>>25313464
Tips and links:

Things you should know about before writing clop:
Vhatug’s tips for anatomically correct clop and squash soup:
http://pastebin.com/g4VpEg4f

http://www.literotica.com/s/erotic-synonyms (Because using dick, balls, and pussy just isn’t enough to get the reader off. Remember, the reader cums first.)
Had to. Puns are awesome.

Things you should know about writing:
Clever’s Tips on How to Write Short Stories: http://pastebin.com/GGBkxi7e
How to into writing: http://pastebin.com/V1ujiyJt
Writing rules from Navarone: http://pastebin.com/bnMmZ2T3
Ezn’s Guite to writing Fanfiction: http://eznguide.neocities.org/
Writing Book for beginners: https://mega.co.nz/#F!pwo21SKA!dljqCUmOhkwLX3x9_ApEgQ
Help for creating OC characters: http://www.dawnsomewhere.com/ocguide/

A few authors from different threads should you seek inspiration from their stories:
Flutterrape general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/eG8iY7Wy
Active AiE general writers: http://pastebin.com/mVG33ERX
PiE general’s writers: http://pastebin.com/Mgd0QuNy

>“How do I cure my writer’s block?”
Magic.
>“FUCK YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
There’s no one way to cure it, but, if you can’t write, you may as well read stories. There’s more to writing than writing; there’s reading too, and that helps. Check some of the links above.
Try the following (keep in mind this won’t work for everyone):
-Figure out when it’s the best time for you to write.
-Fap then write*.
-Write anyway, and allow yourself to write shitty stories. More often than not, the block is the fear of it being bad. That’s what editing is for.
-Seriously, drink coffee. It’s a writer’s best friend.
-Listen to music while writing.

*Unless you’re writing clop, then listen to your boner.

Bump

Damn I was scared when I couldn't find the thread for a couple of days.

>>25313893
I was tempted to put it back up last week, but it was only a day or two away from my weekend bender, so I figured I'd just wait.

So how was everyone's Halloween?

>>25314508
I haven't continued writing in days. The IRL stress is stealing my time.

Glad to see this back.

Also, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I experienced one of the most satisfying character arcs in a long time, and it came from fucking tales from the borderlands of all places.

>>25313464
This is a nice thread and I'm glad it's back.

>>25314508
Have fun, anon. Also, we don't celebrate Halloween here, but overall life has been good.

>>25314522
What's up, anon? You alright?

>>25314815
Do tell about it.

>>25314965
Dissertations, man.

>>25314508
Wild and sleepy.

Bumpsssss

Your broken art needs bending.

Slow boogie right now.
How's everyone doing?

Bumnp

Damn Moot two. Fucker needs to get his shit together.

Dude! I've missed this thread. How are you guys? How's life treating you all?

>>25318485
I'm being lazy, and life is nice and chill. How about yourself?

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/127159/death-and-fluttershy

I'm like, the only one who posts in this thread stories to review. Isn't that funny?

But, yea, review me.

>>25320619

>>25318485
Pretty good. Need to write more.

>>25314965
My brother came up for a weekend, and we wanted to play vidya together, and since he didn't have any multiplayer games, we decided to go through TftBL since neither of us had played it. Before we even began, we made the choice of making our character as much of an asshole as we could. We made it about halfway through before changing our minds. I'll give you the ark of our character. Actual spoilers for the story.

Rhys is a Hyperion employee who is obsessed with Handsome Jack, and wants to be like him in every way he can. It played well into our decision to make him a complete asshole (also, he has some robotic parts in his body, e.g. one of his arms, an eye, and a jack in his head to plug stuff into). Rhys was completely self-centered, and his motivation for getting revenge on his boss and climbing the corporate ladder is what pushes him to set the story in motion. Rhys' boss, Vasquez is set to buy a vault key for 10 million dollars, and to get back at him, Rhys steals the money from Hyperion to make the deal before Vasquez does.
This whole time, Rhys treats his friends, and everyone else like shit. Just as stepping stones to get what he wants. He's a complete jerk, but lacks his role model's charm and charisma, so he comes across as completely unlikable. Part way through the story, Handsome Jack gets stuck in Rhys' head (really, it's a Handsome Jack AI that Rhys accidentally downloaded). Rhys starts seeing how messed up and sadistic Handsome Jack really is, and it's kind of a wake up call for Rhys. This, along with making new friends who show some semblance of loyalty to him make him start to question whether or not being like Jack is actually a good idea (and this is when we were starting to feel guilty about being massive assholes).

>>25323349

All throughout the game, Jack offers help, and while being the morally questionable character, he's incredibly charming and likable, and his help is always presented as the most logically sound, and guaranteed to be successful, but with the risk of him backstabbing you, or having some consequence much later down the road. It created a lot of conflict for me and my brother to trust him, but we slowly weened ourselves away from him, and by the end of the story, Rhys was flat out rejecting Handsome Jack, refusing all his promises of power and wealth, which lead to Jack resorting to violence against Rhys to manipulate him.

So, all in all, it was nice to watch a character go from having a set of flaws that cause destruction, to him recognizing the error of his ways, but still being tempted to fall back into his ways at every step of the way (and sometimes giving in under immense pressure), to finally gathering the strength to fight against his temptations, and having the antagonist who's been the source of all these temptations go all out to get the protagonist to fall to his knees, only to see the protagonist stick to his guns and overcome his challenges and come out better than when he began. And even though I essentially had only a minute involvement in that process, it really opened my eyes to how to write an actual progression of a character.

>Hello, I finished a story, and if someone has time, a critique on it would be appreciated.
>I'm a beginning writer, and I think it's about time someone looked at my writing and said,
>"Hey, stop doing that. That's wrong.
>But keep doing that. I thought you did that alright."
http://pastebin.com/UmJLt8U0

It's a little too long to post in the thread, and to be fair I did get feedback from some nice readers on it, but not really criticism, which I think I need.

>>25324172
hmm ok

>>25317338
Boogied out.

>>25318778
Right away I can tell you are a phenomenal writer with the potential to be even greater, but your story was over saturated with unnecessary adjectives that did more to pad out the word count than add to scenes or the plot. Your vocabulary is obviously your strong suit, but sometimes a simpler word can be just as effective if not more so than a flowery one.

I also found the way you structured some sentences quite odd, examples being:
>"No movement came upon his bony mouth when the sound came forward."
>"pressed his white fingers on to each other until a loud cracking sound made itself known."
>"Fluttershy opened her mouth to scream, yet, no sound could be released"
just to name a few. I don't know if this has to do with passive voice or whatever, it would take a better writer than I to really diagnose what I find off with your writing, grammatically speaking. Or this is just a matter of personal writing style and I'm the weirdo here, who knows.

Your characterization of "The Creature" is all over the place. Compare
>"Sit still young one."
>"This future tells of a solitary existence of peace and tranquility"
with
>"Now, now, Don't freak out!
>"It was nice hanging with you, see ya soon"
There's a bit of dissonance here. Is The Creature an enigmatic cosmic being or a wise but casual old man?

>>25325884
Also, the title of your story is "Death and Fluttershy," I don't see the point to not just calling him Death. Really rains on the stinger at the end, "I met with death." Fluttershy also seems to get over her apprehension of Death incarnate pretty quickly, one sentence to be exact. So, Death tells Flutters one of her friends will die, then she promptly hugs him. We are talking about the Fluttershy, correct?

In fact, I struggle to remember any of Fluttershy's lines. This isn't a case of a character actively engaging in a story, this is a story happening at this character You barely make use of her, which begs the question why use her in the first place when she can be swapped out with a cardboard cutout of Waldo and the story would stay largely the same.

From a story telling perspective, I suppose you're setting up this story for some serious drama, but since it's the first chapter, I won't get ahead of myself and make assumptions. I just hope you can bring something fresh and new to this ancient as fuck table.

Besides all the above, there's the occasional capitalization error, misplaced comma, and odd syntax. Also,
>""Don't worry yellow one, It might not even be me that fate has in store for whomever"
This sentence is weird as fuck.

Lastly, you left out best pony when Fluttershy was imagining her friends' deaths.

Hey writefag thread. I would like to genuinely learn how to write stories. Give me real advice like how do I keep plot points consistent throughout the story without forgettinf about them.

>>25326436
Writing a story is the easiest thing to do. Anyone can write a story.

Writing a /good/ story however, is what's hard. As for my advice on keeping plot points consistent, is to re-read your work as if you've never read it before. You'd have to put on the Detective hat for things that stick out and it doesn't hurt to get a second opinion. A fresh set of eyes that read your work can really help you find things that you'll inevitably gloss over.
You have to pay close attention to character choices, their behaviors, the world around them and what's happening in it. If you can manage to keep the situation realistic in said world, you won't raise any red flags or plot holes.

Also, stay away from Time traveling in writing stories.

Hey /wfg/, how do I develop a voice in writing? My attempts at writing just lead to me writing in detail what is going on, and the style is dull and unexciting. The content is hit or miss, but my writing style is consistently boring.

>>25326503
If you provide a sample of your writing, I might be able to see what you're on about.

>>25326519
Here's the last thing I wrote, some clop greentext for that slave pony thread: http://pastebin.com/XFRwbiS7

Can provide some more stuff if you need something non-clop to judge.

>>25326552
This link is just fine, I'm giving it a read right now.

>>25326585
Thanks for taking the time to read through it, anon. Looking forward to your comments. Please be harsh and critical.

>>25326834

Not a problem, but I'm going to focus more on how you can hope to develop a writing voice. I'm just now finishing the proofreading of my post.

As for your clop, my advice is try to remember to include all five senses, try to _feel_ the scene, take note of the minor details, reactions, cues, and try not to repeat the same terms for sex parts too much within the few lines.
Clop is damn hard to write, I've had a tough time writing it, so I get it.

>>25326864

Right off the bat I see what you're getting at, everything here seems vague and in a rush.
You even referred to the slaves as "the blue one" and "the orange one". What you need is to give character to the surrounding and setting, and to the character's themselves.
We might all know the names of "the blue one" and "the orange one", but to at least have the slaves give their name's isn't too much to ask for, even for a clop-fic. Having them being referred to as such comes off to the reader that you're not putting in the effort to write an engaging story. It's impersonal and really shouldn't have gone on for as long as it did.

But, to be fair, I can see how such a thing could work if the character that calls them that is part of his personality.
"You, blue one, go do that thing I was telling you about earlier."
>"Ugh, I have a name you know. Would be too much to ask to remember it? I'm Rainbow Dash."
"I've got enough on my plate, any effort on my part to learn your name is a waste of brain space, now go do the thing."
>"Fucking. Asshole."
"Whatever you say Dash."
>"I thought you didn't know my name."
"I just deleted it. Now go do your job, damn."
Seriously, I'm going to have to experiment more with that, seems fun.
1/2

>>25326878

What I suggest to you is to try painting the picture, you have to get personal with the setting and characters, but keep in mind to not go overboard with so much details it'll exhaust the reader and force them to say "GET TO THE POINT!"
Now, keeping sentences short and to the point is fine, but if you're looking for a voice, you have to make a conscious effort that a story should sound natural when spoken out loud. That there should be more color and flair in your writing that reflects who you are without drowning the audience in your ego. It could be how you hyperbolize something that irks you personally. A particular way how you describe things as if you want to tell a damn good joke.
In short, if you're trying to change your writing from dull and boring, take a few pointers from stand-up comedians. They make a living off telling a story from they lively use of language.
Keep in mind, you are the one telling the story, it doesn't matter the point of view, you'll inevitably has some kind opinion on a topic bleed into your work, and that's not a bad thing.
Take a break from writing from time to time, and read some books that are written in first person. Listen to talk radio. Something will resonate with you.

Now, with all that said, lurkers, don't be afraid to weigh in on the discussion, I think this Anon could use more than one opinion on this matter.

>>25326878
I see what you mean about referring to them. I tried going towards a dehumanizing/deponying thing, but it looks like it came off repetitive and boring. The dialogue also adds a lot to the color, and I tried to work with a traumatized pony that didn't talk - how would I be able to make something like that work without it being utterly boring?

I like your example, and while that wasn't what I was going for, it's already a lot more interesting. A lot of my stories lack dialogue, and I think it might be because of my rushed pacing, and trying to get to the end too fast. I think my next ones will be more dialogue heavy, to get some practice in.

>>25326891
Do you have any tips on getting the right amount of detail and pacing? I've found myself on both extremes, either too many details or too few, but usually too few.

The comedian and talk radio tips are interesting, and something I haven't come across before. I'll definitely try it.

So, in short, more details, more personal, more personality.

Thanks so much for all your tips and comments, anon. I totally didn't expect as much.

>>25327037
>I tried to work with a traumatized pony that didn't talk - how would I be able to make something like that work without it being utterly boring?

Right off the top of my head, I would have Anon ask if she had one, and if it was apparent the pony wouldn't speak, I would have Anon give her a name anyway.
Roughly along the lines off:

"So, what's your name?"
>"..."
>She shifts her weight back and forth while averting eye contact with you.
"You do have a name, right?"
>Her mouth opens to speak, only to fall silent, then looks at the ground. Her attention now on her left hoof that's drawing a circle on the floor.
>You straighten your back and cross your arms and take a moment to study her.
>Her dirty blond hair looks like it's seen better days.
>After uncrossing your arms, you snap your fingers.
"Alright, you're now Dirty Blond from now on. Got it?"
>A slight nod from her let's you know she understands.
"Good girl."

Something like that would've been find, it shows a little more interaction between the slave and the master.

>I tried going towards a dehumanizing/deponying thing, but it looks like it came off repetitive and boring.

While the idea isn't a bad idea in itself, that can do is try to work on character's expressing that attitude to let the reader know what kind of world they're in.

For example you could've had the slave trader explain why the was so dirt cheap. Calling her "damaged goods," or anything remotely degrading.

>Do you have any tips on getting the right amount of detail and pacing? I've found myself on both extremes, either too many details or too few, but usually too few.

They key is to cut out details that don't advance the story. You could describe what kind of wood the floors are made of, but that would be going too far. You need just enough to help the reader along, cut out any kind of redundancy.
The question you have to ask yourself is, "Is it really necessary for the reader to know this?" If not, cut it out.
1/2

>>25327154
Oh jesus my spelling is all over the place, I'll have to fix that.

>, WHAT can do is try to work on character's expressing that attitude to let the reader know what kind of world they're in.


Anyway, like I was saying, there is no shame in using few details, that's fine. Except in clop, details are key in clop scenes, although if it's on the context of just a down right animalistic lust surge, a little less detail could convey the complete disregard for being fancy and romantic, and the utter need to get off.


And yes, seriously, look into talk radio, and stand up comedy, it really helps give you a grasp of how one could express themselves in verbal language.

Also, body language is just as important and can say twice as much than words. Facial expression, weight shifts, eye contact, touching and just about any kind of human reaction is just as important. To me, it's one of the best ways to have a character "Show, don't tell." Physical reactions provide a window of what one is thinking.


That being said, seriously, have fun with it. You might want to go to social events from time to time, pick up on how people react, and you'll get a better understanding of how to have characters act and their choice of words.


Glad I can help you.

>>25327154
>>25327204
Thanks a lot! I'll keep these tips in mind and practice with them. You're awesome, man.

File: 18btw.png (174 KB, 386x331) Image search: [Google]

174 KB, 386x331

>>25327294
Anytime fellow writefriend.

I'm putting on my trip so you could ask for me if you have any further questions.

File: magic.png (70 KB, 320x320) Image search: [Google]

70 KB, 320x320

I have been a writefag, but mostly for the feels of it.
I think the following are my best stories.
http://pastebin.com/JRb3XDU3 Because it puts anon in actual emotional instability. I mean, you gotta have him cry sometime.

And http://pastebin.com/SVSCJXKg Because I acutally decided to make a random scenario into what a lot of Anons here hope will happen: That they find such good friends as the cast Because even in this dark world we all exist in, which slowly takes out lives every time we breathe, we all need a shred of hope just to smile and think about the uncertain future that appraoches. Or we just need magic.
Lots of magic.

>>25318508
No complaints, just work and university to keep my mind occupied. I write when I can, though.

>>25322764
I know that feel.

>>25325884
>>25325988
Well, alright, thanks for the info.

Dumping story idea in case anyone got the drive to write.

>The Ponyville Shenanigang! A group led by the one and only Pinkie Pie with the intention of making everyday life in Ponyville more exciting and less dull outside of her usual party. Basically a compilation of short stories focusing on comedy because shenanigans.

I've started into some creative writing as a release valve from technical writing (fuck thesis writing)

Wrote this off a prompt from /bug/.

http://pastebin.com/Yw5g1SEW

Comments on style and pacing welcome. I tried to finish it as a stand alone thing, because most further content I could think of was being silly little vignettes that would work better as maybe a webcomic format. Spelling is probably all over the place too.

>>25331450

>>25329077
that's a fun idea

File: zEjHEW3.png (29 KB, 754x510) Image search: [Google]

29 KB, 754x510

Poll time
Which character do you see authors fumble the most? i.e. which are often written out of character?

>>25324172
Now this is sizable. If you're comfortable waiting around, I can have a critique for you on Wednesday of next week.

>>25327421
What exactly are you looking for here? Do you want critique, or general impressions, or just to advertise your work?

>>25329961
I try to keep this a first-come first-serve paradigm as much as I can, but I can do your story tonight. I'll have my thoughts up before I go to bed.

>>25334801
I'm thinking Fluttershy. I see her dumbed down and silenced to the point where she's basically useless a lot, if the plot doesn't immediately shove her aside. I'm thinking a close second would be Dash; that brazen attitude often becomes simply tsundere or complete posturing.

tossing around a few ideas, can't decide if i want to try and combine them or make a few separate stories.

>no anons involved

the first being a picture of that time quote with majora's mask. the "man alone fears time" thing. also a song i heard the other day and the extra pinkie ending from BFEQD.

the last two I think I could do, but I've been really trying to use first for a while but I couldn't decide.

also, anyone have any ideas? i just feel like writing.

>>25334801
>That cap
Reminds me of the Gunnery Sergeant Anonymous in Equestria threads.
Those were good times.

>'she is a pure maiden'
>"CARE TO SAY THAT AGAIN, I DIDN'T QUITE HEAR YOU!"
Everytime, it like my sides don't belong to me anymore.

>>25335093

If you can get to it, I would appreciate. It's been a... sadly long time since I've done much creative writing. Probably 8 years or so. Science pushes one to do lots of technical writing.

>>25336076
So, your pacing is good. I have no complaints in that department. However, the style left a lot to be desired, and I’m wondering why you chose to end your piece where you did. As diverse as Anon in Equestria stories can be, they usually start with the same one of two things: Anon makes it to Equestria through either some convoluted or contrived circumstance, or the story just ignores the grueling exposition and hand-waves the premise. It seems to me that you’re trying for both.

You’ve got an extremely weak explanation for why Anon has wound up in colorful horse land, and it’s mixed with the very cavalier style of writing that I associate with the stories that choose to hand-wave it. It looks to me like that is what you’d prefer; the interaction between him and Chrysalis speeds along so much that I really got the impression that you were trying to blaze through the introductory stuff so that you can get to the more interesting middle part of the story, the vignettes you mentioned. At the same time, though, the exposition is so minimal that you’ve left a ton of room for the very interactions I think you’re trying to power through. For this reason, details like no one paying Anon much attention after the initial encounter, or Twilight somehow being too busy to study him, come across as extremely weird. There’s a reason that he got there, but all explanation dissolves when it’s time for the plot to kick in. In other words, his circumstances in Equestria are too convenient. All alone, edge of town, no ponies interested in him, despite what came before; it would be so much easier and smoother if you just headed the story with something like “after a month or two of living in Ponyville, Anon had adjusted to life with the ponies, and they him.” Bam. Premise made clear, no pretenses of hard explanation, and tons of room to play with your characters without worrying about a constrictive past. 1/?

>>25337558
What all this means is that the story so far is just an overly quick beginning, where the characters are introduced to the audience and each other, and the plot is set up, but nothing actually takes place. As a beginning, it’s pretty good, minus a couple weird plot bits I’ll get to, but, as a whole piece, it’s just a tease. It’s enough to get the audience intrigued, but not enough to deliver anything they haven’t seen before.

So let’s get back to the idea of hand-waving the premise. The reason that doing that is acceptable with Anon in Equestria is that that genre takes up the vast majority of stories, and everyone knows how they start by now. I’m not saying that stories that do provide explanation are necessarily lesser, far from it, but you need to make that choice at the beginning, else you risk flip-flopping between a casual style, which is fine, and poor explanation, which is not. If you decide to provide a more substantive reason for why Anon is in Equestria, then you’re looking at a story with a slightly slower pace. If you decide, instead, to dismiss the explanation and just tell us what’s what up front, then you can very easily keep your zippy writing.

There are a few other problems, though. On line 106, I’m wondering why in the hell Chrysalis is even in Equestria. If she’s the queen of the changelings, and as powerful as she states, why is she not sending some kind of liaison after Anon? I know, I know, the story is about him and her, not him and some low-level drone, but there does need to be some explanation about her presence there. 2/?

>>25337573
The question you should be asking now is: why do I need to explain Chrysalis’ presence, but not Anon’s? As I said, you can hand-wave an AiE premise because they’re so common, but anything beyond that needs explanation, almost without exception. Everything that follows from the starting point needs to be there for a reason, else you’ll look lazy, at best. Things like Chrysalis’ inexplicable presence are plot holes, where a hand-waved premise is a mere skipping of accepted drudgery. It is here that I should point out that hand-waving the premise is dangerous outside of plopping Anon in Equestria. If the premise is too complicated or unique, then dismissing it can be just as bad as leaving a plot hole in. This critique is not meant to be an argument for skipping the introduction.

There are two parts of your story where you switch over to Chrysalis’ perspective, and you do it so briefly that I found it unnecessary. The tiny insights into her mindset you gave me can be easily conveyed through further dialogue between her and Anon, and that would be done without distracting line breaks or subject parallaxes.

To address your concern on style, I’m not seeing anything here to differ from the standard humorously casual model. Anon refers to ponies by their meme names, never seems more than annoyed, and doesn’t show any firm convictions one way or another. He’s a perfect goofball everyman that countless humor writers have used before, and the only mote of intrigue I see in him is his potential alcoholism, which, so far, you’ve only used to establish how he wound up in an audience with Chrysalis. 3/4

>>25337591
So, overall, this is a competent story that could lead to some funny encounters, but the differences in your tone and explanation style make it come across as threadbare and erratic. You need to straighten out how you serious you want it to be, and then work on fixing the minor plot holes of Chrysalis’ presence in Ponyville. Also, while there weren’t too many spelling issues, you do need to capitalize your sentences. Leaving them lowercase just makes the story look sloppy. 4/4

>>25337077

>>25335093
>Wednesday of next week
That's an awfully specific time, but yeah. Thank you.

File: 1441564482934.png (112 KB, 1080x562) Image search: [Google]

112 KB, 1080x562

>>25326474
>Also, stay away from Time traveling in writing stories.
May I ask why?

>>25338656
Involving that in any kind of story increases huge chances of a plot hole happening.

For an example, watch the TV series called "Misfits", you'll see.
Also, aren't we all a bit tired of Time Traveling Tropes anyway? I'm all for watching a good episode of Doctor Who, but that's different.

>>25335093
I'll have to guess.... that I wan Critique?
I mean, I just want opinions. I honestly want to know what the other guys feel or think when I write these shitsack stories.

>>25338721
Thanks. I was planning on making use of it in a story, but from what I can tell there is still ample room to reroute.

I'd rather go with something less... dangerous.

>>25337558
>>25337573
>>25337591
>>25337596

Thank you kindly for your feedback.

I think some of the issues comes from a fear of working with canon characters with established personalities, and worrying about completely cocking them up. Its why I moved through some stuff so fast, and its one reason I stopped when I did.

As for chrysalis, yeah, I definitely could do a better job of coming up as to why she was there. I think I was trying to imply she has personal interests in particularly unique (possibly important) individuals, kind of how in ACW, she took the lead in the infiltration of Canterlot.

> but the differences in your tone and explanation style make it come across as threadbare and erratic.

I think this is what I am the most worried about. Trying to consolidate the technical, dry method I have to use while doing professional work, and more interesting prose that comes with creative writing. Thank you kindly for your comments. Its good to get feedback on that kind of stuff.

Boomp

>>25339236
Just keep at it! Practice makes... if not perfect, then improvement!

Bumping for interest.... back in school we had to write stories about a specific thing teachers always said i had a talent for such things never really understood why though i wondered if i could atleast try to write about ponies

>>25341926
I remember that sort of thing

>>25343714

>>25340766
Firing those out of a cannon?

>>25338433
I try to be as specific as I can so that readers are never in the dark on when to expect results from me. I work forty hours a week, and have an active social life on the weekends, plus a gigantic story of my own that I work on every day, so critiques tend to come pretty slowly. I never want anyone to think that I've forgotten or dismissed them, nor do I want to allow myself to slack off by giving indeterminate targets.

>>25338730
If you wait until tomorrow, I will have the time to read both stories and formulate some opinions on them.

>>25339236
You're welcome. Professional writing can really hurt the creative process; that's a feel I know in a very minor way. Definitely keep practicing.

>>25346914
>a gigantic story of my own
link?

also bump

>>25347561
The effort of multiple years.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/169736/the-center-is-missing

>>25347756
47 chapters shiet man how long have you been writing that that's just impressive to say at least

>>25313464
BUMP

>>25347756
wow

File: 1142691_large.jpg (1 MB, 900x1164) Image search: [Google]

1 MB, 900x1164

Are there any good ideas for a Christmas horror greentext any would like to share?

File: 1446832596838.jpg (57 KB, 567x561) Image search: [Google]

57 KB, 567x561

Bump.
Also, hypotheritcal prompt:
What if an Anon was brought into the world to help fend off a dangerous returning evil only to figure out he was used by the very mare who had brought him over merely for his strength to ensure a stronghold on her kingdom? Or even worse,
What if his presence caused even more chaos?
I'm pretty sure there's gonna be some goodies coming out of those brains at some point.

File: image.jpg (90 KB, 618x667) Image search: [Google]

90 KB, 618x667

>>25314508
I was just about to ask in the Skype I'd i should revive the thread, having not checked the catalog in a few days. Wanted to give it a break since it died prematurely. Whelp, back to work!

>>25352410
Isn't it kinda a thing like Submission is Mandatory?

Aite /wfg/, I've wanted to do this for a long time, but didn't have the courage or some nice material to put here for you to read.

I've been writing green for like 2 years now, but last year under some unfortunate circumstances I stopped browsing 4chan until last month, and when I started on a short story for a small prompt-thread, I felt somethig was clearly wrong, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

Writing and pleasing Anons has been my passion for 6 years, and with this I just can't bring myself to write another line.

Help a silly little Bumpfag, glorious Writefags.

http://pastebin.com/sJ5g9Dkd
If you seriously read it, ty <3
This is some of the longer greens I haven't finished, mostly because the original thread died and I couldn't find a place to move it to.

>>25352410
Could be interesting.

bemper?

bamper?

bomper?

>>25353571
good luck

>>25327421
All right, tea with Rarity. It's short and sweet, and I'll bet it got a ton of feels replies. The writing is solid, the language good. The idea is a tad generic, but I don't see a lot of people actually write it out more than your garden variety "she will never be real" posts, so that's okay.

You said in your post that you wanted to give Anon some emotional instability, but I'm not getting that impression in a very large way. He seems a bit off, but not really that bad. He has the capacity to feel hopeful without any external reason, and he knows how transitory, but potentially powerful, his imaginary buddies are. Seems like a regular dude with an active fantasy life to me. The story is still okay, but if you wanted Anon to seem kind of messed up, I think you missed the mark. I'm gonna read the dead Rarity in my home story now, and be right back with my thoughts on that.

>>25327421
Ooookay, dead Rarity. Let's talk about edge.

I mean, it's a fucking edgy prompt, so this wasn't entirely your fault. All the artsy, sophomoric vocabulary and style got cloying pretty much immediately; it was like you were trying to turn this minor prompt into some kind of Proustian ode or something. The dialogue was also very stilted, what with Anon basically explaining his supposedly deep and hellish feelings in these cogent, well-reasoned paragraphs, and Rarity responding in kind. It felt more like two characters acting out a scene than actually talking to each other or experiencing the sadness that is supposed to be implicit in this kind of event.

The description was so brief that nothing stuck with me, but you also failed to add any real insights or new facets to the "tragic death of a friend" story. By the time Anon woke up from his dream, I was just like "oh, okay." No relief, no surprise, nothing. This is the kind of thing that benefits from being slowed the hell down, so you can linger with your character and properly explore the emotions, not just list them off in dialogue and move on.

I'm noticing you ended both stories the same way. The fantasy dissolves, and, in the light of day, everything is suddenly better. You need to watch out for that. It's already a pretty generic way to end a sad story, and if you're repeating yourself, then there's a problem. Why not try writing something a little longer for a prompt, so you can get some practice with something more substantial? That may make it easier to explore your writing abilities. Prompts like this are poisonous, because they appeal to the most superficial, surface-level expressions of extreme emotion, like those Humane Society commercials that show pictures of abused dogs.

>>25357561

Well, I am attempting a fagging at this stuff: >>25348644

So needless to say, a longer prompt wouldn't hurt, But I feel I'll be missing some sort of critical key thing there

But I am trying to put ome decent feeling behind these stories and make it to the end without missing some key details.

>Generic ending.

That was kinda how I felt about that prompt. I mean, being diagnosed with sme serious CD never helps, and when you write, you just reflect, ya know? But I will try to change in order to provides some better fagging for this.

Thank you for your input.

>>25357643
You're welcome, and you're right. The prompt was generic. It was generic as hell. You could still get a great story out of it, but the effort would be pretty huge.

I think a larger story might force you to slow down. That's my hope, anyway. Keeping an easier pace in a story allows for a lot more character development, which means feelings can come through much more easily.

I'm trying to write a scene where one character is sick, so the second character is feeding him soup and tea, but I'm at a wall here.

I've been stuck for months on this point, because I just can't see how a unicorn would levitate a spoon of soup over to a sick person sitting on a chair. It should be easy to see, but I can't picture it.

It's NMM starting to show a more lovey-dovey side, still trying to play it off as her being tough and efficient. Those mannerisms are a bit of a challenge at the moment.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to approach it?

>>25358249
Hmm, that's a puzzler

>tfw start a story on fimfic
>it gets popular
>really popular
>featured and everything.
>keep writing.
>suddenly fuck it up.
>life also fucking up.
>cancel story and try to forget it ever happened.
>months later, wondering if I should return and finish it.

These are the worst feels. I hate artists/authors who are totally wishy-washy about canceling/finishing work and I promised myself I wouldn't be THAT GUY...

>>25352410
Well, I probably won't write anything, but it did give me some thought as to how I would approach it.

I'd make it really tempting for Anon to continue on the path of destruction. I wouldn't make the act of being a warrior/conqueror enjoyable, but the admiration, the power, the sense purpose and status, and the image of being a hero, all get to his head. To keep what he's got, he'd go through stages of rationalizing his behavior.

>>25358981
>writing a story in parts
>not just writing a full story and posting it bit by bit

File: don't stop.jpg (110 KB, 598x752) Image search: [Google]

110 KB, 598x752

>captcha: 404
Not today.

Bumper

Bumpster
Last one

How to describe pirate ships?

Eh.

>>25362198
Booty calls.

>>25360583

I was only just barely half-way finished and it had already hit over 80,000 words. That took me about a year and a half to write.

>>25364813
I see

>>25358249
You can't see it, meaning you can't visualize it, or you can't figure out how that scene would work for your character? If the latter, then it would be worthwhile to consider changing the scene. You might not have to, but having a tough time imagining it is sometimes a sign of it not fitting with the rest of your idea. If the former, maybe try imagining her first as an earth pony, using gross physical movements to feed the sick character, and, once you've got that, replace the physicality with magic.

If I wanted NMM to soften up slightly, I'd cut her dialogue by a large percentage whenever the other character is around, to make her actions seem a little more reluctant. When asked, she can be clipped and more acerbic than she usually is; the two of those things should show that she's uncomfortable for an unspecified reason, which is a good prelude to a character break like that.

>>25362198
Depends on a lot: what kind of ship it is; the setting it's in; whether it's friendly, antagonistic, benign, or menacing; what kind of crew it has; the characters viewing it. A basic description of how it looks and sounds is a good start, though. Webs of rigging draped from the creaking masts while winglike sails open to the air. The proud bowsprit with its maiden figurehead beneath, crowned with the large wheel and a grizzled/charming/whatever captain. You know, regular imagery.

episode day!

>>25368769
is she really tired

File: Get to it nigga.gif (1 MB, 350x313) Image search: [Google]

1 MB, 350x313

An inspirational gif I think?

>>25370409
Y-yes, I should

Slooooooooooow
Boogieeee~

>>25313464
When you say "pre-written", do you mean the entire story should be completely done from start to finish?

>>25374468

It's okay to posts chapters or parts of a story that you're looking for critique on, and entire story is fine too.
But making up a story on the fly is what we don't need. It takes up time that someone else could be getting help for.

Bumpy

>>25374512
Ah

>>25374512
The thing is I'm in the midst of writing it now.
I know OP said you prefer to have posts instead of a pastebin, but I've already got quite a bit done. Although now that I've figured out where I actually want to go with the story, I'm trying to figure out a more efficient writing format.

I've been reading stories currently being worked on by FulLR3tarD and Strayanon. And while I try to follow their examples, I want to tell the story from a 3rd person perspective. Also there's no Anon character in my story, therefore I haven't been using any black text to differentiate who's saying what.

So I wind up following or preceding each piece of character dialogue with: he said, he told them, he explained, he continued, he went on, stuff like that. Naming the character who's speaking every time, to make sure the reader can't get confused about who's actually talking. And I'm really not happy with how repetitive that gets.

Any advice would be welcome. And if you'd like I can post the pastebin link.

>>25378634
u shud

File: READ A BOOK NIGGER.jpg (151 KB, 894x894) Image search: [Google]

151 KB, 894x894

>>25378634
I had the same problem until I started reading other author's books.
Not pony fiction.
Actual books.

I examined what they did, and while he/she said was used, they also implied that someone said something by using a simple dialogue and not interupting the flow of dialogue, or having a person doing a small action before he speaks.

Sometimes, if you do your dialogue and characterization correctly, you can even tell who is speaking by how they say things, cutting down on the amount of speech tags you'll require.

Applejack examined Big Mac flowing the fields at their farm. "You're doing fine, sugarcube."
"Ah-yup."
"Just don't forget to turn left."
"Yup."
Applejack saw that Big Mac was soon heading for another rock. "No! Take the other left!"
"Make up your mind AJ- I mean- Ah-yuuuup."

Mind you, it's more difficult when there's more than two people, so speech tags are more necessary and you'll want to differentiate characters via dialogue more. I'm no expert on that, so I'll just advise you to steal what the best authors have to offer.

>>25380154
http://pastebin.com/HDRN9TNr
Thanks in advance for your time.

>>25381247
Also, I started out using a script format for the first couple posts.
That didn't go over very well, so I switched things up.

>>25380660
On the shoulders of giants.

Boop

Goodnight

>>25386067
Same.

Bumps

Gonna make my first attempt at converting a story for FIMFiction. It's typical human bangs pony smut, but I'm curious, do they care if you call the human character Anon or do they want you to have a name?

>>25390214
Just put a trigger warning in the description.

>>25390214
Are you going to post the link here? I want to see how shitty it is.

>>25390380
I can post the raw pastebin version if you'd like.

>>25390214
There isn't a rule that says you can't, just know that a lot of people are against hard self-insert humans in stories. Just doesn't sit right with a lot of people and I don't blame them. Makes the whole thing kind of sad because when Anon stays nameless, you can at least still think of him as a fictional character. Give him a name and we've got a guy/girl just straight up fantasizing about fucking the ponies and writing a story about that fantasy.

>>25391207
Thanks. Just making sure. I didn't intend to name him at all, was making sure that was kosher over there.

>>25390477
I'm interested in the "converted" version.

>>25391353
Always this condescending?

>>25391690
Didn't mean to be particularly, but eh.

>never written before
>make green for a thread when inspiration randomly hits
>getting positive feedback
>get 5 or 6 posts deep and it 404s
fuck

>>25393562
Ain't THAT a bitch!

>>25353571
Shit, I just realized no one responded to you about your story. If you're still around, I can critique yours after I've done >>25324172.

>>25390380
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/299328/a-dozen-strawberries
There ya go

>>25396533
>>>/trash/4755

>>25396533
Heh, my bad. Didn't mean to quote your story there. Just using quick reply.

bumps

Hey little guys and big guys, do you wanna help me work on a new pony show? That means new places, new magic, new wildlife and new characters.

>>25397808
Go on...

>>25397808
A new pony show...?

Can someone list the most famous writefags on /mlp/?

>>25398987

Someone probably can.

But why?

>10

Yeah not letting this thread die just yet.

So I've finally learned how to keep my pacing consistent.
Step 1. Allocate only 500 to the beginning scene, go back and edit it till you get the desired length.
Step 2. Write your plot points in one piece so you don't forget them and ruin it with plot holes.
Step 3. Add extra execution scenes in between the plot points.
Step 4. Enjoy your well paced and well structured story.

Bump. I'm looking for cutesy s1 luna stories.

Is cosmic horror ok here or do you get shitty edgelord crackfics like that all the time?

>>25398987
>fishing for recognition, the post.

>>25403314

>>25338433
Okay bud, tomorrow is the day that your critique comes. Let me know you're still here, so I know I'm not posting this thing for nothing.

>>25400899
Sounds like a pretty good structure. Nice.

>>25401755
We don't get shitty edge as much as you might expect. Go ahead and post it.

>>25401755
I say go ahead and post it if you got it.

>do you get shitty edgelord crackfics like that all the time?

There was this one edgelord crackfic that can't be out done, I promise you we've seen worse.

I'm curious about this Cosmic horror

>>25404317
>There was this one edgelord crackfic that can't be out done
You talking about the one with Dash and the meatgrinder topped with gratuitous sex?

>>25404872
Yeah, I think it was a Simba x Dash thing with bloodplay.

>>25404880
That story wasn't edgy, blood play makes sense if you know what a cats penis looks like, it's just our token "WHY!?" story. That and the anon who broke his pone mothers mind, convinced her she was a dog, and fucked her repeatedly. Both by the same guy, if I'm not mistaken. Any new guild mates must read these stories before they're allowed to join the group. Roxi said that Dash story was close, but still not Simba x Dash levels of "WHY!?".

Edgy or not, post the story. We're here to help, not be biased and reject because of the content of the story. Sure Roxi and I have our preferences between, but we still critique fairly.

File: hampic4.jpg (29 KB, 489x590) Image search: [Google]

29 KB, 489x590

>>25404316
Yeah I'm still here, I might not respond right away though. Thanks for doing this, from what I've read so far in the thread you seem to be damn good at this.
current mood: nervouscited

I'm gonna bump.
But my deleting bumps limit is exhausted.

I'm gonna bump again.

Good night.

You stupid shit.
Just bump it.
Because I am asleep right now.

File: 1429311515206.jpg (72 KB, 600x582) Image search: [Google]

72 KB, 600x582

Repost

An old Anon browsed /mlp/ one long and lonely night.
He had a tale that would endure but had no skill to write.
When on that page, a constant thread, about a writer's guild
Talking bout making threads, and how talents they build.

The others posted greentext and the tripfags did advise
The words were without malice and the Anons there were wise
A spark of motivation and the Anon posted there
Typing as fast he could, cuz he knew he had to share

Bump-ie aye aaaah
Bump-ie aye yoooh

Writefag's Guild, is home

The story's long, it's plot makes sense, it's a diamond in the rough.
The Anon puts in all his heart, but sadly not enough.
For the posts of those around him tell him words he cannot bear,
Tells him that his stories bad, But thanks him that she shared.

But one Anon gives wisdom and he makes the words hurt less
"When it comes to reading, the reader mustn't guess
Of who's the one that's talking, and to whom he replied"
And with those words of wisdom, the story did survive.


Bump-ie aye aaaah
Bump-ie aye yoooh

Writefag's Guild, is home

>>25408767
nice repost

>>25405622
you mean, this one?

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Kppc0KZEL7aUG-qsNrGfi0QVAF0Ofcv8k8a04XHkpos/edit

>>25405622
That is true, I'm not biased against any story. It's just that particular one stuck out in my mind.

>>25405622
Wait wait, heres the full one.

Sorry. The other one>>25410418
wasn't complete.

Here it is.
http://pastebin.com/tSyrnZBu

>>25404316
>>25404317
I'll post it in a while. I got a bit through it in a thread before the thread 404ed and I'm trying to finished it out and refine it a little. Just wanted to see if it was alright here before I put a ton of effort into it and then got shot down.

I have a serious problem with using the same word multiple times. I used the phrase "a bit" 4 times in this post before I rewrote it.

>>25410833

Alright, we'll be here waiting for it. Also, we don't shoot down anyone here who sincerely are looking to improve.

>>25406249
Sweet. I'm working on it now. Don't expect it soon, but it will be up before I go to bed.

>>25406249
I’m seeing three main problems here, and they’re all compounding one another. Merely unraveling this story took some doing on my end.

It looks like you’re trying to write two stories at once for the majority of this. On one hand, we have a collection of goofy Fluttershy episodes with a more serious touch, which is a fine direction in which to take that whole idea. Showing a more realistic emotional response to Fluttershy’s psychotic obsession makes for some interesting character reading, and, on its own, it could have been a pretty good story. On the other hand, we have Anon developing an attraction to, and, later, trying for a serious relationship with, Lotus. To disastrously oversimplify this whole critique, you have a problem with disparity of tone; the tone you use for the Fluttershy sections does not mix well with the one you use in the Lotus sections.

Your use of flashback during his trip to the spa is good and effective. You don’t linger on any one thing too long, and, at the beginning, you’re writing Fluttershy’s fetishistic japes with a pretty cool hand. Once I hit lines 449-517 and 519-552, though, things got unprecedentedly strange, and I could tell that there was more than simple oddness going on. Fluttershy was going above and beyond to amplify the craziness, and, in the context of the flashbacks, that means that I got a double shot of insanity in the middle of Anon having a pleasant, if not somewhat anxious, time with his good spa buddy. At first, you were incorporating both parts of the story fairly well, but this extra absurdity threw the whole thing off, and the intense wavering between the serious and the wacky made this story impossible to read as one cohesive item. 1/?

>>25413083
That was how it started. Before the plot had even really fully kicked in, before the first thousand lines had passed, the story was torn between two directions. When lines 984-993 came along, it was yet another move in tone, totally disrupting the weird Fluttershy stuff. I mean, I think it’s good that you have them start out as friends, but I question the placement of the friendly flashback. Up to this point, Fluttershy has been exclusively aggressive and psychotic with him, and it feels really weird for me to suddenly see her in this positive light. I think it would have worked better in reverse, that is, if you had started with the nice flashback and let me see how Anon’s relationship with Fluttershy soured over time.

This is around the point where things really started getting tangled up. On line 1121, I find Anon’s comment about looking forward to spending the rest of his life with her to be fairly contrived. Given the amount of completely normal praise that he gives her for helping him so much, I don’t see why he would choose to end it with what sounds like an assumption of marriage. That kind of statement would only come from some pretty heavy attraction, and I don’t think he was ever into her enough to warrant it. He may have been interested at times, but enough to want to spend his life with her? I don’t see that. The reason that this part is where things start getting trickier is because this is where the second major problem comes in, and that is the idea of the forced relationship.

You seem to understand that a relationship is often very messy, but your own story doesn’t reflect that. Yes, problems arise, and arise frequently, but that alone does not make for a mess. Anon’s relationship problems tend to crop up with impeccable timing, and resolve fairly rapidly, minus his Fluttershy thing, which is the third problem that I’m getting to. 2/

>>25413120
Let’s start right at the beginning, with line 13: Aloe is dead. That was a hell of a bomb to drop on me right off the bat, but I’m not complaining; if you’re going to do something like that, do it early, I say. However, I then waited for around twenty-five hundred lines before that bit of information was mentioned again. I’m referring, specifically, to lines 2510-2681.

What this suggests to me is that you’re using Aloe’s death, not as a device to shape Lotus’ character and make for a more interesting story, but simply to get her out of the way for Anon to have a clear shot. To be clear, deciding to kill her off initially for that reason alone is perfectly acceptable, but you need to actually use that decision fully. I would think, given how much time we spend listening to Lotus’ and Anon’s conversation in the spa at the beginning, some more information about her dead sister would be a good idea, if for no other reason than to not leave us readers in the dark about this sudden plot point. Instead, though, you let it remain completely unused until you needed it for your serious talk about her past, and that’s not how it works in reality. If her sister’s death meant anything at all, it would not be something you could easily shunt to the side and store for further use, like a prop in a movie. 3/?

>>25413145
The question you should now be asking is, how do you incorporate something like that more fully for a character, like Lotus, who has almost no canon character to build on? How do you make it clear that she’s the way she is because of her absent sister, and not because you just happened to choose those personality traits for her? Some of it would be simply stating small differences, like “Lotus grabs your hand gently, the gusto she had shown it in the past faded.” Things that invoke the passage of time, and its diminishing effects on a pony’s personality. Another trick that I sometimes use is to mention something that Lotus does right after you remind the audience of Aloe’s departure. So say Anon turns to his side and descries a little framed picture of Aloe through the open door to Lotus’ office, and, as he does so, Lotus’ massage pauses for her to stare into space. There’s nothing at all that says she’s doing that out of sadness; she could be just trying to remember whether she needs to pick something up from the store before heading home, but the use of those things together puts the idea of a connection in your head. That’s just two ideas; there are other ways you can incorporate the death more holistically. Or, you can just say “fuck it” and have Anon ask her about Aloe a whole bunch, if subtlety’s not your bag. 4/?

>>25413177
So with Aloe quietly out of the way, the stage was already set suspiciously well for Anon to swoop in and find love on his first try. Once I hit line 1431, I knew that I was looking at something that was much too streamlined to be a realistic romance story. How in the world can you say that he loves her when he hasn’t even asked her on a date yet? I see the premature love a lot in my readings, and it always leads to the same thing: a writer doesn’t want to deal with the weird, indeterminate medium bits of a relationship beyond showing that they can be difficult. I think I know why, too. Relationships are not completely interesting. Their beginnings can be pretty cool, and characters getting their bearings is sometimes worth writing, but, after that, the only worthwhile thing in most authors’ minds is the Huge Problem that threatens it. All the interim is passed over, because all that is is a series of dates, get-togethers, banal conversations, and sex, with no real drama to speak of. The thing is, you still need to mention this stuff before you can start throwing the L word around, else it’ll look like you just got impatient to cut to the chase. If you waited until after your big flash-forward to start saying that Anon loves her, that would have been fine, but you show no restraint, and it makes his romantic arc look like yet another tawdry teenage love story. 5/

>>25413205
It is, of course, here that I must back up and say that it’s perfectly okay for your character to use that word in dialogue, as long as you make it clear that the character’s and the author’s voice are different. If Anon says he loves her before asking her out, and Rarity and Fluttershy share an incredulous look, that’s fine; it then becomes immaturity in Anon, not a flaw in your writing.

Those things alone made the relationship aspect seem like it was rigidly predetermined from the get-go, but the sex (lines 1882-2191, roughly) drove that idea right the hell home. First of all, it was one of the most abrupt love-making sessions I’ve read. I could almost believe the kiss, though that was seriously pushing it, but when they broke immediately into plowing each other, I was caught really, really off guard. Remember, he hasn’t even asked her out yet, which means that their relationship has had no time to develop except for his weekly spa visits, which means that she has had ONLY that time to just so happen to develop the same feelings, with equal intensity, for him. That’s like hitting the lottery the one time you decide to spring for a ticket, and I wasn’t buying it, even after your flashback with the dead Aloe.

Are you following what I’m saying about the relationship aspects seeming forced so far? To recapitulate, we have Aloe being dead to give him easier access, the premature utterance of love from the author, and out-of-nowhere sex to seal the deal. The only difficulties Anon has had to deal with in regards to this relationship are from his own nerves and from the external force of Fluttershy. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten the bitch. 6/?

>>25413220
Another issue I saw with the sex was that, from a tonal standpoint, it really didn’t gel all that well with either of the other two stories you were writing up to that point. First, standing out at a robust three hundred lines, this is the longest continuous passage I had at that time, which meant that it kind of steamrolled the more broken up flotsam of Fluttershy antics and serious character interaction. I had, until the banging, his insane pegasus friend and his nascent relationship with Lotus to worry about, so for you to hit me with this colossal bolus of sex in the middle just felt wrong. We had a bounce between semi-goofy fetish stuff and straight-faced talking, and then—BAM—porn. And yes, I would call that porn; you put too much love into your descriptions for it to be something different.

Lotus also decides that she loves him abnormally fast (around 2460), and I bet I know what you’re thinking: wait, you just told me it’s okay for a character to love someone early, ‘cause it’s their immaturity, not mine. Do you remember that little tip on pairing ideas that aren’t explicitly related, to make them seem that way for the reader? That’s what I think is happening here, because you’re hypothetically correct; there is nothing technically wrong with what Lotus expresses. However, coming on the heels of Anon’s incongruent love, it seems just too perfect for Lotus to be right there with him. It’s possible that she really is immature and loves him for no good reason at this time, but that doesn’t matter, because I’m already associating her feelings with Anon’s. The explicit precedent creates implicit resonances in the associated object. Now that’s a hell of a self-satisfied sentence. 7/?

>>25413236
In that same area, with Lotus trying to figure out what has Anon in such pain, I thought it strange how direct she kept being in asking him to tell her, given all she says about being able to get ponies to let her heal them while thinking that they’re only being pampered. If she has a softer touch, then why am I not seeing it here? Moreover, on line 2507, she’s coming across as a little too one-note with this whole “healing process” thing. The way she codifies her feelings for him, all in the context of just wanting to make him feel better, it makes it seem like she thinks her only purpose of late has been to dab at his wounds. I know she takes her job seriously, but she’s also an individual, and there’s no way she’s got so little a sense of self that she lets others’ problems define her goals.

Later on, once their life has been pretty well established, you introduce the looming threat of infidelity. It would have been a fine move to make, if you had not resolved it so quickly and simply. I think Lotus’ accusation of him cheating on her is the most artificial of all the relationship pieces that I read, and the reason is somewhat complicated. She bases her claim on the fact that he’s always rushing to get the mail before she does, and, then, on the mailmare’s comments on their conversation at the door, before mentioning the other mares’ looks and his missing bits. However, the way she bursts forth with these hurt feelings makes it seem like her suspicion is something that came suddenly, which isn’t helped by the fact that it comes after not even a single in-story day of them being together. Remember, I haven’t read any of their interim, meaning that any steadily building pressure or stewing feelings are not going to be apparent to me. 8/?

>>25413256
For that reason, Lotus’ claim, while having the appearance of coming suddenly, is based on facts that could only be gathered after a long period of time. Moreover, because I haven’t seen any of that happiness beforehand, this cheating concern does come at a time that is too exact, too perfect for the plot to make the relationship feel organic. Plus, Lotus didn’t seem like a suspicious pony to me before, so having her freak about this, now, was odd.

Let’s switch over to Fluttershy for now. I know that there have to be certain liberties taken with her personality for her to fit the Flutterrape model, so there are bound to be some problems when you try to import her into a more serious story—a good reason to avoid doing it in the first place. However, I think turning Fluttershy’s brain into what is, essentially, a light switch for most of the story was about the least elegant way you could have done it. On lines 1353-1374, you give me a misunderstanding that is tangential to the primary misunderstanding, and it stuck out at me. It took me a while to realize what the issue is. In a lot of places, but this universe especially, a hug is kind of a conclusion to itself. The fight resolves with a hug, or the argument ends with a hug, or the character stops feeling bad with a hug. Therefore, having Fluttershy up and hug him in the middle of his faux pas, only for the conversation to carry on like before, came across as kind of a false fulfillment. The gesture itself seems meaningful, but had no affect on the conversation. This is pointing at what I would shortly realize is Fluttershy’s hair-trigger sexual obsession, which, for a funny story, would be great, but is an apocalyptic mood-breaker for the serious edifice you’re constructing. The solution, in my mind, is to remove the hug, and make the confusion on which pony he’s in love with to be more understated. 9/?

>>25413283
That is a fairly minor example, but the issue it connects to is not. Simply put, I think Fluttershy is too unintelligent and too flat. Up until the very end, her entire character seems to be built on this modular, on or off system, where she’s either trying to crawl across Anon’s dick or withering away with misery for not being able to do the former. I feel line 1455 illustrates this well, paradoxically: “I’m so glad I came back.” Anon hadn’t even left the room, and Fluttershy was falling apart, and for what reason? Is she so incapable of other feelings that she can’t even hold herself together for ten measly seconds? Line 1616 does this too. Never mind all the talking, explaining, and exchanging of feelings that came literally seconds before: as soon as he pops a boner, all of her insight into the situation is defenestrated, and she’s back to her old self. In the beginning of the story, it was just a switch in tones that bothered me, but, once you start having the Flutterrape collide with the Lotus relationship, Fluttershy’s personality itself turns into a constantly fluctuating soup of difficulties and dishonest attempts at change.

And then she pulls the freakin’ Stare on him. I had actually forgotten about it until you mentioned it, though I’m wondering why she never used it earlier. Desperate times, maybe? I actually did like that section, because it took her rapey personality to a logical conclusion, and with unavoidable implications for the characters. However, immediately after, I was left very wanting. Anon is so apologetic in this story, and I guess that’s okay. It’s a personality trait I hated, but it’s not a flaw, exactly. Line 1764, I think, is, but just a small one. You choose to have him say that even Fluttershy has gotten over the relationship, while Rarity is holding her back from trying to molest him a second time. 10/?

>>25413301
That leads me to this: Anon may be apologetic, but why is everyone else so seemingly nonplussed by what Fluttershy is doing? Why is Twilight so comfortable using her magic for these creepy fetishes? Why is it that no one has questioned the weird bullshit they’ve surely seen her up to? Why is it that Rarity only expresses horror from surprise when Fluttershy starts mind-breaking him, and not any actual moral impetuses? She’s more shocked that Fluttershy is being assertive, and not that she’s using that assertiveness to take sexual advantage of the one and only alien life form on the planet. Does everyone else, like me, think her so stupid that she can’t be held responsible for her own actions? I phrased that in a tongue-in-cheek way, but, let me assure you, characters who refuse to acknowledge when someone else is acting out of character is one of the worst plot holes you can have, because it basically means that whatever’s happening in your story has little to no actual significance. If that’s the case, why tell it at all? Why bother? If Rarity, Twilight, Dash, and friends don’t care about what Fluttershy does, then why should I? The testimony of a single victim is not enough when we have a whole town full of un-offended witnesses.

So what I wind up wondering, by the end, is how in the world you justify Anon still calling her a friend. Forgiveness is one thing, but she had been systematically ruining his life for a long time now, and I need more than a prior friendship to explain why Anon is able to get over this with what seems like ease. All the anxiety and self-doubt that he shows Lotus, where is that when he’s talking to Fluttershy? She’s always breaking down, and he just swallows his own feelings to allow her to steal the show. I know he’s kind of a pussy; I get that from his interaction with Lotus. 11/?

>>25413323
However, it takes a special kind of pussy to actively pursue friendship with his rapist, and I never got the impression that he was THAT messed up. She apologizes at the end, yes, but that’s only after it’s been established that they’re friends, so there has to be some other reason he’s still comfortable with her.

I’m going to hit on some details now, and then we’re through. On line 999, why does Celestia have lit candles in the afternoon? Are there no windows? On line 1421, I actually really liked this metaphor. It stood out as particularly sensitive and descriptive. On lines 1820-1822, I don’t think you need to reiterate his excitement at the fact that she was thinking about him. Before he got caught up with Fluttershy and Rarity, Lotus said she wanted to hear that question later, and I think the reader probably remembers that. On line 1958, how do you know how he’s making Lotus feel so specifically? Then, on lines 2012-2019, in the middle of their screwing, why did you add this aside? I think it would be better if you had moved it to some after-conversation.

On line 2206, I think you can afford to settle down. You don’t wax poetic on ordinary objects anywhere else in this story, so having you make a little paragraph on the bowl of water stuck out. On line 2992, you have them walk into the sunset, despite that Anon just woke up. I think you mean sunrise, no? On lines 3064-3084, among others I didn’t note, I’m noticing that it’s taking Anon forever to actually start opening up about his problems. That got kind of tiresome after a while. With your grammar, you need to stop putting a comma before the mention of names. For instance, on line 1282, you say “You’re suggesting that, Fluttershy—”; a comma doesn’t go there in that context. 12/13

>>25413348
If you’re mentioning the character, but not addressing them, there’s no comma before the name. Lastly, I didn’t really care for the loose structure of some of your dialogue. Having some verbatim pieces broken by summaries of what was said made the dialogue feel sort of chunky and awkward. A little is okay, but you had it way too much.

So, overall, between Fluttershy being an estrogen-powered rape machine and Anon and Lotus have been predetermined by fate to fall in love, this story was a medusa head of problems springing from a pair of good ideas. I liked the ending, and I thought that the final line was pretty strong, but it was small consolation after all the mismatched tones and plot devices that came before. Your use of flashbacks was good, especially when talking about Lotus’ filial loss, and the Flutterrape segments, on their own, were fine. It’s just that nothing combined the way I think you were hoping. My recommendation operates on the premise that you want it to remain serious, since that is the way it ended. If that’s the case, then you’ll need to make Fluttershy less of a dumb tool for conflict, and find a way to rationalize her incredible attraction better. You’ll want to either move the sex or lead up to it more carefully, so it doesn’t just arbitrarily happen. I’d like to end this on saying that this is the first serious AnonXLotus story, and that had me pretty excited. The spa twins are personal favorites of mine. 13/13

File: my little irrelevant first thing, increasingly elaborate and unlikely comparisons are magic.png (1 MB, 640x960) Image search: [Google]

1 MB, 640x960

What a haul that was. I have to get to sleep. Peace out, thread.

>>25413386
Sleep tight little guy. I'll keep an eye on the thread.

File: 1937_1107_kkat_brick_500.jpg (33 KB, 420x144) Image search: [Google]

33 KB, 420x144

>>25413361
Well we both wrote more than one thousand words, but here's a picture anyway. I think it sums up some feelings.

I don't know if you'll be disappointed, but I don't really have a lot to say. I think it would mostly just be excuses and the like, and that's just a waste of time. I don't really want to go back and edit this anymore than I already did, I'd rather just cut my losses and move on to a new story.

I have one last question, and I don't know if this is unorthodox, but I was wondering if I could put this critique in my pastebin. There were a couple people who liked this story, and I'd really feel bad if they decided to write and repeated my mistakes. I'd of course give you writing credits.

Anyway, I'm going to read this over and over and over again, and then probably again, so I can make sure I understand everything. Thanks a ton for all your hard work on this. If I ever post another completed story here, hopefully you will be able to tell that it wasn't in vain.
>>25413386
Good night.

>>25410503
Yep, that's the Simba one alright. Mandatory read if you want to join and critique with the guild. "Officially" critique that is, like being in the Skype group and such.

>>25413726
>>25413726
can I join the skype group?

>>25413525
>I don't really want to go back and edit this anymore than I already did, I'd rather just cut my losses and move on to a new story.
This.

>>25413747
Sorry, kid, but they didn't even accept Fapples in their group of elitists.

>>25414027
We actually intended on inviting him months ago

Double Bump

>>25414579
what happen

>>25416651
Somebody set up us the bomb.

>>25416651
>>25416710
Easy now, The Collective are watching.

File: Discord Wizard.png (513 KB, 632x757) Image search: [Google]

513 KB, 632x757

>>25416763
Are they? Good, because I have some kinks to be showed.

>>25414579
Wait, was I? What? Waht?! Where, when, how?
I clearly remember that some Anon has refused that privilage to me just like >>25414027 said...

Hmm...

File: Octavia Facial TFTG.jpg (228 KB, 1200x694) Image search: [Google]

228 KB, 1200x694

... OP, might want to check that MEGA link out. It is dead as a doornail.

Moving on to more relevant things, I am going to drop two old stories and a little brainstorming secession I dd in TFTG.

One is of the blatant self insert variety, written in a time of alienation. The other, superior one is a slightly unorthodox shipping between Applejack and Spitfire.

The last is a brainstorming prompt of a kind.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/56247/of-olden-times-long-past-an-introverts-perspective

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/83612/farming-in-the-icy-inferno

Oh, and an old bonus of the Conversion Bureau variety, a little twist on the shipping between Vinyl Scratch and Octavia.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/62292/the-conversion-bureau-losing-grip-on-humanity

Currently canceled, but I am tinkering with the idea of playing around with reviving it in a new form.

The brainstorming is archived here. https://desustorage.org/mlp/thread/25203720/#q25277196

I want it to be scrutinized and torn to shreds at the slightest error made. Suggestions on how to improve it would be nice as well.

One more thing. The here is the older version of the Octavia TFTG clopper story that the brainstorm in question as for. https://desustorage.org/mlp/thread/25080280/#q25138859 I have since made additional modifications to the story based on some of the suggestions provided in that thread. Updated version currently here. https://www.fimfiction.net/story/299697/test-story-1

Password is October.


>Note: I am aware that I am breaking the "one story at a time rule" in a way. In this case, I advise you to take out the AppleFire story as your sole priority. The rest is optional if you prefer.

>>25417031
ah

Is depression a good time to write?

>>25413525
You're very welcome. I'm not certain I've been asked that before, but yes, you absolutely may put my critique in your pastebin. Good luck with your future writing; you're always welcome back here.

>>25417031
Spitfire and Applejack, huh? So, since we're right next to the weekend, there will be a bit of a delay in my critique, but, if you're okay with waiting for it, I can have it up by Wednesday of next week.

>>25420861
Can be, if that's what gets your creativity going. It can pretty easily lead to self-insertion, though, so be careful.

>>25421585

Bit of a long wait. But that is fine.

Just post it to the fanfic link as well so I actually get wind of it. I might miss the thread.

>>25422018
I lead a pretty active life, so my deliveries tend to come slowly. Plus, as you can see from what I posted last night, I have a good amount of content to create in these things. I don't like the idea of plastering my huge critique on your story, so how about I ping you with a comment when it's ready here?

>>25422063
That is fine.


Either that or you can PM me.

Both would be nice if possible.

Take your time if need be.

>>25423035

>>25423769

>>25422063
Roxi, you still have other people to help you. I'm thinking of taking this one. Log into Skype, man.

I save this thread for the last time, fags.

Invite me to the damn chat.

>>25425842
not in?

>>25426683
I'd like to be invited to the skype chat.

My name is Skitzo in skype name.

Emergency Bump.

Bumper

>>25426683
Never been allowed.

>>25431721

Baaaamp

Why is it we never see poetry or limericks on /mlp/? I feel we need writefags for this.

>>25434510
It would be nice to see.

>>25434573
I'm halfway tempted to do it, but it's been so long since I did any poetry I'm afraid it'd be edgy as fuck.
And that's the EXACT opposite thing I want.

>>25434598
Only one way to find out, I say go for it. No harm in being a little edgy.

>>25434510
Poetry is for faggots

>>25434736
Oh yeah, and you'll get shit like this.

>>25434654
Well, fuck it. You brought this upon /mlp/.

>As the sun rises once again,
>Bringing in the newest day.
>I'll never forget my pain.
>As I look upon the children as they play.

>Fillies and Foals, frolicking happily.
>As I turn towards the blade,
>Which I smote the queen with, reluctantly.
>And memories flash, like the edge of a spade.

>She desired love,
>She desired care,
>And shining like a dove,
>My sword did what I had not dare.

>Reluctance as I see her blood drip,
>And fear as I watch life fade.
>On the sword, engraved on the grip,
>"Give your soul to the priest before the end of days."

>So I stand here once again,
>Day after day with that lie,
>It'll spill before my life's end.
>And I know it'll cause me to die.

>Treason and treachery will ensue,
>And I'll stand tall.
>"That soul belongs her, and not you."
>And only after, I know I'll fall.

>She's standing behind me as I think,
>And knowing I spared her out of my heart.
>Where did I go wrong, and where did my ship sink?
>I never was wrong, because I'm only human, fully, not part.

>A queen amongst a hive,
>Somepony I'll never forget,
>And Chrysalis is already mine,
>Even when I saw her fret.

>She won my heart, and now my will.
>As I will never run,
>I'll let her know she's mine, if fate be ill,
>As I shall prepare for whatever may come.

>"I love you," Two words shared by us,
>As I can see through each disguise.
>And shared feelings from dawn to dusk,
>For each and every accusation I don't surmise.

>"My Chrysalis, My Dear,"
>I said once before.
>"I want you to run, have no fear."
>"I don't want you to join me in death and gore,"

>"For I shall be by your side,"
>"Forevermore."
>"And I regret nothing, as I will subside,"
>"I've had you by my side, just once more."

>I expected death,
>And royal gaurds charged,
>As she escaped like a thief with wealth,
>And I was left, bleeding and barred.

1.

>>25434876
/mlp/ will not be prepared for this and I love it.

>"Death take me, for I fear not,"
>"But let my dear carry on,"
>"For Canto shall never be of my plot,"
>"And I shall take my death, with my name as Anon!"

>I shout these words into the cold air,
>And await nightfall for my end,
>I can see my blade away as it shine with dare.
>"My Friend, my soldier," It read on the blade's bend.

>And as I hung at the bars,
>Aching and starving,
>A thief in the night smashed through like cars,
>And I couldn't see, at least anything appalling.

>And now I sit here, servant to the queen,
>My dearest, my love,
>In pain I lean.
>And I watch from the distance of the cove.

>The fillies play and frolic once again,
>And I sit with my dear,
>Saved as a man who faced his end,
>I share not one drop of my fear.

>For the love is true, even for a spy.
>And I proclaim soundly my love,
>"I shall love you until I die,"
>And she looks at me like a wounded dove,

>"I shall forever embrace you the same,"
>She replies, sweetly in the end.
>And she places my hand upon her mane,
>"My lover, my soldier, my friend."

2.

File: 1447086907257.gif (1 MB, 550x400) Image search: [Google]

1 MB, 550x400

Also, for all who don't know of my faggotry, Canto was actually a type of poetry done in song. Noted from The Divine Comedy (Dante's Inferno, the Inferno, and many other names in translation.) But this horrid faggot is done,
And for the end of this, I move on.

And I have stolen "My Friend, My soldier," from my sword, which had it engraved in either latin or spanish. I can't remember, but it's my favorite. I also stole "Give your soul to the priest" from it. Yes, I'm a faget. Kill me.

File: This is where your thread goes.jpg (116 KB, 1516x892) Image search: [Google]

116 KB, 1516x892

>>25434995
Youfuckingsuck.png.

>>25435087
Oh quit hatin'. Why don't you go to /trash/ and fap to some clop, calm your ass down a notch.

File: IMG_06112015_194433.png (789 KB, 1366x768) Image search: [Google]

789 KB, 1366x768

>>25435437
Writer here, I honestly do think it's trash.
Seems edgier than fuck, I mean, I myself ask how can you defend my work?

>>25435474
I'm defending the fact you had the balls to post it man.

File: ballsoffeel.jpg (40 KB, 389x399) Image search: [Google]

40 KB, 389x399

>>25435515
.-. It's complete faggotry bruh.
As soon as I posted it my balls went up to my ribcage, never to descend again.
Kinda like a comet.

>>25435537
Yeah, but I don't see anyone else stepping up to the plate.

File: 1447494674836s.jpg (10 KB, 248x249) Image search: [Google]

10 KB, 248x249

>>25435552
Because they POSSIBLY CANNOT have more autism than me. No one really can.

>>25435569
Why do you degrade yourself like this Anon?

>>25435585
I'm an autistic horsefucker, what else did you expect?

>>25435597
I already knew that much, hell, I'm an autistic horsefucker, we all are, but you're so quick to put yourself down, are you trying to beat someone to the punch?

>>25435662
Indeed.
If I do it, I won't have to be told I'm a faget. I already know I am one. It's all a part of the elaborate scheme of being a writefag with some drive.

File: Mastermind Grin.jpg (32 KB, 313x470) Image search: [Google]

32 KB, 313x470

>>25435675
I'm a fan of elaborate schemes. Carry on writefag, carry on

File: 1446759012811.jpg (15 KB, 299x396) Image search: [Google]

15 KB, 299x396

>>25435713
You don't get to know. So take orf, and find a better place to research it, Meine freunde.

File: 1400238212289.jpg (8 KB, 250x221) Image search: [Google]

8 KB, 250x221

>>25435726
Very well then...

File: der.jpg (11 KB, 250x241) Image search: [Google]

11 KB, 250x241

>>25435749
Yes, it is. We can wait this out and i Can post more faggoty emo poems on another thread or here, possibly, or you and I can just shitpost these images back and forth. Take your pick.

File: 1444484956185.jpg (15 KB, 275x275) Image search: [Google]

15 KB, 275x275

>>25435775
I say both would be quite fun. This thread could use a little activity.

File: 1446831907415.jpg (29 KB, 748x748) Image search: [Google]

29 KB, 748x748

Then so be it, Mr. >>25435915
So be it...

File: 1402006921257.jpg (17 KB, 399x276) Image search: [Google]

17 KB, 399x276

>>25435940
No poem?

>>25435972
Depends if the shitstorm stops. Until then, let's have https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxsOXOPni0o Playing until we find a good time or run out of shit.

File: I like what I'm reading, niggaligga.jpg (35 KB, 813x578) Image search: [Google]

35 KB, 813x578

>>25435984
I was thinking of something more along the lines of:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtSd0Yvw4lY

Are you sure want to play this game, John?

File: mcfucked.jpg (4 KB, 117x125) Image search: [Google]

4 KB, 117x125

>>25436029
I am truly sure, and I challenge you to a shitpost battle until a writefag appears!
Begin! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2KcpAz7bRM

File: 1425571956831.jpg (24 KB, 369x434) Image search: [Google]

24 KB, 369x434

>>25436054
Not one for flinching I see.
Have at you!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeoXV5-x_Cw

File: 1447444153247.jpg (4 KB, 151x172) Image search: [Google]

4 KB, 151x172

>>25436077

I dare not flinch, I have nae reason to flinch!
I am a true shitposter!
Begone, plebian, for you witness the birth of a god!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQwQnEfbh0U

File: 1447465380167.png (286 KB, 535x573) Image search: [Google]

286 KB, 535x573

>>25436100
Gods are meant to be slain, not worshipped

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXX7dRULFaE

File: mlfw4671-twilightmov.png (370 KB, 1250x947) Image search: [Google]

370 KB, 1250x947

>>25436129
You imbecile, Gods are meant to oversee and proclaim dominance!
I am not giving up my title so easily!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMFCM0SKbnY

I AM A GOD!
AN UBERMENSCH!
I AM THE TOP SHITPOSTER HERE,
AND YOU WILL NOT BE REMOVING ME FROM MY THRONE!
May Moot have mercy on your anus, because I will not when I finish!

File: 1414607197566.jpg (34 KB, 602x602) Image search: [Google]

34 KB, 602x602

>>25436154
Is that so?
Moot can't save you now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tVTEyuCKn4

File: dongtrooper.jpg (45 KB, 267x395) Image search: [Google]

45 KB, 267x395

>>25436196
He thinks he can do that? Ohhh, poor Anon, he thinks he's tough.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuizMqRsTpY

Buddy,
You messed with the wrong man, mothafucka.

File: 1444873652726.png (53 KB, 168x187) Image search: [Google]

53 KB, 168x187

>>25436211
Man? I thought you were a God. You didn't trip down the steps from your 'throne' did you?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aV2IkSpRPtU

File: 1447516386653.png (324 KB, 385x494) Image search: [Google]

324 KB, 385x494

>>25436245

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmGFCWuLgTs

Title's are nothin',
Let's finish this.