I hate my mother and i wish i didn't.
Because of my childhood, in my opinion at least- i've become the most informed, polite, understanding and confident guy. With a good personality and genuinely unique interests to boot.
However from this..i was raised by mostly my mother- who is an old bat. I wish she was dead and i regret even saying that. She's got an obvious a borderline personality disorder.
She milks things out of people using breast cancer that was treated years ago, she flies into fits of rage when her thoughts or ideas of challenged (to family or strangers), breaks things, stomps her feet, and has even threatened me or my romantic interests in the past (i now lie about even having girlfriends)
She put my father tens of thousands of dollars into debt from casino games and drank herself into rehibilitation (she's clean now).
The smaller things are impossible to list. But my question is: how can i come to terms with this? I barely talk to her- and when i do; something cringe-inducing happens and i want to just get drunk with friends to forget about it with fun times instead(unhealthy).
I don't know what to do besides ignore the cunt and my father too (unfortunately).
Has anyone dealth with this? What will happen that i might expect, or might not expect?
I wish i had access to therapy; but i do not.
>Because of my childhood, in my opinion at least- i've become the most informed, polite, understanding and confident guy. With a good personality and genuinely unique interests to boot.
Holy shit you're me. I've never seen someone state these same exact qualities that have emerged from their situation, apart from myself.
I'm in the same boat as you, but with a narc mother. My family is still whole, but I'm moving out soon as things have gotten way worse lately. Maybe you could do the same, but in your case I think it would be best to visit her from time to time, more often in the beginning but slowly spreading them out.
I'm sorry about your situation, I know how bad BPDs are. But just remember that it's a mental disorder. She wouldn't have been like this if she were normal. I think understanding that alone will help you.
>>17127147
It's frustrating; because anyone i've ever talked to says i should "accept her"- but doing that is just turning myself into a doormat.
It's impossible and it makes me believe that not all mental disorders should be tolerated; because they're extremely hurtful and toxic.
If you need to vent; you can talk here and i can add things that might've helped my situation.
WARNING: It's impossible to move out properly with parental types like this.
Could you do a one-man good cop/bad cop routine? By that I mean, be constantly switching back and forth between sweetness, anger, moral judgement, sorrow, pity, mockery and insults? Can you get away with disrespecting your mother? Can you make her fear you?
>>17127214
This is looking to psychologically become the exact same person she is and i'm not really into that.
When i was younger i'd become outraged back at her; tell her to stay away from me; all that stuff. It only made her flip out worse.
Worse off- my father has always blamed me for not controlling myself, or the things i say whenever my mother erupted. Everything was literally my fault until my mom switched gears on him.
Then when i'd tell him "told you so" he'd be a burthurt sad sack and say don't give him attitude.
Just zero cognitive reasoning, resonance or understanding of any situation. They're unfortunately- losers with nothing to live for except for the television and paying bills.
The best thing to do is to walk away and ignore everything.
>>17127197
No no, not accept her behaviour as in be ok with it. Just accept that she has a mental condition, that you yourself can't help her, and that with this illness they can't control themselves. That's why they need therapy. I know it's hard for us normal people to deal with them, but think of it from her perspective - she has to live like this and with this her whole life. These ups and downs, rollercoasters, outbursts, loving and hating people who are actually dear to you. It's far worse for them. Imagine living your life in the hell that their mind is. Maybe in time when you can afford it, you could pay for her treatment if you want to.
>It's impossible to move out properly with parental types like this.
I know. That's why I said to keep visiting her, lest you provoke a split.
>If you need to vent; you can talk here
Thank you, you're kind. I'm beyond that stage now, I know she has a problem, things don't bother me anymore, I know how she is. I'm trying to come to accept that I'll never get that love from her that every child needs.
>>17127214
He'd basically turn into her. And this is a BPD we're talking about, you don't know how they are.
>>17127249
I suppose this is the fairest and most healthy non hateful way to look at it. There is always love other places than your mother as well; you can be taught by other people later on in life too.
Thanks anon.
>>17127268
No prob, hope you make it.
I'm glad you turned out alright, most people just get selfish and self centered.
As for love, it's not going to happen. I attract the wrong people, then I have issues as well from this. It's alright, I'm slowly starting to accept my new life. Thanks for the kind thoughts.
>>17127114
She probably helped craft your narcissistic personality so I wouldn't resent her too much.
