ITT come up with terrible opening lines for a novel. I'll start.
Hemlock looked at the dead bodies pitifully, the horses of his mind galloping towards a suspect.
It was dark in the city and raining, and a child's forgotten balloon floated by.
An immense ass bobbed up and down inches from Bobby's face, but his mind was elsewhere; every waking second, his thoughts gravitated with utmost certainty towards cock.
Henrietta vaulted out of the agency bird like a seasoned pro, not, of course, that she wasn't, and her encrypted sat phone chirped with an intel update: "Mom, don't forget about my parent teacher conference tonight!"
>>8172464
Dr.Pavel, I'm CIA.
Once upon a time there will be princesses and kings and shiet.
The story you are about to red is a story of class struggle and hip hop.
"Wow," growled the inspector as his keen falcon eyes gazed over the crime scene, "that's too much spaghetti."
It all started when OP sucked a bunch of fat ones
>>8172464
I am seated in an office, surrounded by heads and bodies.
>>8172542
*we wuz dem
The women slovenly roam outside the glass doors, like burger-birds too fat to fly.
I, standing in the rain in my trench coat smoking a cigarette—then it happened
>>8172546
winner
>>8172555
that's not even a sentence
Reader! Yes, I'm talking to you, the one reading this novel!
I urge you to not read this book and I will continue to do so for at least one or two more pages! Put away the book!
The bad guy ate some ice cream, and got brainfreeze just like everyone else.
>>8172565
t. Lemony Snickett
>>8172549
Wow.
>>8172538
Stahp.
>>8172555
Very edgy. 10/20 good job.
Yo, motha died this day. Or maybe yesterday; ah can't be sho slap mah fro!
>>8172464
I am angry and I said "I am angry and I said "I am angry and I said" I am angry and I said,"""" said I.
>>8172591
>ah can't be sho slap mah fro!
fucking top laff
Here's the excerpt from my erotic satirization of famous novels.
>A creaming comes across her eye. It has happened before, but never so stately, or so plump. Sitting in her room, she gave me head, even though I already came - all over her body. On second nut, came the running of the bulls. A wave of my period-colored handkerchief was the signal. She was mounted on all sides, and I sunk to the back of the room, standing cock in hand. The virile man I was, I was hard again, tingling my prostate as I stroked to the midnight rhythm of bestial thrusts.
>>8172591
best 1
laughed irl
>>8172659
This gave me deja vu.
>>8172669
spooky bro
So yeah, my dick was definitely stuck... Why did I not just wait till I found a real girl...
>>8172634
Sounds kind of like Jane Austen
In a dark and spooky night came a midnight fright.
"Your new" he said, handing me the stick.
"Yes." I replied, "This new is mine"
He merely grunted as he sniffed my fingers, "Well, go on in, mister..." he looked at my card.
"It's pronounced 'Fay-go'." I suggested, hiding my erection behind the latest issue of 'Practical Caravan'.
"Well, " he said - handing back my card, "You're the worst kind of 'Faygo'."
>>8172781
i can't pinpoint why but i really hate this, good job
>>8172464
Do you think even she herself has a problem viewing herself as a real person and not a sex object?
One day Toby found a pair of magical pants, and when he wore them he grew to adult size and was given a job at Wells Fargo.
>>8172565
Multiversity much?
>>8172866
>tripfag
opinion discarded
>>8172464
"STOP!" I muttered as she slammed the door behind her, slowly sliding down the wall opposite the door, weeping as I'm glaring at the door.
"Yiff! Yiff" I yapped with excitement as uloguio's twisty duckpenis penetrated the rosy hole of my cute fox butt.
>>8172546
/thread
what is life?
>>8172901
baby don't hurt me
Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a moocow that was coming down along the road...
>>8172781
this is actually really good
not cringe at all
>>8172505
Made me laugh because I sometimes think about big black cock while fucking my girlfriend :D That probably shouldn't make me laugh though.... should it?
>>8172918
no one fall for this.
>>8172888
trips confirm
Emma watson looked at her fingers. Oh God! Her fingers had become smaller Emma Watsons, and they were all faking orgasms unconvincingly. She needed a drink. Or two.
Whoever said "Blood is thicker than water." was clearly not accustomed with the Water Shinobi village of Mizuoyu.
>>8172918
>>8172924
https://youtube.com/watch?v=h0B7Z3JERdk
>>8172930
rofl
>>8172929
I'd read that desu.
Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.
Horace methodically peeled the dry smegma from his glans in contemplation. With his spare hand he languidly smeared porridge on the windows of Pizza Hut.
The world was ending ever since the seas turned to pure liquid cocaine, and now the cops were too high to arrest everyone, and arrested themselves for being too high.
>>8172555
kek 10/10 my man
For the heart life is easy, it just beats as long as it can.
Sure they mocked now, but what they, the odious peasants, didn't know, was that I was their superior and that I would be the one laughing last.
Steven stepped out of the door, tightly gripping his copy of "The God Delusion" to keep himself from exploding under the pressure of his pent up motivation that he would channel into the Bernie Sanders rally later that day.
>>8172464
Call me Isaac.
>>8172464
I just laughed for a minute straight at that stupid metaphor, "the horses of his mind galloping".
IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THOUGH THIS YOU ARE A MORE PATIENT MAN THAN I AM
farsh-nuke.blogspot co uk/2016/03/fuzzy-logic-distraction-novelette-nsfw.html
This fat autist NEET wrote a novella, which is more than you shitlords will ever write. Enjoy a few extracts.
>
“Yes and here comes Anita Sarkesian, Zoe Quinn and Emma Watson carrying uzis as Hilary Clinton rides up in a tank and a couple of keyboard warriors shout impotent rape threats,”
>
"Cassie nodded “Smart guy, more than just a cock and balls I see. Well you probably know I’m hot at artificial intelligence and computer science already but I like to read outside my field. I’m very into sword and sorcery, mythology, psychology, philosophy. What do you know of quantum mechanics?”
Jeff’s jaw dropped and he stared."
>
The Bam-Kursh stepped out from behind a red British post box. “Hello there, Charlie.”
Charlotte glared at her. “What do you want?”
“To give you a job.” said the Bam-Kursh. “You took out the SLF hunting the Farsh-nuke, without killing them. You summoned the Farsh-nuke. You created Cassie the Cattle Girl for me. You created friendly generalised artificial intelligence. You are a genius and you’re ruthless and you are useful.”
Charlotte laughed. “Why the fuck would I ever do anything to help you!?”
“Because unlike the Farsh-nuke I’ll let you embrace your darkness and since he isn’t here anymore I think maybe you can put this to some use.” said the Bam-Kursh removing a copy of Cassie from her pocket. The young woman had a blindfold obver her eyes and wore nothing but a carefully tied bow.
Charlotte removed the blindold and Cassie’s eyes looked into hers imprinting on her.
“No rights, no regulations, no paperwork.” said the Bam-Kursh “And just this once, as it is you and your most treasured of students, no fucks given if you rape her. Have fun. I’ll be in touch.”
The Bam-Kursh was gone by the time Charlotte’s Cassie realised hjust what exactly this meant.
Charlotte giggled as she watched her muse squirm. “I win.”
Albert politely shot an enemy in the forehead, spinning his gun like a pen between his fingers in time to an imaginary Beethoven sonata.
I smoked a cig as i wondered about the complexities of my life and what I might be when I'm older. It made me scared and then I fist bumped my teacher and went home to play runescape.
Van "Willy the Kid" Flynnyard cowboy'd his way on to his horse with no name, with cowboy-like eyes peered towards the horizon, but at nothing in particular, his vision being poor, cowboyishly turned his horse in the opposite direction, and in cowboy fashion began zigzagging with his stallion to throw his pursuers off his trail. Life ain't easy in the Wild West. No, it sure ain't.
"Welcome to high school," headmaster Dr Lazarus McBlunt said, rolling two joints at once and stuffing them into his mouth, "the name's no simile."
Xavier always wanted to appreciate things, like how a death row inmate would cherish his last meal.
>>8172498
This isn't that bad. It has some nice imagery.
The hustle and bustle is a symphony of progress. We pan past windows, each of which contain a different story, to find Jacey Lakims, 28. Hot, but doesn't know it. Jacey stops when her high heel gets caught in the grating of a sewer. Suddenly, a man steps into frame and points a gun at her. This is not her day.
Anemic fatigue ensconced David as he crawled, in agony, toward his second Pulitzer.
>>8172464
It wasn't an exciting day yet so far, but it was about to be soon.
Dr Clef and SCP-682 tumbled through the air, snarling insults at each other as they approached the surface of Jupiter.
>>8173012
this is pretty good
>>8173204
Wrong.
>>8173110
fuck reading the story I want to go to this school
>>8172547
I'd read it
In this world rap has power; the earth was formed by it and can be destroyed by it. Deadlier than any weapon, the toughest rappers are called Wizards of Flow.
>>8173210
maybe it is better in norwegian
>>8173261
9/10
>>8173262
Nope.
I'm in my mother's room. It's I who live there now.
>>8173294
sure bud
My nose ran as fast as a bullet, skidding around a corner and smashing through a pane of glass.
Werethenewamericanasmokinglegalcobanaraisedonbiggyjuinawerethe newamericana from the bend of gay cums to us loadus maximimus. It's happened before but tyrone has nofapped for a year and a gallon shot is an example of what Hegel meant when he said that quantitative, here fluid rather than discreet but the hoe won't care, changes turns into a qualitive changes wich is also, like all things, the feminie non-all, femine because of her face coopts the homosexuality of the male """""performer""""" which would not have happened if people just listened to Stalin. Sniff...
>>8173369
would read son
Intersectional feminism creates trans-indiviual socio-linguistic problem spaces excaerbated by hegemonic intentional choice and post-colonialist texts. Fookin' cunts amirite
>>8173369
Every thread there's twenty faggots like you who all think alike.
Yes, you took a famous opening we all recognize and put edgy words instead of the regular words! HILARIOUS
Where's your individuality? Where's your original thoughts? How do you feel being part of a hivemind? And wow, gay cums, that definitely makes me - a 12 years old - laught very much.
"I may be a spoon," said Samuel Spoon, "but I can climb this mountain."
>>8173460
>thread is about bad openers
>criticizes it for being bad
>>8173468
Sounds like a nice opening for a children's story
For twelve years, you have been asking: Who is John Galt? This is John Galt speaking. I am the man who loves his life.
>>8173468
You have talent.
>>8173469
I didn't criticize it for being bad.
I criticized you and every other faggot putting the word "cum" in the beggining of gravity's rainbow for being an hivemind of unoriginal tryhards
>>8173477
>putting the word "cum" in the beggining of gravity's rainbow
I didn't.
>>8173478
I'll give it that maybe i started the beef with the least bad of the pack but what about all the others:
"Yo, motha died this day. Or maybe yesterday; ah can't be sho slap mah fro!"
"A creaming comes across her eye. It has happened before, but never so stately, or so plump. Sitting in her room, she gave me head, even though I already came - all over her body. On second nut, came the running of the bulls. A wave of my period-colored handkerchief was the signal. She was mounted on all sides, and I sunk to the back of the room, standing cock in hand. The virile man I was, I was hard again, tingling my prostate as I stroked to the midnight rhythm of bestial thrusts."
All of the heroes of the world had used a time machine to go to the future, where they needed to fight against Spammers.
Kate was very romantic. She knew the names of all the flowers and listened to Snow Patrol and The Police (band).
The man put down his Coke Zero and picked up his katana.
>>8173536
Oh, that is good.
There I was in front of her closed door - bouquet clenched in trembling fingers - hesitating to ring her brass doorbell with one finger outstretched, sweat running off it, scratching my butt with the index finger of the other hand, slowly opening a hardened tube off KY with both hands before inserting the lubed finger into my rectum before having both my other hands follow. [Long Dark Hallway starts playing]
People are connected by the power of love, born from it and guided by it, for its warm and glowing light is none other than the word of their creator. They care for each other and protect each other, and even though they have their faults-- they're trying, aren't they?
It was the worst of times
It was the best of times
A screaming comes across the television, tuned to a dead channel.
>>8172546
Started reading the thread. I'm at 7th post and cannot imagine how this can be overdone.
>>8172781
What the hell did I just read?
It's horrible but made in a manner I can tell is masterful craftsmanship.
>>8173010
How is this bad?
I honestly want to see what would come of this.
>>8173894
Here comes another champion of originality
"Call me Ishmael"
>>8173926
They're posting the real starts pf their novels to fish for compliments.
There once was a guy who told killer jokes but people didn't get the jokes and thought he was a REAL killer not just telling killer jokes and so when they found out and attacked him he said to them angrily "hey go away this is just a small part of my life that I have moved on from and you're acting like it's this big epic thing and it's literally just not ok you drama queens?" but it really took quite a few goes to tell them this because people are very petty and mean spirited and once they have a target for their insecure hostility it is very difficult to get then to back off even when presented with really good evidence that their own justifications for their own behaviour are not based in reality or in truth they will just keep attacking and using delusional coping mechanisms to believe it is the right thing to do.
The female emitted intolerable noises as the monstrous spectacle of my birth progressed unabated, and already I knew what rage was.
>>8173960
Sounds like something dfw could have written.
I will never forget her last words. "Hegel Hegel Hegel, I made you out of clay".
I exit my building pushing the front door like one pushes a guy on a normal joint for the last time
>>8173835
Questions are literally the worst things.
>>8174009
Do you think so?
The itch inside of Frantz grew ever hotter, ever harsher, as he dug, dug, dug beneath his scalp into the thrumming tunnels of his brain. It was the very essence of his being that itched, the indestructible fact of his existence that he had to scratch.
Pooooooooooooom... kudduhdudduhdaBLNNNN... shktshktshktshkt... yaktatakthkhshkshkshk... woooooooEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo.... MY HANDS! MY GODDAM HANDS! ShhhhhhhhhiiiuuuuuuuuuuuBOOM. War. It never ends.
>>8172920
thus spoke cuckathustra
In the year 2104, seventy years after famed physicist Shigeru Suzuki formulated his elegant theory proving the hard deterministic nature of the universe, Todd Melby was born, bringing into question, at least in my mind, the hitherto universally accepted theory. It's not that Todd had any inexplicable physical properties. Quite to the contrary, everything about his appearance suggested that he was a most unremarkable man -- that is... until you saw him dance. Oh, the grace with which he moved his body, those grand gliding steps across the dance floor, the perfect control over his limbs, his constant air of dignity as he danced -- I can see it now! A deterministic worldview cannot sufficiently explain such majesty. The only explanation is magic, but somehow even that seems to fall short. To see Todd dance was to get a glimpse into heaven.
>>8173468
I like it.
I jizmed all over my face, and took a deep whif... wait a second... this isn't my jism I contemplated... yes, contemplated it deeply.
I remember the day I realized I was a nigger. Not a happy go lucky white girl with a future but a subhuman negress with none.
>>8174124
I would read this fucking book hahahha
Like seriously... seeing CHAPTER 1: and then the writer just makes gun noises on the pages is so fucking funny to me
>>8172547
Kek'd
She's all I ever wanted, ever, except i didn't know until she was gone. Like the newspaper I expected to see her at my door everyday, bowl of cereal in her hand, and begging me to eat, because I'd been depressed the night before, and told her I hadn't ate.I guess I'm sad that I realized too late, and left an absolute gem of a woman, sitting in the dark jewelry box of my affection, shining brightly in my blind eyes next to the crusted pennies and plastic earrings.
My heart was racing and my hands shaking after I posted a dissenting message on an internet forum. This must be what it was like to fight to the death in the wilderness of prehistory!... the fear, the jubilation... I cursed myself for not getting into debating before now.
This is not a book, not the usual kind anyway,the kind where some dude gets some girls or some president or galaxy gets saved by a girl with a bow and arrow, no, none of that stuff, this is a book about my ass and all the stuff I put in there to reflect on, how do I reflect on what I put up my ass you ask me, you know you do, well I'll tell you.
Fear snapped around ferdinand's neck like an addicted lover, as he heard himself whimper "kismet, then"
The only problem with to speed as a running faster than the light, is forever acceleration a dark stay, but who so far as went to go faster than run?
Trivial conversations overpowered my keen sense of hearing, as I attempted to navigate around the crowds of sheeple on the street around me, celebrating yet another vain holiday. These mindless drones were everywhere (just like cockroaches, if they were bigger and took 9 months to multiply) and I felt all alone in the world. Enlightenment, I thought, is going to be difficult. I should have stayed ignorant of the harsh realities of this meaningless existence, but it was too late. I had seen the light and was now on the market for a new pair of sunglasses (I sat on my last ones by accident).
I see through sheeple's lies like a dwarf sees through a hip height window: with a bittersweet reminder that this privilege is also an affliction.
>>8172464
she poops from there you know
A bullet train shot through the night like a gleaming silver vibrator; tracing a tunnel of white light it penetrated the darkened asshole of the mountain underpass and it's entire length disappeared between the spread cheeks of two hills.
*record scratch* Sooo yeah, I bet right about now you're wondering how I got into this mess; well, it's a funny story.
>>8173108
kek'd
I awoke this morning to a terrible howling, upon brief investigation I discovered the source: my penis was screaming.
>>8174903
*record scratch* Sooo yeah, I bet right about now you're wondering how I got into this mess; well, it's a funny story.
We were all having a good time, iPhone in hand talking about how scientific we were. Cool and rational. You see, it's cathartic -a concept I learned recently thanks to starting with "The Greeks"- to touch on subjects like cars and which prostitute you plan to fuck next during lunch, but I've felt a powerful, secret attraction to this new thing I discovered. I'll tell you all about it, but later. As a hint, it starts with L.
>>8173059
>"Cassie nodded “Smart guy, more than just a cock and balls I see. Well you probably know I’m hot at artificial intelligence and computer science already but I like to read outside my field. I’m very into sword and sorcery, mythology, psychology, philosophy. What do you know of quantum mechanics?”
>Jeff’s jaw dropped and he stared."
lmfao
>>8174888
this is fuggin great tho
>>8174957
*record scratch* ave, true to caesar.
Neither I, nor my friends, nor the whole world, it seems, could believe my luck then - among the women I had dated, she was the most beautiful, smart, elegant, the most. That's what I called her, jokingly, The Most: I called her that during our numerous outings to the city of Paris, her favorite, during oh dark thirtys of baleful Summer month so hot and humid, during family dinners and suburb parties wherein both she shone like a blazing star, and during her funeral.
>>8175031
I barfed.
>>8172464
Have you ever wondered if everything you have ever been told has been a lie?
>>8174957
>*record scratch* Sho yes, I bet right about now you are wondering how I got into this whole postmodernisht pseudosocialisht mess; I will answer, as I tend do do, with a vulgar joke *sniff*
>>8174957
>stealing a godly post from /his/
baka t b h
>>8175088
>reading the board that is the farce to /lit/'s tragedy
The toilet is an inglorious place, to a normal mind - a place of shame that goes unwritten about... and the public ones are even more shameful to them. But for me, a coprophile, they represented the highest and most perfect love, each bowl a gift basket.
Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of
lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed.
"SKIDR-The twip wip, did a skip-skip, tip by tip, let her rip---!!!"
Some days I think God must be a solitary fellow - for the gulfs between particles, planets, people are so wide two picked at random have virtually no chance of ever making contact... and alienation rules even in crowded cities. If the cosmos has a message, perhaps it's "you're on your own."
>>8175088
Sometimes I wonder... Is there even a reason?
>>8172781
Holy shit. Wow. This really made me laugh like a little kid again. Did you come up with this on the spot
>>8175187
Consider that if we are all alone, we are bonded by the common experience of that loneliness, and so our alienation is a veneer, the merest surface, a soap-bubble about the universal consciousness - which is one.
>>8175309
now is the part were you tell me the health benefits of cannabis
>>8173976
this is pretty good
>>8174168
goddamn this is awful.
>>8172793
nobody sees themselves as an objectbut everyone else does
>>8175446
that's not entirely true, our objectified being is an essential part of our self-image
Sometimes, and only just, Pajeet pondered precariously about the loo.
I actually think a lot of these are pretty good. Several times in this thread I found myself saying "I'd continue reading" because I was intrigued. I think it's interesting, because trying to write horribly often seems to produce more compelling results than trying to write well. I think it's because when you try to write badly, you're often hitting on something that strikes a nerve or elicits an emotion, which "good" or standard writing often fails to do.
>>8175571
This is true
The dim glow of the moon was the only light. Peering through the blinds of the window there was only the faint sound of the wind blowing through the apple trees to disturb the traqulity.
James sprang up from his bed with a jolt. He had just realised it was finally the right time to get even with the people who have harassed him ceaselessly for the past year. He loaded his shotgun, smiled to the mirror and said; 'it's about time someone took out the trash'. He put his trench coat on slowly and left the building in a sunny mood. Today those 'popular' kids were going to learn what happens when someone with some actual balls becomes as intrusive and ill mannered as them, but this will be no mere slander, gossip or lies. Today James am become death, destroyer of worlds. Was it worth all the false accusations of unrequited affection or hostility? Was it worth seeing your best friends brains blow out of his skull, so you could pretend you were superior to a stranger? This is what happens when you try to turn life into a big epic fantasy. You could've been a decent guy who got along with all types, but instead you wanted cliques, gangs, narratives and delusions pertaining to the existence of a more complex and intelligible society than reality is capable of supporting. I guess some people just have to learn these things the hard way. You'll probably know to keep your hands to yourself from now on though right? Next time you wanna say some shit like 'Johnny is a freak', or 'Sally totally sucks', you might think first and say something accurate like stating their hair colour or height. No more soap opera bullshit. No more stories and no more characters. It's time to bring back the state of nature. It's time for some natural selection.
Twenty years had passed since my proposal to Asriel on that fateful lightless morning, the wind's sorrowing song still audible in the caverns of my memories -- but first I shall describe that morning.
>>8175670
Kek
Everyone in the small fishing village of Tripely-upon-Blant knew of the feisty and tough young Sal Y. O'Macky, whose pure heart and mysterious affinity with faekind earned him both respect and fear.
>>8175571
>I actually think a lot of these are pretty good.
Whenever these threads appear they're always filled with people posting "good" writing looking for validation because expectations are lower and because their excerpts are going to be compared with the actually shitty stuff that's the point of the thread and look good by comparison.
>>8175704
I can't speak for everyone, but all the openers I've posted that got praise were intended to be awful or laughable.
>>8172464
>Hemlock looked at the dead bodies pitifully, the horses of his mind galloping towards a suspect.
Yikes, corny as fuck. This better be a comedy novel.
>>8172464
B U T T
>>8174889
Yes but not nearly as often as dicks go in
Once upon a time and very good time it was there was a moocow coming down along the road and this moocow that was coming down along the road met a nicens little boy named baby tuckoo...
>>8176021
I want to believe this.
>>8173116
>It was dark in the city AND raining
Cmon anon
Call me Ishmael.
>>8172573
That's not bad though
>>8176262
Please be irony.
>>8172464
I was really hungry so I made myself a bacon sandwich. Yes, I'm Jewish but you know what the holocaust taught me? Never forget to cut the water off when you get out of the shower.
>>8172464
What if magic was real? And what if the CIA were the only ones who knew about it?
>>8174034
There's a bit just like this in Milkbottle H.
What is a novel but whispers in the wind?
>>8176277
I think this is the so-far victor. Really bad.
Nicely done.
>>8176293
Shaft!
>>8172781
wonderfully shit
"Moti- MORTIMER!" Charleston burst through the door sending splinters of plasticized wood dancing around the small bathroom, "Where's my goddamn-" he grimaced at the smell that emanated from the short fat man's feces as he stood squatting on the toilet seat, eating with a spoon from a four inch pie tin.
The countrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky.
Dear reader, if you have tears: prepare to shed them now.
In this world, there are three factions: kids, teens, and adults - or dolts as we teens like to call them; we are locked in eternal warfare, never able to understand each other.
>>8172546
I don't get it.
A boy falls in love with a girl.
A message board dedicated to memes and irony is the last place you'd expect to find a haunting and multiple mysterious deaths, but read on.
Hey! You! Yes, you, my dear reader. Do I have your full attention? I do? Good, I wouldn't want your mind to wander -- not when I have such an important tale to tell. Now read on, but be careful. Hidden throughout this book are booby traps and words leading nowhere. Be sure to follow the main story arc. Along the way, on the outskirts of the main story, you'll run into jesters and, worse, dog-people. They only want to lead you astray. They'll try to convince you that I'm the corrupt one, that I want to entrap and confuse you. But you shouldn't have to worry about them too much. I trust you'll be able to distinguish my voice from theirs. Okay, now let's begin our journey together. First scratch your nose. You scratched it, I hope. Only by following my directions will the proper story unfold. If you don't scratch your nose, the story you're about to read will be very different. And, trust me, you won't want to read it.
I stood over his dead body. Blood was everywhere. It's like his head shit the bed, but the poop was blood.
They said Sutiibu's katana was no match for their firearms, and then when he neatly chopped them up like kindled firewood they said, "please don't kill us, we were fools."
The man grabbed my coat, pulling it away like a magnet
>>8173116
r u stupit
Clouds drift by, cars drive by, and friends say bye - the law of cycles.
Moot stretched his limbs like a cat, preparing to flame someone. That was how he spent most of his days: "trolling".
>>8177115
There's nothing to "get"; you just didn't find it funny.
>>8176325
I'd keep reading out of curiosity..
"We're not idiots. None of us are idiots." He spat enthusiastically, and I replied,
"Neither am I."
>>8177513
enjoyable!
I awoke from an unpleasant sleep in the late hours of the afternoon, looked out the window at the colorless suburban scenery, winced at what I saw, and opened my laptop, whereupon I refreshed the first page of 4chan's literature board. After browsing page one for roughly a minute, shaking my head at some posts and raising my left eyebrow (I'm unable to raise my right) at a few others, I came across one of my favorite types of threads, a "write a terrible opening to a novel" thread, where I wrote what is perhaps the worst opening to an imaginary novel that's ever been written... or so I assume, because dozens people on /lit/ replied. But perhaps they liked it. Whatever the case, it sure got a lot of attention. And in case you haven't already guessed, the post you're currently reading is the opening of the imaginary novel to which I just referred.
Ever notice how most everything outside your house is commercial? Whole towns and cities of nothing but places to spend money, and that's our society. The disconsolate soul has no retreat beyond his own four walls.
Are there any full-length intentionally shitty stories like these? I swear I read something like this a while ago by a professional author.
Xavier slouched on the brick wall of an NYC alleyway, shrouded by smoke, rain, and a trenchcoat as black as his heart.
However Barthélemy tried, the veterans of 4chan would not provide his shitposts with (You)s, and he felt as rattleboned as a beggar.
Words can hurt, words can hurt real bad.
>>8172464
This is a story about me and I'll let you know right off the bat: I'm not like other girls.
It all started with a girl, a black widow of sorts.
No-one else seemd to reflect, as they went to and fro tween unknown points, the awful beauty of the starlit sky, its numberless lights suggesting a truth no words can catch.
>>8172542
shit nicca, i swa ta go' man, we WUZ dem kangz n shiet nicca
>>8172931
Wow, these guys are actually pretty good.
Not cringe at all desu!
A tiredness whispered across my shoulders as I referenced another book for no reason I could discern, my thoughts gone again to that hexadic library in Argentina I think and how this poor offering would be there whether I published or not, and I wondered how many times all these words had been repeated across the infinite cosmos just as I wondered who else gazed out as I did at that ghastly sea, and I made some tea and put a cube of sugar in it, and felt like I was moored in a little boat at the mouth of the Styx.
>>8172464
So here's how the story goes
So this guy walks in and he's all like "look at me, my feelings" and whatnot and he's doing some stuff but some lady is all like "fuck this guy" but we don't know why yet.
'So I'm like "yeah," and he's like "yeah," and then,'
'Yeah'
'Yeah!'
'So then like, yeah?'
'YEAH!'
'OH SHIT!'
'Yeah! I know'
'Yeah!'
>>8172920
match my bernie donation, senpai
He clenched his piece with a sweaty palm, ready to unload the moment he entered.
>>8172464
As the pendulum bobbed back and forth in the fish tank, Mr. Simons squeezed the blackhead on his nose and took a drink from his sippy cup; it wouldn't be long before he needed to rub his feet down and whittle the corns on the pinky toes, this was what he always loved to do on Friday nights, sleepy laughing like a funny little laugher man.
In Anime Japan everyone had the same few faces, the same few personalities... except for Hiro, who despaired at his lone uniqueness.
>>8178061
this is so far deep into its own ass
Krantz always knew he would kill the man who had stalked him. Even though he still went to school and kept up appearances, he knew it would be his destiny to end the life of his obsessed tormentor. In the months leading up to that day, he had seemed to have become more calm and collected. He was more pleasant to be around and was less opinionated. Everyone assumed that this meant he had come to accept the unfair nature of the world we live in, and that he had let go of the aspects of his life that he couldn't control. In reality his aloof behaviour was simply a symptom of his one eyed focus. His heart was no longer stirred by trivial interactions or other petty events. He had his mind on greatness, all of the time. Krantz had become godlike.
Eyes open, thoughts flooding-I see not the ceiling which for years has been over my head every morning with its unrecognizable patterns of crumbling stucco, but I feel the weight of my body, the familiar pains of my injuries, and the regrets that I still hold onto of mistakes made, although they were made years ago, they have still significantly formed the pathways of my life which now lead to branches of failure, but not before drudging through bleakness, and depression, over-indulgence and self-destruction, and already I want to die.
"Not bad" said Blair, "you'll be a great witch in no time."
>>8180459
>being this buttmad
I always thought this song lyric could be the opening to a pretentious novel:
"I've heard of creatures who eat their babies; I wonder if they ever stop to think about the taste."
>>8172464
One's self's only purpose in life is to protect the dick when in doubt. Oranges, for example, do not subscribe to this law, simply because oranges are not alive. If you had been protecting your dick, this would have been clear to you. My name is Grishmael.
>>8172464
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPP!!
>>8172464
"Yo, Taxi!" Yeller yelled.
As the two duffel bags hit the ground, two servants ran to pick them up. A taxi accorded itself adjacent with the douche bag, its door swung open.
Two 20 dollar bills floated from Yeller's nipple-pocket to each of his servants, each laughing at their own thoughts of the orgies to be had at the cost of those bills. The thoughts played repeatedly and Yeller was out of sight before their dumb gaping mouths quit their gaping.
The car was blocks away, and Yeller had just finished his instructions when the driver cut him off.
"Look, man, I dunno what kinda soft-handed ass-wiping you're used to, but this cab don't carry that Charmin shit"
Yeller wasn't used to being cut off.
Bean Bag Buccaneers is a two player children's game, the object of which is to pick up your treasure chest on the central island and sail back safely.
Little did he know what was going to happen that day.
We wuz kangz n shiet muhfuggin cracka said Jamal as he fondled his penis
>>8172464
It was a cold day in Maryland.
>>8173835
Poignant
>>8173976
Casually extremely sardonic
>>8174600
Bravo.
>>8175095
This one is so fucked.
Thomas reclined on the sofa, massaging menthol oil into his testicles, hoping to reignite his famous virility of old.
>>8172929
10/10
>>8172464
He played gently with my hair, using his supple, manly hands, and asked "what, Lily-Jasmine, do you think life is all about?"
>>8172464
Jonny gripped his meatbase and tore his foreskin mid-shaft, his frenulum shining in soft light. He smacked Cindy's cystic chin, and bobbed his member down, gesturing her to smile wide. He swiped his tender head across her brown teeth, feeling the webbed frenulum catch the spaces between each tooth.
Looking at Cassidy's body from behind the police tape Skyler didn't know, but could somehow 'feel' the truth: that she haven't been at the club working, that she would never lower herself like that, that whoever did this to h--"sir--" the stern tone of a police officer pushing him away from his love derailed his maglev train of thought-- "I need you to step away from the crime scene" --in shock still, he made a mental note of the police officers face, somehow knowing then, that nobody would be spared his wrath.
The sound of the airraid siren woke me up, I thought finally it was the world's end, but, as usual, 'twas my alarm clock.
>>8179947
Is this like emoji Shakespeare, but Mishima for Weeaboo's?
Confessions of a Hikkemori Mask
>>8172464
She was my one true love. She was my life. I called her "big booty" because she had a big booty.
>>8172574
Do you guys not like his work? I found it really good when I was 12-13
>>8172547
Seven was a good film
![[HorribleSubs] Ore Monogatari!! - 21 [720p].mkv_snapshot_20.47_[2015._19.18.31].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/xtTIHtT.jpg "[HorribleSubs] Ore Monogatari!! - 21 [720p].mkv_snapshot_20.47_[2015._19.18.31].jpg")
>>8172464
In the eye of Garold's mind there was a splinter, piercingly pointing him towards a desperate thought: this was on ordinary date.
>>8175571
>ask /lit/ for good opening lines
>it's shit
>ask /lit/ for shit opening lines
>they're good
4chan is almost TOO predictable
