Ok c/lit/s, I'm in a weird state about the project I'm working on at the minute:
I wanted to do something existential, along the lines of Siddhartha, but with an ancient Gaelic guy going through Rome???
But I'm still not sure how well my prose is flowing, I still want to keep some of the character that comes from some of the more convoluted phrases, but it still sounds a bit strange altogether
http://pastebin.com/XjGacmba
Feedback is genuinely super appreciated
It's got an amateurish vibe to it, sadly. Good effort though, never stop trying.
>>7871544
I get that, why though? Language, narrative, tone or a mix of different things?
>>7871550
(not that anon)
commas used like haphazard oral pauses,
inconsistent tone with archaic syntax or turns of phrase tentatively spread here and there inbetween standard modern ones,
sentences where "[one thing happens] as [something completely unrelated is described]" (or the reverse) = illogical uses of a besides 'writing style'-cliché structure
Keep at it but read more too and you'll start to see it.
>>7871567
(and by read more I mean authors with a more rigorous grasp of their language, doesn't have to be classics but YA fiction and dimestore fantasy novels won't teach you to write any better)
>>7871550
I'm not sure how pastebin works (can you comment?) but I could write a critique of sorts later.
pronoun 'it' in first para is too distant from coldness of air/wind/whatver it modifies
would remove 'that his hut oversaw' even though it tells us he lives in a hut
second para seems like it should be once sentence, if not, staccato sentences
would take out 'in the winter'
i'm guessing 'despite' should never be used
second sentence, third para, is a disaster
basically endless verbs for light travel/contact, pick a better one than 'hit'
'coughs were let out' - you can do better than this sir
and that last sentence third para is a mess
second sentence fourth para seems incorrectly word?
get rid of word 'physically', cold numbness and circulatory numbness are the only foot numbnesses i know of, not 'virtual' or 'spiritual' foot numbess
>>7871586
Again, thanks, I'll keep these in mind while editing
>>7871592
Private messages are for paying Pastebin users only. Those jews.
In any case, if this thread will be up in ~9 hours (not home atm) I will create the paste when and post the link here. You can throw down some contact info if you want to be sure to get it (skype, kik, etc.)
>>7871607
>>7871607
Just take my old email, if that's cool: [email protected]
>>7871700
Yeah, that'll work. Thanks.
>>7871550
Spending too much time talking about the mundane, and not even in an interesting cosy way, sounds like you're trying your best to describe something mundane in an interesting way, but unfortunately, it still just comes off as boring, sorry
>>7871755
reading further on, I'm liking it more now tb h
I just read a portion of it because I'm about to go to class, but I liked it alright. I noticed a few weird comma placements, but overall not bad. I think you just need to keep practicing. Really neat idea though. Here's a paragraph I thought was a little awkward:
He had wants: to run, play and curl round words, but the first was the most forcible. Only that he had physically numb feet, bound him to the clodded ground of home.
Here's how I would revise it:
He wanted to play and curl round words, but mostly he wanted to run. Only his numb feet bound him to the clodded ground of his home.
Keep at it OP. Even if no one likes it (even yourself), just sitting down and actually writing it is an accomplishment and helps your writing more than you may know. Good luck!
>There was a valley, cut deep between two ground-waves, that harbored wisp frost as the man wiped his burning cold nose in the winter.
>in the winter
It totally ruins the rhythm of the sentence.
>>7871827
seconded
>>7871946
Sorry for weird formatting by the way, trying to respond on my phone is a bit of a pain in the sphinc.
>>7871898
>There was a valley... that harbored wisp frost as the man wiped his burning cold nose
"as" is not interchangeable with "and" or semi-colons senpai
you're trying too hard to make pretty prose and become nonsensical at times with your extravagances. the elevated words also TOTALLY clash with the pastoral setting and character. thematically, it's just incorrect. you need to simplify greatly and write with clarity.
also, not naming the man and the intrusive narrator ("I can't relay any words", "Perhaps at the end of this tale, you shall know what the Alban man said.") are annoying.
>>7871550
Using metaphors and expressions that are needless and over a while they get a bit tiresome, like:
"...the soil held up his stance..." - what does that mean? I'm not trying to sound meme-ish but really, what did you mean by that? That gravity was helping him maintain a vertical position?
Another example:
"Coughs were let out by a man so rarely sweetened by the nature of warmth..." - there is no need to write in an overly pretentious style, especially when you're trying to say something simple. Also, be careful with the use of tenses, if you start a paragraph using one verbal tense, stick to that tense. Simplicity is often the best answer, you could easily write "One of the men, who did not appear to have been blessed by warmth too often, let out a cough" or something along those lines.
Although, in other cases, your writing is a bit too simple and awkward:
"The man sat and imagined..." - perhaps writing "The man sat, his imagination running wildly".
Please don't be disheartened by the comments, anon. My other suggestion is reading more books, but at the same time, take about a month break from reading and just write your thing, that way your style will start to develop without being influenced by the writers you're trying to mimic.
Good luck.
Tuned out at the beginning.
>As he slipped the cloak over his shoulders, the pockets of heat made him warm under the colour-sweet tartan he wore. He was outside, the grass padded under his bare feet; the soil held up his stance and the cold of fresh air out here shook the skinny man - he held up his cloak over his thorax to defend himself from it, like a pikeman holding up his leather and shield to the blade.
>The man looked out on the green swells of land that his hut oversaw. There was a valley, cut deep between two ground-waves, that harboured wisp frost as the man wiped his burning cold nose in the winter.
A lot of words to say nothing.
>the pockets of heat made him warm
>he wore
>He was outside
duh
>the grass padded under his bare feet
>the soil held up his stance
>the cold of fresh air out here shook the skinny man
>he held up his cloak over his thorax
wut? why is that even?
>The man looked out
>a valley, cut deep between two ground-waves
>harboured wisp frost
>the man wiped his burning cold nose in the winter
>in the winter
>in the winter
thanks for telling us.
>>7871541
you need to be really fucking good at writing prose to be able to write a story that isn't driven by some central, clearly identifiable plotline. maybe you should do a few of those first, before attempting this grand project.
