Jokes
Images are sometimes not shown due to bandwidth/network limitations. Refreshing the page usually helps.
You are currently reading a thread in /k/ - Weapons
You are currently reading a thread in /k/ - Weapons
Hey /k/, I got a joke for you.
What do you call it when a German shoots 400 Russians?
A decisive Soviet victory.
Three Nazis walk into a BAR...
What do you call it when your country unconditionally surrenders, all the women are raped, and it gets divided in half? German tactical victory.
Ever hear about the KGB magician?
He could make people disappear.
>Japs now available in regular and extra crispy
>>29727418
Out of all the horrible things humans have done to each other, the dropping of the atomic bombs cast the longest shadow.
French rifle for sale! Dropped twice never fired
How many gears does an Italian tank have?
1 for forward, 5 for reverse
>>29731638
What is holocaust?
What is rape of Nanking?
What is Armenian genocide?
What is starvation of Ukraine?
What is Maoist Cultural Revolution?
What is Killing Fields?
What is british concentration camps in South Africa?
etc
etc
etc
etc
>>29731677
Fucking retard...
>>29731638
It had a massive impact on the world certainly, but so would any use of nuclear weaponry, and is pretty well justified. Also as >>29731677 humans have been pretty shit to each other, calm your tits Tojo.
>>29731686
>>29731677
This is a joke thread you autistic fucks!
>>29731677
>What is british concentration camps in South Africa?
Perfectly justified to anyone who's ever met an Afrikaaner.
>>29731686
Pic related - do you get it now?
What do you call the flag over Berlin in 45? Red
An entire company of taliban is killed taking a hill from a single australian soldier.
A dying talib staggers back and, as he dies says his final words
"It was an ambush, there were two of them."
>>29731861
this went over my head is that some kind of kiwi humor?
>>29727418
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from: The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought... Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There's two of them."
>>29731891
what do you call it when snow mongoloids fight weakened conscripts with unexperienced officers while losing a strategic location whilst trying to backstab to help their nazi friends?
The Japanese had some really shitty submarines during the war. Even their battleships dived faster.
>>29731891
Fukken sav'd
>>29731900
>>29731686
>>29731677
>>29727438
>MFW people on /k/ can't take the banter
Where's the best place to look for tigers, panthers, and elephants?
The Eastern Front.
>>29731964
I understand tigers and panthers, but what are the elephants
>>29731992
Russians were so desperate they used war elephants from the Moscow Zoo.
>>29731992
>>29731891
Let's face it, if you really wanted to piss people off and cause a shit storm replace it with the British and Argentina.
>>29732059
whats the problem with pissing some ruskies
>>29731696
Agree africaaners are arrogant assholes but fuck poms
>>29732059
I'm not trying to piss people off, i'm trying to tell A FUCKING JOKE.
What do you call 20 guys taking on the entire east front German army and winning
Pavlovs's house
>>29732077
this ain't RO2
>>29731922
Too many slavboos here for those jokes to do very well, I liked it though.
>>29727418
You know why rifle bullets have rimmed casings? So the Marines don't shoot themselves in the head.
>>29733143
I don't get it
>>29733143
Wha?
>>29733143
Bumping from page 9 because I'd really like to hear an explanation for this one
What do you do when a Pole throws a grenade at you?
>>29735654
Same here.
>>29735699
Pull the pin and throw it back.
I know a white nationalist who claims that he's stupid because of Polish ancestry.
>>29735699
You take the pin off and trow it back?
Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee?
>>29733143
Wait... OK so marines are jarheads... so they need a rim..... to shoot.........OK nevermind.
>>29731677
There is no Armenian genocide
>>29735771
They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin?
>>29735958
thats bout russia m8
>>29731891
Mfw.
Why do the French have rearview mirrors on their tanks?
So they can see the frontlines as they retreat.
>>29735958
Yankee cuck detected
>>29736159
>buttmad dixiefag who thinks the war is still on detected
YOU LOST
>>29727438
Did you ever hear the proverb about glass houses and rocks?
>>29736159
I live in Tennessee, rebelfag. This one is told about every single ethnic, national, or linguistic group there is. I've heard it applied to Mexicans, Irishmen, Bongs, Chinks, New Orleanians, kebabs, and now apparently Ruskis.
Wanna talk to an eyewitness of a Spetsnaz hostage rescue?
His grave is right over there.
>>29735895
Thats so god damn lame
How do you know if someone is in the Army or Marines?
They'll tell you.
>>29731997
Can I have a source?
I'm REALLY curious about this.
Used French rifles for sale:
Never used. Dropped once.
"I just got back from a French self-defense course. Who knew running around and flailing could be so tiring?"
>>29731879
there's a snip-
>>29733484
>>29734059
>>29735654
>>29735731
I think the implication is that a Marine would load the cartridge in backwards and somehow, magically, the cartridge would still fire and the bullet would travel back and shoot the guy in the head.
That's at least what I make of it. Fucking stupid.
French tanks have 2 gears for reverse and 1 gear for forward.
Why? In case the enemy comes from behind.
>>29735917
shoo shoo turkroach
>>29727418
>>29738885
Shoo shoo go back to the other cancerous thread.
>>29738820
Shoo shoo go back to cuckland.
The starship Enterprise is in low orbit over a recently discovered class M planet. Captain Kirk says, "There have been reports of hostile activity on the surface of the planet. We are going down to investigate. The away team will consist of myself, Spock, Scotty, and third battalion fifth Marines."
>>29735917
>but where is proofs
>>29735917
>tfw no USA implemented turkroach genocide
Is /k/ the only board where jokes are not allowed? I see so many butthurt slavs and eurotrash
>>29740498
Basically
>t. yuro
>>29740498
/k/ is the joke.
>>29731638
MRW people don't get the joke.
>>29738955
>implying this thread ain't cancerous.
Hitler and Himmler are on top of the tallest building in Berlin. Hitler looks over to Himmler and asks "How can we improve Germany?"
Himmler replies "You Jump, I'll follow."
Stalin is giving a speech in the Kremlin when halfway through a sneeze echoes through the hall. Stalin sharply looks up, glares across the audience and firmly states, "Who sneezed?"
Nobody answers, so Stalin returns to his speech. Not ten seconds later, another sneeze trumpets from the audience, stopping Stalin halfway through a line. Again, he glares upwards, staring icily at his now terrified audience and booms "Who sneezed!?"
No answer. He motions to the guards, "Guards, take the first row out and shoot them."
The guards march the first row out, and minutes later shots are faintly heard from outside.
Again Stalin booms "Who sneezed!?"
No answer.
Again he gestures to the guard, again the next row is shot, and again he bellows, "Who sneezed!?" As he gestures for the guards to shoo the third row, a man in the back hesitantly raises his hand, stands on shaky legs, and stutters "I sneezed." Stalin stares at him, and in a calm voice, says "Bless you, comrade" and resumes his speech.
American, german and russian admirals are standing close to the water of the hamburg harbor
Russian:
> our submarines are so advance, they can stay submerged for two months, no problem.
American:
>Oh c'mon Sergej, our Ohios can stay on patrol for half a year and the crew wont even notice because the subs are so comfy.
Suddenly the water in front of them starts bubbeling.
A periscope surfaces, then a sub turret covered in clams and rust - a submarine
The admirals are pure surprise
The hatch swings open. A man more beard tham clothes emerges.
>Long live the Kaiser! Do you gentlemen know where we can get some Diesel?
>>29741426
I'm nit sure I get it.
>>29727492
With a PKM and an "ABRACADABRA!".
So /k/ what do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? (Ash.)
>>29737781
It's funny because it's true
Three men are sitting in a cell in the (KGB headquarters) Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, who replies, "Because I criticized Karl Radek." The first man responds, "But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail. He answers, "I'm Karl Radek."
>>29736084
Kec
>>29731992
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elefant
>Porsche and Henschel competing for contract to produce Tiger I
>Porsche prototype has newfangled gas/electric transmission
>Saves weight, but also needs a lot of copper
>Porsche is so confident that he has 100 chassis put into production before it's even trialed
>Henschel design is chosen over Porsche's
>Porsche chooses to make a heavy tank destroyer
>axe the turret, build a superstructure around Pak 43 gun, bam, Elefant
>Sent to the eastern front
>Realize they forgot to give it an MG to ward off infantry
>Swarmed by infantry with grenades and molotovs
>>29741442
Present day
Old sub surfaces
Commander greets with "LONG LIVE THE KAISER"
Whats not to understand about that?
How do you know someone's in the marines?
>Don't worry, they'll tell you.
>>29741672
And if you get it wrong they'll remind you
Why does the KGB operate in teams of 3?
>One who can read
>One who can write
>One commissar to watch over the 2 intellectuals
>It takes 10 years in the Soviet Union to get a car
>One young party official, Alexi, decides to get himself one
>Fills out all the forms, produces all the proper certificates, pays all the fees
>Goes to the Lada dealership
>Dealer says "Da, comrade. Come back in 10 years and car will be here."
>"Morning or afternoon?" asks Alexi
>"In 10 years, what difference does it make?" replies the confused dealer
>Alexi answers; "The plumber is coming by in the morning."
Two brothers, John, and Bob, who lived in America and were members of the communist party, decided to emigrate to the USSR. Even though they didn't believe the American media's negative reports on the conditions in the USSR, they decided to exercise caution. First, only John would go to Russia to test the waters. If, contrary to the media reports, the living conditions would be found good, and the reports about persecutions by the KGB false, than John would write a letter to Bob using black ink whose color would signify that the letter is to be taken at face value. If, though, the situation in the USSR happened to be bad, and John would be afraid of writing the truth, he would use red ink thus indicating that whatever he says in the letter must not be believed.
In three months John sent his first report. It was in black ink and read, "Dear brother Bob! I'm so happy here! It's a beautiful country, I enjoy complete freedom, and high standard of living. All the capitalist press wrote was lies. Everything is readily available! There is only one small thing of which there's shortage, namely red ink."
>>29736981
>New Orleanians
We prefer the term swamp people.
Gator fucker is also acceptable.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black
>>29740433
I don't get it.
Anyone wanna hear the 9 most terrifying words in the english language?
>>29735917
Yeah, sure. Those Armenians all committed suicide to make the Turks look bad, right, Anon?
>>29731677
>What is starvation of Ukraine?
Non-intentional. Blown up in a western propaganda campaign.
>>29741231
is that supposed to be funny?
where is the joke?
is there one?
>>29742224
In Star Trek, the Away parties were always the named characters and a few people in red shirts. The red shirts predictably ate it in order to create tension for the episode's conflict.
Shitty jokes you say?
>>29735917
kill yourself immediately, turkroach.
>>29742429
>i remember him. we forgot to shoot him
that one was pretty funny.
>>29731677
>What is Maoist Cultural Revolution?
you mean the Moist Cultural Revolution?
>>29742429
>phone make it blurry as shit.
Oh well.
After the end of WW2 a Finnish soldier is patrolling the border and sees a soviet on the other side of the river.
>I wonder if he is a paratrooper, I'll try to ask him
Not knowing a word of russian, he waves at the soldier and then put his hands in a arc above his head and lower himself with his knees, the Russian soldier doesn't react.
>maybe is from special forces? Wonder the Finn
The Finn moves his hands as if swimming, still no answer from the Russian soldier
>it's a bit of a stretch but maybe he's artillery?
The Finn raise his right arm and grab it with the left one, the soldier still doesn't answer
>I get it now! Is a scout!
The Finn closes his hands into a cylinder shape and put them in front of his eyes as if holding a pair of binoculars
At this point the Russian soldiers leaves without saying a word.
The Russian soldier walks into a officer that asks him
>your shift isn't over already, go back to your post or I will be forced to take disciplinary measures
The Russian soldier replies
>go ahead, on the border there is a crazy Finn that said that when the sun sets he's going to swim through the river and fuck me in the ass so hard my eyes will pop out
after the war
panzer
>now i can enjoy my retirement in a museum, where some cute conservator will. putz my cannon
german
>nein kamerad, there is one last battle for you. The battle of the 4th reivh, i mean the german republic. It will require steel for bridges, tin cans, razor blades...
>>29742567
>>29742567
fucking kek
>>29742236
damnit that aint funny.
>>29742596
some day we will build a huge Totenburg and bring home all the artifacts of the second world war so they have a place to rest honorably.
It kills me inside to see them in the dirty hands of greedy collectors and museums.
Any African conflict
>>29741751
never quite got this
>>29742567
'capped
>>29742858
In Soviet Russia, you also have to wait 10 years for a plumber.
>>29731879
its one of those whole commander sends 1 guy against x, sends 10 guys against x, sends his army against x, survivor comes back, we were tricked, there were 2 of them
>>29742875
>>29735917
nice
>>29736159
>>29738791
>>29740459
>>29740488
>>29742244
>>29742501
morons who can't humor
>>29742356
Hitler was an idiot and Himmler knew it
Go read a Jack Higgins book, nerd
>>29742926
Being a turkroach may be a joke, but it is not the sort of joke we are looking for in this thread.
>>29741622
he probably got confused since it doesnt say anything to indicate it was modern
[spoiler]still a poor joke tho[/spoiler]
>>29742949
>Ohios
>>29741751
When Reagan told this joke I just about shit myself.
>>29732270
too many ameriboos here for my tastes who can't handle the bantz
>What do you call it when your soldiers have a lower risk of dying in a warzone than your school children?
>>29743044
Extremely effective training and equipment
How do you know you've got a soviet bug in your room?
There's a new cabinet in your room.
>>29742224
>third battalion fifth Marines
5th battalion 3rd marines was deployed to fallujah during the Iraq war and ate pure shit failing to hold the city and had to be relieved by the 82nd airborne who successfully completed what the marines could not.
>>29743058
on behalf of the school shooter?
>>29731891
>>29741379
Dig it.
>>29743286
one square foot for every dead vatnik
>>29742289
Go away you fucking slavaboo.
Your communist food redistribution resulted in millions dying. Get over it.
>>29743155
On behalf of the army you doofus.
>>29733143
So the bullet goes in facing forward, not backward. FFS Proves my point.
How are Marines like bananas?
They start off green, they turn yellow, then they die in bunches.
>>29737781
How do you know if someone was in SEALs?
They'll write a book about it.
>>29742567
>>29742356
Joke told in 1943, person who said it was shot by the gestapo.
>>29743458
like I said ameriboos cant handle the bantz just like they can't handle their high blood sugar and type 2 diabetes
>>29743449
what about the Irish remember that capitalist food distribution ?
>>29745319
But senpai, that wasn't the fault of capitalism.
>>29736159
>Starts and fights war over slavery
You have no moral high ground cunt
>inb4 'muh states rights'
Go look at the Confederate declarations and come back
>>29741869
Cajuns =/= New Orleanians
Though I suppose the joke works on them as well.
A nun goes to her mother superior
'Mother, Mother! A man raped me! What do I do?!'
'Calm down child, cut a lemon in half and suck on it.'
'And that will keep me from getting pregnant?'
'No, but it'll get that smug look off your face.'
>>29745319
>potato famine
>capitalist food distribution
No that is another example of failed socialism. Lrn2 Wikipedia
Here's a good joke
My life
>>29738569
Moron
>>29743083
I only ever hear that rumor on 4chan.
>>29743083
>Marine battalion's mission taken over by Army Division.
>That's about right.
what did the little crippled boy get for christmas?
...cancer.
>>29745688
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Someone threw a refrigerator at her.
>>29727428
Dammit took my joke
>>29745688
>>29745707
These are retarded, think of something better
>>29731891
You've been spending too much time on the nugget create .
>>29745503
Yeah, you're so desperate for attention you post unrelated anime shit on a weapons board while talking about yourself.
>>29731677
>>29731686
Do we need to explain the joke
>>29735771
because he was born in bethlehem?
if we're telling jokes, I've got one:
Europe
>>29731997
>>29738569
It's true, my great-grandfather commanded an elephant squadron during the siege of Berlin.
>>29745587
This guy is a retard.
>>29741379
I don't get it. Was it just that Stalin liked to shoot people? If so then it wasn't that funny. If not then I'm just retarded.
>>29745319
That was a deliberate imperial move. Ireland remained a food EXPORTER at that time.
The brits literally made them starve.
>>29745719
Why do shower heads have eleven holes? Because Jews have ten fingers.
>>29731997
Not true, but almost happened during the American Civil War, and Clutch wrote a song about it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-OTe6Z5nOg
>EEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL
>UUUUUUHHHHHHHH
>PPPPHHHAAAAAAAANNNNNTTTTT
>RIDERS
>TO THE
>NOOOOOOOOOOOORTH
>WWWEEEEEESSSSSTTTTT
>BBBRRRIIIIIIIIINNNGGGG
>NEWS OF BATTLE
>>29735917
FUCK OFF ROACH
>>29736200
>>29745389
Jury deliberation can be short
For a smart ass Yankee in a rebel court
>>29746040
That's one of my favorite albums. Great choice, Tovarish. Neil has a lot of great historic references in his lyrics.
>>29745503
/r9k/ leave
>>29738576
My sides
>>29745719
Not a fan of anti jokes?
>>29745465
>Britain pre-1920s
>Remotely 'Socialist'
What's worse than a wasp?
The holocaust.
What's worse than two wasps?
The holocaust.
What's worse than the holocaust?
[spoiler]THREE FUCKING WASPS[/spoilersdontworkherefuck]
