Married anon here.

The spark does eventually fade. Your life does fall into a routine after a while. You see more problems in the relationship, and it becomes more work to maintain. That magical "think about them and everything is perfect forever" is gone.

However, in a good relationship, this does not mean the love has died. It's just a calmer, quieter love; the kind of slow burn that can endure. You're best friends, you trust each other absolutely, you communicate and work together and tackle problems for and with each other.

There was some quote I read a long time ago, that went something like this: Love is not two people staring at each other, it is two people looking together towards the horizon. As cheesy as that is, I'd say it's accurate.

Relationships are not all fun and exciting. A lot of people expect them to be and that puts a lot of pressure on people to always be fun and exciting. And it also means some people are always chasing the honeymoon period, that magical drunken love at the beginning that always fades with time. The end of the honeymoon period, though, is often where most relationships end, because when the magic fades people often realize there isn't enough to stand on anymore.

Long story short: honeymoon period is "think about your partner and everything is magically better". But the love that endures beyond it is more like "I am with this person and the way they help me / the way we work together makes everything better."

>>17228991
thanks for your kind wisdom.

I understand what you are saying. I'm at a point of . okay well. is this going to work long term?

I find in the relationship I am running circles around her. I feel as if I don't have a choice in the matter of things. Having a job, staying healthy, expanding my learning and going after goals. I feel with her all that is more a choice. Sure she has to have a job. but it's going to come with excuses / complaining.

I've listened to her intently throughout the relationship. Been patient and really tried my hardest to show her what I think / my attitude. and hell sometimes I just listen.

It's frustrating to date someone that wants things. But doesn't do much to go after them. She is progressing but in a slow slow manner. As time goes on I feel there is more pressure on me to commit / make more decisions. Okay what does she expect as time goes on VS what I expect.

I feel my expectations are very basic. Have a job, pay off loans, stay healthy, and go after goals.
Her expectations tend to be more of a "girly" type things. moving in, vacation, and some sort of present / gift. (shes not an air head person).

I like buying her things / doing things for her. but it all falls apart when I don't get the basic things, and what I want in a relationship. Is basic shit for her. full time job, pay off loans etc.

at time shes freaked out and been like
"if you were the one you would move in with her."

Where I can only respond with.
"you need a full time job, I don't feel comfortable moving in with someone that relays on part time work".

There tends to be this feeling of "I told you so". in the relationship. I'm not even the type to wanting to be right all the time. just basic shit.

>>17229029
at times it feels like im dating a little girl.

I hope for the day she becomes a woman and understand.
"damn if I want these things with him I'm going to have to work hard and stop complaining / making excuses."

I get no one is perfect. but fuck sometimes I feel like she doesn't think beyond her own dumb emotions.

life is what you make it. just seems like shes all excuses and wants things to magically happen for her. or "someday" things will change.

>>17229029
If you're having doubts and you haven't even lived with her, then there's probably something wrong. It's up to you to value to relationship and determine if it's worth it to work through it.

It sounds like you're getting tired of working through it, though.

Sometimes my marriage becomes work, and sometimes a recurring problem can get frustrating or tiring, but I haven't once doubted the future of this relationship or if it was worth it to stay. The work itself was annoying but the value of the relationship was so high that doing the work was a no-brainer.

If you find yourself constantly doubting if it's worth it, that's likely to either get worse or get more tiring as you go.

>>17229042
thanks for the advice again.

>If you find yourself constantly doubting if it's worth it, that's likely to either get worse or get more tiring as you go

this means a bunch to me.

I just find myself in a position of always being patient / understanding. Then when I try to bring this up I'm met with defensiveness. then her wanting to me to see it her way / be more patient.

I just have no idea where this is going to go.

I guess I thought. shit if I meet someone I have really good connection with and we get along then we can work through our problems.

not to sound like that boyfriend. but it feels like I do A LOT of work in the relationship.

>>17228991
>It's just a calmer, quieter love

This 100%. You don't realize how much you love someone until they're gone.

>>17229057
Sorry for the late response, had to go to bed.

Yeah, I get the patience thing. If you're the more stable one in the relationship, that can happen a lot. But sometimes even the stable one needs support, and if you can't get it when you need it then you're not in a good position to be the support anymore.

My mother had a pretty similar mindset to you: If two people are smart/communicative enough, they can work out anything. She got married on that principle, but she and my father ended up being a terrible emotional match. Things ended badly for them.

I still agree that communication and connection is going to be the biggest thing that keeps a relationship together, but I learned vicariously through my mother that sometimes people just don't match. Especially if they don't try to match.

It could be worth it to work it out. How explicitly have you told her that you need her support sometimes and you feel like you never get it? Have you told her that you're becoming unhappy with the relationship? This is something you need to make clear.

This is a bit of a shot in the dark here here, based on a hunch. Has she been checked for depression or some other cause for her unmotivated behavior such as hypothyroidism? If she has been diagnosed with something, is she on treatment?