this post is being made because the few times i've talked about suicide, friends/family start crying and making me feel bad about it, so here's the anonymous truth. i'm not sure what i can do anymore, /adv/. i've felt like i have no worth for as long as i can remember, but i've always kind of hoped things would change in time. i'm 23 and i don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. i was depressed throughout high school, tried to find work for 3 years, failed, and recently enrolled in college, just to make something happen. throughout the first semester my depression creeped back up, being surrounded by people and wanting social interaction and friends, but finding that impossible, made me feel like hopeless. there are a few people who seem to have noticed me but i often feel too horrible to socialize with them more than i need to.
i have a few online friends that i am emotionally close to, but in person my friends are scarce, and less relatable to me, more like acquaintances really. i've never had sex, or even been kissed. the only girls that have been openly interested in me are objectively (and i say this as someone who is very modest about my appearance) less physically appealing than me by a moderate margin, and more importantly, have next to nothing in common with me. i have no expectations of making a close connection with anyone, or finding anyone relatable enough to want to be around for the rest of my life who would feel the same way.
three weeks ago i started taking zoloft. after a week i started feeling more confidant, but by now it seems to have adversely effected my view of other people. everyone seems like such a self righteous hypocritical asshole to me. i've been fantasizing about cutting off literally everybody in my life completely somehow, daydreaming of an apocalypse scenario, being the last person on earth, etc. in the last week i've felt a growing disconnect from other humans, gaining almost sociopathic feelings towards other people.
1/2
2/2
the last year of my life has amounted to not much more than memes, crushing loneliness, anxiety, reluctantly doing college assignments, jobs that i despise, masturbating, and videogames. before taking zoloft, i'd lie on my bedroom floor, crying unable to move, fantasizing about using the .22 revolver in my parents basement to finally give myself some peace. now that the zoloft has fully kicked in, i have the same suicidal thoughts, but it seems to be logic based rather than emotional. it just seems to make sense.
should i keep taking the zoloft? or stop and see what happens? i don't know what makes me want to end it more, hating myself or hating everyone else. i put my remaining faith into the idea of healing through an anti-depressant, and it's not working as it should. i know i could switch to another anti-depressant, but i cringe at the thought of feeling how i felt before, and i'm really no better now. it all seems so pointless. has anyone had similar experiences?
alternatively, should i just kill myself? if i can't live spectacularly, dying spectacularly seems like a good second choice. taking matters into my own hands makes me feel a little better about it, and in my mind dying with a gun in my hand seems at least slightly dignified compared to the pathetic life i'm living now. i've also considered maybe using the revolver to perform a homemade lobotomy of sorts, aiming for the frontal lobe would give me a slight chance to live, but with a slightly altered personality or stunted emotions. does anyone know what my chances of success in doing this would be?
>>17256278
If I were you I would go hitchhiking around the country. There's something magical about traveling and making new discoveries. Perhaps that's what you need to do.
>>17256278
College won't fix your depression issues, and may not help you get a job either.
How about a skilled trade jobs instead? Training won't take 4 years and you can start working soon after, assuming there is a shortage of related jobs in the area.
Also why not talk to a professional about your emotional issues? /adv does offer some advice but I think you need qualified help for that.
Are you an Amerifat by any chance?
>>17256545
you are probably right, i usually find myself walking around outside and hiking just in hopes of something exciting happening or finding something. it's usually just a waste of time though. that being said, traveling could be what i'm looking for. unfortunately, i fear being stranded and homeless more than i do death, so i wouldn't hitchhike or travel unless i had a lot of money, but i'm extremely poor.
>>17256573
that's probably the smart thing to do. i'm kind of weird in that i try to have certain life experiences. it's a checklist of sorts i guess. i went to prom even though i didn't want to because, well, there is only one time i can have a genuine prom experience. similarly, i felt as though i should have the 'college experience', and i looked at it optimistically, assuring myself i'd become more social, have lots of friends, have a lot of fun, and maybe even find love while i'm young. none of this has occurred, but i'm already in debt so i might as well finish it up and get the degree.
there is someone i talk to at the college, a counselor who's services are provided by the college. in fact, she's the one who suggested i get try to get anti-depressants after my suicidal thoughts began to intensify. it's summer break though, so i only talk to my doctor now.
i am indeed an amerifat
>>17256577
Trying something new is definitely the key here. If you can't afford travel, maybe you should try writing or drawing or learning a musical instrument? I think you might feel better if you find something that you're passionate about. It will add much more meaning to your life.
>>17256592
May I also recommend you exercise? If you go to college I'm sure you can use their gym facilities for free. I'd recommend you get started lifting weights. It will help you relax and will benefit you in the long run.
>>17256596
heh, actually i am passionate about all of the examples you've listed. i love to write, i've drawn a shit ton and i'm proficient at playing bass, guitar, and keyboards. however, (here's the cliche part you can probably see coming) i've slowly lost interest in these things i used to be passionate about over the past few years. hmmm, maybe i'll get into anime or something, heh.
>>17256605
i've actually been exercising more now than i ever have before. i am physically in the best shape of my adult life. for a while it seemed to make things better, but for some reason it doesn't seem to make much of a difference now.
>>17256608
Well, it sounds like you really aren't pathetic like you said in your original post! Maybe your antidepressant is the problem. Perhaps Zoloft doesn't work right for you and you need to try a different medicine? Different types of medicine have different effects, maybe you can ask your doctor if there are any other options?
>>17256613
i have an appointment coming up, and that's probably the ideal solution, but this seems like such a hassle. i don't have insurance, and i don't have a lot of money, i hate the idea that i just wasted what little money i have on something that i'm going to need to ween myself off of and replace with something else that may also not work and make me feel horrible. additionally, zoloft seems to not make me gain weight, which i heard was a common side effect of antidepressants. i am very self conscious of my appearance and the thought of rolling the dice and trying a medicine that could have this side effect makes me weary. i understand it's probably necessary though. if push comes to shove i'll just eat nothing but vegetables. still, this all seems like a lot of trouble to just feel like a normal person
>>17256624
Yeah, life can be hard sometimes. We all go through difficulties, but the fact that we're alive at all is something to be thankful for.
I think you really have a chance at recovering. A lot of the people I've tried to help on here won't listen to any logic or reason, but you seem very open to suggestions and you are honestly considering everything I say. I honestly think that you will be able to get through this. A lot of people feel empty sometimes, you just need to find your personal cure for the problem.
>>17256647
i don't want to let you (let alone my friends or family) down by caving in and going through with it, but i am walking a fine line. it's different every day, but just today i couldn't stop planning my suicide. yesterday i deactivated my facebook because i realized everyone just pisses me off regardless of what they have to say, and i really don't want anything to do with anyone. what kind of life can i live? it could be the zoloft making me feel this way, but i have to wonder if maybe i'm normal now, the zoloft worked, and this is the real me? if so, would it be worth being happier if i'm 'supposed' to feel cynical and reclusive? i don't know who i really am without the depression
>>17256675
Maybe you've just been spending time around the wrong people? Maybe zoloft has revealed the real you, and the real you doesn't like the people that the depressed version of you spends time around? You could try to meet new people. Try joining a dating site perhaps?
Tell your doctor the drugs arent working. There's more than 1 anti-depressant. Ask for a different one.
screw pharmaceuticals. psychedelics act in a way that reset your brain to at least give yourself a solid shot at starting fresh on a positive page.
>>17256987
God, not one of these assholes. Psychedelics can also make you fucking schizo and usually don't have any lasting net impact on your life. But you're one of the sanctimonious fucktards from reddit, Erowid, etc. who think making your brain glitch on purpose somehow makes you an evolved human being. Same class of people who believe in indigo children and shit
>>17256278
Whatever you do; DO NOT TRY SELF LABOTOMY. Even if you were hinting at sarcasm. No. Don't.
The more you fuck with your brain, the more you become less of a person.
I'm self diagnosed bipolar depressive.
It comes in cycles and waves.
I'm strong now.
I get through them.
I don't take pills.
IDGAF what people say about the side effects of quitting medication. You have given yourself tolerance and you will experience a come down.
You might act on those sociopathic thoughts and hatred of self projected onto others and do something stupid that you will realize is stupid once all that medication leaves your system.
You don't have to be numb.
Take your life back.
>>17257026
>I'm self diagnosed bipolar depressive
No wonder you're such a whiny self-important twat. You read "Touched by Fire" and listened to "Lithium" on repeat and thought that if you convinced yourself you were bipolar, it would make you special.
As for those of us (including myself) who are ACTUALLY bipolar, the majority of us have to take pills for the remainder of our lives. If I stopped my medication I would quickly become psychotic and wind up in the psych ward. I don't seem so "strong" now for skipping the pills, now do I?
Also, stopping medications like antidepressants cold-turkey can be VERY dangerous, especially at high doses. You might as well be asking OP to commit suicide.
>>17257051
Bipolar depression is not the same as being bipolar. Please swing the other way. Out of my way.
>>17257053
Bipolar depression = bipolar type II, retard
>>17257059
Sigh.....
I'm sick of dealing with you crazy fucks that can't rationalize.
I'm highlighting the difference between OPs depression and my own; seen here:
http://www.ulifeline.org/articles/399-bipolar-depression-vs-unipolar-depression
I don't have "episodes" but I can fall into states of mania or depression that are different from my day to day mood. I've never read "touched by fire". I have heard "Lithium" before; was too slow and depressive for me. Not like I go around telling people this stuff either so nice try.
Sorry you can't handle your own mind. Hopefully the functioning members of society don't strap you down too hard.
You might also want to note that I didn't tell OP to stop taking medications. I said there would be side effects of quitting; as I have experienced them myself on several SSRIs and anti-psychs.
Cold turkey is painful, just scale it down with physicians assistance if you need that kind of guidance.
>>17256704
the few friends i have are nice, but some of them treat me very oddly sometimes, and i sometimes have to wonder if they really are my friend. i have an okcupid profile, but i don't receive any messages and when i send a message it's either ignored or they outright ignore me. i suppose if anything it's good practice for messaging girls and being rejected.
>>17256824
sometimes i don't feel too bad though, and i was so confidant zoloft would work. switching medicine is a tedious process, it's another problem in my life. it all feels pretty hopeless
>>17256987
i don't have the social circle needed to acquire psychedelics or other similar substances. anything that would change my brain up would be a preferable final stand before i attempt suicide, so it's worth noting.
>>17257026
i was not hinting at sarcasm, it's not that i don't want to live, as much as it is i'm extremely tired of myself, the people around me, and my life in particular. if i could be someone else i'd easily give it a shot. i won't though if you don't recommend it.
>>17257051
lithium is a good song my dude
