good thread!

This is a confession. This is an admittance of my sins and transgressions towards a very vulnerable girl. However I also hope this is also a story of some redemption and how I’ve learned from my cruelties. This story started a very long time ago, at least in the span of an eighteen year old’s life, at a beach in Florida.
I always wanted to go to the beach when I was little that and flying in an airplane, the latter I still have yet to do. I remember telling my mother that I wanted to plant my feet into the beach and feel the tide bury my feet in sand. I remember telling my mother a lot of things. I love my mother so much. I also remember my mother talking to me a lot of things when I was little. She taught me manners, altruism, how to try different foods, and how much she loved my father. I also remember my mother telling me that love for your partner is reflected in how you treat your parents. For example if you treat your mother kindly you will also treat your wife kindly and lovingly.
Well I dipped my feet in the sand at the ripe age of eleven. And as I was standing there basking in the sands after an arduously long road trip my mother called to me, “Addison! Come meet Emma!” And I turned around to peer at this tall, lanky, olive skin tanned girl, with beautiful brown eyes. Emma was a year younger than me but you could hardly tell the age difference with kids at that age but it came more apparent as we got older.

We started to have a real liking to each other on that trip. However there was a catch. Emma was my cousin, twice removed. Emma was the step daughter of my father’s cousin. To this day I still don’t understand why but my aunts’ kept putting me and Emma into romantic situations. For instance, later that night after we met, all the kids loaded up into a van to go to this strip mall in the city that we were staying. Well there were not enough seats for all of us. So they made Emma sit on my lap. I had never had a girl sit on my lap before and that made it weird at first but I started to warm to it after awhile. I really started to life Emma over the course of the week long trip and I remember asking the adults if it was okay for me to like Emma and they completely endorsed it. They didn’t see any harm in it so why should Emma and I? I don’t think they were planning on our relationship going much past this little childish little summer love. That week went by quickly, far too quickly. When I came to from that glorious summer vacation Emma was gone. Her family left early in the morning and I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye. The last time we saw each other was on the balcony and we were talking about what we find attractive qualities in boys and girls or “what we liked in boys and girls.” I don’t remember what she said about boys. But I remember what I said I liked in girls at that time. “I like girls with long dark brown hair and tan skin.” Poor girl took that as if I was a prophet reciting the will of God. Boy, that girl liked me. Hell she loved me and I had no clue what to do with that, but I liked it. That’s all I understood from it, that I liked it. So I just went with it.
After that vacation we didn’t talk that much because I didn’t have a cell phone. Though we did communicate when I felt like it; the whims of this prophet didn’t often favor Emma over video games and heavy metal music. When I did deem it necessary I treated her like a queen like my mother taught me writing lengthy messages and poems about my affections. All of it was simply sweet nothings. As if I could comprehend the words I spoke to Emma at that age but she ate them up nonetheless. During this time I was going through middle school bullying and puberty. I got into fights constantly. I would come back home with welts and black eyes and broken teeth all the time. I was called names and nobody would dare talk to me. If people did talk to me they were just doing it because they pitied me.

Later after a few years I learned Emma had an unfortunately similar experience. And please believe me when I tell you that Emma was a very pretty girl. Somehow, however, those girls convinced her that she was the ugliest and dumbest girl in the world. She had trouble looking for approval anywhere she could find it and I gave it to her. I would try to remind her that she was pretty and that I liked her, but how do you imagine a long distance relationship worked for kids our age? Then when I finally stopped talking to her; that same time her father was dying of brain cancer and had died.
Well after the first fight my mom immediately put me in Krav Maga which translates in Hebrew to “Contact Combat”. I loved martial arts to death. So by the time I got to eighth grade I had grown into a completely different person. With puberty coupled with the martial arts, all of the baby fat was peeled off and I started to finally get the attention of a lot of girls. Probably some of the attention wasn’t good for me in retrospect but I reveled in it. That was same time I started to first have girls express themselves sexually to me. Even having this one girl named Crystal tell me, and I kid you not, that she wants to have my child.
Later in the summer leading up to ninth grade Emma was bound to stay the weekend at my grandparent’s house in the neighborhood next to my family’s. Before this I was so distracted with all the girls in front of me that I hadn’t talked to Emma in a full year. The poor girl came to the conclusion that I hated her for no reason and I figured that she would hate me for not talking to her for a year. So you can imagine my trepidation when I first saw her. And that fear elevated tenfold when I first saw her rising out of the pool. She had long brown hair which she grew out because of what I said that summer so long ago. My hormones must have looked like Hiroshima. She was gorgeous, hot even. Apparently she had her own Krav Maga experience with volley ball. We had both changed considerably since we were kids.

We had no clue what to do or what was okay or what was appropriate or if we even liked each other. But when we had our first moment alone I know what I wanted to do. So I kissed her. Then she kissed me. That was our first kiss, then our first several kisses. And we did that forever. I didn’t know we could do more or if I was allowed to. So we just kissed that whole weekend. And when we weren’t talking we were just talking about what we liked and how hot we both were. Then we talked about how horrible experiences at middle school. And then she talked to me about her father’s last moments. How he had trouble remembering her and then how he had trouble doing anything. Then she begged me to not leave her like her father did. I felt sorry for her but I truly didn’t understand her pain. I could relate because my mother has had lupus. I should have talked to her more about it but I didn’t know what to say. I also don’t think I cared as much as I should have. All I care about was kissing her more not hearing sad stories. I wish I could back and apologize to her. Then like that she was gone again.
We both had phones this time and texted each other regularly over the course of the summer. This time it was a combination of sweet nothings and texts of a more explicit theme. At that time I don’t know what happened to what my mother taught me but my respect for relationships lessened and lessened leading into high school. I can admit now with some disgust in myself that I used the sweet nothings to convince Emma into being comfortable with the “sexting” and sending nude pictures. To really send home the theme that I’m a bubbling pool of bile I would go weeks even months without contacting her after I got what I came for. This continues on until the end of my sophomore year and my family has another trip to Florida planned. During the time leading up to it I was adamant that I was going to lose my virginity. And I started trying my best into convincing Emma into having sex with me in Florida. At this same time Emma passes out during her one of her volley practices and they think she has a concussion. They go to the MRI and they find out that it’s not a concussion but a tumor. Emma has brain cancer like her father.

She was so scared. She started forgetting things we talked about and agreed about. She started getting headaches and would start stop talking to me mid conversation. And I couldn’t have cared less. I had a condom and I was going to do everything in my power to use it. She had good days and bad days. On the good days I would spend my talking to her, and on the bad days I would talk to other girls.
Finally vacation came and I spent the ride there texting her about what I wanted to do, the “explicitly themed,” things. When I finally got there and was done unpacking she told she was on the roof of the beach house reading alone and told me to come up there to meet her. She was up sitting against the wall with her shaded eyes glued to her book when I finally sat next to her she looked at me and smiled and we kissed. And there was obviously some residual radiation from the last hormone bombing except this time I knew what to do. Clothes came off. And we start figuring everything out, but as soon as it came time to move on she stopped me and I stopped.
This continued on for the rest of the vacation with me pestering her to let me touch her there or here. And constantly pushed her to run behind this door or pushed myself under the blankets. And she would keep stopping and I would complain and whine until she let me have my way. Then on the last day I tried to convince to take care of me. And she told on the phone to meet her outside when everyone falls asleep. Well I go to the meeting spot we both agreed upon and I waited there desperately for two hours. Then I waited another half hour, then another, and another. I finally came to the conclusion she stood me up. I sent her an angry short text about where she is and I can’t believe she fell asleep on me. And then after all that I didn’t text her again after that night. To this day I haven’t texted her.
I don’t where Emma is right now or how she’s doing but that week as troubled me ever since and I wish I had the guts to apologize. The longer I wait the harder it gets. I want to apologize to for not listening to her after her father passed and I was sorry for not being more supportive when the news came. I want to apologize for manipulating her fear and weakness for my personal gain. And I want to apologize for not caring about her more.
Well I was single for the rest of the junior year and the summer after until I met Kayla starting senior year. She is sweet and beautiful with gorgeous brown eyes and brown hair. And when we are together it’s so gentle and deliberate. Kayla is so honest and genuine and I love her. I try to learn from my mistakes from my previous sins and pray to a God I’m not sure I believe in that I do right by her. I always try to stay controlled and reserved around her so I make sure that never hurt her. I text her

everyday and text her every night to make sure she knows I love her when she goes to sleep. I feel so safe with her and she feels safe with me. I’m so grateful for her and appreciate her love for me. I still question though if I deserve a love like this. I’ve done so many horrible things. Things I feel like I can’t even admit to Kayla with fear that she’ll see the monster I am and leave me or not trust me anymore. I’m going to Florida June 4, 2016. Kayla will be going with me there and Emma will also be there. I don’t know what to do and I’m so scared. Do I deserve redemption or even forgiveness? I suppose that’s for you to decide.

And thats the end of the essay. Tear my ass hole up.

pic related that's emma's profile pic on facebook

I'm not sure if this is real, but I'll assume it is.

Remove colloquialism such as "talked about," and replace them with formal words like "discussed." As well, "that and flying in an airplane" isn't formal English either. With phrases like this consider simply rephrasing them or using a dash so to indicate its basically a non-grammatical interjection.

Also, you should explain the time you spent with Emma in more detail so to better emphasize the emotional aspects of your narrative.

>>8110638
thanks. Yeah this has all just been a huge writing binge so i guess i slipped up on the details. But thanks for the suggestions. And yeah this is a semi true story. Some of the time differences might be different but recalling all this precisely is kinda hard.