>face melts off like the Nazi
>in the Last Crusade
Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee he turned into skellington man

toasting because i agree with OP and would love to hear it, too. Metal is shit.

And no, metalheads, I’m not referring to the awesome power of Dragonforce’s face-melting riffs. You’re an idiot.

(Let me define my terms here: bluesy hard-rock protometal like Zeppelin or Aerosmith is not what I’m talking about; that sucks for overlapping but nonidentical reasons. Nu-metal and rap metal are arguably even worse than vanilla metal, but they’re not the subjects of this article. Particularly, I’m referring to anything from Iron Maiden onward: 80s British shit, thrash, death metal, black metal, power metal, et cetera ad nauseum. Maybe not hair metal; in retrospect, it had its moments.)

But in my futile longing to grasp that modest chalice, I’ve suffered quite a bit of metal. I used to think it was my fault that I found it so unfathomable. I wondered if some mental defect kept be from enjoying this vast cornucopia of music, from the troll-worshipingest death metal to the sword-swingingest glory metal, and everything between. I couldn’t understand Pantera, I didn’t get Iron Maiden, and I couldn’t fucking stand Metallica. As I grew older and more confident in the fact that most people other than me are idiots, it became clear that the defect wasn’t mine.

In all these years, I haven’t seen a single satisfactory shred of evidence that heavy metal doesn’t suck completely and utterly. I haven’t heard any metal band isn’t composed of stunted adolescence, half-assed rebellion, tongue-in-cheek stupidity, masturbatory pap, tuneless dirge, juvenile morbidity, retarded sexuality, or some nauseating combination of those elements. I haven’t heard a single defense of its artistry that made a shred of sense. I haven’t heard a “serious” metal song that didn’t sound comical. I haven’t heard a fantasy metal song with anything fucking interesting to say about dragons. I haven’t heard anything, seen anything, read anything or met anyone who could convince me that metal, as a whole, is not artistically bankrupt, direly uncool, and irredeemably fucking dumb. Not most of it. All of it.

It’s based on a kind of stupidity that I find impossible to comprehend. It looks and sounds so fundamentally opposite to art that my brain reels when I even try to consider the idea of enjoying it. It’s so incomprehensible to me that I sometimes get the feeling that it’s all a huge joke that everyone else is in on but me.

Yes, I’m talking about an extremely vast, overarching genre encompassing countless subgenres and thousands of bands that I’ve never even heard or heard of. Yes, I’m talking about something I don’t understand. Yes, I’m painting the dumbest fantasy metal and the most intricate symphonic metal in the same broad stroke.

Maybe you listen to British metal from the early 80s, or you only listen to thrash, or you only listen to glory metal “ironically.” I don’t care. I’m saying it’s all stupid as hell. I’m saying you’re stupid as hell if you like it. I’m saying you’re stupid as hell even if, maybe especially if, you like it even though you know it’s stupid as hell.

It may seem like I’m shooting fish in a barrel here. Metal is, with a few exceptions, critically ignored and popularly derided. Aside from holdover metal stars like Metallica, the above-ground music press couldn’t give a single shit about metal; it’s music for misfit nerds, sociopaths, big-haired whores and mulleted heshers. Cool wouldn’t touch metal with a ten foot pole, and metalheads are so hopelessly uncool that they’ve developed their own laughable little chic around leather and headbanging. Despite all this, people continue to defend metal as an art and a lifestyle. Even people who “don’t take metal seriously” often take it really fucking seriously.

I consider myself a public servant, so it always fills my heart with pride when I turn someone away from their shitty taste. Unfortunately, this article can’t do that. Metal fans are simply too entrenched in their own art-killing quagmire to be swayed by any rational argument. Their synapses are too brutalized by bluntness to recognize subtlety ever again; real music may be forever useless to them. I’m not asking them to stop listening to metal. I’m asking them to shut the fuck up about it forever.

What substantiates this are the microaggressions, as well as overt and covert expressions of racism, that happen as a result of those systemically held ideals. Some may take the success of artists of color as threat to their space or scene. White art is deemed more worthy of respect, and so white audiences respond to it positively—it is set up for success. It’s evidenced the last week of news: be it the insidious petition urging Glastonbury to drop Kanye West in favor of a "rock band" (read: a white artist), or the repeated co-option of Indian and Desi pop culture by Major Lazer going unremarked upon. White art additionally dilutes and flattens aspects of other cultures' music that it adopts in the process of making them more "accessible" for those whose curiosity does not extend beyond the parameters of Europe and North America. White "ambassadors" decide what parts of these musics of cultures get to filter through based on white notions of what is good, or real or what ethnomusical practices appeal to an American sense of authenticity (see also: Diplo).

Stop tainting our discussions. When the grown-ups are talking about real music, stay the fuck out of it. If we’re talking about our favorite singers, we don’t care about how low your Christ-slaughtering Norwegian boyfriend can croak. If we’re talking about our favorite guitarists, zip up your stupid fucking mouth, because nobody gives a shit how fast your favorite metal guitar-secretary can type gibberish on a fretboard. “Pretend” that metal isn’t music. “Pretend” that metal is something else altogether, and that you have nothing to add to a discussion about music, because we’re talking about something entirely fucking different. I only say “pretend” because “realize” might be too strong a word for these hopeless dorks. Anyway: just leave us alone, weirdoes.

Artists, labels and producers are not the only ones complicit in perpetuating this, though. It’s successful music publications—Pitchfork included—who have celebrated Vampire Weekend and Dirty Projectors' use of attenuated 'afro' elements, calling the latter’s music "idiosyncratic" and saying the former owes thanks to Paul Simon, the evident creator of African music. White musicians seemingly can have it all: their almost impenetrable music scenes as well as their bastardization of most any other cultures. The root work by artists of color effectively disappears.

>>61323703
Do people really do that?

Intellectual delineations associated with race make for a lack of serious discussion here: White people accept Kathleen Hanna’s branch of feminism though it has often and primarily benefitted other white women, and stand by her in solidarity as she praises icons of White aspiration like Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. While Hanna has, historically, played with sarcasm and irony in her lyrics, her work has never been derided as a joke, her lyrical critiques have been taken as just that. M.I.A. and Heems, however, are often subject to bad press for this same approach--press that paints them as attention-seeking and caustic. The feel-good feminism of white women earns infinitely more respect in both the artistic and 'real' world as evidenced by their prominence and visibility; making art about your experience of racism is seemingly much less acceptable, cool or "punk".

It’s difficult not to be deterred and alienated by the overwhelming Whiteness of it all, especially when as a person of color, Western society flat out resists the witness of your life. However, it’s important to seize and act on precedents being set by the likes of Heems and M.I.A., paving a way that makes it easier for new artists of color to follow suit and make their mark. Whiteness is a mark of exclusivity that must be broken; to have masses of talent ignored in favor of a select few is not acceptable. Visibility of people of color in independent music is absolutely paramount for the genre to evolve and truly represent those cast away from the scene for too long.

>Millions of people in around the world love metal!!
Billions of people think those millions of people are either insane or stupid. Shall we take a vote?
>You just don’t understand the appeal of metal!1!1!
No, I don’t, and I’ve become content with that. I don’t understand the appeal of dressing up like a baby and pooping on oneself, either, but tons of people love it, and I don’t give a Texas shit why they love it, and their explanations will fall on deaf ears. Like metalheads, adult baby dudes are just plain broken in the head, and I don’t need them spreading their creepy pathology.

>The metal genre is home to some technically talented musical virtuosos!!!!1
I have to laugh when I hear metalheads complain that some of the best pure musicians of our time are being ignored and neglected by the ivory-tower establishment just because they play in the metal genre. Here, it’s simple: imagine if William Butler Yeats only wrote poems about dogs eating peanut butter, and if he used only the same fifteen or twenty words in every single poem. People who espouse the shredding merits of metal guitarists and the double-bass technique of metal drummers crack me the fuck up. Maybe they also think books are better when they have lots of pages.

>Symphonic metal is extremely sophisticated and carries on the tradition of classical music!1! \m/
You can’t tell Frank Frazetta from William Blake. Congratulations, you’re stupid.

Eric Partridge's Dictionary of the Underworld (1998 NTC/Contemporary Publishing), a lexicon of 19th Century street slang, defines the idiom "pitch the fork" as "to tell a pitiful tale." The term appeared printed in 1863 in Story of a Lancashire Thief:

"Brummagem Joe, a cove ["fellow" or "dude," if you will] as could patter or pitch the fork with anyone."

At last, the secret motivation of my schtick and the etymology behind our name can be revealed. These reviews have been less critique than loquacious concept reviews by an entertaining tramp. So you'd think an 80-minute opus by Tool would be right up our alley. You'd be wrong.

Undertow, Tool's 1993 debut LP, took studio skill and over-trained chops to metal with aplomb. It was Rush Sabbath. As emotional, melodic metal goes (the cultural impact of which will be left to the reader), it opened doors for bands like the Deftones, and to some degree, Limp Bizkit. However, Tool have always possessed a latent understanding of absurdity and comedy; their videos look like Tim Burton stop-motion, goth Primus.

meal is food imo

I believe that music comes and goes in cycles, and some of us are lucky enough to ride the crests. The men in my family are perfect examples of this. Initially, I thought that perfect music appeared every 16 years, which is also the number of years between Fubert generations. My dad was born in 1971. In that year, landmark albums were released. They were Nursery Crime by Genesis (the first with Phil Collins), Yes Album by Yes, Aqualung by Jethro Tull, and In the Land of Grey and Pink by Caravan.

My grandfather skipped out on Vietnam-- because Jimi Hendrix himself told him to-- and he moved to Canterbury, which is in the United England. There, he got married to my grandmother, who used to sell baked goods to people at concerts, and they had my dad. After the war, they moved back with a box of awesome records like the ones I mentioned. I think it was cosmic or fate or something that my dad was born the same exact day Chrysalis released Aqualung, in March of 1971.

>I just like the way it sounds. You can’t say your taste is better than mine, because it’s subjective fucking hipster!11!!!
Metal is so awful that it goes far beyond questions of taste. Liking metal is a mental illness, although I'm sure you'll wear that accusation with pride (don't). It makes me wonder what the fuck your parents did to you. You’re sick and I can’t cure you, so don’t waste my time.

>I don’t take metal seriously, I just think it’s fun ;^)
Search deep within your soul. Is there any part of you that takes metal seriously, even a little bit? Have you ever purchased a metal album with real money for any reason other than to laugh at it? Is more than 20% of the music you listen to metal? Is there any metal band in this world that you care enough about that you’d be sad if they broke up or died in a fiery car crash? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, please reevaluate your taste before it’s too late.

>As a frustrated and troubled youth, the metal community gave me a place to fit in. \m/
Most of the worst subcultures in the world (gangs, cults, internet forums) thrive on accepting the lowest members of the social food chain. The fact that you were insufferable to anyone but metalheads doesn’t mean that there’s anything good about metal, it just means that dweebs tolerate other dweebs out of necessity.

>I like metal, but I’m not a nerd or an idiot.
In fact, you are the worst kind of nerd or idiot: the kind that doesn’t know he or she is a nerd or idiot.

>But here, listen to THIS metal song. It’ll change your mind.
No, dickhead, it won’t, and I resent the very fact that you think I might enjoy it.

>What about Ronnie James fuckin Dio? You can’t deny the ROCK!!!!111!!1!
No. Stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.

I hope you're shitposting, my man.
Otherwise, I think it might be legitimate autism.

No. Actually in America we dispense with due process and kick men out of college for being socially awkward and trying to talk to girls, which they generally have to do if they expect to have wives, girlfriends, children, and normal lives because women refuse the responsibility. We arrest old men taking pictures of birds in parks because some shrew decided that he must be taking pictures of kids to jerk off to later and airlines adopt policies which prohibit men from sitting next to unaccompanied children on planes. Meanwhile dumbasses like this make boring jokes about "rape dungeons" in order to differentiate themselves from the "losers" and prove to others and themselves that they're not creeps. In America, you have a failing economic system where college costs as much as a mortgage and 40 million people pay more than 30% of their income for housing, but women still expect men to be breadwinners, and if they can't be breadwinners, they have to affect some pathetic douchebro persona in order to appeal to women's pathetic, daddy issues riven, hunter gatherer baboon sexuality or else disappear socially and sexually and retreat into their mother's basements, do bong rips, play video games, and watch porn. Meanwhile everybody else makes cheap jokes at their expense while ignoring the fact that men are 3 times as likely to commit suicide and 4 times as likely to be homeless. Y'know because it's funny! Tee hee! Because American women only allow men those two roles, and if you can adopt neither, then you're done. I guess that's why there are stupid "pick up artist" videos on youtube. I'm pretty sure that's how it works in America.

But, anyway, I did my web searches and all that of Clyde Cash and Gregg Mays. Other than the fake pictures and whatnot, there is no record whatsoever of this [removes his glasses] Gregg Mays or Clyde Cash. I even, on any of any of the addresses or birth dates that they provided... [puts glasses back] that this guy has provided in any form or matter, from communication or hacking or whatever, this—Gregg Mays and Clyde Cas—this guy has been acting as either one of those guys. Gregg Mays and Clyde Cash wer—are and were both fake. They're nonexistent. Just like in the act—just like the TV actors, Clyde Cash and Gregg Mays—they're about as fake and fictional as Elaine Benes from Seinfeld, Chandler from Friends, or Monica from Friends, or Phoebe! Or even Archie Bunker from All in the Family, Fred Sanford on Sanford and Son, and George Jefferson on The Jeffersons. I would like to reiterate that I like those actors and the characters they portray... but I have yet to see this guy [cleans sweat from his forehead] actually show his face in real life ever, showing off his photo ID with his name, either being "Gregg Mays" or "Clyde Cash" or whatever—whatever his real name is, the one that his mother gave to him at birth.

And I even throw in the question about him ever actually going out to Australia and having his forced way with my past Australian gal pal who died in the Australian brush fires. I mean, there's—if this guy never existed, he never went to Australia. Even Robert Simmons claimed to have gone there and witnessed the whole thing, and he was a proven troll! So, therefore, I fur—I further emphasize the fact that this Gregg Mays is a fake, a fraud, a phony!

And I even come at—he just hides behind his mother's skirt, [removes glasses] would never dare to show his real life face, or show who he actually was. And I actually question his relation to the bee-yotch troll, Vivian Gee! I question that.

>>61323703
go back to something awful you nerd

>>61324232
>Kick men out of college

You've got to be fucking kidding me. Go back to Reddit.

>>61324795
I didn't get much sleep and this may not have been the best written but understand this is how gynocentric our society has become. Focus on yourself and only you. Build yourself, improve yourself, become healthy fit and above all happy..and for the love of god, don't waste your time with these women, unless they actively show interest or do something for you, and only you! This is your life. Do something about it.

I'm 15 and had trouble finding "my type of music" as I was growing up. I mostly listened to what everyone else did, even if I didn't really like it. Then I found it, grunge&punk. It sure took me a while but it was worth it. I listen to a lot of 90's grunge and 80's rock. My dad is also an enthusiast of that music era (since he was young back then I guess).I want to ask you guys how it had an impact on you, what your favorite grunge band is (and why), when you started listening to them etc. I really like Nirvana and AiC. Pearl jam is really good as well. I don't really know many others though :/. I like rough music, something that's full of emotions and I found that in rock. I recently got my dads old CD player since he had it crammed away somewhere and saw my interest. So far I've bought Dirt by AiC, Bleach, In Utero, Nevermind by Nirvana and 2 MTV Unplugged CD's by AiC and Nirvana. I'm planning on buying more albums like Ten or VS by Pearl Jam when I have the money (I wish it grew on a tree haha). Maybe some Jimi Hendrix in the future too. I'm really enjoying Bleach atm, I find it very enjoyable. Maybe you guys can give some tips or share your stories. I'm very interested in it. I play the guitar as well so if you have any tips on what songs I should play just tell me :). I wanna know haha :D Fire off in the comments please!

>>61323703
i didnt read any of this shit

>>61324954
I.... what?

In a stupid thread... this is a strange post.

>>61324916
Nice b8 m8