If you do it immediately and resolve to never let the truth be known, it's psychologically healthier for them if you just end everything. However you should still use the general explanation--not finding everything you're looking for in this relationship--so that you don't invite an investigation from your soon to be ex.

However it's not physically healthier. However minute the odds, you may have actually given your fiance an STD. It's really unfair to not give them the opportunity to find out and treat it if possible.

>>16973118
I got cheated on by my fiance. Yes you need to tell them you cheated. Communication is everything. After he told me he cheated sure it's devastating but if she finds out later on somehow or by someone else it'd even fucking worse don't d that to her. Respect her and tell her the truth. She deserves it and it'd your responsibility and it's the only way you can even own up to your actions and own up to it a least for her..

>>16973163

I do appreciate what you're saying but I haven't slept with my fiancé in around nine months - there is almost no way they could have caught anything from me (plus I have had a recent test which came back all clear).

I have tried to end it before (this isn't an excuse for my behaviour) and they convinced me we could work things out. I feel like if I tell them outright that I've slept with another person, they're more likely to leave me and feel like they've made that decision. Funnily enough, we've always had complete transparency and honesty within the relationship and they're the most trustworthy person I've ever known (I was also insanely trustworthy before I made this stupid decision).

I suppose I want to be honest about what I've done, as it seems a bit like I'm excusing my behaviour by lying about it. Like some kind of punishment, perhaps?

OP, just hide it.

He'll never find out and your relationship will be better now that it's out of your system.

At this point after so many years he's probably cheated on you too unless he's a loser. Honestly it's not even a big deal.

It's not worth throwing away both of you guy's years of effort into the relationship and breaking the stability you've worked so hard for. You're still the same person and so is he, nothing has changed.

>>16973177
>there is almost no way
I know, I even said "however minute the odds." It's just indefensible to think that you get to play with those odds. Granted if it's impossible in that your affairs began less than nine months ago, that's a different matter. But if it's possible it's also pretty straightforward.

>they're more likely to leave me and feel like they've made that decision
That's a very self-interested preference. They don't need to feel like they "made a decision." You're just after that because of guilt. You even admit it:
>Like some kind of punishment, perhaps?

You're going to lose your fiance. That's your punishment. What you're suggesting is actually just extra punishment for your soon to be ex who wasn't the one that cheated.

Put your guilt complex on the backseat for a second. The only variables in this equation are whether you have the mental fortitude to end this relationship immediately and to hide the truth in perpetuity. If the answer to both is yes, your only obstacle is the STD question. If there's any doubt in your mind--i.e. you make up some excuse to not do it tonight, you already blabbed to friends, etc.--then you just come clean anyway.

I'm tempted to say just end it if you're going to end it either way, why hurt her more than you have to, it'll make the break up harder and she'll have a harder time dating again. Maybe I have an odd way of looking at things but your conscience isn't her problem.

>>16973177

Oh, well your relationship is completely fucked if you haven't slept together in 9 months and there's no good explanation for it.

I'd say end the relationship on the grounds that it's clearly not working, try to do things gently, and if they accept what you are saying just let it fade out. If they won't just tell them the truth. You got so lonely you fucked someone else.

You can't be communicating at all so it's not like you had a chance of resolving the rather gaping issue that you aren't intimate with your lover.

>>16973191

Point taken, thank you for your input.

>>16973187

This was an option...continuing like nothing had happened, keeping it to myself and getting married. However, it just isn't a healthy foundation to begin something like that on. I don't think I could take my vows in front of my nearest and dearest, knowing what I'd done. The fact we are no longer intimate is a huge problem, which has only become more of an issue now I've slept with another person. I can almost guarantee my partner has not slept with another person.

>>16973197

No explanation at all, I just don't feel a spark so sex has become uncomfortable. Neither of us instigate it and when we have, one of us usually loses it quite soon into it, so it's never good. They blame me, I blame them, it's a bit fucked really.

We actually talk quite regularly but I don't think we communicate well. I used to want to discuss problems but my partner tends to just ignore them, so it became a bit pointless having this hour long conversations that resulted in nothing.

Telling her you cheated will really solidify the end of your relationship. She'll never want to get back with you. BUT it will also make it difficult for her to trust men in future relationships.

>>16973213
Even if you hadn't cheated, it would have been utter insanity to get married with the relationship in this state. Come on now. There's something seriously wrong with your judgment to have even considered going ahead with the wedding, let alone to have had an affair.

If you were the last two humans on Earth with no chance to cheat but being the only hope of our species' survival...it's okay, we had a good run, still not worth the obvious disaster.

>>16973232

It was just pressure. They wanted it, I thought I did, suddenly we were engaged, the family found out, then it was booked. It's all still booked, due to happen shortly. It gets worse.

We discussed the option of it not happening but they were adamant they didn't want to cancel and I was too worried about disagreeing. I am a huge fuck up.

>>16973187
Slut detected.

>>16973288
Back out as soon as possible. I know a couple like this. He was cheating, she found out a few weeks before the wedding. She didn't want to cancel it because she'd lose out on all the deposits and disappoint a lot of people. They went through with the wedding. Then they had a kid. They're still miserable, he's still cheating yet she keeps on putting on a fake happy face and phony pictures of their 'happy family'. It makes me sick and saddens me.

>>16973187
Kill yourself

>>16973187
Loser for no cheat in 9 years? die soon fucker

I'm in a similar situation, except I am already married, and we have a child. I love my spouse, but i see them as more of a friend than sexual partner now. I wish we had never gotten married

My advice to you is just end it. its a lot harder to get out of a marriage than an engagement. & obviously the relationship isn't working

>>16973187
Single momma detected.