Let’s get hypothetical.
You’re a writer who’s been going at it for a bit now. You really enjoy what you do and put your blood, sweat, and tears into each story. One day, you decide to post it in a random thread to get some feedback.
Just one problem: no takers.
You wonder if you should even bother writing; you decide to quit and move on to something else.
If that story applies to you, then hold your horses. If all you wanted was feedback, to improve your writing skills a bit, or maybe just see how others do it, then you’ve come to the right place. There are a few rules, however:
>Posting the story directly in the thread is preferred over a link to Pastebin, FiMFiction, etc.
>One story at a time.
>Don’t be a dick or asshole when reading or critiquing.
>All stories posted within the thread must be pre-written.
This thread’s purpose is to encourage writefags all over /mlp/ to write. We’re laid back here. Post what you want as long as it’s pone related. We’re not all “STOREEEYS ONLY!” We discuss topics such as writing techniques, interesting tropes, and bring forth story ideas. Let’s have fun.
Tips and links:
Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f
http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.
Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/
A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy
>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.
*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.
Okay, now that that's out of the way, I need something critiqued. Namely, this thing. Mad Science: Chapter 4.
>The candlelight does a casual tango along the walls over the library loft as you carefully dip a thick quill into a crystalline pot of ink and scrawl out the short phrase you began your ritual with:
>“Dear Princess Celestia,” the letter begins.
>“I apologize in my delay in writing this, as I have been quite occupied with recent events. Three days ago, a human known as Anonymous appeared in Ponyville. He is, obviously, from an alternate dimension, though not the same as that which the Crystal Mirror leads to, as he has no knowledge of the universe I visited. He arrived in Equestria via a portal of his own design, operating on mechanics that Equestrian technology could not hope to replicate. He looks down on our society as primitive. More vexing, however, is his philosophical bent. Anonymous, quite simply, rejects friendship on a philosophical level.”
>“I have dealt with many beings in my tutelage in the Magic of Friendship, many of whom had simply said that they have no need for friends, but this is not Anonymous’s way. He would probably see the reasons that others usually reject friendship for to be irrational. However, I remain ignorant of the source of his philosophy, and he is unlikely to be forthcoming with that information at this time.
>“I only hope that I can eventually figure out how to teach Anonymous as much about the Magic of Friendship as he knows about physics. As always, I seek your counsel in this endeavor. If you have any advice to give, perhaps advice from some of your previous students or even from my earlier tutelage under you, than I would gladly accept it. I will also try to bring Anonymous before you at some point, as I am certain that you would like to meet him.
>“As always, your student,
>“Twilight Sparkle”
>>27252611
>Mornings were never your strong suit.
>You always preferred to stay up late into the night, flipping through a good book, huddled beneath the woolen blankets of your bed with a mug of black tea by your side.
>Fortunately, you learned a near-instant boiling spell a few weeks ago, and that should help you -
>You find Anonymous awake early in the morning, sitting at a table in your library, a stack of books and papers by his side.
>A yellow pencil sits in between his thumb and forefinger, the graphite currently being worked to a flat nib as it waltzes across a formerly blank sheet.
>“Oh, good. You’re awake,” he says, before returning to his scribbling.
“A ‘good morning, Twilight,’ would be nice,” you say in response.
“Let’s assume I said that then, and move on,” he replies.
>Your lips form a paltry frown.
>“We have much work to do today,” Anonymous continues. “From your books, I have come to understand that Equestria has a very advanced picture of classical physics, up through electrodynamics, but no forays into the quantum realm. This will be a hindrance as we .progress in our research into the origin of magic.”
>Walking over to the desk, you take a look at the nearly illegible scrawl written on the sheets of paper, barely making out words like “electromagnetic interaction,” “W-boson,” and “quantum chromodynamics,” plus long rows of mathematical equations in symbols that seemed to simply melt into an illegible mess in the same way that sugar melts into boiling lead.
“You read all of those books?” you ask, lifting up one of the six heavy tomes with your telekinesis.
>“Skimmed for the most part. Read a few parts,” he says.
>Faintly, he mutters something that you can’t quite make out, but sounds something like “haven’t been sleeping much.”
“What?”
>>27252619
>“Nevermind. It’s irrelevant,” he says. “The point is, your understanding of force is completely out of date. This may be because of technological limitations, but, regardless, it will be a hindrance if we are attempting to determine the origins of forces.”
>He pauses for a moment.
>“My understanding of magic, so far, is that it is a force, in whatever sense you choose that to be. There are some pieces of the picture that I am beginning to build that you will not be able to understand if I do not teach you what we humans have learned past classical mechanics. Furthermore, I want to prevent covering ground that has already been tread.”
“What are you proposing?” you ask.
>“I’ve prepared a short quiz to determine if your knowledge of classical mechanics is up to standards.”
>Shuffling through his papers, Anonymous digs out a piece covered in what you can make out to be equations and diagrams.
>“Just get it back to me when you’re finished,” he says, then returns to writing.
>Frowning, you say:
“Anonymous, are you sure this is really necessary? I’m fairly familiar with physics. Or, at least, our physics.”
>“Then you shouldn’t have any qualms about showing me your abilities. In addition, I need to better understand your mathematical prowess. These problems should also test that; they cover most of the tools you will need to understand even the cutting edge of physics.”
“Maybe if you told me what your hypothesis is, then we could focus on what exactly we need to learn.”
>The pencil stops.
>“Very well. I do have a hypothesis.”
>Your purple ears perk up as Anonymous stands from his chair.
>“I have a hypothesis,” he speaks. “But I’m not certain how to test it.”
>>27252624
>“In the late 19th century, approximately 150 years before my time, we discovered that electricity and magnetism were one and the same, and they also produced light. This force was known as electromagnetism. It became one four fundamental interactions, four basic forces that define the universe. They are electromagnetism, gravity, the strong nuclear force, and the weak nuclear force. Each force produces a field of a certain strength and range, and has a particle or a group of particles, a focused point of that field, associated with it.”
“So, what are you saying?” you ask.
>“Hold on, there’s more. In the 1960s, about 60 years before my time, physicists hypothesized that there was a point where electromagnetism and the weak nuclear force became indistinguishable. We proved this to be true. From that, we deduced that there was a point where all four forces became indistinguishable from one another, perhaps at the beginning of the universe or at conditions that replicated that point. Despite our discovery of the graviton, thus completing the force particle chart, and solving the problems we had with merging gravity with the other four forces, we have yet to observe this possibility.”
“And?”
>“I have observed magic used to produce both electromagnetic interactions directly. I theorize that its capability to produce telekinesis and teleport objects to be gravitational interactions. From this, I have determined that magic appears to be a fusion of the electromagnetic and gravitational interactions. Gravity is supposed to be the first of the four forces to deunify, having the highest unification energy.”
>He turns and faces you directly.
>“Magic is a unification of all four fundamental forces.”
>Puzzling over Anonymous’s statements, you blink.
>Seeing as you’re giving him no response, Anonymous returns to the scratching of his pencil across the parchment.
“So, what do you plan to test? How do you want to prove that?”
>>27252636
>“Well, there are several things I wish to examine. Quantum effects, primarily. For one, I am interested in how telekinesis works, though this may have to wait for some preliminary results to determine if I can even understand the source of the phenomenon.”
“I think you may have to revise your theory. Telekinesis is understood as simply producing a force on the moved object -”
>“Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way,” Anonymous says, cutting you off. “I’ve read a bit of your literature on the subject; it’s all wildly inaccurate.”
“How do you know that? You’re from a completely different universe -”
“Yes, yes where the laws of physics could be completely different. Of course. But, so far, I have no reason to assume the laws of physics are different here, beyond the addition of this field you call magic.”
>Pausing for a moment, Anonymous collects his thoughts again.
“So, to continue, if the force produced during telekinesis were a mere contact force, then it would be transferred, at root, by the electromagnetic force, as the charges of electron clouds around the atoms composing the objects in the collision repelled one another, transferring down the line and eventually producing motion,” he says.
>“But there is no contact involved in the telekinetic force produced, beyond the shimmering aura that appears around the object. The production of photons is generally not a response to a simple contact force, or at least, none that I know of. So there must be some other interaction occurring.”
>Sighing, he says, “I’m beginning to wonder whether this partnership was a completely waste of time. I almost would have been better off figuring these things out on my own.”
“No! It’s not! We can work through this and -” you begin to reply.
>>27252645
>“And what? Your theories of the fundamental forces of nature are completely out of date. Of course we can explain where the telekinetic force comes from in a classical sense. It’s just a force acted on the object opposing gravity. But which force is it? Where does that force truly germinate from? Where, Twilight?”
“I - I don’t know. My understanding of magic only goes so far. I understand what magic can do, but not how.”
>“And I don’t fully understand what magic can do, but how it could do it. We’ve gone over this many times. This is precisely why we must establish this foundation. So, I advise you to get to work quickly on that.”
“And what are you going to do?”
>“Study some more of your books. Fortunately, my current place of residence is a library. I may as well search the scholarship for some answers to questions I still have. There are many specifics that I need to factor into my hypothesis.”
“Then what exactly do you need me for?”
>“Clarification. Guidance. A source of the phenomena. Presumably, there are more recent developments that have not been written down yet, of which you may be privy to but your books... not. Plus, I am best when self-taught, and I am hoping you are as well, as you can expect no grand lectures on these subjects. We don’t have time for that. And, in the interest of that time, I should expect that exam back by the end of the day.”
“I’m not sure if I can do that.”
>The graphite snaps.
>“Why not?” he says in a low, growling tone.
“Well, I was planning on going to lunch with Rarity today, and I wanted to organize the east stacks and -”
>“You will make time for those things later. I hope you understand that this is far more important.”
“And you have to understand that you can’t just expect people to drop things for your needs. It’s not friendly. Weren’t you going to try to be friendly?”
>“Oh, good, we’re still all on about that nonsense.
“It is not nonsense!”
>>27252659
>“In comparison to the work we are trying to do here, it absolutely is. Do you even remotely understand that we are not only attempting to figure out one of the fundamental forces of your universe, but attempting to return me to mine. Furthermore, I’ve already extended an olive branch by asking for a research partnership, as opposed to simply figuring out these things on my own -”
“Which you still seem to be doing anyways....”
>“This is the preliminary research stage. Doing research on my own is by far the most efficient means. There will be later opportunities where a more direct partnership will be more efficient.”
>Groaning, you almost want to bang your head into a large, flat object, such as cinderblock wall, a wooden desk, or Anonymous’s stubbornness.
>“Oh, come now, don’t be like that. Patience is a necessary part of science.”
“No, it’s not that.”
>“Then what is it?”
“Do you know you are the most difficult sentient being to work with?”
>“Yes.”
>He flashes a grin that only a mother great white shark could love, if they cared for their young, forcing you to display the negative reciprocation of that facial expression.
“Well, seeing as you have given me no compelling reason to complete your quiz in a timely manner, I think I’ll perform the daily activities I was planning on doing beforehand. I have a very tight schedule to keep, and I prefer to do things that I actually enjoy or for people that actually seem to appreciate me. Have a pleasant day with your research, Anonymous.”
>You strut towards the door.
“I am going out.”
>Before Anonymous has a chance to retort, you slam the heavy oak door behind you.
>>27252668
>Lyme and Dare’s is a small cafe on the edge of town, catering more to those who knew that being the soft fluffy center of the bread was far superior to being the hard outer crust, but still appreciated the finer things in life.
>It was set on the bottom floor of a small, stone shop, with a large glass window revealing the moderately-lit interior filled with small booths and a front patio with large round umbrellas covering small, four-chaired tables.
>The menu was short, custom created by the chef every day, based on fresh-picked herbs and small plates of artisan greens and other relishes.
>“Eclectic and interesting!” the reviewers, and your friend, raved.
>Unfortunately, today you are distracted by your lunch salad of mustard greens and arugula with bleu cheese, strawberries, and a lemon-pomegranate-pepper vinaigrette by other things on your mind, namely a certain human from an alternate dimension who seems to not understand exactly what a “partnership” means.
>Similarly, you are concerned about how he may have treated your seamstress friend, currently sitting across the small, round, metal table sipping from a small mug of tea.
>“I’ve been working on a absolutely fabulous new set,” Rarity says, having a bite of her roasted beet salad. “There’s this new fabric that I just ordered that’s divine. Soft, lightweight, supple, shimmers like a placid lake. You’ll have to take a look at it when it’s finished.”
“Yeah, absolutely. Right,” you reply.
>“Something wrong, darling?”
“Sorry, just a bit distracted.”
>“Has it been busy at the library lately? Or do you have some new friendship problem that you need help with?”
“No, nothing like that. I mean, the library has been almost quieter than usual. Probably, with school out and all, no fillies are coming in looking for research books for their book reports.”
>“Plus, the library is fairly quiet anyways. Even I honestly can’t remember the last time I checked out a book from you, to be perfectly honest.”
>>27252675
“No, nothing like that. I mean, the library has been almost quieter than usual. Probably, with school out and all, no fillies are coming in looking for research books for their book reports.”
>“Plus, the library is fairly quiet anyways. Even I honestly can’t remember the last time I checked out a book from you, to be perfectly honest.”
“Hm. Maybe I need to do something to get more people into the library. Although, then again, maybe now isn’t the time for that, considering my... current guest.”
>Rarity takes a sip of tea.
>“So, how has your little pet project been going?”
“What? Oh, you mean -”
>“Anonymous! Have you made any progress with him?”
“Well, I think I’m getting through to him somehow. He offered for me to be his ‘research partner,’ but so far all he’s done is sit around and read books from my library. He’s completely insistent on doing everything as some sort of trade. He gave me this,” you say, pulling a sheet of white paper from your saddlebag, covered with what appear at first glance to be inane black scribblings.
>Rarity takes an incredulous look at it.
>“What is it?”
“A quiz of sorts. He wanted to know what how much mathematics and physics I already understand. He’s been incredibly pushy about it, for whatever reason, to the point that he expected me to miss our date to work on it. On the other hand, I’ve already looked over a few problems, and they seem solvable, but there’s one at the very end that seems to be vexing me, because I would have to make an assumption that I’m not quite certain about.”
>“Natural philosophy has never been my forte, Twilight, so I don’t know what help I can give,” Rarity says.
“I know,” you say, biting into a tea cookie and swallowing.
“How did it go yesterday with Anonymous?”
>>27252688
>“I mean, it was certainly different and interesting, taking measurements for a human, but it shouldn’t be that difficult to adapt some of my designs to his body structure,” Rarity says. “I think I may finally be able to make use of some design books I had for minotaur garments, but I may even then have to size those -”
“Not that. I mean, how was his behavior? How did you take him?”
>“To be frank, he was rather... well, he was rather....”
“Cold, calculating, distant, rude, blunt, and generally unfriendly?”
>“Well, I’m not so certain the degree he was the last three, but certainly the first few.”
>Taking another sip of tea and a bite of salad, she frowns.
>“He asked me some rather difficult questions. He’s not exactly one for casual smalltalk, he prefers a grand discussion about the nature of generosity itself. He was very curious about my Element.”
“What did he say?”
>“He was just going on about how generosity isn’t valuable because everything is just a tit-for-tat trade off, sort of like you were saying. Everything is just some sort of give and take to him. He seems to think that friends would only do things for one another to get their friends to do things in return. But I told him that if this were true, then we’d simply replace our friends with others who would give these things to us, and we don’t do that. We as friends have unique interactions that we share with one another.”
“I see. I agree. That’s a great thought, Rarity,” you say, nodding.
>“I certainly thought so, but Anonymous didn’t seem that convinced. He seems to think there must be some ‘flaw in my reasoning,’ as he put it. But he couldn’t think of what, and dropped the line of inquiry.”
“Strange. I’d imagine he would have been able to come up with a counter-argument on the spot but.... Oh well, he’ll probably come up with something.”
>>27252695
>“I think if you give Anonymous a bit of time, he’ll come around. We’ve never been incapable of showing anyone that friendship is worth far more than lonesomeness, and I’m sure Anonymous will come to see that as well. Now, are you sure you don’t have time for a little tea cake?”
“Oh, alright, I can’t resist. But this had better be quick. I really wanted to get around to organizing the east stacks today, and to stay on schedule I really need to get home.”
>“Garçon?” Rarity calls to the waiter, giggling a bit. “Two more cups of tea and two tea cakes.”
>You sit in a comfortable chair, reading a heavy textbook on elementary magical studies, as you have for the past 18 hours.
>Silence fills the library and your mind, Twilight being out with some friend doing something you couldn’t care less about.
>A stack of papers, covered in what appear at first glance to be inane black scribblings, sits on a nearby table, along with a pencil, the soft graphite ground down to a flat nib, as you hadn’t a chance to sharpen it.
>There are many things vexing you, most of which you had written down.
>First, that ponies had mostly been exploring what they could do with magic, as opposed to what it was.
>Then again, the catalogue of feats capable by “magic” seemed near limitless, so arguably that was not without good reason.
>Discovering some new spell to increase crop growth or automate manufacturing could often be more useful than figuring out the actual source of that spell, at least in the proximate sense.
>However, despite Equestria’s vast knowledge of “magic,” they lack any knowledge of physics from beyond around 1890 or any technology from beyond around 1920.
>That presented many limitations, including that calculations would mostly have to be done by hand.
>>27252708
>Although, you also suppose you could work out a way to use your hazard suit’s internal computers to handle some of the heavier calculations, if necessary, and perhaps construct a crude charging device to refill its batteries.
>Until then, time to learn to use a slide-rule, you muse with a wry chuckle, only to be interrupted by a loud, percussive knock on the door.
>You assume Twilight’s dragon servant, whose name you can’t be bothered to remember right now, will get it, and your hypothesis proves correct by softly audible pattering of stubby legs on the wooden floor and the creak of the heavy oak door opening.
>A conversation beginning on the threshold between the servant’s high-pitched, prepubescent male tones and another voice, colored in the brash twang of banjo-playing, cotton-picking, country-seceding, moonshine-running, and sibling-loving, slowly increases in volume as it moves toward you.
>You manage to pick out a few phrases: a pair of greetings; the guest asking if Twilight was home and if she could help with some problem; Spike answering in the negative, but stating that you were present and that you might be able to help.
>“Well, you can ask him, but I don’t know if he’ll be very keen,” you distinctly catch Spike says as the two finish their approach.
>“Heya, Anonymous,” the other voice says.
>You peer your narrowed eyes over the edge of your book like a cave dwelling creature emerging into the outside world.
>An orange horse with a blonde mane and a Stetson hat stands in front of you.
“Oh. Hello -”
>What has her name again?
>She has what looks like three red apples on her upper thigh, so it must be something to do with apples.
>Didn’t Twilight have a friend that was named like a brand of cereal or -
“- Applejack.”
>You return to your reading.
>“Ahem. Anonymous, I wanted to know if you could help me with somethin’,” Applejack says.
>Again, your eyes are forced to sneak above the pages.
“What?”
>>27252715
>“Well, it’s like I said a couple ‘a days ago. We’ve been have a pinch ‘a trouble with our threshin’ machine, and I was wonderin’ if you might be able to -”
“No. As I said a few days ago, my expertise is in theoretical physics, not mechanical engineering. There wouldn’t be anything I could do for you.”
>“Are ya sure? I mean, couldn’t ya at least just take a look at it or -”
“No.”
>Rubbing her hat against the back of her head, Applejack says, “I guess that was what I expected and all. I mean, if you really don’t think you could help, then I guess there’s no use tryin’ to convince you. Just gonna have to wait for Twilight to get back I guess....”
“Right.”
>Applejack begins to walk away.
>Turning a page of your book, you realize something.
“Although, I suppose there is something else that I... nevermind, it’s not important.”
>“You can’t just leave it at that. What is it?”
“Twilight has been bothering me about trying to be more friendly with people, and I’ve been trying to make an inquiry into what are supposedly the six primary ‘elements of friendship’ of sorts in this universe. They seem to have some sort of metaphysical significance. As such... you are the ‘Element of Honesty,’ are you not?”
>“Yeah. What about it?”
>Rising from your chair, you pace towards one of the windows.
“You see, I’ve done a bit of thought on the subject of honesty, and I haven’t come to a very satisfying conclusion for this next question. Why do you suppose that we value honesty, particularly in our relationships with other people? It seems to me that friendships are primarily based on, to put it bluntly, lying,” you say.
>“Why do you think that?” Applejack says, cocking an eyebrow.
>>27252715
Haven't been on in a while, but the writers guild was one of my favorites, now I barely see it anymore. THE PROPHECIES ARE TRUE! THE FANDOM IS DYING
>>27252723
“Oh, come now, surely you must understand this. We are forced to tell lies all the time to protect our friends feelings. We are pleasant and polite to people whom we have no particular liking to. We reserve our true feelings about unpleasant subjects so as not to upset people. There are long lists of “polite” behaviors that consist of being deceptive with our friends and not saying what we truly think.”
>Briefly looking towards the door, Applejack adjusts her hat slightly.
“It seems to me that we value deceit as much as honesty in our relationships with others. In fact, it doesn’t seem possible that we cannot be absolutely honest to anyone. For example, if a brutal axe murderer were to show up on your doorstep one day, asking where your friend was so that he could kill him, would you tell him?”
>“No, of course not,” Applejack says.
>You smile.
“And that would be lying. So, I think it is clear that honesty is not the absolute virtue that we so think it is. There are situations in which lying is more virtuous.”
>“Now, you just.... You just take a minute here and think about what you’re saying. Being honest with your friends is completely different than being honest with a murderer.”
“How so?”
>Applejack scratches her mane under her hat.
>“Look, I ain’t some rationalizing natural philosopher like you. I can’t come up with the most perfect argument that will just blow you away. But you’ve got this just twisted up view of how friendships work. Friends who have to always lie to each other... well, they just ain’t really friends.”
>Your eyes narrow.
>>27252583
>someone else taking initiative to make threads
Approved.
>>27252611
>need something critiqued
>posting a chapter without at least linking the up to date paste or previous chapters
Disapproved. In cases like this, I like to know what's going on, personally. Having the option to catch up and form an opinion is always more interesting than a standalone chapter.Regardless, if nobody gets to this soon, I can find the time this week.
>>27252736
>“Your friends are supposed to be the people who can be most honest to ya. You gotta have beings who can help you evaluate your own life, ponies or people or whatever that can help you realize who you are and if your life is good or bad or otherwise. They’re like a mirror on yourself. Your friends should be the people who can be most honest to you. Yeah, sure, it’s not absolute. Sometimes we have to say things that aren’t true to protect people. But, when it all comes down to it, when worst comes to worst, your friends should be the ones who’ll be honest with ya when others won’t.”
>Frowning, you pour over the response, the farm pony’s words echoing around your brain, until another interruption emerges.
“Oh, good, you’re back.”
>“Hello, Anonymous,” Twilight says. “And hello to you, Applejack. Did I interrupt something between you two?”
“Not at all,” you say. “Applejack and I were just having a brief inquiry into the nature of honesty. She seems to have made a good point for now, though I think I will be able to come up with a counterpoint at some point soon.”
>“Similar to what happened with Rarity yesterday? Except with generosity, of course,” Twilight says.
“How did you - oh, so that’s who you were having lunch with,” you say.
>“We’re going to talk about that later, by the way,” Twilight says, a bit more firmly.
“Very well,” you say with a short grimace.
>“And what about you, Applejack? Why did you need to seek out Anonymous?” Twilight asks.
>“Well, I wasn’t really lookin’ for him. I was actually lookin’ for you, but you weren’t here and all, so I decided to ask Anonymous here if he’d help with that broken thresher I told you about. There’ s a problem with the magical generator, and I thought you might be able to help with that.”
>You ears perk up at the mention of the words “magical generator.”
>“Anonymous says he can’t really help with that, but I bet you can.”
>>27252752
>“Sure, I’ll take a look at it if I get some time,” Twilight says. “I’m really booked up today - I’ve got to organize the east stacks and sort out some new arrivals sent that Celestia sent me from her personal library - but I think I could get over there in a couple days.”
>“Alrighty then. Shouldn’t be too much trouble.”
“I would like to take a look at this ‘magical generator,’” you say. “There may actually be something I could do, plus I’d like to study how it works. I couldn’t do it today, as well, because I am a bit too caught up in this research.”
>“Okay,” Applejack says. “Guess it can’t hurt to have two hands to help. See you guys then.”
>Applejack trots out the door, and Twilight abruptly slams it shut and glares a hole six feet deep into you.
>“What exactly have you been doing with my friends?” she asks.
“Is it not appropriate to have philosophical discussion with someone?”
>“Not when you first meet them!”
“Oh, please. Why waste time with empty platitudes when there is a far more interesting discussion to be had?”
>“Because - because it’s just not polite conversation to just ask someone what they believe about some philosophical topic, especially when you first meet them.”
“Well, I don’t care about that. There are far more important matters at hand. Your friends are literally the Platonic ideals of the ‘elements’ of friendship, or harmony, or whatever you want to call it, and I want to make an inquiry into that. Or are they not?”
>“Well, I don’t know what a Platonic ideal is.”
“Plato was an ancient philosopher who believed that there were absolute forms or ideals of things such as good or justice, a sort of metaphysical object or definition that everyone would agree was the absolute essence of the thing it represented. At least, that was how I always took it,” you explain.
>“Okay.... And, you think my friends are these forms made manifest?”
Question, does anyone here write on their phone? I have some apps that I scribble on but it just seems too tedious to copy and paste everything, plus the pastebin
>>27252767
“Perhaps. That is a fairly close approximation to what I interpret these ‘Elements of Harmony’ to be. It would at least seem to me that your friends should have some deeper insight into their element.”
>“Okay, that might be true, but even so, do you really think that it’s okay to just go around asking people about their deepest philosophical beliefs?”
“I was just curious.”
>“You can’t just go around trying to get people into philosophical debates with you all the time. What, would you invite a bunch of people over to your house and then try and get them to determine the nature of justice with you?”
>You stifle a chuckle.
>“This isn’t funny!”
“I think you patently fail to see the humor in this situation, and probably couldn’t. Regardless, as I have told you before, I really don’t care about this whole ‘trying to be friendly’ thing. I have inquiries to make into the metaphysical and physical nature of your universe. I would rather make progress on those than relationships with others that I don’t care about.”
>Turning the next page of your book, you attempt to return to research, before Twilight levitates the text out of your hands and tosses it aside.
“I was reading that,” you say.
>“I thought we were having a discussion.”
“I thought the topic was closed. Don’t you have stacks to organize? And a problem set to complete for me, so that we may continue our research?”
>“Our research? All you’ve done is sit here and read! This test is just to make sure that I even remotely understand some things which you’ve told me humans discovered over 150 years ago. Why do you even need me for your research? Why should I even help you, considering that you’ve been so callous towards my friends? And when are we actually going to get to serious experimentation?”
“To answer the first question, I was attempting to make an overture as part of your desire that I try to be friendlier with people, but I guess that has utterly failed.”
>>27252735
Likewise. I've been mainly lurking, but I'll be participating more often if this place picks up pace again. I have a lot of practice to do, and a lot of ideas to blow off.
Reading what other anons have to offer gets me itchy to contribute. Maybe I should stop waiting for that to happen so much.
>>27252774
>“As have all your other ‘attempts,’ if we can even call them that.”
>Blank silence fills the room.
“As for the second, what if I told you that my inquiries into your friends’ elements has been to answer some of my own objections about friendship?”
>“What do you mean?”
“It’s like you’ve said before. I’ve seen the supposed benefits of friendship, and determined them philosophically unsound. I think that all relationships ultimately are based on mutual exchange. I think that all relationships ultimately involve lying to the other person more than they involve being honest with each other. At least, those were in particular the objections I made to Applejack and Rarity’s elements. And yet, they were able to present counterarguments to my own. Decent counter-arguments,” you say, rubbing a hand against your cheek.
“I’ll come up with a counter myself, eventually, of course. There’s plenty of time for that, but, even so... things to consider in formulating a stronger position for myself.”
>“And what if you can’t?” Twilight asks.
“I can. There is no puzzle my mind cannot solve satisfactorily, given enough time. Now, as for the third -”
>You get up from your chair.
“You want real experimentation? Fine. We can begin right now.”
>You head towards the basement.
>“But I thought you had research -” Twilight says.
“Enough research. The best answers are found by experiment. So, we shall experiment. Now, come. I thought this was what you wanted?”
>Soon enough, chalk scrawls across a blackboard, an equation written behind it, an unwilling master teaching a new student.
“Classical physics lacks two key features of the universe,” you explain.
“The first... shall be dealt with at a later occasion, but, the second is quantization. At the fundamental level, energy and other properties exist in distinct numerical steps, as opposed to a continuum, as predicted by classical theory.”
>You pause for a moment while Twilight takes notes.
>>27252786
“We will prove this property now,” you say, walking over to your hazard suit and fiddling with something for a moment.
“This would normally be the time where you would ask questions, I think.”
>You begin writing a few more necessary equations on the board.
>A quill faintly scratches on parchment.
“Nothing, then? Good.”
>“Uh, Anonymous? Could you maybe just -” Twilight begins, before you cut her off.
“Oh, good. I was afraid for a second that you had gone mute.”
>“But -”
“Today, we will be testing the photoelectric effect. This is the observation that metals produce electric current when struck with light rays. We will be testing to see if this effect occurs with magically-generated photons.”
>“And what will that prove?”
“That magic is quantizable. If magic can produce some quantizable field - which, essentially, is what a photon is - then, presumably, the generative field behind the photons is, in turn, quantizable.”
>You rub your chin.
“Of course, we may run into some problems with the magical energy effect, but I think these will be surmountable. It may change some of the thresholds, but we are testing to see if the threshold even exists, not where it is.”
>Twilight scribbles down a few more notes, then asks, “So, what is a photon? And could you perhaps -”
“A photon is a quantized unit of electromagnetism. It is, in some sense, a ‘particle’ of light, though that is not quite an accurate definition. The precise explanation is that it is the force carrier particle - a gauge boson - of the electromagnetic force, which light is an expression of. Now, observe.”
>You point to an equation on the chalkboard.
>>27252796
“If we observe some light hitting an electrically charged plate, we should observe the following. First, there is a certain frequency below which no photoelectrons are produced. Second, there exists a stopping potential, that is to say, a negative voltage below which no photoelectrons are produced. And, third, there appears to be no time delay between the absorption of a photon, and the emission of an electron. Understood?”
>Twilight merely nods.
“Good. These properties are reflected by the equations laid out here.”
>You point to a diagram on the board.
“Now, as for the apparatus - this is where I will begin to require your assistance. We require one metal plate on one side of an evacuated container and a separate metal plate with a small hole in it through which to shine light. Then, we connect the plates to a circuit containing a voltage source, an ammeter, and a variable resistor. By charging the solid plate with the source, we can use the light to knock off electrons - this is the photoelectric effect. The electrons will be attracted to the other plate because of the voltage difference, and we will then measure the intensity via the ammeter. Understood?”
>Again, Twilight merely nods, but, before you can get in another word, says, “Could you maybe slow down a bit? And I have a few more -”
“No. There’s no time for that. We have much experimentation to do and there is very little time to do it. We can deal with further explanations later.”
>Twilight sighs; you walk over to your workbench and set up the pair of former vacuum tubes you’ve fused to together to form your chamber.
>As per the experimental design, a grey metal plate sits in the middle of the chamber, which you have connected with some red and black wires to an exterior volt- and ammeter.
>Everything is prepared, except for the vacuum.
“Presumably, you have some spell to rid this vessel of air, do you not?”
>“Yes. I could think of something for that....”
>>27252802
>Twilight’s horn glows purple around the cylinder.
“Do be careful, though. There’s no telling what kind of residual effects that there may be. Try to minimize the duration of the phenomenon. If you can’t guarantee that, then we may have to find a more... troublesome means of evacuating the chamber,” you say.
>“I’ve never seen the spell I’m casting have affect anything after I’ve finished casting it. I don’t think we have anything to worry about,” Twilight says.
“I’m just taking precautions.”
>Twilight ends the spell, saying, “There. The chamber should be evacuated now.”
“Good. Then we can begin testing. We’ll start at one volt and continue at the most precise increment we can manage until I max out the power source....”
>Data collection proceeds smoothly and efficiently for the experiment, as it should.
>You have learned through years of experimentation that careful data collection always leads to good experimental results, and a rough calculation off of the first few dozen data points clearly indicates the notable properties of the photoelectric effect, such as the presence of a cutoff at low voltages - no current produced by the knocked off electrons.
>Twilight yawns.
>“How many more points?” she asks.
“Not much more. Patience. You asked to do science with me, and this is what we must do.”
>Eventually, you reach the maximum of your power source.
“Now, the truly interesting part begins,” you state. “We shall analyze the data we have recorded and determine whether magical power can replicate the same effects as pure electricity. Unfortunately, considering that I lack modern computing power, we will have to do the analysis... by hand.”
>“And how long do you expect that to take?” Twilight says, again yawning.
“Between the two of us, perhaps... three to five hours? That’s a rough estimate, of course.”
>Out of curiosity, you check your watch.
>It reads 6:34 PM.
>“It’s getting late,” Twilight says.
“And?”
>>27252777
I just don't want to miss out on anything, contributing wise. Even though the peak years are long gone, I don't want to post green where it's a ghost town
>>27252810
>“So, maybe we should wait until morning?”
“And why should we do that? We’re here now. Any further delay will only lead to complications.”
>“Yes, that’s true. I’ve already re-scheduled some things I wanted to do today to tomorrow for the sake of this experiment. But, wouldn’t you prefer to work on this with a fresh mind? Continuing until late into the night does not sound like a way to do this well.”
>You frown, but relent.
“You’re right. We’ll finish this tomorrow. Perhaps I can find some way to automate the process somewhat in the meantime.”
>Walking over to your hazard suit, you pull a screwdriver from your pocket, shove the helmet on your head, and begin fiddling with the computer system.
>“Finished,” Twilight says.
“Finished?”
>From your comfortable leather armchair, you sit up.
>You had decided to take a break from your fiddling to do more research.
>If you could find a spell for automizing mathematical tasks, then perhaps Twilight could perform it to analyze the data.
>It would be better than taking apart your hazard suit, and even that you weren’t sure would work effectively.
>Twilight lifts her quill from the paper and telekinetically passes the page to you.
>You take the limp sheet of paper from her.
“I believed that one of the problems would stump you entirely, and that we would simply begin from there, but I guess I was wrong on that front.”
>You take a brief glance at the page, getting an overview of Twilight’s impeccably neat handwriting and checking the solutions to make sure they’re accurate.
>Then, you get to the final problem.
“How did you figure out the last problem?”
>“What?”
“You weren’t supposed to be able to solve the last problem. At least, not correctly.”
>“Why would you give me a problem that I wouldn’t have been able to solve?”
>>27252810
“Your physics still rely on what is known to me as Galilean relativity. That is to say, there is no absolute frame of reference for a state of rest. This comes into problems when you include the fact that light moves at a constant speed, regardless of reference frame, and acts as a speed maximum for all objects in the universe. Your solutions would have been completely incorrect, but, you seem to have figured out this property so as to solve the final problem. How?” you ask.
>“That... doesn’t really answer my question. But to answer yours... I guessed. Based on the fact that there’s been no verifiable proof of the existence of luminous aether or anything else that could act as a preferred reference frame for light, and that the speed of light seems to be constant in all directions. Both those have been proved rather recently, and they both contradict with your ‘Galilean relativity,’ as you put it,” Twilight answers.
“That’s a very good guess,” you state. “I hadn’t found any evidence in your books that Equestrian scientists were even considering such ideas.”
>“Yes, well the research into the luminous aether is rather recent. It’s a development from resulting properties of -”
“The Maxwellian equations of electromagnetism. Or, I guess, their counterpart here. I know,” you say.
>“I mean, it is a theoretical solution that solves the problem you gave me. I have no empirical evidence to back it up,” Twilight says.
>Getting up from your chair to pace around the room, you say:
“I assure you that with some brief experimentation - not even to the extent that we had experimented with the photoelectric effect today - we could prove that the speed of light is constant in all reference frames. The rest follows from some brief thought experiments about what one would observe were one to move at the speed of light.”
>>27252827
>You turn back to Twilight.
“Tell me. What would you observe?”
>“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. Think about it. If not soon, then in the morning.”
>Returning to your chair, you flip open your book again, as Twilight begins to attempt to dig a rut into the ground of the library as she takes up the pacing.
>About an hour later, the hoofsteps stop.
>“If you were to travel at the speed of light, and the speed of light is constant in all reference frames,” Twilight says, “Wouldn’t it look like time has stopped?”
“Not just ‘look like.’ Time would stop. As you approach the speed of light, time slows down, and eventually stops.”
>You smile.
“This very fact was discovered by one of the greatest physicists of my homeworld, and, now, just as you have done.”
>“What are you trying to say?” Twilight asks.
>You lean back in your chair.
“Nothing in particular. Just that you have... exceeded my expectations.”
Alright, and that's the end of that.
>>27252737
>posting a chapter without at least linking the up to date paste or previous chapters
Sorry. Here, I'll do that now.
Chapter 1: http://pastebin.com/40mr44VH
Chapter 2: http://pastebin.com/JJWvTEPe
Chapter 3: http://pastebin.com/vm9C1M2H
Chapter 4: http://pastebin.com/cpJvVAUH
>>27252814
I hear you. I don't know why it's taken me so long, but I just want to share what I can, while I can. I don't want to take what I've learned from this place for granted. I hope that makes sense.
>>27252768
I used to. Rarely for full greens, more for ideas/short parts for me to update later.
Anyone have a good profile for Celestia? I want her to appear more Royal without going OOC
>>27252587
Post more synonyms and replacements for overused intensifiers and adverbials, and other
>>27254258
Okay. This is what I've got on that.
>>27254331
noice
>>27254331
thanks
>>27254331
Bless you IceMan
Posted this in the last thread, but it died a couple after I posted.
>And yet it is also true that one write nothing readable unless one constantly struggles to efface one's own personality. Good prose is like a window pane...And looking back through my work, I see that it is invariably where I lacked a political purpose that I wrote lifeless books and was betrayed into purple passages, sentences without meaning, decorative adjectives and humbug generally."
This comes from George Orwell's essay "Why I Write" and I'm curious about what he means, especially in the first sentence. Even with the context, I'm not sure if he's saying that you should work against some natural tendency to efface your personality, or that you should work to minimize your personality in your writing to write something filled with truth. Anyone want to discuss this?
>>27255081
In simple terms: writing good content is hard as fuck and not easy
>>27255224
Yeah, I gathered that much.
>>27255081
He seems to be saying:
1. "Things aren't readable unless you detach yourself from your writing." I don't think this is necessarily true. The best writing advice of all is "write what you know." Trying to write detached from the work seems fundamentally impossible. Ultimately, you are going to be attracted to your own subjective opinions on whatever topic you would choose, whether it be writing style or characters or political content.
2."Don't write too much purple prose." Okay. Don't do that. Keep your description to however much is necessary. If you're describing, for example, a scene in a diner, not every person in there needs an elaborate metaphor to describe what they're thinking and feeling, unless that's the point of the scene or something. However, he might actually be saying something stronger, like "I shouldn't have written prose at all, and just focused on the political point of my novels," but this seems doubtful.
>>27255081
Alright, my mind is a bit foggy at the moment, but here's what I'm taking from this is this apparent struggle to efface your personality in your writing, is while maintaining your style, you have to be mindful to not to completely flood the story with your ego. Which writers do fall into that trap often. It can't be personal, even if the story was inspired by your life experiences and things that you know intimately, in short, convey the life lesson or message, of course you can have a writing style, but keep yourself out it, keep your ego out of it.
Now, when he said he was looking back on his works, he saw he was caught up in being fancy with purple prose and showing off yet it wasn't contributing to said stories. All fluff, no substance.
>>27252735
We had a drought of stories toward the end of the last successful thread, which carried over and killed the following one over the weekend. It goes through phases.
>>27252838
I'm game to take on your chapter, as usual, Ice. However, I would love it if >>27252737 looked at it too. I ought not have the monopoly on critiques.
>>27253480
A lot of what makes someone seem royal is detachment, so my first idea would be to use her immortality to justify a sense of emotional distance from her subjects. Reconciling that with her canon kindness would be as simple as letting the protagonist spend enough time in her presence to see that her kindness never really takes on more than one or two superficial forms, giving the sense that most ponies are treated only to a pleasant veneer. She can still be a good, responsible, caring ruler, but just not as genuinely personable as she makes herself appear for the hoi polloi. I'm seeing someone who is knowledgeable, slow to strong emotions, deliberate in both thought and action, strongly appreciative of a few major facets of her life (like her relationship with Luna, or her ability to impart godly knowledge), and perhaps a little envious of the mortals. She's not dead inside by any means, nor is she sad, but the weight of millennia of rulership does take a toll, and she can seem awfully put-upon at times.
>>27255081
You want to have enough of yourself in your story to give it purpose, and to justify to yourself its creation, but you need to avoid celebrating those same aspects of yourself. Keep yourself out of the story, like >>27255441
said. When he looks back, he's observing that his works became things with all style and no substance when he had no clear purpose in mind, stories that got caught up in beautiful prose without actually conveying a meaningful message. Or so I believe.
>>27255574
I've finally written something I'd like critiqued again after practicing around for a few months. Your insight last time gave me a lot to work on and I'd like to see what you think now. It's multi chapter so I'll just post the paste, and if you have some time I'd really appreciate it if you took a look.
Insight from anyone else would be hugely appreciated as well.
The story in question is "Any Port".
pastebin.com/u/rosenkreutz
>>27255574
>I'm game to take on your chapter, as usual, Ice.
Excellent. I look forward to your critique, as always.
>>27255626
>>27255652
Sweet. So I'll do Ice first, since he posted his story first. I'll have a critique on that for Wednesday. After that, I'll work on "Any Port."
bemp
>>27254331
more
>>27255889
Thanks very much. I look forward to both of them.
Feels
>>27257679
Cool
>>27257679
>saved
>>27252611
Here's my impressions of your story for what it's worth. This isn't a highly technical critique, just what I've taken away from it while reading.
I'm writing these after I finish each chapter, so the impressions are fresh.
Chapter One: I like a good origin story, and this does a decent job. The really sudden shift from hard science into technobabble science fiction was jarring a bit, but still interesting.
The later aside about current theories being debunked might have softened it by coming before the experitment.
Your MC by the end of the chapter seems to be oddly accepting of his new surroundings. Even with his initial insistence that its a hallucination he just moseys on up and starts knocking
on doors. If I was that science minded and I thought I was either on an alien world or suffering a full five-sense hallucination I think I'd be a bit more keen to take stock and try to
figure out what's going on. Can't say whether that kind of introspection would have added more substance or not though. Just a thought. I'm definitely keyed up to read the next chapter
though, so it's a success over all.
>>27259497
Chapter Two: Starts off interesting, but having Anon summarize the entirity of the previous section is a bit much. If he does that the first section from Twilight's perspective is kind of
unnecessary. Twilight taking the Starlight Glimmer route with Anon was pretty entertaining. No sarcasm. I thought her using her magic to push Anon around was fun. She gets pretty free with
TKing ponies around in the show and I like to see her being more assertive than she's often shown in other greens. The finish is enjoyable too. The antagonistic relationship back and forth
between Twi and Anon is entertaining. The switchback conversation between the M6 was a bit awkward, but that's greentext for you. Try using different signifiers to indicate who is speaking
other than 'says [character]' over and over. Looking forward to how this goes. This whole thing reminds me a lot of HP:MoR.
Chapter Three: The chess game conversation was good, it ended just before it got tiresome. The progress between Twi and Anon seems natural. Rarity's speech patterns seem a bit OOC, her
vernacular is really chill and not very Rarity IMO. Ah, her personality shapes up a bit as the conversation progresses. Your pacing seems pretty good too, the scenes each have a good
amount of interaction and progression and then switch before becoming stale. Ready for the next chapter.
>>27259507
Chapter Four:This is all ramping up nicely. I was waiting for the GUT force revelation and you took it a step even further, but it makes sense if you think of time/space magic and
telekinesis as gravimetric effects. I'm now waiting for Anon to find that dark energy and matter are essentially the result of Starswirl's Grand Law of Magic in his own universe.
I enjoyed HP:MoR a lot and since this give a similar feel I can't help but enjoy it as well. The Elements of Harmony all doing a decent job of defending their elements is also s
satisfying. I'm really looking forward to Anon getting a heavy dose of Pinkie Pie. All the characters were on point in this chapter. I think you're nailing their personality traits
better and better as you go along. I'm definitely going to be keeping up with this for the forseeable future and hope you'll continue to post and improve.
Thanks for the fun story, IceMan.
>>27259497
>>27259507
>>27259515
Yes, Methods of Rationality was one of my inspirations when (re)-writing this. It seems that most of the problems were with the opening chapters, and even those were fairly minor. Unfortunately, I don't really see an good a way to change them, and even so, I didn't see them as that much of a problem. If I think of something, then I definitely will. Thank you very much for the critique.
Hey guys, I'm back. Everyone really liked the last story, so thanks for the review! Here's the next one, the prompt was green to go along with pic related.
"You ready Dash?"
>"Yea, let's just get this over with."
>Today is Dash's weekly wing cleaning.
>Her wings don't require very much maintenance, but they did need to be cleaned every once in a while.
>Usually she does it herself, but ever since you and her had been living together, you had done it for her.
>She always complains about it, but you knew how much she enjoyed it.
>Not that you'd tell anyone, or else "They will never find your body. Seriously, in a cloud is the last place they would look."
>Dash lays down on the couch in front of you, placing a brush next to her.
>You waste little time, snaking your fingers along her back to the base of her wing.
>You kneed the base, causing her to let out a soft moan.
>Her wings begin to unfurl, until they are totally straightened out.
>You look over to her face and see her blushing furiously.
"Having fun?"
>"S-shut up you dweeb.
>You decide up the ante, running your hand along the main bone, all the way up to the top.
>This elicits a shudder from her, running all the way up her wing.
>You work on her feathers, cleaning them with your nimble fingers.
>You run them through all the nooks and crannies of her wings, not missing a spot.
>You glance upwards to see her face partially buried in her front leg, a mad blush on her face, accompanied by a small smile.
>Getting a bit more adventurous, you grip the base, and run your hand up along the bone, wrapping the wing in your grip.
>This earns you a gasp from Dash.
>You let out a chuckle at this, which is met by a kick from Dash.
>You stop with your fingers and pick up the brush.
>You run it up the wings, which are at full mast now.
>A few loose feathers fall out, resting on the couch.
>After a few minutes of this, you wrap up your cleaning, getting between every feather.
(Cont.)
>>27259942
(Cont.)
>You release her wings, and lift her into your lap.
>She folds the wings back up and settles down in your lap.
>She lets out a small, satisfied sigh, resting her head on your lap.
>You scratch her behind her ear absent-mindedly
>"Thanks Nonny, you're the best. Behind me, of course."
>She closes her eyes, and drifts off to sleep, you not long after.
FIN
Lemme know if it sucks.
>>27259942Cyoot. Thanks for sharing.
>>27260204
Thanks. Any issues?
>>27260639
I have one: Did you solve your theorem with Turing about the computables?
>>27260639
>>27260639
Hey, Church. Nice to see you posting here too. Your stuff keeps improving and I'm glad you didn't force yourself to keep to an arbitrary length. It was just right for what you were trying to convey. I think someone in the RD thread said "Nonny" was a Pinkie exclusive nickname but I don't know how true that is. Keep it up.
>>27260726
Thanks man, I was worried about it being too short, so I'm glad to hear it.
>>27260667
Yes but it are solve isnt but even long?
>>27261568
I have no idea what you are talking about, so I replied with gibberish.
Holy shit, I actually made it onto the writefag list for my home thread, holy shit. Just wanted to pop over and say thanks, you guys have been really helpful with my writing.
>>27262228
Nice blog faggot.I'm proud of you. Keep up the good work.
>>27262228
Congrats, man
Since this thread is going a little slowly I'll bump with a oneshot I did in the RD thread.
>"C'mon you slowpoke! You gotta move faster than that if you wanna keep up!"
>You want to keep up.
>You follow her through a dizzying series of banks, rolls, and dives.
>You can move better than ever before, but you've got none of her effortless grace.
>You become transfixed as you watch her flitting around ahead of you.
>Time seems to slow as you watch her change speed and direction with the barest flick of a wingtip.
>You'd watched her on the ground and from the ground, but this.....
>When she's up in the sky like this she's unreachable, undefinable.
>And still every fiber of your being cries out to reach toward her.
*WHANG* *CLATTER*
>You had almost caught up, but she took a quick turn.
>You spun to follow, but your reactions aren't like hers
>You hit a spur of rock and now your wings are broken.
>You see her accelerate up and out toward the sun.
>The shape of her against the sky more blinding than Celestia's orb.
>Then you fall. The ground rushes up to meet you.
>But even if this is the last time, it's thanks to her that you could feel the wind and taste the clouds
>You close your eyes in utter bliss
>And feel yourself slow, caught against a soft, velvety embrace.
>"Tank, you knucklehead, you gotta pay more attention when you fly."
>You just croak and look up at her.
>You already caught her the one time it counted.
>>27263443
I loved it then, and I love it now. Good job Rosen.
>>27263443
yes
>>27252583
Can I write about anthro ponies? I like bat anthro ponies. I think they're for sexual.
>>27268871
Write about whatever you want.
Though I'll admit, in terms of getting an audience it sounds fairly niche.
>>27269018
This.
Anthro is tolerated. Tolerated isn't a good word.
>>27268871
Yo, >>27269018 and >>27269773 is right.
But I'll consider myself the minority here, I like anthro.
Also, just to get some discussion rolling here, what are some things that happen in a story that instantly makes you want to drop it?
Bad grammar, spelling and punctuation aside, I'm talking about story elements.
Be as autistic as you want with you answers, I'm just curious what goes on in peoples heads.
Here are a few of my answers:
>Anon Trinity trope
That being Anon, his brain and his dick commenting on the situation before them and fighting among themselves which is inevitable. Of course the brain and the dick have conflict. Its good for mining jokes, but it's a tired bunch of jokes at this point.
>Berry Punch is an alcoholic
I'm not even sure how that head cannon got so strong, and I've yet to see someone pull this trope off ever. It's just something that annoys me.
>X character loses memory after some bad shit went down.
It's a watered down version of a reset button and it annoys the shit out of me. Sometimes it's best to let the tension build.
>Estrus happens
Aka easy mode clopfic.
That's all I got, but I'd like to hear from you guys as well
>>27270463
Nothing dumps me out of a story quicker than OOC dialogue. I've been guilty of doing it in the past, but that doesn't make it any better.
Unexpected violations of established canon bother me. If it's up front about it from the start, less so.
In AiE it bothers me when characters bend over backwards to allow Anon's bullshit with no realistic character based repercussions.
When a story gets derailed by its own MC. Y'know, when the story becomes second banana to trying to force the MC into the author's desired role instead of making it happen organically. Like they went, "Oops, I should've made her more like this," and shoehorns in a bunch of unrelated crap and drama. I've seen this a few times, but the one that disappointed me most was Blackjack from Project Horizon. Prolly wont ever finish that fic.
From the descriptions I've seen most clop just looks like the pony versions of Penthouse Forum so I've never really investigated them for good writing. The few I've read on this site are just as expected, so I rarely read them.
>>27255652
Working on the critique now, Ice.
>>27263443
Hey, this is nice. My head's in "writing about Anon" mode, so I wasn't expecting it to not be him somehow. Very sweet little story.
>>27270463
I can't stand lengthy "beautiful day" intros. You know the kind. "The sun was shining bright in its celestial cradle, casting the world in a placid, gentle golden hue. Butterflies filled the air in the fields outside town while the laughter of fillies and chatter of market-going townsfolk made the day seem to swell with happy energy." Entire paragraphs of the shit as an opener, it's just like a big, neon "Disaster incoming" sign.
The casual meme speak. Purplesmart did X, but Anon's a cool guy, so Y. Someone does something objectionable, and Anon's reaction line simply reads "ishygddt.tif." God, I read to escape the memes, not see them in a new light.
Any time an author spends his or her first paragraph pontificating on the nature of love. That false profundity galls the shit out of me.
That Anon trinity thing is so true. I never had a term for it, so I thank you. I don't mind the estrus so much just because it's convenient and quick, and doesn't distract from those sexy, unreal horsies.
bump
>>27271359
Oh god I hate filename lines in greentext, I get that's really going back to the old school greentext style, but man that shit annoys me.
>I can't stand lengthy "beautiful day" intros.
Holy Jesus in a Chysler me niether, typically, I just roll my eyes and say, "alright, get to the part where shit hits the fan."
>>27271359
Copy that.
>>27271359
Glad you liked it! I've never written AiE before. I just don't have anything to bring to the table on that at the moment. I don't mind writing about OC's, but Anon kind of frustrates my ability to think of something that hasn't been done to death. I like a lot of the AiE I've read though.
>>27270463
There are a lot of things that just generally turn me off a story. Usually, when sex is involved, there's a huge risk of me not liking it. It's either out of left field, or is the focus, and everything prior is just a formality.
Another thing that really irks me is the "Anon is a Mary Sue, but it's totally in an ironic way, guys"
If you want examples of it, I'd point out janitor-Anon and Bloodanon in Twiquestria. Neither of them are particularly funny, and the obvious attempt to make Anon so far above all the other characters that he becomes untouchable only makes it worse.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1NkwT6VPLSY
Not to toot my own horn, but I wrote this a while back, and someone did a vocaroo recording of it.
>>27271743
I've seen that pasta. 8/10 would kek again.
>>27271782
Glad you enjoyed it
>>27271630
This looks like it’s going to be another relatively short critique, which bodes well for you in one way, but, in another way, it’s not ideal. We’re four chapters deep now, and I wish there were more for me to talk about. Last time, I told you to get a move on with developing the plot, and you did that here, which I appreciated. You do have me curious for Anon’s relationship with Twilight, whether he’s going to learn to respect her soon. However, half of your chapter’s content can’t really be approached in this kind of critique, because it’s just Anon lecturing Twilight and the reader about the science behind his experiments.
Knowing the science is interesting, and knowing that you know it (or can fake it well) gives you a lot of credibility, but these explanations are not themselves narrative. I can’t really count them as dialogues, because all Twilight does is nod, take notes, or, once, ask him to slow down. There’s no character being elucidated in these exchanges, just scientific information, and it’s not relayed in a way that illuminates more of Anon’s character. So, to describe this situation in a different way, one could say that this chapter was one part character interaction, one part exposition, and that’s not a nice ratio for something that is at once late in the story and seemingly non-essential. I call it that with confidence, because these experiments of his are just the preliminaries; it would be profoundly strange for you to try to wedge these into a pivotal position in the plot. 1/?
>>27272120
I think, instead of hitting me with all the science so early on, you would be better off giving just the pieces that will later factor into the construction of his interdimensional portal, so that all this extraneous explanation ramps up steadily. And let me caution you: if that IS what you’re doing, and all this stuff IS just the basics, you’re setting yourself up for some spectacular challenges later on in balancing story with science. Remember, your readers are here for Anon mucking around with ponies, not for a summary of advanced physics.
I liked your characters a lot more than in your previous chapter, so good job with them. It was nice to see Twilight show a backbone, and Rarity seemed more herself as well. We’ll see whether she can keep it that way when Anon and she meet up again. Applejack was good, though I’m a little surprised she didn’t express curiosity about what Anon and Twilight were up to. Surprised, but not offended.
What surprises me in a slightly more negative way is Pinkie’s absence. It’s been some days since Anon showed up now, and we haven’t heard a peep from her since chapter two. I’d like to believe that she’s setting up a surprise party for him to shit all over, but those usually don’t take more than the one day for her to set up. For that matter, why has no one else come by to meet or gawk at him? When Twilight showed up way back in season one, everyone was all over her. I guess what I’m saying is that the town is feeling a little empty. This is in part due to the insular nature of the story and the fact that both main characters are introverts, but you want to be careful with that; if you spend too much time with just one pair of characters interacting at a time, you’re liable to reduce Ponyville from a bustling town to an empty stage. I got intimations of this in this chapter, but, if, in the next chapter, you add in some more characters and get a little more going, everything should be fine. 2/?
>>27272138
Anon changes his mind strangely quickly on line 241. At first, I thought he was blazing through the experiment with insufficient explanation to teach Twilight a lesson in being patient, but, if that was his intent, it didn’t come across to me. Anon is far too straight with the way he plays things, which I suppose is the point, but it’s also leaving you precious little room to wiggle when he acts different. The way it looks right now, Twilight badgered him enough to change his mind entirely, and be instantly committed to experimenting, rather than researching. His line about how the best answers are found by experiment has no place in his earlier insistence at careful, thorough research and planning, but I’m not getting the impression that he’s a character that doubles back on what he says, so I’m left with no real answer to my question of why he’s so immediately ready to do what Twilight wants, after such an argument against it. However, outside that single instant, he’s still the same infernal bastard I know and love.
I’ve got a few detail points, and then the concluding paragraph. Starting in a positive light, I really liked your intro letter with Twilight. That was a good way of summarizing events so far and showing me that Twilight has her own perspective on all of it. Well done with that.
Watch yourself on being repetitious with the themes in your metaphors. We’ve got “waltz” on line 18 and “tango “ on line 6. 3/5
>>27272169
I think line 88 paints Anon in a too-sinister light, and also makes him seem too amusedly self-aware. That shark smile he gives her belongs more on someone who takes pleasure in the fact that they make Twilight uncomfortable, and this Anon doesn’t seem to take pleasure in anything. I would expect him to just give her a short “of course” and leave it at that. Besides this point, that sentence is constructed poorly. The phrase “the negative reciprocation of that facial expression” is exceptionally roundabout, when you’re just saying that Twilight frowns at him.
I don’t think you need lines 106-107. We all know Twilight’s library is quiet, and Rarity probably knows it even better than we. There’s no need to linger on that point.
Line 164 forces me to go back to my point about how he changes his mind so quickly. Anon tells Applejack that he has no experience with mechanical engineering, but what about his portal? Didn't he build that thing mostly on his own? Again, here, I assumed he was lying in order to avoid Applejack, but I saw nothing of him dealing with that hypothetical repulsion when again changing his mind to go chasing after her magical generator. 4/5
>>27272189
And this brings me to this final point. It’s difficult to keep a continuous impression of this story because of the staccato way it’s coming out, and that’s no fault of yours. I want you to know, though, in case I ever overlook a detail in an earlier chapter. I can keep these critiques at a chapter-by-chapter basis if you would like, and that’s fine, but if you want a bigger, more comprehensive critique, you’ll want me to look at this again when it’s all finished, so I can run through it in one shot.
So, overall, I liked this chapter more than I did the last. I liked both the intro and end, and I like what Twilight’s becoming, though I’m not very excited about the other characters, given that I’ve just gotten some teasers. Anon’s character is coming along fairly strongly, but a couple of things he says seems out of place because of his no-nonsense attitude. I think you need to pay closest attention to the volume of technical dialogue you employ, because a lot of this chapter felt like a textbook rendered into some character’s speech, and that’s not particularly appetizing when there’s a town full of ponies just outside, waiting to be condescended to. 5/5
>>27271704
All right, you're next. I'll have a critique for you on Saturday before my weekend vanishing act.
>>27272120
>>27272138
>>27272169
>>27272189
>>27272249
Thank you very much as always. There's some good stuff for me to look at here, most of which I didn't even consider. So, thanks for that. There was one thing you said that sort of stood out to me; Anon didn't actually build the portal himself this time, at least not on his own. He probably handled some of the higher-level theoretical work and a bit of the experimental design, but the actual engineering was probably handled by other people. However, yes, he is basically lying, and he would probably be able to help in at least some positive way, at least in analyzing what was going wrong from a theoretical perspective (e.g. there's too much force on some part of the machine). But, yes, I agree there should be more repulsion against that. Everything else I agree with entirely and I will fix.
As for a final critique at the end of the story, yes, I would greatly appreciate that, although I wouldn't expect that any time soon. I'd kinda like to wrap this up before the end of the year, considering I've been writing/(re)-writing this same story for a total of about three and a half years now, but that's not a great estimate. It'll be done when it's done is my best guess.
>>27272120
>>27272402
Oh, I had one more thing to add. I don't really know what I'm going to do about the science exposition, to be honest. I think it's important to the story, at least because it's something I'm passionate about and I want to make central to it, but I do understand how exposition can get dull. It's also something where I feel if there's too much detail left out then it will seem like things just came out of nowhere. I'm hoping that the next chapter can cut down on that, and it's something I'll definitely keep in mind, but as of this point I can't really see a way to get rid of it, at least in this chapter. Also, one of my ideas was for Anon to do one experiment or find something new out at least once per chapter, to keep the story moving, but if this gets too cumbersome I will cut down on that.
>>27272402
You're very welcome. I also thought that it would make more sense if he oversaw the portal's construction, but I couldn't assume that.
No rush on finishing the story. Do what you have to do, and be patient with yourself. I'd love to go over it again when it's done. My favorite story to critique is something long and complete.
>>27272474
Hm. If you want to keep the science central to the story, I would suggest you add in more character interactions, so the ratio between science and interaction is in favor of interaction. Everything will scale up, and the science talk, if done right, will feel smaller. A harder balancing act, but one that will tighten those chapters more than my first suggestion, would be to mix science with dialogue, with Anon and Twilight bantering and arguing amid sentences of exposition. Maybe, instead of having Anon explain it in dialogue, you let him talk with Twilight and put in descriptions of what he's doing between.
>"Frankly, Twilight, you should be thanking me," you say, putting the Science Thing into the Other Science Thing. "Most Anons would have tried to have sex with you by this point."
>You note the sudden incandescence with displeasure, realizing immediately that you would need to rethink your methodology to compensate for the Science Thing's piezoelectric properties.
>"Stupid mistake," you mumble.
Keeping that style of dialogue, though, at a good and varied pace can be difficult. Those are my first two ideas.
If you concern yourself too much with Anon learning new things in every chapter, you're going to make it harder for yourself to let him work with the other characters, because of how unapproachable he is. Keep that in mind.
>>27272596
Yes, that suggestion would work perfectly. I'll keep all those things in mind for the next chapter. I do want the next one to be more character-based for reasons that I will not divulge because that would involve spoiling what will happen. Thanks, once again.
>>27272607
My pleasure. Good luck on the next one.
Biggty bump
I don't have anything clever to say, so bump.
>>27275077
Hey it's okay Anon, just share your thoughts anyway.
BUMNP
ANOTHER BUMP
So, to go the opposite route from the last question: What qualities could a story have that would keep you reading it despite numerous other flaws that would normally push you away? I guess what would make it a sort of guilty pleasure read.
For me, one of those things is really interesting action sequences. Like Bleach, for example. Terrible writing and one dimensional characters but really engaging action. I still keep up with the manga.
Another thing is a really well fleshed out universe where the mechanics of how things work are well laid out. I've stuck with a lot of bad fantasy just because I like how their magic or political systems work.
>>27276830
Great use of characters, as well as their interaction. Over the last year I've found that nothing holds my attention like enchanting characters.
Surprisingly good humor. This tends to go hand-in-hand with good characterization, at least for me.
With those two things I can lose track of time reading a fic with plenty of flaws in its story. Besides the common eyesores that immediately turn me off.
Sup writefags.
Do you keep track of any generals or writefags for preferred reading material?
How do you find the entertaining greens? Just happen to run into a thread at the right moment?
>>27279355
Nope. I'm so incredibly backed up that I follow few generals and their respective writefags, while otherwise referring to other reading material I have at home.
I don't stray very far. Not that I have to, in order to find what I like reading.
>>27279355
I don't read many greens. I know that sounds hypocritical, but I don't. I usually lose interest in them. Not exactly sure why. I don't dislike reading. In fact, I'm on an Orwell bender, and had to force myself to not pick up another book so I could focus on studying.
Bamp
>>27279355
I revisit the board (And ponies in general) once every few months for about a 5 week stretch. I consume all of the green available in that time, outline a dozen news stories of my own as a rsdult of the greens, be they unique and inspiring or piss that I'd like to see done better and then hit the 5 week mark, lose all interest and vanish. I'm barely a writefag anymore.
General that have existed too long I backlog as opposed to just jumping in. I'd like to get into the Princess Applejack threads but I have no hope or time to catch up.
bumpie
page 9
You ever reread an old story you wrote and think "wow, this was fucking awful"
>>27285191
Almost immediately.
bamp
>>27288884
Sorry Anon
Brace yourselves fellas
It's episode day
Hey, would be alright to discuss the new episode here? I feel like if we can have the floor open for it, we'll be active enough to survive the rush
>>27290120
I don't see why not, I thought we always allowed for show discussion
>>27290145
Discussion of writing I general. Considering the direction the show has been taking, good discussion how not to right based off of the premiered episode would be just fine.
>>27290145
Discussion of writing in general and of any form is allowed here.
Considering the direction the show has been taking, good discussion how not to write based off of the premiered episode would be just fine.
>>27290212
>>27290226
>>27290145
I thought so, guess I was being paranoid
>>27290226
It would actually be kind of nice to discuss the writing aspect here. Generally, discussion is either "it's shit" or "it's great"
page 9
>>27271704
Rosen, I'm starting to write your critique right now.
>>27295787
Oooh! Sweet, thanks! Looking forward to it!
I uploaded first submission a little while ago, before end of semester mayhem got to me. Please be as blunt as possible.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/325317/welcome-to-reality
>>27297221
Not to offend, but learning when to use different punctuation would really help you.
>>27297305
If that is in reference to Celestials' reach. that is how plural possessives work isn't it?
>>27297406
No, as in even in your description has a minor error.
>Will their interference guide Equestria to a brighter future or will the law of unexpected consequences rear its ugly head.
It should be a question mark, not a period.
Throughout the entire thing, there's tons of little errors like that.
>>27297525
>>27297406
Same person, you need to learn how to use commas as well.
If I wrote the sentence it would be
>Will their interference steer Equestria to a better future, or will previously unforeseen conflicts arise?
>>27297525
>>27297558
Yeah, had just noticed that. Well, I think I have a style manual somewhere. Probably buried under a pile engineering textbooks...
So I have this idea for a story involving seaponies, but no other real parts of the story, it would more or less be a story revolving around one scene using the little "shoo be doo" jingle
>>27297880
Anything more you want to say? Do you have a question?
>>27295884
In chapter three, a shade deeper than halfway through, I was getting worried that Anemone was going to get too heavily back-loaded with information. She’d been a mystery for two chapters, and she had two left, and that’s not much time for something like that to unwind in a reasonable manner. That concern turned out to be misplaced, but I wish it weren’t, because, what happened instead perplexed the ever-living hell out of me.
Let me lead in saying that this was the only major issue with an otherwise good story. It was a doozey, and with pernicious effect, but it was alone. Why is Anemone what she is? Also, what exactly is she? I mean, yes, I know it’s a mystery, but, in general terms, am I simply to believe that Applejack bumped into some incredibly powerful, unspecified being? Is she a goddess? A demigoddess? One of those overgoddesses that certain world-origin writers like to invent for the question of where Celestia and Luna come from? If I’m correct, you’re trying to point to the idea that Applejack is living in a complicated and not entirely understood world where entities vastly more powerful than she live, and there are worse ways to do it, but Anemone and her family were not well timed. 1/?
>>27298034
The first four chapters were just Applejack and a curious filly trying to survive in their snowed-in cabin, and that was good. Incidentally, I got the impression that something was very off about Anemone right away, so good job on portraying that. What you did, though, was overextend yourself at the last, trying to make her into way more than she was equipped to be. She was set up as a cagey unicorn with some kind of magical disease, and that right there is more than enough to create an interesting dynamic in the small space where they’re shacking up. Lumping the powerful but argumentative family into it was not only out of nowhere, but a poor way to resolve the story. A story should resolve not with the inclusion of a new plot point, but with the connection or dissipation of loose threads. In this case, an appropriate resolution would be the classic “they both get out and everything’s fine, Anemone later goes off on her own to find those parents,” or “Applejack, braving a cave-in, tunnels out of the snow, Anemone behind her, and they walk back to the farm atop however many feet of snow.” Or, if tragedy is more your thing, Anemone buys the farmpun very intendedand Applejack escapes later when her friends come for her, then they have a burial. The idea is that both important characters reach some sort of end, be it permanent or just a return to the status quo. A shift away from that, when it’s done so quickly, takes the story and rocks it right off its foundation. It’s like a plot twist, but without the benefit of more story to follow to keep everything in line. 2/?
>>27298054
Applejack’s dream had similar, but different, problems. In her dream, she was being approached by a nameless power that was dangerous enough to get Luna involved, and that whole part did the same as Anemone’s letter to scale Applejack’s world up by a huge factor, suddenly putting her in a much larger, scarier place than where she started. It happened so fast, though, and with so little solid information that the only things I know for certain are: someone wanted Applejack eternally asleep, either dead or indisposed; and their power either outclassed or outwitted Luna, because it was Applejack’s efforts, not hers, that set the dream right. What that means is that I finished reading the dream sequence knowing only that there was someone out there capable of rendering Princess Luna, whose purview is dreams, ineffectual, but also someone she’s never encountered (or encountered in this way) before. To simplify that further, it means that I read that there is someone never before seen who can beat the princess.
Is that clearer? Your sequence is wrapped up in a lot of descriptive prose (good descriptive prose, mind) and creative apparitional conflict, so it can be hard to see what it all boils down to. Moreover, it made me question why anyone would want to target Applejack. More accurately, why anyone would want to target Applejack, and only her, at this specific time. Up to that point, I had no reason whatsoever to think Anemone was connected, so I just assumed some garden-variety conspiracy to destroy the Elements. In a way, it’s good that you brought it back to her, so you could have one outrageous twist ending instead of two, but none of it should have happened in the first place, so it’s a hollow achievement. 3/?
>>27298088
Once I realized that the two events were connected, and Anemone comes from a family of high-powered entities, I had to then ask: why would they want Applejack dead? What has Applejack done? Did they think she was responsible for Anemone letting herself run out of power in the middle of nowhere? Did they perhaps see the sleeping earth pony as a threat? Or are they simply so powerful that they didn’t even notice Applejack, and their magic radiates off, killing the mortals wherever they go? Any one of those options has its own ridiculousness in this story—and I do mean THIS story. Those ideas, alone, can fit elsewhere, with some work. The point is, though, that none of the ending made sense. It seems like a lot of things are happening for no reason, and the only jot of explanation I get is in Anemone’s goodbye letter. It’s not enough, but it’s also just an inappropriate way for the story to go, because, even if you wrote two hundred lines in her letter, explaining who she is, where she’s from, and basically outlining everything that happened in Applejack’s brief somnolent interim, you’d still be left with the question of “why bother?” Then, it would be the problem of having way too much sudden information at the end, and that’s just as bad. A plot twist, explained or not, carries the same weight, just distributed differently, and here, it spread all over the final chapter like a bunch of spilled ice cream. 4/?
>>27298132
So how to fix? It’s as easy as exercising some restraint in your writing. I believe, if you had left this as it was before the end, it would have been a pretty good story. Instead of being connected to some immensely powerful family, and being possibly immensely powerful herself if she’s gotten her health sorted out, Anemone is just an unfortunate filly who got lost and decided to hole up in the cabin. She was out looking for her friends, or playing and got separated, or something. The key is to give her a mundane, understandable reason for being there, so her experience with Applejack can’t accidentally get sucked into the black hole of a dark past. That’s what I thought was going to happen first, actually, when she mentioned her missing parents. A dark past on a character has a tendency to draw every other character’s attention, and the readers’, and it’s a dangerous thing indeed to introduce to a story, especially a short one.
I’m not sure why you went with the ending you did, which means that advising you on the precise way to approach the idea of restraint is difficult. If you ended it by choice, because you wanted to leave the reader with the idea that Applejack had blundered into something bigger than herself, then I would tell you to give ideas like that way more time to germinate, because this one was premature as hell. If, however, you ended it that way because you couldn’t think of how to solve both characters’ problems in a way that satisfied you, then I would say that you need to have more confidence in your ability to write those characters. Endings are hard, don’t get me wrong, but finding some ancillary twist to burst in and resolve everything independent of the characters’ actions is not the way to go about it. 5/?
>>27298170
On the topic of everything being independent of character actions, I want to address what Anemone said in her letter. She writes “If you hadn’t helped me even though I was a stranger…” and I think that’s very transparent. It’s understood by both characters that Applejack did this in spite of Anemone being a stranger, and, even then, the kindness of strangers isn’t all that big a deal, and it should be even less a big deal in Equestria, where there exist a precious few jerk ponies. I can’t shake the feeling that Anemone wrote that only to emphasize the point you wanted to make, that Applejack is a nice pony through and through. Number one, that point stands on its own; you need not have Anemone mention it so stiltedly. Number two, that point is pretty much understood by everyone anyway, and does not need to be made into something large. Applejack is nice, just like every other pony in Ponyville. Big deal. She also writes that Applejack gave her the strength to stand up to her cousin, but I question that. Applejack’s story about being stern to her sister was good, yes, and it taught a valuable lesson about not being an idiot when you’re young, but Anemone didn’t seem to react too strongly at the time of telling. She understood, but if she was drawing some inspiration from this story, it was incredibly understated. So, for her to turn around and claim that Applejack helped her stand up, something that I’m forced to believe is important for her, since she’s mentioning it in her goodbye letter, it shows a disconnect between her reaction at the time and the way she implements it later on, but there’s not enough character development there for me to comfortably make the assumption that Anemone is the kind of pony who internalizes information quietly but completely. 6/?
>>27298190
And there is yet another reason why this ending should have been avoided. If we shift the focus off of Applejack and her world and put it on Anemone, her character doesn’t stand up to such magical circumstances either, because she’s designed for a short story, and that kind of giant magical event (capable of confounding the goddess, remember) is made for something much longer. Early on, I said that you were trying to make Anemone something she was not equipped to be, and here it is again. On that point, I think you underused Anemone’s magical condition. That could have been a great talking point for them, and you could have leveraged it into some interesting unicorn-earth pony tension, but all it became in this story was Anemone’s excuse not to do work.
I know that this critique so far has just been hammering on the same issue, and that can’t be pleasant to read. Let me reiterate that, before the final chapter, I was right there with you. I thought your descriptions were good, I liked how Applejack handled being trapped in the spooky cabin, and I liked the way you wrote Anemone’s elusiveness. I’ll now move on to the much smaller issues that I took, and then we’re done.
In chapter four, I think you gave too much attention to the initial explanation of what the CMC are. Anemone doesn’t know, I know, but you need to find a way to balance the description that a character needs but the reader doesn’t. I also thought that the recollection was a tiny bit too whimsical for the world that Applejack finds herself in. We’re operating in a Ponyville where there are sometimes storms that can pose a legitimate thread to someone’s life, and that, mixed with Cherry Berry in a balloon with a filly-saving rope, doesn’t go quite right. 7/8
Oy. I seem to have become the victim of my own mystery. Here's what was happening:Anemone is a changeling. I wanted this to be figured out mostly by the end of the third chapter with her denying food, gaining strength from making AJ focus on love, reacting hard to Twilight Sparkle's name and the allusion to falling from Canterlot. This is also how she 'gained strength' from AJ. Tongue in cheek. It should also explain her distrust of ponies, and worry, her missing family, the power that attacked AJ, and AJ figuring it out when she noticed no prints leading away. I didn't make it obvious, but I was hoping my readers would cotton on to it before the ending. Maybe I needed more up front clues?
I don't know. Most of the criticism so far stems from these things not being understood, so I have to wonder what you'd think if I had written so it became more apparent...I left it ambiguous as part of the theme by the end because of what you wrote about cramming a lot of info in the end would ruin it, and if it was figured out, unnecessary.
>>27298222
In chapter three, I would have liked more writing on the smoke emergency. It was a good piece of action, and a great way to both break up the monotony of exploring Anemone’s brick wall defenses and also show her magical problem, but more would have been great. It resolved awfully quickly, so I didn’t get much time to appreciate the fear involved in dealing with it. I imagine Applejack was probably scared shitless for a bit there, but I didn’t get very much in that way.
In chapter one, a tiny point, you say that the house is mostly buried, but Applejack seems to have minimal trouble opening the door.
So, there you have it. A fucking novel on the last chapter, and only the briefest points on everything before it. Let this go to show that the ending is one of the most dangerous parts of a story. If chapter five happened as you wrote it, but then there was a sixth chapter where Applejack meets one of the family members, or talks to Twilight about it and gets an answer, I wouldn’t have nearly the same volume of stuff to say about it. You had a good beginning and a pretty good middle, but you need to work out a new ending to this pronto. 8/8
>>27298234
Understood. I also need to work on making the mystery a little more solveable. It was supposed to be a bit head scratchy at first, but I wanted the reader to be more in the know than AJ by the end of it. I failed in this. The ending was what I was most shaky on as well. In light of what I spoilered up above, what advice would you give to shaping it up? I thought if the reader figured it out like I wanted having a final scene where the characters spell it all out up front would be gratuitous and unneeded.
So I've been writing my story for about a month now, and think it's starting to fall flat.
I know the stories need to be pre-written, but is there a way you could make an exception?
Here's a link. I'd post the whoke thing here, but it's over 3,000 or so in the paste.About 400 lines in the format changes. This is because I've been periodically rewriting the story, and the new/fixed bits are the spaced parts.
Keep in mind that this is my first green: http://pastebin.com/i5yNCzPK
>>27298262
You got the initial mystery well; I definitely thought something was up with her. You were right not to spell it out at the end, because that would have been too much as well, as outlined above.
You can do a couple things to leave more clues for the ending. My first thought it so let the conversation stray in the direction of changelings, so the reader has that on his or her mind. That might make the connection easier. Alternatively, instead of making Applejack simply more tired, try making her feel emotionally drained from the telling of the story. The way it is now, her fatigue is kind of coming out of nowhere, but if there's a more emotional connection to it, and you have, at the same time, Anemone stating that she feels better, that can help.
I'm out. I've got Groceries over and a beer in hand. I'll be back, probably Monday.
Alright, im back. Not too easy to get rid of me, is it? The prompt was "Anon and Dash reading together".
>*Yawn* "You coming Anon? You're cutting into our reading time, slowpoke."
"I'm coming, hold on a sec."
>You strip off your jeans, exit the bathroom, and head to the bedroom.
>Dash sure did love her reading time, so she was always in a bit of a rush to get to it.
>You felt honored that she included you on such a sacred ritual of hers.
>You enter the room, apparently much too slow for Rainbow Dash.
>She's already in her pajamas, and Tank is in his matching pair.
>The book of choice is already laying on the bed.
"Come on Dash, Daring Doo and the Ring of Destiny again?"
>"What? It's got the two most awesome ponies to ever live in it, Daring Doo and....?"
>She motions for you to complete the sentence.
"And Rainb-"
>"Rainbow Dash! What's not to like?"
"Only that we've read it a thousand times already."
>You lift the covers and hop into bed, careful not to lay on Tank.
>Not that you'd hurt him, but he'd probably break your back if you did.
>You lift your arm, and place it back down as soon as Dash is snuggled up against your chest.
>"But awesomeness doesn't expire, so unless you have a better idea, get reading slowpoke!"
>Actually you do. A really good one.
"I thought that instead of reading that, we could read something else."
>Noting Dash's puzzled look, you lean over and reach under the bed.
>Finding it's prize, tour hand takes hold of the object and brings it up.
"I thought we could read this instead."
>"Anon, is that...?"
"You bet it is."
>The rainbow mare springs from the bed, frantically running in place.
>"OHMYGOSHOMYGOSH! IS THAT THE NEW DARING DOO BOOK?!"
>You've got the smuggest look ever on your face.
"Yes it is, first of it kind."
>"HOW DID YOU GET THAT? It's not coming out for another month!"
"The publisher owed me a favor, and they have a bunch ready now, just waiting to ship. So he gave me one."
(Cont.)
>>27298524
Fuck, I forgot my trip.
(Cont.)
>Rainbow wraps you up in a huge hug, catching you completely off guard.
>She breaks away and gives you a quick peck on the lips.
>This much affection is rare from her, so you've learned to cherish it.
>"Thanks Anon, this is so awesome!"
"Come on Dash, let's crack into it."
>She settles back into her usual place under your arm, while Tank crawls his way back onto her side.
>You crack open the book, and after a brief pause, you begin.
>She has a huge grin the whole time and at times of action, she even kicks her legs in excitement.
>You reach a place that seems fit to stop.
>Closing the book earns you a huge groan from Dash
>"Come on Nonny, if we don't find out how she gets out of that alligators stomach, I think I'll explode!"
"Sorry Dash, but it's getting really late."
>She gives you the saddest look she can muster.
>"Come on Anon, don't be lame. Just one more chapter?"
>Fuck, you hate to see her sad.
>She looked just as sad as she did the last 17 times she asked for "just one more chapter".
"Alright Dash, one more chapter."
>"Yes!"
FIN
Lemme know what you think.
>>27298266
3000? There's like 4200 lines in that story...
>>27298498
Thanks again. I'll try to think of what I can do for an edited version. Enjoy your weekend!
>>27298266
Just post it here anyway so we can give feedback on certain parts easily.
>>27298539
Cute, well wrote, and simple. I like it.
So can this thread be used for criticism of prose?
>>27298983
>well wrote
>wrote
>>27299287
Is that sarcasm?
>>27299213
Well written*
>>27299410
Responded to the wrong post, meant to be directed towards >>27298983
So this is my first time posting here, and I'm a tad nervous. Just want some feedback.
>“Get off my boat, Anon.”
>Ye spits in front of Shining Armor’s hooves ‘n growl.
“Yar! Over me dead body ya scallywag!”
>Ye waves yer pirate hook at ‘im ta scare the dirty land-lubbers.
>The lad’s face still be stoic as ever, completely unphased by yer antics.
>Yargh...screw the scurvy dog!
>He just be jealous ‘cause ya gots yerself the shiniest boots o’ the seven seas with an’ eyepatch, yargh!
>The blue-maned rascal flabbers his scurvy lips at ye.
>“Anon, seriously, get the Tartarus off my ship before I get my soldiers to throw you off.”
>The lad’s band o’ ponies be whats ye’d expects.
>Them sea-dogs o’ Shining’s ship be garbed with the most gayest sailor rags ya laid ye eye upon!
>Ya lets out hardy pirate laugh.
“Yar har har! Ye thinks ya can make Cap’n Anon walk off the plank, eh?”
>“No, we’ll just put you back onto the dock before we leave.”
“We’ll sees about that ye filthy--wait, we haven’t left the dock yet?”
>You quickly look behind the ship.
>The families of many sailor ponies all look bored by your antics, and Twilight and Cadance have an annoyed expression on their faces.
>...Guess you started too soon?
>Shining walks up beside you and places a hoof on your shoulder.
>“Anon, dude. You don’t wanna go with us. You’re not even in the Her Majesty’s Royal Guard.”
>...
“Oh. Shit, you sure we can’t make this like some sort of long-ass story about me acting like I’m a pirate and do some shit that annoys you?”
>Shining shakes his head no with a confused look on his face.
>“Sorry, but why would I do that?”
>Fuck this wasn’t what you had in mind…
>>27299959
“Uh, look, are you sure I can’t make this into a ditzy sort of swashbuckling adventure at sea? I mean seriously, I even got the outfit custom made and shit! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a pirate costume made for the only human in this world?”
>The stallion sighs at your persistence, and face hooves.
>“Anon, no. We are not doing that, we won’t let you stay on the ship. GET. OFF.”
>Your head hangs low in defeat.
“Fuck.”
>The sound of tiny wings fluttering under your pirate hat makes you remove it.
>The expensive cockatoo you bought from Fluttershy flaps onto your shoulder.
>“Raaa! I'M A FOOKIN LEGEND! Raaa!”
“No, Eric my loyal lackey. No swashbucklin’ for us fuckin' legends...”
That's all there is. Feedback?
>>27299971
Had a hearty kek. That was great, no issues at all.
>>27299971
good start to me
postepisode night bump
>>27299213
Of course, it's any type of story as long as it is pony related. What you need help with?
>>27294584
That would actually be wonderful. Day after episode, what did everybody think?
My two cents:
I didn't like the episode, but I haven't liked a single episode this season. My biggest problem was this being another one of those episodes where characters who show that they are good at something are suddenly incompetent at that one thing, Dashie flying being the example here. The revival of her old nickname, and the pointless exposition around it since most who have watched the show should know it, didn't help at all for this considering it came from the aforementioned trope. Though I will admit, Pinkie calling her Rainbow Trash gave me a bit of hope for my favorite pony.
I also didn't like how stupid Dash was throughout the episode. The thundercloud, the impersonating her friends, and just the way she acted was just, for lack of a better word, stupid. Lastly, the ending was painfully predictable. Halfway through the episode, the group I was watching it with called the ending and we sure were disappointed. We'd hoped we would be wrong.
The episode wasn't memorable in the slightest and I'd have to rewatch it to go on, but that is what I have on first thought.
>>27298266
>>27298886
Alright, I guess I could post it here. I just want complete honesty and feedback if anyone wants to talk about this, because I want to improve the general quality of this and future stories.
Any criticism is definitely welcome.
>>27302350
>You're Anonymous
>And it's been a year since the day it happened
>The day everything you stood for was stomped out like a burning cigar
>You remember it as clear as yesterday
>When the droids in your cruiser suddenly collapsed to the floor, the organic residents of the ship had no idea what to do
>There were riots and violence throughout the ship, causing mass panic
>The higher ups had to lock themselves away to keep from the disarray
>Shortly into the chaos, one of the neimoidians in the bridge discovered what had happened
>The Confederacy was betrayed by the Sith, who murdered the council on the planet of Mustafar
>The one who did it wasn't found out, but you all knew that he was the one who shut down the droids
>Those bastards
>Why?
>All that came out of it was the restructuring of the republic into an Empire, and the destruction of the jedi
>Was that all they wanted the Confederacy for?
>The old man played you all like fools
>Shortly after the crew came across the confidential information, your scanners began to pick up something
>A decently sized fleet was heading your way
>They were hunting down the rest of the separatists
>You managed to get away in one of the shuttles in the hangar bay before they arrived
>As you were making your escape, you could see them jumping out of lightspeed
>Bombers destroyed your ship within minutes, and fighters were picking off the surviving escape pods
>Some of the fighters began to pursue your ship, but you already had coordinates locked in
>You jumped to lightspeed, but only after your engines had sustained damage
>The ship was heading to this planet, Equus
>At the time you didn't know much about this place, other than the fact that there was supposedly a separatist factory located here
>>27302359
>Ever since then, you came to learn much about this place
>Their technology is primitive, like living on a primal outer rim world
>They have no such things as blasters, ships, or even communicators!
>The place you landed in, the Everfree Forest, is a part of the land of Equestria
>A nation of equine creatures called ponies
>Initially, you decided to refrain from telling them about your past life
>You just wanted to get to that old foundry, if it existed
>That recently changed, though, when you told your friend, and
>What would you call her, your roommate, castlemate?
>You told your close friend Twilight about the CIS, and what you believed in before your arrival
>Given how smart she is for one of these ponies, you figured she would be able to help you with your agenda
>You didn't expect her to react like she has
>She's tossed your claims off like some sort of fairy tale
>Whatever you tell her, she simply won't listen
>You've got an idea, though
>You've just gotten out of bed about ten minutes ago, and you're going to the library
>In your spare time you've managed to reconstruct one of the typewriters you found around the castle
>You've used it to write a small book on the 'Possibilities of Technology Outside of Equus'
>Just to be sure you made it seem as though it was written by a certain pony she admires
>With Starswirl the Bearded as the author, she'll have to believe that it's real
>Twilight said that she was going to be working on a new report on friendship or something
>You're going to slip this in her pile of books, and hopefully she reads it
>Passing by her bedroom, you stop
>You should make sure she isn't still sleeping
>You start to move the door slowly, poking your head through
>"Ugh.. R-rarit-ty..."
>>27302369
>Yeah, fuck this you're out of here
>You gently close the door, trying not to disturb the horny beast
>When it finally shuts, you continue your walk to the castle library
>You turn down a corner, and see it
>The door to the library is at the end of the hallway
>You go inside, but stick to the wall
>You see Twilight, gathering books from a shelf
>She's carrying all of her books in her open saddlebags
>Fuck
>This is going to be hard
>You move behind a big potted bush, and hide
>Watching Twilight, you see that she seems to be having trouble finding the book she's looking for
>"No, no, this one won't do, no..."
>Her saddlebags break, the books fall out of them
>"Ugh, you've got to be kidding me! Oh well, Rarity could probably fix them."
>Twilight turns around to put back the books she was carrying
>Now is your chance
>You throw your book, hoping to have them land in the mess that was made
>THUMP
>"AHH!"
>You nailed Twilight in the back of the fucking head, knocking her to the floor
>God
>Damnit
>Twilight stands up, rubbing the back of her head
>"In Celestia's name, if I find whoever did that, I'm going t-"
>She stops mid sentence, looking towards something on the ground
>"What's this? I don't remember picking up this book."
>She grabs your book
>"'Possibilities of Technology Outside of Equus'? Who wrote this?"
>She flips to the spine of the book
>"Starswirl the Bearded? He'd never write something so... unfaithful!"
>Twilight sighs
>"Anonymous, get out here, now. I'm not playing games today."
>How did she know?
>Maybe she doesn't
>Maybe she thinks it's real
>You aren't moving one foot
>"Anon? Hello?"
>Twilight looks around the room for a moment, before opening the book
>She flips through the pages, moving her eyes back and forth
>Twilight grunts, then throws the book towards you
>"Anon! The joke's over. Where are you?!"
>>27302373
>She begins to move various objects around the room
>Her magic is getting closer to you
>shitshitshitshitshitshitshit
>The bush of confederate might is cast aside, leaving you exposed to an angry alicorn heathen
>He shall recieve a medal for his courage
>Twilight grabs you and your book in her magic
>"AHA! I knew I'd find you! What is the meaning of this nonsense!"
>She pracically makes you kiss the book when she shoves it in your face
"I-I just wanted you to read it! I thought that maybe if you saw that it was written by Starswirl, you'd give it a tr-"
>"What part of getting me to read a book involves throwing it at me?"
>Damnit
>If you ever do get back off of this planet, you better not ever lay your hands on a thermal detonator
"That was a mistake, Twilight! Give it a try, I promise you that you'll understand what I've been trying to tell you!"
>She rolls her eyes
>"No, Anon, I've read enough. This book is garbage, and needs to be treated as such."
>Her horn lights up, and the book is engulfed in flames
"Hey! I spent the last month writing that!"
>"It's not like that matters anymore, Anonymous. I've given you lectures about the superiority of magic, and how technology like you speak of simply cannot exist, yet you still don't listen!"
>It's been like this for weeks
>You two have been at each others throats over this topic
>"Anon, I don't know what's gotten you into this, but you need help. Everything I've done for you has all been a wasted effort. I'm going to contact a therapist. Maybe that's what we need to fix this."
>A therapist?
>She thinks you're a fucking psycho?
"I'm sorry, what? You can't be serious, Twilight."
>"But I am! As soon as we're done talking here, I'm going to get right on it!"
>That's it
>You're done
>>27302378
"Nope. I'm done. I'm sick of this, Twilight. Every time I try to talk to you about this, you go fucking bonkers! I just want to have a civil discussion with you! If you don't believe me, I might as well go out into the world, and prove it to you myself!"
>She looks taken back at this
>Her mouth agape, and eyes wide, she sits there, looking at you for a moment
>"No, Anon. It's not happening. Now, let's get t-"
>You could barely reach it, but you managed to pick up another book
>Anonymous, I swear if you don't sto-"
>BONK
>"Agh!"
>Twilight stumbles, and loses her grip
>You're out of the room before she can do anything
>"ANONYMOUS!"
>As you exit the castle, you hear a booming voice from behind you
>It's Twilight on her balcony
>"You know what Anonymous?! Fine! Leave! I don't want to see you anywhere near my kingdom unless you arrive in one of those 'ships' you've told me about! When you decide to change your mind, I'll be here, waiting for you to grovel at my hooves for my forgiveness!"
>The castle gates slam shut, and Twilight heads back inside
>Well, this is it
>You've just been banished by the princess of friendship herself
>>27302380
This is where the format and style starts to change, and where I need the most pointers. If any of you could help with this I'd appreciate it greatly.
>Twilight was right about one thing, though
>You'll need help
>If you were going to let anyone in on your plans it'd have to be someone you trust
>An old friend, whom you met sometime after you first arrived
>But before that happens, you'll need to eat
>Getting your ass kicked out of the castle before breakfast may have not been the smartest idea
>Come to think of it, all of your bits are in that castle
>damnit.jpg
>You're not unfamiliar with exploiting peop- er.. ponies habits
>Maybe Rarity would lend you some bits for a meal and a train ticket...
>You'd be sure to pay her back though
>Probably
>You start to walk in the direction of the Carousel Boutique
>Coming upon the entrance of the boutique, you head inside
>The bell rings as you enter
>”Come in! I’m in my workroom, if you need me!”
>Well, you know where you’re going
>Upon your entrance into the room, you can see things are a total mess
>Cloth everywhere
>A wastebin overflowing with what looks like drawings, or sketches
>You see Rarity, working on some dress of sorts
>Her hair is messy, strands of it sticking out in some parts
>She’s wearing those ridiculously big glasses
“Umm.. hello?”
>Rarity quickly turns around, dropping what she’s doing
>”Anonymous? Darling, what a pleasant surprise to see you! It’s been months! I assume you’re here for something important?”
>>27302387
>Months?
>It’s been that long?
“Months? I was just in here a couple weeks ago, Rarity.”
>”Are you sur- oh, excuse me, Anon. I’ve spent so much time on this dress recently, that I seemed to have lost track of time! I’m not sure where ‘months’ came from, though. Maybe I just need a break.”
>She stops for a moment
>”You see, I’m working on a dress for some rich entrepreneur, and the way she’s commissioned it, it’s taking up all of my rubies!”
>”Enough about me, though. What’s brought you here, Anonymous?”
“Well, long story short, Twilight and I got into an argument about the technology I’ve worked with before I came here. She didn’t believe what my people have accomplished, and after taking her yammering for long enough, I left. Now, I’ve got nowhere to stay, and I need to figure out how I’m going to get my next meal.”
>Rarity looks at you for a moment, before realizing something
>"Wait, what? You're kidding, yes? Twilight isn't somepony I know that would do such a thing."
"Believe me, you'd know if I was lying, Rarity. If I can just figure out how I could get to Canterlot, maybe I could figure something out.”
>”Why that’s absolutely awful! How could she do something like that?”
>You think it’s working
>She stops again
>”I’ll tell you what, Anon. I’ll give you one hundred and fifty bits for a meal and a train ticket. In return, I want you to take these seventy five extra bits with you to Canterlot, and purchase a crate of rubies. Do that, and I’ll consider us even. Deal?”
>Perfect
“Deal, Rarity.”
>She hands you a sack of bits
>”Now, I’ve still got some things I need to do with this dress, and you’ve got a meal to eat, and a train to catch.”
“I’ll see you later, Rarity!”
>”I hope for the same, Anon. Just don’t forget the rubies!”
>And with that, you exit the boutique.
>>27302387
I'll post this for now, and wait for anything you all have to say. Thanks again for anything you say.
>>27302369
>>27302359
Damnit, I'm looking this over, and it seems I forgot a part between these two. It's in the pastebin. http://pastebin.com/i5yNCzPK
>>27299971
I like it. Any more?
>>27302244
>My biggest problem was this being another one of those episodes where characters who show that they are good at something are suddenly incompetent at that one thing
I'd disagree here. She wasn't a bad flier. She had to learn an entire routine in two days. It doesn't matter how good you are, that's tough unless you do it on a regular basis. Also, all of Rainbow's mishaps weren't because she was bad and couldn't keep up; they were because she wouldn't follow the rules, and did stupid stuff. If she had just paid attention, did what was asked of her, then she would have performed just fine.
>The thundercloud, the impersonating her friends, and just the way she acted was just, for lack of a better word, stupid
Yeah, I thought it was silly and cringe-inducing to watch her impersonate her friends. I think they could have found another way to have Rainbow try to make another impression on the wonderbolts.
>Lastly, the ending was painfully predictable. Halfway through the episode, the group I was watching it with called the ending and we sure were disappointed
I would ask at what point exactly. If you just called it out of nowhere, then yeah, that's a bit of a disappointment. If you called it at the same point I did - the part where Spitfire calls Soarin' "Clipper" - then I would argue that was the point: that any slightly observant people would be able to infer that "Clipper" was a nickname given to him after he messed up somehow early on in his career.
>>27302399
anon won't forget the rubies
page 10
>>27302399
>You're Anonymous
>And you are on your way to see your old friend, Trixie.
>When you first met, you could say she was just as bad as Twilight, on the whole magic matter.
>Ever since you've helped her get back on her fee- hooves, and move into an apartment in Canterlot though, you were able to convince her that the wonders of your past life were in fact, true.
>Besides, she'd probably be amused with your fiasco with purple magic
>Trixie aside, you decide to start thinking of what you'll do once you get situated
>Obviously you'd head back to the old shipwreck in the Everfree, but after that?
>Maybe some of that old tech is still usable. Getting at least some of the systems back online could make a big difference
>If you could get one of the scanners back online, you could possibly find the location of that old factory
>Hell, if that happens, you could practically start a war with Equestria if you wanted to
>Not to get rash, though. That would only be a last resort
>Before you could think of something else, the train screeches to a halt
>The familiar scent of bakeries and the sound of busy streets fills your nose and ears
>Time to find that horse
>>27306063
>As you step out of the train car you realize that the city is bigger than you remembered
>Much bigger
>Is that a new park?
>Anyway, the last time you saw Trixie, she moved into a home here in Canterlot
>After you helped her scrounge enough bits to get her out of the forest, that is
>The same forest you crashed in
>Back to the point, you hope that Trixie hasn't wasted the opportunity you gave her
>If she didn't get a job to make bits for rent, that would mean she'd be homeless again
>And you didn't come to Canterlot just to get Rarity those gems
>If you can recall, she moved into the two-story on Starswirl Lane
>As you make your way through the city streets, you come upon a sign, with arrows pointing in the direction of certain areas of the city
>The arrow that catches your eye is the one pointing to Starswirl Lane
>You begin walking in that direction
>You observe the surrounding area, taking note of the nearby shops
>You see a variety of bakeries, restaurants and generic market stalls
>One in particular is what looks to be a trading center called 'The Grand Exchange'
>Taking a peek you see a vast array of things being traded by busy ponies, whilst others are behind a counter
>You might want to take a look later
>But now's not the time
>>27306076
>Heading further down the road you come upon a fork in the road
>One side heading deeper into the city, the other being the street you're looking for
>You head down Starswirl Lane, keeping an eye out for the house
>Aha! There it is
>As you approach the house you begin to wonder
>Will Trixie even want to be a part of this? Admittedly you won't tell her the entirety of your plans up front, but you'll still let her in on the situation with book horse
>Reaching the doorstep, you knock on the door
>She better be here or the trip to Canterlot would have been a waste
>Well, not completely. You still have those rubies to nab for Rarity
More later, about to get on the new Cedar Point roller coaster.
Yes, I'm posting green at Cedar Point. Bite me.
bap
Sorry if I interrupt yall, but I remember a green or a screencap or maybe even a fanfic about Pony Applejack calling EqG Applejack parents, who are still alive in their universe. It was super sad and heartwarming, and Im wondering if any of yall had any ideas about this story. Thanks a lot
>>27306998
I don't recall it. Sorry.
>>27306098
>After what seems to be an eternity, the door springs open
>"Who knocks upon the door of the residence of The Great and Powerful Tri- Anonymous?"
"Hello, Trixie! I'm sorry I've taken this long to visit you since you moved in..
>"It's been months Anon! Either way, Tr- er.. I'm glad to see you again!"
>"Why don't you come inside? We can talk over lunch."
>Stepping inside of the house you are instantly greeted by a horrid smell
>Did something die in here?
>Taking a look around the place you can tell why
>Trash littered around the garbage bin
>An old, dirty mattress on the floor in the living room
>Has she been living like this the whole time she's been here?
>"You picked a great time to show up Anon, I've just finished preparing lunch. How does fried pinecones sound?
>Looking over in Trixie's direction you can see her taking fucking pinecones out of her fryer
>Pinecones
>Damn, ex-hobo pony is crazy
"I-I'm fine, Trixie. I ate right before I took the train to Canterlot."
>"Oh well, suit yourself! Take a seat over here Anon."
>She guides you to her dining table
>You can literally see what looks like the hardened remains of a spilled drink
>>27309070
>Should you tell her?
>Now may not be the best time, unless you want another pony to kick you out of their home that is
>You and Trixie take your seats
>"So, how has it been since you left for Ponyville Anon?"
>She takes a.. bite out of one of her pinecones
>How can she eat that shit
"Yeah.. about that.. It's been fine for the most part, but there's a problem I've had to face recently, which is reason as to why I've come to you today Trixie."
>"Really? What's happened Anon?"
"Ever since I moved in with Twilight, she's always been boasting about magic and how it's how this world is powered by it. Once I told her about the CIS and our accomplishments before I came here, she didn't believe me. Because of this, a heated argument started which ended with me leaving Ponyville, and coming to you for help."
>Trixie finishes her pinecone
>"I'm sorry, what? The last time I met Twilight she seemed like the respectful type. For her to act like that, especially to you, Anon, makes me want t-SQUELCH"
>She fucking burped
>"Uh.. Excuse me?"
>She picks up her second pinecone, and starts going to town
>Fucking horses
"Anyway... the reason I came here is because I was wondering if I could stay here for a few nights until I can head out again."
>She swallows her food
>"Where will you go?"
>>27309088
"That's the second reason I'm here. You know the Everfree like the back of your palm, right?"
>"Why yes, I so Anon. While I regret spending so much of my time there, I am familiar with the area. Are you sayi-"
"That I want you to tag along with me? Maybe I do, Trixie. What do you say?"
>"Why do you want to go to the Everfree in the first place? Why not just stay here with me?"
>You take another look around the room
>Something about the size of a small dog scampers into the other room
>You wonder if you'll survive even a couple days
"To be honest, Trixie, do you want to know how I actually came here?"
>"What do you mean?"
"I'll explain later. Just know that it has something to do with the technology I told you about all those months ago."
>"Wait.. are you saying that-"
"Yes, I'm saying that I wasn't summoned because Twilight beat the shit out of a giant goat on steriods
>"That doesn't answer my question Anon, what are you wanting in the Everfree?"
>Well.. you thought you could have avoided this for now
>No point in hiding the inevitable
>>27309108
"Well.. if you're going to be persistent, I guess I'll tell you. In the forest, there is a crater. And in that crater lies a lot of things.. useful to me. I want to take advantage of those items, and possibly make a new place to call home. I AM homeless after all."
>"Then why would you want me to come with you?"
>She may be Great and Powerful but she just doesn't get it does she
>Now might be the time to lay down the hammer about this place
"Trixie, I'm going to ask you a question. Be honest here. Do you actually like living here? With all of this garbage everywhere?"
>She begins to tear up
>startpacking.jpg
>"I-it's just been so hard Anon! I've never lived a life in the city like this, and ever since you left things have been falling apart! This place is a wreck, I can never keep a job, and I'm about to be evicted! I-I just wish I could fix things, Anon, but nothing I do seems to work!"
>She knocks her plate of ravaged pinecones and her glass of whothefucknowswhat to the floor and curls up
>Well shit, good job Anon
>You just made one of you closest friends curl up and cry
>Not to mention the poor pinecones
>You need to do something
>You get up out of your seat, and walk over to Trixie
>You begin to console the poor thing
"Shhh, It'll be alright Trixie. If you come with me to the Everfree you won't have to worry about all of that stress again. Trust me on this."
>She begins to calm down after hearing that
>"Y-you mean it? Oh, Anon, if you aren't lying you just made me happier than I've been in a long while, of course I'll go with you! Just let me get some of my personal belongings."
"Well, we aren't leaving yet. We should be fine here for a few days, yes?"
>"I suppose we could stay for a few days; although, the house is a wreck. Are you sure you can handle it?"
"I never said we couldn't clean the place, Trixie. We can get this cleaned up before sunset tonight."
>>27309116
>You are Twilight Sparkle
>It's three in the morning
>You're in your castle, pacing the throne room back and forth
>And you aren't doing so well
>You've been looking everywhere for Anon
>You've felt terrible ever since you let him go
>Why didn't you stop him?
>The only thing you know is that he's in Canterlot
>You have Rarity to thank for that
>While you still don't agree with his beliefs, you're worried
>He's probably sleeping on the streets for Celestia's sake!
>Wait
>You suddenly stop your pacing
>Celestia
>She could help you out with this
"SPIIIIIKE!"
>The dragon jumps out of his bed, scrambling into the room
>He has a rolling pin
>"Twilight! What's wrong? I heard you call my name!"
>He scans the room for what you assume are intruders
"Hehe, nothing's wrong Spike! I just needed your help."
>He slowly lowers the pin while continuing to monitor the room
>"What did you need help with that was worth dragging me out of bed for, Twilight?"
>>27309181
"Spike, I need you to prepare a letter to the Princess! It is of utmost urgency, I assure you!"
>"Does it have anything to do with Anon?"
"Maybe?"
>He starts to leave the room
"What are you doing Spike?"
>"Going back to sleep, Twilight."
"Why? I need you for this letter. What am I supposed to do, ship this through the mail?"
>He stops, and turns around
>"Because, you've always been rude to that guy, Twi."
>"Every time he talked about his life before you summoned him, you always got uppity because it didn't involve magic."
>What? Sure, you didn't always agree with him, but did you push it a little too far?
>No. Of course not.
"But of course, Spike! All of that nonsense makes absolutely no sense! How are you supposed to have long distance conversations without letters?"
>"As Anon said... from what I can remember he said that the-"
>You're not liking his tone.. he should know better than this!
"Bah, enough of this, now help me out with this letter. After that, you can go to sleep, and I promise not to bother you anymore tonight!"
>He stops to think a moment
>"Fine. But I still think you're wrong here, Twilight."
>Finally
>Enough of all that
"Okay. Take note, Spike. Dear Princess Celestia..."
>>27309193
>"Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle."
>You're Celestia
>And you've just been awoken from your slumber
>Twilight has sent you a letter about a problematic Anonymous. He has apparently left her care at the castle. From what was described in the letter, he apparently left because Twilight refused to believe his fabrications of a world without magic. You share her opinion, and believe that Anonymous shouldn't be doing whatever it is he plans to.
>What's really got you upset is that Anonymous was involved in an incident in the city center just hours before this letter was sent.
>He, and a mare that he was with, were supposedly assaulted by four local stallions. From what information was gathered, they were browsing at a trading center, 'The Grand Exchange'. When they outbid another pony on a crate of some gems, the pony and his friends started to harass them, which turned to outright attacking them.
>You don't believe that one bit
>Anonymous obviously started the conflict
>Such is the way of his kind, you assume, from the actions he's taken thus far
>So logically, you had him, and the mare he was with, one named 'Trixie Lulamoon', arrested
>You were going to wait until morning to see the prisoners, but with the arrival of Twilight's letter, you feel you should do so now
>You head into your bathroom to freshen up
>>27309213
That's it for now. Thoughts?
http://pastebin.com/0Qpzxxrm
Alright, I promised this over a week ago. I'm not going to say much about it, other than I did try to take some risks with this one. I hope it's not complete shit.
>>27302359
Your intro needs a rewrite. A good introduction would set up the tone, character and setting with a killer first sentence that hooks the reader. Instead, you've chosen to focus solely on setting up the situation with tons of exposition and some words that even a casual Star Wars fan wouldn't immediately get. What is a neimoidian? What is the CIS? I know Darth Vader. But I have to think before I realize who Dooku is. At least assume that the reader won't immediately know everything about Star Wars.
It's also peppered with inner thoughts of your MC (main character) that use generic movie lines and cliches like "those bastards" and "played you all like fools." A fleshed out MC would avoid using those and think something more specific that reflects their personality while moving the plot forward.
Personally, it would be better to put that stuff later down in the story and have anon's character reflect his backstory. It adds some suspense of "why does Anon act this way?" and gives readers something to look forward to. That's my take on it though, there are many ways to prevent an infodump.
>>27302369
You can't just handwave the fact that the MC crashed his ship but the ponies can't find it. It's a huge plot hole that has to be resolved. I'll be referring to it later, because it weakens your initial conflict.
The MC spends his time in pony land mostly making snide remarks in his mind. Just like every other generic AiE story. Yet earlier in the introduction, anon was put in a high stakes situation where millions of people are depending on him. Readers could take this as a bait and switch and choose to drop the story immediately if they haven't already.
>>27302378
Also, Twilight acts like a weak antagonist because she doesn't believe in non-magical technology, despite the fact that anon could have taken any item from the ship and ran a demonstration. Also, Twilight wouldn't have burned the book. She would have returned it. I know that in the first season, Twilight had a hard time believing Pinkie's magic could even exist, but she got over that. And she forgot that lesson when Anon comes? You have to sell this change in Twilight's perspective. You have to sell us how this relationship soured. She's immediately in passive aggressive cynic mode with nobody's word but the authors to back it up. Even the other characters don't believe it later on. This is not a good sign.
And you should avoid using .jpg meme jokes like in >>27302387 . It's been used a million times and it kills the reader's immersion. People did that in early AiE because they were just shitposting before people actually put effort in their stories. If you came here to expect critique, then please realize that memes and references aren't a substitute for actual humor.
>>27306076
By this point, all we get from anon is that he knows Trixie and he has to find a factory, which was already mentioned. A writer should care about his story, his characters and how he presents them. You should spend less time TELLING us stuff and more time SHOWING us through character actions and reactions. This gets to be a problem though when Anon has only the basic AiE personality going for him.
Simply put, I need feels anon. Not big ones. But the little ones that we feel everyday.
>>27310925
This will go on a tangent about something that irks me about AiE, but I might as well speak my mind: I can't relate with the snarky cool guy hacker Anon because it seems like an author standin. I know that it's supposed to be the reader (which is just lazy IMHO). I know it's tradition. But it's insulting to assume that I can't get feels unless someone is like me. I can relate to likeable assholes, jocks, wage slaves and other types that are nothing like me.
Because of this, you have an Anon narrator that states everything right on the nose, like he's reading from a checklist. as he looks around Canterlot This magical, wonderous city, this character of its own is diminished and becomes mundane. A lack of any sort of personality drags down the whole story.
>>27306098
>Yes, I'm posting green at Cedar Point. Bite me.
Was that part of your post really necessary? This place is not a blog. You should stop posting on mobile and find a place to focus on your writing.
>>27309070
Once again, memes aren't a subsitute for a joke. Don't do this. Especially when your MC points it out and does all but tell us to laugh.
>>27309088
Even though you're writing a lot of words, very few of them do more than just stating a situation, moving a character from one plot piece to the next, or making Anon into a snark machine that contradicts the tone of your flashback prologue.
You can multitask with those words and establish some clever wordplay, deepen a character or their relationship with others, or move the plot all at the same time. Metaphors and similies are one way of spicing up your language, so long as it isn't generic like "stomped out like a burning cigar."
>>27309116
>although, the house is a wreck
Didn't anon not want to mention such a thing?
>>27309181
>You are Twilight Sparkle
Once again, I know this is tradition, but it is a lazy way to change the reader's point of view. You can do better.
>How are you supposed to have long distance conversations without letters
Twilight must have read a few science fiction books in her life. I doubt that she'd be able to dismiss anon solely because of some weak conflict.
In summary, you should do a rewrite. Google on how to write a good personality and give Anon one. Focus on doing more than just moving the story forward. Find a place to sit down and write. Read the OP's links as well before writing because it's a wise investment of your time. And lastly, make me FEEL something as a reader without going overboard and becoming all dramatic and Shakespearean.
>>27310944
And if you want more tips:
http://thewritelife.com/the-worst-ways-to-begin-your-novel-advice-from-literary-agents/
http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/greenway1.shtml
bemp
boop
>>27311026
>>27310944
>>27310932
>>27310925
>>27310910
Thank you so much, I hardly ever get feedback on this story. I'll keep dumping my story for more, but I'll also be going back and fixing/changing things.
biggity bump
>>27311026
These are actually really interesting and helpful
>>27303517
My friend called it out randomly. I called it the moment they called her Rainbow Crash and she got upset.
Does anyone have a reference for pone holding/firing a weapon?
>>27314031
lots of FOE art and descriptions.
>>27314044
Pretty much the first thing that came to my mind
bemp
Is there a dictionary that also organizes its words by their level of usage in regular English? I want to expand my vocabulary, but I don't want to sift all day for words that would be more relevant.
How does one even fix their grammar
Especially if they AREN'T native english speaker.
Cause that's what i get complained about i don't have people saying my charachters are wrong with personality
Or that the storyline is bad,only big complaint is "punctation and grammar" literally how do i into that
If you want example of story i can supply that.
>>27314843
Off the top of my head I would suggest using Microsoft word which can take care of most errors, but what you want to do get a second pair of eyes that are willing to point out these grammar errors and explain why they're errors and learn from that. And if you're not sure about something, go to him to get his input. Alterrnatively, you can go to various sources online to learn more about english
>>27313396
If you don't mind a bit more advice.
Maybe posting a quick oultine (keep it short) before starting would be best for us so we know you're on the right path before you doing a ton of work fleshing it out only to find that it doesn't work in a narrative sense.
I know that littleguy thinks that any idea can work. But some ideas need more work than others and aren't good for those who don't have a good grasp of the fundamentals (like me, I'm not the best writer by a long shot)
Also, you might want to integrate the universes more now that I think about it. The problem that you have is you go from 100% Star Wars to 100% My Little Pony. Own the fact that it's a crossover. Don't be afraid to use elements from both. In fact, when you outline the basic plot, find themes that both universes have in common and weave those throughout the story.
As an example of how you can integrate both universes, the fleet that destroyed Anon's ship could have hired a batch of mercenaries to various nearby planets. One of them could end up at Equus. Conflict is the heart of your story both character wise and plot wise and having a Star Wars mercenary on your tail is definitely stronger than having Twilight boot Anon out.
You don't have to use that example though. Brainstorm some other ones before starting. The show writers aren't afraid to kill several good ideas before picking the one that would suit their needs.
>>27315600
If you take a look on the newer stuff in my pastebin, I've got an upcoming conflict.
There's major spoilers for my story ahead. This isn't necessarily final, but an idea of what I want to do. There'll be a gap between the two events discussed in the spoiler, but I won't get into thatLong story short, Luna finds a way to contact Anon after Discord manages to get a hold of Celestia. When he finds out what Discord is planning to do, he sets free the sisters, and confronts him w/ some troops. Only problem is that like what was hinted a little earlier than that point, Discord sees this coming, and has taken control of some of Anon'so droids. There's a big fight, somebody dies, and Anon gets to make it up with Celestia. Later near the end of the story, the Empire is going to come and find Equis, and Anon will have to deal with that one way or another. I might introduce a romance in the story, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to do so that we'll. Again, none of this is exactly final.
>>27315707
Ignore typos, mobile a shot and can't get to my pc.
>>27309946
I tried tackling this. I feel like there's something there, but Anon is just so repulsive in the beginning that I can't bring myself to find it.
The story itself may not be so bad. It just pains me to read Anon's parts.
>>27315798
Funny thing: it's not Anon
>>27315835
Well neither the second person storytelling or the context make that obvious.
Regardless, the character is unlikeable to the point that I can't even make it through the beginning of the story. Whether it's anon or not has nothing to do with that.
>>27316064
Just curious, how far did you make it? It doesn't bother me that you don't like the character, but I figured by a certain point it would be easy to infer who it is
>>27316090
Line 151. Puzzled from start to stop.
>>27316131
Well dang. I'd hoped it would have been clear. If you're curious, it'sSunset
>>27316192
Well, that explains where I got the strong impression of "bratty teenager" within the first several paragraphs. I just didn't know what I was getting into. Certainly didn't know it was EqG.
>>27316295
Not gonna fault you for it. That's the nature of risk-taking. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
>>27283998
>one off
>>27252583
Try at least hinting an apostrophe in the opening picture.
bamp
Bumping more of my story to keep thread from getting stale. None of this has been rewritten yet, so you'll still see meme text where it shouldn't be, and some of the earlier complaints as well.
>You're Anonymous
>And you've just woken up in a prison cell
>You're arms are restrained in shackles, which are connected to a wall by chains
>What happened?
>You remember that you got into a fight with some jackass and his fuckboys after you outbid them on that crate of rubies you needed for Rarity
>It's not like it's your fault, they were the aggressors
>Observing the dimly lit cell, you can see they've also taken Trixie. She seems to be asleep at the moment
>Is she drooling?
>Besides that, there is no sign that your assailants were also detained
>Not to mention the rubies
>Rarity's going to be pissed when you get out of this cell
>If you'll get out of this cell
>What you don't understand is why the hell were you arrested, but your attackers weren't?
>There has to be something going on here
>You can see a window through the door bars
>It's the middle of the night
>No sense in trying anything until morning, when more guards are patrolling the prison
>You decide to fall asleep, and let the night take you
>>27320787
>Or so you thought
>You hear hoofsteps from down the corridor
>Probably just a guardspony
>The pace of these steps quickens, you change your mind
>An intruder? Your rescue?
>You get your answer when a certain princess stops at your cell
"P-Princess Luna?! Oh, I'm in for it now, aren't I.."
>She used to be pretty cool with you, when you were in Canterlot
>Maybe things have changed
>Shit, well, at least you know it's serious
>"Anonymous, what are you doing in here?"
"I-I'm not too sure myself Princess. You don't know?"
>"Not necessarily, Anonymous. I don't have too much time to explain, my sister is on her way at this moment. We must hurry."
>She wastes not one second as she uses her magic to undo the lock
>You are stunned
>Why was she helping you?
>As she enters the cell, she notices Trixie
>"This was the pony that was with you, yes? A 'Trixie Lulamoon'?
>How did she know?
>Probably princess magic or some shit
"Y-yes, princess, she was there with me."
>"Very well. I guess she can come along with us, then."
>She then undoes your shackles and proceeds to teleport you three out of the cell
>Her timing is amazing, because at that moment you could barely hear what sounded like a multitude of ponies heading your way
>>27320936
>You land a- wait.. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
>You just appeared at the fucking crash site
>In the middle of the damn forest
>She knows, doesn't she
>Best to be as subtle as possible
>"Anonymous. Before I came down to the dungeon to get you, I overheard my sister talking to one of her higher officers."
>"She received a letter from her student, Twilight. In it she gave details of your storming from Ponyville."
>That little-
>"While I may have just found out about that, don't think I didn't know about this the whole time you were here."
>She pats the ship with her hoof
"Y-you knew? How? I figured I played it off as some summoning gone wrong!"
>"Yes, you did. Everypony still believes that. Even the one you plan to prove wrong."
>Even if she knows, at least no one else did
>Unless she was lying
>"However, when you came hurling from the sky, I was observing my beautiful night. I happened to notice a shooting star, and continued to watch it. As you began to descend I noticed that it wasn't a shooting star, but what I thought was a meteor."
"When you hit in the Everfree I was excited to investigate. I came to this spot and found not a meteor, but this.. thing. With you inside of it. I didn't know what to think of it all at first, but when I saw you lying there, I knew I had to do something."
>Even though she knows about the ship, at least she doesn't know what any of this is
>Perhaps you could convince her to come with you and Trixie
>"I mended your wounds with my magic before taking you back to Canterlot. After you were stabilized in the royal infirmary, I informed my sister of your arrival. You awoke two days later."
>So that's how you got into that hospital
>"Anonymous, I have just one question for you. What is all of this? I know it has something to do with that technology you talked about, but what it is exactly?"
>>27320948
>You take a look around
"As much as I'd like to talk right now, we're going to need to set up shelter. And soon."
>"You're right."
"I'll work on making a fi-"
>"I've got this, Anonymous. Stand back."
>With a glow from her horn, Luna levitates some of the nearby logs and stick towards the area
>She drops them, and shoots a beam of dark light at them, igniting them with a blue flame
"Wow... we still need a shelter, though."
>Luna points towards the ship
"Of course! How come I didn't think of this before? I'm going to lay Trixie down, and come back out here to help you."
>You enter the ship, taking the still unconscious Trixie with you.
>Observing the inside, you can see soot, and vines that have overgrown from the outside all over the place
>The old droids are still here
>Considering that they were made before all of the existing droid army was shut down, they're computers are most likely fried
>You count two magnaguards, two droidekas, and five B1 battle droids
>You clear an area in the troop compartment for Trixie, and place her down.
>Damnit, this was going to be hard to explain.
>What would Luna say if you told her you crashed here after losing a war with the largest superpower in the Galaxy?
>Now is not the time to think about that
>Or maybe it is
>You have absolutely no clue at this point
>You hear Luna gasp outside
>"Anonymous! We have unwanted guests!"
>You bolt for the door
>When you get outside you count twelve timberwolves along the edge of the clearing
>Twelve
>You notice that they're approaching Luna, slowly
Couldn't find the best pic, but it's something.
>>27320974
>Before they can do anything, you yell
"Luna! Inside NOW!
>She stands there, ignoring you
"Luna!"
>"Stand back, Anonymous!"
>Before you can react, she acts
>She shoots a beam of magic towards the wolves, eliminating three of them
>Some of the others dart away, but most stay
>"Hmph!"
>Luna looks towards the trees
>Using her magic, she knocks one of them down upon the timberwolves
>All but one are destroyed by the blast
>The last timberwolf snaps its jaws and growls, before running away like the others
>Luna turns around with a smug face
>"Scared, Anonymous? Don't forget who you're roaming with! I might be a princess, but that doesn't mean I have to always act like one!"
>She pulls you in for a hug
>A long hug
>This is getting awkward
>You begin to break the hug
>Luna notices this, and does the same
>"I-I'm sorry, Anonymous. Being stuck on a moon for a thousand years tends to make you appreciate your friends. Even if you're somewhat unacquainted. I shouldn't have let that get to me."
>She's blushing
>HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG
"It's alright, princess. Now that we'v- you've, dealt with the threat, let's head inside the ship."
>She perks up
>"Agreed, Anonymous. Let us go."
>The two of you head inside of the ship to be greeted by an awake Trixie
>An angry Trixie
>>27320980
>Is now the time?
>Luna is the first to speak
>"So, Anon. Since the timberwolves are gone, and we can finally sit down comfortably, will you care to explain that?"
>She points a hoof towards the door
>Well, time to man up to it
>You need to think of something, and fast
"I.. uhhh..... you see.."
>You're very bad at this
"T-the door.."
>Fuck it
>If Luna has stayed with you for this long, surely she could be trusted.
>You start to explain to them how it works and how you pressed a button to make it close
>Afterwards you begin to retell your story of the Confederacy, leaving out the bits about the war, and how you lost because some guy killed your leaders and shut down your troops
>You did end up telling Trixie about what happened with the prison, and how Luna got you out
>Throughout your story you get mixed looks from both of the ponies, mostly faces of interest and curiosity
>It takes you an hour to finish explaining everything
"And that is basically it. After I realized my ship's engines were fried, I used what I could to get into this system's gravitational pull. It is what pulled me down here."
>Trixie is the first to speak
>"Gravitational pull? What form of magic is that?"
"A gravitational pull, or gravity. isn't magic, Trixie. It's the force of attraction between two masses. The force is proportional to the mass, and inversely proportional to the square of the distance."
>They still look like they have no clue what you're talking about
>"I don't get it Anon. Why don't you explain this so that the Great and Powerful Trixie can understand it?"
>Of course you don't get it, you're just now learning about this shit
>Maybe there's some information they could study in the ship's central computer
>You'd have to make sure to censor anything about the war, and some of the more dishonorable things the Confederacy did
>You didn't necessarily agree with the slaving and exploiting of people, but it's what you had to do
>>27320991
>Luna and Trixie follow
>You flip a switch, and the central computer springs to life
>The ponies behind you have mixed looks on their faces
>You quickly move any information of the war onto an old storage drive that was left in the ship
>Taking it from the computer, it's now free of anything they shouldn't know for now
"You two can look through this if you want to know any more."
>Luna speaks
>"How exciting! I wonder how large this 'Galaxy' is!"
>She sits down next to the computer
>She tries to press the buttons with her hooves, but is met with no success
>"Foul machine! Anonymous! How does one operate this?"
>Face, meet palm
>You forgot about that
>You show Luna and Trixie how to use the computer, which buttons to press
>They were absurdly small for their hooves, so they used their magic to operate it
>Now that that was out of the way, you make your way into the troop compartment
>>27321009
>Walking over to one of the wrecked droids' bodies, you notice something
>It's E-5 blaster rifle is there
>In-tact
>Holy shit
>You just struck gold Anon
"Luna! Trixie! Come here for a moment."
>The two trot over to you
>"You have our attention Anonymous. What do you need?"
"You'll never guess what I found, Luna!
>You show them the blaster
>They look at it in a similar way they did the computer
>"What is it Anonymous?"
>You never told them about blasters
>Well, there's a first for everything
"This is a blaster. Think of it as a unicorn horn you can use in your han- hooves..."
>Trixie gasps
>"You're telling me that I could have the power of any unicorn with this? MINE!"
>Trixie snatches the blaster from your hands
>Using her magic, she starts waving it around like a kid that found his dad's rifle
>It's essentially the same thing
"T-Trixie, put that down! It's dangerous!"
>"No! I can finally show Twilight that I'm the superior magic-wielder!"
>The princess nudges your shoulder
>"Anonymous, shall I?"
"No, princess. I've got this."
>"How do you use this? I am your master, machine! Obey!"
>She finally pulls the trigger
>The weapon fires, and ricochets around the ship
"Get down!"
>Luna does as you say, but Trixie still stands there, laughing
>"Anon, what's wrong? You should be laughing with me!"
>What the hell is she thinking?
>She could have hurt herself!
"Trixie, drop the blaster! You almost killed one of us!"
>"Killed? I merely shot a bolt of magic!"
>Maybe instead of acting she should have listened to you
"Trixie! Watch out, it's Twilight!"
>She gasps
>"Where!? I'm gonna- hey!"
>You take the blaster from her, and turn the safety on
>>27321023
>Luna, who has now sat back up, speaks
>"Trixie! As one of the princesses of Equestria, I command you to calm down! Allow Anonymous to speak!"
>Trixie sighs, and obeys
>"F-fine, but only because I want Anon to finish explaining! Trixie listens to nopony!"
>Luna gives you a wink
>Trixie sits down with a pout
"Now, Trixie, allow me to explain what this actually is!"
>Today is going to be a long day
>Rewind an hour
>You're Celestia, and you are absolutely furious
>When you arrived at Anonymous' cell in the dungeon, there was not a single soul present, and the door and shackles were undone!
>Even worse, when you went to tell your sister of this news, she was nowhere to be found! Nowhere!
>That damn monkey broke out of your dungeon and kidnapped your sister!
>You aren't normally one for exacting revenge, but you were going to make him PAY
>As soon as you find him you're going to take your army and dispose of the mongrel
>You'll have your general, Righteous Force, inform the scouts of their new objective: Find the location of Anonymous
>Before you take anything beyond that, you'll need to wait
>Twilight is on her way, via train
>Once she gets here, you'll be able to discuss your plans in higher detail
>>27321035
>You're Anonymous, once again
>Sometimes you wonder if Droid will ever write in the POV of Trixie or Luna
>That's something that you think will probably never happen
>On a serious note, It's been some time since Luna took care of those timberwolves
>Once they were gone, the three of you went back into the ship for the night
>Granted, it was early morning, you slept until two
>That's what your pocket watch has said, at least
>You seemed to be awake before the other
>Now would be a good time to start some work
>While Luna and Trixie are asleep, you'll start work on securing a perimeter
>You hope the shuttle had something useful in its cargo hold when you left your frigate
>Granted, it wasn't very large, but it could still hold a decent amount of things
>As you exit the ship, you make sure you have your blaster, and that the safety is off
>Don't want to have anything sneaking up behind you while you're undefended
>Reaching the cargo hold, you press the release
>What you find surprises you
>Twenty radar beacons, fully primed and connected to the central computer
>These would be perfect
>Radar beacons alone wouldn't be enough, though
>You'll need to make a form of wall, just enough to keep the wildlife from-
>No wait
>You forgot
>These beacons have a special module inside them that zaps anything that passes between them that aren't in the CIS databanks
>One problem though
>Luna and Trixie aren't in there
>Thank the creator you didn't delete all of that Separatist information from that computer
>With just some minor tinkering you should be able to have Luna and Trixie in the databank
>>27321045
Part 2 of this post
>It's been three hours
>You managed to get your friends into the databank
>You've also set up those beacons
>They'll suffice for now, but later you'll want to have an actual wall behind them
>Trixie woke up just after you began work on the beacons.
>The princess is still asleep
>Is she nocturnal or something?
>You don't know
>You're just glad that now you'll be able to detect any incoming life forms, as well as keep them out. To a degree.
>>27321050
I'll dump more later. If you don't want to wait you can just check out the pastebin for this story and read the rest on your own.
http://pastebin.com/i5yNCzPK
>>27321059
good posting
bemp
>>27323641
bamp
bemp
>>27309946
I can take a look at this, if you want.
>>27326866
Not him, but I'd vouch. I didn't give it much of a fair chance.
Bumping w/ an image of Anon later in my story, credit to a guy in the MLProgress thread for drawing this.
>>27326866
It would be appreciated
>>27321050
>You are Platinum Shine
>You are one of the scouts that were selected for this mission
>You and your unit were dispatched to the Everfree forest
>You don't know what you'll find here, but you're getting the creeps just thinking about this place
>If you weren't careful, it wouldn't be the monsters that'd get you, it'd certainly be the deadly flora
>You try not to dwell on it too much
>Your squad leader, Onyx Shield, only told you that you were going after some ape
>He said you'd know him when you saw him
>You weren't too sure yourself, as the amount of creatures in this forest is absurd
>The journey to the Everfree from Canterlot is nearly two hours altogether by flying chariot
>You decide to take a nap until you get there
>One hour and fifty five minutes later
>You're squad is loading off of the two chariots
>Velvet Chaser, Tiny Thunder, and Nimble Force were on the first
>Onyx Shield, Yellow Rock, and you were on the second
>Once you and your squadmates have your gear ready, Onyx speaks up
>"Assuming any of you missed briefing, I'm going to explain one more time."
>"We're here to locate a missing fugitive."
>"He's the human, Anonymous. You all know who that is, correct?"
>"The what, sir? Hooman?"
>Fucking Velvet
>"No, corporal. Human. The thing is basically a really tall, hairless ape. It wears clothes, so it should be easy to see through the brush."
>"We aren't here to make ourselves known. That's the main attack force's job.
"Attack force? Celestia wants to send an entire army after this thing?"
>"From what I've heard, yes. She does. If you were paying attention when I explained it earlier, you would know that the human has kidnapped Princess Luna, and taken her wherever he is."
>There is a collective gasp amongst the squad
>"Yes, you heard me right. It took the princess."
>"Now, unless any of you have questions, I suggest we get moving. We don't have time to waste."
>>27328259
>You're still Platinum Shine
>Why wouldn't you be?
>You've been patrolling this forest for hours now
>You find something strange
>You haven't encountered a single hostile entity yet
>Usually you'd be attacked by timberwolves, or a manticore, mere minutes after coming into this place
>Whatever's happened here to drive them away, at least in this part of the forest, leaves a bad feeling in your stomach
>Nonetheless, you continue onward, following your squadmates
>Onyx stops
>"Okay soldiers, it's time we stop for a break."
>Thank Celestia
>"I see what appears to be a watering hole down in that valley. Feel free to fill your canteens."
>You're happier than you've been since you've entered this forest
>Your canteen ran empty early on
>You head down into the valley, towards the watering hole
>As you approach the watering hole you begin to notice something odd
>When did the ground start shaking?
>The closer you get to the body of water, the more intense it gets
>You and your squadmates freeze, fearing something terrible will happen
>Well, all of you except for Velvet
>"Velvet! Stop where you are! The closer we get to the pond the more the ground shakes! Can't you see?"
>She didn't stop at all
>Well Nimble, you tried
>She eventually reaches the watering hole, and begins to fill her canteen
>As soon as she stopped moving, it seemed like the water in the pond just faded away
>You and your squad started to run, fearing for your lives
>Except for, well, y'know, Velvet
>How did she make it onto this team?
>Seriously
>That didn't matter though, because by the time you all scrambled into hiding the shaking stopped
>The water was all gone
>In its place was a... door?
>What?
