Is financial infidelity a reason to get divorced? When do you know it it's time to move on? How do you know if you reach the point of giving up on somebody?
We don't fight usually, only over money. I am generally happy in my marriage, we have lots of things in common. I can really see a future with him if he only stops messing up with money. We generally have a blast, he is a very nice person and very affectionate.
He has major depression and ADHD. I forgot to pay his bills for almost six months and didn't tell me. Then we decided to work it out and pay the debt. I helped out, his mother and father and himself. He forgot to pay one more thing and we just got another HUGE bill he promised to pay. It was basically just a tiny little bill on a loan, but since he didn't pay in time the interest... I had the money to pay that bill also if he only told me about it.
This isn't the first time this has happened. I am completely shattered.
Depending on the state you may still responsible for the debt even if you divorce. Look up your states divorce laws and stipulations and learn a bit more before making a decision. If you do decide you want a divorce you should plan it out extensively and be prepared to spend more than you think, especially if you have children.
Finances are a big deal imo and it shows a lack of caring on his part. His debt is your debt, and putting that strain on someone in a very careless manner at that, doesn't show you much respect.
>>17185200
>you forgot to pay his bills for 6 months
>he's horrible with money!!!
>>17185221
For that particular loan he is only responsible for it, student loan.
>>17185228
He is yeah...
I don't love him any less, so that's why i am conflicted about it.
OP, yes, financial infidelity is a reason to get divorced. I recommend you speak to a lawyer to lay out your exact financial situation, depending on what the law is where you live, there may be some steps to be taken.
It is also possible to legally have your husband's financial capabilities transferred to you, and bar him from opening bank accounts, credit cards and so on.
>>17185228
I think OP means HE forgot to pay his bills for 6 months, and OP wasn't aware.
For the time being have his pay transferred into your account, or a house account that only YOU have access to. Then make a budget of everything that has to get paid and when. Then give yourselves a weekly allowance and use the rest for YOU to pay the bills.
>is X a reason to get divorced?
YES.
My mom married a hoarder. She should have divorced.
>>17185244
>I don't love him any less, so that's why i am conflicted about it.
Ok? So why are you considering divorce then? Weigh being with him vs how unhappy you'd be with his behavior.
>>17185200
Take away his authority to make any financial commitments. ALL income and outgo go through you. Let him watch you set and maintain a budget, pay bills on time, etc. He might be teachable.
You may fear that this is emasculating. It is not. He can't do it, and so you have to do it for him.
>>17185245
I only accidentally discovered it when going through some mail. Ooh actually that's one thing we haven't tired yet, I should speak to him about taking over the economy. I did actually take over the power bills and interaction with the energy company a year ago. It worked out pretty well when he wasn't in charge of that.
>>17185292
This is great advice
>>17185296
Loving someone doesn't mean it's reasonable to stay with them is it? I am sure i would still love him if he cheated on me, i would still 100% divorce him if that happened. I don't want to be the type of woman that allows anything, i want to have standards for what is okay to put me through and not.
we don't have kids yet.
>He might be teachable.
I think he is, because he was able to learn how to do basic household chores by using this ADHD app to remind him to do it. Wonder why he didn't tell the app to remind him to pay his damed bills!
>>17185338
>reasonable
>i would still 100% divorce him if he cheated
Why? What's the problem with cheating? The imagined prospect that it makes him more likely to leave? Some kind of arbitrary standard for morality? Doesn't sound reasonable to me. You need to think about why you'd divorce him. What's the point? As I said. Where do you think your life is heading if you go down either path.
>i want to have standards for what is okay to put me through and not.
But you're considering if it'd be rational or not to divorce him over this. You're asking complete strangers and not yourself if this is a big enough thing to ruin your relationship badly enough that you can't enjoy it?
>ADHD app
Sounds like you have your solution? If he can do the household stuff without issue just (make him) add that and it's sorted?
>>17185292
This is the only advice. Just give him his share of the leftover money each week in cash, and take away his access to all cards, chequebooks etc.
Only once you have done this, can you consider divorce.
>>17185200
This is not a money issue, this is a mental issues of being forgetful. Help him get better. Get him therapy, make him forget the things he's preoccupied with. (most forgetfulness stems from preoccupation in middle aged and young people). I understand that you are pissed, but being a bitch and filling for divorce won't help the situation.
Financial infidelity is one of the most common causes of divorce.
>>17185353
>But you're considering if it'd be rational or not to divorce him over this. You're asking complete strangers and not yourself if this is a big enough thing to ruin your relationship badly enough that you can't enjoy it?
I was just wondering if it was selfish or unreasonable. I am not really looking for a way out. I guess i am just confused if it's okay to stay with people that keep screwing you over economically. It does affect me, I can't really do anything fun for the next eight weeks because of the debt he put us in at the moment. It does sound kinda trivial I mean he could be abusing me ect ect, instead he has a mental illness. It's very selfish to give up on people, sometimes it just gets overwhelming.
>Why? What's the problem with cheating? The imagined prospect that it makes him more likely to leave? Some kind of arbitrary standard for morality? Doesn't sound reasonable to me. You need to think about why you'd divorce him. What's the point? As I said. Where do you think your life is heading if you go down either path.
Problem with cheating is breaking the trust, and i would be devastated if he wanted someone in that way beside me.
>You need to think about why you'd divorce him.
If I did it would be so i could build a financially stable future and save money, safe and predictable life instead of waiting for the next bill caused by him. Not live in fear of debt not put there by me. I never needed a man to be happy, I just really like him and spending time with him (beside the money issues). I am far from perfect either.
>>17185364
Hm yeah... how does one exactly "fix" people?
>>17185407
>how do you fix people
You manipulate them into feeling joy when they do what you want and shame when they don't. Much like cults do. They engrain a sense of morals that's completely dislocated from reality and is only there to serve the cult.
That's the only way.
So people who want to fix people are truly among the most disgusting on earth.
There's of course a difference between willful submission to this and involuntary. If I ask you to brainwash me that doesn't carry any particular moral issues. I wanted that.
>>17185445
Ahh I see, well i don't really think people in a relationship should have to play shrink. And trying to change a person on a massive level isn't fair. I just want him to pay his bills, but the plan is now that I pay them.
I hope that will solve the problems we have.
>>17185200
He just can't handle the money.
You're going to have to handle it for him.
>>17185472
Do what they said and have him pay his money to you or a joint account then. You paying his debt isn't really productive.
