Hi /adv/.
I've been in a relationship for almost 2 years now. I came in with baggage and emotional damage and anxiety and depression. I was honest about that and was accepted. I've been working on myself, going to therapy, learning about emotional responsibility, non-defensive communication, validating others' emotions, basically, how to be an adult and a healthy person. I've made a lot of progress and I'm happy with who I am and the path I'm on.
Now, my boyfriend and I have been having arguments and I have a new sense of awareness that he blames me a lot for his actions. He doesn't take a lot of personal responsibility and often turns things around on me. He invalidates my thoughts and feelings, and talks very callously to me when he's emotional. He says he doesn't "get emotional" in arguments. He says he doesn't "get angry" but I see actions and hear words that indicate he absolutely does.
I'm spending time by myself away from him to get myself composed after a could shouldering, blaming incident that hallened yesterday and I'm kind of stuck.
Yes, I love him. Yes, I've changed and grown. A lot of it was more or less because of him. He talked and talked for months about how my emotions and actions are my responsibility. My mental health is mine to manage. On and on. He encouraged me to get therapy when I said I was tired of being so reactive and anxious.
Now I'm kind of noticing he doesn't practice what he preaches and is in fact, kind of toxic sometimes.
I would like to set some boundaries, and point out his inconsistencies but I'm concerned he won't hear me. Is there any way I can talk to him and not shut him down?
Tl;dr I'm learning to manage my emotions better and it's becoming apparent that my boyfriend does not manage his emotions in a healthy way. How do gently bring this up to him?
It doesn't sound like he wants to listen.
He's probably frustrated and pent-up from having to baby you into semi-functional normality. I've seen this play out a thousand times, normal person takes on the responsibility of helping fucked up person. Finally, fucked up person becomes functional but never stops to help normal person deal with all the stress,pain, frustrations they've had to shoulder.
Maybe his inability to listen, as you say, has more to do with your inability to destress him.
Get him to go to therapy with you. Then you can have a mediator telling him all of this, and helping you through it. Instead of just you telling him, and you getting his emotional response.
>>17297168
>How do gently bring this up to him?
Send him a snap of you sucking Chad's cock
Seriously speaking, "We need to talk" is a line that never fails to get your partner's attention.
>>17297183
That sounds absolutely possible. Thanks for your insight. I am trying to be more supportive, too and I'm probably not very good at it yet. Do you have any suggestions on how I can assist with destressing him?
>>17297184
That's a good idea. He went with me to therapy before but I wasn't really in a place to know what to expect or how to ask for it. Now I kind of have a better idea. I hope he's still open to it. I'll bring it up to him and then make an appointment for both of us if he's up for it.
>>17297196
>chads cock
Lol
"We need to talk" puts him right on the defensive. Like he already knows I'm going to bring something up that he doesn't want to hear and he's got "too much on his plate" and I can't have a conversation with him when he's defensive.
>>17297200
Cook a nice dinner for him, do something really hot in bed, try to be totally selfless. Don't be extremely needy and think every attempt he makes at spending some time away is an attempt to get away from you. Tell him you love him and want this to work more than anything. Don't try to win points by having him admit the things he does wrong as well. Most people who go out of there way for a partner, just wan to be appreciated.
If you can find a way to remind him, that you're more than thankful for everything he's done in an honest and selfless way that's a big first step in the right direction.
>>17297222
Damn. See I already
>cook almost all our meals
>bring him food when he's working
>basically take care of as much of the house work as possible
>rub his back
>run errands for him (sort of new, still working on it)
>get him things I know he needs and is putting off (could do better)
>arrange time for date nights
>dress all sexy and do that thing he likes
>tell him how much I appreciate him
>tell him he's a beast at work
>tell him "thank you" for every little thing he does for me
>let him have his alone time when I know he needs it, not bother him during (this has taken work but I get it now)
>if we haven't had sex in a while I let him know I miss him like that and am looking forward to next time
I don't want to make him admit he's wrong but I do want him to stop getting angry and shutting me down when I'm trying to talk about real life shit. And I really don't appreciate being put down and belittled either.
I do want this to work more than anything and I can definitely tell him that. I've told him that before and we've worked through some things, so it's not hopeless or anything.
>>17297243
Sounds like you're doing things right
I can't suggest anything more than giving him some time, you probably took your time as well, right?
Now, after some weeks if you still wanna try that trick with your lips on Chad's cock, we can talk :^)
>>17297284
Haha
Yeah I definitely took my time. But he did me the courtesy of telling me how I was screwing up and how it was impacting our relationship. I'm still afraid to tell him when he hurts me because I feel like he is somehow bigger than me in this. Or even if my feelings are valid he will shut me down and tell me how fucked up I was and I don't have any right to question him.
Bump for any additional suggestions
>>17297168
People can change.
It's extremely difficult for some. But they can. I've seen it and experienced first hand. It sounds like you have. You listened, accepted your flaws and began to change them, and changed some irrational beliefs.
He can choose to do the same thing for the sake of your relationship and his mental health. You need to talk about this and how these things upset you and are unhealthy. He can decide to work to change these patterns and grow into a better person. Or not. If he chooses not to I would leave him
>>17297560
Thank you. Yeah if this continues to escalate I will have no choice but to leave. I've been in abusive relationships (hence damage) and I know there is no fixing someone.
