Just finished my "first draft" of my comic and would love some feedback. I dont have a lot of experience in writing, so it would be super helpful to hear stuff about that. I dont really have a eye for what needs to be explained straight forward or is reaching and trying too hard. Any suggestions or re-wording would be great!
Considering this is /co/, I wont have the highest hopes of constructive criticism so anything you got for me helps.
https://plus.google.com/photos/103643066161761291044/albums/6284670951147300801
>not storytiming your own comics
Doing this for OP because this actually isn't terrible.
(note: you could use some editing for your text)
>>82769081
>nastolgia
I thought it was interesting at least. I didn't really get it, he found a friend? Is that what he was missing? But the dude left him with no trace so they're not really friends. Connection? Maybe. I don't know, definitely a good draft, don't stop drawing!
>>82768893
The text on this page isn't bad, IMO. If you're going to start with a second-person perspective, it'd be better to say "YOU usually say something along the lines of --".
>>82768907
The jump from "Hopefully nothing" on the previous page to "I love weekend long trips" (by the way, that's unclear phrasing: you'd want either "weekend-long trips" or "long weekend trips") is a bit drastic. Plus, no matter how you look at it, it's a bit weird that the guy who likes DOING stuff would ever reply "hopefully nothing", even in a sarcastic/non-serious way.
Also, I'd want a different perspective on the bottom panel because it's not clear what we're looking at. I mean, there's a water bottle, some rope, some shrubs, and obviously the main character's arms...but everything else isn't obvious. Like, there's clearly a structure behind the water bottle, but I have no idea what it is.
>>82768931
A small positive note: I fucking LOVE the little joke with "Bob". It's really just a nice bit of writing -- we expect Bob to be one of the friends, but as we see on the next page, it's the cliff itself. Good job on that.
>>82768952
The panels within the cliff are a bit ambiguous, although a slower reading makes it clearer. It's not entirely obvious that he's chalking his hands, so maybe give a bit more space or add another panel to make it clearer.
And I think you could also get away with having a panel of one of his feet.
>>82768995
fantastic page right there
>>82768971
A sound effect of some sort in the bottom middle panel would be nice. Or, if not that, then a little bit more visual indication that the ledge isn't reliable.
>>82768995
This is a great page, IMO. Obviously, you should edit out your text errors, but the idea behind it is great.
>>OP here, and whoa! Sorry for not storytiming. Its been a good long while since I have posted anything on 4chan.
>>82768893
Thanks appreciate the assist! Also, what do you mean by editing my text?
>>82769226
I know right?! You're impressed, I can tell. Who knew people still misspell things in 2016.
>>82769276
My creative writing skills are not great. Basically I was trying to write "I know have a new appreciation for life" but in a creative way. I wasnt sure if what I wrote was trying to hard. If you got any suggestion I'm open to it!
>>82769338
That first comment definitely makes sense, I'll add to my list of changes. As for the second note, I was trying to be clever implying 'something' is going to happen in this weekend trip. What you say does have a point though, should I scrap it or re phrase it because, at the moment, I'm drawing a blank. On the last note, the structure is supposed to be the back of his car. I was trying to think of some way to narrate it to be clear but couldnt think of anything.
>>82769549
Thanks for noticing the "bob" joke, wasnt sure if that one landed. When I am done with the edits I'll be adding the colors, hopefully that will clear things up.
>>82769727
Thanks! That page and the climbing silhouette were my "OOooooo AAAhhhhh" moments I thought up when doing the layins. Inspiration came from reading some of Becky Cloonan short stories.
>>82769730
Got that input about the sound effect from a friend of mine as well, will do. As for the text errors what do you mean? These type of notes are new to me.
