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can you take a look at this story im writing? its very much
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You are currently reading a thread in /lit/ - Literature
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Anonymous
2016-01-16 09:18:52 Post No. 7592154
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Anonymous 2016-01-16 09:18:52 Post No. 7592154 [Report]
can you take a look at this story im writing? its very much in early development. (>500 words)

https://www.wattpad.com/208684681-the-tragedy-of-neon-chapter-one
>>
Anonymous 2016-01-16 09:31:01 Post No.7592169
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>>7592154
This is what I was seeing.
>>
Anonymous 2016-01-16 09:42:47 Post No.7592185
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Anonymous 2016-01-16 09:42:47 Post No.7592185 [Report]
>>7592154
I couldn't read beyond the login wall but your prose is very uneven. First you adopt an academic tone which doesn't suit the story using words like: perhaps, assure, chatted, platonic, etc. Then you loosen up and write in a more natural, conversational tone. Compare the narrator's speech to the first paragraph.
>>
Anonymous 2016-01-16 09:42:55 Post No.7592186
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Anonymous 2016-01-16 09:42:55 Post No.7592186 [Report]
>>7592154
>I pulled one out
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