This is probably more of a guy question but here it goes. How do you take yourself less seriously, while also not letting other people disrespect/bully you?
I came to a realization lately that I take myself way too seriously, and thats the cause of a lot of my problems in life. If someone insults me, I am quick to get defensive and very angry. I can't talk to girls cause I'm too afraid of embarrassing myself. If I make a mistake, I feel like a failure. Stuff like that.
Lately I've been taking myself less seriously, living life in a more lighthearted manner, laughing at my mistakes, even making some self-deprecating jokes about my weak social skills. And I gotta say, I feel a lot better most of the time with this new mentality.
Here's the biggest issue I see with it though. I don't want to become bait for assholes to pick on by appearing too "soft".
I want to become better at not taking banter too personally, but where do I draw a line? And when I do need to draw a line, how do I tell someone they're going to far? At what point is it acceptable to shove someone or throw a punch? I hope it never gets physical, but sometimes that is an inevitable last resort.
Self-deprecate yourself, what you've already taken the piss out of they can't take the piss out of. Also offense is the best defense,if they say something you didn't like start taking the piss out of them. Requires a modicum of intellect and not giving a shit though.
You should never need to throw the first punch, if you do it right since you'll wreck their confidence by hitting their weak spots in a way that doesn't allow them to respond without seeming like a cunt
>if someone insults me i get defensive and angry
why wouldnt you? to not care if someone striaght up insults you is being a pushover pussy bitch.
the thing is you can't try to 'justify' yourself. if someone insults you, insult them back, with a smile on your face. dont show that it hurt, just show that its annoying.
>talk to girl
>make a mistake
stop thinking of girls as video games. cuz thats what you are doing. you are acting like there is a fatality you have to perform to win, like a certain number of correct buttons will lead to a special cutscene or cheat code.
there isn't. you could be the most amazing alpha wonderful person in the world, say all the 'right things' and a girl will still be like 'nah not my type' simply cuz chemistry, or shes no nher period, or shes hungry, or shes already interested in someone else.
just cuz a girl doesnt want to get with you doesnt mean you did something wrong. it just means she wasnt interested.
think of it this way
>my mom cooks lasagna
>its considered the greatest lasagna on the island
>people pay her to make it for their birthdays
>me personally i love all her cooking except her lasagna
>have literally never had any kidn of lasagna, premade or otherwise that i liked.
>makes me gag every time
>yet she takes personal offense, as if she did something wrong despite everyone else liking her lasagna
its not her fault. she did nothing wrong. i simply dont like lasagna.
you are lasagna op. it doesnt matter if a girl doesnt like your lasagna. you go be the best lasagna you can be.
worst case scenario a girl isnt interested and your life is no different than it was an hour ago.
>>17251956
>>17252030
now, back to people insulting you. how often does this happen?
here is the thing, if its something that cant be helped, they are an asshole. say something mean about them, then just move on. not worth your time.
if you feel they are correct, still insiult them back, but go home and write it down. is it something you can fix? a girl once said i have a bit of a 'beer belly'. i was only 100 pounds, but yeah i was skinny fat. so now i go to the gym and am working to improve.
decide whats okay and not okay.
>>17252030
>you go be the best lasagna you can be
top tier advice in this post
>>17252009
>if they say something you didn't like start taking the piss out of them
See this is where I suck. I am awful at banter. I don't know if it just isn't in my personality, or if I suck at it cause I've never really done it. I feel like my insults would really suck and I would probably just get shit on more if I tried to tease them. I'm not really witty at all, but I guess thats where "not giving a fuck" comes in. Easier said than done though.
Just say shit, at worst they won't like you at best they'll like you. Basically banter isn't serious unless they are one of the people you can tell put a lot of their self worth in being "hard" if its one of them feel free to start brawling. Anyone else just say stuff it may come out shit but you only get better with practise
>>17252050
ah see that sucks. im good at finding something to dig at cuz lets be real most people have something and you just gotta point it out. if they get mad, and you dont, you win.
my roommate used to hate me for this cuz i always kept a straight face during 'arguments'
if you feel that your return insult will be dumb just 'meh' what they say like you really dont care and go do your own thing.
>>17252030
good advice, thanks.
>>17252031
people don't insult me very often, i just want to be prepared for the instances where it will inevitably happen.
i get teased here and there, who doesn't I guess? i'm just bad at teasing back. I need to work on it.
>>17252050
>easier said than done
never say this. ever. its inherent. its obvious. people use it as an excuse when they literally have no reason to do what they need to do.
everything is easier said than done. the term was coined for extreme things.
>just murder your sister
>easier said than done
this isnt that. this is literally you controlling yourself.
>>17252065
This. Stay calm and stay at a normal voice if they get in your face stay like that and it'll piss em off and give you an auto win.
In a situation like this you don't care what they want you care what the bystanders think, if they side with you they either back down due to social pressure or if they get physical the bystanders will think he's the biggest cunt.
In more a mild teasing situation don't let it get to you,laugh and just make a shit joke its fine.
>>17252079
this desu. easiest way to auto win is to just stay calm, smile, maybe laugh (just not obnoxiously).
>be me
>nervous laugher
>Walking down the street
>big black guy turns aroudn and starts following me
>Asks why i looked at him
>said i didnt
>said 'thats how people get stabbed bro'
>i laugh (nervous tick, but it doesnt sound like nervous laughter)
>the guy just turns around and leaves
didnt work on my dad though. he took it as a sign of defiance (i was fucking 4) and hed smack me again, which would make me laugh harder, and hed just beat me til my mom came in.
>>17251956
sounds like you may be believing what others think about you more than you should. if you respect yourself you wont fin it necessary to react in anger insults you know to be false, even if they are true, as long as you like yourself you can just take it as constructive criticism. Also people dont walk on or pick on people who they can sense are good with themselves.
>>17251956
If your self-esteem is at a healthy level nobody will "pick on you". Even if they did as an adult being you wouldn't care and could always leave the company because nobody can force you to put up with shit of worthless people.
Simple as that.
You can take yourself serious or not, that doesn't matter any at the topic of getting bullied/picked on.
OP here again. Thx for the the advice so far.
Here's something else. I seem to have a hard time telling the difference between teasing and bullying. People have pointed this out to me before. Like, where do you draw the line?
I'll give you one example, and this was almost 10 years ago when I was a teenager. I was very shy back then, not so much anymore. Still kinda shy I guess. Anyway, I had this friend who's dad would always pick on me for being quiet and stuff. He would say stuff when he'd see me like "Hey anon" and then he would turn his head away real fast and say "oh sorry, I forgot you don't like eye contact". I would laugh it off, but it did hurt because my self esteem was shit back then. I told my friend that it kinda bothered me and he would be like "nah, he's just teasing you". Like is that teasing or borderline bullying? I didn't really feel like I could say anything back because he was an adult and I was in his house and everything.
Old story, but just an example of when I couldn't tell if I was being teased or bullied and didnt know how to feel or react. Where is the line where you stop joking and get more serious?
>>17252050
>They insulted me
>I need to insult them back because I'd look very uncool if I just left or didn't bother
Never mind my advice op, you're clearly a teenager.
>>17252132
its hard to say. teasing isnt really about the act itself but more the nature of the relationship. we dont know how he felt about you or how other interactions were.
it could have been teasing. it could have been bullying. it could have been meant as teasing but you took it as bullying.
if you are close enough to someone to say something bothers you, you should do so. if they act like you're being a bitch about it, probably shouldnt be close to them
>>17252135
So lets say a coworker is constantly giving you shit. Leaving your job isn't an option. And if you just sit there and take it, you'll get a reputation as a pushover and wont get any respect.
>>17252132
That's not bullying. But still shit behaviour. Why the fuck did that man need to mock kids? Because he has quite a few issues himself an needs to feel big even if it's just once.
>>17252132
sounds like he was just fucking with you cause he saw that lack of self-worth. hence you avoiding eye-contact and all. dads do that. thats how my dad and my friends dads got me to man up. theyre just trying to provoke you into becoming better. bullies are more peers also with self-esteem issues they just react the opposite way in order to hide it
>>17252168
would you? if you dont even engage a guy are you sitting there and 'taking it'?
what is he saying to you to call you out?
worse case scenario you just say 'shut up dude, no one cares' and go back to work.
>>17252175
Yeah he just seemed like an all around dick. He would pick on my other friends a bit too, so I never took it too personally. He would tease my fat friend for being chubby, and another friend for being a bit dumb. Always had a beer in his hand and would talk down to his wife sometimes. Everyone seemed to think he was funny but I just thought he was an asshole.
He was a short little guy. Probably got bullied growing up for being small and needs to cope with it now by picking on others and drinking all the time.
>>17252198
I think it depends on the work environment really.
>>17252201
thats one thing i do all the time now that you mention it. if i can find their flaw, just ask them if thats why they're an asshole.
>>17252168
This very coworker won't be allowed to stand behind you to talk shit, will he? If you insulted you on your break leave the fucking room, not your work. If he's a fucking asshole nobody will like him and side with you anyways. Welcome to the adult world, it's quite different from yours.
Adults are forced to be friendly to each other, nobody wants extra stress to life than there is already (paying rent, taxes, food, your kids etc) it's not about being cool anymore if you're q grown up.
And being an asshole will cause you the extra stress. But yeah there still are people who are bored with their lives and are assholes. But nobody likes then and they'll get kicked out very soon, except they're your boss. In that case everyone will avoid them as much as possible and they won't have any further career chances.
>>17252215
You're right in most cases. I recently stopped working at this pizza place where the boss was never around and there were basically no rules. I worked there for nearly 5 years. It was only my second job (I'm 23 now and going back to school). A hell of a lot of horseplay and banter went on at that place. Probably not like most work environments so my view is likely a bit warped.
>>17252201
>He would pick on others
Wrong, he'd only pick on weaker people, e.g. little kids and women. That coward would never pick on grown men be sure of this.
>Everyone seemed to think he was funny
Nope they just wanted to avoid further bullshit from him.
You seem to be a little autistic for not seeing this. I'm serious. But don't sweat it, you're not on the seriously disabled spectrum. You'll still be able to live a mostly normal and happy life. (My daughter and her dad are the same as you)
>>17252250
I have thought for a while now that I may have a mild case of aspergers. It might explain why I have extra difficulty understanding and interacting with others.
>>17252234
It is. Don't sweat it like I said before anon. You'll be fine :)
There always are asshole's out there and you'll keep bumping into them. But be sure, everyone will hate them and you don't give them more of your time and energy (hate) then they're worth. And they're worth nothing so treat them like that.
>>17252266
Meant to write
>so my view is likely a bit warped.
It is.
>you'll keep bumping into them
*from time to time.
>>17251956
The key of taking yourself less seriously I found through years of shit:
Don't try to not give a shit, that's not possible. Instead don't give a shit that you actually give a shit. = works every time
>>17251956
Start picking ur nose and eating it
