So I recently started playing a tabletop RPG with a group. It's fun, I like it.
Everybody's obviously pretty nerdy, but there's one in particular that seems like he's not at all used to interacting with women.
He's super awkward and doesn't really seem to be able to filter between what's something you can say on the internet and what's something you can say IRL to someone's face.
Mostly he makes a lot of "jokes" about women at my expense - they're not really jokes, more intended to be witty remarks "haha are you going to try and seduce the enemy?" (in a situation where that wasn't even an option and nobody was suggesting that), "is [character name] on a diet?" (when I asked about what foods were stored in d building), "I bet your character could seduce anyone, male or female", "I never thought I'd say this, but I guess we'll have to follow the woman (me)", "since you're a women, do you think we should stop and ask for directions haha" etc etc
Also a whole bunch of blond jokes, all directed at me, even though we have three blond guys as well.
It makes me uncomfortable. Not hurt or offended really, it just makes me feel awkward and out of place. Like, I know I have a vagina. You don't have to keep reminding me.
I get that he's not trying to be mean or anything. He's socially awkward and in his mind it's probably meant to be playful banter. Nobody finds it funny though. I don't know how to react, so I usually just pretend I don't hear.
So how do I get him to stop?
Should I tell him in person?
Or in text?
Right after a "joke"?
Or before/after a session?
Should I instead ask the DM for advice? (a super reasonable guy who he might be more comfortable getting criticized by since he seems to go into brainfart mode around women)
>>17189188
Nice dubs.
You can't handle the bants.
If you complain you'll disintegrate the group.
Just leave and find another.
>>17189222
Nobody else does it though, and it's only ever directed at me.
>>17189238
OK here's the underlying mechanics.
This guy likes you as a friend and is doing the man friend thing to you.
If you react in a negative way he will be incredibly hurt. He will leave. The people who enjoy his company will be hurt. They will leave. You might think they don't, but they do.
You will be responsible for the destruction of the group. Because you couldn't handle the bants.
Either live with it or excuse yourself.
>>17189238
It sounds like he is trying to flirt with you in his own weird way.
Either that or he doesnt like the fact that a girl is now at a game that was previously all guys.
Either way the problem is his, not yours. If no one else is laughing then they are probably cringing about the jokes as much as you are, so dont worry about it.
Maybe speak to one of the other guys there that you know well and ask if they know what his deal is? I agree with >>17189222 that you definitely shouldnt complain about him or confront him at this stage when you dont know how the rest of the group feel about him, but dont let him push you out.
>>17189249
What I don't get is, he doesn't "banter" with anyone else. Nobody in the group knew each other before we started playing, it's not like I entered as an outsider into a group of friends
>>17189250
Maybe talk with the DM then?
>>17189188
it's just like what you'd do if this was happening at work. You talk to the supervisor(DM) instead of confronting the employee(this d bag) directly. The DM will either tell him to cut the shit, or tell you to nut up. if it's the latter, probably not best to stick around.
>>17189271
It's as you say. He doesn't know them so he won't bants them. He likes you, so he's going to bants you.
Just try to appreciate that this guy likes your company. He doesn't want to single you out or expose you. He's being friendly.
If that is totally beyond you, then there's no way to salvage the situation. This exact scenario had played out a million times whenever a woman intrudes on a male dominated hobby. The result is always the same. Everyone gets hurt and leaves.
Honestly, I think you just have different tastes in humour. I know if I didn't play pathfinders with close friends I'd probably get kicked out of the group because my humour is worse than they guy your describing, except I take jabs at everyone.
>>17189339
That's the thing, if he did take shots at everyone, I wouldn't mind. I just feel singled out, and it bothers me that it's always about my gender.
>>17189301
Well, his way of showing he likes me makes me not like him.
>>17189282
If I brought it up to he DM, he'd absolutely take me seriously. I guess it just instinctively feels like "snitching" to me.
>>17189398
If you can't relax and handle the bants, then the whole thing is doomed.
Burn your character sheet and send your dice to Finland to be crushed by a hudraulig bress.
suck his dick
>>17189271
>>17189398
Well what I meant was to try and bring it up in a joking way in general conversation rather than looking like you are properly complaining about him.
>>17189398
You could just tell him, "hey I feel kinda awkward that you only bant at me. I don't mind the bants, but I'd appreciate it if you could share the love"
>>17189188
> interest group exists and thrives by itself
> newcomer joins
> newcomer dislikes how the group operates
> newcomer decides to break the group rather than find a new one
why?
>>17189432
it doesn't sound like that's the case at all. She's actively trying not to break the group up by asking for advice.
>>17189444
OP also said no one in the group knew each other before they made the group. So it sounds like she is one of the original group members.
>>17189432
It's his first time playing a tabletop RPG too, and we all met through a boardgame club that I run.
Like I said, it's not like I entered into a group of friends and expected them to change the way they act.
Grab him after a session and tell him that his jokes, while not offensive are unfunny and create an awkward atmosphere and ask him to stop it. That's it. If he keeps at it after that look at him with pic related expression while saying nothing until he becomes flustered.
>>17189463
Why are you utterly incapable of understanding what's going on?
Or the consequences of what you plan to do?
I told you, this exact situation has played out hundreds of thousands of times in any number of online games, hobby clubs and groups. It won't be any different here.
It's abundantly apparent that you're too stubborn to handle the bants for what they are, so you have two choices left.
Leave and the group stays intact but happy without you.
Be selfish and speak up. The group breaks up and you leave anyway.
There's no alternatives unless you handle the bants. I don't know how I can make this any more simple or palatable.
I find your comments...
>rolls dice
>consults charts
...awkward and uncomfortable. I would appreciate it of you would...
>rolls dice
>consults charts
...tone it back a little, please.
>>17189500
I've been in the board game community for a long while and never had any issues there.
It's just this one guy.
I frankly don't care if he does it because he likes me. If I threw up on people i liked, would that be okay just because to me it was a show of affection?
Constantly alluding to how he would fuck me or my character makes me uncomfortable.
I don't see why he shouldn't be able to hear "hey, can you not do those kinds of jokes" without ragequitting and breaking up the group, because that's honestly childish.
>>17189188
Ask the DM to intervene or bring up how it makes you feel directly the next time he makes a "joke". Erryone normally gathers under the assumption that we're all here for fun. If other people are having fun at your expense, and it isn't fun for you, then something it wrong.
>Muh bantz
Thats for a specific kind of group.
For instance my Monday group has my gf, and we don't make asian specific racists jokes during those sessions. Even though we have another asian in the same group who loves those jokes.
Wednesday is different, it's the same group except my gf and one other swap out. It's loaded with 'bants', various fun yet mean spirited comments that would typically only be found here.
That's only because we understand the context of that table, though.
I'd never say half the shit that I do at that table on Mondays.
Why? Because it's easier for me to not make comments and have everyone have a good time. Than it is for me to make mean comments and still get everyone to have a good time.
The person you are playing with is being a fgt, tell him to gtfo fag.
>But it'll hurt Muh table/muh group
Literally websites devoted to finding/replacing people.
Local Game Stores
Ect
>>17189500
kys
>>17189554
It's not a rage quit. He's going to be so fucking ashamed he will have no choice but to stand up and leave. You're new to male interaction so maybe you havent obseved this yet, but I assure you, this is how it plays out every time without fail.
You think you know better, then take the chance. I one hundred percent guarantee the campaign goes on ice for the forseeable future. If you like these people, leave. If you want to trash their campaign, speak up.
>>17189571
Go fuck yourself nigger.
>>17189592
>He's going to be so fucking ashamed he will have no choice but to stand up and leave
I'm a guy who used to be very awkward with women in highschool and used to hang out with a lot of people like that guy. I can tell you that the chances of him just leaving because he feels ashamed are really small. And even if he does, it's still better to just tell it to his face. He acts like a sperg and he needs to realize it and grow out of it.
>>17189592
holy fucking plebiscite autismo, batman. You have to be kidding me. "Bants"? What the fuck is this, the high school cafeteria? DnD may cater to special faggot snowflake syndrome, but there's no reason to tolerate that shit when someone who's parents didn't educate them on basic social decency takes it too far. The fact that you're an apologist for this dude is even more pathetic. There's just no reason to be shitty to someone just based on their gender, and if this dude can't figure that out, OP is well within her rights to call him out.
To OP - you said this isn't a closeknit group of friends, so this other jackass that claims you're break up the group just isn't right. The group didn't exist before all this, so in theory there is equal loyalty to everyone. You have a few options - play his own game. Give as good as you get. If he says snarky, shitty things, you can return in kind. Alternatively, you can take him aside and tell you have beef, and why. Thirdly, you can speak to your GM, appeal to the other players, etc. Ultimately you have to be responsible for the way you're treated on some level, you can't just sit back and hope things work out for the best. Good luck, OP. Don't listen to the virgins in this thread, they value slaying the dagrons and making cheap jabs at pussy they'll never get a taste of over doing the right thing and being a decent human being.
>>17189592
That's my point, I'm not new to male interaction. Have you ever been to a board game club?
>>17189626
You're an immasculated fuckstain. Stop posting.
>>17189628
You havent been on a male sports team you won't understand. Just go back to playing pirate flux and make another dnd group when you can.
>>17189618
>He acts like a sperg and he needs to realize it and grow out of it.
This, it'll help him in the long run
>>17189644
No, I'm not a recycled piece of dogshit. Grow up, get laid, and realize that women are people too. Seriously, "bants"? You must be fucking 12. And LOL about being on a male sports team. Athletes and basement virgins like you don't mix, everything you "know" about sports you learned from television, or spying on your high school football team when they showered.
>>17189500
>asking him to change his behavior and preconceptions is stupid
>you should change your behavior and preconceptions
>>17189222
>>17189249
I feel like there's a difference between being able to handle the banter when everyone's slinging shit for the fuck of it, and being able to handle the banter when it's just from one guy who doesn't like you very much.
I'm a guy and we had one guy like this in my college computer science group (all guys so maybe not comparable) who was just really fucking mean to this one other kid, not in a "haha I fuck your mom lol" kind of way, in a "you smoke weed so it's probably for the best that your brother died", making jokes about the 'natural selection' of his family members dying the holocaust, you get the idea. Just real fucked up shit.
We called him out on it and he said we couldn't handle the banter, but I feel like there's a line that has to be drawn somewhere, you know?
>>17189681
The guy in my group is nowhere that bad. He's not trying to be mean, he's just bad at reading people I guess and doesn't notice that nobody laughs.
>>17189188
Don't throw the same kind of treatment back on him, OP. You'll only seem like a passive aggressive bitch to the rest of the group, and it won't help you in the long run.
I personally would not run to the GM or to the other members, either, since then you're just talking shit about someone behind his back, and it could spark animosity in the group.
The most direct, effective way would be to pull the dude aside after a session, especially if during said session he says something akin to what you've described in your original post, then firmly but compassionately / fairly call him out on it.
Doing it in front of the group might make things awkward, and I would reserve that option for only if you think the guy would talk shit about you behind your back should you talk to him about the issue privately.
You could say something like this:
"(Insert his name,) comments like that make me feel really uncomfortable. You've made similar remarks in the past, and I would like to address them now. I'm really enjoying the time that we all spend here together, and I think we all make a great team; it's just that comments like that belittle me, and I really don't appreciate it. I'm not angry with you, just sincerely asking you to please stop making those kinds of comments about me."
>>17189695
And I would like to qualify further:
If you feel threatened, or if you think it would become a serious issue, then the situation would warrant talking to the GM privately first. That, or if you have a good friendship with the GM, you could alert him to your feelings and then let him know that you will handle it compassionately.
It also depends on how you bring the issue up to the other members of the group, if you plan to talk to them about it first. You never want to seem like you are trying to pigeon-hole your teammate.
>>17189653
You must have been raised by women.
I pity you.
Regardless of our specific differences on who feel is at fault in this instance, concede the outcome. The group dies if OP decides to get upset.
The choice is leave the group intact or ruin it for the bystanders. You're as obtuse as she is if you can't agree. And you're a wilful idiot if you think otherwise.
lol what fucking banter are you guys talking about! All of the qoutes in OP sound cringey and annoying as shit. If he's their friend either sit there and take it or leave OP but talking to anyone other than him about it directly is a bad idea. Alternatively you can try to bant back so that he gets blown the fuck out and when he gets mad just tell him quit making the jokes if he can't take one. Become the alpha male.
Make a male character next time.
I'd probably get fed up and call him out in front of everybody. But the nicer thing to do is pull him aside after a session and ask him to stop. Say that you understand that he's joking, but he's overdoing it and it's making you uncomfortable. It really shouldn't be too hard. Unless he completely spergs out, that should be the end of the problem.
>>17189713
>The group dies if OP decides to get upset.
Not the guy you're responding to. I agree with you on this point and this point alone.
That being said, the guy sounds weird as fuck. I've played tabletop games with guys who single out the woman at the table and say really weird shit that would never come up in a room full of guys. Usually it's guys who can't take the same kind of shit. We had a guy named Dave in my college tabletop group who would constantly say shit like "seduce him with your big boobs/tight pussy" but when I'd say something to him like "why don't we use your huge head as a battering ram" he'd throw down his game pieces and throw a tantrum.
I'm all for banter if everyone gets the same banter, but if it's just singling one person out that's just not cool.
To the OP: not sure what kind of game pathfinder is, but I know women who have gotten around this issue by playing a character that's not in their normal range. I recall we had a DM who would consistently give the women in the group traits like "charm" and "seduction", so one girl designed her character as a gigantic gay male orc. The rest of the guys got the picture after that and it didn't involve any real life confrontations or breaking up the group.
>>17189188
just say "I have tits get over it you fucking sperg" then give him an apple so it's not that bad. You have now achieved satori and all the good things will come to you. Be prepared for a wondrous future.
Some people never grow up out of the 'he picks on you because he likes you hehe' phase, sorta like this guy >>17189592 . Just tell the DM that it makes you feel uncomfortable.
You could deal with it ingame. Throw his shit to the rust monster, set traps, hide his stuff, give an orc barbarian an elixir of love and sic him on his character, the works. He'll get the picture.
>>17189737
I've seen people sperg out because a woman wasn't playing her male character 'like a guy'. Playing a male character sometimes works, but not always.
Personally I like playing male characters, it's a new perspective. My current Changeling: the Lost character is a male and it's just interesting how different the PCs and NPCs react to you. Of course, this is an online game so no one knows I'm actually female.. imo this is the best way for women to get their tabletop fix. try roll20, OP. it's a lot less group drama. Actually, if you're really interested in roleplaying I can invite you to the next world of darkness game I'm running.
>>17189592
>He's going to be so fucking ashamed he will have no choice but to stand up and leave.
Good riddance, people like him and you need to be quarantined.
>>17189188
Just call him out on it.
"I get it, I have a vagina. Can we move on?"
This should be enough to reinforve that those jokes are getting old and fairly annoying. I recommend doing this sooner because remaining silent assumes that this behavior is okay. Just don't make a big deal and resume gaming. Unfortunately, this behavior comes with the territory. I love tabletop gaming btw, Eldritch Horror is currently my jam.
>>17189222
You're an ass, go kill yourself fagmo.
>>17189249
You're an idiot. Please drink bleach and shut up. You clearly cannot assume that this rhetoric is actually reasonable or likely to happen.
Anyone who uses the word "bants" unironically is a full fledged sperglord. It's so stupid I didn't even know it was a thing until this thread. Also, I've been on male sports teams from elementary school through ending highschool. I can confirm that my group does make stupid women/vagina jokes but they are somewhat rare. If we do have women playing with us we still make the jokes but never at them (unless it's appropriate for the situation).
Tldr fuck that faggot talking about bants and get yourself a new group, OP.
