Alright you jackholes, is this short story for my business pitch better than yesterday?
>Imagine you are drawn to the buzz of that new cafe on Main Street. A steady rhythm of light jazz and discussion gives the place a kind of heartbeat that brings the experiences to be had over fresh bagels and lattes to life.
>Inside are all the usual players. You have the artist. A college student, frantically smudging away with his charcoal pencil. Only stopping periodically to peer over the crisp white edge of the paper and look at the people outside or to have a sip of his coffee.
>Seated at one of the tables behind him is his soul mate, although they have yet to meet. She is an attorney, fresh out of law school, discussing convertible debentures with her client over foamy cappuccinos and delicate Napoleons.
>A local musician sits by the window penning the simple yet painfully beautiful melody that's been playing in his head. He plays here some weekends but right now he is just trying to escape his day job during his lunch break. He finds he writes better after a chai latte.
>In front of the counter stands one of the many generous people who helped make all of this possible. They witness the goings on and smile to themselves knowing that they made a difference. That person is you.
>Some might stop for breakfast on their way to the office. Some come in looking to purchase gifts. Some come for the food but stay for the atmosphere. But no matter when they come or why, there will always be a story that you helped to tell.
>>8163693
That's not a short story. It's not even flash fiction. It still just sounds like a business pitch, which is what it is?
It's corny but you got the point across.
>>8163693
And it's name is Hegel's Bagels
>>8163693
What are you even doing here? You're writing ad copy. No one here cares about that sort of thing. Go to /biz/ or something.
It's bad.
>>8163716
Because I need it to feel less biz and more lit. Product novelty and emotional connection are what make returns. How many people ask for a business loan every day? And how many of those are for a cafe? I was just hoping to have an edge and trying to be creative with it.
>>8163693
That's not a short story--it's just a business pitch; and I don't know about you and everyone else, but a trendy coffeeshop where hipsters of all kind can congregate and drink caffeinated sugar is the last thing I have in mind when I'm thinking of some place to relax.
>>8163733
Dammit.
Anything specifically, or..?
>>8163738
Alright, point taken. It was a shitty idea. I'm just going to go what every body else does and stop shitting up your guys' board
>>8163734
It is just a business proposal in the end though. If you try too hard to force an emotional connection with something like that it'll just come off as unconvincing and sleazy. You're not going to do any better than what you have now.
Unless the venture capitalists or whoever you're asking for a loan from are total rubes, trying to make your pitch sound like more than what it is will just make you seem like a douche.
>>8163743
I mean, if it's important to you, don't quit at it; just think to yourself: is this something I would read? and go from there.
>>8163748
Read/listen to/buy into, I mean.
>>8163707
Hegel's Bagels, I literally laughed.
>>8163740
Bad structure, mainly. It doesn't flow, acts like a grocery list, which makes it boring; though, variation in sentence is fine. Just replace "ands" with "therefores" or "buts."
>You have the artist
This works only for movies lad
