Writefags' Guild
You’ve been bitten by the writing bug when you were attending a public writing workshop. Later that night, your uncle calls you to tell you, “With great inspiration, comes great stories.”Shut up, I’m making a point
You have a good time with writing your stories. Put your blood, sweat, and tears into a story. You decide to post it in a random thread to get some feedback.
Just one problem: No takers.
You wonder if you should even bother writing; you decide to quit and move on to something else.
This thread is for the new found writefags who just need some feedback, to improve on your writing skill and get a laugh or two.
There are some rules however:
-One story at a time.
If you see someone posting a story, simply wait until they’re done, maybe even offer some thoughts on the story afterward. People posting stories at the same time will just make a mess of things.
-Don’t be a dick, or an asshole when critiquing.
Say a story wasn’t good, you didn’t care for it, and thought it was cheesy, whatever. You can tell the writer that without resorting to insults. Be honest, let them know where they went wrong, and what they could do to improve. No need for condescending tones, the only drama that is in the thread should be in stories.
-Do not post as you go along with your story, it should’ve already been prewritten.
Keeps from wasting time.
This thread’s purpose is to encourage writefags all over /mlp/ to write. We’re laid back here. Post what you want as long as its pone related. We’re not all “STOREEEYS ONLY!” We discuss topics such as writing techniques, interesting tropes, and bring forth story ideas. Let’s have fun.
Things you’ll need as a writefag:
A pastebin account (Recommended but optional. Its free, I suggest getting one if you haven’t already.)
Coffee
A Thesaurus, Thesaurus is best Dinosaur.
Thick skin (some people are brutally honest.)
>>25529550
Tips and Links
Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug's tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup: http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f
http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)Had to. Puns are awesome.
Things you should know about writing:
Clever's Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn's Guide to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dIjqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/
(More links to come)
Lists of authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy
There are tons of authors from other threads, more will be added later.
>”How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>”FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way cure to it, but if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing, there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (Keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*
-Write anyway, allow yourself to write shitty stories, more often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.
*Unless you’re writing clop, listen to your boner.
Repost, working on another one.
Wash away the grumpy..
Here I sing before the ponies of this town
What they all need is not a savior but a clown
Laugh away the spooky, welcome smiles kin
But there's no sunshine out so shine the light within
In the dark and feeling lonely..
Please let my sunshine in
And you will laugh! And the world's changed! Like the day's anew!
For all the joy you feel is just how life shall be!
And I will sing! For the newly born! Who alight within me!
And you'll all sing your songs while waiting here with me
Until you find the dark has disappeared
The dark disappears!
JChallo acute
>>25530391
Quiet you.
"You deny your friendship it's purpose Anon, it yearns to be with those that care about you"
Barrier Broken,
My skills have awoken,
I've gone past the limits of light.
The World behind me
Where gods cannot find me
I've transcended the lesser with flight
With only my skill
An undying will
The thrill of those I inspire.
It's them who I love
As I soar high above
And push them to go ever higher
So follow me! Friend!
I'll be there with you until the end!
And you can fly! high!
You'll never know until you try!
Because the truest failure is never trying
Just try
And follow me! Friend!
I'll be there with you until the ennnnnnnnnd!!!!
Flying with those I adore
As the storms of life come near
With them any rains I can endure
I charge forward without fear
What they never know with how we entwine
That I'm not their strength, for they are mine.
>>25530320
>>25530900
These are pretty. Great rhyming scheme and everything!
That comment aside, have also come for some advice. I am going to be writing a story soon and was wondering what all you kind writefriends (or whoever else reads the thread) thinks are common tropes for each of the three pony races. Earth is all about honest strength (for the most part), most Pegasi seem to determined and seeking to better themselves, and Unicorns are usually shown being smart/crafty.
Basic tropes of the majority of each race, you know. Was wondering if anyone else has any ideas/additions for this though.
>>25530877
You can't quiet me! I'm a writer, shitposting is what I do!
>>25529550
Alright. Everyone who posted something last thread and did not receive a critique, would you kindly repost and show that you are still around to receive any critique. Apologies for the length of time for responses, but understand that there are only two of us and we have lives of our own. If you are reposting a story from last thread, than you'll get priority for critiques, of course, and we'll try to get it to you as soon as possible.
>>25533900
http://pastebin.com/vw7WyT83
A short Appul prompt green. I'm seeking critique on the first one and tips on making my prose less terse without being superfluous, because I can't seem to strike the balance between the two.
Welcome welcome!
Bump.
So writers, whatcha working on? Reading?And why haven't you put down the vidya games yet? Shouldn't you be writing?
>>25529550
Did the last thread die very quickly?
>>25534886
no, actually we had about a good 400 posts or so before it died out.
>>25534899
Ah, so basic renewal. I get it.
And not to mention, I see my faggoty poetry got another poetic writefag going.
And he's actually decent.
>>25534911
It died ten posts to bump limit, nothing concerning in the slightest. Not sure how long it lasted overall though.
>>25533906
Oh good, you're still around. I already read this and meant to get you a critique for it. A moment please.
bump
>>25524690
>>25535600
Thanks for the reminder
>>25534911
I've actually been posting things like that for a couple months.
https://desustorage.org/mlp/thread/24917547/#25006680
So I was writing something for the Satyr thread and got about 2/3rds of the way through and I hit a wall.
Here is the story itself:
http://pastebin.com/gDL6avsS
I'm just trying to set up everything before I go further.
What I was trying to do was have a minor argument between Spitfire and her husband with Celestia just watching them. But I wasn't quite sure how to continue with it and make it sound organic.
Also general feedback is welcome.
page 10 bump
Why so dead my faithful student?
>>25540290
People just busy doing other things for right now I guess. Give it time, bust out the cards, tables and chairs, we'll be playing a little blackjack for a little while.
>>25536751
Hmm, I wonderq
>>25536751
Heyo, I can help you out tomorrow. Got into the thread too late tonight.
Bump
Bump
I'll have a story for you tonight
Good night.
Working on another one.
>>25549097
o lawks
>>25536751
Not a bad start. I appreciated how quick, but informative, your exposition was. Very helpful for me, someone who does not go to the satyr threads.
The only thing that really puzzles me is why you have Jamie so paranoid of Celestia's intentions. Spending so long in Equestria, he should be used to thinking of her as a benevolent demigoddess by now. Having some justification for his fear of her could help make this thing seem more organic right there.
To address your question about the argument, I think you could get away with having him try to stop Spitfire again with something simple, like asking "are you sure, babe?" If he questions her judgment about showing the child to her goddess and princess, that could spark a confrontation right there. Making it sound organic is just a matter of introducing it the right way, and having both characters argue as they actually would, instead of in a way that gives the story artificial drama. So if Jamie is the kind of guy to back down after a minute, have him do that, and keep the argument quick. Or, if Spitfire is a right-fighter, have her hesitate before going for the baby, and then make her words sound a little more forced or poorly connected to the topic, to give her the air of justification. Know what I mean? It's all in staying true to your characters.
>It's a crisp autumn morning in Canterlot.
>The leaves of the trees that line the streets are turning.
>The warm colors are a nice contrast to the white stone towers.
>You're on your way to the Royal Palace to start your shift as a janitor.
>It wasn't great work, but it was steady.
>One of the royal sisters would occasionally inquire about your history while you were working, so that was a nice distraction.
>You've left early to watch Celestia raise the sun.
>The light from the sun pours into the streets, flooding them with its tepid radiance.
>With the rising of the sun, the leaves of the trees emanate a glow before your eyes.
>You're on your usual route to work, taking in the beauty of nature, when you hear a voice grab your attention.
>"Good sir, do you have some spare change?"
>You stop and look down.
>A purple unicorn is sitting on the edge of an alleyway, wearing torn socks and a scarf for insulation.
>She's levitating a sack towards you.
>You look at the sack, and back at her.
>She has an innocent expression.
>Her eyes and smile hide any sense of struggle.
>She's doing her best to not look pathetic, but her condition betrays her attitude.
>She's got circles around her eyes, her coat and mane are messy and matted down.
>You reach around in your pockets, but you didn't have any bits on you.
>You had some in your locker at work that you kept in order to buy food during your lunches, but that wasn't going to help.
>You look back at the unicorn and shrug.
"Sorry, I don't have anything."
>She lowers the sack.
>"That's okay. You take care now."
"Uh huh."
>>25550339
>You continue on your way to work.
>You can't help but feel a bit guilty over not helping her.
There's nothing I could have done. I didn't have any money.
Still, should I have done something?
Like what?
Give her a place to stay?
That's getting into creeper territory.
Well, what?
>Up ahead, you notice the sandwich shop you go to for lunch.
>The lights are on.
>You jog up to it, and enter the shop.
>A light blue stallion in an apron calls out from behind the counter.
>"Welcome to Saddle's Sandwiches, how may - oh, Anon. It's you. You're here early. Looking to try one of breakfast sandwiches?"
"Maybe another time, Mr. Saddle."
>"Well what can I get you?"
"I was kind of wanting to know if I could open up a tab."
>Mr. Saddle blinks a couple times.
>"I guess that's alright."
>He rests himself on the counter.
>"You having financial problems?"
"Not really. I just need to buy a meal for someone, and I don't have any money at this moment."
>"You're opening a tab for somepony else? Then no deal."
"Look, I'm not poor. I have money, just not with me. I'll pay you back at lunch."
>Mr. Saddle stares at you.
>"This isn't going to be a regular thing is it?"
>"No."
>He lets out a sigh.
>"Fine."
"Thanks. I'll be right back."
>>25550354
>You walk back to the alleyway where the unicorn was, and find that she's still there.
>She's excited to see you return.
>She lifts up her sack.
"Sorry, I still don't have change."
>"Oh, right. Sorry."
>She looks down, and her ears fall back.
>"Well, why are you here then?"
"I was wanting to know if you're hungry."
>She perks back up.
>"But I thought you said..."
"I know, but there's a sandwich shop down the street. I can get you something to eat if you want."
>She looks up at you and smiles.
>You can see tears forming in her eyes.
>Before her emotions can get the better of her, she brings her hoof up to wipe her face.
>She takes a breath to regulate herself before nodding her head.
"I thought so. Now come on."
>She tucks her little sack into her scarf and lifts herself off the ground.
>She looks up at you with hopeful eyes, waiting for you to guide her.
>>25550370
>The unicorn follows alongside you to the shop at a light trot, but catches herself occasionally getting ahead of you.
>She seems embarrassed each time it happens.
>You make it to the shop.
"Alright, here we are."
>You open the door for her, and she trots in.
>"I see you're back with your friend."
>She makes her way to the counter and loses herself at the menu.
>Her ears fall back, her jaw drops, and her eyes widen.
>"What would you like?"
>She snaps back back into reality.
>"Oh, um..."
>She hesitates to answer.
>She turns to you with a timid look.
>"What can I get?"
"You can get whatever you want."
>She looks back at the menu.
>"Can I get the Hay-maker?"
>Mr. Saddle looks back at you for your approval.
>You nod toward him.
>"Yep. One Hay-maker, coming right up."
>He bends behind the counter to get the materials when the unicorn interrupts him.
>"Actually..."
>She's speaking in an unsure tone.
>"Can I get two?"
>"Well, I'm not-"
"Yes, you can get two."
>Mr. Saddle looks over at you.
>You silently mouth to him.
"I can pay for it."
>"Two Hay-makers. I'll have them ready in a bit."
>You reach over and tap the unicorn on her shoulder and gesture to a table.
"Let's have a seat."
>>25550381
>You sit down at the table.
>The unicorn is the first one to speak.
>"Sir, I want to thank you for this. It was incredibly generous of you."
"It's nothing, really."
>"I mean it, thank you, Mr..."
"Anonymous, but you can just call me Anon."
>"So, Anon, what you're doing out this early? I don't get many passersby at this time of day. I especially don't see non-ponies walking around Canterlot. And what exactly are you, if you don't mind me asking?"
"I'm heading to work, and I wanted to see the sunrise, so I got up early to catch it before my shift started."
>"Oh, I didn't realize I was keeping you."
>"Don't worry, I've got plenty of time. I don't need to be anywhere. It's either sit here and talk, or sit at work and wait. And to answer your earlier question: I'm a human."
>"A human?"
"Yeah, we're like hairless monkeys."
>"Really? You look closer to chimpanzees than monkeys."
>She leans in over the table.
>"Are there any books on humans?"
"Where I'm from? Tons. Here? I have no idea."
>She starts talking to herself.
>"Humans are related to chimpanzees, huh? This could be amazing research. They could have magical properties."
>She looks back at you.
>"Tell me, can you do magic?"
"I uh, can do some card tricks and talk like Penn Jillette."
>"Who's that?"
"No one. I was just joking."
>"So, no magic?"
"Afraid not."
>She starts talking to herself again.
>Meanwhile, Mr. Saddle brings out the two sandwiches.
>"Hmm. Maybe he just doesn't realize he can do magic. This requires further study."
"Uh, ma'am?"
>"But how would get the testing equipment necessary to test this?"
"Ma'am?"
>"Surely, I could figure something out."
>She's back to talking to you.
>"Anon, would you be okay with me running tests on you?"
"Ma'am?"
>She leans in with a smile.
>"Yes?"
>>25550393
"Food's here."
>She notices the sandwiches laid in front of her.
>"Oh."
>She laughs nervously.
>"I guess I got a little carried away there."
>She lets out another nervous giggle before focusing on the food.
>"This looks so good. I haven't had a meal like this in who knows how long!"
>She unravels the first sandwich and is about to devour the whole thing before stopping herself.
>"I'm sorry. You're paying for this. Take some."
>She nudges the other sandwich your way.
"No, it's all yours."
>"Thank you, Anon."
"It's no problem, Ms..."
>"Sparkle. My name is Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight Sparkle.
>You've heard that name before.
>You study her for a moment when it hits you.
"I know you."
>She looks worried.
>"You do?"
"Yeah, you're Princess Celestia's student."
>She didn't want to hear those words.
>She looks down at the table.
>"Was...I was Princess Celestia's student."
"You were? What happened?"
>>25550141
>The only thing that really puzzles me is why you have Jamie so paranoid of Celestia's intentions. Spending so long in Equestria, he should be used to thinking of her as a benevolent demigoddess by now. Having some justification for his fear of her could help make this thing seem more organic right there.
I would argue its Jamie's parental instincts combining with his mistrust of anything magic.
Here is my thought process:
Some humans, even after a year or so, are still a bit weary of magic, due to cultural stuff from back on earth, and even because they genuienly don't understand it.
Then you have one of the strongest magic users in existence show up on a guy's doorstep, with no prior warning, asking to see his firstborn child.
He can't exactly say "No, because I don't trust you," because she did grant them sanctuary. But in saying "yes," who knows what could happen?
They say "show, don't tell," yeah? I'm showing an example of the culture shock/clash/whatever of humans and ponies. Yeah I can say the two groups have their differences, but wouldn't it be better if I showed an instance of that happening?
On an unrelated note: I feel like Ace is more of a prop than a character at this point. It could be how I'm going with it (establishing shit before hand instead of doing so during stuff down the line). Plus I had a few ideas of shorts involving the marriage of the two as well as stuff involving them and their children.
>>25550407
>"Oh, you know."
>She forces a smile and a laugh.
>"I moved on from my studies with her. I thought it would be best if I did my own independent work."
>She's trying to save face.
"And now you're living on the streets? This isn't part of your 'independent work' is it?"
>Her stomach growls.
>By the look on her face, she's actually relieved by it.
>"I'm sorry, I'm just so hungry, heheh. I can't think straight."
>She levitates the sandwich to herself and takes a large bite out of it.
>She tries talking with her mouth full.
>"Thrs rs sooo durrishus!"
>She swallows her food.
>"Could I bother you to get me a water? It would be really appreciated."
>Twilight takes another big bite from her sandwich.
"Uh, yeah. I'll be right back."
>"Thrnks"
>You get up and head to the counter.
"Hey, can I get a water."
>"Sure thing, Anon."
>Mr. Saddle fills a glass for you.
>"You got an interesting friend there."
"Yeah, she's the Princess's student."
>"Princess Celestia?"
>You both look over at Twilight stuffing her face.
>"Yeah. You found a homeless pony, who thinks she's Princess Celestia's student. If you ask me, she's a little-"
>Mr. Saddle brings a hoof to his head, and draws circles around his temple while making a kekoo whistle.
"No, she really is. I've overheard the Princess mention this mare by name. And it's not like she's bragging about it. She seems almost embarrassed."
>"If you say so."
"I believe her."
>>25550422
>You grab the glass and walk back to the table.
>As you sit down, Twilight is finishing another bite.
>"Thank you, Mr. Anon. I really appreciate it."
"No problem."
>You slide the glass over to her, and she downs it in a single drink.
>She sets the glass down and lets out a satisfied sigh.
>You catch eyes, and Twilight gives an embarrassed laugh.
>"Sorry."
"Do you need another?"
>"No, no. I'm fine thank you."
>When she finishes the last few bites of her sandwich and starts to unravel her second one, you take the chance to ask her about her history.
"So, about your current situation: did you and Celestia have a falling out? Is this why you don't have a home?"
>Before she can expose the sandwich, she freezes, and redoes the wrapping.
>"Oh, wow! Look at the time!"
>She points her hoof at the sun outside.
>She gets up from her seat, and uses her magic to get you out of yours.
>She pushes you across the shop and to the door.
>"You really must be getting to work now. Don't want to be late, do you?"
"Well, I'm really not going to be late. I still have a few minutes to spare."
>"Nonsense! To be on-time is to be late, and to be early is to be on-time!"
>Once you're out of the door, Twilight grabs her other sandwich with her magic and gallops with it down the street back in the direction that you found her.
"All you had to do was say that's a sensitive subject."
>>25550435
>You look back at Mr. Saddle, who is running circles around his temple again.
>You just shrug your shoulders and head out.
>The last rest of the day went by as normal.
>You cleaned the halls and rooms of the Palace, making sure they were up to the regal standards.
>You'd walk by the Royal Guards and envision yourself in their place.
>It wasn't a glorious job, but it was at least more respectable than clean-up work, and it had the promise of traveling to other parts of Equestria.
>Every week, you'd apply for the Guard, and every week, you'd get turned down.
>They would give you the same excuse.
>"We don't have a place for a human yet. You can apply again soon."
>This week would be no different, but it was always worth the attempt.
>You made a ritual of it.
>Every week, you'd stop by the Guard outpost during your lunch break, pick up your letter, and wait until the end of the shift to open it.
>The wait kept the day more interesting.
>You finish your shift, and head to the palace doors where two guards are waiting.
"Afternoon, gentlemen."
>They respond together.
>"Afternoon."
>You pull out the letter and wave it in front of them.
>"Still trying to get in?"
"Yep."
>You place your thumb on the seal.
"Drum-roll, please."
>The guards stamp their front hooves on the ground.
>You pop the seal, and unfold the letter.
"Dear, Anon. We are happy to see that you have shown interest in joining the Royal Guard in Canterlot... but we regret to inform you that we will not accept your..."
>You sigh.
"Come on."
>"Sorry, Anon. Better luck next time."
"Thanks."
>"I guess they just don't have any positions that a human can do."
"What can't I do? Stand in a doorway at attention? Oh, wow! So difficult!"
>The guards look cross at you.
"You know what I mean. Being a guard isn't a skill exclusive to horses. I'm not asking much here. I would just, for once, like a straight answer from these-"
>You hear doors open up from behind you followed by hoofsteps and talking.
>>25550435
>You turn back and see Celestia accompanied by guards of her own and being briefed by her adviser.
>You walk up to her.
"Princess."
>You manage to get her attention, but her guards get in between you and her.
>"The Princess is not to be bothered."
"It's just going to take a second."
>The guards create a barrier with their spears.
"Princess, I've got a question."
>She stops and gives you her full attention.
>"What is it, Anonymous?"
"I want to know why I'm not in the guard."
>"I'm sorry. I may be the leader of Equestria, but I don't make those decisions."
"But if you said so, I could get in."
>"Well, technically yes, but..."
"Then what can I do to get in?"
>"You'll have to apply like everypony else."
"I've done that a hundred times."
>"Then I don't know what to tell you."
>She turns away and her adviser picks up where he left off.
>The guards are still holding you back.
"Princess, this is the only thing I'll ever ask of you."
>She doesn't respond.
"I'll do anything."
>Still no response.
>Before she's out of range, you come up with a bargaining chip.
"What if I bring you Twilight?"
>Celestia freezes.
>She turns back and draws closer.
"I know she means a lot to you, and I know you haven't seen her."
>She looks at you more intently.
>"How do you know that I haven't seen her?"
"Because I have."
>By the looks of her face, she might be giving your offer consideration.
"So, if I can find her, and convince her to come see you, will you put me in the Guard?"
>Without hesitation, she responds.
>"Yes."
>Her guards are shocked.
>"What?! Princess!"
"Thank you so much!"
>>25550455
>You walk back home, but not before stopping at the alleyway where you met Twilight.
>The sun is setting behind the white towers, and the chill of the night is setting in.
>When you arrive, she isn't there.
>You look around for any sign that she was around.
>Behind a dumpster, you find a large cardboard box turned on its side.
>Inside are some newspapers, a couple books, and a pony doll that's missing one of its eyes.
>You bend over and reach in to grab a book.
>The title reads: Stable Vice's Approach to the Theory of Magic.
>You flip through the pages.
>It's filled with mathematical equations, and Equestrian terminology you've never even heard of.
>As you're flipping, something falls out of the book.
>Once it hits the ground, you see that it's a photo.
"Crap!"
>You rush down to pick it up.
>You inspect it to see if there's any dirt on it.
>It's clean as far as you can tell.
>You look at the photo.
>It's a family picture.
>Twilight with what looks to be her parents, brother, and...
Is that an dragon?
>You examine it closely.
That, or a walking iguana.
>You're at least sure now that this is her stuff.
>You open up the book to stick the photo back in, but hesitate.
Wait, what page was this on?
>You pick a random spot, and slide the photo in.
>You look over the book one last time when you hear hoofsteps.
>You see Twilight at the end of the alley, holding another book in her mouth.
"Twilight?"
>She holds the book up with her magic.
>"Anon? What are you doing here? And what are you doing with my stuff?"
"Huh? Oh right."
>You toss the book back in the box.
"I've been looking for you. I wanted to talk."
>"About what?"
>>25550467
"You."
>She cocks her head in confusion.
"And Celestia."
>Twilight puts on her charade again.
>"What do you mean, Anon? There's nothing to talk about."
"Look, I know something happened between you two. I just want to know what."
>She gives you a skeptical look.
>"Why are you doing this?"
"Just want to help...and I kind of made a deal with the Princess saying that I would get you to talk to her."
>"Celestia?"
>Her tone turns more somber.
"She wants to see you."
>"I don't know if I can do that."
>She snaps herself back to attention.
>"Besides, I have much studying to do."
>She trots past you, and into her box.
>She lays down, covers up, and buries her nose into the book just brought.
>You can see a purple glow along with puffs of her breath come from the box.
"That's fine. I can wait."
>You open up the dumpster and find a piece of cardboard.
>You throw it on the ground and sit down on it.
>An hour passes by without either of you saying a word.
>The sun has set, and the night air is setting into your bones.
>She's still reading.
>You're shivering, and from the sounds of rustling newspapers, you can tell she's not doing much better.
>You take a deep breath.
"You know, it would probably be easier to study in someplace warm, like on a couch, wrapped up in a blanket, next to a fireplace, sipping on hot chocolate..."
>Twilight creeps out from her box.
>She's shaking in her socks, and her teeth are chattering.
>"D-do you make it with w-w-water or milk?"
"Milk, obviously."
>She forces a half-smile.
"Come on. Let me grab your stuff."
>>25550481
>She was almost as enthusiastic on the walk home as she was when you got her breakfast earlier today.
>When you get home, you immediately set her stuff on the coffee table.
"The bathroom's down the hall, last door on the right. Go take a bath, and I'll get the fireplace going."
>She responds by hugging you around your waist.
>"Thank you."
"Do you promise to talk?"
>She pushes off of you, and looks around the house.
>"I guess I really can't say 'no' now can I?"
"Good."
>She heads down the bathroom door and stops.
>"Uh, what do you want me to do about these?"
>She looks down at her clothing.
"Just leave it in the hallway. I'll take care of it."
>She removes her socks and scarf, and closes the bathroom door behind her.
>Once you hear the water running, you turn to the fireplace.
>Being reminded of Equestria's technology, you groan.
"Why can't you guys have electric fireplaces already?"
>After going through three matches, two newspapers, and managing to get one burn on your hand, you finally have a fire going.
>You figure it's time to get out of your work clothes, and into sweatpants and a shirt.
>You head to your room, and pick up Twilight's clothes along the way.
>You look over their condition.
>They smell absolutely horrid, and they're falling apart.
>You're not sure if they'd make it through the wash.
Still worth a shot, I guess.
>You throw them with the other dirty clothes, making sure they have their own space though, and get changed.
>>25550489
>You leave your room, and see that Twilight's finished with her bath.
>She's sitting in front of the mirror, brushing her mane.
>You go into the kitchen, and get the ingredients ready for the hot chocolate you promised.
>Milk, vanilla, cocoa powder, sugar, a splash of light whipping cream, just a touch of cinnamon, and a bit of love; just like how mom made it.
>Fifteen minutes later, you've got the drinks poured, and you're sitting in the living room, now comfortably warm from the fire.
>One problem: Twilight's not there.
>You check around the house, and see that the bathroom light is still in.
>You creep up and peak in.
>She's still there, brushing her mane, as content as ever.
>She sets the brush down, and brings her mane up to her nose to smell.
>She notices you in the mirror.
>"AGH!"
"Sorry. Didn't mean to spook you. You'd just been taking a long time, and the hot chocolate's ready."
>She blushes.
>"Heheh. Sorry. It's just that I haven't been this clean in a while."
"It's no big deal. If I were in your situation, I'd be probably sit in the tub for hours."
>Twilight follows you to the living room.
>You both sit on the couch, and take your drinks.
"So...what happened?"
>"You're not going to let this go, are you?"
"Not exactly."
>Twilight takes a sip of her drink, appreciating it as if it were returning life into her body.
>"Where do you want me to start the story?"
"The beginning might be a good place."
>>25550495
>"Ever since I was young, I've had a fascination with magic. Everyday, I'd be buried in a book, or practicing a new technique."
"Okay, maybe not the very beginning."
>She takes another sip of her drink.
>"Well, I got into the School for Gifted Unicorns as Celestia's protege by nothing short of a miracle."
"Miracle?"
>"At the entrance exam, I had to hatch a dragon egg. I was doing everything I could, but nothing was working."
>Twilight's tone changes.
>Her matter-of-factness turns more dramatic and emotional.
>"My whole future depended on this exam, and I was about to blow it. I had given up, but then something happened. It was like the magic within me was released. My horn and eyes started glowing. I not only hatched Spike, but made him into a full-grown dragon, and I turned my parents into plants!"
>She throws her hooves up.
>"It was out of control! It wasn't until Celestia came and stopped me. I was so worried that ruined my chances of entering. But then, Celestia told me that she wanted to take me in as her personal student. I couldn't believe it. And then..."
>She gets off the couch.
>"Celestia pointed at my flank. I had gotten my cutie mark!"
>She's hopping up and down, eyes closed, reliving the moment.
>"It was the happiest day of my life."
>She doesn't realize what she's doing until she sees you with a grin on your face.
>She stops her bouncing and gets back on the couch.
>"Anyway..."
>She takes a sip of her drink and clears her throat.
"Wait, before you go on: I have a question. Spike? Was that the dragon I saw in the photo you had in your book?"
>"Yes, that's Spike. He was my number one assistant, and almost like a little brother to me. I can't count how many times I would have gone stir crazy had he not been there to keep me company, and trust me, I can count pretty high."
>She looks at you waiting for a response.
>>25550503
>"Right, so where was I?"
"Happiest day of your life."
>"Oh yeah. It was the happiest day of my life. I had gotten to study with my greatest inspiration. I took everything she said to heart, and when I wasn't with her, I was in the library studying."
>Twilight shifts around in her spot.
>"Everything was going great...until I got so wrapped up in my studies. I had become obsessed with the tale of the mare in the moon. Celestia had told me to move to Ponyville - that I needed to get my head out of those books - and make some friends."
>She stares into her drink.
"Then?"
>"And then, I told her 'no.' My own teacher. I told her that I wasn't going to do what she said, because I was so stubborn and sure of myself."
>She sniffles, and wipes her nose.
>"And what did I do when I saw that Nightmare Moon came back? I got even more prideful. I thought this was some test by Celestia. I had chased Nightmare Moon into the Everfree forest and to an old castle."
>You watch a single tear fall from her nose into her drink.
>"Celestia had to come in and save the day. I tried talking to her, wanting to know if I had passed her test, but all she told me was about how upset with me she was. That this was the first time she had ever been angry with me. That if I had just listened to her, I could have stopped Nightmare Moon."
Nightmare Moon? That happened before you even arrived...
>You tentatively extend your hand out to comfort her, but decide against it.
>She sniffles again, and takes a deep breath.
>>25550514
>"I was so ashamed at what I had done. I gave up on my studies."
>Her voice wavers.
>"I had been a student my entire life. I couldn't find a job that paid well enough to live off of, and I was too embarrassed to ask my family for help."
>She brings her hooves to her face.
>"I lost everything, Anon: my home, my way of life, my studies, and my number one assistant. All because I was too stubborn to listen to Celestia."
>She looks at you.
>"I don't know if I could ever show my face to her again."
>She goes back to crying into her hooves.
>You reach out, this time petting her head in reassurance and let her cry it out.
"I know the Princess was mad at you, but she's not anymore. Trust me. She really wants to see you again. It's why I'm doing this."
>She pulls her head back up.
>"Anon, I can't do that. I can't go back to her."
"And why not?"
>"I...just can't, okay?"
>You sigh in frustration.
"Look, it's getting late. I'll grab you some blankets, let the fire go for the night, and we can talk about this in the morning. How does that sound?"
>She smiles.
>"That sounds nice. I'm getting pretty tired."
>You get up and watch Twilight sprawl out on the couch, her eyes blinking.
>"Thanks, Anon. This really means a lot."
"No problem."
>>25550525
>You head to the closet and grab your warmest blanket for her.
>When you get back, Twilight's already fallen asleep.
>You can barely hear her snoring over the crackle of the fire.
"You weren't kidding, were you?"
>You unfold the blanket, and cover Twilight.
>You notice that you hadn't even touched it the whole night, and decide to chug the lukewarm drink.
>You set the cup next to Twilight's stuff.
>Curious, you look over it a second time.
>You flip through the pages, still unable to understand a lick of it.
>You set it down and trade it out for the little doll.
>Not only was it missing an eye, the stuffing was beaten down and lumpy, and the fabric was stained.
"I could probably fix all that. Wouldn't take but a few hours."
>You look over at Twilight who's fast asleep.
>You lift her hoof, and stuff her doll close to her body.
>You run your fingers through her mane, and pat her shoulder.
"Goodnight, Twilight."
>With that, you head to bed.
>>25550537
>It's early morning.
>What little sunlight that manages to break through your curtains is enough to wake you.
>You contemplate staying underneath the comfort of the blankets and heading back to sleep, but the daylight is preventing that.
>You get out of bed and decide to take advantage of the early hours to make breakfast for Twilight.
>You do your morning routine and get cleaned up.
>You head to the kitchen, and start getting ingredients ready for breakfast.
>It dawns on you that the only food you have beyond cereal that you actually cook is eggs.
>You didn't want to bother Twilight, but at the same time, wanted to cook her a proper meal.
>You walk into the living room.
>She's snoring, and there's a little drool coming from her mouth.
>Her doll is clenched tight to her chest.
"Hey, Twilight."
>She doesn't respond.
>You decide to give her a gentle shake on her shoulder.
"Twilight."
>She jolts awake.
>"Huh? Is it time to get up?"
"No, you can go back to sleep in just a second. I'm running to the store. What do you want for breakfast?"
>She takes a moment to process your question in her half-daze.
>"Can you make pancakes?"
"Yeah, I can do that."
>She smiles.
>"Thanks."
>>25550550
>You get up, and head to the door.
>You turn back to see Twilight watching you leave.
>She's still smiling at you, and you throw a smile back at her.
>She closes her eyes and drifts back to sleep.
>You get ready to leave when you're struck with an idea.
>You tiptoe back to Twilight, and check on her.
>She seems to have fallen asleep just as quickly as she had last night.
>You grab a hold of her doll and try to pull it away.
>Her body puts up a little resistance, but you manage to take it without waking her.
"It's okay, Twilight. I'm not stealing it from you."
>You head to the market and buy the missing ingredients to make pancakes.
>Next stop is a sewing store.
>You almost lose your entire morning, but you get a sewing kit, a delicate fabric cleaner, stuffing, and matching button for the eye.
>You hadn't sewn anything in a long time, but you remembered enough to not totally botch this.
>You arrive home and sneak in through the front door.
>You open it slowly, as to not wake Twilight.
>As soon as you're in, you turn around and gently close the door behind you.
>You look back at Twilight to see if you startled her.
>There's one problem: she's not there.
>Her stuff is missing from the coffee table.
>You yell into your house.
"Twilight?"
>You set your stuff down and rush down the hallway.
>She's not anywhere in the house.
>Everything she brought with her is gone.
"Goddammit, Twilight!"
>>25550557
>You rush out the door.
>There aren't any signs of Twilight.
>You head into town to look for her.
>Your first stop is the alleyway that you first came across her.
>You can't afford to waste any time.
>You run as fast as your legs will allow you to
>When you get to the alley, your lungs are in stitches, your heart is in a panic, and your legs are on fire.
>You allow yourself a rest and lean against the wall.
>In between coughs and gasps, you yell into the alley.
"Twilight!"
>Your coughing prevents any response from being.
>You take a deep breath and try again.
"Twilight!"
>No response.
>Panting, you jog over to where her box was.
>She's not in there.
>Her stuff isn't there either.
"Oh, come on."
>You rest against the wall to give yourself a minute to think as to where she might be.
>The first spot that comes to mind is Mr. Saddle's.
No. She wouldn't be there, would she?
Only one way to find out.
>Your body is begging you not to move.
Come on, it's not that far.
>You push yourself off, and run to Mr. Saddle's.
>Heads turn as you slam open the door to the shop.
>"Anon, are you okay?"
>Another coughing fit starts up.
"Twilight..."
>You're interrupted by your lungs need for air.
"Twilight, was she here?"
>"Who?"
>You settle yourself a little.
"That purple unicorn from yesterday: have you seen her?"
>"No, I haven't. What happened?"
>>25550570
"She ran off."
>"Ran off?"
"Yes."
>You take a deep breath.
"I gave her a place to get cleaned up, and a place to rest. This morning, I came into town to buy some groceries, and when I got back home, she was gone."
>"What? What did she take?"
"She didn't take anything, but I need to find her."
>"Anon, have you been hit in the head?"
"No."
>"Then why do you need to find her?"
>You take one last deep breath.
>Your breathing is under control, and your heart rate is slowing.
"I just need to find her so I can get her back to the Princess. I'm trying to help her."
>"Sounds like she doesn't want your help."
"Well, that's too bad."
>"Anon, that mare sounds like more trouble than she's worth."
"She almost is."
>You take another moment to rest and think.
Where could she be?
Surely she wouldn't have skipped town, would she?
She couldn't afford the train ticket.
>You remember the books she had with her.
Wait. Where did she get those?
Library? Where else would she have gotten them?
"Mr. Saddle."
>"What?"
"Is there a library nearby?"
>"There are several libraries."
>You groan.
"Don't say that."
>"The nearest one is three blocks from here. Head north two, then take a left."
"I guess I'll start there."
>>25550576
>Against your protesting body, you follow Mr. Saddle's directions and jog to the library.
>Knowing the routine, you get your coughing fit over with outside before entering.
>You enter the library and head to the front desk.
>There's an old mare waiting.
>Her voice is feeble.
>"Can I help you?"
"Yes. I'm looking for someone, and I want to know if you've seen them."
>"Well, I've seen lots of ponies come in and out, but I'm not-"
"Okay, did a homeless looking purple unicorn come in yesterday evening?"
>"Well, I don't exactly remember."
>You sigh.
"Thanks. Is there another library close by?"
>"Yes, on the other side of Canterlot, there are two, and one in the Canterlot castle."
Canterlot castle? No. She wouldn't show her face there. And why would she go across town to check out books?
"Are you sure you haven't seen her?"
>"I'm old, dear. I don't have a great memory."
"Thanks, anyways."
>You head for the door when you're struck with an idea, and head back to the counter.
"Before I go, can I check out a book?"
>"Why, of course. What are you looking for?"
"A book on the theory of magic."
>"There are several authors on the subject."
>She scoots her chair back and gets up.
>"Let's see if we have what you're looking for.
>Following behind the librarian, she leads you to the magical sciences section.
>"Let's see here..."
>She starts pulling out books.
>"The Beginners Guide to Understanding Magic?"
"No, not that one."
>"Hmm. Magic for the Practical Unicorn?"
"No, not that one either. Do you have anything by 'Stable' or something like that?"
>"Stable Vice?"
"Yeah! That one."
>"Oh, you're looking to Stable Vice's Approach to the Theory of Magic."
"That's the one."
>"Right this way."
>>25550590
>She heads further down the shelf.
>"Aha, here we-"
>She pauses.
>"Oh."
"What?"
>"Somepony has it checked out already."
>A rush of relief washes over you.
"Yes!"
>Your voice carries further than you intended.
>A chorus of "Shh" comes from all around the library.
>"Keep it down!"
"Right. Sorry. This just helps me out immensely."
>She cocks her head.
>"I don't understand, but I'm glad I could help."
"Can I ask one more favor?"
>"Sure."
>"When is that book due?"
>"Well, let's head to the front counter and find out."
>You follow the librarian back to the counter.
>After going through several cabinets of files, she finds the information you need.
>"Seems that the book is due...today."
"Oh, this is good news. This is REALLY good news."
>Now that your chase is coming to a close, you stick around the library and wait.
>>25550599
>You wait, and wait, and wait in the lobby.
>Ponies come and go, but none of them are the one you're looking for.
>Hours pass by.
>Your stomach frequently reminds you that you haven't had anything to eat all day.
>Ponies frequently remind you that a library is meant to be quiet.
>You ignore their remarks.
>You're not going to leave the library and miss your chance to talk to Twilight.
>Spending your day running around town on no food has left you tired.
>You catch yourself drifting off on several occasions.
>You have to shake yourself awake to keep from slipping.
>You've lost track of the hour.
>You find a small area away to pace yourself.
>Finally, she arrives.
>She's wearing her beat up scarf and socks.
>You hang back and watch.
>She drops off her book at the front desk, and heads for the section that the librarian had taken you to earlier.
>You debate whether to confront her now, or wait until she's outside.
>Your empty stomach and foggy mind don't make your decision easier.
>In the midst of thinking, you notice that she's already coming back to the front desk with another book.
Well, I guess I'm left with one option.
>You keep your distance as you follow behind her when she leaves.
>You pass through the front doors and call out to her.
"Twilight!"
>She looks back in horror.
>"Oh. Hi, Anon. What are you doing here?"
>She forces a smile.
"I'm here looking for you."
>"Really? Why?"
>You walk up to her.
"You know why: you ran away."
>"Ran away? No...I was just, uh...returning my book."
"So you're telling me that you left this morning, with all your stuff, to return a single book, and it took you several hours to do so?"
>>25550604
>She starts walking away and you follow up beside her.
"Twilight, what's going on? I'm just trying to help you."
>Her head droops, and her ears fall back.
>"Anon, I'm not going back to Celestia. I can't go back."
"Why not?"
>"I really messed up. I was lucky that Celestia was there to fix everything, but what's going to happen when she's not there? I couldn't live with myself if I let that happen again."
"You made one poor decision. Yes, it had huge consequences, but Celestia wants to see you. She's willing to look past that mistake. I mean, obviously you've learned your lesson, right?"
>"I put all of Equestria at risk that night, and all because I was too afraid to do what Celestia asked. She's better off finding another student."
"Afraid to do what? Make friends?"
>She looks up at you, ears still back, eyes full of mourn.
"Twilight, are you scared to make friends? Is that why you doubled-down on your studies?"
>She turns forward and continues walking.
"Is that why you ran away this morning?"
>She responds by picking up her pace, and you follow suit.
>Her walk turns into a trot, then her trot to a canter, then her cantor to a gallop.
>You speed up as well, but it's becoming difficult to keep up with her.
>Your legs are refusing to work, and your lungs protest the second you start running.
>She's putting distance between you.
>You're afraid you're going to lose her again.
>You suppress the pain and push through.
>You manage to keep up with her.
>She rounds the corner into an alley.
>>25550615
>Once you catch up to her, you see that she's standing by a box with some newspapers and her books.
>She turns around.
>"Anon, I want to be alone right now."
>You lean against a wall to catch your breath.
>Huffing and wheezing, you fight to speak.
"You always want to be alone, don't you?"
>"Yes, I do."
>You cough a few times, then look at her.
>She's trying to be stern, but you can tell she's scared.
"Just go back to your teacher."
>"No, Anon."
"Really?"
>You push yourself off the wall and approach her.
"You're really going to do this? I'm trying to be nice to you, and trying to help you, and this is what you're going to do?"
>"Maybe I don't want your help?"
>Your stomach growls.
>You both hesitate to speak.
"Look, I've had nothing to eat all day, and I've been running around trying to find you. I'm hungry, I'm sleepy, my body is exhausted, and I can't even think straight. You would seriously rather put up with this everyday of your life than make yourself emotionally vulnerable?"
>"Yes."
>Her answer catches you off-guard.
>Your tone softens.
"Are you that scared?"
>"Yes, Anon. I am that scared. I'm afraid of making friends. Is that what you want to hear?"
>You don't know what to say.
>"Anon, I just want to be alone."
"Yeah. Sure thing."
>Without another word, you head home.
>>25550625
>When you enter through the front door, you almost trip over the groceries you bought this morning.
>Once you've put everything away, all you're left with is Twilight's doll.
>You take it and set down on the couch.
>You let your body sink in and rest from the day's events.
>You play around with the doll in your hands.
>For as old and beat-up as it is, you're surprised how it's still held together.
>Some heavy swinging would tear the stitching apart.
>Your stomach growls.
Come on. I just sat down.
>Letting out a groan, you lift yourself from the couch and head to the kitchen.
>Unwilling to cook anything, you just make yourself a bowl of cereal for your meal of the day.
>Finally getting a bit of food into your stomach allows you to think without haze or interruption.
Twilight, I was just trying to help, but I guess there's no point in trying to help those who won't help themselves.
>Another part of your brain chimes in.
She's scared.
Of making friends? That's irrational.
She's never had friends. How is she supposed to see that?
Then I guess there's nothing I can do to convince her otherwise.
How about instead of just using her to get into the Guard, you actually be a friend to her?
>Your gut sinks at the realization.
>You hadn't been completely honest about your intentions with Twilight.
Would you have really gone back if it weren't for the fact that she was the Princess' student?
Well, I bought her breakfast...
I let her have whatever she wanted to eat...
>Despite the excuses you make, you know in your gut what the answer was.
>The guilt sets into you like a stone.
Wow. I've kinda been a jerk. She told me her biggest fears, and I belittled them...
>Once you finish eating, you set back down on the couch, holding the doll again.
And now I own half her stuff.
>A spark ignites in you and catches a hold of the guilt.
>You feel a desire to make things right, and to do so now.
>Your desire grows as the guilt becomes fuel for the spark in you.
>>25550629
>You go to the fireplace and start a small fire, enough to heat the immediate area around it.
>You once again walk back into the kitchen, this time with the doll.
>You clear the sink, and get the water warm.
>While the water is warming up, you gather all your supplies for the rest of your night.
>Hand soap, a washcloth, a pair of scissors, the sewing kit, the stuffing, and a little bit of luck.
>You run the doll under the water, just long enough to get the surface wet.
>Dabbing a little soap onto the cloth, you find a quarter-sized stain and rub circular motions into it.
>You work the spot for several minutes straight: lathering, rinsing, and repeating.
>Your hand cramps up, and you take that as a sign that you're done washing that spot.
>You rinse the spot on last time and examine it.
>To your satisfaction, you've managed to work out the stain, along with the ages of set in dirt.
>In fact, it looks slightly lighter than the surrounding area.
>You chuckle at your surpassing of your own expectations.
>Your satisfaction ends when you see that you haven't even cleaned a fraction of the doll.
"Come on now."
>Several sessions of hand cramps later, you seem to be making sizable progress.
>You've got the head and mane clean, along with part of the torso.
"There's got to be a better way of doing this."
>You decide to put soap on the whole thing, and let it set while you work on one part at a time.
>This fairs better.
>In the time it took you to clean the head and mane, you've now got the rest of the body clean.
>You take the doll and set in near the barely lit fire place to dry.
>You take this time to rest your hands.
>>25550640
>Turning the doll every so often, you finally get it dry.
>You can still feel the spark inside you motivating you to continue on.
>You set the doll on the coffee table, and get your sewing kit and scissors ready.
>Not wanting to risk destroying the doll, you decide to undo the stitching at the joints.
>You start with one of her front legs.
>You find a loose stitch large enough to fit the blade and snip the thread.
>Carefully, you pull the thread loose, and pull the leg free.
>You pull out lumps of stuffing from the leg, and replace it with the stuffing you bought, making sure to make it as even as possible.
"Okay. Now for the hard part."
>You thread the needle, and bring the leg back to the torso.
>Following the stitch pattern best you can, you get the leg reattached.
>You give the leg a firm tug.
>It stays attached, the stitching not giving way.
"Alright. Still know how to do this. That's good."
>One by one, you remove, restuff, and reattach the legs of the doll.
>The torso and head were the most difficult.
>You managed to restuff the head with the correct shape, but the torso was less successful.
>Upon reviewing the doll, you see that you've given it a little bit of a gut.
>There was one last detail you needed to attend to.
>You place the eye on the head, centering it just right.
>You sew the button on.
>You use more thread than what the other eye had, but at least it was on there, and not going anywhere.
>You take one more look at your accomplishment.
>It was almost brand new aside from the pudgy stomach and button having too much thread in it.
"I'm calling that a winner."
>You look at the clock.
>You were supposed to be in bed two hours ago.
>Content with your work, you put out the fire, and head to bed.
>>25550651
>You are awoken by the sunrise.
>Your body hasn't fully recovered from your supposed day off.
>Against aching muscles, heavy eyes, and a tired mind, you fight your way out of the comfort of your bed.
>You do your regular routine of getting ready.
>When you leave for work, you grab your gift for Twilight and stuff it into your jacket.
>You trace your mental map back to Twilight's new spot.
>When you arrive, you find that she's still there lying in her box.
"Twilight?"
>"What do you want, Anon?"
"I just wanted to talk."
>She gets out and stands firm against you.
>"Anon, I said I'm not going back to Celestia."
"I know. That's not what I'm here to talk about."
>She looks bemused by your statement.
"I wanted..."
>You take a deep breath.
"I wanted to apologize for the way I've been treating you. I haven't been completely honest with you about my intentions. I've been pushing you to go back to studying with Celestia so that she would get me into the guard."
>You kneel down to Twilight's level.
"And I know two days is a bit quick, but I haven't been treating you like a friend, and you deserve to be. I'm sorry."
>You reach into your jacket.
"I know you don't want to hear this, but I really do think getting back into your studies would be best..."
>You pull out the doll and reach out to Twilight with it.
>Twilight's eyes widen at the site of her doll.
"But I'm not going to pressure you to do something you really don't want to."
>She reaches out with her hoof and takes the doll from you.
>She brings it to her face, closing her eyes, and rubbing it against her cheek.
"So how about this: you can come stay with me, where you have a couch to sleep on, three hot meals a day, and we can find you a job, and help you get back on your feet...or hooves in your case. We'll find you your own place. How does that sound?"
>She opens her eyes and looks at you.
>You gesture to the doll.
"So, do you you forgive me?"
>>25550661
>She looks at the doll again, then back at you.
>She walks up to you and wraps her forelegs around you, pulling you in for a hug.
>"Yes, Anon. I forgive you."
>You bring your arms around Twilight and hug her back.
>You hear her sniffle a few times.
>She keeps a hold of you, but you let her decide to stop hugging when she's ready.
"You know, I never did cook those pancakes."
>She pulls away from you and giggles.
"I'm just saying, we could have had them yesterday.
>You stand up.
"Think about it, okay?"
>She simply nods her head.
"Alright."
>You turn away and leave the alley.
>Just before you're out of view, you look back at her.
>Twilight is wiping away tears with a smile on her face.
>Seeing that makes you smile yourself.
>With that bit of happiness in you, you head to work.
>Everything played out at work just as usual.
>You did your cleaning duties.
>You would be stopped by Luna and her questions.
>The guards would tease you about not being in the guard.
>When they brought up getting Twilight back, you just ignored them.
>Finally, lunch came around, and you went to Mr Saddle's as usual.
>"Afternoon, Anon. How you doing?"
>Your eyes are fixated on the menu.
"Pretty good, I guess"
>Mr. Saddle picks up that something's different about you.
>"You having a long day?"
"Yesterday was."
>"Oh yeah. About that, how did it go? You end up finding her?"
"Yeah."
>"You end up helping her out? And by the way, what can I get you?"
"Eh. I'm hoping so. And just get me the usual."
>"Sure thing. It'll be up in a jiff."
>Mr. Saddle begins working on your sandwich.
>"Oh, I almost forgot: you in the Guard yet?"
>You sigh.
"No, I'm giving up on that."
>Mr. Saddle scoffs.
>"I told you. That mare was more trouble than she was worth. She's sucked the life out of you."
>You just laugh along.
"No. I was never getting in."
>>25550669
>You spend the rest of your lunch eating alone before heading back to work.
>Your day continues on like most, with the exception that you were no longer going to be pestering the Royal Guard about a position.
>Your shift comes to an end and you head to the palace doors to talk with the guards that were stationed there.
>"How's that search coming?"
"Huh?"
>"That search for the Princess' student?"
"Oh, yeah. You know, I've learned a lot these past couple days, and-"
>"He didn't find her."
>The guards bust up laughing.
>You can't help but go along with them.
"No, I did. I tried to get her to come back, but she didn't want to."
>You look at both the guards and shrug.
"I mean, not much in that situation that I can do."
>"Well, you gave it your best shot. You can always apply to the Guard again this week."
"Actually, about the Guard, I think I'm done trying to-"
>A voice calls out to you.
>"Anonymous."
>You and the guards turn your heads.
>Celestia is walking up to you.
>She has her usual guards and adviser with her, along with one more.
"Twilight, is that you?"
>"Anon, I'm glad that I found you. I wanted to thank you for talking Twilight into coming to see me."
>You look at Twilight who just blushes.
>"We've spent the whole afternoon talking, and she's agreed to continue her studies once again. I can't thank you enough for this."
>You're standing there speechless, trying to digest what's going on.
>"And, as promised, I will personally make sure that you have a position within the Royal Guard."
>You're still searching for words to speak.
>"Well, isn't that what you wanted?"
"Yeah it is, but..."
>"But?"
"But first, can I have a talk with Twilight for a moment?"
>"Of course. I'll be right over here."
>Celestia turns away.
>You pull Twilight aside.
>>25550681
"Twilight, what are you doing?"
>"You were right, this is best for me. When you called me your friend, and said that I would always have a place to come back to, it made me see how great friendship can really be. So, I'm going to continue my studies under Celestia, and move to Ponyville."
>The only response you can muster right now is a huge grin.
>"And plus, she's putting me at a library! I'll be able to do so much reading, and research, and..."
>She catches herself in her excitement.
>"And friend-making, of course."
"Just remember to write me every once in a while, alright?"
>"Deal. And you write me to let me know how you're doing in the Guard, alright?"
>You hesitate to respond.
>"That's what you wanted, right? To be in the Royal Guard?"
"Yeah. It's just, that I was ready to let that go. Here I am, coming to terms with never getting in, and now it's in being thrown in my lap. I don't know what to think, honestly."
>"Take it."
"What?"
>"Take it. It'll be good for you."
"You're probably right."
>Twilight pulls you in for another hug.
>"Thank you, Anon. Thank you for showing me that friendship is nothing to be afraid of."
"You're welcome, Twilight. Thank you for what you've done for me. I couldn't have ever done this on my own."
>"You're welcome, Anon."
>You end your hug and walk back to Celestia.
>"So, Anon, will you accept the offer?"
>Taking a deep breath, you give her a confident answer.
"Yes, your highness."
>Celestia smiles.
>"Good. You'll be hearing from the Guard about your duties within the week."
>She turns to Twilight.
>"And you need to get your things ready if you and Spike want to be in Ponyville by tonight."
>"Yes, Princess."
>Twilight and her reunited teacher walk off.
>You watch them, wanting to hold off leaving for as long as possible.
>You catch Twilight glance back at you.
>You both share a smile, ready to begin the chapters of your lives.
THE END
>>25550414
Parental instincts I can understand, but I'm not seeing the mistrust of magic, because I don't think automatically mistrusting it is as immediately understandable. I guess, if the people have been with ponies long enough to start creating satyrs, it's weird that some would be still hung up on a fundamental aspect of that world. You are definitely right to show it, instead of telling it, though, and I think your technique on doing that is pretty good.
Treating Ace as a prop at this time is fine, because he's just an infant, and can't possibly be the most important character.
neat
>>25550760
The more I think about it the more I get what you're saying. Humans have been in Equestria roughly 5 or so years now and they should a least be used to magic by now.
I was trying to find a bit of friction between Jamie and Spitfire on Celestia coming over to see their child. Yeah Jamie is probably used to being around the average unicorn, but once he's around a thousand year old goddess with the power to move heavenly bodies around then that might pur him on edge. Especially when she shows up to his door unannounced.
I'll have to play with it some. I'd welcome any ideas on the execution.
Page 10 Save Rave
bump
>>25556048
Again
>>25556048
Why is she so stressed?
>>25553458
Maybe play up the fact that she's unannounced, rather than her magic? That could help lead to some static between him and Spitfire, 'cause he could be all upset at her random appearance, and Spitfire can defend it on the grounds that, essentially, Celestia's a goddess and can do whatever she damn well wants. That's essentially a political argument, and those can get hairy quick.
>>25550687
Do you happen to have this in pastebin? If so, I'd like the link. I know, for others, it's easier to have it posted in-thread, but I prefer having a new window for the story, so I don't have to endlessly scroll back and forth every time I refresh the page. Plus, having each line numbered makes my note-taking job easier.
>>25558458
Here you are.
http://pastebin.com/XfSkFbtd
Don't be afraid to give me a good lashing. It keeps my ego in check
>>25558974
Marvelous. Thanks. I'll have a critique for you on Monday.
>>25559019
Thank you. I look forward to your critique
>>25557427
wrong
Good morning
>>25561780
Mornin' Anon
>>25559019
Have a good weekend
Greetings from /mlpg/
Just thought I'd share a bit of what I've learned and hoped it might help others.http://tmblr.co/Zo0OGo1ytPqtvhttp://tmblr.co/Zo0OGo1ytSIK9
>>25529550
Is the cover pic done by one of those guys who drew Hoof Beat?
Looks a bit like his style.
Having abit of trouble writing up a beginning to my story. I think I'm decent at the meat of a story, but not that good at writing beginnings. Any advice?
Bumps
>>25565437
well, you can always begin in media res
>>25567006
not that anon, but what do you mean by media res?
Alright, just finished this up, and I need it critiqued. I'm pretty happy with it, but I'd just like to know if anything needs fixing or additions need to be made. Here's Mad Science: Chapter 3.
Pastebin: http://pastebin.com/vm9C1M2H
Google Docs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t2Lb5CLtSmlTRyhGUTyvurr5D7Y6tppDIWt4fSWzJ7c/edit?usp=sharing (I'll be editing this)
>Two things are absolute: human stupidity and the laws of thermodynamics.
>Or, at least, the former was true in your home universe.
>However, considering stepping on the ground didn’t send you flying into the air, you were at least fairly certain that the first law of thermodynamics applies to this universe as well: energy is conserved and cannot be created or destroyed.
>That was what you thought, until 15 minutes ago.
“It just doesn’t make any sense,” you mutter.
>First, you had calculated a predicted angular velocity, an estimate for how fast the magnet was spinning, based on the measured voltage from the magical battery.
>Then, you compared the actual measured angular velocity to your predicted value, taking down a few values to get an average.
>A simple test.
>Except your measured values were significantly higher than predicted.
>So you ran the test again.
>The values, once again, came significantly higher.
>You check everything: the voltage of the battery, the resistance of the wire, the friction on the magnet’s axle, air resistance, whatever.
>Everything is not high enough to cause a significant change.
>So, you try a different approach.
>There are several constants of proportionality that determine, for example, how far a magnetic field can permeate.
>Starting from the predicted value for the magnetic constant, you work backwards and derive it from a measured voltage produced by the spinning magnet.
>>25567447
>Within a reasonable margin of error (to account for air resistance, electrical resistance, and friction), it equals the predicted value from your universe which you have memorized, it being one of the essential constants for doing physics.
>Not particularly surprising, considering the magnet-using electronics of your suit, such as servomotors, didn’t seem stronger, weaker, or malfunction.
>So, you can confirm that the extra energy is definitely coming from the magical battery.
>But how?
>If magic is a form of energy (which you presume it is), then how could it violate the first law of thermodynamics, especially considering that simple mechanical energy does not?
>Where is the extra energy coming from?
>You need more information, but, unfortunately, the only way to get is from... her.
>Sighing, you get up from the workbench and head upstairs.
>Twilight is organizing books, levitating them here and there, flipping open the covers and looking at the black ink stamps inside for various bits of information for where they’re supposed to go.
>She takes a look at you and says, “You’re up early.”
“I had work to do,” you reply. “But my work has only led to further questions.”
>“Isn’t that what good experiments do?” Twilight asks as she places a red hardcover into a slot between a black leather-bound tome and a blue paperback.
“Yes, but they are not questions I can answer by experimentation. I would not know where to begin. I need more information about this... magic.”
>“Okay,” Twilight says, turning around. “What do you need to know?”
>>25567456
“Perhaps I should start with what I already know, and then figure it out from there.... It seems fairly clear to me that magic is some form of energy, but I remain uncertain of its rules and properties, or how all the things I’ve seen it do fit together into a coherent model. I have seen it used to generate an electric current, for telekinesis, and for teleportation. A simple explanation would be that magic is some form of raw, uncontained energy that takes the form of what is easiest to transmit, but that does not help me produce any mathematical predictions of how it functions. Nor does it fully explain the observations I’ve made. The energy produced by a ‘magical battery’ produces, proportionally, far more energy than a rough equivalent, such as a mechanically-powered electrical generator, and more than the supposed ‘voltage’ of said battery would theoretically provide.”
>“Oh, you’re talking about one of the effects of Starswirl’s Grand Law of Magic,” Twilight states matter-of-factly.
“Explain.”
>“Hang on.”
>Twilight walks upstairs, comes back with a wooden chessboard.
>Following her into the kitchen, she sets the board on the table and begins setting out the dark brown and light tan pieces in their proper positions on the two sides of grid.
“What’s this?” you ask. “Chess?”
>“Yes, chess. You want information from me, and I want some friendly companionship from you. So, I’ll make you a deal. We can converse about magic over a game of chess.”
“Why not just converse over this without a game in the way? Then we could focus on the matter at hand instead of having to multitask.”
>“Because it would be fun? Don’t you have time for fun in your life, Anonymous?”
“My experiments are fun.”
>“C’mon, play a game. It won’t kill you.”
>You frown, but relent.
>You have always liked chess.
>Plus, considering that Twilight wants you to be cooperative....
>>25567469
>Deals need to be struck, exchanges to be made.
“Fine.”
>You take a seat at the table, Twilight following suit on the other side.
>“Black or white?” she asks.
“Black,” you reply, choosing the side you’re already on.
>As such, Twilight takes the first move, moving the pawn in front of her queen two spaces forward.
>You do the same.
“Alright,” you say. “Explain this ‘Grand Law of Magic.’”
>“It’s quite simple, actually. The amount of energy produced by any magical spell, or a battery, or whatever, is approximately the square of the amount of energy put into that thing.”
“Approximately?”
>“As with all things magical, it’s not perfect. There are some cases where they extra energy could be as much as the energy put in cubed, or to the fourth power.”
“But where does the extra energy come from? If it comes from nowhere, the void, or whatever, that’s in violation of energy conservation, is it not? And, if energy weren’t conserved, I would mostly likely be dead right now.”
>“We don’t know the answer to that. It’s never been fully figured out. There have been a few experiments, but all of them have failed to produce any conclusive results.”
“What were the experiments?”
>“Mostly looking at ways that magic could absorb energy from the ambient environment. So, a casting a spell could cause a temperature decrease, for example. But there was no significant decrease in temperature observed. And, this seemed to contradict the fact that you can use magic to heat objects up.”
“And I probably would have felt a temperature change like that. The wires would have been colder instead of hotter.”
>“Exactly. Another was to look for magic causing chemical reactions within materials, but this obviously doesn’t make sense, because then the objects you cast spells on would be altered chemically by the spell. Or they would have to reform once the spell was complete, which would produce either a net zero or a negative energy change. So, yeah. Inconclusive.”
>>25567477
“Great. Another mystery to solve....”
>You move your rook to trap Twilight’s bishop
>She can’t maneuver it out of the way without your knight taking it instead, and so it falls.
>In return, you lose one of your pawns by Twilight’s knight, only to take it with your bishop.
“How can such a relationship exist at all?” you realize. “You said that magic was more of a skill. And, presumably, that means as you use it more often, it becomes easier to use it. So, is it using less energy to do the same amount of work?”
>“Well, no. It’s more like... strength training. The more you use a muscle, the stronger it gets. But that doesn’t mean that it takes less energy to lift the same amount of weight that you did previously. It means that you just have more energy at your disposal, and so lifting that amount of weight uses less of it.”
“I understand. Does this also mean that certain people - er, ponies - have more magic at their disposal? Just as certain people are predisposed to develop muscle mass more easily?”
>“Well, yes. The Princesses of the Sun and Moon and other magical beings, like Discord, the Lord of Chaos, have a great affinity for using magic. As well as, to be a bit immodest, myself.”
>You think for a moment, considering both this information and your next move in the game.
>Many of the pieces have been eliminated on both sides, but everything is still going according to plan.
“How much power do the princesses have?” you ask. “And this Discord character? How much power does he have?”
>“I don’t think it’s exactly quantifiable -”
“Like most things with magic....”
>“Yes. But, as far as I know, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna can tap into a far larger reservoir of magic than any unicorn can. They have enough power to rotate the planet-”
>>25567490
I'm unfortunately going to have to pause for a while here, as I have some business to attend to. Sorry about that, probably back in a couple hours.
>>25564102
hey thanks!
>>25567502
Alright, sorry about that. Resuming.
“This planet has no rotation on its own? So that means that the asteroids, gas, dust, whatever, had net zero angular momentum when they coalesced to form it. Not impossible, but very unlikely. Or there was a catastrophic impact event that resulted in the same thing, net zero rotation. Once again, not impossible, but also unlikely.”
>Twilight nods.
>“Those are both the most popular theories. Although we haven’t found any significant impact craters, so the first theory is generally preferred.”
“Hm. You also mentioned these... princesses have the power to rotate the planet.”
>“Yes. Alicorns have significantly more magical potential than any unicorn. But there are other magical beings and artifacts with similar powers. Nightmare Moon, Luna’s evil alter-ego, could stop the rotation entirely, leading to eternal darkness. And Discord can completely change the nature of reality. And then there’s the power of the Elements of Harmony.”
>You blink.
“I’m going to hold off on some other questions for now. Obviously, the fact that your planet is rotated by two magical princesses is a bit of a... curiosity, and there’s more I’d like to know about that, in due time. And the fact that a being that is the embodiment of ‘chaos’ exists in this world is also a... curiosity. But I will hold off on that to remain on topic. Although, I guess... First, what are the ‘Elements of Harmony?’
>“Not what, but who,” Twilight says, moving her bishop to counter your knight.
>Unfortunately, that just allows you to take it with your queen with no risk to your pieces.
>“My friends, the ones you met yesterday. We are the Elements of Harmony. Applejack is Honesty, Fluttershy is Kindness, Rainbow Dash is Loyalty, Pinkie Pie is Laughter, Rarity is Generosity, and I am the Element of Magic. When the six of us are together, the magic of friendship flows through our elements and allows us to defeat evil.”
>>25568571
>You think for a moment, plotting the final moves of the game and your next question.
“I’m going to delay asking more about these ‘Elements of Harmony.’ There’s more I could ask about them, but I think that prompts its own discussion. But, what you’re telling me is that you’ve faced an evil version of one of these princesses, and some sort of Lord of Chaos, and they didn’t try to, you know, just separate or kill one of the Elements of Harmony so that they couldn’t be used against them?”
>“Well, Discord sort of did that. He took away our connection to our elements and -”
“Check. If he has the power to completely change a being’s personality, interfere with these incredibly powerful magical artifacts, and alter the nature of reality itself, then why couldn’t he just, I don’t know, trap one of you within the core of the sun while keeping you alive, under the threat that, if you tried to do anything against him, he’d kill that person - er, pony? Or just make you all forget that the Elements existed at all? Just do anything to keep the Elements separate but make it impossible for you to use them against him without dire consequences. And, if Princess Luna’s evil form is comparable in power, why didn’t she do something similar?”
>Twilight moves her king out of the line of sight of your bishop.
>“I... I don’t know. Maybe they were blinded by their own power.”
“Check again. Possibly. All it simply means is Discord and Nightmare Moon are A. not as powerful as we think, so they couldn’t do those things or B. not as smart as we think, so they didn’t think to use their powers that way. Most likely the latter.”
>Again, Twilight is forced to move her king, this time from threat of your queen.
>“You really think that the Nightmare Moon and Discord were... dumb?”
>>25568581
“Well, that’s putting it rather bluntly, but if they couldn’t figure out such an obvious solution to defeating their enemies, then yes. If you have ultimate power at your fingertips but cannot figure out creative ways to use that power, then you are by definition an idiot. By the way, checkmate.”
>Twilight examines the board.
>Your rook, bishop, and queen have trapped her king in one corner of the board, preventing it from maneuvering.
“Of course, there is another possibility,” you say.
>“What’s that?” Twilight asks.
“It’s incredibly unlikely, but it must also be considered. Your enemies were both intelligent and powerful, but you were simply... allowed to win. Or, at least, conditions were made such that a situation in which it would be impossible for you to win would not be possible.”
>“Maybe with Discord,” Twilight says. “Nobody really knows what his motives are. He seems to just consider the world and all the people in it to be his plaything. Or, well, that was how he acted before we convinced him otherwise.... But what about Nightmare Moon? She seemed completely evil to me, and completely convinced of the rightness of her cause. Why would she let us win?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know enough about your previous adventures or the characters in them to deduce which of my hypotheses is absolutely correct, though I am of course predisposed to believe that people who want eternal darkness and absolute chaos are simply misguided idiots. And why you were successful is ultimately irrelevant to my current task at hand. Something for you to wonder about, not me. I have bigger problems.”
>“Such as?”
“Such as figuring out why you let me win in this game of chess.”
>Twilight frowns.
>“What? I didn’t -”
“Oh, come now, don’t give me that look. You played incredibly sloppily. No one gives up their rook to take a knight, or their queen for a bishop. I refuse to accept that you are that incompetent.”
>“Was that a... compliment?”
>>25568587
“Take it whatever way you like. The point is, I refuse to accept that victory.”
>“But you won. Don’t you want to -”
“No. I can’t know why you did it, but the fact that you did raises... complications. Possibly, you were planning on revealing the deception to me later, so that I would do some other thing with or for you. Or perhaps you wanted me to underestimate you, so that you could later beat me. It doesn’t really matter. The point is, I want a fair game. I don’t take well to being deceived.”
>You reset the board, placing the pieces in their proper spots.
“I’ll be white this time.”
>“Anonymous, I swear, I didn’t let you win, I was playing as best as I could. I’m really not that good at chess. I’m not devious enough-”
“You’re really not fooling anyone with that. Come now. Plus... nevermind, it’s irrelevant.”
>You move the pawn in front of your bishop forward two spaces.
“Your move.”
>Twilight gets up and paces for a moment, then sits back down.
>“Urgh, fine! If you’re going to be this stubborn, then I guess I won’t need to go easy on you just to be friendly.”
“So you admit you did let me win.”
>“I wasn’t trying to manipulate you! I just didn’t want you to lose the first time I played against you. It didn’t seem right.”
>Twilight moves the pawn in front of her king forward two spaces.
“That doesn’t make any sense. Why didn’t you give it your best? I did.”
>“Because I thought, well, maybe you come from a universe where chess doesn’t exist, or chess is played differently, or who knows! I couldn’t expect you to immediately be good at a game you might have never played before.”
“Your concern for my feelings was unfounded. I clearly recognized the game, and you didn’t make any comment on me breaking any rules. So, obviously, we play the same game in both of our universes. And, I can take losing a simple game, when I know that both parties have played fairly.”
>You advance your knight over your line of pawns.
>>25568598
>Twilight moves another pawn, this time in front of her rook, forward two spaces.
>The game continues on in silence, both parties focussing more on the task at hand as opposed to idle chatter.
>Twilight manages to trap your bishop between a rook and knight, forcing you to sacrifice it.
>In return, you take a knight and put her in check, only for her to slip out and take one of your pawns with her bishop.
>Except the pawn was bait, and your rook springs the trap.
>Twilight moves her queen to take the rook, while you set up your remaining bishop to eliminate her knight.
>Both sides trade pieces and maneuver around one another until you are left solely with two pawns, a knight, a rook, and your queen.
>Twilight still has a pawn, a bishop, and both rooks.
>Her queen had been forced into an unfavorable position between your knight, bishop, rook, and a pawn, took the rook, but was captured by the bishop.
>One of your pawns is three squares from the other end of the board, and you are planning on promoting it to a queen.
>Twilight’s king is protected by her twin rooks and pawn.
>If you move a piece into check, it will probably simply get captured in return.
>With your remaining pieces in fairly safe positions, you advance the pawn forward.
>Twilight slides her rook over a space, putting it in line with your knight.
>Probably just an empty threat, considering that, if she did take your knight, your bishop would swing down and take her rook.
>You move your pawn forward another space.
>Twilight re-adjusts her rook, placing it at the end of the board.
>There goes that plan.
>However, you now simply move your queen to put her king in check, the best space now out of the line of attack of the rook.
>The black king is forced to reposition out of the sight of the queen’s all-seeing eye.
>Next, you adjust your queen to attack Twilight’s rook on the last row.
>Twilight moves her piece to a place where your queen can’t get it.
>>25568607
>With the path cleared, you advance your pawn forward, promote it to a queen, and place Twilight in check.
>Your opponent simply slips her rook in front of her king.
>Now to finish -
>“Check.”
>Twilight’s rook now sits in line of sight of your king.
>You shift it to the right.
>“Check.”
>Not again.
>You move your knight to defend your king.
>Twilight moves her rook to defend hers.
>Sending your promoted queen behind the rooks, you place Twilight’s king in check.
>A rook blocks your queen from further assault.
>You move your bishop to finish pinning the king down, but, then, Twilight slides her rook down, putting your king in check.
>You’re forced to take it with your original queen, as your king is near the edge of the board and lacks pieces to defend it.
>This leaves the queen vulnerable to Twilight’s rook, and she takes it, putting you back in check.
>Shifting your king diagonally one space up behind your knight, you escape.
>Twilight looks at the clock.
>“I think we’re going to have to call this a draw,” she says. “I have to go run errands soon, or else my whole schedule will be ruined for the day. I’ve already dropped re-organizing the books for this....”
“This won’t be much longer,” you reply.
>You place Twilight’s king in check with your promoted queen.
>Twilight moves her pawn forward one space, protecting her king.
>You attack again, this time with your bishop.
>The king retreats one space backwards.
>You cannot make any more attacks without placing your bishop and promoted queen at risk from Twilight’s rook, and any attempt to bring your knight in would most likely end its demise as it left a defensible position.
>But you must win.
>Taking the risk, you angle your knight forward towards the fray.
>Twilight puts your now undefended king in check with her rook.
>You move the knight back.
>Twilight moves her pawn forward.
>You move your bishop back one space, preventing the pawn from reaching the other end of the board and promoting itself.
>>25568621
>Can’t allow that whatsoever.
>But this allows Twilight to get her rook to a different angle and put your king in check again.
>Again, you’re forced to reposition.
>The pawn marches forward, one space from its goal.
>You move your bishop one more space down.
>At least now, if the pawn does get promoted it, you can snipe it before it can do too much -
>“Checkmate.”
>You trapped your king behind your knight.
>You can’t retreat, because that would put it in check from Twilight’s rook.
>You can’t advance, because that would put it in check from the promoted queen.
“Well. That’s that I suppose. Well played.”
>“I did the best I could.”
“And your best was clearly adequate.”
>Twilight thinks for a moment.
>“Wait, how do I know that you didn’t let me win?”
“Well, you don’t. But, knowing what little you know about me, would you really expect me to just give you an easy victory?”
>“No.”
“Then work it out from that.”
>“That doesn’t really answer the question.”
“Well, the only way for us to truly know is to play another game. And, if I beat you more easily, then you’ll know that I wasn’t playing my best.”
>“Anonymous, we really don’t have time for another game like that. I really need to get these errands done before the day is through, or my schedule will be thrown entirely out of -”
>There’s a firm knock on the door.
“Do you want to get that?”
>Twilight gets up to check who’s there.
>“Hi, Rarity!” she says from behind you as you reset the board.
>“Hello, Twilight dear. Could you tell me, perhaps, if Anonymous is in?”
>“Yeah, he’s right here. Anonymous?”
>With a frown, you get up from the table and walk over to the doorway.
“Hello. What can I do for you?” you ask the white unicorn.
>“Oh, I was just going to offer my services as a seamstress. I can imagine that you can’t stand staying in the same outfit for the rest of your time here,” Rarity says.
“I am happy to accept such services. If I need you, I’ll be sure to give you a call.”
>>25568639
>“Do you not want me to just take some measurements now, or anything? I mean, it would really be no trouble.”
“Maybe not for you, but certainly for me. I am in the process of an important development here and -”
>Twilight gives you the look of “If you do this for me, I’ll be very happy.”
>You ignore it.
“- I really don’t have the time for tailoring right now. But if I need it, I’ll be sure to see you.”
>Rarity thinks for a moment.
>“Well, the thing is, I do get very busy from time to time, so I think it would be much more convenient for me if you came now.”
>You rub the index finger and thumb of your right hand across the bridge of your nose.
>You do need new clothes at some point; it’s only a matter of time before the kit you’re wearing becomes ruined, turn, wet, or otherwise.
>If getting new clothes tailored doesn’t take too long and Rarity doesn’t pester you with questions, you may even still get time to ponder over this “Grand Law of Magic.”
>Two tasks at once.
“Are you certain that it won’t take too long? I have a lot of work to do, and I really can’t afford to great of a distraction at this time.”
>“Of course not. It won’t be much longer than half an hour,” Rarity says.
“Fine. Alright. I’ll be back in half an hour, Twilight.”
>Twilight smiles and nods.
>Following Rarity, you leave Twilight’s library into the crisp, bright day, the sunlight hurting your eyes at first.
>Rarity leads you down the High Street of Ponyville, past shop-keeps hawking their wares of fresh vegetables, artisan crafts, and various other fine goods, and out into the outskirts of the city, towards a large, cylindrical building resembling a large circus tent in pastel blue, lilac, white, and gold.
>Only, you don’t notice these things, as you instead ponder the new problems presented by your discoveries this morning and the Grand Law of Magic.
>“So, Anonymous, what do you think of Equestria? I mean, of what little you’ve seen so far,” Rarity asks.
“Huh?”
>>25568655
>“I asked what you thought of Equestria, darling.”
“Uh, it’s nice, I guess, sure.”
>You resume thinking.
>“Oh, come now, surely you have more to say than that.”
“I don’t.”
>Rarity frowns.
>“Has Twilight told you anything about me? Or is there anything you wish to know?”
“Nothing at the moment. You’re a tailor. That’s all that really matters at this point.”
>“I am not just a ‘tailor,’ Anonymous. I am Ponyville’s leading fashionista. If you need any help with that, then I assure, I would happily offer my services -”
“Yeah, I won’t be needing that. Fashion bores me.”
>Rarity leads you up to the tent-like building, a sign nearby reading “Carousel Boutique.”
>She opens the front door with a flourish and the jingling of a bell overhead.
>The interior is filled with pony mannequins covered in lacy dresses placed on lightweight metal stands, some in small curtained alcoves.
>If this what accounts for the best of fashion in this place, then you may have to be a bit specific in what you want.
>“Just let me get my things, and we’ll get started,” Rarity says.
>She steps out of the main room through a small door, then quickly returns with some pins and a fabric tape measure, as well as a small pair of half-moon seamstress’s glasses propped upon her nose.
“I’m not very picky, but I do like things simple. Not too many frills,” you say, lifting up a bit of fabric on a nearby dress delicately.
>“Of course, of course. You just need something to wear so that what you’ve got now doesn’t get too filthy. Don’t you fret. Now, come along. I’ll just take a quick measurement, and then you too can be off, and you can expect the new clothes in a few days.”
>Rarity grabs a quill, some ink, and a pad of blue-lined paper.
>As she unfurls the tape measure, you lift up your arms to allow her to begin measuring.
“So, you are the Element of Generosity, are you not?” you ask.
>>25568664
>“So Twilight did tell you a little more about me.... Yes, I guess I do get called upon to serve that role from time to time,” Rarity says as she jots down a few numbers.
“Then perhaps you can answer this question I’ve been having. What exactly does it mean to be generous?”
>“Well, it just means that you do good things for others and expect nothing in return.”
“Of course. That seems satisfactory. But, maybe I should rephrase the question.... Are generous for its own sake, or are you generous to others because you know that they will reciprocate that generosity?”
>“Of course I’m generous for its own sake,” Rarity says, wrapping the tape measure around your waist.
“Really? I find that hard to believe. Are you saying that you’ve never, not even once, done something for someone and later expected something in return?”
>“I don’t know. I don’t remember every single minute favor I’ve done for everypony. Please, Anonymous, let’s just... er... drop this line of inquiry.”
>You chuckle softly.
“Deep down, you know that every time you do a little favor for someone, you can check off a little box saying that you can ask that person for something in return. Deals are struck, bargains are made. And the value of being ‘friends’ with someone is it just makes it easier to make those little agreements.”
>“Anonymous, please stop this. I really - I don’t agree with what you’re saying.”
“Friends know that they are both dealing in good faith. And so you get things from people. Favors. Money. Gifts. Knowledge. But what if those people have nothing of value to give to you? What will you do then?”
>Rarity sets her notes and tape measure down, having finished your measurements.
>“Friendship isn’t just about the things we get from people,” Rarity says firmly.
“Then what is it about?”
>“It’s about enjoying company with someone and their personality.”
>>25568680
“Is companionship not something that someone gives to someone else? Do you not benefit from enjoying someone else’s personality? How are those thing not examples of someone ‘giving’ something to you?”
>“Where are you going with all this?”
“Nowhere. I was just curious what you thought. Are you done with the measurements?”
>“Uh, yes. I’m finished.”
“Well, thank you for that then. I’ll be off.”
>“Yes. Goodbye, Anonymous.”
“Goodbye.”
>You leave through the glass door, the bell jingling overhead.
>As you wander your way back home, the idea hits you.
>It’s a longshot, but it’s certainly worth testing.
>You quicken your pace.
>Flinging open the door to Twilight’s library, you jaunt towards the stairs to the basement.
>“Hi, Anonymous. How was Rarity’s -”
“No time for that. Science to do.”
>You rush downstairs, Twilight following after you.
>Finding a screwdriver, you detach one of the gauntlets, the one with the radiation detectors embedded in it, and the helmet from your hazard suit.
>Jamming the helmet on your head and the gauntlet on your arm, you boot up the computers inside them and set up a radiation scan, erasing the background radiation from cosmic particles slamming into the atmosphere or any other sources.
>You then set up your little motor, plugging the magical battery into the system and waving the gauntlet over one of the wires.
>It detects nothing.
>This detector can detect up to a nanorad of radiation, a single weak gamma ray bouncing off its detector, and it has detected nothing.
>Disconnecting the magical motor, you strip a bit of insulation off one of the wires, and test again.
>Still nothing.
>You pull the helmet and gauntlet off.
>“What were you testing for, Anonymous?” Twilight asks.
>>25568700
“Matter-energy equivalency. A very small amount of matter can be converted into a very large amount of energy, per Einstein’s special relativity. Magic could break apart a few atoms by interacting with the strong and weak nuclear forces under the right conditions, creating extra energy. It would have been a very easy explanation. However, much of the energy that would be produced would have been in a useless or dangerous form, usually heat or high-energy ionizing radiation. But I’ve seen neither of those things.”
>Twilight thinks for a moment.
>“What if magic keeps energy in a useful form?”
“How? And how would that be ”
>“Well, we know it can interact with electromagnetism and gravity. And you know that it can interact with the strong and weak nuclear forces... whatever those are, I’ve never heard of them. So perhaps it converts energy produced from atomic breakdown into electromagnetic energy. At least, in this case.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. It would mean that the emission and absorption of photons was being converted into a voltage or an electron movement. And that can happen, there are materials that become electrically charged as you heat or irradiate them, but pure copper isn’t one of them.”
>You pause for a moment.
“But of course, this an alternate universe. Anything could happen here. There could be a some ‘fifth interaction,’ some force that interacts with all four forces and can cause all of their effects. And that force could be... magic.”
>You think some more.
“This solution is overcomplicated. There must be some simpler answer. Also, it makes no testable predictions. How is magic converting energy into a useful form any different from magic simply creating the useful form of energy? All we see is more electrical energy then there should be, but magic could just produce the electrical energy through any other means than the one we’ve theorized. We need something to test.”
>>25568710
>“And to get something to test, we need more tests,” Twilight says.
>You turn to her.
“Yes. I don’t think there’s much more we can glean from this apparatus, unfortunately. As revealing it has been, it still doesn’t answer all the questions. As much as it pains me to say it, I need... your help. You understand magic better than I do. I understand physics, or, well, what humans know of physics, better than you do. There are things that I know that you don’t, and vice versa. We both have things we can give to each other. It will be a beneficial partnership.”
>Twilight looks you directly in the eye.
>“Then let’s work together.”
And that is the end of that, finally. Once again, I'd really appreciate a critique on this before I send it out to the wolves, mostly to see if I missed anything major or minor that could be added. Thank you very much in advance.
>>25559851
No prob.
>>25563422
I'll try. I feel like I could be coming down with something, so we'll see.
>>25565437
Well, beginnings are usually used for setting the scene and introducing your characters, so one thing you can try is just putting your main, or some of your main, characters together in a sort of average, easy scene that is in some way still relevant to the main plot. It's an easy way to give the readers an idea on what they're going to be seeing. Don't be afraid to meander a little bit before jumping into your plot, but also don't take forever.
>>25567447
Heyo, welcome back. I just started a story, pretty short this time, so I won't be able to reach you immediately. I would, however, like to take a gander next week.
>>25570086
Perfect. Looking forward to it. Thank you very much.
Goodnight bump
11:44 bump
Good morning bump
Bumpin
>>25558206
too much coffee, maybe
>>25567447
>Two things are absolute: human stupidity and the laws of thermodynamics.
>Or, at least, the former was true in your home universe.
>However, considering stepping on the ground didn’t send you flying into the air, you were at least fairly certain that the first law of thermodynamics applies to this universe as well: energy is conserved and cannot be created or destroyed.
>That was what you thought, until 15 minutes ago.
You're belaboring the point here when you can sum it up in just a few words.
>Within a reasonable margin of error (to account for air resistance, electrical resistance, and friction),
Don't include parentheses in your exposition when they're not needed, which is probably never. It feels like I'm reading an essay.
>it equals the predicted value from your universe which you have memorized, it being one of the essential constants for doing physics.
Rather than explain what the pronoun is afterwards, just say the thing instead.
>considering the magnet-using electronics of your suit, such as servomotors, didn’t seem stronger, weaker, or malfunction.
You don't need the 'such as servomoters' bit in there, the general statement is enough.
>>25567447
“Perhaps I should start with what I already know, and then figure it out from there.... It seems fairly clear to me that magic is some form of energy, but I remain uncertain of its rules and properties, or how all the things I’ve seen it do fit together into a coherent model. I have seen it used to generate an electric current, for telekinesis, and for teleportation. A simple explanation would be that magic is some form of raw, uncontained energy that takes the form of what is easiest to transmit, but that does not help me produce any mathematical predictions of how it functions. Nor does it fully explain the observations I’ve made. The energy produced by a ‘magical battery’ produces, proportionally, far more energy than a rough equivalent, such as a mechanically-powered electrical generator, and more than the supposed ‘voltage’ of said battery would theoretically provide.”
Good lord almighty, sum this bad boy up. I understand that you're getting across the point that anon is smart and analytical, but you can do this with fewer words in dialogue. Don't get me wrong, I like what you're going for. I just don't see any reason to keep it this long.
In the rest of this scene your dialogue is much faster and flows very well. That block has no place there.
>“Yes. Alicorns have significantly more magical potential than any unicorn. But there are other magical beings and artifacts with similar powers. Nightmare Moon, Luna’s evil alter-ego, could stop the rotation entirely, leading to eternal darkness. And Discord can completely change the nature of reality. And then there’s the power of the Elements of Harmony.”
This is a bit nitpicky, but I wanted to point out you started a few sentences with a conjunction here when you could have kept the dialogue flowing better with a comma. There aren't many grammar rules that stand up when writing dialogue, but this is one I think should be stuck to a little more.
>>25568728
All in all I think it's pretty solid, man. You've got some minor problems with dialogue and a few times it goes on for too long with unnecessary details, but it's good. I like your character and how you portrayed the ponies, very well done.
Overall here are a few things I suggest
Cut down the exposition a little where you can, like that chess scene. It's a great idea you have there, but its length takes away some of the tension you created.
Tighten up the dialogue so there aren't so many gosh darn commas and ellipses! Punctuation is nothing but tools as far as dialogue goes, but you're using these tools when they're not needed. It's like using a wrench to turn a screwdriver.
other than that I think it's bretty gud m8 i r8 it an 8/8
today is bonkers wow
>>25573811
>>25574027
>>25574427
Well, thank you very much. This is a good place to start, and this will help tighten everything up. Thanks for the critique.
>>25579171
Of course, any time. I can tell you put a lot of thought into this story, but remember there's such a thing as overthinking.
page 10 bump
>>25580881
again
Reminder on how to use your pronouns!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahA9S-f2Vlg
Bumpin
Boop
>>25529563
http://pastebin.com/WWZBkjFC
Just a reminder that I love y'all, even though you don't want to put my notes in the OP to share with everyone.
So, question for all you fags.
I stopped watching after season 4. Am I still qualified to be writefag
>>25587547
No, fuck off.Yes.
>>25587547
sure
watch more
>>25589152
whee
Justabump
>>25580881
*Gaps*
No way!
*Looks back*
*Turn to the PC*
*Rapidly looks back, again*
*Hangs his head.*
You've lied to me, Anon...
>>25587547
Depends.
>>25596888
I will save our home in name of this 888.
Glim Glam a shit
Boop
>>25595696Or did she move?
Is there such thing as an inherently bad story? What I mean by this: is there any source material or idea SO bad that there's no way to approach it and make it appealing in any manner? Or can every story be played at an angle that can make it good?
>>25603075
My immediate, optimistic impulse is to say "there are no bad stories, only bad writers," but I'm not so sure. The question that it makes me ask is, when does an idea stop being the original, and start being the author's? Like, if the prompt is "shipping story between two inexplicably sentient internal organs inside a pony," and the author weaves some 60K allegory for the dangers of romantic codependency, using medical terminology and viscera as metaphor, is it still the same, crappy idea we started with? If not, is the original idea bad for making the author re-imagine it so drastically, or is the author simply not creative enough to take the idea and really wrestle with it, instead hiding behind abstraction and classical, technical proficiency? Some other writer could take that same prompt and bang out a side-splitting 2.5K romp with Twilight's pancreas and stomach getting married in a bizarre, no fucks given dream world, and both would have their merits, assuming both writers were, you know, good. By that I mean intelligible and possessing a style of their own. Writers who've been practicing their craft for a while.
I think the closest you're going to get to an inherently bad idea would be one that is so complicated that it contradicts itself. When ideas get so big and out of control that the structure is lost, that's about as bad as it gets, in my opinion. The immature, generic, wish-fulfillment ideas, while difficult, can all be handled by someone with enough skill.
>>25604536
I got a follow-up question about style. It didn't really occur to me until now, but I don't know the first thing about developing a voice or style.
I'm a musician, and I've been going to school for it. I've got a pretty good understanding of stylistic nuances, and what I don't understand, I know how to go about learning it. When I'm composing, I know what I'm drawing from, and for the most part, I know how to create the musical effects that I want.
I can't say the same for writing. I've got no idea what I'm doing. All I understand are basic mechanics of storytelling, and I'm only vaguely aware that there's more out there.
You guys actually look like you have your shit together. Anyone got an actual completed stories list?
I'm looking for some AnonXfucking anyone as long as it'scute. And I'm having a tough time finding anything decent or that wasn't dropped.
>>25605905
Well, developing style and voice is something that can only come from a lot of practice, because what they essentially are is an amalgamation of the variations in your own writing from what would be considered standard, declarative language. To use a basic example, one style of writing could be doing so mostly in clipped, precise sentences. Style and voice are developed when a writer has written so much that he or she becomes consistent. Instead of trying to imitate other people's writing, or trying to write by a guide or some critic's advice, you write by what you know you want to do, and what you know you're good at.
When you're at that point, the basic building blocks of writing a story are so intuitive and clear to you that they're hardly even worth discussing. For that reason, you feel free to play with them and experiment, either a little or a lot, and that's where different styles come from. Just going by the book, so to speak, will get you something devoid of vitality. It's funny this should come up now, actually, because I'm dropping a critique tomorrow that's going to be talking about this idea. At least, that's my plan.
>>25606079
Not I, unfortunately, though this is a good place to ask for that.
>>25606271
>It's funny this should come up now, actually, because I'm dropping a critique tomorrow that's going to be talking about this idea. At least, that's my plan.
Well, I guess it's a good thing I asked.You're critiquing my story.
>>25606719
Ah, I see. Then you have a good idea of what to expect.
>>25607038
Fairly good idea now. Still very much looking forward to it.
le uppe
>>25608063
danke
>>25603075
When it comes down to it, what most makes a story is conflict. Conflict is the driving force behind action and tension. Would middle earth be so much fun to read about if everyone were a happy bunch? Would there be any point to superman if he had no villains to fight against and challenge him and his ideals?
Twists help make an old idea fresh again, but in the end it's conflict that makes up the bulk of a story. Whether it's something as grand as a world-wide adventure or something as simple as rain keeping a character inside with someone they don't like, conflict is what makes it interesting.
So yes, there are definitely bad concepts.
>>25605905
You don't so much develop a voice or style, more you discover it. By reading and writing (or conversely, listening to and playing music) you discover what it is about it that you enjoy and you naturally expand on it. It certainly does take time and practice, but voice and style (which are basically the same thing) appear in even the earliest works, even if just slightly. I bet that if you go read some old stuff you've written you'll find something about it you're still doing.
Sigh, I have a story I want to get back to but know my grammar sucks, how do I find a editor to help me fix my errors?
>>25611578
I think I've seen you somewhere before... Who are you, good traveler?
>>25611637
Hey Fap, you don't remember me :P I was on the fingerbang skype.
Just finised the first-ish part of a green for AnonFilly.
There's something wrong with it, but I can't put my finger on what it is.
http://pastebin.com/Tg39Y32g
Maybe my comrade writefags can help?
>>25611655
>you don't remeber me
I kinda have seen you somewhere, and if not in the fingerbang thread, then in the chat, or people just talked baout you there, because I am in this chat since April, and... Well. I swear, you name is not alien for me, what is a good thing.
I wish I could help you with editing some shit, but, as you rather now, my grammar doesn't exist to underestimate the level of my failuring with that.
B-but, if you catch me on skype... who knows.: 3
Also, Fungabunga has got some problems recently, do you will to help it, or something? I mean, I know that many despise it, but some kinda loved it at some point.
>>25611711
You might know me by Rarislut? You helped me with minecraft? also sure can you give me a link, I will do what I can.
>>25611731
Fuck me. I knew I remeber that name. How are you? Why did you leave the chat? What happened?
>tfw still not sure are you Rarislut or not
>>25611761
My computer is dead, getting a new one (Hopefully) so using a friends computer.
>>25611785
Makes sense to me. My rusty laptop almost burns itself to the very core when I open two youtube tabs.
IKTF.
Anyway, I will help if I can.
>>25611805
How's it going in here?
Been seeing that Fapman trip everywhere recently
>>25611839
Here? Sad, but fine. My life a shit, I need a better microand voiceto record some songs written in the last thread...
Just fine...Then why am I sad?
>recently
Like someone said, I am a meme.
Damn, are you the Bumpman who... bumps, as I have seen?
>>25611702
If you can wait a while I'll take a look
>>25611890
>the Bumpman who... bumps
I am the glorious Bumfag who bumps the threads of /mlp/ which he finds amusing
My coming is a bomb that has no defusing
The great Bumpfag will come to the rescue of the ones that need seek help
How most probable are the threads that give me some kek
Even then, if you feel your thread is bad, don't feel regret
But if you're worried or if you are fret
Unless you're a Nyxfag or fan of some shit I don't get
May I kindly help you, needing no reward
Presumably the best present for me that you can award
Freeing, delicious and hot
A nice lump of dubs, I kid you not
Great meal, drink, just like the fallen foes that I have foughtNow read the first letter of every line
>>25611991
>need seek help
Blergh.
>of the ones that need seek some help*
>>25612003
God I feel like a retard sometimes.That's what shitposting on 4chan does to you, kids
>>25612153
It's ok, we all behave like kids from time to time.Some even are manchildren... But that's a completely different subject.
>>25612282
>/mlp/
>not full of manchildren
>>25612392
Hey, let me have my delusions, since they hurt no one except me.
Page 9 bump
>>25609731
something that can be resolved
the standard 4 types
man vs. man
man vs. nature
man vs. self
man vs. society
where man is a character with motivations that can be reasoned with, nature is a non-character force that cannot be reasoned with (which can be living creatures, such as the shark in Jaws), self is internal struggle (whether to overcome some shortcoming like guilt or just to make a difficult decision), society is the way things are in some group, whether it's things like cultural prejudice or governmental control
and typically stories will mix multiple conflicts in; putting your hoof down had some man vs. man (iron will as antagonist in wanting to collect his money), man vs. self (fluttershy with her assertiveness issues) and man vs. society (fluttershy dealing with the expectations)
>>25613012
ump
>>25614600
unf
>>25615224
she's too cute
Save
CAPTCHA: 404
>>25607106
I am writing the critique right now. It won't be very soon yet, but it will be up before I go to sleep.
>>25617444
Awesome. Can't wait.
>>25617408
>almost 404 post
newish writefag here.
When it comes to diction, is it better to use larger words and a more varied vocabulary or stick to simpler shit as to not completely befuddle the audience? Assuming of course, that I am able to make the story flow fine either way
>>25618916
Depends mostly on your personal preference, in my opinion. Just be aware that the more impenetrable your vocabulary gets, the harder it'll be for you to get a lot of readers. If you're okay with that, then definitely go for it. I think a heightened vocabulary can enhance the shit out of a story, if it's done tastefully.
>>25618985
Yeah makes sense. Thanks man
>>25619017
No prob.
>>25617671
You already got a taste of this critique, so let’s dive right in. This is a competent story that follows the precepts set by others of its type, those that handle this concept with better pacing and creativity. The whole idea of Anon helping Your Favorite out of a homeless situation is up there with the favorite story ideas because of its simplicity and elegance. It’s got a nice, feelsy premise, but not to the point where the author has to try to avoid edge. It allows for lots of one-on-one time between the two characters, and, most importantly, it makes it almost impossible for the pony or Equestria girl to wind up hating Anon by the end, because he’s their savior.
I point this structure out because I want to show that this story type is not popular for arbitrary reasons. This popularity also means that the idea’s been done to death, similar to Trixie redemption or Lyra X Bonbon, so for a story of this kind to stand out requires a good deal of embellishment or experimentation with the formula. In this story, I saw neither.
Most of what I have to say lies under the blanket critique “too little characterization,” which overlaps a good deal with “too little time elapsed.” I first noticed this issue on line 29, where Anon is having his first guilty thoughts at not helping Twilight. It’s okay, theoretically, for him to have these feelings, but, in a story where every reader knows what’s going to happen, such thoughts are more of an expected prelude to the big decision to go find her. That means that the thoughts wind up standing as signals that the plot is about to advance, you know what I mean? 1/?
>>25619510
So it’s not the immediacy with which he thinks the thoughts that I’m critiquing, but the immediacy of that signal of the plot preparing to be underway. Fewer than thirty lines in, and Anon is preparing to go track down the pony we all know he’ll be rooming with that night. And we do all know that, by the way; that’s the formula that the vast majority of these stories follows. Fewer than thirty lines in, and I’m supposed to care how this character, whom I don’t know one iota, feels about the poor, purple tramp, and that means that the first concrete thing I know about Anon is that he is incapable of withstanding even a little guilt. With this action being the first thing he does of any weight, it sets his character up to be monodimensional; it sets him up as being the exact kind of guy to fit the standards of the story, and nothing more or less.
By the time Anon has his workday, I still have not seen much of his personality. He’s generous, or perhaps susceptible to what he sees as social obligation, and that’s about it until line 231, where he suddenly wants to be a guard. Now, this is not in and of itself a bad thing. As far as exposition goes, this is a pretty good job of it. You mixed the straight background information on him with the action of him applying for the job, so it was substantiated well. However, the way you integrated it into your story was lacking. If Anon cares so much about this dream of his, why had I not heard of it before? 2/?
>>25619543
See, in a story, the order you mention things matters a good deal. The first thing you mention about a character, or a situation, or whatever will probably be the thing the reader remembers most clearly. First impressions and all that. So, with his guard desires being mentioned after his encounter with Twilight, they sound like they’re going to be ancillary pieces of his character, which doesn’t jive with how he tries to “use” Twilight to achieve those dreams later on. He winds up seeing her as a means to an end, but not an end that he seemed too centered on at the beginning, because, if he did, it would have come up pretty quick. See what I’m saying? This is why you need to characterize him before hurling him into the plot. If I had, say, five or six hundred lines of Anon going about his life, mixed with the light exposition that you did so well, then I would have had a much better idea of who he is, meaning his interactions with Twilight, even at the very start of their meeting, would have had some impact.
His interest in the Guard, eclipsed as it is by Twilight’s role in his life, seems an unworthy reason for him to push so hard at her to return to Celestia, which means that his actions later on are founded on something very flimsy. With a weak foundation, character actions can never hope to seem genuine, because the precedent for such action is set up in such a way that the audience has to continuously suspend its disbelief for things to make sense.
So Anon has a pretty weak character, but Twilight felt kind of empty to me. The only Twilight I saw in this Twilight was her love of reading, and one weird moment on line 143, where she’s suddenly all about tests before dropping the subject entirely, but all this only manifested in the fact that she has a single book, and got excited about research once or twice in her dialogue. 3/?
>>25619591
This is pre-friendship Twilight, but I didn’t get any of the sort temper from folks intervening in her business, or any sort of blind admiration for her goddess. Fear, yes, but not admiration. It seemed like the homelessness knocked all of the personality out of her, and, while that would be a viable option for characterization, you didn’t write anything to suggest that that had actually happened. Another thing that I didn’t see much of in Twilight was discomfort or displeasure at the condition of her life. She’s happy to get lunch and to go home with this stranger, but anyone would be happy at that kind of perceived kindness.
This feeds into a more general complaint, and that is that the choice to make Twilight homeless felt like a purely superficial change. On one hand, I got very little imagery of her condition, and on the other, they hardly talk about it. She talks about how she got that way, but not how it is to live like that. For how much you integrated her homelessness into her character, she could have been dying, or on the run for some hilarious cartoon crime, or made out of living crystals, and not much would have changed. So, because of this lack of vitality to her condition, her dark past wound up feeling, as Anon’s dream to be a guard, tacked on and overall unrealistic. She cries a little, yes, but tears are cheap in a story like this. If I’m not seeing the reality of her life, no sad origin story is going to make me feel it. 4/?
>>25619613
By the halfway point, five hundred lines in, Anon is then tucking her in for the first time, and it is at that time that I again noticed how quickly this story goes. Why there, and not earlier, you may ask. You would be right to ask this. In this story, things slowed down rather a lot in the sandwich shop (like lines 182-193; I don’t need any of this. I know what eating is), and only picked up again when he asked her to stay with him. I didn’t object to the speed with which he asks her to come home because that seems to be the standard in all homeless pony stories. The Anon in those stories typically ends up having this sort of dumbly impulsive spin to him, because he always asks the pony or girl to come home with him on the spot, and I think that’s okay, because it sets him up well for getting involved in whatever troubled past she has going on, which also always happens. That part of the model worked in your favor as it was.
However, once he’s gotten her in his apartment, that’s a good time to slow things down again. The initial apartment encounter is good for either revealing the painful past, if you want to jump the gun a little bit and eschew milking the readers’ feels on a mystery, or just getting more characterization done. How many times have I read Anon and his new friend deciding to order a freakin’ pizza and relax after the hectic day, and she winds up falling asleep on the couch with his lap as her pillow? I’m not saying it’s not cliché, but I’d take well-done cliché over emptiness and abruptness. 5/?
>>25619634
At line 557, you say that Anon can’t afford to waste any time, but I doubt that highly, and it, again, all comes back to character. He’s known Twilight for maybe a total of four or five hours now, and talked with her for some of that time. He knows her story, but not her, so why does he care where she went? Rather, why does he care so much that he’s exhausting himself to go chasing after her? From his perspective, this isn’t Twilight Sparkle, the pony we all know and love; she’s just some dirty vagrant he felt bad for and can use as leverage for his own goals. It was around here that I determined that you were simply following the formula of the other stories. I’d suspected it, but this was the confirmation I needed. At around this point in a different story, the Anon character needs to be scared for his new friend, because her troubled past probably caught up with her. That’s usually what happens in the story with the sad past pony. Here, you’ve got him being afraid, but the reasons don’t ring true, because there are hardly any. Again, he has no in-story reason to care this much about her, especially if she’s almost more trouble than she’s worth, per lines 604-605. I took special objection to those lines as well. What has Twilight actually done? She didn’t ask to come home with him. She didn’t take his stuff, or put him in the mind of using her for his Guard position. She just appeared, and he decided he wanted to play the gentleman, yet these two lines are played out like it’s some kind of litmus test for how devoted he is to the friendship. To this hours-old friendship. Are you seeing what I’m talking about when I say that this story is going too fast? 6/?
>>25619656
On line 639, and the brief passage that follows, you have Anon traipsing through the library as a continuation of his desperate search, and I found it an unfitting conclusion to the shit he’s put himself through. The problem, I think, is the tone you use when he figures out his plan. Once he determines that the book is due that day, he acts uncharacteristically enthusiastic about it. That vim might work for the context of the chase, but for his character, not really, because, repeat after me, his character is not well established.
On lines 739-765, this story woke up for the first and only time for me. Aside from the fact that it was rushed, I thought it was pretty good. I liked the shortness with which Twilight tells Anon what’s what, and I liked that she stood her ground. Even better, I liked that he had the sense to walk away from her, and actually realize that not everyone wants help out of their crappy situation. If you had brought Anon and Twilight to life better in the beginning, I can see this scene hitting really hard. The way Anon immediately backs off when she tells him that she’s too scared to make friends, and would rather be miserable and safe, I thought was the right amount of abruptness for that situation.
Meanwhile, lines 767-798 take it back to the same too-fast formulaic prose. This is the section where Anon has his satori, but the jump from reflecting about Twilight’s cowardice to his own disingenuous motives is too quick. Where’s the transition to that understanding? What triggers his realization? It seems to come out of nowhere as you have it now, and that’s no good. Think of it this way: if his problem could be solved with just a couple minutes of thinking, why did it take him so long to get to this point? Why did it take potentially throwing Twilight’s friendship away for him to reach this conclusion that he arrives at so easily now? 7/?
>>25618916
I guess it depends on the goal, really. I've personally been a proponent of striving for clarity first, and ease of reading second. I only like to use fancier words if there's no better way to articulate what I'm wanting to say. Then again, what's a strong vocabulary for if not to create exquisite locution? Larger, less common, words can give your words added weight and clarity, and can grab a reader's attention. When used in contrast to more common words, they highlight a moment or idea as being more significant, and they can add a little spice to the reading. Sometimes you just need to break up the monotony with an exotic word every once in a while. And sometimes, a story calls for a large vocabulary, because you require absolute precision in your writing. Like I said, it all depends. Those are my two cents.
>>25619705
This is the last example of going too fast that I have. Line 949, where it’s revealed that Twilight has decided to rejoin her princess and mentor. She seemed so firm in her stance when we last saw her; what changed? Why? I’m left to assume that Twilight had her own revelation, but it’s dangerous for a story to force its readers to assume something like that for a main character, because, if that assumption isn’t right on the money, then there’s suddenly a huge disparity between reader expectation and story content. My default, as a critic, is to assume as little as possible, so this sudden one-eighty in Twilight’s character was extremely jarring. Yes, this is an effect of me reading from my own specific context, and other readers probably won’t look as closely as I, but do you really want a story that needs its readers to fill in holes for you?
Now I’m going to switch over to some smaller details, then concluding thoughts. We’re almost done. Up to line 26, you’ve got something that I see quite frequently in more softhearted stories, and that is beatific imagery that does not reflect the rest of the description in the story. Beginning writers do this a lot when they want to set a pleasant, placid tone. They amplify the prettiness of the opening scene, sometimes only slightly, sometimes much more ridiculously. You had a good amount of restraint, enough that I considered not bringing this up, but I ultimately felt I should at least touch on it. When it comes to style, a good rule is to start as you mean to go on. Break away when it’s necessary, but try to keep pace with yourself in terms of your writing. Consistency is important.
On line 82, you have Mr. Saddle spout an incredibly inane, useless line. I didn’t see much in this story that I would consider to be useless, but this, along with line 911, are just statements of the obvious, and can be removed with no problem. 8/?
>>25619757
I’m wondering why you bothered to add lines 423-444. This is just recapitulation of Twilight’s cutie mark story, and any reader or writer worth his or her salt on this board knows that story already.
On line 851, you have Anon going to bed, but, looking at all he did that day, I think it’s kind of early. I mean, he woke up with the sun, went to the store for breakfast ingredients, ran around after Twilight for a bit, waited a couple hours at the library, had a heart-to-heart with her, and then spent a few more hours working with her doll. By my reckoning, it should be around mid-afternoon, not evening. This may seem like a small issue, but it means that you need to pay attention to the passage of time inside your story. This is different from the speed of the plot, which I’ve been harping on all along. This is the day-to-day passage of minutes and hours, and you need to keep track of it, or else you can wind up with characters packing massive amounts of work into one day, or the opposite. 9/10
>>25619786
Overall, this story was too rushed, with flat characters and too much significance resting on weak precedents. You have the overall structure right, if not rather plain, but you need to work on your pacing. Introducing characters before introducing plot is a much safer option, and what I would advise for you for future stories. Characters are developed through action and dialogue, not through exposition, and you need to be careful when choosing which things you reveal first. Remember, as with meeting a new person, the first impression is the most important. If Anon’s main goal here is to be a guard, that’s how he should start. He can change later on if you want, that’s no problem, but he needs to start authentically in order for his actions to feel realistic. Similarly, it is Twilight’s actions in response to her homelessness that will develop her, not the condition itself. I said that her dereliction came across as superficial because she didn’t act the part. When writing, really put yourself into your characters’ shoes. Ask yourself what it’s like to be in their situations, try to feel it for yourself, and write based on that. 10/10
>>25533906
>>25535171
What's going on with these?
>>25570240
You're on deck, Ice. I'll have a critique for you this Saturday, before my party.
>>25619807It hurts so good.
Thanks, little guy. There is a lot more here to take in than I was expecting, but in a good way. I'll have to go over this a couple more times to really chew and digest what you've said.
>>25619913
You're welcome. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.
How do you guys prepare a certain work and for how long does an idea tend to gestate before being put into words?
>>25619886
Copy that, sir. Looking forward to it.
>>25619959
I do have one question, and I hope it doesn't sound like me trying to weasel out of your critique. One common criticism I keep getting is that my stuff is formulaic. There are small details here and there where I try to put my spin on things, but I think I'm doing something original, and I never am. Do I go out and write an original story, or do I keep banging away at these tried stories until I get it right? Yes, we can get all "is anything truly original?" but you get what I mean. Do I keep doing these common prompts until I figure out how to make them feel fresh, or do I do something all my own? How do I know where I'll have more success?
>>25620051
i'll let you know when i get one out
So I really wanted to talk with you guys for a long time, but didn't have any time for it. Here we are, all threads are bumped, Ponyville is saved and all the stories are written.
What's the problem with cryptic stories? I have seen a couple of writefags go full Metroid on a green, amd never it turned out being well-received or even read for that matter.
Where is the line between a story where a reader can think about something that didn't make sense before and find out the writer's message, hidden deep inside the story arc, like M.A. Larson said, "things that imply life outside the script"? How to make it fun for a casual Anon stopping by and for the long-time poster in the general/series of threads? Making a green that appeals to the casual reader is, ironically, harder to do than a more complex story, or is just me? It's no fun writing /and/ reading a story when you both know how it ends long before it even started.
>>25618916
Don't you ever use big words just for their own sake. Use what you need to tell the story.
>>25611702
I FORGOT AAAGH
I'll get to it today, man
>mfw this thread.
Based ass thread right here. Y'all keep up the good work.
>>25611702
Alright friend, I know what's wrong with your story. It's completely unoriginal.
Your style of writing is so barebones that you don't glean much from the story itself beyond the fact that anon is probably in some kind of trouble and he's a perv.
If you want your stories taken seriously, you need to move away from that old style of greentext. If traditional greentext 200% memes is what you're going for, then all you should do is maybe make it a bit longer. One good thing about it was the red fur bit when anon got close. Showing and not telling is always great and I think that if you did that more it'd make for a better read.
All in all it needs to be longer to tell a good story no matter what, and I recommend you put a little more work into organizing your thoughts. You were all over the place.
3/10 git gud
>>25622947
I'm sorry I can't go into more detail. I'd be happy to when I get off of work.
>>25621685
>Where is the line between a story where a reader can think about something that didn't make sense before and find out the writer's message, hidden deep inside the story arc, like M.A. Larson said, "things that imply life outside the script"?
>How to make it fun for a casual Anon stopping by and for the long-time poster in the general/series of threads?
I am sorry, my friend, but it's not the knowledge I could provide even if I knew. These are the questions we all have to answer by ourselves, and to answer to them we need to, biblically, get lost to be found.
Just do your thing and seek for truth, after some time the answer will come, not easily, to you.
>>25622947
Thanks for not saying "make it longer faggot ur shit", so tired of that.
And about the "traditional" greentext, I guess I'm just too used to it, maybe I'll have to get on with the times.Good God GSW, it's >2015, write like it's a fandic with an arrow after every sentece
>>25622947
Also,
>you were all over the place
This is the idea of my Anon, just your average guy, always up in his thoughts, when the action of the story requires full concentration from him, reforming him for the better in the time of his tranformation; rather than the Gary Sue Anonymous, who appeals to mares, is liked by the pony society and can do whatever he wants, and the 322% edge type of Anon, where noponylikes him, takes him as a freak and such, driving the little human into a depression, this one is in more of a realistic environment.I write this like I actually know what I'm talking about
>>25624063
>Thanks for not saying "make it longer faggot ur shit", so tired of that.
Anyone that says this is a shitlord and should be treated as such. It's fine if you want to keep it short, but you need to get to the problem right away rather than at the end. When you write such a small story like that, it's important to establish the problem immediately to hook them, then bring on the jokes after that. If you made it longer, you could do a little more buildup before throwing out the problem.
All in all I think you can do better judging by a few things I noticed, you just need to write more.
and there's nothing wrong with traditional greentext other than the fact that it's been done for so long that it's gotten stale. If you want more readers, you need to do something else.
>This is the idea of my Anon, just your average guy, always up in his thoughts, when the action of the story requires full concentration from him, reforming him for the better in the time of his tranformation
That's what I figured, but like I mentioned before, what he was thinking and doing is unoriginal. You've got to give him some personality besides wanting some poon and his wacky thoughts. It's not realistic at all, at least not in the style you were writing.
Here's what I recommend you do away with ASAP:
Get rid of the explanation in the beginning, you don't need it if your story is doing its job, which is telling a story.
Stop starting stories with >Be Anon. It does nothing to drive your story forward. We all should know who the main character is in the first line, but it should also kick off the story, which you do on line 21.
If you're planning on continuing your greentext then ignore this one, but I also very highly suggest you stop using parenthesis. I think I mentioned to someone else here the same thing, but it makes it feel more like an essay than anything. It's not needed and it feels lazy.
luh u bby grl
>>25621685
>What's the problem with cryptic stories?
There's nothing wrong with being cryptic, just as long as it's dealt with over time. If your story doesn't have a full explanation for something that's been going on since its beginning, then it's just a bad story. As a reader, would you really feel satisfied with a story if it ended with questions unanswered? As a writer, do you want to keep your readers guessing, or do you want them to enjoy what you've written? You have to have faith that your readers will understand what has happened, but you must also understand that you need to put the necessary details in the story for them to do so.
>>25621685
>Making a green that appeals to the casual reader is, ironically, harder to do than a more complex story, or is just me?
Well, that depends on what you mean by casual reader, because that could be a lot of different things. If you want to make a story fun to read, it's as simple as giving the reader, casual or not, characters they can invest in. Readers generally want someone they can relate to, so naturally you're not going to have a story written for absolutely everyone to enjoy, but I feel you may be putting it on too high of a pedestal.
If you are worried about someone knowing how a story ends, then maybe you should read over it again and see where your story is leading the reader. Someone that doesn't finish a story to its completion because they -think- they know how it ends is a twat in my book. As a writer, you absolutely must put faith in your reader's intelligence, just as they must put faith in your ability to deliver a good twist to keep them entertained.
>>25625527
>You've got to give him some personality besides wanting some poon and his wacky thoughts.
Anon is really a temporary character, the point in introducing him is more of "before being a pone-pon" and "after", the main part of the story is Anonfilly and her feelings, transitioning from a mind of a grown-up human male to a teenaged filly, and the problems that come with being one.
Also I just updated the pastebin, I'm getting it to the end, being my first story in a general with a set theme rather than the only green in a prompt-thread.
>>25625670
>that depends on what you mean by casual reader
Literally the sentence before it,
>a casual Anon stopping by
I meant just a lurker, not knowing the whole story from the beginning, could stop by and enjoy a post or two, before settling in the thread and maybe contributing into it. For general-green threads, a writer having this skill could be a massive win, attracting more Anons to bring content on the theme.
>>25625884
>Literally the sentence before it,
Then my answer stays the same. You can't rope everyone in with a story, no matter how good it is. People will generally go for a story with characters that are relatable, and naturally not everyone will relate to the same things. You might get someone to join on the off chance that they see a post with something they're interested in, but the rest of the story might be bad. It's not a skill, it's just circumstance.
If you want more people to contribute to a thread or even to become a regular, just be helpful, friendly, and put out the best content you can.
>Anon is really a temporary character, the point in introducing him is more of "before being a pone-pon" and "after", the main part of the story is Anonfilly and her feelings, transitioning from a mind of a grown-up human male to a teenaged filly, and the problems that come with being one.
It's not much of a story then, man. How are we supposed to know the changes he's going through without knowing who he is beforehand? You can give those details out as you go along, but it will slow down your story. Even short stories like yours have pacing to them, and though you surely can't give every detail about anon's life in so few words, you can certainly give more info on him than what you've done so far. I think you've got some funny stuff in there, but that's about all I can say positive about it other than what I've said before.
I've read the update already, I had it up on my pc. It's more of the same. I don't think it's a bad idea, but it's executed poorly and I feel you could do better.
>>25626076
First off, it's not a short story, I didn't ever say it was.
Second, most of the Anonfilly stuff doesn't even have Anonymous himself included in the first place, even less personality-wise. He could be your stereotypical /mlp/ shitposter, it won't change anything and the outcome will stay the same no matter his personality.
When we're talking execution, I know it's not the best I could do. As I said somewhere around Anonfilly, I took a huge-ass break from 4chan, and with it, writing. I just need some practice and normal critique to work on the flaws and gather my old skills back, but the genre of my current green is kind of restricting, had I dragged out the intro/Anon to horse transition any longer, it would've been a huge fail.Thanks for at least paying attention
Bump-bum
Does anyone have any links, advice, framework, or method for worldbuilding an alien planet and culture? Specifically an aquatic one with MLP styled techno-dolphins.
It's going to be in the middle part of my story, so it won't be the focus as much as the world of Equestria.
And it's purpose is to force Discord to make amends with one of the other dimensions he might have trolled by before visiting Equestria and get a crash course in learning some technology skills.
Suggestions?
If not, then bump I guess.
>>25628016
sounds like something big
Starlight blocked another attack from the princess of friendship, though the alicorn weakened so did her own, she hated to admit it but soon her magical reserves would be depleted. "Give up Twilight, I.... I can't accept that a cutie mark should define a pony." She rolls avoiding a attack before countering. "It's your fault, you took my friends away" She screamed returning the blast.
"I never took your friends" Twilight screamed back as the beam sliced into her mane, "Those were never your friends you forced them to be something they never wanted to be, and your little filly friend chose a better life. You might as well blame Celestia for having a magical classroom" she jeered but her face went pale seeing Starlight's face. "Starlight no, you can't" her voice cracks as the unicorn opens up a portal to the past.
"You are right Twilight, I have been treating you with hatred but you were not to blame. Only one pony should be punished, and by doing so I will have my friend once more" Her laughs echo through Cloudsdale as she flies through the air into the portal. "Goodbye Twilight, soon we will both have what we deserve" the voice is silenced as she is teleported into the dark past.
>>25629007
"Not again" Twilight sighs as she flies through the portal following the pink horse. Slamming down into the ground she finds herself in the Everfree Castle. A light in the next room glimmers, a clue that she can't overlook. Peeking through the door, Luna was there alone… wait no there was somepony else. “Starlight” She whispers looking over at the shadowy pony.
“Oh yes Luna, I do want to help you if I can, Sombra must be taken do...” She is interupted as Twilight blast through the doors, blasting her hard even with her shield up. “You will not defeat Celestia you evil monster” She roars but then looks in fear as Luna steps forward to protect Starlight. “My princess, I… I didn't know she was listening, She must be a spy from your sister.” She smiles at the princess of friendship. “Does your sister fear you so much she must send in spies”
“DOESN'T THOUST” She asks Twilight, her eyes starting to glow, “THIN SISTER FOR TO LONG HATH FEARED ME, BUT IF SHE WANTS A MONSTER WE SHALTH SUPPLY HER A MONSTER” She roars as dark magic engulfs her.
>>25629060
“Luna no you can't” Twilight reaches for her and Luna looks up at the alicorn, “Luna is gone, there is only the night and the Nightmare Moon” Twilight tries to shoot a healing spell only to be pushed out the window from the castle and to the other side of everfree forest. She looks back and sees Celestia fire the elements at Nightmare Moon, locking her in the moon. “Seems you failed Starlight, this is how history played out” She sighs glad that time was safe.
“Oh is it now Prinecess” Starlight mocks as she opens up another portal, pulling Twilight with her to another time. Landing they are inside the crystal castle, “Did you know that two princess took down Sombra, I do wonder how a single pony will fare” A scream breaks the speech, and she lets Twilight go, best that she sees her mentors fall with her own eyes as she leaves back to the present.
Sombra laughed as he held his boot to the Alicorns neck. “For years I have amassed powers to kill even the princess of the sun and moon, but here I have but one” He smirks and a dagger plunges into her chest. “This is my favorite, the dagger of time. It will slowly steal away your life and add it to my own, even a immortal can die if you steal her life”
Celestia screams out as the dagger plunges toxic vile into her body. “O-others will stand up and defeat you, your evil can never win here”
“Others may, but others will fall. My empire will last a million moons” He puts more pressure on her neck, ready to end it when another Alicorn barges into the throne room.
>>25629098
“You are wrong” Twilight announces showing herself. “I am the element of friendship, and I will not allow you to win,” Leveling a blast that knocks the shadow pony to the ground and destroying the dagger. “I have stopped you before, well the future for you” Her horn glows, “And I will do it again” Her blast hits the king, only to phase through him. “W-what how did you”
He smirks appearing behind her and slashing at her knocking her to the ground. “You think a simple attack would defeat me, I took out the sun…. Friendship is nothing to the Sun, and it was destroyed by the shadows.” He lifts her up and throws her against the castle and slamming her down beside Celestia.
“I… I am sorry Celestia” She collapses exhausted and about to admit defeat when her cutiemark glows “T-the elements” She whispers using the last of her magic to grab the elements. “You are right, a Alicorn is no match to your dark energies” She slowly stands, the elements of harmony soon start to orbit her. “But I am not alone, my friendship has made me strong and thier magic is more powerful then even time itself” The elements begin to hover around her, “And we will not let your darkness ruin Equestria” Her eyes go blank and she glows, before a magic beam of pure light hits the shadow, splitting like a prism and shooting off to the corners of the Crystal empire, purifying it.
“Noo, you can't, I am immortal.” He screamed as his body faded and slowly vanished into the ground beneath his hooves
.
Celestia saw nothing else as she slowly passed out, but that would haunt her even as the toxic influence of the dagger of time slowly worked its way into her body for the next thousand years.
>>25629149
the rest of this is on FIMfiction, this is the spoiler chapter to start up the story.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/166524/sunsets-on-spike-sunset-of-canterlot
>>25619886
>What's going on with these?
I uh, never got a response. I just assumed he was too busy to follow through.
>>25620198
If you keep trying at these kinds of stories, and it's not working, I'd advise you shoot for something of your own making. Maybe prompts constrain you too much, I don't know. I'm not certain how to tell where one will have more success; I can't even answer that for myself. My best advice for this is to find an idea that you can get excited about, an idea you enjoy working with, and use that. If you can get a couple characters, or a plot, or something that really draws a lot of your attention, that's a good sign. It means, at the very least, the story will be written with enthusiasm, and not just to fill in a quota for practice. Passion does make a difference.
>>25629744
I will give you my thoughts on these later tonight, since the other person fell flat.
>>25630088
T. Hanks m80
>>25629744
I like the prose, and I like the tone. You do a pretty good job of choosing what to include and what to omit, and the story was quite streamlined for this reason. However, I really don't buy this Applejack. Of all the ponies in the main crew, I'd peg her as the least likely to kill herself. She's so stable, and so levelheaded, I'm not seeing why she would be incapable of adjusting to life outside Ponyville. It would suck, for sure, but if these girls are close counterparts to the pony friends she has, surely she would learn to live as a human. Plus, wouldn't she want to stay alive for the possibility of returning to her actual family? She's pretty strong-wiled, after all.
To address your question about terseness versus superfluity, I think your problem is that you're writing everything in an expository way, which makes your entire story distanced from its topic. The emotion that is in here is washed out through the use of past tense and brevity. That's brevity in the actual telling of the scenes, not the individual sentences. You don't linger on any one idea for very long, so everything whips by. Good for a tiny piece like this, 'cause it keeps it dynamic, but not great if you're looking to draw things out more. My advice would be to bring the focus a little closer on Applejack and Sunset, and give more detail on how they interact, how they approach the problem, and how Applejack specifically approaches the issue of her new life. They don't necessarily have to be logistical details, but pertinent bits of information to help fill out character. Maybe show a time when Applejack is feeling hopeful or something, or show her decline into suicidal depression with more clarity, giving us more of the steps she takes to get to that point. A greater amount of small to medium details like that will fill out the story a good deal, and it won't be quite as clipped.
>>25630674
I see. Thanks much for the input.
As for Applejack acting out of her character, I just *really* wanted to see how she'd react in a terrible predicament. She's my absolute favorite character in the show, and I am still not sure why I chose to break her apart that way. Even the prompt didn't necessarily dictate complete destruction of the character.
My terrible ~*headcanon*~ for her personality is that her every honest truth she tells has an honest fragment of sadness embedded in it, what with drawing her steadfastness from having gone through some sad events already in her life. Maybe some of that crept in inadvertently, forcing her to act differently than she otherwise would have.
Twas the night before Christmas, and shaking alone,
A girl named Sunset, in her single room home.
The storm outside worsened, and the lights were snuffed out
And poor freezing Sunset, who was tortured by doubt.
"I've been left and forgotten" said she though her tears
The solitude and winter, rekindled her fears.
"A friend to no one, so in the cold I must stay,
I'll be at peace soon, for I'll be gone this next day."
In her sadness and weeping, she missed the encore,
A myriad of knocks, sounding out from her door
From the door one more round and she heard the sound true.
So she rushed to the front with hope kindled anew.
Without a word uttered and her eyes blurred with tears.
She embraced the stranger while they spoke in her ears.
"I was worried Sunset, I'm so glad you're alright"
She recognized the voice, Twas Anon here tonight.
In one arm were wood logs, he would use to make flame.
In the other was food, too numerous to name.
She pulled him in swiftly, as to shut out the cold.
His stumbling had worsened while still in her hold.
Her grip did not weaken, as he laid down his pack.
When he took off his coat, she let down the attack.
But not a moment had passed when after he sat,
A bright smiling Sunset had pulled off his hat.
The food was still warm, and all the logs lit up quick.
When he sat down Anon knew he had done the trick.
Sunset was smiling, and leaning on his side
His hat on her head, oblivious to outside.
Her breathing was steady, and her warmth had returned
But to stay with her now, was all Anon had yearned.
When the clock rang the time, and he knew he should leave
Only a fool could want him, she's not so naive.
With his spirits all drained, and his self worth now gone
Her sat up as to leave til he heard Sunset yawn;
"I want you here Anon, so please tell me you'll stay,
I've grown tired of waking, alone here each day."
So Anon walked gently, and her warmth he embraced.
Twas the warmest of winters, either of them faced.
>>25628016
check this super awesome collection of notes out, my boi
>>25587198
>>25630797
Ah, okay. I think I get what you're saying, and you're very welcome.
>>25630928
oh neat
>>25630905
yes
Jigga rayuh
>>25629170
Ouch, being called a fag is better then the silence
>>25638877
I thought someone else had gotten to it, sorry
bumb
Absolutely dead
>>25646595
Yes
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