So I have always dreamed of being a stand up, people always tell me i should do it and that im the funniest person they know
Now this was typed total stream of consciousness while high and i type like how i would say it so some of the grammar is fucked up
So i went out with a girl, she was a vegetarian, but she still ate eggs, you know...because she was pro choice
who;s having beer tonight...I love beer I drink Bush ice now heres why Busch ice has has a almost twice the alcahol content as bud light, now usually when people drink that beer its because their an alcholaic, im not an alcholic im just a smart consumer, you need to drink less to get fucked up, your saving money its smart
This is fucked up, but i think if i ever had enough money to do whatever i wanted, I would like to buy one of hitlers paintings. Bring my buddies by and show it off, yeah check it out it's an original hitler
So if anyone here watches fox, or cnn, or msnbc, or cnbc, or fucking c-span even, can we admit what is going on is crazy. Trump is a madman. A literally crazy person may become president of the united states. Paul ryan, our speaker of the house, if you remember civics class, that's an important guy, he has given trump his full support. He's like it's time to unite and destroy hillary clinton once and for all, and in the most epic way imaginable, Because its gonna happpen, Hey I'm not fucking voting for him, but im just telling you, he's gonna win. And with the speaker of the house behind him he's gonna be able to do some fucked up shit, and the REALLY fucked up thing is that some of it might work out really well for us. It's like "ohhh he could do this" and im like hey at least I'll still have cable.
HBO is so fucking good isnt it, Game of thrones is so good, dont worry im not gonna talk about it, dont you worry,i fucking pirate everything now though I used to be able to syphon HBO from my parents account, then my little sister came in and said shes gonna clean up some of the fat from our budget and fucking canceled hbo because "They dont use it" I traded my HBOGO Password for the family's netfilx account, that thing had value.
2:30
So I was taking some classes at the UNCC and i was running late for class and it was the first day of classes. Now I wasan't sure wich room my class was in but i knew what building it was. And this building had tons of classrooms filled with computers. So I just said fuck it ill just jump in one of these classes and use the computer to look up what class im supposed to be in and then I'll just leave. Simple right. Thats a simple plan. I didnt want any trouble, i just wanted to find out what class im supposed to be in. So Im at the computer looking up my class and people started walking in, i didn't look up i just kept looking at the computer. By the way it's nice that i get to go to a college that has this avalible but the computers do take forever to load And then i hear the teacher ask me what im doing in this room...i didnt even look up at him I just fucking waved him off like no its okay, im fine, its whatever, he asked me again, and this time i had the decency to look up at him, he said, your not supposed to be here. Im like, oh i ahh, signed up for the class late, i am supposed to be, im a student, I just figured im gonna walk out in 2 seconds anyway what does he care. He said this isnt a class. And I was like, What Apparently, this was some kind of inner city teach urban kids how to use excel so i look around and i see 28 african american children and it was an at capacity class, so 27 were sitting at computers and this teenage black girl is just looking at me, like, you stupid white boy I was RIGHT AT the page where i could see my classroom number so i just had to camly explain to him, i didnt know i thought this would be a normla class and i could just sneak out im sorry, can I please look my schedle to see what room im really supposed to be in. This guy fucking hated me so i looked at the room number got up left, said im sorry one more time,
Now I'll admit I dont come out of this story looking good I was a Dick, a White dick, who kept a little black girl off the computer, but i didn't know inner city school program in this room, I am not the white devil.
You see, the problem with telling jokes like these on the internet is that half of standup comedy is the delivery. You can have a really funny jopke and tell it badly, or a really dumb joke told in a way that's creative and entertaining.
Instead of posting on message boards, try looking for amateur hour standup nights at local bars. There was also some standup comedy game for XBox 360, an indie thing I unfortunately can't remember the name of. You need to practice your delivery as well as the content itself.
Don't quit your day job
