Lumbering and overcooked. Would not read surrounding text.

>>8268531
Could you help fix it?

>>8268485
What is it trying to express? IWhatever it is is vague as hell, it feels empty.

>>8268795
It is meant to be empty, yet lovely. Almost as if it is peaceful.

>>8268763
no, it's irredeemable.

Syntax is fucked.
"remember all memories" is redundant and ugly
"love in which you stood for" is remarkably awkward.
"a kiss before departure" doesn't give enough information to summon a reliable image. Are you autistically requesting a kiss, reminiscing, or what.

scrap it and start over.

>>8268485
delete it
unless you are writing a book within a book that is supposed to be horrible

>the love in which you stood for

Makes no sense. Things either stand in or stand for. What are you trying to say

>>8268870
I see it as,
A kiss before departure- kiss me before i leave

to remember all memories- so we can reminisce

and the love in which you stood for.- no idea what this line means

>>8268887
Use "every memory" instead of "all memories." It has better rhythm and a gentle internal rhyme. Might also say "a kiss farewell" to shrink the first idea and let the reader get to its conceptual meat quicker.

Last line simply needs to be put another way and have some concept behind it. It's not pretty enough to be void of meaning. It's detrimentally stumbling.

>>8268920
I enjoy this comment. Thank you very much! The last part has me stumped.

the sentence is banal & awkward. delete it and the book containing it