You get to go back in time and have sex with one historical figure of your choosing. Who do you pick?
Me, I'd go for Theodora I.
>>40973
Cleopatra.
>>40973
I'd masturbate to Theodora, but I wouldn't touch with two condoms on my junk
>>She never succumbed to these transports; for she often went to a supper at which each one paid his share, with ten or more young men, in the full vigour of their age and practised in debauchery, and would pass the whole night with all of them. When they were all exhausted, she would go to their servants, thirty in number, it may be, and fornicate with each one of them; and yet not even so did she quench her lust. Once she went to the house of some great man, and while the guests were drinking pulled up her clothes on the edge of the couch and did not blush to exhibit her wantonness without reserve. Though she received the male in three orifices she nevertheless complained of Nature for not having made the passage of her breasts wider, that she might contrive a new form of coition in that part of her person also.
>>She frequently became pregnant, but as she employed all known remedies without delay, she promptly procured abortion. Often, even on the stage, she stripped before the eyes of all the people, and stood naked in their midst, wearing only a girdle about her private parts and groin; not because she had any modesty about showing that also to the people, but because no one was allowed to go on the stage without a girdle about those parts. In this attitude she would throw herself down on the floor, and lie on her back. Slaves, whose duty it was, would then pour grains of barley upon her girdle, which trained geese would then pick up with their beaks one by one and eat. She did not blush or rise up, but appeared to glory in this performance; for she was not only without shame, but especially fond of encouraging others to be shameless, and often would strip naked in the midst of the actors, and swing herself backwards and forwards, explaining to those who had already enjoyed her and those who had not, the peculiar excellences of that exercise.
>>40973
>Not Helena of Troy
Hatepshut
>>41349
I am now curious to where you got this. I want to know more of this absolute decadency.
Augustus' daughter was apparently a massive slut so I'm gonna say her.
>>41543
Procopius' Secret History of the Court of Justinian. It's on Project Gutenberg
>>40973
Elizabeth Bathory.
>>41349
>wished she could take dicks in her tits
I bet she'd fucking LOVE /d/
Man, basically anyone from modern times could go back and get hella laid just from smelling nice.
Olga of Kiev
Anna Frank of course.
>>41349
>>40973
This bootsy lady desu.
>You will never have a qt Prussian gf
>>41761
Saint Olga is the qtest of the horrifying female tyrants.
Napoleon ofc.
>>40973
Evita
>>41349
These exact same things are written about every powerful woman back then, and female relations to every controversial figure. It happens without fail.
>>41349
Jjustinian was a shit
Never marry an actress
Belisarius was twice the man he was, but Theodora made his wife kek him like a bitch while he was off saving the Empire.
>>41853
Would let him impregnate me.
>>41761
>Olga will never crush your balls with her feet while giving you a death stare.
Why live?
>>41633
are you some sort of masochist?
firecrotch bruhs
>>42125
Just imagine how bad she and everyone else smelled, though
>>42146
Also, barbarians being smelly is a Roman meme
>>42178
Everyone smelled like shit back then, though
>>41724
I think they're talking about titty fucking, my virgin friend, not actually having rickshaw fuck her in her tit
JFK
F
K
I would get this one pregnant
>>42218
Celts were specifically said to have used soap and shampoo though
obvi
>>42293
Was going to post this.
![dd6826da5118f03b8d3bb73994c52c0b[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/OgxofpE.jpg "dd6826da5118f03b8d3bb73994c52c0b[1].jpg")
Lidya Litvyak.
>>42276
JFK was a Chad.
>>42241
>she nevertheless complained of Nature for not having made the passage of her breasts wider, that she might contrive a new form of coition in that part of her person also
from the wording that definitely doesn't just sound like a titwank
>You will never be a Greek hero who makes Dido fall in love with you.
>>42424
>implying you don't want to get fucked by a chad
women find chads objectively the best for a reason m8
>you will never stroke that beard
We would opera and chill and gossip about how those smelly fucking marxists are garbage
>>42331
>trying to fuck some plain-jane from the French countryside
>wouldn't even be able to tell it was a woman most of the time
Fucking her would be like sticking your dick in a bocage, anon.
On topic, but I'd hit Lucrezia Borgia. Macaroni Tony's would shank me the morning after, but we all have to die sometime.
>>42441
>Aeneas
>Greek
Laughing Agamemnon, Achilles, Menelaus, Nestor, Odysseus, Ajax, Diomedes, Patroclus, Thersites, and Arkantos
>>41020
Why would you want a chick wholly ruined by incest?
>>42538
>not having a fun time with both Lucrezia and Cesare
Mary, mother of Jesus
Just thinking about how ripe she must smell under all those clothes and makeup really peaks my pecker.
>>42125
>wanting romes used goods
>>42741
I would eat cake with her.
>>41850
For the uneducated
Empress Lü Zhi
She can mount my stallion[spoiler]it's actually a shetland pony[/spoiler
>>42741
>not her infinitely more intelligent mother
questionable taste anon
Helen of Troy
>>41349
I forget the name of that source, but I'm pretty sure most scholars discard it as the standard fare of political shit-talking. Same as the whole "Catherine the Great fucks horses" business.
Katy Perry
>>43912
its procopius
In her prime
Half-German, Half-Japanese
Superior warrior race.
Her.
>>42538
>not being into smelly ambiguously-gendered saints
baka
>>41349
>trusting Procopius
>>46860
It was a secret history, unless you think he deliberately tried to hide it, so it gained validity from that?
>>42441
>Greek hero
Aeneas was as Trojan as you can get.
>>46923
yes
>>45204
>>40973
Anne Frank
>>40973
My histfu
>>47045
Probable, he was a literary genius after all.
>>43814
Why does she have grey hair at 12?
Helen of Troy or Hephaiston
>>41349
Is that Procopius Secret History?
Secret History is [spoiler]a fake[/spoiler] you know?
>>47160
>histfu
Argonian confirmed.
You guys better dig out some more qts or these threads are going to more repetitive than Flanfly.
No one, they all smelled bad and were probably really hairy.
>>43912
Yes, it's Procopius shitposting. But it's also him writing up what he could not do in official writings, mostly court rumours, so there's probably also some truth on them. As in, she was probably half as lustful as your average male monarch.
She was also an actress when she was young, a job associated with prostitution.
>>47693
>implying
>>40973
Elizabeth bathory
Guilles de rais
Cleopatra
Joan of Arc, 100%. Pure, chaste, warrior virgin waifu, what's there not to love?
>>47213
>impliying
I bet you're the same dude denying the historicity of Jesus
>>47178
Fashion.
>>47787
Im not.
And no, not implying, affirming, the Secret History was probably a fake, or at çleast, a very exaggerated account on Justinian, Theodora and Belissarius.
>>47128
Jeff Mangum pls
>>47783
>tfw you can't go back in time and stop dirty english men from raping your waifu
Oswald Mosley
No homo
>>45204
Is that a man?
>>47923
>you'll never save her from becoming fried chicken
>>47759
>guille de rais
He only likes underage m8.
>>47859
I though you pretended to say it wasn't written by him.
And of course it's exaggerated, it's basically a collection of court gossip. But since when are historical sources reliable?
hitler(duh)
Eleanor of Aquitaine, easily.
Powerful, sexy, and with a wicked sense of humour.
>>47978
Is there any famous muslim women at all pre Industrial age?
>>42331
>>40973
degeneracy the thread
>>48120
I like her bobbed hair look
>>48110
The small girl Muhammad married when he was like 40 years older than her. She created what some people calls the first university.
>>42567
>Arkantos
>>48110
aisha, wife of muhammad and daughter to abu bakr, contributed to a lot of early islamic thought and led troops at the battle of the camel, named so because chroniclers at the time didnt want to associate the battle with her name directly
all schools of islamic thought dont really like to talk about her in anything approaching a good light though
Joan of Arc.
>pure
>massive cowtits
>strong enough to walk around in armor all the time so she's probably /fit/
>short hair
>batshit crazy.
She's perfect for me
>>48336
>all schools of islamic thought dont really like to talk about her in anything approaching a good light though
Strange, not even the mu'tazilah?
Last malinche
>>47783
>Warrior
She was nothing but a cheerleader. A cheerleader who was on the front lines and as such is braver than me and many other shit posters but still a cheerleader
[spoiler]Would sodomize though[/spoiler]
In his maid outfit he wore running away from the english...
>>42741
This a thousand times. Plus the fashion of the time gets me going even more. They'd have to make a double guilotine cause I ain't ever pulling out.
>>48405
it's less for strictly religious reasons and more just a disdain for her political actions during the first fitna. looking at something with reason and rationality doesnt really change the fact that she opposed ali and was a powerful woman in her own right, so beyond more modern feminist examinations its mostly a range from 'disdainful support' to 'open hatred'
Before she was old and busted.
>>42977
How did she become a saint.
>>48906
first ruler of kievan rus' to convert to christianity, tho it was her infant son who was technically ruler
>>42218
Celts got their hair blonde and spiky by using lime juice. Not too bad smelling.
>>41349
Holy shit. I didn't know that fetish was so old.
Well there are
>Cleopatra
>Boedicca
>Jean d'Arc
I guess those are it desu
>>40973
>High level discourse is expected
>>48185
this x100
>>41543
It's mostly bullshit cooked up by Procopius, who was really disillusioned with Justinian and he didn't like Theodora cus she probably said something snarky about him (and because she was an upjumped courtesan in a very conservative society)
Imagine having Alfred the Great as your father-in-law.
Besides, not every woman can claim they BTFO the vikings more than once.
Napolean was such a bishie in his prime.
>>40973
Elizabeth at around this time
>>48373
>massive cowtits
Sauce?
Though she probably never existed, Guinevere.
>>41349
Holy shit. Biopic when?
>>45204
Her?
>>53874
>kek
>>53717
I dunno if you could call them cowtits but
>Joan’s female sexuality inevitably became part of the chemistry that drew men to her -- but in a way that was the opposite of the norm. Her squire d’Aulon helped her into her armor every day that she was in the field and it was he who dressed her wounds. He testified that he often saw her naked legs and breasts and that". . . she was a young girl, beautiful and shapely. ..’ D’Alençon said ". .. I slept with Joan and the soldiers ‘on the straw,’ and sometimes I saw Joan get ready for the night, and sometimes I looked at her breasts, which were beautiful."
Anne Boleyn
>>54910
Noice
Have historical boner now.
>>54910
>yfw you will never be that squire
>>40973
Wu Zetian
Something about a powerful yet not-completely ruthless velveted gauntlet female ruler sets of me off
>>54910
Here's the follow up passage to that:
>De Metz testified that though he slept on the ground right next to Joan he “was in such awe of her that I would not have dared go near her; and I tell you on my oath that I never had any desire or carnal feelings for her.” Yet, only a little bit later in his testimony, he proclaimed “....I was on fire with what she said, and with a love for her which was, as I believe, a divine love.” Jean Barbin testified that “The soldiers considered her a saint.” It is no great stretch to suggest that: When young men encounter a beautiful woman who has won their respect to an extraordinary degree, their usual sexual lust may become sublimated into a devotion and loyalty that is passionate but chaste. Joan had the power to make thousands of armed men love her, not as an object of romantic desire but as the living focus of their hunger to serve a higher cause. Whenever Joan rose in her stirrups to shout “Let all who love me—follow me!” over all the din, she was exploiting a special relationship between leader and led that is unique in all history. Ultimately, it was this astonishing ability of Joan’s to make an army of soldiers chastely love her—to the point that they would willingly face death in battle for her—that empowered her to bodily shove history into a new path.
>>55114
I wonder if he ever stroked it to her.
Fuck man, if I could draw some Joan of Arc porn, I would.
>>40973
>Theodora I.
Daily reminder that this miaphysite bitch ho got FUCKIN CHECKED by Pope Agapitus I when he DEPOSED THE FUCKIN PATRIACH OF CONSTANINOPLE who was also a miaphysite.
Elagabalus the first ever trap
>According to Cassius Dio, his most stable relationship seems to have been with his chariot driver, a blond slave from Caria named Hierocles, whom he referred to as his husband.[31]
>The Augustan History claims that he also married a man named Zoticus, an athlete from Smyrna, in a public ceremony at Rome.[41] Cassius Dio reported that Elagabalus would paint his eyes, epilate his hair and wear wigs before prostituting himself in taverns, brothels,[42] and even in the imperial palace:
>Finally, he set aside a room in the palace and there committed his indecencies, always standing nude at the door of the room, as the harlots do, and shaking the curtain which hung from gold rings, while in a soft and melting voice he solicited the passers-by. There were, of course, men who had been specially instructed to play their part. For, as in other matters, so in this business, too, he had numerous agents who sought out those who could best please him by their foulness. He would collect money from his patrons and give himself airs over his gains; he would also dispute with his associates in this shameful occupation, claiming that he had more lovers than they and took in more money.[43]
>Herodian commented that Elagabalus enhanced his natural good looks by the regular application of cosmetics.[37] He was described as having been "delighted to be called the mistress, the wife, the queen of Hierocles" and was reported to have offered vast sums of money to any physician who could equip him with female genitalia.[32]
>>41362
This
She had to have been pretty hot
Queen Isabella of Spain
>>55114
>you will never be called "le beu anon" by her
>she will never overlook your alleged rape and murder of children
>you will never save her
>>41349
I still would.
>>55865
>she will never save you
ftfy
Sappho of Lesbos.
Bitch thought men wasn't good enough for her? I would love to give that grandmother of all feminists taste of raw masulinity.
For the patriarchy!
>>54910
Welp, I know my answer. I was gonna say Boudicca, but I cannot deny wanting that sweet Knight Pussy.
>>42276
Did JFK even lift?
>>47715
Just like Justinian was an actual demon who would make his head disappear and never slept right?
It's full of shit, nothing but slander. It's great though, because as a historical document it shows how butthurt rich bureaucrats like Procopius were that Justinian was taking their money to fund his wars.
>>55262
>implying the miaphysites didn't actually win at chalcedon and the actual disagreement with them wasn't entirely about minor wording of things
>>42538
>Fucking her would be like sticking your dick in a bocage, anon.
>>48185
>liking mentally unstable short hair girls
>>57531
You've described my type to a tee
>>46860
Procopius should become /his/'s mascot historian. Like Stirner was for /lit/
>>57660
be careful my dude, girls like that can and will rip your dick off if they want to
>>57678
>turbo beta-kek
>obbessed with writing in shitty attic greek to the point that he has to spend paragraphs explaining new non-attic greek words
>got butthurt and shitposted a lot because he couldn't get his dick wet
>no one really takes his butthurt ramblings seriously and just finds them amusing to read for how stupidly over the top they are
He's perfect.
>>48185
I'd follow that qt to the ends of the earth
>>40973
Webm related.
>>41349
This sounds like a really elaborate way of calling her a skank.
>>57845
Mein neger
I forgot about this girl: saw her in a WWII YouTube video a long time ago and I remember pausing the video to check her out more.
>>42840
She would let you.
>>42072
so your kid will have his manlet gen
>>57204
No, but that didn't stop him from banging Marilyn Monroe
>>46860
>Chapter 18: How Justinian Killed a Trillion People
>>40973
i dont need to go back, she is still pretty good
10 years old Anastasia.
>>47163
>literary genius
>alright because I'm forcing myself to write in Attic let me spend the next paragraph explaining what a "monk" is
Madame Pompadour
>>55174
A female Griffith.
>>58223
Nice taste my friend
Cleopatra
>>54910
I like to think i'd be one of the very few females not to sleep with men who see me naked in an intimate fashion like that
This guy lemme fugg
>>42567
>no hector
>>42331
La pucelle d'Orléans!
>>53425
FUCK>.
how do you go from that to a short fat man?
LITERAL PERFECTION
>>40973
>passing up the chance to have sex with jesus
>>48120
>That fluted armour
Muh dick!
>>53425
God, I'd let him do me.
Look at that face and that beautiful hair.
>>48120
I would joanne her d'arc
>>58281
London!
>>42538
>Lucrezia
>Not Cesare
What are you, some kind of faggot?
>>58092
Do it now
>>53425
Hard to believe that such a perfect specimen of a man would one day go on to be a kekold.
>>53425
Short hair doesn't look bad, too.
>>41761
>>41850
>>42082
>ywn be loved as much as she loved her husband
>>58460
God damn...
Men back then were very fine...
>tfw no handsome men in tuxedos and elegant refined manners will ever try to court you
life sucks
>>53425
JUST
>>41349
So when is Miley Cyrus running for Empress?
>>53425
Kek (Kek). He looks like Trump.
>>58315
I was naming Greeks
>>58373
>I would joanne her d'arc
Goofy is that you?
>>43912
>Same as the whole "Catherine the Great fucks horses" business.
That's fucking hot.
Victoria Woodhull. As rich as she was lewd.
Stick it to Agrippina
>>42125
Boudicca was in her 40s m8
>>41349
fucking propoganda mate
>>40973
no one cuz STD's bruh
Eve. Truly forbidden fruit.
>>40973
Princess Leonilla
>>59175
>you knock up eve before Adam
>come back to present time
>every human on earth is now your child
Yfw
>>42741
She lived in Versailles...and that place smelled like shit 364 days a year. Everyone shat behind curtains and staircases because there were no toilets except for in the Royal Couple's private chambers.
>>57531
Just how I like em.
>>59270
Don't get me started
>>58328
Get rich, get comfy, get fat.
He wasn't short for the time though. That's most likely English propaganda or perhaps a misunderstanding brought about by his nickname of mysterious origin (The Little Corporal).
>>59270
What the fuck is that disgusting creature?
>>40973
Isabel of Castile
>>59270
>piercings
top shit
I would seriously fuck the hell out of Tomoe Gozen.
I'd probably be to Cesare what Manolo was for Tony Montana, I would be his best friend while secretly fucking Lucrezia. Even if he killed me it would have been totally worth it, I would even feel pride to be killed by one of the greatest historical fiigures ever.
>>41349
Shit that's brutal, but, see >>43912
I have some gravures of Marie Antoinette, queen of the Louis XVI, getting pounded and all. Here, she's with La Fayette.
Eva Braun, just so I could kek Hitler.
>>40973
>>56282
she was bi. She wrote her love letters and poems to men and women alike.
>>42570
More like wincest, the orgies must have been incredible.
>>54910
>tfw you will never glimpse her delicious bosoms
The neck beard is a turn off, but holy shit he must've been a tiger in the bed.
>>58230
Griffith is already a female
>>53425
>ywn dress him up in a sexy french maid uniform and smash his boypussy.
Catherine the Great. It's probably bullshit that she fucked a horse, but she did have a taste for kinky furniture.
>>55415
Sounds more like a transexual, though. Traps like their dicks.
>No one saying Joan Of Arc
Gay thread
>>65185
Read the thread before you post.
>>57531
this for eternity
fuck the 1920s
>>48110
Nazo Tokhi was a Pashtun poet and freedom fighter
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nazo_Tokhi
>>43132
10/10 would gangbang
>>57932
Theodora is best skank
>>40973
>Browse through thread
>No 1950s QE2 in her prime
For shame
Pocahontas
>>53544
>not in her WW2 uniform
Is that what they mean by "close your eyes and think of England"?
Charlemagne
always had a thing for his "character", wonder what the real guy is like?
>>70823
Sadly Disney would never allow this.
>>48595
I'd like a scandalous cousin orgy with her, all her childhood "Mary"s, and Elizabeth
That would fulfill some childhood fantasies
That and bring raped by Genghis Khan and left to die
>>41349
i read this hentai
Catherine the grate, because that gal deserves a good loving fuck.
>>41349
fuck, that's hot. gonna fap
>>72905
She wouldn't even feel it.
You can't go back to regular 6-inch dicks once you've taken 14-inch horse cock balls-deep.
>>41349
What a filthy fucking bitch, god damn. Amazing.
>she nevertheless complained of Nature for not having made the passage of her breasts wider, that she might contrive a new form of coition in that part of her person also.
Was she just wishing she was busty enough to titfuck, or did she actually want to take dicks in her nipples?
>>41349
Procopius was a faggot
>>41349
Just imagine Procopius in a dark lonely room writing this with one hand while furiously jerking his tiny limp dick with the other
>>75064
>believing Procopius' lies
DAE MFW IRL
>>75921
oops wrong thread
but sounds like /his/ likes sluts
>>48906
Being equal to the Apostles in terms of evangelism. Her grandson however did it better though.
>>42293
You got an oedipus complex m8?
>>64476
Too bad he likes his ex-wife's bushy vagina
>>43278
Really it depends on the date, the season and the tribe for bathing, some groups were better then others, while others were pretty stank.
> That sensation when I have no desire to have sex with anyone and I just want to die in battle fighting for them when the world was a much simpler place.
>>40973
mfw sometimes you just want to shove your dick down Cleopatra's throat.
>>41349
Medieval histories include some insane shit, of course corroborated by nobody. Martin of Tours writes about a sixth-century heretic who proclaimed himself to be Jesus and nearly took over all of France before his execution.
>>78873
that throat was mighty sticky already son
on the plus side she probably wouldn't even balk
>>70823
>Is that what they mean
I hope so, anon, I hope so.
>not in her military uniform
I just REALLY like the picture I posted.
>tfw no roman emperor bf
>>74989
I wonder that if along with height getting bigger with Europeans since then, if dicks got bigger too.
Maybe with guys back then the norm would have been like 4.5in?
>>78873
She was ugly as fuck in real life.
She just had a confident personality and swag as fuck Ptolemaic heritage. That's why guys were after her.
