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When I'm horny or just feel like I want to cum I like putting on music videos were the women are pretty and dressed slutty. I can't really jerk off to it unless my in goes into thinking about other men's body(especially their cocks, and good physique). I'm pretty sure I've managed to fetishize women by thinking about other men, because i really only became interested in about the opposite gender by watching porn( remember getting really horny when I saw the mens flaccid penis in those first porn flicks I saw.

Since I've been a repressed homosexual most of my life I've manage to get off without it seeming gay to myself by the logic off: "Jerking off to naked girls without there being a cock around her is for teenager and prudes, looking at dick is were it's at, That's why I google dick pics and jack off to them, because pussy gets boring when there's a cock, that's the nature of porn."

Thinking about sleeping with girls doesn't excite me(at all anymore), while I can get a hard on(uncontrollable) for an hour because some older man on grindr was chatting me up and offering me to stay at his house for a night.

Sometimes I feel like my homosexual feelings are because of mental illness(and feeling like I'm not really gay). I really havn't felt all that much sexual desire for girls, but when I allow myself to go into having gay fantasies I get really hard and my hearts beats faster(when I think about someone I know).

I'm so confused, because I know I've fetishized at least on gender, but which on I'm not sure off(I can remember having a lot of homoerotic tensions as a kid). I just can't seem to go with the flow about my sexuality, because being a straight guy that has sucked another's man dick is pretty pathetic.

Pic related(I'm mildly autistic so figuring out my feelings can be quite hard sometimes).