Hey /adv/, need some advice.. why I'm posting here.
My wife just gave birth to our first child (son) yesterday, about 24 hours ago. I'm having trouble with the mother in law and visitation... but I'll give some background.
I am not very close to my family. Not any bad relationships, but we live fairly far from eachother, spread all over the country, and my family realized, and realizes, that my family is an extension of their family but is a separate unit. I am happy to see them (and my parents visited their grandson today for about two hours) but they are not imposing. I am not upset about my familial relationships and see them as "normal" - as I suppose anyone would with their own experience.
My wife, on the other hand, is a single child of divorced parents who struggles with her father, but is extremely close to her mother. And extremely, to me, is almost beyond reason. We live down the street (about 10 minutes away) from my mother in law, she is over there pretty consistently and has been, and they have an.. uncomfortably open relationship in which intimate details of my life have been shared with her mother that I wouldn't share with my own. Her mother is amazing, I do not dislike the woman, actually the opposite. She has been willing to help with pets when we go out of town, very supportive of our relationship and marriage, and a very kind person, who I, personally, like.
I have spoken with my wife about some of my issues with her closeness with her mom. I hate to say but a large issue I have is that I don't believe closeness at that level with your parents as an adult with your own family is normal or necessary. My wife disagrees, and for the most part it is OK; my mother in law does not stop in unannounced, rarely comes to my house, and I only see her occasionally; while my wife see's her and is over at her house 3-5 days a week.
Current issue in next post.
>>17273775
after the baby was born my mother in law has been visiting almost constantly. I have been stepping out and running home to take care of pets, but she has been almost a constant addition to my wife's recovery room. My wife is taking 10 weeks from work, and my mother in law has already taken the entire next week off to help out at home.
She has made it clear she doesn't want to impose, but my wife is instantly assuring that her presence is welcome, even though it is emotionally and physically draining for me, and, if I'm honest, simply annoying.
After my wife's leave my mother in law will be watching the baby 3 days a week. I appreciate the gesture greatly and am happy to concede with my wife on this, but generally believe our family should primarily be our responsibility, and the attachment my mother in law has already developed to the baby is... upsetting to me.
My wife wanted my mother in law in delivery with us. I vetoed that decision and it required counselling between us to get through. The compromise was to tell her mother and allow her in just after delivery. There she was, talking to nurses in a brash way and taking pictures with a super bright flash after a 22 hour delivery. I was so tired from helping my wife get through an impossible delivery (my wife did incredible) I didn't have the energy to really fight that battle. But it hasn't really ended.
Some more of (in my opinion) unhealthy "closeness" is my mother in law sticking around while my wife breast feeds. I have been apart from my wife more after delivery than she has. I feel like my family unit, which I take seriously, has been compromised by outside "help" -- which to me, is more an unnecessary annoyance. She could help by checking on our pets, which I have been doing. Or give breastfeeding advice over the phone.
I'm at a loss..
>>17273802
I need a way to set strong boundaries without seriously damaging my relationship with my wife or my mother in law, or her relationship with her mother.. Anyone else gone through this or similar and have any advice?
>>17273804
nobody?
>>17273775
OP, you're the one that sounds like you have family issues and you expect everyone else's family relations to be as dead as yours. There's nothing unhealthy about their relationship from what you've described - just your selfishness. You keep trying to justify everything you say about your mother-in-law with stuff like "She's great, but...", "I don't mind this, but...", "I appreciate this, but..." and you have no real criticism to follow these.
Your only real complaint is that your perception of their close and loving relationship is contrary to your own cold and distant family relationships, which offends you for some reason.
Your wife has just been through a big change in her life and she'll need all the emotional support and help she can get. Your wife is the one who needs the comfort, not you. You have no right to tell your wife she cannot see her mother, nor can you deny the mother-in-law the right to see her grandchild. If something was abnormal or obscene, it would be different, but they're doing a normal mother/daughter thing here.
When I got married, my wife and I had to move overseas. My mother-in-law moved with us (for only 3 months) to help my daughter acclimate to her new surroundings and so she wouldn't get lonely while I worked. I didn't think it abnormal, I thought it was sweet.
>>17273831
I get that. I do. But my perception isn't important at all? I don't expect my wife to have a less close relationship with her mother. I just expect space for my family to be my family. Not my family +1.
>>17273831
I couldn't do the 3 months thing... it's not sweet it's weird. I get that it has to do with my family not being as close. But 3 months is.. just a lot.
>>17273836
>>17273839
Well, you got your answer.
1. Your perception is skewed so you don't want your wife to have her mother nearby during this time when she would like to have her around the most.
2. You have some idealized definition of a "family unit" where anyone outside the literal household is an intruder.
3. You admit your mother-in-law does nothing but help, you know your wife welcomes her mother and likes her company, so the only reason for wanting her gone is your reeee'ing.
>>17273852
1) that's not what I want. I want to feel as much a part as her mother in the family that I am a part of. I am feeling left out and superseded by her being around constantly.
2. It's not idealized. I think that if for some reason for work we had to live in a different state or country we would have to leave, but I would take my wife and son. That's the "unit" -- the others would most likely stay. That's how life is.
3. She does nothing but help. I don't have a problem with my mother in law just how I feel about her being around constantly. And I admit that has to do with my life, but is my life experience less valid because of that? I don't think so.
>>17273862
Think of it this way OP, let your wife have her emotional support and help around the house for a while, as long as she needs. Then start talking to your wife to have the MIL back off for a while because of all the reasons you listed. It's important you don't back down from this or she will win in her power play to keep MIL around.
>>17273862
It seems you feel threatened somehow as the father figure or as your wife's companion because your mother-in-law (MIL henceforth) is around more than you. Empathize a bit more with how your wife may feel. Growing up your wife and her mom have always only had each other. Her mom is the only strong parental figure in her life and her only female role model. This, being your wife's first child, also needs coaching and advice - who better than her mother who has been through all this and can help your wife during the biggest life-changing moment in her life?
You are not being replaced. You're the father and as time goes on and your wife regains energy, your MIL will be less of an influence and more of a visitor - but right now she's your wife's crutch.
>>17273875
>>17273866
Thanks, great advice.
I agree with the guy sayin its ust not what youre used to. Its pretty normal and take from someone who just lost their mother. Parents arent around forever andits important to keep a close family unit.
>>17273892
Man I don't not love my mother we just are at a distance and keep my family my own responsibility, while celebrating the time we have together. It's not as close as some people but we love and cherish each other and she is supporting my family through this as well. It's just a bit more "hands off"
