isn't it my dear?
Who I am now, is not the me of tomorrow
No longer, in time, will I carry this sorrow
The equation of life must balance all now
It gives and it takes us to the door that leads out
I could run across the fields, over the hills and through the trees
But I'd never escape you, I can never replace you
>>64268466
Holy fuck did you make this? First time someone makes a good "parody" that isn't just some song with a fucked meter and about two words changed.
>>64268466
>>64275882
holy fuck
am i too late to join the party? how bad are mine? this is one of my first serious attempts and i'm kinda scared to post it here
There's a gravy that's pure, and it glistens just like gold, as its poured on my bread unleavened
At the restaurant I'm told, beware the gravy mold
Cause you know sometimes brown has two meanings
Oooh and it makes me wonder, Oooh really drives my hunger
