Hey /lit/, I want you to rate my story. I've only written 1,000 words so far, and I'd appreciate it if someone could give me any criticism. Literally any. If it's good, so-so, plain shit or even give up and kill myself-worthy then feel free to give your honest opinion. Don't hold back.
>>7989444
Forgot to link.
https://www.wattpad.com/story/70147662-eden%27s-demise
>>7989444
Mate, can you chuck some of it in a pastebin or something. I'm not signing up to wattpad just to read something.
>>7989444
One does not itch. One scratches an itch.
>>7989462
this
If I wanted to have 50 million account to keep track of I wouldn't be on 4chan
1.you need to edit the fucking thing
2. You have a simple approachable style which is nice, but you try to over complicate it, just let things be smooth, don't try to fancy up your writing try to fancy up your message. The quote at the start is a huge sign of you trying too hard.
3. Fuck you for making me sign up for wattpad
>>7989470
Advice taken, thanks. I almost thought I was being too simple with my writing (although I've been criticized for purple prose before) but apparently I haven't rectified that issue yet. Thanks again.
>>7989486
Since I already did it, did you have any questions you wanted to ask about your work?
>>7989486
>his voice was pubescent and sonorous
Perhaps this is just me but I find this vaguely oxymoronic. Teenage voices are generally creaky and not full.
>>7989503
Not just you
>>7989499
I find it difficult to find that balance between meaningful simplicity and over complicated writing. Besides the beginning quote of course, are there any examples in my work that you thought were over written?
>>7989507
At the end
>begun off
What is that?
Also, you seem to try and place too much in every description, as in too many words. I think you should streamline your description so that its not a bunch of tacked on sentences, it will sound smoother. Keep the sentences separate if you really want someone to understand the image you are trying to convey, but still don't over do it
>>7989444
Something seems weird about the profanity to me.
I'm not sure how old the kids are- I was thinking like 12, since someone's voice being pubescent was specifically mentioned, but at that age I think they'd use curse words to seem more mature. They wouldn't casually use them, they'd try to use them for effect. But the boys are spewing them pretty casually.
But maybe they're supposed to be older?
Anyway... I don't like where you started in media res. You can't create drama by killing Ellis and Lara, I don't even have a clear idea of where I am or what's going on or who these people are. Honestly I was pretty lost until I read the blurb explaining the human trafficking thing.
I'd try a draft that starts at the point of the shipwreck, or the moments before.
I agree with this guy
>>7989470
about the simple approachable style, and that the quote is meh. Your issue isn't purple prose I'd say, it's just the pacing of description and action is a little off. It's good you describe characters immediately to give us an idea of what they look like, but since you're starting in the middle of action, you're constricting your ability to describe because you're also trying to generate action and drama immediately.
That's why I think you should start the story earlier- lets you introduce people and set the scene in a less rushed fashion.
Let me give you an example.
You don't need much for something visually descriptive, a fee long sentences to get the mood.
But if you need to be descritpive to tell part of the story, do carefully packed sentences.
Let me pull something out of my ass to show you what I mean.
'Her arms were sprawled haphazardly on the bedroom floor. Her head had rested facing the bed. Her rings glared as I moved closer to them. The finger that it resided on, as well as the rest, were spackled with blood. It had pooled from the wound just below her right breast. She'd been cut with a large knife it appeared, and deep."
>>7989519
>begun off
To begin to go off in a direction away from the area.
I agree with everything you say, the problem is I will tack on sentences like that without even noticing, so I need to break out of that habit.
>>7989524
The boys are 13 so yes you were correct there. As a 13 year old I used swear words quite willy-nilly because I thought it was 'cool' or made me sound that way. I wrote it so that these kids thought it was cool to swear, not because they really thought about what they were saying.
In regard to where I started in the story, I can definitely see where you're coming from there. I'll take that into consideration.
Thanks both for the criticism. It's genuinely a huge help.
Just another quick thing- You clarify Maya is the bronze-skinned girl twice. It's good to be clear, but you don't need to hold the reader's hand.
Unless that was unintentional, in which case
>>7989470
'you need to edit the fucking thing' is really important advice. We may be just anonymous assholes, but you really want to kill redundancies like that before showing the work.
>>7989568
Intentional. I think that was a case of me trying to be too clear there. Thanks.
>>7989486
>my free advice for you, OP
>>7989486
I like the setting, and picking a group of children to write for an adult audience neato.
However, it reads like you're trying way too hard. Check out this bit:
>"Nobody could bring themselves to speak until the tallest boy among them, Sigmund, stood. His voice was pubescent and sonorous and this caught their attention. "They may not be coming back," he addressed his cohort."
Right there you use "pubescent", "cohort", and "sonorous." That screams of thesaurus abuse. Using big words is all well and good, but the reason these "big" words exist to to be more specific, not to provide a fancier-sounding turn of phrase. "Pubescent" in particular is really awkward. Instead of telling us that he's going through puberty, show us that he's older than the others. Reveal his character to the reader.
I can give you more notes later if you want.
>>7989962
Yeah thanks mate you've got good points here. Appreciated.
