Critique
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Can someone crit an excerpt from a short I am writing? I am a schizophrenic and i think the disorganization comes across in my writing. That's the only time it's actually interesting in my opinion, and not debilitating. I can post something better if anyones interested this is just a first draft.
This will be the second part, the first is about a framed dead scorpion i was given as a gift coming to life in my dreams and then me becoming obsessed with the image and seeing it everywhere. Here is the second part, based somewhat on past experience...
>>7478950
Now I'll tell you the story of the first time I killed a man.
It was a warm December, when I was much younger, and a big drinker. My friends at the time shared my passion for intoxication, but at only 18 years old we were pressured to find accomodating locales. Nicholas tipped us off, “why not try church street? We can pretend to be young couples.” Church street was of course the gay district of the city and we never had a problem getting inside. About a block away from our destination we would begin walking two by two, arms draped over shoulders and giving drunk kisses on cheeks. When we got to the door the Man would step aside and give us big smiles and hellos! And once inside we would be greeted with a concoction of cigarette and cologne cocktail that I still remember like a warm family party in my grandparents wood furnished basement, my uncles drinking and drinking and taunting me with their slurred compassion. “Have a beer! What do you want? Whiskey?!” And I would always say no, no. And I would never say “I can't have just one.”
>>7478952
So now I can tell you about the man I murdered.
He was a black fellow that approached me as I was leaning on a pillar, in the middle of the dance floor. Blacker and bigger than I had ever seen in this place. He introduced himself with a dreamy sentence, like so many before him, with brevity that I came to admire of old lecherous vampires like him. He said, “Can I buy you a drink, handsome?” The prize of alcohol always claimed my enthusiasm, something that has never left me, except on depressed and hungover evenings, when the moon glares through my window and I am so alone.
My friends had left me with my date, making off with their own stash, or chugging unattended drinks, sometimes boldly swallowing a man's drink, batting a cat like smile and shrugging outside for a cigarette. My reservation was dangerously waning this evening, and when the man suggested we take a walk, I bartered a drink for when we got back and agreed to leave with him, knowing without a child's doubt what he was looking for. He passed me a ten on our way out the door, and I took it without looking his way.
The alleyway next to the bar was long and deserted, illuminated by one street light beside a rusted iron door. The man started kissing my face, passionately, but gentle. I dreamed I was his daughter and I became extremely comfortable in his presence, thinking excitedly of my new titanium switchblade. He slowly made his way down and began to feel for my limp cock. I took out the knife from my back pocket, moaning heavily with a cigarette in my mouth, and shoved the rainbow blade behind his temple. I pushed it in with such speed that he fell sideways to the ground, as if I had simply punched him. His bald head shook and he gurgled, as his hand shook and levitated over my knife and my stomach hurt no more than a shoplifter feels with a pack of earphones under his coat and I felt I could not reach down to retrieve my knife. It was his now. It was all his. When I got back to the bar my friends smiled at me, they were so drunk. Asking where I had been. I showed them my tenner and bought myself a vodka and tonic.
self-diagnosed? what medication are you on?
i really like it OP
>when the moon glares through the window and I am so alone.
i dig that shit. subject matter is edgy i guess, but not necessarily in a bad way
good luck OP, joy befall thee
>>7479603
Thanks appreciate it. Maybe ill post more in the future. Not self diagnosed
>>7479869
so. what medication are you on? or like most schizophrenics, have you decided you don't need it?
Critique this, guys:
When Heavan's light fell upon the young flower
Like a searchbeam's welcome arrival to the lifeboat
The sprout, malnourished and twisted,
Began to sense a terrible heat.
A hand held against a light bulb
The flower, expecting to flourish
Withered away.
It was not strong enough to bathe in the light.
I am weak.
>>7479959
Thanks, i do think about how intros draw people in and then how i can keep the story sharp and interesting. I think i succeeded in making it original enough to not be bland. Also i like to think ny writing has more substamce than b.
Ill check that book out it seems interesting! I dont think ill forget that title
>>7480378
Im on serequel its both an anti psycotic and an anti depressant. Yeah ive heard alot of schizophrenics go off their meds for diffrrent reasons. But in my opinion a psycotic needs medication like a diabetic needs insulin. Theres no way to cope with all the voices and illusions for me. Ive only been diagnosed 6 months ago but have been suffering for years
