So that's it, I just travelled across the country to be with a girl and cheat on my my partner (with a girl Ive known online for years, this was our one chance to meet and act out a romance we had that never really died) and am currently on the train home. Obviously she's none the wiser.
What happens now? I just pretend it never happened? Any tips for a cheater?
>>17233489
Live with the guilt until it consumes you or tell your partner and destroy your relationship. There are no other alternatives.
>>17233499
Or just keep shamelessly cheating because you have no empathy then turn it around on your gf to make her out to be the bad guy when she finds out.
>>17233489
Are you gonna move out there and be with this internet woman long term?
Was this just a one-time fling?
Do you plan to keep fucking around with other women?
Just go back to your life and pretend it never happened. Whatever. What she doesn't know won't hurt her.
Also, you're a bad person.
>>17233504
This
I cheated on my gf once and it made me feel like shit.
I knew she wouldn't break up with me if I told her - however it would destroy her, fuck with her self esteem, and ruin what is an otherwise amazing relationship.
So, I decided not to tell her, and to try and bring something positive out of such a despicable action, I've been quietly "making it up to her" by being the best boyfriend I can possibly be.
I don't mean buying her stuff or something shallow like that. I mean taking care of her, doing laundry and dishes while she relaxes, giving her a massage before she sleeps, waking her up in the morning with my tongue on her pussy, that sort of thing.
So far it's helped me with the guilt and also strengthened my relationship with her. I really love this girl so I want to be the best I can to her. I made a stupid decision in the past but I'm making up for it with love and positivity. That's what I'd recommend to repentant cheaters
>>17233512
One time thing, this is the only chance I'll get for this, that's all I'll say.
>>17233532
So you told her for you, not for her.
>>17233539
No, I didn't tell her at all.
>>17233532
>Cucked sweet girlfriend
>Making it up to her
You'll never make it up to her turdwipe, if you loved her you would tell her that you're a piece of shit cucker and let her make her own decision to stay with you, not turn your decision to deceive her further into some noble self-sacrificing act.
>>17233546
It's not noble or self sacrificing. I never said that or even implied it. In fact it's the opposite. I'm aware of that. It's just the route that causes the least pain to her - even if it is self-serving.
>>17233551
>It's just the route that causes the least pain to her - even if it is self-serving.
The route that causes her the least pain is letting her know she's with a guy who's cucking her or leaving her so she can find someone who doesn't disrespect their partner in that way. You're not making the best decision for her, that's your narcissism and self-delusion speaking.
>>17233539
>One time thing, this is the only chance I'll get for this, that's all I'll say.
Never say anything and live your long, happy life. Guilt is for the neurotic. Let it go.
>>17233557
That might be true for some people, but in this case you're wrong. You don't know the anything about our relationship. You also have no idea what I actually did.
Like I said, I am 100% certain that she would not leave me if I told her. She would just be hurt, and eventually forgive me. I know this person very well, and I am sure of this - I am also self-aware enough to know that's not just something I'm telling myself to feel better about cheating.
With that in mind, not telling her about it is dishonest, yes, but also saving her the pain of knowing I cheated on her. That is a fact you can't argue. How is that delusional?
I'm not arguing about the ethics of what I did. It was awful of me to betray her trust, but now that I did, I just don't see why telling her the truth and causing her the pain is better than sweeping it all under the rug and moving on.
>>17233546
People get really touchy when it comes to cheating here, don't they?
>>17233641
People in general tend to have some moral backbone and betraying your SO is usually one of the nastiest things you could do to another person.
>>17233653
I'd say that's a gross exaggeration.
>>17233653
>People in general tend to have some moral backbone
Wrong. People (many with little to no experience being in a relationship) just feel free to judge and vilify others because they think that every relationship issue is a black or white deal that only ends in absolutes or ultimatums.
>>17233660
You disagree? It probably means that a committed relationship isn't probably your thing right now.
>>17233489
Save her the trouble and break up with her. This will inevitably come to bite you in the ass, as it should. Be it someone you know happens to see you, your side girl goes batshit and spills the beans, whatever. It might be in a week, a few years down the road - it will happen, and the longer you leave it the more fucked you will be.
>>17233666
Are you saying it's somehow gray area to go behind your partners back to have sex with someone else? How is this not a black and white issue? Sure, have sex with whomever you want, but doing so without the consent or even informing your current romantic partner is wrong, no matter what.
>>17233641
duh. it's not like we're sociopaths, we can readily put ourselves in her shoes.
act like a cunt, get the cunt treatment. maybe there's a hugbox elsewhere for pig fuckers like yourself, you could try looking for validation and justification there
and realize every time you run out to fuck a pig because you're an animal with no self-discipline, you validate a feminist and her obnoxious ideology
>>17233679
Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. the circumstances are different for every case and that it's idiotic to judge all cheaters equally.
>A wife cheats on her husband because she was horny and couldn't help herself
is way different than
>A wife cheats on her husband because he was abusing her and she turned to someone who makes her feel safe and loved
That's just one example. The context and circumstances of every relationship change everything. People in glass houses just like to throw stones
Not an awesome thing to do but plenty of people have been there and this is probably not a great piece of advice but it's a good but of rationalisation.
If you feel guilty. Good. But for thr love of God do not tell her. Telling her will only serve to alleviate your own guilt and transfer your pain to her.
If you do not love her anymore. Leave her and let her find somebody who can appreciate her properly. If you wanna stay with her. Love her and never do it again.
Just live with it, if you love her the guilt alone will be punishment enough. You will never forgot that shit, it fucking sucks.
Telling her will only be beneficial to yourself, to relive the guilt, and will only cause her pain.
>>17233754
This guy gets it spot on.
So you've come here because you want people to pat you on the back for cheating someone you're in a monogamous relationship with? Or you just want to brag for getting away with it? Because that's what I've gathered from your responses so far.
>>17233546
>>17233557
>>17233697
>>17233781
>>17233704
Have you been cheated on before? I'm genuinely curious why you're lashing out so much. Nobody in here is debating whether it's right or wrong. So what is your problem exactly?
>>17233762
Plenty of people male bad decisions. Not my place to judge but damage controlling to cause less pain is probably good.
Can I suggest OP also gets an std test or gets atleast single dose azithromycin and 500mg ceftriaxone before barebacking his Gf. Should cover chlamydia and gonnorhea.
Don't know or care what he did to cheat but It would truly suck to give her an sti because he fucked around. She doesn't deserve that. Even oral sex in theory can spread sti if unprotected.
>>17233799
>>17233762
Same fag again here.
I would also tell op thst after some time it's ok to forgive yourself. You just need to give yourself permission to do so. It's a shit decision you made but in time you will need to move on. Nobody should define their whole life by 1 mistake.
i cheated, never told him.
broke up with him few months later reasons unrelated. he was already emotionally fucked up, i wasn't gonna try to fuck his head up even more. it's been like 4 years, he's never found out and he's moved on and is happy with another girl.
although, i know that if my current boyfriend cheated on me i'd want him to tell me so i could beat his ass that's it really
>>17233641
People with empathy get upset yes. I wouldn't expect a soulless piece of shit like you to understand of course.
>>17233660
Of course, I mean you willfully cheated on someone that trusted you.
You're really no different than that friend that pees in your cereal but never tells you.
>>17233846
You live in a strange world, anon.
>>17233856
It is a strange world, where people will take hours long train rides to cheat on their significant others without any remorse. Very strange.
>>17233856
Of course I'm sure commitment and actually emotionally investing in someone is very strange and scary to you anon.
>>17233793
Is OP getting butthurt?
Tell us about your experience with the other girl? How was the time with her, the sex, etc?
>>17233793
I made two of those comments. Never been cheated on. Just recognize narcissistic scum when I see it. Would say the same to some cunt cucking her bf.
>>17233564
This
>>17233571
>100% certain she won't leave
>Won't be honest
Again, deluding yourself. Working through hardships truthfully and honestly is what gives a relationship it's a strength. You are obviously doubtful that she will forgive you if you cannot own up to your breach of trust.
>>17233793
Whether it's a cheek or a guy cheating is the highest form of faggotry.
Even /pol/ would agree to that.
>all these people triggered by cheaters
I wonder how many of you realize you're so insecure with yourselves and terrified of someone cheating on you that when someone else does it you go apeshit and want to crucify them for it.
People make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. I've never cheated but been tempted to and I can see how easy it is to slip up. In the bigger context it's not a big deal OP, as long as you stop doing it and be good to your girl from now on.
If you keep it up, you should just break up with her so you can be promiscuous guilt-free
>>17233901
I didn't know being honest and coming clean about infidelity was considered alleviating guilt now. Do you think you are doing the other party a favor by hiding the truth? It's manipulative, disgusting and serves to prove you are not what your partner thinks you are.
>>17233926
>Making a mistake
>Willfully getting on a train for the sole purpose of cheating on your girlfriend
What the fuck he admitted he'd been planning this, that's not a mistake, he doesn't even have the excuse of being drunk. The fuck are you talking about mate.
None of what you said has anything to do with him purposely cheating on his significant other, stop using that "WAAAH NOT EVERYONE IS PERFECT" cop out.
>>17233926
>People make mistakes
>Nobody is perfect
Ok, but that is for the victim e.g the spouse cheated on, to realize if they want to make it work. Not the cheating party. You can't buy a gun with the intention of killing someone, and all the while agonize over how murderers can regret their actions. If you know it's wrong, don't fucking do it. If you do it, own up to it and the consequences of the mistake. How fucking hard is this to understand?
>>17233489
Whoa - what did she do to deserve to be cheated on? Also, if you're sure she'll forgive you then why not just tell her? Don't you think you're making her look like an idiot by not telling her?
>>17233930
>I didn't know being honest and coming clean about infidelity was considered alleviating guilt now. Do you think you are doing the other party a favor by hiding the truth?
Precisely.
>It's manipulative, disgusting and serves to prove you are not what your partner thinks you are.
This is also true, but doesn't negate the fact that ignorance is bliss.
>>17233931
Everyone cheats on purpose, whether you had a buzz and saw your high school crush at the bar, or took a plane across the country to see your mistress. The same mistake was made in both instances: giving in to a temptation. Everyone has done something they regret before. It doesn't mean they are all horrible people that deserve to die alone.
>>17233943
I agree, it is for the spouse to determine forgiveness. However, people have to forgive themselves as well. I'm not saying cheaters are victims, but I am saying they deserve forgiveness in certain circumstances (i.e. if they aren't repeat offenders, if they feel remorse for their actions, if they are good to their partner in every other way, etc.)
>>17233978
>I agree it is for the spouse to determine forgiveness
>People have to forgive themselves as well
Before their spouse determines if they are worth forgiveness? That is underhanded and unfair to the spouse. They were cheated on. They deserve to know because a relationship is about two not one.
>>17234010
Forgiving yourself is different to somebody else Forgiving you. Whst op did was wrong but we shouldn't be judging. This is /adv not /bejudgementalcunts
>>17234010
Everybody is "worth" forgiveness if they are repentant for their actions. If the spouse doesn't forgive them for it, they still have to forgive themselves. You can't go through life dragging every bad deed you've ever done behind you. At a certain point you need to accept what you did, realize it's wrong, and move on knowing you'll never do it again.
>>17234021
Forgiving yourself is about being able to have closure on the event in your own life. Humans fuck up. Sometimes purposefully. It does not make you unworthy of this. If you think it does get off /adv as I can assume the advice you give will be shit tier.
>>17234027
This
>>17234021
Cheating is a deplorable act. It's a breach of trust on the highest level of loyalty, so of course people are going to judge, especially when people like you are quick to excuse his actions without realizing this person has not come clean to his spouse and the consequences of his actions. If he's guilty, great. At his heart, he's not a shit person. It does not excuse the fact that he needs to come clean and face the consequences of said actions. Guilt is not a consequence. It's an aftereffect of bad actions on the conscience.
>>17234027
>If the spouse doesn't forgive them
See, but in this case he hasn't even told the spouse yet. You can't skip to feeling guilty and then repentant without first coming clean and dealing with the consequences of it first.
>>17234044
It is bad. But it's rarely people who haven't made mistakes that need help. I don't know op and that's why jm not judging. I fully realise what he's said and not excusing. I just think we have a snapshot of 1 event in ops life. People are not defined by 1 action.
>>17234044
>>17234059
I see your logic, but my question is this: assuming OP never cheats again, why is it better for him to come clean and tell the truth? The result will be this:
1. She knows the truth
2. She is hurt
3. She forgives him (or doesn't) and stays with him (or leaves him)
4. She no longer trusts him
vs. if he never tells her
1. She is none the wiser and lives her life as before
2. She never knows that her spouse cheated on her and continues to trust him.
3. Everything stays the same as before he cheated.
To me, the second option is the least hurtful to her. She's not being made a fool, because nobody knows about the affair. If OP never cheats again, then she isn't continuing to lose her guy to another woman.
Never mind OP being "punished" or "facing the consequences" of his actions. This isn't about making him miserable. It's about avoiding ruining his gf's life.
Yes, he shouldn't have done it, but now it's done, so the only thing left to do is try and have the best outcome for his girlfriend.
"She should break up with him and things will be better for her" is an idiotic response because you have no idea how she feels/will feel about him, what she has invested in their relationship, or if she would forgive him or not.
To all of the people opting to stay quiet, would you rather your significant other tell you if they cheated on you or would you rather live in ignorance?
>>17234086
>assuming OP never cheats again, why is it better for him to come clean and tell the truth?
Because it is the ultimate act of trust and loyalty to his partner.
Relationships are built and sustained on communication and trust. To hide the knowledge of his actions, he is showing dishonesty and manipulating her trust for him. She deserves to know who her partner is, flaws and all. He is a cheater. She needs to know this and accept and determine for herself if she wants to be with him. By hiding this knowledge, he is taking away her choice.
>>17234120
I would rather they tell me IF:
- It happened more than once
- It was someone who we both know
- Our relationship wasn't amazing and I couldn't see myself marrying her
- Other people knew about it
- It was more than just sex, like there was some emotional involvement
But, say, if it was some stranger she got drunk & fucked in Puerto Rico during her bachelorette party before our wedding... I'm not so sure I'd want to know
>>17234120
I'd want to know if it happenned more than once.
It was symptomatic of a separate issue
She didn't use contraceptives. I don't want an std
>>17234086
This
>>17234086
>1. She knows the truth
>2. She is hurt
>3. She forgives him (or doesn't) and stays with him (or leaves him)
>4. She no longer trusts him
>vs. if he never tells her
>1. She is none the wiser and lives her life as before
>2. She never knows that her spouse cheated on her and continues to trust him.
>3. Everything stays the same as before he cheated.
>To me, the second option is the least hurtful to her.
There are many things you seem to be missing from these two results so let me help you out
>She knows the truth
>She is hurt
>(if)she forgives him and stays, their relationship will be rocky but ultimately stronger if op is truly repentant and determined to rebuild what they have together
>more communication is had between the two to identify the reasons op cheated in the first place, thus making their understanding of each other stronger
vs
>(if) she doesn't forgive him and leaves
>She knows the truth
>she is hurt and no longer trusts him
>goes through trust issues with relationships if she doesn't have them already
>may or may not find a spouse that will help her move past those demons
vs if he never tells her
>she is none the wiser and lives her life before
>she never knows that her spouse cheated on her and continues to trust him.
>everything stays the same as before he cheated
>everything stays the same, meaning the same problems that caused him to cheat already will still be present and not communicated
>relationship gets weakened to the point where op cheats again
>she is none the wiser as it continues to happen
>she is given no choice but to live with a liar and a cheater
Which is ultimately more hurtful to her now?
As a white european male I can just tell you - cheating is a-ok. It's our heritage. Lords and Kings and shit always did it. Look at all the bastards they spawned in history.
>>17234192
>everything stays the same, meaning the same problems that caused him to cheat already will still be present and not communicated
>relationship gets weakened to the point where op cheats again
>she is none the wiser as it continues to happen
>she is given no choice but to live with a liar and a cheater
You didn't read the part where I said "assuming OP never cheats again"
I was giving OP the benefit of the doubt - maybe this was just a moment of weakness where something he had wanted for a long time (to fuck his online friend) finally became possible and he took the opportunity despite his current situation. If it never happens again, then how exactly is their relationship worse off?
>>17234231
He planned it. There is no doubt.
He did it because it could be his only chance to fuck an online crush.
He will cheat again at any other "only chance" he finds conforting.
>>17234247
Those are all assumptions that you made after reading a few sentences typed by OP. Maybe you're right, but you missed the point. 'Benefit of the doubt' was the key word there.
>>17234231
>If it never happens again, then how exactly is their relationship worse off?
Their trust has already been violated on his end by his decision and action of cheating. By hiding it, he is manipulating her into being with him under false pretenses.
>maybe this was just a moment of weakness where something he had wanted for a long time (to fuck his online friend) finally became possible and he took the opportunity despite his current situation.
But, what caused this moment of weakness? What factors, external or internal caused him to ultimately decide it was ok to get on a train with the INTENTION to cheat on his spouse? I can guarantee you no person just decides to cheat because its a fun thing to do. There are factors. He doesn't love his spouse anymore, he's not ready for commitment, things are currently rocky in his relationship. All of these things are only able to come out if he admits to his actions with his partner. If he settles on living with it, that guilt will eat him away for the rest of his days with her probably boiling into paranoia of her faithfulness, or anger and resentment of himself, all things that will cripple the relationship, have the truth come out anyway and end with a breakup.
>>17234259
>So that's it, I just travelled across the country to be with a girl and cheat on my my partner (with a girl Ive known online for years, this was our one chance to meet and act out a romance we had that never really died)
Can you read?
>>17234259
Well you sure are assuming things by giving him benefit of the doubt.
>>17234260
>Their trust has already been violated on his end by his decision and action of cheating. By hiding it, he is manipulating her into being with him under false pretenses.
True, but those false pretenses have no tangible effect on the relationship as long as he doesn't openly manifest his guilt to his partner.
>But, what caused this moment of weakness? What factors, external or internal caused him to ultimately decide it was ok to get on a train with the INTENTION to cheat on his spouse? I can guarantee you no person just decides to cheat because its a fun thing to do. There are factors. He doesn't love his spouse anymore, he's not ready for commitment, things are currently rocky in his relationship. All of these things are only able to come out if he admits to his actions with his partner.
I can't say I know every detail about OPs motivation to cheat, but it is possible that it was a fantasy he had been harboring in the back of his mind for a long time, and he decided to act on it. Yes, those factors you mentioned can come into play in some relationships, but they aren't always the reason people cheat. Sometimes it simply boils down to an insatiable carnal urge. In OPs case it just seems like a fantasy that grew and grew on him.
>If he settles on living with it, that guilt will eat him away for the rest of his days
Not if he's able to forgive himself
>with her probably boiling into paranoia of her faithfulness, or anger and resentment of himself, all things that will cripple the relationship, have the truth come out anyway and end with a breakup.
None of this will happen if he never tells her and moves on like nothing ever happened.
If he continues to cheat, continues talking to this online girl, continues to deceive and manipulate his gf - yes it will end badly.
If he puts a stop to it now and never mentions it, doesn't dwell on it, and never acts on those urges again, it will be like it never even happened.
>>17234275
>He will cheat again at any other "only chance" he finds conforting.
that's the assumption I was referring to you idiot.
>>17234279
Yep, that's what the benefit of the doubt is. Assuming the best in someone rather than assuming the worst.
>>17234310
>i can't say i know every detail about OPs motivation to cheat
He said the reason on the first line, how dense are you?
>details
You don't need details, you want details so you can have excuses.
>>17234316
>assuming the worst.
There's no need to assume. OP already did the worst by cheating.
>>17234321
I was responding to this:
>But, what caused this moment of weakness? What factors, external or internal caused him to ultimately decide it was ok to get on a train with the INTENTION to cheat on his spouse?
He just said it was an online romance that never died. I'm not a reactionist idiot like you, so when I give advice I don't act like I know every single detail and circumstance of the situation.
I don't care about excuses; this isn't even about me. I'm just giving OP my advice on what I think is the best course of action for him and his relationship now that he fucked up.
>>17234310
>as long as he doesn't openly manifest his guilt to his partner
He will. In some way, shape or form he will manifest it because their relationship HAS changed. He cheated.
>Sometimes it simply boils down to an insatiable carnal urge. In OPs case it just seems like a fantasy that grew and grew on him.
Then, he's not ready for a committed relationship and does not deserve to be in one, especially if he decides to hide it.
>Not if he's able to forgive himself
It is selfish and unfair of him to forgive himself for actions he committed against his partner while she has no part to play in that. She deserves to know because he cheated ON HER.
>>17234347
He said he took the train so he and the girl could ACT their romance.
Do you seriously need more than that?
Why are you trying so hard to make his, clearly objective, words subjective?
>>17234347
>I'm just giving OP my advice on what I think is the best course of action for him and his relationship now that he fucked up.
But its not just his relationship, its their relationship. Telling him to hide it and act like nothing happened is terrible advice because it gives him a pass for his actions and makes it seem like he did nothing wrong when he did. Even if he does feel guilty, to hide the truth from his partner ultimately benefits him because he is put in control, like he was when he cheated. He gets to decide that he's past it or not and move on from it, which is selfish. He is in a relationship and he violated that relationships trust. He needs to answer for it, not hide it and pretend nothing happened.
>>17234358
I agree with everything you're saying. What you're offering is the most moral, truthful and just route to take. I just think that, *IF* OP were able to put a stop this affair, forget about what he did and move on, the low road (never telling a soul) will cause the least pain. No, it's not right or fair, and she doesn't deserve that, I agree. It's just the most practical.
>>17234372
Do you know how long OP has been with his gf? Past experiences they've shared? How much they love each other? If you don't think contextual information is pertinent then you should leave this board.
>>17234384
Again, I'm not saying what he did was OK. I'm just not looking at this from a judgemental viewpoint - that he did something wrong, and deserves punishment for it. I'm speaking pragmatically. OP feeling guilty, being shamed, being punished - none of those are going to make his girlfriend feel better.
The thing that will have the LEAST negative affect on his girlfriend's emotions is if she never finds out at all. This is a fact - whether it's right or wrong, despicable, manipulative, whatever is irrelevant, speaking practically. It's just a sad fact is all.
>>17234393
>It's just the most practical.
We are going to have to agree to disagree on that, anon. Because everything you are advising, while easy to say, in action is very difficult to accomplish and very rarely done correctly (e.g the spouse never finding out and life going on with no great changes from that point).
You know that saying "the truth will set you free"? In this regard, it is the easiest and least painful route to take because everything is laid bare and is straightforward. Tell the truth, deal with the consequences.
>>17234424
>whether it's right or wrong, despicable, manipulative, whatever is irrelevant,
Is it really? Wouldn't you want to give op advice that makes him the most decent person he possible could be to his gf and himself in general?
>>17234424
Yeah my bad. If he is with her for less than 3 months, hasn't had a date with candlelights on top of a building, and doesn't love her more than 60love it is objectively OK for him to cheat her.
>>17234441
Very well. I think you're right in some circumstances, but I think my advice could be effectively applied in others. It's up to OP to decide what he thinks is best.
>>17234453
I don't know. Maybe sometimes the ends justify the means? I believe there are exceptions to every rule, and every belief should be questioned and challenged from multiple points of view. Lying is bad, yes, but I do not believe telling the bare truth 100% of the time is always the best course of action. Maybe it is in this case; but maybe not.
>>17234460
You're just glossing over my posts and putting words in my mouth. Here's your (You) but these other posters are actually contributing to a debate while you're just freely shitposting.
>>17234490
You are the one saying you are giving him the benefit of the doubt when there is no doubt.
You act like you need to have a complete report on their relationship to reach a conclusion.
He said planned to travel to meet a woman and, with her, cheat his current girlfriend and you insist you need to know more than that. If you were a judge nobody would ever be convicted of murder because even though they admited plannig and executing murder you don't have enough insight to not give the person the benefit of doubt.
>>17234514
The benefit of the doubt is that he might not do it again. If you were a judge all convicts would be automatically assumed to be repeat offenders and jailed for life. I'm just admitting I can't see into the future and know how OP is going to behave. You're somehow 100% certain he is going to cheat again.
>>17234521
You can't assume convicts will be repeated offenders because they have not being penalised and reeducated, only after that you can conclude anything. You on the other hand don't want them to face justice because they might not commit crimes again.
I said he will cheat again because his reason for cheating was that he didn't want to.miss an opportunity; this reasoning can be applied to almost anything because there will always be missed opportunities when you are given one choice or another.
>>17234546
OK. I think that there is a chance OP won't cheat again. You think it's certain he will. Agree to disagree.
>>17234556
I'm not certain he will cheat again.
I'm certain his reasoning is just rationalization for a clear conscience.
He created an excuse for himself and probably will create another, given the chance.
