Can we talk about internalised homophobia?
Post your stories, breakthroughs and issues with it.
For instance, today I was playing Fallout 4 and found myself reluctant to romance Paladin Danse because he's a man, and I'm a man. I'm attracted to men, but for some reason I autopiloted and assumed it would be wrong. Fuck.
>>5322145
Wait-wait-wait! You can romance the Danse?!
I've always thought of homosexuality as had something to do with being morally loose, psychopathic behavior, gluttony and no self control. I've also most of my life seen some homosexuals as being mentally ill, that their mental illness lead them to being gay.
Now that I've accepted that I'm gay(again) and stopped repressing it and getting off by watching big cock straight porn, dick pics, and kekoldory, tranny shit etc etc.
Now I just go right for the jugular, which is gay porn, were I see myself in the porn as being the submissive, it feels like I'm a teen again discovering porn. I get so hard by watching gay porn and accepting that I just want the dick personally(and not us girls as proxies).
I've still got a lot of internalized homophobia. When I see a flamboyant gay I still get the "ohh what a unbearable faggot" but not as much.
Also I can't shake the image of gay old leather bears and bug chasing...
>>5322158
I've fucked the black minute man guy, turns out he's a submissive bitch. The lone wanderers dick must be great.
>>5322145
Used to hate drag queens
Used to Hate Mr. Garrison (he's still a fucking retard though)
Used to hate being seen as sensitive or feminine
Now, not so bad.
I'm a transfag. Let those who can accept it, accept it.
Fuck it...
>>5322145
I think I got over it almost completely, though I used to hate myself to the point of attempting suicide.
I haven't played F4, but gay characters in media usually make me cringe for some reason.
>>5322247
I hate drag queens and femfags too, but Mr/Ms Garrison was hilarious.
That's transphobia though, not homophobia.
Think people with HIV/AIDS are nasty. Wouldn't want to be friends with one or let one touch me. Don't think that the government should pay for HIV/AIDS treatment.
>>5322215
What do you mean by again?
I find it gets in the way of my attraction to guys. I'm bisexual so it's easy to default to women even if I know I'd prefer a qt boyfriend.
>>5322372
Bethesda characters all default to bisexual. Usually if you can romance a character you can do it irrespective of gender.
Paladin Danse is macho as fuck. He also sounds like George Clooney.
>>5322763
I went on ssri, drunk a lot, had sex with a girl and thought to myself, hey I guess I'm not really gay or bisexual. Meanwhile I jerked off to some pretty gay shit and gay thoughts, but hey, I also jerked off to straight porn so I couldn't be gay. Every straight guy can get off to looking at well endowed men, it's totally normal.
This is what i've been thinking while even jerking off to gay porn... then I started thinking to myself "i've been going through a month of cock worshiping, that's not exactly straight."
I've always just not tried to think of men as attracted, but once I started watching gay porn again, I felt like a lid had been open, and I started getting even aroused by seeing hot, fit men.
I jerk off a lot so that dolls my sexual awareness when I'm out in public, I should really just lay off it and actually just try to improve my life and have actual sex instead of jerking off at least 4 times a day.
I just feel disconnected from it all, its like my body is gay but my mind is straight, like sometimes I'll feel a tingle in my pants when I see a guy I'm not even attracted to, its annoying. And my dick responds much better to gay fantasies than straight, but always leaves me feeling gross after I cum. I've yet to anything with a guy cause I know I'll regret it. I'm hesitant to embrace this side of me, while it does keep my dick hard, I'm not sure it's gonna make happy chasing sad cums.
>>5322145
>>5322158
>>5322372
>>5322777
>mfw i've been playing a female character all this time because I read your character couldn't be gay
I just wanted to be with danse senpai
>>5322145
Nobody should be attracted to men, period.
>>5323006
If you're on PC you can use console commands to change your gender and then visit a facial reconstruction surgeon, or use console commands again.
>>5323022
but men are great
>>5322145
Wall of china up ahead
>be me
>back in high school, senior year
>up until said point had never actually felt like being gay was a big deal
>did not influence my life at all
>slowly let go of 2D, start getting into 3D
>it's kpop
>"holy crap these girls are qt and hot at the same time"
>get really into it
>feels great, like I am expressing myself as an actual sexual being
>doesn't feel like it's enough
>feel need to come out to someone, decide it should be my best friend
>this was back in summer '14, chickened out till november
>finally come out
>regret it, feels like suddenly being gay is my only defining trait
>can't enjoy kpop as much
>human interactions become hard
>constantly remind myself I'm a weirdo freak, no woman will ever like me as they love guys
>think they'd probably feel grossed/ creeped out by me if they knew
>feel pathetic and disgusting
>lose confidence
>feels go on and off for about a year
I'm still not sure how I managed to build myself some steady confidence after that, but I will often still question what the hell am I expecting from girls that feels so good when 100% of all of them that I meet and see are straight. I'm certainly biased, but damn do I feel alone sometimes.
>>5323351
>feels like suddenly being gay is my only defining trait
I hate that, I miss being a child unaware of my own sexuality, now everything seems to revolve around it.
I can't be perceived to like gay people.
Doing so would threaten my masculinity in the eyes of others.
That's how my brain rationalizes it.
I guess people would say I have internalized homophobia. I don't really care for much for gay culture or community, with apps I see no reason for being out. The only part of me that is really gay is that I fuck male assholes. I don't care for romance or love, I fuck and leave. I don't go to pride parades or see any reason for gay rights, I'd prefer to live in a time where homosexuality happened in specific places and it was more like an individual thing you took part of, not a movement. I don't care about having gay friends, I can talk with my straight friends about anything. That's about it.
I see myself as mentally ill. I try and suppress that but it doesn't always work.
I have a FWB who fucks me every time he can (I think I'm his oneitis because I don't know how he puts up with me).
I cum and realise what I've done I just want to die. I start saying that I'm straight and I don't know what I'm doing. Then I get disgusted with myself and how I gave into the homofaggotry and go into homophobic repression mode for about a month or two. Eventually my shell cracks again and I repeat the process.
Fuck this shit, make me straight.
>>5323544
I used to feel horrible when I first started jacking off to gay porn, I felt like such a worthless beta faggot. I tried to forget what I did. Then I would do it again, but not feel as bad as I did it the first time.
It gets better bro, but sometimes I feel like i've made myself gay for obsessing over porn videos with big cocks.
I don't really know how attraction really feels, I see beuitful women, with nice ass and breastes and all that and I like to look, but I don't really get turned on. I also like to look at other penises in the shower, and when I see a well endowed fit man walking around in all his glory, I tend to pop a semi.
I'm just so confused by the concept of attraction, I might feel attracted to people without even knowing it, or maybe im not just attracted to people. It's weird, it confuses the fuck out of me, maybe i've just jacked off to many times and became desensitized to being attracted to people. But If i get to know a person I will often have fantasies of them in my spank bank.
Also, I'm not often around people my age so I don't even have the chance to become attracted to someone.
Can someone please explain how attraction feels? Does it have to do with your dick getting bigger when you think about that person?
Man i really am a robot.
>>5322145
>For instance, today I was playing Fallout 4 and found myself reluctant to romance Paladin Danse because he's a man, and I'm a man. I'm attracted to men, but for some reason I autopiloted and assumed it would be wrong. Fuck.
That auto-piloting might not be internalized homophobia. It might just be you role playing a character that was straight.
Whenever I play table top/vidya RPGs I'm not playing as me (i.e. a self insert character). I'm roleplaying somebody else with their own tastes, and when I make choices I try to make choices that are consistent with what the character would choose. Because I'm that kind of nerd I roll a D20 to determine the character's sexuality. Anything under a 16 is straight, while 17 through 19 is bi, and 20 is gay/lesbian.
Anywho, Fallout 4 has a fully voiced character with limited dialogue options. You even start the game with a wife and kid. So your brain putting two and two together that, "oh this guy is straight, so he'd not enter into a relationship with Danse because he's straight" seems fairly plausible to me.
>>5322145
From a young age (12 I think) it was clear to me that guys were attractive, but I refused to let myself admit I was gay. And was terrified whenever I got the tingles from just looking at a guy that I had a crush on, so I started doing mental gymnastics like trying to convince myself:
>"Okay you're not gay, you're bisexual. You just haven't met the right girl, and eventually you'll see a pair of boobs, girls butt, or be around a girl that does something, anything, for you."
I stayed the hell away from porn cites, because somehow I'd always find my way to a picture or video of a guy that would turn me on, and panic me because my fragile little ego couldn't handle the cognitive dissonance. So for the sake of better thought policing I kept everything masturbatory mental or in smutty text. Even then that didn't really work because I'd still find my way to gay smutty literature that I'd try to rationalize away by altering pronouns from "his" to "hers" etc.
When wanking I'd force myself to think about girls, and usually kill my own boner and extend a session to an hour long affair in the process. My mind would periodically drift to guys, and it felt so good, but I'd try to rationalize that as:
>oh, uhh, I must be imagining myself as this guy, okay I can focus on that. Because, umm, not gay reasons.
Then just as I'd come I'd force a mental image of a girl into my head, so I could lie to myself that:
>Yeah, I'm totally attracted to girls and don't get off to guys. Yup, that's a totally straight thing to do.
The really absurd part is that I knew whenever I ran out of time to avoid blueballing myself I'd just focus on dicks or guys and cum immediately.
It wasn't until I got into my twenties that I gave up the delusion that at some point I'd find women as attractive as I found men.
>>5323714
>Can someone please explain how attraction feels?
The way I determine if I'm attracted to someone is usually if notice that I idealize and focus on that person more than others in the room. Like if I can't easily think of their flaws, I'm a very critical person, or if I can identify a flaw I consider it a very cute minor one.
I'm also terrible with names and faces, but I always manage to remember the names and faces of the guys I have a crush on.
If they make any type of physical contact, and if I'm not anxious about an inappropriate touch, it's intensely comforting.
>Does it have to do with your dick getting bigger when you think about that person?
Yes, that's often a component. But instead of just getting your dick hard at the thought of their physical attributes you might fantasize about more, for lack of a better term, soft core acts of intimacy. Like imagining hugging, kissing, or spooning with that person.
I also don't think about how I could get off, but rather what would make that person feel good first and foremost even when fantasizing about them.
>>5322145
idk OP. i was clearly gay at 12 and too rational to deny it to myself. i accepted it very early but didn't tell people because i was too ugly to date for awhile
>>5323714
I still feel that way about gay porn but the real sex is the killer. Especially when you are a ultra-submissive bottom. One minute I'm handcuffed, blindfolded and tied up and then I realise what I've let myself become and fucking begin freaking out.
Currently just thinking about all of this makes me sad, I hate gay people. I fucking hate every one of them so much. How can be gay with no shame? Anger builds up inside of me just picturing a "comfortably out" guy.
>>5324110
>Because I'm that kind of nerd I roll a D20 to determine the character's sexuality. Anything under a 16 is straight, while 17 through 19 is bi, and 20 is gay/lesbian.
I think you passed "kind of a nerd" a while ago. lol
>Not rolling 3d6 for Keynesan scale sexuality
Pleb.
>>5322145
I hate myself for being a gross faggot and I always will
>>5325022
>I think you passed "kind of a nerd" a while ago. lol
Indeed, THAT kind of a nerd with extra emphasis on the THAT was what I was going for.
>Not rolling 3d6 for Keynesan scale sexuality
>Pleb.
Last year a DM asked me what I was rolling for in a point buy character gen game, and I sheepishly told her about my D20 sexuality system, she said almost exactly this.
I was super embarrassed, and in a rush explained that I wasn't trying to turn the game into an ERP, bring up sexuality, or drag people into my magical realm. Whole table laughed at my desperate herp derpy explanation, and I was mortified. But she made up for it all with a love interest NPC in the game, and I started using my cellphone to roll my plebby D20.
>>5325114
Your dm sounds pretty boss.
>>5325022
>Keynesan scale
>>5325168
She's pretty experienced with improvising dialogue, has a decent enough range of voices that people could tell whenever different NPCs are speaking without a prompt, regularly fudged dice when players were getting frustrated, was a master of the imperceptible railroading, she focused on narrative games, had a full cheese plate with tasty lemon'd apple slices and almonds at every game, and sacrificed focus on combat encounters.
Then my schedule changed, and I had to stop going to her games. Life is suffering.
>>5322145
The opposite happened to me. I was playing a video game and talking on a chatroom about one of the feminine males. I'm a lesbian but he's so cute, mannerism and appearance. A lot of the guys on the chat agreed so I'm not alone in wanting to fuck him. It's not gay to date a twink.
As a tranny it's so weird to me to see people stressing out over just being gay. It seems like such a non-issue
>>5325267
>i'm not straight I swear!
>he's practically a women anyway
Too cute.
>>5325293
It's not that. I'm not a tranny but I usually act more tomboyish because most of my friends are gay and you wouldn't want to date the gender of your friends, would you? kinda thing. And I don't think being attracted to a video game drawing equals to being anything. Same with OPs thing but in reverse.
But seriously, the most attractive people on this planet are those who no one can tell whether they're male or female because then both men and women can be attracted to them with less guilt than with too masculine or too feminine people.
>>5325308
Stop using logic to ruin my imagination.
I agree though, I didn't really think that was the case I just really liked the idea.
I guess I still guess whether someone's gay or not by the way they dress/style their hair/etc.
>>5323380
This. I'm already extremely self-aware about my personality and whatnot but now I've gotta deal with my sexuality as well.
>>5325289
Yeah, I hope this doesn't come off as shitty or hug-boxy, but growing up a closeted gay kid the few trans people I was acquainted with really gave me a lot of perspective and encouragement when dealing with my own issues. This is probably atypical, but my only experience with trans people in real life have been overwhelmingly positive ones.
It was obvious that they dealt with so much more than me openly, and from what I could tell, gracefully. So I'd regularly think, "okay how would she handle this issue."
It was a bi tranny friend in highschool that saw through my closet before even I could, and made me believe it was okay to be gay.
Then there was a family friend trans woman, that I didn't even know personally, who talked my mother down and advocated for me when my mother found out I was gay.
