Ok, so this is fucking tearing me apart and it hurts my every time I think of it. I don't understand why this is happening.
I'm not going to get into details, but there's this girl I've "known" for around 5 years. We've never really talked up in person, but we're aware of each other's existence. I'm 18 and I'm a senior in high school.
So I first became aware her in band class when I was in 8th grade. I didn't really even think much of her. I thought she was kind of cute, but it wasn't something that I would go home and think about. She was in 7th grade at the time.
About 5 months into the school year I started developing an extremely strong crush for her. I felt really connected to her for whatever reason, and she just seemed beautiful to me. It wasn't even her facial features, it was just something about her and I still can't figure it out. But being the awkward 14 year old I was, I didn't have the courage to talk to this girl, or any girl for that matter.
Facebook was starting to become the thing, so I decided to look her up and I was able to find her. I said fuck it and sent her a message saying "You're beautiful". She replied saying thank you or something but she didn't know who I was. So I told her who I was and that I was in her band class and she replied "Oh yeah, I know who you are." After that she never replied. I sent her a message every few weeks trying to say high, but I'm pretty sure that she blocked me. I was pretty depressed after that.
For the rest of the year I stalk her Facebook and shit, and every time I see her in class my attraction to her builds up incredibly. Anytime we'd walk past, she'd quickly point her eyes the other way. I began to realize that she may be scared of me. But I felt a feeling for her I have never felt for anybody before.
So let's fast forward to my 10th grade year. By this time I wasn't as obsessed but I was still stalked her everyonce and a while. The school year had just began. (cont.)
>>17096017
(Cont.) since she was a grade below me, she was going to be entering the high school I was already going to.
I was pretty hyped about this. I started sending her anonymous messages on that "ask.fm" app saying that I think she's really cute and that I'm a grade above her and super excited to see her. Surprisingly she didn't know who I was, even though I said I used to know her in middle school, but I'm sure she had long forgotten. Plus, I didn't give her my name or what class I was in.
I see her on the first day of school, and I'm flipping out. She was so much more beautiful than I remembered. That night I ended up giving her the username to one of my messaging apps because she was desperate to know who I was because she thought my little messages were really cute. She messages me and says something like "bro just send me a photo of you so I can see who you are". So I do. She messages "oh yeah I remember". I never got a message after that. I'm pretty sure she had blocked me after, regardless of sending 3 additional messages.
I should also add that at this time I had really bad psychotic bipolar that was unmediated. So I start freaking the fuck out. I start sending her messages on the ask.fm app telling her that she's important significance to me and that I don't even like her but I need her because I work for the government (this was all part of my psychotic delusions). I went on this for days, threatening her and start telling her she's a spoiled bitch. About the 4th day of school I start getting really heavy hallucinations. (Cont.)
>>17096031
(Cont.) I then tell my mom that I'm having extreme delusions and hallucinations, so I get on heavy medication and start homeschooling. I homeschooled for about 3 years, until I went back my senior year. After my first week I apologize to her on the ask.fm
app and tell her that I have a mental illness.
My condition got better and I basically forgot about her. I get back to school. We end up crossing paths again. I feel like I had just fallen in love all over again. Every time I see her I feel like we're married and I haven't seen her in 20 years. It's such a strong emotion that I can't control and can't figure out.
At this point, I'm not as socially anxious. I have plenty of friends and talk to plenty of girls. I even have a 10/10 girlfriend that I love very much.
But the dilemma is, I feel like I'm in love with the other girl even more. It fucks me up because I have a girlfriend who I'm in a very intimate relationship with, yet I feel like I'm in deep love with this other girl who I've never even had an actual conversation with, and is honestly not even a 10/10.
I just don't know what it is. I should already be over this. Whenever I think of her, I start feeling really emotional and empty inside that I don't have her and that she hates me.
This shouldn't be happening. There is no reason that I should feel this way towards her. What is wrong with me, /adv/?
>>17096017
I guess you just need to be more urself
>>17096042
>>17096047 may be joking, but is right.
>This shouldn't be happening.
Dude take it easy. It is happening, whether your inner judge likes it or not.
Accept it. Accept the fact that a mere sight of her overwhelms your senses. You are sensitive. I get it. I am sensitive too. I can't focus on anything when I am in a presence of a beautiful girl that is very much my type. And it's okay.
>>17096071
It won't go away, though. What do I do about it? It's like a constant nagging pain.
>>17096077
>>17096071
Oh you kids and your first crushes. It's cute until you realize you're pouring all your time and effort into a girl who doesn't even like you.
>>17096077
this may seem hard to do, but I think you should ask her out. If shes says no it may be easier to get over her even if its soul crushing at first.
>>17096088
I have a girlfriend... why would I ask her out anyways? She has something against me. I've never spoken a word to her in person, I'm not just going to go up to her and ask her out.
>>17096093
Don't worry. When you finally graduate from big boy school, you'll never see her again unless you continue stalking her on Facebook like the freak you are.
Just give it time until you part ways after high school and you never see her again. You're at your senior year anyway. Make sure you don't go to the same college or job or some shit. Don't do anything stupid. Just survive until then.
>>17096077
Dunno how to advise opie but those are some really strong feelings. You sound like a sweet lovable person. Realistically what do you love about her? What do you think causes those feelings of yours? Also why do you think she doesn't want you (in your opinion)? She isn't really making time for you, or even caring about you.
You deserve someone much better and I'm just going out there on a limb judging by how loving you seem
>>17096103
>>17096103
I don't know why I love her and I don't know what is causing the feelings, all I know is that they are strong and won't go away.
And I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me because in both instances she stopped messaging me over social media.
When I went berserk over her on ask.fm she claimed that she didn't block me but I don't see why else she wouldn't be getting my messages, especially since this has happened twice.
>>17096111
Maybe it's your appearance. Maybe it's just your personality. Who knows. Some people just don't like other people. What I do think is wrong is how she doesn't man up and straight up tell you to your face. Like she just avoids you instead of giving closure or explaining. A cowardly tactic. If it was me, I'd personally take a few moments to explain everything to you rather than leave you on the hook like this for years.
Since she probably isn't the type to do that, then I don't really know how to advise. Realistically the only thing you can do is replace her with something or someone
I think you said you had a girlfriend
>>17096119
Well, I'm thinking about maybe at least just going up to her and apologizing
