I don't know what to do, anons, and I'd appreciate it if somebody could tolerate my blogposting for a moment and give me advice.
>a few weeks ago, sent an email to my college's counseling services indicating that I think I have some kind of autism spectrum disorder and want to talk about it
>get reply, never schedule appointment because busy as fuck/stressed/lazy/bad at communicating in general/apprehensive about the whole thing to begin with
>wondering whether to schedule this appointment or not
I fucking know at this rate that I'm autistic, and now I'm just wondering whether getting diagnosed is even worth the trouble. And I don't mean that I took some cringey online test and e-diagnosed myself. I'm seriously the most textbook case of sperg I've ever encountered, and all signs point towards it. It'd be another blog post if I explained it.
I'd like to ask my dad about it, especially considering that a little background from somebody who was there when I was a kid would be helpful, but I get the impression that he's in perma-denial about me. Last break, my sister pointed out in a conversation about an autistic childhood friend of mine that I walk the same way as he does, and my dad just immediately jumped in and said that it was different with me and that I'm just "unique." His word, but it's the narrative that I've gotten my whole life. I've pretty much been told my whole life that I was some version of "different" or "unique" or "special" or "gifted" or whatever, and I'm way dissatisfied with that answer.
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>>16910587
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I feel like I've always been held to very high standards because some shrink must have told my dad I was some kind of genius, and I've never been able to live up to them because everybody else can clearly handle basic shit better than I can. I don't know if me wanting a diagnosis is just looking for an excuse, or if that's my dad talking. Seriously, I was repeatedly told growing up that I was too bright to have any excuse for anything except a forever flawless performance.
It dawned on me at some point that kids don't normally get handed a fuckton of scantrons by shrinks and treated like a prize specimen or some shit, but I totally was. Dad was all about nurturing his brilliant son for a while there, and beat the fuck out of me when I started having problems.
What's more, it's begun to dawn on me that a LOT of people in my life seem to act like they know. My sister clearly knows. My parents have to know. People I hardly know seem to know. Folks even had me sent to therapy for all my weird sensory-motor shit.
I feel like I've been treated like a fucking idiot my whole life. I feel like I'm the only asshole out of the loop on this and people have deliberately kept me from knowing. Not the first family secret I was the only one oblivious to, but seriously, it's ME.
I don't even know what I'm asking for. Help.
>>16910587
First of all, you are probably NOT autistic. You are too self-aware and too able to read other people's nonverbal signals and guess what they're thinking. And inability to do that is at the very center of autism.
That is not to say that you aren't socially awkward or have some other mental/social problems. You've fallen into the logical trap that says "If A can sometimes lead to B, then all Bs must be caused by A"
Do see a school counselor, but not to prove/disprove a single theory. Be more open to a range of possibilities: "Here is a list of some of my characteristics. What, if anything, might be wrong with me?"
>>16910982
>You are too self-aware and too able to read other people's nonverbal signals and guess what they're thinking
That's because of 22 years of hard work and a few years of acting lessons.
>That is not to say that you aren't socially awkward or have some other mental/social problems. You've fallen into the logical trap that says "If A can sometimes lead to B, then all Bs must be caused by A"
That's hardly the case. My thinking isn't half as linear as that. It's more the recognition of a pattern than anything.
It's not just that I'm socially awkward. I have issues with basic hygiene. It's tough for me to dress myself, I had the classic shit smears on the wall when I was a little kid, when I was WAY too old for that. Couldn't tie my shoes for the longest time. I pace constantly or just spin in circles when I'm thinking. My leg shakes constantly. I can't handle certain noises. Whistling hurts so badly and is so confusing that I want to scream and attack people, and I'll still fucking run if somebody starts whistling. I used to spend each car ride to school huddled into a ball with my ears plugged to not hear the radio, the gum chewing, or the singing, and in order to not see things moving in my peripheral vision. I still wear earplugs, ear protection for shooting guns (pic related 30 bucks at Home Depot), or headphones to drown out the noise, and I still block one eye with my bangs or my hands or a folder in class in order to avoid being overwhelmed visually. I even build folder forts to hunker down in. I can't stand light touch. Light stroking, tracing, brushing, tapping, etc. is agonizing to me, and often my own clothes will stop me in my tracks because I can feel them rubbing against my skin as I walk. I used to drive my folks nuts by cutting the seams out of all my socks,
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>>16911090
You're beginning to sound like you're bragging.
>>16911090
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I rant at people about my interests and can't tell when they're uninterested. My friends and I used to just spend recess taking turns ranting at one another about anime or vidya or whatever. I have that bouncy tiptoeing gait, and people point it out to me all the time.
More than anything, it's sensory. There's the issues with sound and touch I mentioned, and the fact that I was diagnosed with "sensory processing disorder" at some point, but the rest is just weird. I have shit vestibular and motor coordination.
I also have at least 4 kinds of synesthesia that I'm aware of. I literally see the words people speak, the calendar displays as a ribbon, sound is tactile and emotional, and letters are colored. Synesthesia's way more common in aspies, and I've got it out the ass.
I feel as though, because I function too well and can play the game and blend in, I'm pretty much not allowed to be autistic. Not unless I start picking my ass and screaming incoherently.
That's probably my main issue, honestly. I handle shit well enough that I'm not allowed to have difficulties where I have them.
Also, I needed a bib until I was like 5 and still make a mess of myself.
>Do see a school counselor, but not to prove/disprove a single theory. Be more open to a range of possibilities: "Here is a list of some of my characteristics. What, if anything, might be wrong with me?"
All right. I'll admit that I'm no doctor and that my own judgement holds no authority, and I'll admit that I need a professional diagnosis. But how should I actually approach this beyond, "Here's a list; what's up?"
>>16911131
Honestly not trying to brag. I told you it'd be a blog post if I explained my reasoning.
>>16911144
Austistic people have interest in something like animals or collecting stuff. Like my brother is and he lives for chess and watching documentaries on weird animals and stuffs and annoys us when he's impressed by something.
But firstly, austistic people don't ever behave like you saying I'm autistic. They don't know that before they are diagnosed.
>>16911167
>"You don't have autism! You can function/speak/express yourself/are capable of empathy!"
>"My son/brother/neighbor's kid/etc. has autism and he's not like you, so you don't have autism."
>"Too self-aware/functional/etc."
Jesus Christ.
Firstly, I didn't even know what "autism" meant until last year when somebody called me "autistic." I've done all my reading on the topic in the past year and was in no way aware of it prior to that. Second, I am definitely obsessive, and I do have collections I throw in people's faces. Coins, man.
Lastly, as long as were basing this on anecdotes pertaining to people we know, I've seen the screaming, incoherent, autistic manchild everybody says is real autism. He was my ex-girlfriend's brother, and he was as bad as that one video where the mom has to subdue her kid and pin him during a meltdown. Shitstains on the wall. Trigger words and sounds. Screaming. Self-injury. The works.
You know what was freaky? That dude was me without the ability to speak. Seriously, I completely understood his reactions to trigger sounds and words because it's how I used to and want to react to them. The shit he thought was cool was the exact shit I thought was cool. Pokemon, Spyro, etc. Almost perfect overlap in tastes. Freaked me the fuck out, and I pitied his inability to express what was wrong.
Seriously, should I just go and see a counselor so that I can make an appeal to authority and be taken seriously whenever I try talk about this with somebody?
I'm just gonna stop shitting up the front page if this is where the conversation is staying.
