A dead white European male was teaching a class on English literature, known tool of imperialist oppression.
“Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship King Leopold II, greatest monarch the world has ever known, even greater than James Monroe!”
At this moment, a black, female, transgendered, cis-hetero-homoflexible Latino transvestite man who has over 20,000 Tweets and 12,000 Tumblr posts stood up and held up a novel.
“What is this book?”
The professor smirked oppressively and smugly replied “Heart of Darkness, by Polish-British writer Joseph Conrad, an intelligent and insightful study of the primitive mind of the African peoples.”
“Wrong. The book is a racist and oppressive piece of propaganda designed to dehumanize the proud peoples of the African continent. Conrad is a bigot. If the book truly had merit as you claimed, Oprah would’ve reviewed it on her show already.”
The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and Iron Cross. He stormed out of the room crying those DWEM crocodile tears.
The students applauded and all registered Marxist that day and accepted Martin Luther King Jr. as their lord and savior. An okapi pounced into the room and stood next to a south-up map centered around Africa. The students joined hand in hand and sang Toto’s Africa several times, and Jesse Jackson, king of all black people, showed up to enact affirmative action across the country.
The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of a giant black nigger dick up his ass was tossed into the Sahara desert for all eternity.
That student’s name? Chinua Achebe.
Hakuna Matata.
>>7449892
Thanks for showing us that you know how to copy-paste and search through the archive. :s
>>7449892
This didn't really happen.
People seem to be confused about what a Marxist is on this board
does anyone remember the original this was based on
it was really stupid
Had a small kek.
>>7449892
i truly love this copypasta.
this version was top notch but not as good as the navy seal one or the wittgenstein one
>>7449998
This is probably my favorite pasta of all, I even have a document in which I save my favorite versions
>>7450161
An anarcho-syndicalist American analytic philosopher and linguistics professor was teaching a class on Bertrand Russell, known logician.
"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Russell as the most influential philosopher of the 20th century, even more influential than Jacques Derrida or any other continental philosopher!" At this moment, a brave, psycho-analytic, Hegelian Marxist philosopher and cultural theorist, who fully recognized the weaponisation and ideological basis of instrumental rationality, boldy stood up and tugged at his collar. "My god, pure ideology! How can you ignore the work of Lacan and the Frankfurt School and so on and so on, like that? " The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied "Continental philosophy cloaks trvialities in fancy language and uses the scientific-sounding term 'theory' to describe propositions that could never be tested empirically. " "Wrong. If empricism is so important, as you would say, then how come you were so empirically wrong on the Khmer Rouge and Cambodia, and so on and so on?" The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus . He stormed out of the room crying those unironic empirically verified crocodile tears. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Noam Chomsky, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than an outdated linguist and blindly analytic philosopher. He wished so much that he had an argument to save himself from embarrassment, but he himself had advocated for truth derived from empirical investigation! The students applauded and all dropped out to transfer into the Ecole Normale Superieure that day and accepted French philosophy as superior to both German Idealism and the Anglosphere's Analytic traditions. An eagle named "Critical Theory" flew into the room and perched atop a burning American flag and shed a single tear on the dropped chalk. Sections of Lacan's Seminars were read several times, and the Spirit of Hegel himself showed up and demonstrated the nature of dialectics so vividly that everybody in the room progressed to a trans-physical state transcending conventional notions of time and space. The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day and was forced to become a panelist on an MSNBC news show to make ends meet. The brave psycho-analytic philosopher's name? Slavoj Zizek.
>>7450169
A sycophantic, salaried, pedophiliac, flute-playing, Athenian sophist and acclaimed rhetorician was teaching a class on Gorgias, known nihilist.
"By Zeus! Before the class begins, you must all get on your knees and pay your respects to Gorgias, and accept that he was the most demonic being the world has ever known, even greater than that of Heraclitus!" At this moment, a wise, ironic, pro-Spartan disciple of Socrates who had courted 1500 young boys and understood the necessity of free education and fully supported all intellectual writings made by the Academy stood up and held up a rock. "I say to you, does this rock exist on the true plane of reality and being, dear teacher?" The arrogant sophist smirked quite relativistically and replied "Certainly, for how else could you bring it into being here, you foolish foreigner?" "Wrong. The Forms are the only true reality and exist beyond this realm of material perception. If it was real, and being, as you say, is contingent to our realm of perception, then it should be identical to all other rocks in 'existence'." The sophist was visibly shaken, and dropped his stylus and copy of On the Non-Existent. He stormed out of the room crying those ironic sophist tears. The same tears sophists cry for the "learned" (who today live in such a state of ignorance that most think they 'have knowledge' of what is pious) when they jealously try to claw justly earned true knowledge from the deserving philosophers. There is no doubt that at this point our sophist, Hypocrites, wished he had pulled himself up by his sandal straps and become more than a sophist, paid-for-hire teacher. He wished so much that he had a sense of objective truth to console himself from embarrassment, but he himself had argued against it! The students applauded and all enrolled into the Academy that day and accepted The One as the incarnation of truth and the Good. An owl named "The Socratic Method" flew into the room and perched atop the Priestess of Delphi and shed a tear on the stylus. Plato’s Republic was read several times, and Socrates himself showed up and claimed that he knew nothing. The sophist lost his standing with the Athenian wealthy and was left homeless the next day. He died in the Thirty Tyrants' Rebellion and reincarnated as a Bronze soul for all eternity.
>>7449903
>This didn't really happen.
>>7449892
Oh fuck off you haven't even read it
>>7449892
OK, I only skimmed this, but I'm 80% sure it didn't include the word 'yam' and that concerns me.
>>7450240
it's about Heart of Darkness not Things Fall Apart idk why he used the pic
for the memes maybe
A demonologist transcended mongolist professor and Geist activist was teaching a class on Hegel, known necromancer.
"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship the end of history and accept that Absolute Idealism is the most highly-evolved sophism to make us feel good about ourselves the continent has ever known, even greater than self-serving petit-bourgeois protestant theology!"
At this moment an uncaring if he was brave because being judged by illusionary social standards was of no importance to him, egoist, unique girl's school teacher who had smoked more than 15000 cigars in Hippel's winebar and understood the spookiness of all ideology and fully supported whatever he felt like stood up and held up "Der Einzige und sein Eigentum".
"I wrote this, innit?"
The arrogant professor smirked quite synthetically and smugly replied "It's not yours at all, fucking egoist, its the stern, reluctant working of reason towards the full realization of itself in perfect freedom."
"Wrong. It's been a few years or something (time is nothing to me) since I, the Unique One, created it. if it was not mine, and idealism, as you say, is not a spook... then Ghost Busters wouldn't have had a happy ending."
The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his balls and copy of Plato's dialogues. He stormed out of the room crying those ironic thesis and antithesis tears, both coming together on his cheeks into synthesis. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Hegel (who liked to teach about himself), wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a spook ridden sad cunt interested in arbitrary justifications. He wished so much that he had some kind of Own to hold on to, and he had but just didn't realise it because he was an involuntary egoist.
The students applauded and all started milk shops that day and accepted their Self-Enjoyment as the end of philosophy. An eagle named "Union of Egoists" flew into the room and perched atop the copy of "Stirner's Critics" and shed a beer on the hardcover. "Ich hab' Mein Sach' auf Nichts gestellt" was said several times, and Renzo Novatore himself showed up and demonstrated how hand grenades are nothing but a means of killing police officers.
The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of superstition and his "books" were disregarded for all eternity.
>>7450244
But Chinua shows up. I don't know, the professor could have been bludgeoned to death by yams or something.
>>7450244
He's saying Chinua Acheba is an sjw and Things Fall Apart is sjw literature
A japanese hosso monk and zen master was teaching a class on Lao Ze, known riddler
”Before the class begins, you must adopt a meditation stance and reverence Lao Ze and accept that he was the most enlightened being the world has ever known, even greater than Heraclitus!”
At this moment, a brave, phenomenologist, continental German philosopher who had published over 1500 papers on hermeneutics and understood the necessity of an ontological characterization of human beings and fully supported all deconstruction of metaphysical thinking stood up and held up a rock.
”Does this rock have buddha nature?”
The arrogant professor smirked and smugly replied “mu, you stupid Westerner”
”Wrong. An existential analysis of the rock reveals that it has no language and therefore it is not opened to the disclosure of Being . If it was neither Dasein or not Dasein and its ontological nature, as you say, was indeterminate… then its rock-Being should be a concern to it!”
The monk was visibly shaken, and dropped his bonsai and copy of Tao te Ching. He stormed out of the room reciting those obsolete buddhist sutras. The same sutras buddhists recite for the “souls of the deceased” when they jealously try to devalue responsibility over their finitude from the deserving authentic Daseins. There is no doubt that at this point our monk, Gautama Boddhidarma, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than an inauthentic onto theological thinker. He wished so much that he had a non metaphysical characterization of truth to reconstruct his ontology over a groundless ground, but he himself had petitioned against it!
The students applauded and all registered with the university of Freiburg that day and accepted Nietzsche as the last and greatest western crypto metaphysician. An eagle named “Ereigenis” flew into the room and perched atop an ancient oak and shed a tear on the now standing reserve of timber. The Ister was read several times, and Being itself showed up and spread existential angst across the country.
The monk lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the technocratic plague nihilism and was tossed into the impossibility of possibilities for eternity.
Ex nihilo omnia
p.s. It rests by changing.
>>7450297
>An existential analysis of the rock reveals that it has no language and therefore it is not opened to the disclosure of Being . If it was neither Dasein or not Dasein and its ontological nature, as you say, was indeterminate… then its rock-Being should be a concern to it!
Will the terms in this ever make sense if I read philosophy?
t. philopleb
>>7450689
it depends on how stupid you are but start with the greeks
>>7450297
Never seen this one, it was beautiful.
