I don't know who to talk to about this, so I'm posting here. Maybe if I put how I'm feeling into words I will feel better about it and be granted some clarity on the situation or something.
I've been with my current girlfriend for almost two and a half years. This is the most serious and longest relationship that either of us have ever had. My girlfriend is amazing; she does a lot for me and I really care about her. I love her very much, but recently I have been noticing her small flaws more and I can lose my patience with her quickly. Not huge flaws either, just small things (loud snoring, how loud she can be when she talks) that make my autism flare up. Despite these things (that she can't even control) she is the best girlfriend I can ever have and ever hope to ask for.
Roughly two months ago I started a new job. There was a girl that was hired with me who I didn't pay much attention to at first. However as I started working with her I quickly became attracted to her. She is very pretty. She's kind, funny, and fun to be around in general. If I were single I would have asked her out within a week of knowing her. I soon realized that I had developed a crush on her. Attraction is something that happens and it isn't something I can control, I know that. She has shown interest in me too. She always finds an excuse to talk to me. I pick up on her cute ideas of flirting with me. She has offered and has given me a ride home from work (I walk to work).
Now this crush has developed into something more. When I'm alone I'm thinking about her. I'm fantasizing about her too; not even sexually, either. I used to do this in high school all the time. I would become friends with a girl or a girl would show a slight interest in me and I would imagine how things would go if I asked her out.
Cont'd
>>17003562
However back in high school I was a chicken shit who didn't have the confidence to pursue a relationship with any of those girls. This time I can't pursue a relationship because I am already committed.
I've realized that it's not necessarily her that I am 'falling for'. It's the kind of person she CAN be. I barely know anything about her. She could have sucked a hundred cocks for all I know, but my head canon has me thinking she is some sort of pure Christian virgin or something. What if she's the one I'm supposed to be with? What if she is a succubus that will ruin my life if things keep going the way they are? What if, what if, what if.
So:
1.) How do I stop thinking about someone that I can't be with? I interact with her on a daily basis and I am not willing to quit my job as I deem that to be too extreme for the circumstance.
2.) How do I get to know her better as a friend? Maybe if I get to know her better I can replace how she really is with my head canon. The downside of this is that it can backfire and it could make me want her more the more I get to know her.
Side note: in the two and a half years that I've been with my girlfriend I have not made a single female friend that wasn't a friend of hers first. I've never been in this kind of situation before so that may be why I am struggling to handle it on my own.
Overall, I DO NOT want to be anything more than friends with this new girl. Despite my frustration with my current girlfriend, that may have catalyzed the way that I'm feeling for this new girl, it is hard for me to see myself with someone else who cares about me as much as she does. I have thought about breaking up with my girlfriend to pursue this new interest, but quickly realized that is a stupid impulsive decision that would leave me alone and miserable in the end. It is not right to throw two and a half years with an amazing person out of the window for the way I'm feeling right now.
If your girlfriend has annoying habits then tell her and see if she's doing anything she can help changing
Also, don't encourage your co-worker! You don't have to tell her to fuck off and that you have a gf but you shouldn't go out of your way to talk to her
Anyway, if you were in a relationship with her for long enough you'd notice her annoying flaws too
>>17003581
Most things can't really be changed or helped. It is more of me getting used to her annoyances rather than her fixing them. Which is fine with me I just hate losing my patience with her when she does something that annoys me I know she can't help it.
I'm not flirting back with my co-worker but I can't help but be friendly with her. You're right though I shouldn't be going out of my way to talk to her.
Yeah exactly. A new relationship (friendship or otherwise) just seems exciting for me at the moment but there is no guarantee she will work out in the long run.
Thanks for the advice.
It's very simple. Any girl you get to know for a long time you will also come to know her flaws.
This girl may even like you too and she is presenting a personality that is appealing and attractive. All single women do this, and often women in relationships do this too because many women need positive male attention.
But, dating someone for a while, you see behind the scenes. That is the challenging part of a relationship, to see behind the scenes and still love someone.
You have fallen for an image that is carefully cultivated. But even this girl will have negative qualities behind the scenes.
>>17003581
I agree. Do NOT get rides home with this girl if you care about your girlfriend's emotions at all. It will deeply hurt her.
>>17003601
I agree completely.
>>17003604
I told my girlfriend I got a ride home with the co-worker. She was upset by it but ultimately got over it. I'll avoid getting rides home from her again though.
OP, just saying, I was in your situation (although I hadn't dated the girl as long), dumped my girlfriend, and it was the best decision I've ever made. Might be different for you but it is what it is.
If you do choose your girlfriend, you need to limit the interactions with the coworker or find a new job because things will get worse. Don't try to build a friendship.
>>17003620
Or OP could stick it out with a girl he knows he cares about and maybe have a happy family one day.
>>17003636
I didn't tell him not to do that, I'm just saying that if I stuck with my ex for the sake of her being there first, I'd still be unhappy. It's up to OP to make the decision but he deserves to hear multiple perspectives.
Too many guys get one girl on this board and then assume they're going to be together forever and then freak out when things don't go their way. People break up, people meet other people that are more compatible. It sucks but it's true.
>>17003636
>>17003620
This is where things get hairy. How do I know I'm supposed to be with my current girlfriend? Sure it feels right right now, but who can say five years from now? How do I know if my co-worker is my future soulmate, or if some other woman I never met is?
These are all things I'm trying to figure out. Maybe I'm a pussy for staying with my current girlfriend because it is the 'safe' route. I'm in a confusing place right now.
>>17003667
I would like to reiterate that how I am feeling is not grounds for me to break up with my girlfriend. Part of me wants to get to know my co-worker more and then maybe see if a relationship could be worth pursuing with her. But in the meantime I don't want anything to do with her romantically.
>>17003562
You're asking the wrong questions. You need to do a lot of introspective thinking about your current relationship, where it's headed, and finally, ask yourself why you have a crush on this girl when you love your girlfriend. Maybe you're constantly chasing that first-love feeling? Maybe not, but find out why. If you don't want to get annoyed with every single girl after two years then you need to find a way to be comfortable with the companionship that relationships ultimately develop into.
You seriously cannot want to just be friends if you're both interested in each other. Give the girl signals to back off start talking about your girlfriend more. Only a tramp is going to move in on a man who's already in a relationship. Think about the kind of person that is and where that will land you if it's pursued.
>>17003581
>>17003601
>>17003604
>>17003636
Fucking 11/10 advice tonight guys. OP listen to these anons of wisdom.
>>17003667
You know for a fact that your current gf cares for you deeply. With that it is at least logical that you stay with your current gf instead of throwing it away for what ifs
>>17003562
Every girl you'll ever meet/date has annoying flaws. Your coworker will have flaws that annoy you. People aren't perfect anon, you have to come to accept your girlfriend has flaws and just focus on the positives side of her.
Just fucking break up with her, you're already emotionally cheating. She deserves better, than to be with someone who's comparing her to an easy thot who knows you have a gf.
>>17003563
As long as you don't act on it, the crush will pass. I had a crush on someone and started dating them, but it ended because I felt we got along better as friends, not as a couple. I'm sure with time you could be able to be friends with this girl without having the attraction you have now.
You'd be an idiot to drop a perfectly good 2 year relationship over some chick you just met. If there are no problems with your current girlfriend besides you noticing a flaw of hers or two, why even consider breaking up?
>>17003562
>Now this crush has developed into something more. When I'm alone I'm thinking about her. I'm fantasizing about her too; not even sexually, either. I used to do this in high school all the time. I would become friends with a girl or a girl would show a slight interest in me and I would imagine how things would go if I asked her out.
That's still the definition of a crush, you twat.
>>17003563
>1.) How do I stop thinking about someone that I can't be with? I interact with her on a daily basis and I am not willing to quit my job as I deem that to be too extreme for the circumstance.
Just stop fantasising about how amazing you think she is, you are filling in blanks about her that you don't know, there are many things that she wont tell you, she could have a heroin addiction and 4 black kids, but you will think of her as innocent and pure.
I've never worked with anyone who shares their life story including the shitty bits, because they want to appear strong and capable, and I've had a few jobs over the last 12 years and met a lot of people.
>2.) How do I get to know her better as a friend? Maybe if I get to know her better I can replace how she really is with my head canon. The downside of this is that it can backfire and it could make me want her more the more I get to know her.
By being friends and asking open ended questions (not yes/no/1 word answers) about her, but I'd dare to say that she is just being polite because you work together.
>Side note: in the two and a half years that I've been with my girlfriend I have not made a single female friend that wasn't a friend of hers first. I've never been in this kind of situation before so that may be why I am struggling to handle it on my own.
Does your gf know about this girl or how much you work together? that might be an issue to consider before anything else.
>>17003601
God damn do I know this feeling.
>friend with girl for a long time
>incredibly knowledgeable in the field she studied in
>ridiculous body, amazing rack and nice ass
>huge fitness fanatic, regular gym attendee
>fucking godly in video games and ruthlessly competitive, hates casuals and any game she wants to play she learns meta level strats
>competed in tournaments against some of the best
>get together by some miracle, feel like I hit the fucking jackpot
>seems perfect in every way
>begin living together after a couple years dating
>a month in, come home because I took a half day off to find the fridge nearly emptied out
>find her in the kitchen with the trashcan next to her filled to the brim with cartons, wrappers, everything, easily enough food to feed us both for the week
>she's full blown bulimic, been that way for years since she was a teenager
>breaks down uncontrolably sobbing and apologizing for hiding it from me
>she even had a list of all the food she ate, as well as how full / how many pieces were in there so that she could replace it piece for piece
>goes to purge the food, i hold her hair up
>she's sobbing and telling me she's so sorry in between the heaving
>this fucking destroyed me because it isn't really her fault, she didnt ask to have that kind of disorder
>still working with her to this day to help her get the help she needs to overcome it
You never know what's behind the mask. It's nice to be bright eyed and hopeful, but never assume anything and be ready for the worse.
