Hey /adv/ I need help.
I've been considering suicide as an option in life and this is the third time that this has come up for me. I've been depressed most of my life, with the exception being my childhood. I used to think that if I just pull up my bootstraps and got living life and got friends and all that it would solve my problems but I always wind up feeling depressed and back where I am right now. Yes, I've been to therapy and went on the drugs and they didn't really do it for me.
What should I do? I know this isn't normal and I've run out of options. Friends and family are sick of it and think I should get over it and do things and I'll be okay. Never works out like that.
>>17089889
Youre not the one
>>17089911
What does that even mean?
>>17089889
people are dismissive, and it sucks. i just got diagnosed with mdds, and the weeks leading up to it has been a lot of 'oh you'll be fine'. even now that i got it, my friend just responded with a
:/
emoticon. best ive gotten is a 'damn that sucks dude'.
sucks when people dont listen. as for you, i have some good news
>went on the drugs
>didn't really do it for me
congratulations. you are not clinically depressed. you are just sad. therapy gets mixed results cuz every single therapist and interaction with you is a bit unique
bootstrapping is a step. but its only the first.
what a good therapist should do is help you explore what is making you sad, and hten find ways to fix them. but many simply expect you to 'come to terms' with what made you sad, and thats bullshit
>>17089931
The drugs did make me feel better, but I don't want to have to be reliant on those drugs for the rest of my life. They made everything very flat and I couldn't enjoy too much of my life...
If I've been depressed for this long it's not going to get any better. I've tried it before and thought I was successful until I wound up right where I began.
Sorry to hear that no one's listening to you or taking you seriously man. Mental illness is a hell of a thing.
>>17089889
What medications have you tried? I went through eight different kinds, which either did nothing at all or, more commonly made everything a hundred times worse, before I found the right one. Now I'm on 150mg Trazadone and it's absolutley fantastic. I sleep like a baby (not in the litteral sense, they wake up every hour and start screaming, horible little cunts) and allthough I do sometimes feel a bit low it's no more than a "normal" person would, it certainly doesn't affect my quality of life.
Antideressants are quite unpredictable, the only way you can really tell which one is right for you is to keep trying until you find one that works.
>>17089889
Call the hotline.
>>17089939
>if I've been depressed for this long it's not going to get any better.
thats the depression talking. plenty of people do get better. thats probably half the reason you are still depressed.
>i got better but then i got worse
so what you're saying is, life happens. its not a consistent buzz of joy. accept that fact and make the best of it.
>mentall illness is a hell of athing
its not a mental illness, MdDS is literal brain damage. basically it makes it so that im the bad kind of drunk 24/7. i have about one lucid moment a week as of now. it lasts about ten mintues than im back to being dizzy, fatiqued, etc.
if im pushing through this, you can push through that, mate.
>>17089953
That sounds really expensive and annoying anon, but I appreciate the advice. I only tried Lexopro.
>>17089956
>thats the depression talking. plenty of people do get better. thats probably half the reason you are still depressed.
I've been like this since I was twelve. Did I find things to ease the time and distract myself? Sure. But I was never happy.
>so what you're saying is, life happens. its not a consistent buzz of joy. accept that fact and make the best of it.
I'm aware of that but even when I was better I had times where I was still depressed and friends noticed this about me. I mostly drowned it out with alcohol and cheap thrills.
I'm happy that you're pushing through it man and I wish you luck. I know you're just giving the best advice you can and I don't mean to be unappreciative.
>>17089972
why'd you make this thread? you ask what to do. but you insist this isn't going to change.
so i ask, why did you make this thread?
>>17090017
for help
get ECT
>>17090104
what's that?
>>17090081
on what? you insist therei s literally no help. how can we help you if you literally said
>>17089939
>If I've been depressed for this long it's not going to get any better.
so what are you actually asking for?
>>17090112
electroconvulsive therapy
>>17090116
you're giving conventional advice. i want to get better but i'm still unsure it could happen
>>17090121
i'll have to look into it
>>17089889
take up a very dangerous job, like emergency responder or electrician
die doing good
also option; charity travels to far away countries, missionary quests or w/e theyre called to war torn places
oooooh be a war journalist or photographer
depression unfortunately kills our thinking skills, so do running and hard cardio to refire your brains nuerons, then getchoself a dangerous job
bus driver for ghetto routes since 2009, broken up two knife fights and strong-armed more perverts off my boat than there are days in the year. dangerous job, been stabbed once, mugged three times and never felt hungrier for life
>>17090134
unsure or certain? again you literally said
>ive been depressed for htis long its not goign to get any better.
make up your mind. and i dont mean that in an antagonistic way. i mean that in a proactiv way. make the choice now about whether or not life is worth living.
>>17090149
You sound as if you've never had these issues before which leads me to believe you won't be able to understand or help too much. Ah, no offence. It's not as easy as to say life is worth living fear has been what's kept me alive to date.
>>17090144
This is an interesting bit of advice. I'm broke so I won't be able to afford the training for such a job but it's a good idea.
>>17090154
on the contrary, i had it growing up, 12 to 17, was hospitalized once for trying to OD on nyquil, the other time just confessed i wanted to do it again so went to a 72 hour hold. that turned to a week. they let me out after that but i had to go back to my therapist. hated her (faked being happy to get away from her the first itme). parents finally listened and switched to a new therapist, and by 17 years old i was starting to feel human agian. struggled a bit (not suicidally, but with existential shit) for the next few years but i was determined and i found myself. even last year i even had chemical depression just last year because of a medication i was taking. i wanted to kill myself every fucking day. i was afraid to tell anyone cuz i knew theyd want me to sto ptakign the meds but i thought they'd make my life better in the long run. i stopped carrying my pocket knife cuz all i wanted to do wasw take it otu and slash my own throat.
just because i overcame it doesn't mean i dont understand. on the contrary, i understand it enough to know you can overcome it.
but sure just roll with
>BOO HOO YOU CANT UNDERSTAND MUH PAIN
>>17090154
>>17090172
and, like i said, now i have MdDS. potentially life long brain damage. i even talked out at what point it would be reasonable to kill myself instead of fucking living like this.
but i made the choice to find a way to live my life. you can too mate. but you have to make the choice. whining and insisting nothing will make you happy just creates a self fulfilling prophecy.
stop letting depression define you. dont let it be what makes you 'special'.
>>17090172
>>17090178
Well now you just sound like you frequent reddit and got triggered.
Look I get that's your story, but whenever I tried to get better or thought "This is it!" all that ever happens is that I return to square one of wanting to die. It's been like this since I was twelve and after I've lived like this for most of my life I have to realize that this is just who I am. My life isn't some movie where I make a wonderful breakthrough and have a happily ever after. I will never be normal and content like most everyone else is in the world. This is my normal.
>>17090178
I'll just add that I'm not even whining. I've been doing things to try to progress this past month but nothing has worked. I keep all this shit to myself so I don't worry anyone.
>>17090187
>you shared my experiences and got better
>YOU MUST BE FROM REDDIT LUL TRIGGERED
it must be hard being simultaneously so depressed and so ego centric.
>my lifer isnt some breakthrough where i live happily ever after
in what world is having MdDS happily ever fucking after? if you dont want to get better, fine, stop posting. but dont make a thread insisting nothing will make you happy but then also asking for advice. go to /r9k/ you'll love it there.
>>17090192
>im not even whining
>im just insisting no advice would ever work on an advice forum.
you've made your choices. go wallow in your misery
>>17090197
It's not what you're saying, it's how you're talking that singles you out as a reddit user.
>in what world is having MdDS happily ever fucking after?
That comment wasn't about you. You should make a thread about your anger issues.
>you've made your choices. go wallow in your misery
Other anons have posted helpful things here but not you. You're a strange one, Mr. Grinch.
>>17089889
>suicide as an option in life
B-but that doesn't make sense
>>17090245
Sure it does. I'm alive, I choose to kill myself, I am now dead.
>>17089889
I'm in a similar position. Tried quite a few meds, therapy, etc, didn't work.
This is called treatment-resistant depression (obviously).
Right now we're on the very edge of psychopharmacology, dozens of new treatments for us are being researched as we speak.
Most will turn out to be worthless. A few will be great. A couple might even work.
Just today, I've been doing a bit of research on depression+anxiety treatments worth trying, to prep for the appt with my shrink in a few months (i'm out of the country). Some things I've jotted down:
>buspirone (Buspar)
unique anxiolytic, worth a shot since low risk
>gabapentin (Neurontin), pregabalin (Lyrica), or phenibut
preferably phenibut: already tried gabapentin, but phenibut isn't easy to get in the US and pregabalin is hundreds of dollars a month since it's still on patent
>propanolol
beta-blocker, may help control excessive tachycardia/arrhythmic due to anxiety attacks while on stimulants
>atomoxetine (Strattera)
May be useful in combination with buspirone, and generally fairly harmless so worth trying
>mirtazapine+venlafaxine ("California Rocket Fuel")
effective antidepressant combo but both are known to induce/exacerbate akathisia (particular concern in my case)
And the list's not done. Still got the melatonergics to go through, as well as a couple of the tricyclics and NMDA modulators. Plus all the shit i'm forgetting.
Basically, you haven't exhausted the treatment options until you've tried more drugs, then more drugs, then more kinds of therapy, then more drugs, and then ECT. And ketamine if you can find a test program in your area, it's shown excellent results in trials so far (as "esketamine", the left-handed isomer: pharma companies need something to patent).
But note that you may not be as fucked-up-in-the-head as I am, so this may all be ridiculous overkill in your case.
>>17089972
>I only tried Lexopro.
Then you have a long road ahead.
For what it's worth, Lexapro was the first one I tried too.
>>17090363
Thanks, this is all good advice for me. I don't have a lot of money to afford these sorts of things but I have a lot of time...
I just want to feel normal so I can take care of myself and have it not be a struggle. I'm not good at taking care of myself at all.
That's a nice image I should save it.
>>17089889
You have no personality. Go travel.
>>17090393
Been there, done that, and it made things worse.
>>17090404
How did travel make it worst?
>>17089955
>Call the hotline.
Was just thinking earlier today, hotlines are a pretty piss-poor public resource for some people, especially those with comorbid anxiety issues. I've thought about killing myself on a daily basis for most of the past 10 years, saw that number posted thousands of times, and never once even considered calling.
What the hell would you even say?
>Hi, i'm John. I feel like offing myself. Can you try to convince me otherwise?
>Sure, John!
>It'll get better someday!
>Somewhere out there, someone cares about you!
>[hang up]
>>17089939
>The drugs did make me feel better, but I don't want to have to be reliant on those drugs for the rest of my life
If you lost most of your legs tomorrow in a car accident, would you think "fuck this wheelchair, i don't want to be dependent on this for the rest of my life"?
You don't really have a choice.
Until we come up with turbocharged bionic superhuman replacements for your legs (and you can afford them), you're stuck with the wheelchair.
>They made everything very flat and I couldn't enjoy too much of my life...
Then those were the wrong drugs
>>17090377
>I don't have a lot of money to afford these sorts of things
US, i'm guessing, no job so no insurance?
Keep in mind that the generics are pretty cheap, only meds that are still on patent or have no generic are expensive as hell (that's why i noted the pregabalin specifically, i don't have $400/month to spare either).
And even the shittiest insurance will usually cover most of them to the point where you're paying a $5 co-pay at the desk.
The bigger problem is that to do such aggressive treatment, you have to see your psychiatrist regularly, and in most countries the visits are (stupidly) limited to a certain number in an interval, so you'll run out of free appts and have to start paying $100-200 for each. Doing this every 6 weeks gets expensive.
Gotta find a job or get on medicaid.
>>17090438
>US, i'm guessing, no job so no insurance?
I'm from Canada, actually. I have a part-time job but it's minimum wage for a pretty bad company but the thing is all this costs a lot of money...money that I don't have. It's very hard for me to live normally let alone work a job full time...that would be something that I don't think that I could do.
>If you lost most of your legs tomorrow in a car accident, would you think "fuck this wheelchair, i don't want to be dependent on this for the rest of my life"?
You don't really have a choice.
Until we come up with turbocharged bionic superhuman replacements for your legs (and you can afford them), you're stuck with the wheelchair.
This...is actually a good point.
>>17089889
I think the words below are yours, and I just want to point some things out:
>>17090187
>I have to realize that this is just who I am. My life isn't some movie where I make a wonderful breakthrough and have a happily ever after. I will never be normal and content *like most everyone else is in the world.* This is my normal.
[Emphasis added]
>>17090377
>I just want to *feel normal* so I can take care of myself and have it not be a struggle. I'm not good at taking care of myself at all.
Here's what I'm inferring from a cursory analysis: You believe in a "normal" word where people don't struggle, and you think something's wrong with you when you're not happy.
Here's the good and bad news, OP: Everybody is fucking miserable a lot of the time. Maybe most of the time. We're sold a lie, and our generation (well, maybe we share a generation, but basically everyone since Gen-X) has been sold this ever-more-finely-honed ghost world of happy people living happy lives on every media outlet we've been bombarded with our whole goddamn lives.
And we've internalized it. And they've gotten us to blame ourselves for being unhappy.
You are just smart enough to see the patterns, OP. You are paying attention, and you see the suffering. But the mistake you're making is that you are assuming that the pattern your emotions has taken so far will continue forever, and you'll always feel suicidal.
You. Will. Not. You will feel joy, and love, and belonging, and you will keep living and find a gentle kind of assurance in watching this bizarre world in which we live. But you'll do it because you'll realize that there's nothing wrong with you.
It's not a conspiracy theory to recognize that the entirety of the pharma industry depends on selling us things we buy to feel normal.
If meds didn't work, it's not a chemical imbalance (as >>17089931 mentions).
So, I guess my advice is to recognize that what you're experiencing is the human condition. We all are. It'll get better.
