I dont really know where else to turn with this, so I thought

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Anonymous
2016-07-17 15:48:27 Post No. 17365897
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Anonymous 2016-07-17 15:48:27 Post No. 17365897 [Report]

I dont really know where else to turn with this, so I thought I would just put it out there.

I have had the worst last 8 months of my life. My best friend of 12 years died in a car crash, my wife left me after almost a whole year of a loveless farce and my band who i spent most of my time working on broke up. It was the lowest point of my life, and i did attempt suicide but was unsuccessful. I wanted nothing more than to die; every night as i went to sleep i would dream of killing myself. Then, things started improving in life. I discovered new friends, took mdma and lsd for the first time and had amazing experiences, my writers block disappeared, i started a new band with some amazing people, but best of all im now in a relationship with my best friend; a girl I've known for so long who even helped me through my marriage breakdown. She meant the world to me as a friend and meana even more to me now.

Life seems to be getting better, but my suicidal urges haven't gone away. At night when i sleep alone i still think of ways to do it, and i have found myself hating myself saying that its all temporary and that everyone will leave again. I thought that when things started getting better the thoughts subside but its still there. Its got me thinking: what is the point of being happy when you still want to die? Nothing will change it. What is wrong with me?

I have suicidal thoughts when im sad and i have them when im happy. What is the point?

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Anonymous 2016-07-17 15:53:10 Post No.17365905
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Anonymous 2016-07-17 15:53:10 Post No.17365905 [Report]

Are you doing MDMA regularly? Serotonin loss no joke, I've never been suicidal (besides the "oh, I just wish I'd never wake up" feeling that I'm sure everyone has), but the days following heavy ecstasy use I'd start contemplating ways to kill myself.

If not that, then maybe you're not as happy as you think you are? Maybe you think you're happy because these "good" things have been happening to you, and because your life seems like it's on an upward slope. But there's still probably something missing... do you actually care for your best friend beyond friendship?

I don't know. I guess what I'm saying is that maybe you're not truly happy, maybe you just feel the need to THINK you're happy because good things have been happening.

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Anonymous 2016-07-17 15:56:31 Post No.17365912
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Anonymous 2016-07-17 15:56:31 Post No.17365912 [Report]

>>17365897
>suicidal urges haven't gone away

They don't go away. Or at least they haven't for years for me. And it's fine. I have develped a part of my personality to dismiss them instantly, because I believe that suicide is 100% against my beliefs.

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Anonymous 2016-07-17 16:00:56 Post No.17365923
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Anonymous 2016-07-17 16:00:56 Post No.17365923 [Report]

>>17365905
Semi-regularly. Like once a fortnight but ill do 2-3 during the night. LSD once a month if that. I know its dangerous but fuck it i lost out on being 18 and 19 because i decided to get married young. Fucking dumb idea.

To be perfectly honest I've cared for her more than just a friend for longer than I can think. Even my ex-wife told me that she thought we would be good for each other. I think im starting to feel love again, but its only recent so time will tell.

You make sense though anon. I just equate good things with happiness. If something is missing i wish i knew what it was.