Hey everyone,
I really need some /adv/ from you guys. So here is the deal:
I've been in a pretty perfect relationship throughout the last six years, with i girl i deeply love: we have common life goals, a common plan, we like the same stuff, we have both graduated from college and have a pretty nice job making and life is going well in all fields.
Except one.
We started in the end of 2009 (I was 18 and she was 19 y old) and in mid-2012 our sex life has started to struggle.
Firstly, she started to resist saying things I felt like excuses: my head/stomach/wtv hurts; we just ate so we can't have sex or I will feel sick; we need to sleep or otherwise we'll sleep only 5 hours; I'm tired; we're still living with our parents houses, so they might hear it and it turns me down; etc.
I tried to fix things. See if when we went a couple days off and slept at an hotel things worked out differently. At first, it did, now it's pretty much the same wherever the place, time or what i do (be romantic, prepare things, etc.)
Next, I started feeling bad about myself. Was it me? Did I perform poorly? Was about my appearance?
We were having sex on a week/every 2 week basis during 2013. But it was so difficult to have sex that everytime we had it, I felt like I need to push a f*cking moutain to score.
I insisted a lot about trying couples therapy. I felt that I was too young for that and she also tried to ignore she had a problem (although ex-bf broke up with her about the same issue).
Eventually she agreed on the therapy and we started last year (only about 6 or 7 sessions).
Point of situation?
If I don't make a move, 95% we don't have sex. I can say things are slightly better, at least she doesn't feel disgusted about sex anymore and she feels ok to masturbate me when she doesn't want to have vaginal sex (which we don't have for more than 3 months).
Any adv? Anyone experienced the same? Tysm in advance
>>16896084
its typical for sexual attraction to fade over time. its not that you have become ugly, shes just used to you. its the reason marriages become sexless. unfortunately men have the urge to fuck, but women dont. men kind of NEED it. their penis decides. women dont. they need to be seduced. sometimes a hot body is all they need. but if they've seen that hot body a thousand times, their libido stops responding to it.
its the reason you get a boner seeing a stranger in a bra, but need to work to get hard with your wife of 10 years. its unfortunately just nature.
the best way to combat it is to seduce her. the phrase 'no means 'try harder'' may seem offensive, but its true that women need to be turned on, whereas men inherently are.
the best way to do that is to find the little tricks that turn your wife on. visual? tactile? a little bit of both? generally speaking asking and talking about sex is a moodkiller. going straight for the kill can be too.
its way easier to seduce your wife by giving her a massage that starts off as physical, then slowly turns sexual. you'll have to put effort in from here on out unfortunately.
a little bit of wine (a little, like one glass) a nice massage while you watch TV, and slowly teasing your way to her vag is a good way to do it. make the rest of her body feel good (an experience she wont consider sexual until its too late) will make her vag open up.
sometimes the role is reversed. im a dude, but i dont get hard as easily seeing my wife. but she learned what turns me on and goes for it. when she wants to have sex she generally takes out a random book, gets on the bed, and lays down in such a way that her ass is slightly in the air. shes got an amazing butt, so seeing her with her butt slightly raised gets me going. i tend to go over just to smack and play with it, but end up getting roped in to fucking her.
I'm going to type you something longer OP, give me 10 min.
I'm also in a sexless relationship.
You need to ask yourself more serious questions.
-Do I want to marry her someday?
-Would we have kids?
She may be all that and a bag of chips, but not being interested in having sex is a big red flag. If you do marry, expect less sex. If you get her pregnant, expect less. And when she has the kid, expect none for long long periods of time. Basically your situation will get worse. I can guarantee that once you get married she won't be willing to go to therapy.
Are you prepared for that?
Thank you so much for your reply.
I must confess that I tried. I reckon that somehow during these years I could try more (more massages and being less obvious about wainting to get laid).
But still, tell me, everytime someone wants to have sex, must prepare the field like hours/days ahead?
I tried doing a massage, no good. Going to to a hotel somewhere nice, have a nice meal or a glass of wine (which is tough since she is-almost-crazily-against alcohol besides parties). We also went to concerts, movies on a weekly basis, surprise her with something (flowers, chocolates, etc..). Nothing seems to work.
We have discussed this openly. I told her about how I feel and how could I improve and try to make our sex life more pleasant to both of us.
Eventualy she told me this was an issue before with some ex-bf of her 3 months after they started dating. And I know she had a tough time with that guy, she didn't tell me much but somehow I feel he was too pushy - and this is another reason why I insisted we "both need therapy".
Well, she told she does not feel the need of sex. She doesn't feel anything, and she says she could have the rest of her life without any sex - and when she agrees to masturbate me/oral sex, she only does that to make me happy.
Well, I feel quite fucked up. I want to have sex because we both want, you know what I mean?
My friends tell me to end it. But it is so fucking hard because I really love her and EVERYTHING else is perfect. Damn
Thank you guys
I'm f/22 and my fiance is m/27.
He has performance anxiety.
I have vaginismus and a pee fetish.
We suck as a sexual couple, but we are really great otherwise.
We're getting married in May and I am really trying to push for something open, since we never have sex, and when we do it's bad. (Like, neither of us cum and we end up snuggling).
I really love him, but I don't love that part of the relationship.
To me it feels like he isn't attracted to me, he doesn't run his hands over my body like other guys have done, or check me out when I'm partially dressed. I told him this and he said it is simply untrue-he's attracted to me. Anyway, I have kinda an unfortunate predicament because the vaginismus makes it hard to have sex if the person isn't REALLY hard. There is chafing and if fucking hurts for days. So clearly I like to focus on foreplay to make sure that doesn't happen.
He never really gets completely hard, and he gives up easily. He refuses to take the Cialis the doctor perscribed him.
Frequently I'll be up at night masturbating while he's turned away from me pretending to sleep...
>>16896279
there are two key components to a relationship
>working together in life
>and actually enjoying the relationship
so far you are getting the first one possibly. she might be agood match, someone who you could marry and rely on. but whats the point in having that without sex? cuz its not like you can go get sex anywhere else. if your partner doesnt want sex and you do, thats going to cause major issues. you might try to be noble now and say you wont need it, but 5 months down the line you'll be back here again feeling crazy.
i do recommend ending it, cuz sex is an important part of an actual relationship. otherwise you are just friends.
>>16896279
So she told you she's asexual? Yeah that's not really something you can fix or change.
He may or may not have a testoserone issue, but either way, he lacks libido.
For me on the other hand, my sex drive is quite high and I'm pretty kinky, so I really desire sexual attention.
We are also doing therapy, my fiance temporarily quit to take on a part time job he doesn't need. I see the therapist alone too, I've been seeing her weekly for a year and a half. She said he was avoiding things by taking the job.
Anyway, it's a great relationship except the sex, so I do a lot of dirty talk online with some online friends, which my fiance knows about and is okay with.
>>16896274
Yes, I want to marry her.
Yes, I want to have kid with her.
But that's exactly what frightens me. I'm 25, she's 26, both living at our parents houses, unfortunately. I really fear that shit can get worse after we have kids or during stress of work or something else.
Am I too selfish? Am I too selfish for wanting to have sex and it often feels easy? Or will I have to book an hotel, do a massage, go to a SPA everytime we want to get laid?
Ty guys once again
>>16896139
Thank you so much for your reply.
I must confess that I tried. I reckon that somehow during these years I could try more (more massages and being less obvious about wainting to get laid).
But still, tell me, everytime someone wants to have sex, must prepare the field like hours/days ahead?
I tried doing a massage, no good. Going to to a hotel somewhere nice, have a nice meal or a glass of wine (which is tough since she is-almost-crazily-against alcohol besides parties). We also went to concerts, movies on a weekly basis, surprise her with something (flowers, chocolates, etc..). Nothing seems to work.
We have discussed this openly. I told her about how I feel and how could I improve and try to make our sex life more pleasant to both of us.
Eventualy she told me this was an issue before with some ex-bf of her 3 months after they started dating. And I know she had a tough time with that guy, she didn't tell me much but somehow I feel he was too pushy - and this is another reason why I insisted we "both need therapy".
Well, she told she does not feel the need of sex. She doesn't feel anything, and she says she could have the rest of her life without any sex - and when she agrees to masturbate me/oral sex, she only does that to make me happy.
Well, I feel quite fucked up. I want to have sex because we both want, you know what I mean?
My friends tell me to end it. But it is so fucking hard because I really love her and EVERYTHING else is perfect. Damn
Thank you guys
>>16896327
some people will call you selfish. but 99% of them will be women.
what does that tell ya?
women and men are different, and they have different needs. one gender wants the other to follow their own ideas of sex. women can go their entire life without an orgasm and not notice. guys cant. they will start shooting off in their sleep. its not crazy or selfish that you want to have regular sex with your partner.
the biggest issue here is that while women claim they shouldnt have to have sex with you, they will still demand that you be monogamous with them. sorry but if someones unwilling to fulfil this need you've made extremely clear, but unwilling to let you get it filled elsewhere, then they are actually being selfish.
>>16896285
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing.
Is it possible to be happy without a pleasant sex life?
I talked with my gf about the possibility of opening the relationship. It was promptly refused as she stated "i am not willing to share you with anybody."
So, for us, it's not an option. We 'need' to figure it out
>>16896337
for women its easier then men. but if you are this frustrated with very little sex, do you think you are going to be able to survive the rest of your life without having sex? cuz the longer this goes on the more infrequent it will be.
your girlfriend is being selfish. saying that she wont please you but you arent allowed to get it elsewhere.
the point of monogamy is that you get to have sex with only each other. shes not making you monogamous she is making you asexual. it sucks, but this wont last.
>>16896337
I'm not sure exactly if it's possible to be happy without sex if you are a sexual person.
Obviously my fiance isn't sexual, he ejaculates 1-2 times a month!
For me, I'm going to need someone telling me I'm pretty and hot and sexy and touching me accordingly.
It is for that reason that I recently cheated on him when he was away at that stupid second job.
I don't really feel guilty about it either, I've compartamentalized it into a separate need, separate from the relationship.
>>16896317
Well, what "saved us" was precisely that, online friends.
Between 2012-2013 and I had about 2-3 online friends, which I didn't meet in person, and we had once/twice some dirty conversations.
But believe me or not, this kept our relationship going, as I started feeling more "loved/desired" (I actually had a medicaly diagnosed depression, don't know if was only because of this or about some family issues that I experienced).
But she when she knew about one conversation I had with some girl, that was a big disappointment for her and she told me that if I continued it was a 'form of cheating' (which I understood, so I stopped).
>>16896356
why not leave him though? i get he works on all other levels, but why make your life this complex?
im not gung ho about no cheating. i think open relationships work about as well as closed relationships. which is to say, they're going to end either way, do what makes you happy.
but when it comes to cheating your scenario doesnt seem right. why cant you just be friends?
generally with cheating i only really condone it when you are locked in. like you got married, then she stopped putting out (or he) and you have kids so divorcing would be bad.
>>16896337
Is it possible? I don't know. My parents never have sex as far I know, at least not for a couple of years until 3 years ago, and I don't know whether that changed since I moved out.
So, possible? Maybe. I don't think so though. Maybe you can get happiness elsewhere? Possible. Wouldn't recommend that. It will lead to grief, grief to anger, anger to resentment and so on...
>>16896351
Precisely, I feel asexual.
Do you - or does anyone - have any experience with therapy? Anyone know if it works?
I feel like I have the 'moral obligation' to see how this therapy works, if it has any results for both of us (the therapist guaranteed that he will solve the problem...). I feel like if I end a six year relationship based on our sex life, I will be so publicly judged by everyone (family, her family, colleagues, etc.)
>>16896365
Mortgage on a house, 30 years
>>16896376
Experienced people won't judge you. Everyone I know knows that this is a deal breaker, at least pre marriage.
>>16896376
anyone who judges you for ending a relationship that has literally zero sex is dumb and not worth your time. yes i know, you like those people, but seriously, you cant stay with a girl and never have sex for the rest of your life just because 'oh i didnt want to be judged'.
think about it. this is just going to blow up later. there is no way that zero (or close to zero) sex is going to get any easier over time and just be somethign you internalize.
as for therapy. it might. the therapist guaranteeing it doenst sound good. know respectable doctor, therapist, psych or anything would guarantee anything. mental state is not something you can prescribe a pill for and have it clear up.
and even her guarantee might not be what you think. she may think you can find a middle ground but that doesnt fix the problem.
>>16896385
>at least pre marriage
so much this. you arent leaving your wife. yes you've been together a long time but you have an obligation to live your life.
on top of that you can fake othe reasons if need be. the most typical and REAL response is
>things arent the way they used to be. i loved her, but it was time to move on in life.
its normal to break up, even after years.
>>16896398
Precisely.
The therapist told that it was not her problem, but something that was going on between both of us - so we need to try to find some common ground (not everyday or every week, something in between?). And he insisted a lot in the idea that sex is not only penetration, that masturbation he also sex and so on - but after that, she started questioning me: so, if you love blowjobs, if I did that for the rest of our life, would you still miss vaginal sex?
I said that i could not guarantee that I did not want vaginal sex for the rest of my life, of course - KABOOM, she didn't understand why if i liked oral sex
>>16896365
The other issue is Judaism...
We both want to marry Jewish and raise our kids Jewish.
It's a dying trend.
I don't think I have any chance of finding a better Jewish guy than my fiance, he's really great. And even if someone was better at sex, they wouldn't be better at everything else.
Hence why I'm trying to make it an open relationship. I've suggested it several times, including at the therapists office, and he always rejects it by saying it's me giving up.
>>16896411
it sounds fucked mate. she doesnt want to have sex. she just doesnt. she could go out of her way to make a deal to pleasure you twice a week, but its hollow.
im not a believer in life long love, and especially not life long attraction. it sounds to me like your relationship has reached its endgame.
>>16896431
But are not all relationships going to suffer from the same issue, loss of sexual attraction?
That being sad, shouldn't I try therapy and continue with her, since I feel she's perfect in EVERY other matter?
Sorry for being so repetitive. And thank you all for your precious help
>>16896327
No youre not selfish for wanting more. You both simply have different wants and needs. Just be aware that when you do marry and have a kid with her then her willingness to compromise will falter. You'll love your kid, but you'll grow to resent your gf.
You already know how she is and how uninterested she is about sex. Do you really want to play games and spend loads of money for spas just to get laid when she supposedly loves you? She wont change. She's doing the minimum right now just to keep you. She's plain lazy. Once she pumps out a kid expect to go without sex for at least 3 months. Do you really think she'll even want to pleasure you during that time? Nope.
You think you have to deal with all these excuses now, but none in the future?
"No, I'm tired bc of kid"
"No, kid is awake"
"No, the spa got me too tired, I want to sleep"
>>16896447
I know.
What bugs me is that she says that this sex issue has started in the past, eventualy leading to the end of her previous relationship.
She cries a lot talking about this matter. I can really feel that she means it and that it really upsets her. She is always saying that she "can't believe that we may end because of her incapacity for sex" and that "kills her, considering that we have a 'almost perfect' relationship".
>>16896285
He's GAY!
>>16896472
I point-blank asked him and he said no
>>16896084
Kek move out of your parents you worthless fuck she doesnt value you as a person and no girl will until you move out.
>>16896442
I've been in a relationship for 7 yrs, married for 3, and have been pregnant for 6 months. I still want sex at least once a day. I'd easily agree to 3 a day if my husband was up for it. The only times I didn't want to was when I was in actual pain. If I felt cramps, a headache, or just stressed I'd want sex because it's known that orgasms help with both. I've been this way the whole time I've been with my husband.
Your gf straight up told you that she's not interested in sex. You clearly are. You can't change how she is and she shouldnt change you (even though you seem to be willing to put up with what she wants).
You're clearly unhappy enough to visit a therapist. Sorry to say, but to me it looks like you're wasting your time with this person.
Couples who visit a therapist are more likely to stay together than couples who don't visit one
>>16896478
Well that settles that. Close the books on this one. >>16896442
I've been married 13 years. Got two kids. We still get down at LEAST twice a week. We're both still attracted. Y'all ITT are some FUCKED up people.
You're making me sad.
>>16896501
*Couples that are willing to change* are more likely to stay together.
Whose to say she'll continue to work on those shoddy handjobs when he marries her?
>>16896084
OP, bro, this is like most of the stories in deadbedroom.
95% of the time its the guys masculinity.
She doesnt want to fuck you because she isnt feeling you in a masculine way, you arent doing it for her in terms of your attitude. Doing a tonne of nice things for her only serves to prove further to her that you really need her and that you are her bitch.
She wont tell you that you need to man up, stand your ground, be willing to walk away, get eyed off by other girls etc because if she tells you to be more alpha and you do it then you are just doing what she says, which means you arent alpha you are just her bitch more.
Go lift, join a team sport, go do guy things without her, be ambitious, be a fucking man, and she will come around.
See how everything you did that made it worse was really you just being her little bitch?
Why the hell would a woman be attracted to a guy who acts like her bitch? Women are attracted to men, not bitches.
>>16896442
I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. I love him insanely. We have sex pretty much every other day. I initiate probably 70% of the time.
>>16896501
Correlation=/= causation.
>>16896527
I don't think guys who are gay usually get off to lesbian porn, he has to at least be somewhat attracted to women.
>>16896285
I have vaginismus too. It sucks so much... but I recently bought a set of dilators and its helping with the pain a bit. Have you tried that?
>>16896557
>I initiate 70% of the time
DaMN. What is he gay?
>>16896731
Absolutely have tried the dialators, I can't get past the x-small one unless I'm horny.
Even so, vaginismus is about pelvic floor muscles.
I still remember the day I got the exam, when she was literally poking me a q-tip and I thought I was going to pass out from the pain.
>>16896745
Haha I just have a higher sex drive than him. I'd fuck every day, while he'd be fine with way less than that.
So, yeah, when I am horny I just go there and tease him.
