>>17278090
Have him get you off first, by eating you out or whatever it is you like. Then, after you've been satisfied, let him have his 30 seconds.

Tell him what you told us. Discuss the problem until he acknowledges that your needs are not fulfilled and that it should be fixed. You can't suddenly say "I decided for the both of us that you should do more efforts". This is a couple problem. It requires a couple discussion and a couple solution. Discuss the issue together. Do it.

Have him wear a cock ring I think those help

>>17278109
Nothing wrong with communication obviously, but if OP is not satisfied with their sex life then that is a couple issue by definition, she doesn't need his vote for that.

There's desensitizing lotion, no idea how well that works in practice. If you don't wear condoms, you could suggest trying those. If he is not keen on any option that takes away from his sensitivity, discuss if there's options you haven't explored that will enable him to go for round two, like kegels or practicing with edging during masturbation.

It also sounds like he makes every decision and that is not fair. You get a say in the sex life you want. It's not his position to say no to what you want every single time. If you cannot talk about this like adults, or he agrees when you talk then doesn't change anything at all (quite common), time for another approach. When you're having sex, tell him to flip you over or get down so you can get on top of him, whatever. If he refuses, that's it. Sex is over. Push him off and go do something else.

>>17278095

+1 to this. Used to go down on my girlfriend, get her off; then fuck for 3-4 minutes for me.

>>17278095
>>17278124
This is a fine solution but I don't think at least sometimes wanting more than half a minute of penetration is unreasonable, either. Besides, not all women like oral equally just like not all of them care for penetration.

>>17278109
We have discussed this; it just seems to go round in circles. He says that he'll try certain things, but then in the heat of the moment that doesn't happen.

That's fine and it's something we can continue to discuss and work on, but quite truthfully I can only control what I do. I want to extend things from my end, that isn't dependent on his self-control or on what he's feeling in the moment.

>>17278142
>but then in the heat of the moment that doesn't happen.
I recommend that you immediately pause the sexual activity and remind him to try the different approach that you previously discussed.

>>17278095
Honestly, I feel like sex needs to be more than just an orgasm exchange or bartering system. I don't want just one orgasm for me in exchange for an orgasm for him. I would like more penetration, or for foreplay to be proper foreplay instead of just him finishing in a different way. I can't seem to get him to change this through conversation, because the solutions I offer are not things he considers solutions. I can only change things personally in the way that I do things, and would like advice on that.

Incidentally I actually really don't love oral, except in a 69, which has anticipated results.

>>17278174
>I can't seem to get him to change this through conversation
Keep talking.

Keep talking.

Keep talking.

Do not give up.

As long as the problem persist, keep talking about it. Over and over and over. Never stop trying. If you cease to talk then you start to wish for mind control powers. We cannot give you advice on how to gain mind control powers.

>>17278119
Thank you very much for this. That last paragraph is really kind of what I feel like happens; we talk like adults and it feels fine and then when we're having sex it doesn't work that way. I'm also pretty accommodating and he has strong feelings about the type of sex we have.

It sounds a bit bad but sometimes if I ask to stop and change positions he basically just ignores me. I feel nervous at the idea of trying to end sex and go do something else. I'm not sure how well that would work in practice.

>>17278196
I'm sorry to say the following OP because obviously this is hard and someone you love, and I am willing to believe that he is quite accomodating and sweet in other areas of life, but sex is not just about intimacy but also about need and power and there's hormones at play.

Sometimes you have to assert yourself a certain way before people adjust and start to treat you the way that you want to. My mother has been married to my dad for twenty seven years, he is a precious but horribly difficult person, and it took her more than a quarter of a decade to realize that it was not enough to verbally try to persuade him or to explain herself to him. As you said you can only directly change your own behavior and if talking is not enough you have to show with your actions that you're fed up with it.
I am completely serious with the advice. Don't act angry about it, if he goes batshit, be as calm as you can and go "I am not interested anymore in having sex I don't really like, we have talked about this numerous times and I gave you a clear request that you ignored, so I got turned off". That's it.

I realize that it's scary but look at what he's doing blatantly ignoring you. He does not care about upsetting you. If you continue to be this scared about upsetting him, you are not at a level playing field and he will always push you around to get his way. Be firm. Stand your ground.

If you can't find it within yourself to do this based on your sexual needs, then do it for your marriage. I reckon that you're not married for that long, but this WILL brew resentment over time. No one is capable of having sex for decades with someone this self-involved sexually without starting to resent them for it. Put your foot down. Respect your needs. You can do it.

>>17278222
>quarter of a decade
Hurr, century of course.

Also, another thing to add, it is normal for him to flip his shit over sex ending out of nowhere. If he's a good man, he'll have his fit and eventually calm down and you can talk again but now with the certainty that something is going to change. This could absolutely serve as a wake up call.

If he gets violent, gets really verbally aggressive (threatening, calling you terrible names, trying to hurt you every possible way hitting your insecurities), tries to force himself on you anyway or physically hurts you then that is your cue that his lack of care for you extends beyond the bedroom and it's time to pack your bags.

>>17278232
And another thing I forgot to include, you know the saying "actions speak louder than words"? By continuing this cycle you verbally tell him "I am not getting my needs met and I want to change that", but your actions tell him "it doesn't matter whether you think of me or not". You even came into this thread prepared to make the issue that ultimately boils down to him being a selfish lover into your problem to solve!

>>17278196
>I feel nervous at the idea of trying to end sex and go do something else.
You don't need to end sex. You need to pause sex. You pause sex and you remind him to change position, or you reminded him what you previously discussed about your sexual needs. You should be able to do this. Can you foresee any reason why you would be unable to pause sex? Do you feel anxiety, do you fear violence?

You are clearly unable to communicate during sex and you are clearly desperate to make it his fault.

>>17278243
If they talked about it beforehand and he went on to ignore it, then yeah, it is kinda his fault dude. Men aren't so stupid, he's just doing this because he can get away with it. That's inconsiderate of him, to say the least.

>>17278222
Yes, obviously somebody I love very much. He's definitely accommodating and sweet in other areas.

It's pretty clear that just talking to him is not working. It's also getting less effective, in that, he's not trying to come up with solutions, just ways to shut down my ideas. The communication has reached a kind of end point for this area of discussion.

You're right that we haven't been married that long; I will try to find a way to express that I mean what I'm saying when we're not having sex - I think he doesn't take it seriously because I have quite an enthusiastic bedroom manner, so he thinks me being into pleasing him and getting into sex mitigates everything that I say outside of sex. I just keep not wanting to ruin sex for him and resolve to discuss it afterwards but I see now that that is untenable.

>>17278237
I definitely feel anxiety but I don't think I fear violence. Just saying things. I'm pretty anxious at the idea of making him mad because I tend not to want to upset people in general, but also because he gets REALLY mad when he's mad. He wouldn't hurt me, but he would definitely say some very regrettable things.

>>17278243
You're right; I'm obviously not good at being clear during sex. I am definitely NOT desperate to make it his fault!

I do attempt to be heard during sex and ask for what I want, but if he wants something else or ignores me then I just go along with that so I don't ruin sex. I think I need to change my approach.

>>17278283
>then I just go along
STOP RIGHT THERE.

By going along you communicates that it's not a big deal. How is he supposed to understand it's a big deal to you if you shrug it away? Of course he'll ignore it, of course he'll treat it like a minor issues. He will behave like it doesn't matter because YOU behave like it doesn't matter. If this issue bothers you then say it. Don't go along. Pause the sexual activity and discuss what you want to do differently. There is no other way. Stop going along, don't send mixed signals, express yourself properly.

just start crying during sex/foreplay

gets em every time

Force him to train his dick every day until he can fuck you for hours like in my japanese porn

>>17278325
Is this sarcasm

It takes my bf like 30 mins-an hour or more to cum from sex. I thought this was regular.

>>17278330
As a guy who take that long, definitely not normal. Typical dudes are much faster.

>>17278330
He probably used to train his cock in order to avoid looking like an idiot

>>17278342
Oh.. dang. I've never been with another guy, so I honestly did not know. That's why I thought OP's hubby was some kind of freak (no offense).

No wonder we're both so sore after sex lol, it's not meant to go on that long.

>>17278346
If he masturbates tell him to stop deathgripping. Maybe lay off the porn too. Worked pretty good for me.

What's the over'under on how soon OP has an affair?

>>17278361
I'm sure that works for some. I never had a death grip problem, and laying off porn or fapping for a while doesn't speed things all that much. Sometimes it's just your body.

>>17278311
Thanks, you're so right. I have been playing it down myself, so why would he take me seriously? I just sound like I'm yammering and nagging when we speak because my actions don't back up my words. Seriously I just never wanted to ruin sex or make him feel inadequate, but what I've been doing is much worse. Thank you so so much for all your help with working this through!

>>17278361
definitely will try it out. Been with this guy for 11 years now and never had a great sex life because it's just been so tiring for both of us. I like sex but I definitely dread it with him because it's so hard on my vagina and legs.

>>17278372
Women don't have affairs based on sexual satisfaction. They have them to monkeybranch up a level.

>>17278090
This is where letting women go first comes from.