ITT Post your most ridiculous Bible stories.
>>307427
Pharoh tried to build a huge tower too, if I recall correctly. I think God was angry that they were trying to reach the heavens.
From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, baldy!” He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.
2 kings 23-24
>>307474
Quran
>>307474
>I think God was angry that they were trying to reach the heavens.
Oh man, he's gonna be so pissed when he finds out about the moon landing
>>307483
So then Muhammad got his stories mixed up? Or was it a different tradition.
>>307491
Probably, I've actually read a Muslim on 4chan pretending that Mohammed knowing the material this tower (that he assumed to be a pyramid) was built with is an example of a miracle he performed.
ITT
>Boy my feet hurt from being in the desert
>Hey look, an angel
>Dude I bet he'll totally bless me
>Walk up to angel
>Ask him to bless me
>"No fuck off dude"
>Get pissed
>Start to slap the Angels shit
>He touches my asshole and my leg pops out of socket
>fuckow.tablet
>Keep wrestling this winged faggot
>Finally blesses me
>Calls me Isreal (my name is Jacob what)
Dont fuck around with Angels dude
>>307527
It means, he who wrestles with God
>>307477
>"Bald asshole"? That's a hate crime!
LOL
Please stop shitting up this board, it's already shit enough.
The Tower of Babel wasn't a symbol of people working together, but of people trying to be like God, which is similar to the Original Sin.
>if as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them
Perhaps the author means by this that now they are united, they can do great evil feats and God wants to stop this.
>>307538
Angel was God.
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan
the one where nothing created the everything
oh wait, that's the religion of atheism
Tower of Babel is about people attempting to get to heaven with a works based salvation, as opposed to a faith based salvation
>atheists understanding the Bible, ever...
>>307477
First, the word usually means "young men", not "boys". Second, they were mocking Elijah's ascension, which happened recently (like Pharisees in the New Testament), not his baldness. Third, here is about similar stories in OT: http://www.thecatholicfaq.com/questions/God-really-doesnt-sound-all-loving-in-some-parts-of-the-bible/
http://jimmyakin.com/2007/02/hard_sayings_of.html
>>307649
>being this buttmad about your own story book
>>307427
But the only reason he did that was because he told that one dude "Be fruitful and fill/spread out upon the Earth" and shit.
>>307660
Ah, okay, then of course they all deserved bear mauling after he cast his spell on them. Thanks for clearing that up
>>307568
>rage comics
>this is the level of 4chan atheists
Even /b/ is not as cancerous as you.
>>307669
Have you even read the links?
>>307663
>in the beginning, nothing created the everything
>>307678
Now it is true that the Hellenes invented their myths about the gods, incredible and monstrous stories. For they said that Kronos swallowed his children and then vomited them forth; and they even told of lawless unions, how Zeus had intercourse with his mother, and after having a child by her, married his own daughter, or rather did not even marry her, but simply had intercourse with her and then handed her over to another. Then too there is the legend that Dionysus was rent asunder and his limbs joined together again. This is the sort of thing described in the myths of the Hellenes. Compare with them the Jewish doctrine, how the garden was planted by God and Adam was fashioned by Him, and next, for Adam, woman came to be. For God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone. Let us make him an help meet like, him." Yet so far was she from helping him at all that she deceived him, and was in part the cause of his and her own fall from their life of ease in the garden.
This is wholly fabulous. For is it probable that God did not know that the being he was creating as a help meet would prove to be not so much a blessing as a misfortune to him who received her? Again, what sort of language are we to say that the serpent used when he talked with Eve? Was it the language of human beings? And in what do such legends as these differ from the myths that were invented by the Hellenes?
>>307671
They started on 4chan, buddy
>>307669
They did
>>307691
Yeah like 10 years ago.
>>307691
They've been a hallmark of faggotry since a very long time though. A joke stops being funny and starts being just cringey after being told thousands of times.
>>307690
Wasn't this guy just butthurt people were abandoning the old gods and instead serving the "Creator God" which he thought the old gods were servants of(including the God of Moses)?
>>307655
Actually, it is just people building a tower. God says nothing of faith based salvation, he says he destroys them because they could accomplish anything by working together.
>>307616
This post is gonna need dissecting.
>The Tower of Babel wasn't a symbol of people working together
It wasn't a symbol at all, it's a fucking tower. People had to work together to build it.
>but of people trying to be like God, which is similar to the Original Sin.
Ok, so how is building a big tower "being like God" exactly? Does God have a big tower that he strokes his massive cock in? And how is BEING LIKE GOD a bad thing? Are we not supposed to strive to be like Him, and follow Jesus and his lessons?
>Perhaps the author means by this that now they are united, they can do great evil feats and God wants to stop this.
This is completely ridiculous and contrived, there is no evidence that the society was going to do evil with its power. And God destroying a society to protect against their evils in just this one, pre-historic context (instead of stopping Nazis and other powerful evil societies) seems like complete bullshit for being totally inconsistent in God's behavior.
>>307477
http://christianthinktank.com/qmeanelisha.html
Here is one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlnnWbkMlbg
He goes over the history of how the Old Testament was written in relation to God. Basically, from wiki:
>In the oldest biblical literature, Yahweh is a typical ancient Near Eastern "divine warrior" who leads the heavenly army against Israel's enemies;[6] he later became the main god of the Kingdom of Israel (Samaria) and of Judah,[7] and over time the royal court and temple promoted Yahweh as the god of the entire cosmos, possessing all the positive qualities previously attributed to the other gods and goddesses.[8][9] By the end of the Babylonian exile (6th century BCE), the very existence of foreign gods was denied, and Yahweh was proclaimed as the creator of the cosmos and the true god of all the world.[9]
>>307660
>First, the word usually means "young men", not "boys". Second, they were mocking Elijah's ascension, which happened recently (like Pharisees in the New Testament), not his baldness.
Is this seriously how Christians justify murder/mauling? I thought they were supposed to be our moral superiors or some shit.
>>307791
>applying modern morals to events that occurred over 2000 years ago
>>307829
>Taking moral lessons from stories that occurred over 2000 years ago
>>307829
Isn't God's morals timeless? Or does he read some philosophy books every now and again and update his morals with us?
>>307833
>>307754
Okay, so which of these 9 reasons merit the death penalty? I also notice that a lot of things on this page are simply made-up as "plausible" and not actually thing written in the Bible.
>>307765
>evil exists
>"yes"
everytime
>be inna country with heathens
>muh god tells me to become a terrorist and destroy the heathens food so they fuck off
>take foxes
>tie them together by their tails
>put torch inbetween the tails and throw the foxfire into wheat field
>repeat
Christianity, where terrorism is A-OK if it's against evil heathens
>>307876
Pretty much all killing and war in the old testament is just Jews killing other people for believing different things. Kind of unique among religions back then, it kind of makes sense that it has survived and spread for so long
>>307859
>Isn't God's morals timeless
Uh, one of the pretty major things about Christianity is that it's stated by Jesus that the Mosaic Covenant's rules were both to prepare the people for the coming of Christ and for the people's during that period of time.
Because "their hearts were hard", as Jesus put it. The people weren't fully ready because of the culture they had. The purpose of the Mosaic Law was to hold the people until they were ready for Christianity.
>>307427
The tower of Babel story is actually very logical. It helps demonstrate that mankind could develop thousands of unique languages and cultures only a few thousand years after the flood
>>307923
>Imply a world wide flood occurred
>>307948
There is geographic evidence for a world flood. It is the only event that could have created the grand canyon. Every culture describes this flood, from the sumerians, egyptians, minoans, hebrews, etruscans, mauryans, navajo, apache, incans, etc. It is no coincidence they describe the same event at the same time.
>>307977
So the fact that floods occur and stories are told about them in various cultures proves that the entire world was at one point submerged
At the most a particularly massive flood occurred 7000 years ago due to the black sea and mediterranean joining
>There is geographic evidence for a world flood
There is geographical evidence of local floods at various points, stating that there is geographic evidence of a world wide flood does not make it true
one example would be angular unconformities, where a layer of sediment is deposited horizontally, becomes stone and bent, deformed or rotated etc, followed by a period of erosion, followed by another deposition event leading to situations such as pic related.
>>307915
That isn't morals, that is law. I'm not talking about God's laws for his people, I'm talking about God's own morals and actions
>>307616
Holy shit thia is worse than when people try to justify the Tower of Babel 9/11 at face value. You're just grasping at straws.
>>307747
Christians were still a minority in the time of Julian.
>>307655
>making up your justifications
I'm a Catholic, I'm usually pretty tolerant of shit that seems stupid in the bible, but this one is just too much to Christsplain.
Please stop and accept that either the bible has some bullshit in it that God didn't do, or that God is kind of a dick by human standards.
>>307427
So god did 9/11?
>>307751
Tower of Babel is the internet.
A massive edifice constructed by people the world over that allows people to communicate globally and it is literally filled with 'babble'.
>>307509
It wasn't even the same story dumbass. Pharaoh planned to build a tower and called his Haman ( Which is Sumeric for Head Builder) and never finished it
>>308347
The Tower of Babel is about man exalting himself to the level of God. I'm surprised Catholics don't get that.
>To recognize that there is no God, and not to recognize at the same time that you have become God, is an absurdity, otherwise you must necessarily kill yourself. Once you recognize it, you are king, and you will not kill yourself but live in the chiefest glory. But one, the one who is first, must necessarily kill himself, otherwise who will begin and prove it? It is I who will necessarily kill myself in order to begin and prove it. I am still God against my will, and I am unhappy, because it is my duty to proclaim self-will. Everyone is unhappy, because everyone is afraid to proclaim self-will. That is why man has been so unhappy and poor up to now, because he was afraid to proclaim the chief point of self-will and was self-willed only on the margins, like a schoolboy. I am terribly unhappy, because I am terrible afraid. Fear is man's curse...But I will proclaim self-will, it is my duty to believe that I do not believe. I will begin, and end, and open the door. And save. Only this one thing will save all men and in the next generation transform them physically. for in the present physical aspect, so far as I have thought, it is in no way possible for man to be without the former God. For three years I have been searching for the attribute of my divinity, and I have found it: the attribute of my divinity is--Self-will!
-"Demons", by Dostoevsky
>the new man is allowed to become a man-god, though it be he alone in the whole world, and of course, in this new rank, to jump lightheartedly over any former moral obstacle of the former slave-man, if need be.
-The Brothers Karamazov
>>308507
God specifically says that humans will become Gods themself if they put their mind to it. He doesn't fucking want that.
Stop defending the Demiurge!
>>308507
we went to the fucking moon
why didn't the jewish desert spirit do anything then?
>>307678
It's not "for no reason". We just don't know how it happened yet.
>>309328
God wants humans to become gods.
>>309421
The pictures makes many unproven assumptions:
1. The universe was created rather than eternal
2. That there was a point in time when there was nothing.
3. The universe exploded.
Obviously number 3 is just the troll's attempt at understanding the big bang theory, which doesn't even contradict theism or Christianity, but meh. Trolls.
>>309441
>The universe was created rather than eternal
>That there was a point in time when there was nothing
The guy both two options though: either it was eternally existing, or it came into being. No mention of "created" btw, which implies an agent
>The universe exploded.
He probably meant it expanded - his point being apparently without any stimulus
>>309370
It's not about a tower as structure, ffs. The Bible isn't all one genre.
http://www.biblemeanings.info/Words/Housing/Tower.htm
>>307477
First of all, the word that was translated as "small boys" is "na‛ar", which was usually translated as "young man/men". So these weren't children, these were young men.
Secondly, they were threatening him. This was right after Elijah had been taken up to heaven, and they were telling Elisha to go do the same thing.
Third, calling someone a "baldhead" in that time was not referring to how much hair they had on their head. Basically, they were calling Elisha a leper.
Fourthly, it says that two "she-bears" came and tore forty-two of the youths. This implies that there were more than 42 of them. So how many were there? Forty-three? Sixty? Eighty? A hundred?
Fifthly, how close together would those youths have had to be, in order for two she-bears to attack so many of them?
Sixthly, it does not say that the youths were killed, only that they were attacked.
Last of all, how would YOU feel if you were surrounded by a bunch of youths (more than forty-two), who were all telling you to go die, and calling you a scumbag? May I also remind you that there were no police officers back then, so Elisha was on his own? Honestly, what would YOU do?
Edit: Yes, and Joseph was also referred to as a "na‛ar" when he was interpreting dreams for the Pharaoh, and yet he wasn't a young child. So obviously, the word "na‛ar" has multiple meanings, like many other words in Hebrew.
One time I caught a bible that was thiiiiiiiis big
>>307485
nah, if he belives in himself he will probably belive it was filmed in hollywood
>>307511
No matter how dear the Bible is to people, some of the stuff is pretty funny and/or ridic, even you have to admit.
ya it about men trying to become like god and defining good and evil ;)
>>307671
Why are 4chan Christians so sensitive?
Why do you assume that anyone making fun of the Bible is an atheist?
>>307977
Nigga you just went full ayyylien.
>>307696
Lol your fedora must be cutting off your circulation
>>310448
You sound pretty insecure, family. ;)
>>307923
>tower of babel is logical
>'few thousand years after the flood'
>any of this being remotely plausible
The sedimentologist who worked on the South China sea alluvium has been completely debunked, it was actually a subduction event.
>>307977
All of those cultures would have experienced local natural phenomena such as the Theran eruption on Crete described by the Minoans.
>>307427
Lot was date-raped by his daughters and that was a-ok with Yahweh.
>>307477
BTFO
>>307674
That's a load of damage control if I've ever seen any
>t-t-they could have been dangerous thugs!
>th-th-there's no reason to believe God sent the bears and that they weren't just going to attack those people anyway
lel
>>307754
>http://christianthinktank.com/qmeanelisha.html
>qmeanelisha
I used to work with a big fat black girl with the same name
>>309370
>complety missing the obvious point
>so enlightened!
The sin wasn't building a big thing together
but trying to be a god instead of the God. "Tower to Heaven" was just a symbol of what they thought they would achieve.
>>310448
The last part of your post is probably bullshit. The Hebrews just used "God did X" to signify that God is behind the creation of everything. It doesn't mean that God personally did X. Maybe bears were just chilling in the woods and saw the men.
>>307765
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbmDO3-0GtU
This guy goes through and tears your video apart.
>>311611
Lol, he should go through and tear up Wikipedia and all the books and historians then.
>>307678
If there truely was nothing, the word "nothing" wouldn't exist, nor the concept, nor the color white, so frame 1 is impossible.
>tfw universe is an infinite fractal of "multiverses"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eternal_inflation
This follows directly from the ideas that the universe is expanding at an increasing rate, and always has been.
>>307527
Underrated post.
>>313399
>rage comic
>anti-jew /pol/ tier sentiment
0/10
>>310448
>Last of all, how would YOU feel if you were surrounded by a bunch of youths (more than forty-two), who were all telling you to go die, and calling you a scumbag?
Except that wasn't happening if you actually read the Bible.
>Honestly, what would YOU do?
Well, considering I'm a God with perfect wisdom and absolute power, I would have peacefully resolved the situation by putting them all in a meditative state then calmly explain to them why what they are doing is wrong.
The book of Judges has some wacky ones.
In Judges 9 Abimelech tries to make himself King. A battle was fought and at the end, when he dies, this happens:
> 55 When the Israelites saw that Abimelech was dead, they all went home.
In Judges 11 Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to YHWH as a burnt offering.
>>313969
I would sacrifice my family if God told me to t.b.h. I mean he's God, are you going to argue against him or something?
Also, the family cult is a pretty bad case of idolatry. If your mother is more dear to you than God, you are one shit believer.
>Matthew 10:35-36
>For I have come to turn "'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law, a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'
>>313969
Sacrificing his daughter was wrong though.
>>307427
Didn't he smite it down because they were trying to reach heaven? undermining his rules that you'd have to do good, and you know, die before you can go to heave.
>>313999
>I mean he's God, are you going to argue against him or something?
I would. But then again, I'm the kind of guy that would probably get executed if ruled by an evil tyrannical king
>>314035
>Didn't he smite it down because they were trying to reach heaven? undermining his rules that you'd have to do good, and you know, die before you can go to heave.
Uh... Heaven isn't in the sky, m8. I'm pretty sure God knew this. Why didn't he just have a hearty laugh at their feeble attempts and then send some angels down to tell them they are idiots rather than over-reacting like a fucking 8 year old?
>>314063
He can just bring your family back to life, senpai
>>314112
It is bad enough that this god’s idea of the “best” in man is a willingness to murder one’s own child on demand. It is inconceivable that any kind being would ever test Abraham’s loyalty that way. To the contrary, from any compassionate point of view, Abraham failed this test: he was willing to kill for faith, setting morality aside for a god. A decent being would reward instead the man who responded to such a request with “Go to hell! Only a demon would ask such a thing, and no compassionate man would do it!” But the Bible’s message is exactly the opposite. How frightening.
>>307427
God orders people to be stoned to death for picking up sticks on Saturday (Numbers 15:32-36), and commands that those who follow other religions be slaughtered (Deuteronomy 13:6-16). Indeed, genocide (Deuteronomy 2:31-34, 7:1-2, 20:10-15, and Joshua, e.g. 10:33) and fascism (Deuteronomy 22:23-24, Leviticus 20:13, 24:13-16, Numbers 15:32-6) were the very law and standard practice of God, right next to the Ten Commandments. Instead of condemning slavery, God condones it (Leviticus 25:44, cf. Deuteronomy 5:13-14, 21:10-13). And so on.
And the New Testament was only marginally better, though it too had its inexcusable features, from commands to hate (Luke 14:26) to arrogantly sexist teachings about women (1 Timothy 2:12), from Jesus saying he “came not to bring peace, but the sword,” setting even families against each other (Matthew 10:34-36) and approving the murder of disobedient children (Mark 7:6-13), to making blasphemy the worst possible crime (Matthew 12:31-32), even worse than murder or molesting a child. It, too, supported slavery rather than condemning it (Luke 12:47, 1 Timothy 6:1-2).
Worse, its entire message is not “be good and go to heaven,” itself a naive and childish concern (the good are good because they care, not because they want a reward), but “believe or be damned” (Mark 16:16, Matthew 10:33, Luke 12:9, John 3:18), a fundamentally wicked doctrine. The good judge others by their character, not their beliefs, and punish deeds, not thoughts, and punish only to teach, not to torture. But none of this moral truth was in the Bible, but instead drones on about subjection to kings and acceptance of slavery, while having no knowledge of the needs of a democratic society, the benefits of science, or the proper uses of technology. It even promotes superstition over science, with all its talk about demonic possession and faith healing and speaking in tongues, and assertions that believers will be immune to poison (Mark 16:17-18).
>>307765
Oh c'mon, Celsus "muh if evil exists and/or not willing" again? Apologetics have tackled this since the time of Origen.
>>312967
please represent the infinite void of non-existence in pictorial form.
Frame 1 is a shorthand for nothing.
But if i'm here, let's add something to this thread. Not ridiculous, but WTF.
There's a story in judges(judges is basically "anarchism happened and people did all sorts of good and evil things") where a woman gets gangraped to death, then chopped up and scattered to the 4 cardinal directions. Then everyone loses their shit over this unprecedented, diabolical deed, so they gather up, torch and pitchfork mob style, to go vigilante on the rapists.
Story is just there to show how lawlesness can lead to people doing evil deeds(theistic anarchism is still considered a better system than tax-burden, conscription-enforcing monarchy, though. God will still bless any political system as long as the leaders don't slip into tyranny, and the people aren't a bunch of degenerates)
>>314158
>the good are good because they care, not because they want a reward
Not really.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euthyphro_dilemma
which is a subset of:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Problem_of_universals
>>314218
>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euthyphro_dilemma
What does that have to do with ceasing being a good person once you know there is no reward for it?
>>314158
Man, the bible is seriously fucked up
>>314158
>>314017
I can't say it's wrong to read it like that, but the text doesn't cast judgement on his sacrifice. The story is literally
> Jephthah makes a vow to YHWH for military victory in exchange for offering up the first person he sees come out of his house as a burnt offering
> He wins
> His daughter comes out to greet him and he realizes he has to sacrifice her
> He lets his daughter bewail her virginity for two months
> His daughter is sacrificed
> People remembered her every four years
It's like reading Paul Bunyan stories as pro-conservationist. The text doesn't say whether it was good or bad, just that it happened.
How are so many people reading the Bible wrong?
Certain Old Testament books are obviously (in Gnosticism) not accepted as the same god, because Jesus must have had a different view of God, which is why the Jews hated Him.
Pretty sure JHVH is a war god, and the Transcendental Figure of the Father is seated in the Heart of all beings, and we are all tiny pieces of His Giant Soul.
>>314069
so you're saying, if someone tries to poison you with powdered sugar but thinking it was cyanide you would leave him be because it was just sugar lmfao you cant die from sugar
>>315276
I'm saying if I was infinitely wise and powerful I would have resolved the situation peacefully and in such a way that my children understand things better in the end. I wouldn't throw a tantrum like a little kid
>>307477
I just imagine the guy writing this story and giggling to himself
>>314129
There's the thing: it's to break up familiar bonds, it symbolized that God is more important than your family and in the end, your family ties are nothing.
Read "Baptized Patriarchalism" from Gary North.
>>315621
Terrible by our secular and family-cultist standards perhaps, but not by God's standards. And God's standards are the only correct ones.
>>315629
>God's standards are the only correct ones
Evidently they're fucking terrible.
>>315635
They logically can't be terrible, as he sets what's terrible and what isn't. If he says they're not terrible, then they're not.
>>315641
>If he says they're not terrible, then they're not.
Why should we listen to him? He's not using reason or justification for what he is saying, so fuck his ideas.
>>315647
Well then you get fucked m8.
>>315654
Threatening me if I don't do what he says is just more evidence that he is evil
>>307477
>Then two bears came out of the woods
>>307616
> but of people trying to be like God, which is similar to the Original Sin.
How dare a creation try and be like their creator, whom they were made in his image.?
QUE?
>>311604
>but trying to be a god instead of the God.
Nigger we do heart transplants/lung transplants, we grow stemcells we 'could' go to other stars if we really wanted to, we have a communication network that allows me to call you a nigger from 3 thousand miles away and you to read this message less than a minute after it's posted.
We are becoming very Godlike.
>>315793
>>>/hurtfeelings/
>>315813
>These people exist
http://atheismplus.com
>atheism+ is a safe space for people to discuss how religion affects everyone and to apply skepticism and critical thinking to everything, including social issues like sexism, racism, GLBT issues, politics, poverty, and crime.
Lamo
I like the one with Ehud who just stab the king in the most badass way.
>>315826
>STOP BITCHING
>the entire sign is nothing but bitching
Even if it wasn't a headfucked animu tranny fat lolcow, it would still be funny.
>>315826
>>315813
>>315786
>the Tower of Babel is a moral
Then why the fuck end it with language being developed rather than just being a tower where people tried to reach god, got BTFO, then lesson learned?
>>315911
People made up explanations for things they didn't understand.
>How does the sun go around the earth disc?
A chariot pulls it!
>Why do some people speak a different language?
God put a curse on them!
>>315916
Yeah but if it's supposed to be strictly a parable why focus it around an explanation of something rather than being purely allegorical?
>>315930
It was originally written as an explanation of something. Then it stuck around for a long time, as baggage for modern religions. Obviously, you can't be taken seriously with today's scientific knowledge and claim the tower of Babel story actually happened, so you're forced to say it was just an allegory to explain some moral lesson.
>>315940
Kek, I think we're arguing for the same side.
why do people forget that humans are inherently sinful when they talk about 'abooboo god is cruel to innocent humans'
fucking satanists
>>315834
>>315861
Why are school shooters overwhelmingly atheist?
>>315681
the goal isn't to 'be like' the creator because humans will never become the godhead. the goal is for god to live within his creation in spirit. that's what the tree of life was about, which prefigures jesus christ. it's the other tree in the garden of eden that everyone seems to forget about despite it not being an obscure fact at all
>>315663
it's not really a threat but a consequence of your actions -- or in this case, a result of your non-action i.e. repentance
>>316000
>>315861
Oy vey!
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jewish_atheism
>>316014
'worship me or burn in hell' isn't really a command but an explanation for what will happen. this is why i say it's not a threat but a consequence. the commandments are fulfilled by christ as of the new testament so if you accept him you fulfill all you need to do to guarantee a place in the kingdom of god. do you have another image that can address this point or do you want to try it yourself?
>>316028
'give me your money or I'll shoot you' isn't really a command but an explanation for what will happen. this is why i say it's not a threat but a consequence.
>>316033
no because the robber actually has to commit an act in order to shoot you. it's not the nature of the criminal that shoots you but the results of his actions. not the case for god because he is not a physical being.
>>316042
>not the case for god because he is not a physical being.
So God threatening us is OK because he isn't physical...
Can you please say that out loud just to hear yourself?
>>316050
you're still using the term 'threat' even though i'm explaining to you why that is inaccurate.
>>316033
God doesn't send you to hell, he only acknowledges that you rejected him. Hell isn't really about being sporked in the ass by devils, it's a state of being cut from God, and since he is the source of all joys it is a miserable state.
You don't get sent to hell for "disobeying", you end up there because you rejected him.
>>307427
well meme'd
>>316060
yeah but it's not worded as a threat but an explanation of what happens during the second coming of christ. it will happen regardless if you accept christ or not so it is not comparable to the robber and you're not losing anything in gaining christ, compared to losing your money in the robber scenario
>>316077
>it's not worded as a threat
But so obviously is.
>There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out.
>>316088
that quote isn't about life in hell
>>316092
Yes it is, it his response to someone asking "Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?"
>>316099
no it is about the tribulations.
http://www.kjvbible.org/thekingdoms.html
>God's response to someone not worshiping, committing sins and then not repenting, etc. in their temporal life is to infinitely scourge their souls for all of time
>This is done despite the fact that there is no definitive proof for His existence and some factors such as mental illness, which He created, can cause people to not repent
>"He's the perfect being and completely good :^)"
>>316167
The mental illness question always intrigued me. Like, yeah, of course he murdered all those people. His brain was wired for him to do that. It's your fault you gave him a faulty physical brain rather than one like yours, god, immaterial and impervious from harm
>Jesus goes into the temple
>Merchants are selling shit and changing money in there like it's some second-rate convention hall
>Jesus walks in
>"Oh fu- Oh wait haha it's just Jesus he ain't gonna do shit"
>Jesus goes ham and proceeds to wreck their shit
>Refers to the temple as "my Father's house" while beating the merchants with a "whip of chords" and knock all their tables over
>Merchants scramble outta there like a bunch of little bitches
>Story is henceforth referred to as the "Cleansing of the Temple"
>>316167
>still falling for the Dante's Inferno troll
>Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest. - Ecclesiastes 9:10
The analogy of an unending fire you see in the new testament, derives from Gehenna, the fiery trash dump outside of Jerusalem that they made sure to keep going at all times. It's a description of the permanence of oblivion.
>>307427
Job is pretty fucking awful.
>>316278
Satan:
>Mind if I prank Job to test his faith?
God:
>Lol, sure thing bro.
*Satan kills Job's entire family*
Satan:
>It's just a prank, bro! BRO! IT'S JUST A PRANK
>>314158
>Genocide in the OT
To be blunt, they're invading a land that has occupants. If you don't kill them, you'll be stamping out rebellions for hundreds of years. Better to get it over and done with right away. Those natives also did barbaric things like human sacrifice too.
>Slavery
Here, they're mixing up African Slave-trade style Slavery with Indentured Servitude
>Jesus dividing people and telling them to hate others
Jesus told people to love others, but be willing to forsake those who will try to separate them from Christ, even if they are close friends or family.
>killing disobedient children
1. Children = 13 and up
2. The verses about killing disobedient "children" are responses to assault from the child onto the parent.
>Blasphemy the greatest crime
crime != sin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nI8OtOfzUDE
It absolutely is the worst sin. Blasphemy is doing evil in the name of God. This video gives an excellent explanation of this. (I'd recommend watching the entire series on the 10 commandments too, but that's besides the point)
> its entire message is not “be good and go to heaven,”
That's wrong, the message of the Bible is "God's way is the right way." The Old Testament is more or less a broken record of people abandoning God, things getting awful, and then when they turn back to God things start going right for them again. This goes on for thousands of years until the New Testament breaks the cycle with a permanent solution to the impossible task of keeping Mosaic Law.
>"believe or be damned" is a wicked concept because of reasons completely unrelated to that
The Bible's reason for people to believe is by the prophets. Miracles are supposed to be kept to yourself, and be personal reasons to believe. Heaven and Hell are based on whether you want to have a relationship with God, not your character. Why should a good-natured person who doesn't like Christianity be forced into an eternal marriage with Jesus?
>>316324
Did you even read the quoted bible passages? What you're saying is obviously wrong
>>316329
I read them. How am I wrong?
>>307427
Was the book of Enoch the first fanfic to exist?
>>307427
They were building the tower of babel to reach heaven to glorify themselves, to make them look high and mighty. For the modern skyscrapers, they aren't meant to glorify themselves because they reached heaven, most skyscrapers are just residential highrises and commercial workplaces.
>>307660
>Second, they were mocking Elijah's ascension, which happened recently (like Pharisees in the New Testament), not his baldness
"Go Up, baldy" sounds like it's mocking both.
>>307527
Jacob vs. Angel is the best WWE ladder match of all time.
>>315732
>still missing the point
>>315911
The Hebrew text says nothing about languages, just about them not agreeing anymore.
>>316014
Hell is being in absence of God, which is the most terrible thing to human beings. Sin puts you away from God.
>>317673
God is always absent, so we must already be in hell
>be muhammed
>split the moon in half
>even though im right next to an empire where astrology is a major part of it's religion nobody else records it except the qu'ran
Destroying Sodom because they were sinners to let Lot fuck his own daughters.
Gross and dumb.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6DnujiVCwo
>>318201
i used to like this dude but when he became such a leftist faggot i couldn't watch him anymore
I like the one with the talking donkey in it.
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Numbers+22%3A21-39
>>318201
Damn, that is a lot more ridiculous than I would have imagined
>>318354
I think it is a bit mean and focuses too much on the gang rape thing. Handing over women for gang rape is a legitimate tactic for dealing with angry mobs.
>>318453
I like how it points out that the angels being there, and the whole mob mess that created, is completely unnecessary since God is omniscient
>>315813
You're the getting triggered over Bible jokes, buddy.
>>307427
God instructing Moses on how to do abortions on wives that husbands suspect have been cheating on them.
>Then the Lord said to Moses, “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘If a man’s wife goes astray and is unfaithful to him so that another man has sexual relations with her, and this is hidden from her husband and her impurity is undetected (since there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act), and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure—or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure— then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephahc of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour olive oil on it or put incense on it, because it is a grain offering for jealousy, a reminder-offering to draw attention to wrongdoing.
>“‘The priest shall bring her and have her stand before the Lord. Then he shall take some holy water in a clay jar and put some dust from the tabernacle floor into the water. After the priest has had the woman stand before the Lord, he shall loosen her hair and place in her hands the reminder-offering, the grain offering for jealousy, while he himself holds the bitter water that brings a curse. Then the priest shall put the woman under oath and say to her, “If no other man has had sexual relations with you and you have not gone astray and become impure while married to your husband, may this bitter water that brings a curse not harm you. But if you have gone astray while married to your husband and you have made yourself impure by having sexual relations with a man other than your husband”— here the priest is to put the woman under this curse—“may the Lord cause you to become a cursed among your people when he makes your womb miscarry and your abdomen swell. May this water that brings a curse enter your body so that your abdomen swells or your womb miscarries.”
>>319112
>mfw every 6 months I suspect her of cheating "just in case"
>>307765
Whey do we need an Omni-3 God again?
Last guy to get to God's level was Satan, and he just fucked our shit up, senpai.
>>307858
Oooooo snap
>>307527
I love Exodus 4:24-26 because it comes out of fucking nowhere and makes no sense. Moses is in the middle of his "Let my people go!" story with pharoah when all of a sudden
> 24 On the way, at a place where they spent the night, the Lord met him and tried to kill him. 25 But Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin, and touched Moses’ feet with it, and said, “Truly you are a bridegroom of blood to me!” 26 So he let him alone. It was then she said, “A bridegroom of blood by circumcision.”
When the God of the bible condemned Israel and said, thou shall perish. A Jew picked up the command and gave himself the name of peresh.
>>322092
Did that really happen?
When God spoke to the levite priests...he said halt, who goes there? The priest said, I am the son of levi. God replied, who is levi? the priest said, the founding priests of a nation. God said, what power exists in being a levite? The priest quipped, to levy! Then God asked who is your God? The priest answered, the levite God. God replied, sorry I don't understand your french.
>>308335
The source of that excerpt is from a piece titled "Against the Galileans"(Christians) which was written because the author was in fact butthurt about the growing popularity of Christianity.
>>322186
Why the fuck would God ever ask a question?
>>316057
>God, and since he is the source of all joys
The more pot I smoke the closer I feel to God, so this must be true.
why are you all acting like these stories were written today and not 3000 years ago
>>323412
Because they're the word of Dog.
>>323630
>2015
>Believing in something that is DOG backwards
Anyone talk about how Elisha sent a couple of bears to kill some kids that made fun of him? Shits crazy. 2 Kings 2:23-25
>>323681
That was one of the first posts, godfags scrambled to justify the slaughter
>>323664
that is THE biggest flaw in xtianity
So far not a single person ITT has demonstrated that they understand a single one of these stories
>>318201
not posting the hilarious professor brothers version
BIBLE HISTORY LESSON #1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bar3GOzDNzg
>>319877
Because muh classical theism
>>319112
>her impurity is undetected (since there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act), and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure—or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure
Holy fuck, this sounds like it was written by a jealous cvck
If there was no sin or imperfection before the original sin, how would Eve be able to defy God's express wishes and disobey him by eating from the Tree of Knowledge?
>>325404
They were all metaphors? Except the ones that predicted Jesus's coming?
>>327111
Don't forget the ten commandments!
>>319112
so the Lord is not pro-Life?
Hosea 9:11-16 Hosea prays for God’s intervention. “Ephraim shall bring forth his children to the murderer. Give them, 0 Lord: what wilt thou give? Give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts. . .Ephraim is smitten, their root is dried up, they shall bear no fruit: yea though they bring forth, yet will I slay even the beloved fruit of their womb.”
Hosea 13:16 God promises to dash to pieces the infants of Samaria and the “their women with child shall be ripped up”.
2 Kings 15:16 God allows the pregnant women of Tappuah to be “ripped open”.
>>327160
Yahweh was literally their God of War before they all became monotheists
>>327092
it was the talking snake's fault, I think. oh the bible, always making so much sense.
>>307427
>reading the bible
>ignoring Talmud/rashi/rambam/akiva/Zohar/etc
Is everyone on here notzrim?
>>328251
What are those? (honest question)
>>307427
>judge God
you are going to get your ass kicked bro
>>326340
Oh man I love this guy and his crazy animations.
>>328262
The Talmud is a compilation of the oral Torah, half of it is laws, the other half is stories many of which are connected to the written Torah.
Rashi wrote a commentary on the Torah.
Rambam, in addition to commentaries, expanded on Jewish theology with divine simplicity and negative theology. He also said interpretations of the Torah need to be consistent with madda (empirical knowledge).
Akiva is in the Talmud.
The Zohar is the foundational book of Kabbalah, supposedly given through divine revelation. It explains many verses in both the he Torah and Talmud and talks about gematria.
Deuteronomy 17:9-11 is the scripture for why you should listen to them.
>>327056
Kek I was thinking the same thing. It's like some guy went through this very specific process and was then trying to morally justify it later.
>>328270
Ooh, I'm scared
>>328316
>Deuteronomy 17:9-11 is the scripture for why you should listen to them.
Why should I listen to Deuteronomy?
>>315641
Logically? That's not logical. Take a programming course you ass worshipper.
And who the fuck are you, or the authors of the Bible, to tell me what God thinks? That is some pompous delusion right there. Your doctrine has no authority over you unless you give it that authority.
Morality is completely subjective, even within systems where you allow a false proxy of God to set the objectivity.
I believe in God, the highest God of Gods, the Almighty God Supreme; I personally ask him for moral guidance, and he delivers that guidance to me through my heart and mind. He doesn't speak directly to me; he inspires me with thoughts of the highest purity. That's similar to how the Bible is "inspired", except my relationship is a personal one. Trying to understand God through the Bible is like going through an extremely dubious middleman.
(Continued next post)
>>328777
777s of truth!
Continued:
Some might think that learning about God by asking him directly is a sign of insanity; but going through a middleman scripture is plain old stupidity on top of insanity.
Also, a God worth believing in would want you to be a virtuous person WITHOUT being bribed with promises of eternal life of infinite indulgence. A God worth believing in doesn't care if you believe in him either; he cares more that you use empathy and logic to live a fruitful life that benefits those around you.
Furthermore, we're just miniscule and limited manifestations of God, born so that God may experience something besides eternal infinite singularity.
God didn't create us to learn anything; he created us so that he could be us, to temporarily forget that his existence is inherently meaningless and boring.
Therefore, it doesn't matter if we live virtuous, pious, interesting, unique, or happt lives. We'll all wake up and realize we were the same guy, the same God, the whole time.
There is no such thing as sin. If I kill you, then you'll wake up as God and have memories of being me and killing you. When I die, I'll wake up and remember being you being killed by me.
There is no reason for God to punish anyone, because that would just be punishing himself. God is both victim and perpetrator, of all sins and crimes.
We as individuals are vessels; consciousness is God himself.
Our brains allow us to weild more of God's consciousness than animals or rocks, but, if we stripped away all of our matter, we would default back to the state if omniscience.
Fuck your religion. My version of God is BETTER, AND it makes more sense.
All yours has going for it is an erroneous appeal to a false authority, and such a poor grasp of logic that you actually trick yourself into being a terrified shitty person for no reason.
I think atheists are smarter than Christians; I say that despite us both believing in the Almighty God Supreme.
>>328777
I mean shit, look at my holy trips. If that isn't God being Internet savvy and giving me a figurative high-five for shedding some divine wisdom on your asses, then I don't know what is.
God is a G; because God is ME.
And I'm you, my nigga.
>>328792
you are just a human like the rest of us, what are you at the eyes of God? little more than an ant
>>328808
No you fool, I am God, so are you, so is humanity, and so are ants.
The point went so far over your head that it makes me wonder if you're really a conscious manifestation and not just an AI I wrote to argue with.
>>328832
there's only one God, you arent God, you are his creation. He said
> I assure you, servants aren’t greater than their master, nor are those who are sent greater than the one who sent them.
also you are crazy lol an AI?
I mean, even that dumb shit "Christianity" acknowledges that God resides within us all, in his entirety, while we reside in him in our entirety.
It's a recursive fractal mah nigga. You think God can't manifest paradoxes? Think again, bitch! Reality is his best paradox; and all a Miracle is, is a paradox made real.
Why are both sides such insecure pieces of shits?
>>328843
Really? Because God said to me that your Bible is fucking retarded and doesn't represent him.
Checkmate, heretic. How about you build a personal relationship with God instead of assuming that your stupid book speaks for him.
You think God can't speak to your heart? Ask him to. That's what I did.
And stop quoting the Bible, nimrod. I already told you it has no authority. YOU PERSONALLY GAVE IT AUTHORITY. Why? Because you're God; just a dumber manifestation than others.
>>328860
are you sure that's God talking or your human mind?
you are crazy bro, but live your life like u want, God will judge
>>328570
Because knights of faith are happy.
>>328855
I like your non-arguments. I've earned my right to speak confidently, because what I say has substance. You're just really pissed off because you made a really stupid gamble and decided to believe a bad set of lies.
Or "misinformation", if calling your asinine incoherent garbage scripture a "lie" is too much too soon for you.
Say something with substance instead of getting angry over my confidence.
You can't even properly defend your dumb book, because its shit is so weak. Hell, I could defend your lies better than you can, because God is my homie and knows just what to tell me.
>>328860
also
>Jesus answered, “Whoever loves me will keep my word. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. 24 Whoever doesn’t love me doesn’t keep my words. The word that you hear isn’t mine. It is the word of the Father who sent me.
do you keep Jesus word, anon? or his word have no authority?
>>328860
your personality also gave you authority to your internal delusions.
You can argue both ways, the reality is by the fact the bible exists and is given authority by people it BTFO's your own argument as to say it's meaningless is to so your head canon god is also meaningless.
You're fucking mental.
>>328869
You're hung up on me saying I'm God while ignoring the fact that I said you are God, too.
We are both limited forms of God. I'm nit sure if you're stupid, insecure, or just lazy, but I've already countered everything you guys have said, within my first two posts.
Read them more carefully. If you can't even follow my simple explanations, then I doubt you can follow the Bible for shit either.
Anywho, I'm done. Smart people will see the substance and meaning behind my words, and not focus on my humorous insults or non-serious arrogance.
You guys are dumb if you can't see beyond the latter. Sorry, but you are.
>>328884
Your Bible has no authority, yet you keep quoting it.
Did I say I believe in Jesus? No? Well damn, then I guess you're a tool.
>>328888
Nice quads; too bad they aren't holy triple 7s like mine were. :^)
And no, you're just really stupid for believing a book can speak for God and then telling me God can't speak through my heart.
He can speak through your heart, too, which you would have grasped if you actually believed in him.
But you don't. You're just a parrot with literally no personal relationship with God. You don't even believe a personal relationship is possible, which shows how little you truly believe.
Also you type like a tard. I'm STILL waiting for some original substance on your part. All you've done is regurgitate nonsense you only half-heartedly believe.
I'm God. So are you. That doesn't mean I have God's power at my disposal; what it ACTUALLY MEANS is that God has OUR power at HIS disposal.
>>327092
Satan is actually the creator of original sin. He coerced her to eat from the tree of knowledge thus condemning herself, Adam, and their lineage to know what "ungodliness" is, just the same as Satan.
>>328928
Nope, no cult. Personal relationship with God. Completely personal. No one else is involved, because other people will compromise my PERSONAL relationship in the same way that the Bible has compromised yours.
>>328832
>so are ants
>>328950
and you said you dont believe in Jesus? how can you talk with God without the holy spirit that was send by Jesus?
watch out who you are lisenin to
>>328951
Do you want to get God, Lana? Because that's how you get God!
>>328949
The funny thing is the talking snake is never said to be anything other than a talking snake until Revelations. You'd think God would mention that the snake in question is the great betrayer and deceiver himself, Lucifer, but instead there's some bizarre mention of cursing all snakes to not have legs or something.
>>328962
If there is any reality to channeling then that dude is most certainly talking to fucking demons.
He's gone off the deep end. Demons love to convince people they can be god.
Just look at the egotism his posts, it's clear he has not made a connection with the Lord.
I have no authority over your personal relationship with God. You have no authority over mine.
And thr Bible has no authority over either of our relationships; because if it did, then the relationship would no longer be personal.
>>328849
I am vaguely "neutral" on religion. Was raised secular and prefer to not even think about it one way or the other.
HOWEVER, I have found that internet atheists are leagues worse to argue with then religious people.They think they are imbued with the (non-)divine righteousness of science and logic and generally act like whole sale arrogant twats. I had to take a University elective about religion and this one loud atheist just repeated "THE OSIRIS MYTH"over and over and over again as a response to everything. People trying to convert you is weal as fuck to be sure, but somebody constantly screaming in your ear about "sky daddy" and "fairy tales" is even worse. Almost none of them know how to use Formal Logic (or even what it is) so their shit tier youtube comment arguments fall a part from as much as a slight breeze then respond with (equally fallacious) assertion that you are a bible thumper zealot jihadist anti-intellectualist catholic inquistion ISIS crusader. Appealing to scientific methodology doesn't automatically grant you the intellectual high ground kiddies.
I probably lean more toward atheism/agnosticism personally but I wouldn't dare say it IRL lest I get confused with those fucking faggots. Even right now, some high fructose corn syrup sweating fatass is reading this and thinking "CLEARLY A SOCK PUPPETING CHRISTIAN APOLOGIST IN DISGUISE" as a way of rationalising how somebody could think he's a monumental dickhead.
>>328966
Yeah, I'm not a Christian mate. Lots of stuff were retconned in revelations. Like hell is only even mentioned in the last third of the bible anyway and it comes out of nowhere.
>>328969
I'm not saying I have the power of God you dipshit. I'm saying we're all faces and vessels of God.
If demons existed, which they don't you fucking nutcase retard, then they would be vessels of God too.
I know you think you're making smart counter arguments, but you can't even read, my familiar. And if you can't read, then you can't conduct pragmatic logic.
Hahaha but what should I expect. Not many believers of God can use pragmatic logic.
And shit, all I'm saying is that God is a cool dude who has no reason to punish anyone for all eternity. YOU believe in that outlandish demonic nonsense. Take a look at yourself. You and I may be God, but that doesn't mean we aren't human too.
I'm God. You're God. God can be human. We're humans. But humans are not omnipotent; God is only omnipotent OUTSIDE of the human vessel.
Turd. Also forgive my typos, for I am using a touchscreen. But I fully expect you to think that typos invalidate my posts, because you also think God is a fucking petty childish asshole.
It's a good thing there isn't really a hell, because your idea of God would certainly put you there.
>>328969
You're the one calling yourself "the Lord" you fucking narcissist. If you had a connection with God you would realize that he is humble, but created humans so he could experience things like... not being humble, or not being perfect.
>>310542
Because western atheists make up the majority of people who start sperging out over Christianity.
>>315786
>>329053
Christians are complete retards who would persecute Jesus if they met him, just like the Jews did. Jesus would have to start a whole new religion just to shake those inbreds off his coattails.
>>329105
And they wouldn't want him to marry his boyfriend.
>>313999
If your god is asking you to sacrifice your family then he's asking you to break his own commandments. Clearly the more rational observation here is that even if there does exist a creator deity, it is not the one described by the psychotic ravings of men who believed they were hearing voices that told them to kill their wives and children.
Not accurate but I had a good laugh
>>329483
GOD HATES FIGS
>>329483
LOL
kek'd hard
>>322599
To hear how a being with free will chooses to answer, not for His own sake, but for the sake of the person who is being asked.
>>329818
Why would God send angels to investigate a city?
>>314185
>Apologetics have tackled this since the time of Origen.
And failed
>>307698
>Christian morals
>>315861
Damn that picture is actually pretty spot on, in spite of it's dramatics. Christians really do love sucking dat tiny mutilated Hebrew dick. I'm pretty convinced that, besides preventing WWIII, the only reason we ever take sides with those cunts is because contrary to the separation of church and state we are a mostly Christian nation. I'm not saying the majority of our citizens are, just that most of our policies and laws are influenced heavily by them.
>>307427
The zombie invasion of Jerusalem in the new testament, of course
