>He starts to come over more
>Starts sleeping over
>While sleeping over, he starts touching me
>Very subtle, rubbing, slowly moving his hands over me
>Gets more rough, puts his hands down my shirt
>When this happens, I go into shock, at the time I just couldn't comprehend it
>As I look back, I blacked out a lot of memories
>This happened frequently, I would just go limp while he touched me
>He'd sometimes would slowly edge towards my penis, and just rest his hand on my public hair and feel it
>Sometimes I would make noises, like yelping and resist and he'd hit me, get annoyed
>When my parents would walk towards my room, he'd jump away
>My parents comment on his frantic movements, they find them strange, they think he's just shy or a bit strange
>I'd sometimes say to him that I didn't want to go to his place or that I didn't want to see him
>He'd make a joke out of it saying "I won't touch you, lol" or "no rape, i promise!"
>I'd always would give in after a few weeks of being friends and it would happen again
>This continued for years

Fast forward

Cont.

>I'm 21 now
>At work, doing mindless repetitive tasks
>Thoughts always wonder off as what I'm doing is so boring and my mind is all I have to occupy myself
>Realise that what he'd done to me many years ago was sexual abuse
>Before then I always pictured sexual abuse as something out of the scene of irreversible (Brutal, forceful penetration, beating etc)
>As I'm going home it all floods back with this perspective
>Start feeling sick to my stomach
>I can barely see, I'm in total shock
>It's warm outside but I feel so cold
>everyone around me looks like they want to do me harm
>Confide in a friend
>he tells me to go to a therapist instantly
>I go, she is really bad but it's all I can do without telling my parents which I absolutely can not do
>End up stopping therapy as I didn't connect with her at all (I went to 4 sessions, it wasn't helping at all. She'd schedule appointments for 30 minutes every 3 weeks.
>30 minutes every 3 weeks can not undo years of trauma
>Friend I confided to finds the whole situation very awkward
>We never speak about it

I feel like such a freak. I can't talk to anyone about this. My head is going to explode. I forget about it for a month or so but it all just keeps flooding back and I feel completely sick.

I have noone to talk to, nothing to truly alleviate this pain. The most horribly part is that I know for a fact that the experiences I faced have shaped me as person and that I'll never be able to change that.

I'm just fucked up /adv/, what do I do?

Forgot to add that no, I am not gay at all. I've thought about it but I just don't find men attractive.

find another therapist and show them this thread.

You know how you don't connect with everyone you meet? It's the same with therapists.

>>17254474

I should give you a little bit more info.

I've done some research and people say that they go through a lot of therapists before finding the right one. The problem is that I'm not finically stable. I got the first one because my country allows me 10 free sessions with any therapist paid by the government. I cannot tell my parents, it would completely alter my life once again.

>>17254471
A friend confided me in childhood sexual abuse in a similar way (she didn't realise it was that bad) and you may try to forgive and forget that person or forget and accept it happened.
I'm no therapist though, you better see a professional.
Because
>mentioned friend is no longer a friend partly because of her mental problems, very similar to histrionic pd, not diagnosing
Her fears sounded very similar to yours and the lack of good therapists in my 3rd world country gives her no hope. Even though she confides what happened to all her friends, girls do that.

I don't know where you live, but support groups are usually pretty easy to find. Community centers can help you find one. If you're religious, you can usually find support from your place of worship.

If not, the internet is full of support groups. Sites like http://www.meetup.com/ might be of help to you

>>17254498
I wanted to add: this doesn't replace a therapist, but it beats doing nothing.

Also, who knows? You might qualify for more extensive help from your state if you apply through one of those groups.

>>17254488

I'm actually good friends with him and I've forgiven the whole thing. He's no longer that person and I know he truly feel remorse for what he did.

It doesn't help though, we were always friends, it wasn't like he moved schools or anything.

I fear that I may succumb in the future to some mental problems as well. I'm talking later in life, like a mid-life crisis. It certainly felt like that when It hit me that day at work. I felt like my world had be turned upside down and everything that I saw was now different.

I come from a well off middle class family so it's been a big shock to me. Nothing like this has happened to any of my other friends.

>>17254504
>>17254498

I thought about this but I'm kinda scared of it. I'm a very shy person, I can't hold a conversation even with my family or relatives. Not to mention if people found out I was going to meetings like this.

Does anyone have any experience with support groups? What are they like? If there anything like what I've seen in films then they're pretty bleak and not that helpful.

>>17254507
Not that anon, but accepting and letting go are completely different.
You'll have to come to terms with it on a deep introspective level. You have to understand how it makes you feel rather than push it all away.

I'd tell you to talk it out with your friend, but I don't have much experience in this situation.

>>17254507

>>17254461
>As I'm going home it all floods back with this perspective
>Start feeling sick to my stomach
>I can barely see, I'm in total shock
>It's warm outside but I feel so cold
>everyone around me looks like they want to do me harm

Sounds to me like you're already experiencing problems, bruh

>I come from a well off middle class family so it's been a big shock to me.

How is this relevant? Money is not a magical shield against sexual assault.

>Nothing like this has happened to any of my other friends.

Again, how is this relevant? We're not talking about your friends' experiences.

>>17254510
>I thought about this but I'm kinda scared of it. I'm a very shy person, I can't hold a conversation even with my family or relatives. Not to mention if people found out I was going to meetings like this.

Bluntly, you're going to have to choose what is more important to you: your shyness and other people's opinions, or trying to find help. Also, the idea of a support group is finding people who had a similar experience to you. They're not going to judge you or look down on you.

Support groups are like therapists: you might need to try a few of them before finding the right one for you.

If all else fails, look for an online forum.

>>17254514

>How is this relevant? Money is not a magical shield against sexual assault.

>Again, how is this relevant? We're not talking about your friends' experiences.


Sorry, I should've been more specific. Nothing bad ever really happened to me. I never experienced a rough life, my parents were and are loving, I went to a good school. You see people killed on the news but it never really impacts you because it's a life outside of your bubble. That's why i rejected the abuse for so many years. I thought life was always going to be okay, i'd always have someone to fall back on, the worst things in life I thought would be losing my wallet, getting fired from a job, getting rejected by a girl, etc. I always dealt with the physical. I never thought that I'd have mental issues and I feel so bad that I've been so selfish my whole life and been so ignorant to everything.

>>17254513

He knows that I've seen a therapist, my other friend told him but he hasn't mention it at all with me. That's a conversation I hope never happens.

>>17254536
Basically, shit happens. No, it's not fair, but that's how life is sometimes.

> I feel so bad that I've been so selfish my whole life and been so ignorant to everything.

That's not selfishness, that's self-preservation. You're not a bad person wanting a "normal" life. That just makes you human.

>>17254536
Hmm.. I think it's a conversation that needs to be had. He'll probably never initiate it because of remorse and he probably rationalized it by now, thinking you've moved on. (because psychologists are mechanics for human brains)

I mean if that conversation doesn't go your way then so be it. Is it worth it if it meant you'll have some closure and understanding and ultimately take your own life back?