I'm in an LDR. He's the nicest person I ever met and was also the nicest person irl the one time we met, but I don't feel like conversation comes as naturally from me with him for some reason. We just small talk and never really talk about being in a relationship other than when we confirmed we felt the same way for each other a few times. Is that normal? I don't want to stress him out with unpleasant talk, he's busy with exams for a while... I'm not sure I can handle an LDR. I feel like a complete asshole. But he still hasn't told his family other than one sister about me after almost a year. I also don't know why he even likes me.
Sounds like thehoneymoon period is over, or he's nervous about it. Is he confident in general?
>>17206880
He's not confident, no. A bit of a doormat at times, from the way I've seen him interact with others online.
>>17206884
Than that's it. Doormats are nervous, and are afraid of talking openly and steer conversations towards small talk because they lack self confidence and give way too much weight to others' opinions about them. They want to please others and appear nice.
To be honest you sound like a side-thing for him that he's not really interested in being serious with. An LDR is a huge commitment and it can only work with a lot of work from both parties. From what you've said he's not putting that work in and you're obviously unhappy if you're posting this thread.
>>17206895
That... Makes a lot of sense, actually. Thank you.
His parents are very controlling and part of me wonders if he just likes me because I'm the only one who acknowledges he has negative emotions. He's kind of popular online, but he never mentions me to anybody. And he'll probably want someone more sensible to be with once the novelty of me being 'feisty' wears off.
>>17206902
I was crying earlier and felt like I was going to throw up. There were other things bothering me, but that was the biggest thing. I don't cry often at all.
I'm a bit tired of being the low maintenance thing, you know? People treat me like I'm a cactus when I'm a normal plant like everyone else. I need a bit of water and stuff.
>>17206880
Why do you date a doormat?
>>17206940
This. It sounds like it's OP's first relationship.
>>17206940
He's nice. I never feel like he's going to get angry at me. Maybe because we never really talk about anything that either of us could get angry about. And when we were walking together in the city I felt safe even though we were alone and I had only met him face to face that day.
>>17206955
Won't you mind wearing the pants in the relationship?
>>17206954
I've dated once before, but he treated me more like a friend he kissed and held hands with sometimes. The guy I'm in the LDR with has only dated one other girl before... Not sure he ever got over her, from the way he posted about the relationship on some forums.
I really don't know how relationships work or are supposed to work.
>>17206960
I'd rather it would be a bit more equal, to be honest.
>>17206955
lol i was in a loving srs ldr 4 a bit
idunno seems like u should cut ur ties
good luck
>>17206933
Controlling parents make people doormats.
Yes, you are right about that he most likely likes you because you acknowledge his negative emotions. People like him are attracted to care and niceness because they had more than enough of only getting some acknowledgement for performance. The problem with people like him is that they need constant niceness and care because they get passive aggressive otherwise, and their independence is eradicated from them so they only please people to get positive feedback. They need someone to lead them.
>>17206979
I don't want to mess him up before his exams.
I'll wait for a month after and see how things are. That's reasonable, right?
>>17206982
If that's the case, ouch. He's never really been annoyed with me, though. Even when I'm not that nice to people who only use him as a shoulder to cry on.
Would asking him why he likes me be okay to do?
>>17206993
Sure, you can ask, but I don't think you will get a real deep answer than a list of your positive qualities. He isn't annoyed with you because you could be the only girl who gives him something positive and not uses him as a doormat. He got used to being used and controlled, you gave him something different. You could probably get away with anything and he will still love you because of his low self esteem.
If you like him and want to go with it, go ahead, but you will need to help him gain confidence and independence from his parents. If you achieve that, his doormatness will be also better. You just need to realize that at this point the leadership role is yours and you need to act responsibly with it if you want good for him.
>>17207009
Fuck.
If I'm still not happy after a couple of months, will I be a bad person for ending it? I don't want to crush him. Fuck.
>>17207012
What's missing?
>>17207017
I don't know.
I just wish I could talk to him as easily as even my online friend. It's like I'm holding myself back, even though I try not to act differently from how I normally would.
And I know he'd probably be more unhappy than me if it got really serious. I'm not super trashy or anything, but I wouldn't be a respectable girlfriend for a lawyer. And I'm white and from the sounds of it his family wouldn't like that.
And, I'll be honest. Sometimes I wish I could just have a hug. I can't remember the last time someone hugged me and I feel very lonely sometimes.
>>17207182
Be honest and talk to him about this. Don't hold yourself back. Visit him. LDR-s only work if you visit regularly. You're a woman. As long as you're loving, caring, and act decent, that's more than respectable. Why do you think he would be unhappy? What race is he from?
>>17207193
I can only afford to go up once in a while, and I don't want to take advantage of his generosity...
I'm not sure I'm up to the work this relationship would need. I know I'll never do better and his studies are super important, it's been a bit rough. I just want someone I can feel the weight of next to me.
He's Taiwanese. And I can just be a bit much, you know? I'm not that much of a catch, personality-wise. But that's a bunch of different issues that have nothing to do with him.
>As long as you're loving, caring, and act decent, that's more than respectable.
You mean for deciding to call it off if it comes to that?
>>17207212
And would eventually asking him about the other relationship he had be okay?
I don't want any super personal details or anything. It's just the couple times he's posted about that relationship on forums it sounded deep and intense. I don't know if I could measure up to someone who could get him like that. She must have been some sort of angel.
>>17207216
Have some self confidence, if you always feel worthless, that's not attractive. I'd give you more advice but I need to go now. If you want, write me an email at [email protected]
>>17207227
I'm normally borderline vain and kind of full of myself. Part of it is I'm very tired and am worried about unrelated things.
I need to go get some sleep, but I might shoot you an email. Thank you.
