How do I stop wishing I was dead?
I've been on HRT for quite long, I look andro, got literally all the surgeries within this year and even have a guy with a savior complex interested in me but all the same I want nothing more than to drop dead in an instant.
I've had therapies, meds, times being locked up in the secure ward and all that shit people always suggest and yet my suicide thoughts are as vivid as if they were memories.
If I just imagine myself standing ontop the skyscraper I get all tense and that nasty feeling in my stomach, can picture the streets beneath me like I'm already there but at the same time I feel it's the one right thing and long for the jump and the relief it will bring and then when I imaginarily brace for the jump I get all ill but feel like I could actually do it if I was there that very moment.
I have everything going for me but I look forward to that one jump more than any of the surgeries. How do I stop being so emotionally retarded? I been knocking myself out with meds all these last weeks cause being asleep and dreaming seems to be the only way I can endure, or even enjoy this life.
But now I'm out of meds and no matter what I try to distract myself with, it always leads to me thinking about how I'm gonna kill myself. Couldn't cheer myself up with my appointments being around the corner since the day I scheduled them. I should be excited, not suicidal, so what the hell is going wrong?
>>5853151
How often do you drink?
Do you experiment with any drugs?
>>5853174
I try to avoid alc because meds just work better. But I guess now I have to substitute with alc...
Far as drugs go, I'm only interested in shrooms and acid etc. but most of the time I have near death experience horrortrips, struggle to breathe for hours and drown in self pity.
If we're talking prescription meds, yeah sometimes I make cocktails.
>>5853205
You make cocktails of what exactly?
I don't think drinking is a good idea, btw.
>>5853228
Anything to subvert my consciousness is a good idea tbqh.
Neuroleptica, benzos, various forms of antdepressants, progesterone+food for that extra dizziness and sometimes just a beer ontop. Some can knock me out for 20h+.
>>5853254
I mean, this may offer relief at the moment but it's unsustainable lomg-term. Honestly, you should tell your therapist about this and make a pact with yourself that you're going to avoid this stuff. Benzos are bad news. Physiological dependence is bad! You need to distance yourself from all that asap. I know that dealing with feels is shite but that's the right choice in the end if you want to recover!
>>5853280
I prefer the neuroleptica over the benzos anyway, takes them like one hour and boom I'm gone.
I'm not really troubled by the drugs or their dependency or side effects and there's long enough period inbetween to reassure myself being sober is still unbearable, not because I'm psychologically or physically dependent but because my life just sucks. It's ridiculous how many things trigger me and having thoughts that make me feel miserable for the rest of the day is unavoidable.
Sometimes I can go a day without that happening if the stars align right or something and then I don't do any drugs but those days are rare.
>>5853317
I mean, what you're describing is straight up dependence on substances. To me it sounds like you're using in order to manage your anxiety and depression. I don't fault you for that but you need to get off that junk and commit to meds that will bring you to baseline if you actually want to recover. Maybe your doc prescribed the wrong thing? It's hard to say if you're tinkering with a bunch of other things.
>>5853368
>meds that will bring you to baseline if you actually want to recover.
Years and years of that not happening led me to believe it's naive to hope it ever will. Guess why I have all these meds at home.
We tried lots of medication before the both of kinda gave up and now it's just down to me telling him what meds I wanna "try" again, because he's similarly out of ideas.
And honestly I can effortlessly go without meds, but the depressions drive me insane. It's mostly trans-related what drags me down, but not only. There's this depression ontop that paints everything grey and makes it impossible to enjoy anything at all and then I just take anything that knocks me out out of desperation. I could substitute, say, benzos for alc, except alc makes me feel super shitty the day after which is annoying.
>>5853411
Just fucking stop taking that shit, all of it
Go do some meditation and contemplate, but what you're doing is retarded and you're lying to yourself to justify it.
>>5853598
>and contemplate
Fairly sure that does the opposite of what you want it to as I've already said before.
>>5853602
See you're justifying the drugs again "Oh no there's no other way"
Go look at awareness meditation, it's a powerful tool for getting over anxiety, and also go see a therapist who's sole recourse isn't to fling happy pills at you.
Sheesh, I bet you live in America too
>>5853608
>Sheesh, I bet you live in America too
No I don't, and I don't have anxiety either.
My current therapist is my 5th or 6th.
>>5853151
hi anon
some people experience depressive and suicidal spells that can be remedied relatively simply with time, support, care. others, perhaps like you, fall into an existential rage/terror that is not a mood, but a consequence of how disparate life is from what one might want it to be. that kind of soul-crushing feeling doesn't go away. so one grows around it.
life is a moment between two eternities. the suffering and satisfaction we experience throughout life, no matter how drastically we impact the people and the world around us, are tiny and ephemeral. a hundred-year lifespan may seem unendurable as we slog through it, but so did those afternoons in grade school that left bored young eyes glued to the clock in anticipation of the dismissal bell. even if your life turns out to be 36,525 days of unfettered agony, one day you WILL die, and whether or not you were ever able to find footing against the battering of the universe against you, you will forever afterward be maximally detached from every peak and every valley of your life experience.
so hate it, scream at it, struggle in futility to change it, and laugh at it, love whoever you can find to love within it - but live out your life. you will agree one day that it is only a dream.
OP I’m curious, do you accept yourself as a woman? Not as a guy who wants to be a woman, not as a guy who feels like a woman, not as a guy who’s managed to get everyone seeing him as a woman, but as an actual woman? Because if you don’t, that might be a source of the depression.
>>5853719
This is a good post, thanks for replying. I'm the first person to reply to OP. I just want to say again that you need to stay sober till further notice. I think the whole issue of "emotional retardation" might be resolved if you aren't self-medding to deal with the feels. I know it's easier said than done but it's the only way as far as I'm concerned.
>>5853151
Sounds like you've been stuck in your own head for waaaaay too long.
script meds are bad news if you become dependent, it'll suck but like the last anon said you gotta lay off that shit if you want to heal properly.
The 3 best things (in my opinion) to help fight depression are help from your support network (friends, family, doctors, etc), exercise (running has legit saved lives) and psychedelic drugs (LSD or psilocybin mushrooms) Tripping should be a last resort, but it can really help if you've got the mental fortitude.
If you really want to heal your psyche and SAVE YOUR LIFE, then you have to take risks to feel better even if it's stuff you wouldn't do under normal circumstances. The greatest trait of the human condition is our ability to adapt to a situation to survive, and now it's your turn.
But seriously go running or start exercising, it'll help so much. If you're worried about it throwing off your transition then your transition is going to have to take a back seat so you can SAVE YOUR LIFE.
>>5854134
No I guess I don't...
>>5854158
I've been trying that for so long and got absolutely nowhere. Haven't exactly been a druggie for years, but I've sure been miserable for years.
>>5854205
>Sounds like you've been stuck in your own head for waaaaay too long.
Loneliness does that I guess. Meaning I don't really have a support network apart from this guy I'm semi-online-dating with. The drug thing didn't work either, been there several times.
Last time I went exercising I got so frustrated with myself, how absolutely not fun it was and what a shitty condition I'm in that I went and got drunk instead. I don't know how I can stay persistent with those things cause I'm all over the place.
And surgeries are in 6 days, there's no exercising for the next two months anyway.
I don't wanna discredit everything you said, but with just about anything that requires persistency, I need help with. Doing things on my own, for my own is like the hardest thing.
I'm bipolar, so anything I feel like doing lasts just a few days before my mood flips around again, even if I did feel good for a while.
Being like that makes it stupid hard to find anyone who could help me bring at least some order into my life.
>>5854319
>No I guess I don't...
Well, that's potentially a huge problem. It's like you're pursuing a goal that you yourself consider intrinsically unattainable. Without an attitude change, surgeries and further feminisation are all just temporary measures that ultimately lead to even more frustration when you realise you still don't consider yourself a woman. Having this happen with SRS in particular is the final culmination of an unsuccessful attempt to fool oneself into believing that one is a woman, and that might be why so many trans girls kill themselves afterwards.
I'd suggest acquainting yourself with the relevant scientific literature on transgender brains. Chances are good that you've had an anatomically intersexed brain from day one, and that transitioning to womanhood isn't just some disorder, but a legitimate desire to match your outer life with the sex of your brain. Studies on children with gender dysphoria have revealed that it's not just the part of the brain that self-identifies gender, but the ENTIRE brain that matches the neurological patterns of their identified, rather than their birth-assigned, sex. That means you 'really are' a woman, not just someone who feels like one. And it's possible that this might bring you a great measure of inner peace.
>>5853151
the best thing is dxm cause it's dissociative and it dissociates you from disphoria
source:been taking every week or more often for 2 years
it's also aviable in every pharmacy
>>5853151
what about life makes it unbearable for you?
>>5854493
Thanks, but if I'm like that why is it so hard to move on and socially transition? Not that I've had many occassions where I did present as girl, but I still behave like a total guy and can't let go of that habit.
I might just be an unwritten paper as I live mostly in seclusion, but I feel the best I'll ever be is some tomboy, if even. And christ, do I hate my body.
I keep thinking this isn't the right thing to do, but when I consider the alternative I just feel lost.
On the other hand I'm not bothered at all at the prospect of getting my surgeries, but I do fundamentally have to change who I am somehow to be congruent with the result and I don't know how I would do that. Putting on girly stuff, and trying to behave like one gives me nothing but I feel it should be liking it as reaffirmation that I am doing the right thing but instead I'm wondering why it doesn't come to me naturally. I feel like a bad actor trying to portray the other gender always conscious about how they behave so I could make that my own, and that's fake as hell in my book.
>>5854500
Not sure if they do have that here but I'll remember that, thanks.
>>5854567
Dysphoria does, how awfully self conscious I've become and generally everything about my personality; I feel like I'm an asshole and just can't help it. But I also can't find joy in absolutely anything. My whole life has been a history of trying to do what others seem to find fun only to disappoint myself and getting annoyed about how absolutely not fun things are. If things wouldn't all look so grey to me I guess that would help a lot to be a bit less of a repellent personality but I'm probably only good for dragging others down when in company.
>>5854633
I feel the best I'll ever be is some tomboy, if even.
Then be a tomboy. Look to say that your womanhood is real and not an illusion isn’t to deny that you have a single masculine bone in your body. Every woman, cis or trans, does. You can REALLY be a woman without COMPLETELY being a woman, but if that prospect bothers you, try training yourself to adopt more girlish habits. And once you’ve transitioned, do yourself a favour and find yourself a boyfriend. All the trans girls here seem to fall further into the traditional feminine groove when they start seeing a guy, it’s just instinct.
>>5859427
>it’s just instinct.
Well that would be nice...
But honestly who would want to be with such a wreckage? I can't see that going well.
>>5854633
>My whole life has been a history of trying to do what others seem to find fun only to disappoint myself and getting annoyed about how absolutely not fun things are. If things wouldn't all look so grey to me I guess that would help a lot to be a bit less of a repellent personality but I'm probably only good for dragging others down when in company.
Obv we should get together because
>I'm probably only good for dragging others down when in company.
is my personality 100% and I've never had a day of dysphoria in my life.
Some of us are just born to see the bad in everything. We make good investigators because we seek out the truth. Problem is the truth can be horrifying and also incredibly disappointing. It's difficult for us to live with delusion (hence your struggle with trying to "act" because you're constantly second guessing and conscious of whether it's an act or not).
The cure for this? I wish I knew. I have been in some form of psychological pain for the last 6 years, and as insightful or coldly logical I can be, I cannot divine the answer to this problem. I do the best I can - like everyone else.
If I had to give any advice, consider the strength you have displayed already and call on that when you need to. You have had to of shown serious mental fortitude to take things as far as you have with self-determination and self-actualizing as something you want to be, or more accurately, ARE. You are because you made reality bend to you - not the other way around. Not very many people can do that. Not very many people are willing to fight the absurdity of life when they are utterly conscious of it all the time.
That takes actual courage, to the very definition of the word.
>>5860573
>Obv we should get together because
That sounds more like a suicide pact...
>>5860573
>If I had to give any advice, consider the strength you have displayed already and call on that when you need to. You have had to of shown serious mental fortitude to take things as far as you have with self-determination and self-actualizing as something you want to be, or more accurately, ARE. You are because you made reality bend to you - not the other way around. Not very many people can do that. Not very many people are willing to fight the absurdity of life when they are utterly conscious of it all the time.
>That takes actual courage, to the very definition of the word.
I'll try to recall that. Thanks for the kind words.
>>5860531
Other wrecks, which of course sounds unappealling, or, if you're lucky enough to find the right guy, other FORMER wrecks who have come out of their experiences stronger, wiser and possibly even kinder than they were before (or most people ever are). I like to think of myself as the latter and I prefer trans girls and other types of girls who are fucked up in the head because it's hard to relate to people who haven't gone through SUM SHIT, even if my own is no longer actively eating at me, and because having been down the depression and dysfunction road and come back myself, I feel adequately equipped to be in a relationship with someone making the journey herself.
>>5861392
>I feel adequately equipped to be in a relationship with someone making the journey herself.
That sounds nice. I hope you find what you're looking for.
Can't help but think your type is as rare as trannies are though. I've never heard of someone who actually recovered from serious mental issues, personally.
>>5861659
Yeah it’s a little disturbing, I have a roommate with severe anxiety and the kind of OCD that makes you have intrusive weird thoughts, and another friend who’s just a nihilist, and I’ve been frustratingly unable to pass on my newfound optimism and sense of purpose to them. Part of what helped pull me out of my decade-long depression was finding that I could indulge my passions even working a shitty blue collar nine-to-five, which is easier if you actually HAVE passions, but some people just aren’t really into anything. Another thing is that I’m religious so there’s that opportunity to reframe your own self worth and sense of purpose by focusing on something else, paradoxical though that might sound. The one thing that might be universal is that I got into MBTI and Confucianism and really began to put stock in there being different ‘types’ of people with different ideal roles in society, so it became easier to accept that I was always going to be something of a pariah, and that this is okay and in the long run better both for me and for society. I know a lot of trans people are worried about being freaks and I often wonder whether their worries might not be assuaged by the realisation that even weirdos and misfits have a rightful place in society, it’s just toward the fringes rather than the centre with all the normies, but that’s honestly probably what most of us desire anyway.
>>5853151
>How do I stop wishing I was dead?
suicide
>>5854134
I could have written ops post. I feel like I have no identity anymore. Being a woman seems foreign even at this point of Being on hrt for years. I don't live full-time and want ffs but I am terrified it won't change anything. I'll still feel like a messed up guy on the inside instead of a woman. Im very very jealous of trans and others who know who they are and have strong identities
>>5854493
>pursuing a goal that feels intrinsicaly impossible
Wow that was a great description of what it feels like sometimes. It's not even about passing physically. It's about how you feel in relation to other men and women and what sphere you have lived in as a child and what feels comfortable and what doesn't
>>5854493
But then you bring up brain sex and I just can't take you seriously. I believe we molded more by socialization. It's much more important and someone socializing as a male as a kid Will never be a true female
>>5863412
>Will never be a true female
Ouch.
>>5862979
Yee I'm getting there.
>>5863400
You are a messed up guy. Nothing will change that. You just have to deal with it, honestly.
>>5853151
sounds like you are fucked if you have truly tried everything and nothing works
some peoples brains are just defunct and resistant to the drugs
you'd need to get stoned/on tranks 24/7 just for the life to be tolerable
sucks, I've had major depression and suicide attempt when It felt like the only relief option
but at least meds work for me
>>5863400
estrogen boy is an identity too
>>5864288
>estrogen boy
>>5863400
have you considered "agender"? tumblr meme identities can be legit in some cases imo.
>>5863412
>But then you bring up brain sex and I just can't take you seriously. I believe we molded more by socialization.
Well, you’re wrong, so stop torturing yourself with it. Look even I didn’t have a childhood that was transgender levels of shittiness, but it was pretty fucking miserable and I’ve basically had to assemble my entire identity starting in my late teens. I don’t think it’s impossible for you girls to do the same. Push your limits. Do the shit you need to do in order to become the person you want until it STOPS being uncomfortable. As I say in so many of these threads, what else are you doing with your time besides feeling miserable and thinking about suicide.
