Post the worst mistakes you've ever made while cooking.
>be 16
>dad ripped out a page from the recipe book and left a note telling me to cook it
>everything going fine
>he made small addendum to the recipe to make it better
>1 of black pepper
>next to 1 tsp of garlic salt and 1 cup of cream of chicken
>decide he meant cup
>can smell the pepper the entire time it's cooking
>thing comes out looking like it's covered in sand
>family is both pissed at me for wasting all that food and laughing their asses off
>dad makes me eat a big bowl of it for punishment and entertainment
It was a tea spoon, not a cup of pepper.
>>7542720
One of my cousins didn't know what baking soda was and just used a cup of Pepsi instead.
I feel like that one is kinda common among first time unsupervised bakers.
>>7542720
Your dad sounds like a cunt
>>7542720
>1 of pepper
Lel
>a cup of pepper
>>7542740
>Ruined family dinner because he was too dumb to realize 1 cup of pepper was a bad idea.
He deserved it. Eating your fuckups is how you git gud as a chef.
I went through a phase of cooking with alcohol. Alot of recipes called for a "dry white wine". I looked in the spice aisle of every grocery store in town thinking dry meant it was a powder McCormick bottled.
It hardly counts as cooking but I'd make instant ramen all the time and would forget to put the water in often.
Also sometimes I'd just put the powder on the noodle chunk and eat it raw. I always said the diarrhea would be worth it. I as always wrong later. Didn't stop me from doing it again.
>Making burgers for myself
>They're super greasy so I decide to dump some in the sink
>As I am pouring the lid slips and they burgers go onto a semi-wet plate
>Try to cook the water out but they still tasted a little off.
Felt bad man.
>keep MSG in unlabeled jar
>Mommy assumes it's sugar
>bakes an apple crisp with it
>tries eating some and gets a headache
Who was at fault there?
>moved off to college, making first tuna helper
>hmm, this isn't so bad. chef it up a bit by adding black pepper and garlic powder
>calls for milk
>the only thing in the fridge is chocolate milk
>"Hey, it's only one cup, it can't be that bad..."
>end up making chocolate cheddar tuna helper
>eat it all anyway
Alcohol was a factor...
>>7542720
Please refrain from using ableist language :-)
>>7542720
>drop 100 pounds of smoked brisket on the floor in the walk in
>put it back in the container
>sold all of it
>just hit it with some extra water on the flat top
>>7543297
Shove it aspie.
Made cornbread once while pretty damn sick.
Came out dense and really really sweet.
Pretty sure I used powdered or confectioners sugar instead of flour, but since flour was a relatively small portion of the dry ingredients, it was still edible. Just off...
>Deep frying chicken livers.
>Not in quite long enough.
Oh no, you're not getting salmonella from that fuckup. Salmonella is for casuals. You fuck up -that- bad with organ meats you're going all the way.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Campylobacter
I shit out 17 goddamned pounds in six days. Damned near wound up in the hospital. Ohhh Jesus I learned my lesson I tell you.
>>7543461
Damn dude, you were almost an Oregon Trail game over screen.
>>7543480
Hah!
You know in my delirium I kept thinking about that game.
>>7543480
More like Organ Trail amirite
>>7543248
>MSG
Why?
>>7543595
I was young and foolish and saw a cheap bag of rooster brand stuff at the store.
>>7543595
I fucking love msg and use it in many dishes, especially my copycat KFC recipe.
>>7543579
Yes
KFC > McDonalds.
Their chicken and burgers are sooo good!
GOOD THREAD CHEERS FOR KEKS SHAME I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING TO CONTRIBUTE SORRY
>>7543579
Is that a trail left by organs or a trail of organs?
Was 14 and left pork red-ish in the middle since people had told me you're supposed to eat your meat rare or medium-rare. Got a pretty aggressive diarrhea for two days
>>7544655
It's a zombie survival version or Oregon Trail.
It also may refer to the 12 foot tether of entrails dragging behind the poor anon in this thread who spent a week shitting his guts out with dysentery.
>>7543248
>japan has jarred Metal Gear Solid
Truly a glorious nation.
Tried making a home version of candied peanuts. If you've been to NYC there are these carts that make them called Nuts4Nuts with peanuts, sugar and water pretty easily.
I made them once, they came out fine. Second time I fucked up and the nuts didn't seperate into individually candied pieces, but stayed one big sludge.
Luckily I'm not a retard like "1 of pepper" so I smoothed it out onto some parchment and ended up with dope peanut brittle.
I was probably 17.
I don't think I have a cup of pepper in my house
>>7543319
I did that frying chicken pieces for a stir fry with rice dish.
Fucking Alzheimer's grandma putting sugar in the flour container.
>>7542720
>living at my gfs condo, maybe 10 years ago (now my wife)
>love to cook now but was a kitchen retard at the time
>she's out of town
>just me and my weed at her place
>blazed af
>get hungry, not much in fridge
>ooh shit, frozen potsticker dumplings
>decide to use her new wok to fry them up
>pour oil in wok, turn on heat
>cover
>walk away for a minute
>get distracted by the internets
>couple minutes later, oh shit that oil must be hot now
>remove cover of wok
Holyfuckingshit.mpg
>4 ft flames coming off wok
>wtf wtf wtf wtf do I do???
>somehow managed to get lid back on the wok and turn the heat off
>wooden cabinets above all singed, blackened
>paint melted off the fan/hood unit above the stove
>lucky i didnt burn the place down
>awkward call to gf
>somehow manage to have her not be pissed at me mostly because im super embarassed and shes laughing at me
>>7543136
pfft haha
>15 home alone
>decide to make grilled cheese
>sliced cheese had gone bad so decide to use shredded
>bunch of cheese dumps in pan when I put it in
>didn't use enough butter
>cooked it too high so bread burnt and cheese didn't melt
>mom was sympathetic and dad wouldn't let me forget it
I tried to try and make Uyghur polo. The recipe for
the pilaf I was using called for a few dried chili
peppers whole. I didn't have any in the house or
couldn't find any at the supermarket so I just
dumped dried chili pepper flakes in until I thought I
had enough for the couple I needed.
It tasted like raw fire.
>>7542720
>dad ripped out a page from a recipe book
What the fuck is your dad's problem ruining a book like that
why didn't he leave you the fucking book
Also cup of pepper - are you for real
>>7544728
sugar and soy sauce stir fry with some heat would taste better than fucking breaded shit anyways
easy fix
i know a girl who put ranch dressing on her scrambled eggs because she wanted to try 'huevos rancheros'
>>7543579
http://store.steampowered.com/app/233740/
there ya go
>making shrimp fra diavolo
>julienne onions instead of mirepoix
>>7544911
it probably runs in the family
>>7544731
>>somehow manage to have her not be pissed at me mostly because im super embarassed and shes laughing at me
this right here is why she's your wife now
>>7545077
pity?
First time I tried making Bechamel Sauce it burnt and stuck to the pot. I just became a gross clump.
I also tried cooking pasta in sugared water because I mixed up the sugar and salt.
>>7544911
I think he actually made a copy of it. It happened a while ago.
>>7543620
Only on Tuesdays do I buy KFC.
>>7544689
It's not as much of a problem as it use to be. The pork industry is far cleaner and more sterile than it once was. But you should still cook it until the blood is gone.
>>7545277
1) There's no blood in meat sold at the market, the blood is drained out during slaughter. Any red stuff you see is myoglobin, not blood.
2) There's no reason to cook pork anything beyond "medium". Even Medium-rare is hot enough to kill the trichinosis parasite which is the big bad boogeyman that people worry about with pork.
Cream of tartar seems like a common mistake.
My own was misreading tsp for tbsp on a baking recipe. So I added 2 tbsp of baking soda when I only needed 2 tsp. Shit was inedible.
>last week
>decide to try my hand at bagels
>Salt: Check
>Sugar: Check
>Bread Flour: hm, only all purpose, but that's probably fine
>Oil: well, it's sesame, but that'll work
>Yeast: ...
>probably don't need yeast?
They were not very good
>>7542720
>making shortbread
>decide to spice it up a bit
>put a tablespoon of ground cardamom in there
It was inedible. I had no idea how strong that shit can get especially if there aren't many competing flavors
>>7545299
>probably don't need yeast?
lel
>>7545304
I'm surprised you missed the sesame oil part.
>>7545281
Yeah Yeah Yeah, I wasn't really meaning blood as much as the "red stuff". I knew when I typed that it would draw a response, but I was too lazy to back tract and drag up old memories/google to replace it with a more correct term. Isn't the myoglobin also the reason beef looks really red in packaging, but upon exposure to oxygen it turns brown and disgusting looking?
I think it's a generational phenomenon (again, maybe generational isn't the correct term, but whatever). People get stuck in "traditional" practices that their parents did and don't question why or if the practices are still needed. My mom for example, she needs to do dishes in hot water and rinse them off in hot water. I think she thinks that the hot water is needed to make the dishes clean/kill the bacteria. Of course the only thing that matters is the amount of soap and scrubbing. I'm still a fan of rinsing though (cold not hot) to remove the soapy/disgusting dish water before letting the dishes dry. Some people don't do that, and I have to think they like the taste of dish soap on their dishes/utensils.
>>7545299
The yeast really is your biggest mistake. Sesame oil isn't a big deal, would just effect taste more than anything. You could have tried replacing the yeast with baking soda and some citrus (lemon/lime), and let the mixture rise for a long time.
>>7545281
I think pork tastes better when it's well cooked.
>>7545318
I didn't have baking soda at the time either. I just moved in and only had some basic stuff, but I've filled it out for baking since then.
I tried to make a pizza but i didnt have enough flour so i subbed in about 1/2 of it as baking soda. The dough was all liquidy but i put it in with the toppings anyway. Half way through i though i should put vinegar on to cook off the soda. Ended up turning the oven even blacker and having to throw out this slush with toppings on it.
>>7545300
I've recently started shifting to using spices sparingly. Before I would blindly follow recipes found online and they always seemed to call for way too much spices. Tbsp are now replaced with half tbsp, and then I can adjust for future attempts.
I was 11 or 12 and made pancakes but I used baking soda instead of powder.
Gave it to my brothers dog and she happily ate it all up.
>>7545309
>looks really red in packaging, but upon exposure to oxygen it turns brown and disgusting looking?
You've got that backwards. It turns red upon exposure to oxygen, not the other way around.
>>My mom for example
Actually, she's right about the heat. That really is the main thing killing bacteria when you wash dishes. Soap is not antibacterial (assuming we're talking about normal dish soap and not the special antibacterial version). Scrubbing just moves things around, it doesn't kill bacteria. The heat, however, does kill bacteria, and it also helps the dishes dry faster when you're done washing them.
>>7545325
You probably should have made a smaller pizza.
Baking soda =/= flour, not even in the slightest.
>>7545325
>I tried to make a pizza but i didnt have enough flour so i subbed in about 1/2 of it as baking soda.
>>7545307
that's not as bad, wouldn't be surprised if it was kinda good unless the recipe for bagels calls for a lot of oil tbqh
>>7545326
that's funny I usually have to double the spices in any recipe I find online. Then again I was eating salsa with a spoon when I was 3
>>7545247
More like last year
>>7545325
>>7543248
her, for falling for the MSG sensitivity meme
>>7545330
to kill bacteria with heat you would need water much hotter than what comes out of your tap
>>7545415
That's not true. Sure, if you wanted to perform hospital-grade sterilization (including bacterial spores), then yeah, higher heat is needed. But most bacteria are indeed killed by simple "hot water".
>>7544731
You got a solid wife there anon, congrats. Reminds me of this girl I worked with at a restaurant, she was a waitress and completely retarded at cooking. Lived with her parents and decided to make grilled cheese for the first time ever. Puts oil in skillet, turns the fucker to high, and walks away for a solid ten minutes. Same kind of damage done.
Btw we called her pubic hair Becky because she was showing me her hip tattoos one day and gave me an eyeful of bush
>>7544801
>tried to try
>Uyghur
> pilaf
donald trump will knock on your door in five and throw you out by himself
>>7545442
That doesn't prove anything. He's not saying that boiling water won't kill bacteria, he's saying that hot tap water will kill a lot of bacteria. Water out of my tap gets to 140 degrees which will cook a steak to medium
>>7545442
Sounds awfully simplistic, anon. You done goofed.
To kill bacteria you need to consider both time as well as temperature. You can easily look this up: google "pasteurization chart". Notice that the charts/graphs give both a time and a temperature, such as pic related.
Notice that even water at a mere 130F will kill salmonella, it just takes a long time! But water at 145F will kill it in just a few minutes--and that's about right for soaking dishes in a sink full of hot water, then rinsing them.
>>7545487
That's only salmonella
>>7545500
Sure, I posted that as an example pic. Similar charts exist for just about any bacteria you could name, and most of them are indeed killed by exposure for a few minutes to what we would call "hot water".
Here's a chart for E.coli in beef.
>>7545493
sure bud, let's see how long you last in a pure hot water shower before you start screaming bloody murder
>>7545522
Wheres the ecoli count
>>7545539
Why would I start screaming bloody murder? I think I'd just get out of the shower if it hurt
>using cups as a standard of measurement
That's the real retarded part.
>>7545554
Here a cup is 250ml so its a decent measure
I left a pot of boiling water going so long that the water disappeared and the teflon burned, killing my pet parakeet.
It was a shit pet but poisoning isnt a good way to go.
>>7545593
What monster cooked this?! That steak clearly hasn't been boiled overhard.
>>7545569
so you are saying it would not be comfortable to exist in that environment? kind of like how your meme image said if it is comfy for you it's comfy for bacteria?
Do you even understand sous vide or do you just like pointlessly arguing with more well-informed people on the internet?
>>7545603
>if it hurt
Never said it would there kiddo
>>7545163
how did the pasta turn out
>>7545629
>what's pretty comfortable for your hands is pretty comfortable for bacteria
did you even read it before posting?
>>7545641
I never said the hot water would hurt me. Did you read my post?
I was experimenting, so i boiled some chicken in a white wine cream solution. Not only did it overflow, the foamy bits became this foamy curdled mess
>>7545773
Similar outcome when I tried poaching an egg and boiling noodles at the same time. I think it would have worked out, though, if I only used the yolk.
>>7545006
lel
>Trying to make homemade pizza when I was young
>Need to add salt to dough
>Love salt so reason I should put in extra
>Doing sauce
>Add pepper because I love better, reason I should put in extra
>Bake Pizza
>Didn't realize how thin I had to roll it out
>Thicket part is the center, sauce and toppings slid to the edges
>Sauce is too peppery, crust is too salty
>>7542735
Thats super funny
>>7546166
That's for introducing lactobacillus and other vaginal microbiota in order to ferment food.
If you can get yeast from your cooch that's probably not a good thing.
The worst thing I ever made was rainbow cake. I used a heap of food colouring (as you do), but also decided trying out a soda-leavened cake recipe with lemonade would be a good idea. It was disgusting and tasted like chemicals and sugar. Not a great moment.
>neighbor was trying to bake an instant cake for his mom
>pick up bag
>it's cake mix
>hey man, if this is cake mix, what's in the oven
>it was the frosting
>we tried eating it
>he got yelled at by his mom
>>7542720
h-how did you come to the conclusion of 1 fucking cup of pepper? Why didnt you just ask your dad?
>first time making mashed potatoes, or much of anything else
>don't add salt during or after cooking because everyone is always saying salt is bad for you
>don't cook the potatoes thoroughly so mashing them is barely working
>3 hours after start time and all I have is a giant ~10 pound container of barely mashed inedible shit filled with my tears and sorrow
Also, not really cooking per se, but food related nightmare:
>full jar of spaghetti sauce
>decide to give it a really powerful good shake to mix any water, oil, etc. floating on top back into the sauce
>forgot I already loosened the lid 5 minutes ago
>giant spaghetti sauce bullet flies across the room and explodes upon impact
>4 hours of cleaning sauce off of floor, walls, out of cabinets, and even off the ceiling and I still haven't eaten
>pic related
>15
>Mom works as a nurse so she gets home around 8:30 PM
>Wanted to make a nice dinner for her
>Decide on spinach and ricotta ravioli made entirely from scratch
>Takes me like 3 hours because I've never done anything like this before
>Mom gets home and I gather everybody together for dinner
>Didn't roll out dough thin enough
>Dad starts complaining to Mom not to buy this brand of ravioli again because it's not very good
>>7548368
And
>4 years old
>Wanted to make some chocolate milk
>Get nesquik from counter
>Accidentally knock it onto the floor, spilling powder everywhere
>Try to clean it up using a damp paper towel
>Ends up just spreading this chocolate water everywhere
>Dad comes in and is mad at me for making a mess
>>7548377
>being mad at a child for doing something wrong because it just didn´t know better
i hate parents who do that. just explain the mistake and show the child how to do better the next time, ffs
>first night in new dorm at uni
>had to move after first year because fuck me
>building is crawling with freshman qt's
>decide to cook chicken and rice
>tired as fug from moving all day
>forget to oil the pan
>throw two chicken tits in without even realizing
>step away to go find some seasoning
>come back to flip the tits
>theyve permanently bonded with pan
>need the jaws of life to peel them off
>wasted perfectly good chicken and made a huge mess of one of my only pans
>smoke everywhere
>doesnt even smell much like burning
>my roommates dont even notice
>3 qt's knock at the door
>autistic roommate answers it, im clearly busy
>they claim to have all "forgot their phone charger"
>ask to borrow his
>they all start saying things like "wow it smells so good in here omg, someone must be cooking!"
>ohfuckohfuckohfuck
>they come around the corner
>see me scramble to flip the pan upside down in the sink, chicken still glued to the bottom of it
>the leader awkwardly says "hey"
>i just say hey back
>mfw
>roommate gives them charger
>they leave
>order a pizza and frown in my room the rest of the night
>Get on an asian kick and try to make homemade dumplings
>don't have the wrappers so I read online you could make it with just flour and water
>dough comes out be a giant sticky mess, have to dump even more flower into it to get it workable
>recipe called for 1 cup flour and a 1/3 cup of water, I've dumped over 2 cups of flower into it
>begin to spoon it out and make the dumplings, but my filling was too wet and started to leak through the wrapper
>try to fry them in my wok but a few begin to rip and break
>toss the entire process and order dumplings instead
Someone gave me three bottles of this Mongolian fire oil stuff that I have no idea how to use, it kinda smells peppery but it's not hot and doesn't taste like much.
>>7548407
>/r/parenting
>>7548487
what is that even supposed to mean?
My roommate bought unmeltable shredded cheese once and tried to make nachos in the microwave. Why the fuck is there unmeltable shredded cheese.
>>7544775
>15
>can't make grilled cheese
Well
You sound a bit slow
>>7542720
>Cup of salt
>Teaspoon sugar
Peanut Butter Cookies
I constantly forget about the food while doing something else. ..sometimes they almost cause fires.
>>7543136
>>7548334
>10 pound container of barely mashed inedible shit filled with my tears and sorrow
>giant spaghetti sauce bullet flies across the room and explodes upon impact
O I am laffin'.
>>7548477
>dough comes out be a giant sticky mess, have to dump even more flower into it to get it workable
>recipe called for 1 cup flour and a 1/3 cup of water, I've dumped over 2 cups of flower into it
>dump even more flower into it to get it workable
>dumped over 2 cups of flower into it
>more flower into it
>of flower into it
>flower
>flower
Used black pepper when the recipe called for white pepper
didn't cook for 6 months following that gaffe
>>7548334
>giant spaghetti sauce bullet flies across the room and explodes upon impact
I microwaved some eggs without breaking the yolks. Cut into one, exploded in my face, on the wall, fucking everywhere
Tried to make dangos, couldn't even get the dough correct. Wasted a bunch of rice flour.
