Many people have a certain image of their ideal partner in the head.
Experienced anons, does/did your loved one tick most items on the "want" list or is love completely unrelated to ideal?
I've liked one guy at school, because his interests and vibe were similar to my dad's. And mine as well, because i was always good friends with my dad.
I get crushes on the same type of guys, plan to hang out where they are abundant (tabletop game clubs) am i doing it wrong? Should i be more open to new experiences?
>never been in relationship
>>17287420
>Is seeking certain traits in a partner reasonable?
Yes, as long as the traits you're looking for are reasonable themselves.
>Experienced anons, does/did your loved one tick most items on the "want" list?
I don't really have a "want list". We had common grounds and we had our differences. I'm in an ongoing relationship right now, we've just celebrated our first anniversary a couple of weeks ago. Still love her like the first days.
>>17287420
People get obsessive. Exhaustive lists or extraordinary expectations often ruin a relationship.
I've noticed these list change with experience. What starts of as
"blonde hair", "blue eyes", "tall", "Brad Pitt"...
Dwindles down to
"Fun loving", "social", "romantic"
And those definitions change over time within the relationship, but they end up revolving around who your loved one is.
You just need to get out, the guy of your dreams may be a spitting image of your dad, or he may be the opposite. You won't know until you just get out and meet people
>>17287448
>>17287493
Thanks, I guess i need to talk to guys more.
Are
>a guy who could've posted to /vr/
>skeptical
>honest
>obessed with something in a good way
reasonable enough qualities?
>>17287657
The last three, yes.
The first one - it depends. At first I also thought that a loved one ought to be sharing my interests - at least the ones I was most passionate about - but in the end it wasn't like this and I'm not unhappy in the slightest. So if a guy that's into retro games comes along, good! If he meets all the requirements except that one, I'd say to still give him a shot.
>>17287711
Thanks, anon!
>>17287420
It can be reasonable, but it depebds on the exact bumber and combinatiin of traits.
It also depends on something else: acceptabce of the fact that this is going to restrict your dating pool. Exactly how much it does this depends, once agaon, on the combination of traits. But no one gets away completely unscathed, and if you aren't prepared for that, then perhaps it is time to rethink some things.
>>17287420
My honest advice is to "choose the one who chooses you".
To elaborate: if you've known a guy for a while and he seems to be into you and care about you a lot, give him a chance at least.
>>17287420
There is nothing wrong with having a "type" as long as you don't totally close yourself off to anyone else.
Most people have a physical "type" but I can say that less than a third of the girls and women I've dated came even close to my type, because I met the others as friends, got to know the person inside and was attracted to them even though they didn't have the "right" hair color or figure.
>>17288547
That's the worst advice ever.
Being in a relationship where one of the sides isn't totally into it is a nightmare for everyone involved.
>>17287420
It's not unreasonable. Just, when you're making your 'list', distinguish what you need from what you want.
For example I want a guy who is tall, slim, with green eyes, dark hair. beard and pale skin. I don't need it, tho, and while it'd be great to date someone like that it's not a huge deal if I date someone who looks differently.
I also want a guy who is a good conversationalist, charismatic and intelligent. This is something I need, and I wouldn't date someone who I find even remotely boring to talk to or stupid.
You shouldn't settle for less than what you need, but you can definitely compromise on what you "want". Start a relationship when you want to be with someone because he is special, not just because they're available.
male here, so this might be different to girls experience:
I always had these demands:
> reasonably attractive
> reasonably smart
> reasonably kindhearted
> wants kids and a family in the future
> blue or green eyes, because I find brown to be a turn off when I stare into them
and after my first GF to that I added: Has to get along with the fact, that I might have aspergers and possibly similar to me.
basically every girl that didnt fit my description was only a friend or a ONS and those who fit it and liked me aswell.
So far I am doing well with that but im also pretty high up on the ladder and can aim high.
If I was a girl, I would go for the outlook and common goals. But as there seem to be more high quality women compared to men, you also have a lot of competition, so you will need to be either better, quicker or better at decision making than your competition, if you want a piece of the pie.
What I take from dating, is that the best gold nuggets can be found, where nobody is looking for it. My new GF is painfully introverted at the beginning, but it reminds me how I was and she is a real gem and has it all.
>>17287420
I suppose everyone is different and has their own take on a suitable match.
Whether you think you're too picky or not is your opinion, and someone else's opinion shouldn't really matter. It's not them who is going to be in the relationship on your behalf.
Having said that, it's good to keep your options open somewhat, as people will surprise you.
Eg. I'm not religious at all, not atheist either. Just into alternate theories. Was married to a Muslim woman for over a decade and we never once argued about religion.
>>17288583
I didn't say stay with somebody you don't like, I said be open to being with someone who sees value in you vs pining after people who you're attracted to but also don't give a fuck about you.
>>17288637
>I didn't say stay with somebody you don't like, I said be open to being with someone who sees value in you vs pining after people who you're attracted to but also don't give a fuck about you.
You sound like a beta orbiter who begs to be fucked.
What's the point in considering to date someone you're not attracted to or you don't give a fuck about?
It's going to last till someone I really like comes around, then I'd dump the guy who likes me and break his heart. All feelings in a relationship should be mutual.
I'd rather have a crush for a guy I'll never had than settle for a guy I have no interest in.
>>17288547
>>17288583
Second that anon, it's too desperate and must feel either bland or hell.
>>17288607
Oh, so keeping tight standards on personality isn't wrong.
Guess 100% need honest and moral guy, maybe not spiteful. There is lot of stuff i want, but it's mostly personality and interests.
Looks kinda matter, can't we get fit together though? Hair color and eye color preferences sound alien to me desu. Maybe won't want a guy shorter or weaker than me, but i'm 5'0 and extremely unfit (diet properly tho), don't see those.
>>17288612
Haha, that's my strategy too, i am very introverted and want to find an unsocial guy. I lack chutzpah, can't flirt, look cold, different race from peers, no hope otherwise. Almost all good men marry early to fast women, and it's a bit intimidating.
When i do makeup and dress up thing, i guess, guys smile a bit more, bad at picking clues. Maybe i look okay and shouldn't set the bar too low.
I hope all nice nerds aren't taken by quick experienced chicks, the perspective legit depresses me. My parents aren't pleased with that i never dated at school and prepare for the worst.
>>17288650
>different race from my peers
That's a plus though.
Are jewish? If so i guess you may be fucked because, apparently, you care about race and your parents; those things drag you down so much in many aspects.
>>17288650
>Oh, so keeping tight standards on personality isn't wrong.
No, it isn't, as long as it's something not overly specific or unrealistic.
> There is lot of stuff i want, but it's mostly personality and interests.
Write down your list and spend some time thinking about each entry, see if it's something you can compromise on or not.
>Looks kinda matter,
My boyfriend is far from my ideal physically, but he's all I've always wanted emotionally and intellectually, so it doesn't really matter. Also "mental" attraction, teasing, tension in my opinion works much better than "you're hot, I'd do you". For women, at least.
Seeking certain traits is reasonable as long as what you want itself is reasonable.
Do not expect someone who looks way better than you, and is way above you in the social and economical hierarchy.
Different people have different musts. Identify what these are for you and take it from there. The key is limiting these musts so they don't become a hindrance. Don't conform to some stupid checklist where if one trait is lacking you don't want him. Often people find that they really love some traits they didn't think they would after a while.
Of course, there has to be some common ground to build the foundation. But you may also find that having a few vastly different interests strengthens a relationship. Of course, the opposite might also happen, but I've found being too similar isn't good because you lose something if the relationship is practically the only thing that defines you as a person. Having "your own time" is pretty great and, quite frankly, needed, if you are to build a strong and lasting relationship.
I won the fucking lottery with my girlfriend of five years. I came to love some her traits that I didn't know that I wanted or needed, and she came to love me for some thing she about me that made her nervous in the beginning. ยจ
>>17288646
I said "give them a chance". I didn't say, "stay with them if you get to know them and still aren't interested".
If you are even open to somebody you wouldn't normally be, just for a day, you might be pleasantly surprised. Maybe.
>>17288660
No, i mean it's very noticeable, i am asian and 90% of people are white.
My parents and i don't care, interracial marriages are common where i live, but being asian probably can be a dealbreaker for some guys. No western mentality in this country. See, one anon already mentioned he dislikes brown eyes.
Again, all asian girls i know managed to get white boyfriends, because they always reach out first, very normie and social. For some reason acknowledging and respecting my interests is a requirement too.
>>17288664
Yeah, i agree, if click with a guy, i would easily disregard looks.
>>17288666
Anon, thank you, i needed a prove that surprising things do happen.
Why the remark about hierarchy though, it can be hard to connect between classes, but mostly to different upbringing.
I know some irl counter examples.
Having one common ground and differing interests is good as long as the other party isn't calling yours stupid or pretend they don't exist.
>>17288686
>Having one common ground and differing interests is good as long as the other party isn't calling yours stupid or pretend they don't exist.
>For some reason acknowledging and respecting my interests is a requirement too.
I think if I were to find my ideal partner she would have green or blue eyes with preferably blonde hair. She'd have to be in sports, probably in soccer. Nicely slim, moderately tall. But there is no guessing who I'll get along with in the future.
>>17288686
Being asian is not a bad thing, maybe it's not what some people want but people are different, you can't expect everybody to like the same thing.
One anon dislikes brown eyes, i don't care about blue eyes but in a neutral way, someone cares only about purple eyes; people are different.
You care about thing in yourself that don't matter. There are many things anyone can dislike in theirselves, you chose the ones that make no difference.
>>17288705
How are purple eyes a thing?
>>17288705
I don't know, maybe i'm perceived as more ugly and should lower my expectations?
Strangers mostly stare at me surprised. Can't tell if i look good or not.
It doesn't matter much, i know, just like a facial deformity that can be seen as cute or horrendous. Matter of taste.
>>17287420
You're doing it right.
Relationships work best when you date people who are similar to you in significant ways.
>>17288713
Look at Elizabeyh Taylor; it's the rarest eye color.
>>17288721
I don't know your self-steem is low so you are seeing things with bad eyes mostly.
Maybe you should open your eyes
Ha ha ha... get it? Ha ha...
>>17288794
Let me explain it better.
You see things with darker lenses so when something is ambiguous you assume the worst. Since i don't know much about you i can't say if you have to lower your standards or not.
>>17288814
>lower your standards
I don't think this applies as often as people think it does.
But I guess it just matters is what you bring to the table, and what you expect other people to bring to the table. The only way I see one's standards being too high is if they only bring something to the table, but then they expect their partner to bring *everything* to the table.
>>17287420
Every time I have dated a guy who didn't check off most of my "list" it has ended badly. Because I wanted to give it a try for some reason, because they were attractive, I liked their personality, I wanted to try something new.
I always ended up spiraling so far away from myself in the process.
When I am with someone unlike me, I find it hard to stay true to myself. I involuntarily mimic them out of attraction/flattery. And when our relationship didn't work out, I had to do hard soul searching to remember who I am again.
I've been in a relationship for 6 years with someone similar to me, but different in the right ways. We have similar morals, but obviously aren't the same person. Look for that.
