I guess I don't really know where to start with this. I'm 24, I've been with my husband (30) for 5 years, married for 4. At the start of the relationship, he was amazing. A truly sweet guy, very caring, attentive, just an all around fantastic guy that I fell in love with. But ever since we got married he has just gotten more and more erratic. Any time we even start to get into an argument he will start saying all kinds of hurtful things to shut me down. He calls me worthless, useless, and stupid.
He has pushed me away from my friends and family over time, saying that they aren't looking out for my best interests. He's not always like that though, and it's all really confusing. He will treat me like crap one minute and then hold me tight and say sweet things to me when I'm crying. He will act jealous of me when I talk to anybody, even a stranger, and accuse me of cheating on him with them. I don't even know how to defend against it, I would never cheat on him. I love him. I just don't know why he has to hurt me like that.
It's always right when I think things are going okay that things suddenly go bad. All it takes is for me to say the wrong thing or act the wrong way and he will just tear into me relentlessly. He doesn't usually hurt me physically other than some pushing or sometimes throwing stuff at me, but it's the things he says that get to me the most.
I want to help him, I want to try to get him back to how he was at the start, but I just don't know what to do. I've tried maybe getting him to see a professional but he refuses and then says I'm just trying to call him crazy, and that I'm the one who is crazy and should see someone.
I just don't know what to make of all of this, should I see a professional? Am I crazy?
He's the crazy one. He sounds like he has some serious emotional issues that need to be taken care of
sounds like he is a narcissist and he is gaslighting and emotionally abusing you.
>Tfw I want a wife and family and am decent looking and I'm 28 and not crazy
Life's not fair 2bh. You should divorce him tho
if you catch him in a good mood maybe you should gently tell him that you love him and you're saying this in his best interest, but he needs help
op you're not crazy. something's up with him. either try to get him help or divorce him. you don't deserve that shit.
>>17178474
This looks like one of those marriages we sometimes hear about in the news where one of the married couple went total nuts after many years or physical / mental abuse and killed the other partner and possibly after such an act committed suicide :-/
>calls me worthless, useless, and stupid
>pushed me away from my friends and family
His behavior can have MULTIPLE causes:
He was a bit psycho all the time, he just managed to mask it until recently.
>run away
He takes you for granted no matter what he does so he is pushing and testing your limits. Possibly you are now nothing more than expensive decoration for his house.
>run away
He is unhappy about his current life (maybe quarter-life crisis) and sadly, if he won't talk about such problems even to his own wife, it seems to me he is a bit lost cause.
>run away
Seriously you are 24 already married. If you have no kids, divorce is quite fast and not so painful solution. If you are a greedy, you can even make quite a profit from this.
Just remember he can have total meltdown once he learns the fact you may possibly leave him. Safest way is just pack minimum possessions and move when he is at work or something. You can't be sure what he will do. Stay safe femanon.
>>17178474
I'm curious as to why you got married not just when you were 20, but only one damn year after knowing this person. Is it some kind of religious influence? Or did you think you were mature enough to handle it? Maybe you got pregnant early on?
Also he's 30 and you're 24. He's getting to that grumpy old man age, while your brain still has a year to go before it is officially fully developed. So unfortunately, you are mentally not at the same stages in life.
I feel like there is some other information you are withholding here. Did something specific happen before this behavior started that you can think of? Was it a slow build or a sudden explosion?
Regardless, his physically pushing and throwing things at you is unacceptable. I hate to bring gender differences into this, but on average women are much smaller than men physically. That's why a push from a woman to a man is extremely annoying but relatively harmless, normally. While a push from a man to a woman could have her end up with a cracked open skull - purely physically/biologically speaking. If you feel unsafe, please leave - at least until he has calmed down his erratic behavior.
>>17178474
I believe you already know what we're all gonna say to this.
we can explain and tell you everything we know and feel about this situation you're in.
he's not good, and he never was. he was masking it.
>run away
>>17178558
>Safest way is just pack minimum possessions
I'd pack up everything so he won't have any leverage to you.
break him, he's already bad he deserves it. he's abusive against you.
PLEASE run away OP
These things are ALWAYS two way streets.
I'm not blaming you- far from it. Chances are that your role in this mess is that you've let it get this bad.
Religion helps, without a doubt. If you don't have that in your marriage, this will be more difficult.
I'm married, my kids are approaching their teen years, and I feel as though my marriage gets better with time, not worse. We got a lot of our dumb mistakes out of the way early.
Many people accept bad behavior in their spouse, trying to get along, and life has a way of distracting you and encouraging you from not supporting positive growth early- too many compromises, and I say that because the problem with compromise is that no one walks away with what they want.
I suggest that you compromised with yourself too often.
So, do you guys know how to fight? Are there agreed boudaries, things you agree never to say, things like that? It helps and you can start with that- there are phrases and concepts that you can agree never to say or do to each other- my wife and I never sleep apart, and there are things we can't say to each other- and that's not hippy BS, it's two people who know each other respecting their marriage and their spouse. Other than those boundaries, we shout, fuss, yell, etc.
A marriage has to grow- if it stays static, it withers, and that means that you two grow as people, and the marriage must, too, as you change and develop.
Jealousy and irrational fears of cheating are big warning signs. They mean he is NOT feeling secure in the marriage, and that is something that you have to work on together. He alone can't smarten up, and you can't just keep trying to sooth him. That isn't addressing the problem. This is a big one, and you both have to be willing to do a lot to help each other there. You need to know why he feels insecure, and usually it's not why he SAYS he feels insecure- he may not be able to verbalize it himself.
>>17178639
What bullshit. I didn't even read it all.husband of op has psychological issues and a personality disorder. It's not her fucking fault but it's her fault for still sticking with him. Divorce him, I dumped my ex too, despite still loving him. I still knew he's only hurting me and things are beyond repair already.
cont from >>17178639
No Throwing things At Me, Ever, is a very good rule to implement right fucking now. Make him promise. You promise the same to him.
If your husband is feeling insecure, you need to come to the root problem and deal with it, not just try to say that he's wrong. That's hard, because it means really learning what he's doing right and wrong, and what you're doing right and wrong, too. If the problem is in his head, there's always things you can do to help make him feel better- and of these, cutting yourself off from your network of friends and family is the only true wrong answer, and that seems to be the direction you're going in.
Once you're married, your spouse does have the right to question whether or not your firends are 'friends of the marriage,' which doesn't mean friends of your spouse, but someone who is supportive of you in your role as a married person.
My wife had some friends, divorced women, and they were always going out on weekends, and my wife would come home late, and the women were a negative influence, not because they liked me or not, but because my wife being married cut into their fun times, and so I told her to smarten up and cut them out or not, but either way, things had to change, and I wasn't going to support her going out with those women anymore.
In the end, my wife smartened up. But I let it be her decision.
So, my opinion, your husband has the right to speak his mind about friends who aren't friends of the marriage. But I would guess that most of your friends are cool with you being married. You should be in contact with those people.
Is he wrong about your friends and family being friends of the marriage? You may decide to cut out certain family members, and that's a tragedy, but he does not have the right to do that for you, or force you to do that. You fucked up if you let him do that, and it might explain some of why he's so dominant- you let him be.
>>17178668
OK. You're projecting here. Marriages can be saved and improved. Not everyone runs away from conflict, especially when there's a core of love remaining in the marriage. Sometimes it IS too late, of course, and that's a tragedy, but we don't know if OP is at that point. You're making assumptions, and we all know that when you make assumptions, you make an ASS out of U and... umption, I guess. I'm not taking the fall for that shit. I don't make assumptions.
Ultimately, OP has to be smart- the throwing shit is a huge red flag, and the abusive behavior is a precursor, but thankfully not a guarantee of worse to come. My own concern is that OP suggests that the guy doesn't want to change, and that will, sadly, be up to OP to address.
At the end of the day, that which can not be endured won't be endured. OP isn't responsible for her husband's bad choices and bad behavior, but OP is responsible for the state of the marriage. Both people are- if you understand me, you understand that being responsible means being accountable for your part, not being culpable. If OP is doing her absolute best, there's nothing else she can do, but the marriage rises or falls based on the dynamic of two people, not one. For my own part, I don't know that I'd be staying in the same house as someone who might fire a toaster at me if there was a disagreement, but so it goes.
>>17178707
Read the fucking OP for gods sake. I'm not fucking projecting, I'm not talking about your faggot tumblr post but about your bullshit advice. You've missed the issue here completely.
I've dealt 16 years with the exactly same type of person, my very own father, to know that ops husband is fucking mentally ill.
If you don't even recognise this you're nuts too, probably.
Btw even when refusing to go to a psychiatrist back then, for about 10 years now my father kinda accepted and is on meds. Even when he tried to off himself a few times in the meantime, it really helped him a lot I think. Well I never saw him that much after my mom kinda kicked him out when I was 19 (he left and thought she'd be begging for him to stay or at least come back).
>>17178786
That's why I could see that my ex was the same type of mental and why I could break it off before it was too late. Now I'm married for 10 years in relationship for 12 and we've got three kids. And my marriage is pure bliss. I don't even need to put up with shit like how do I fix my marriage. We're a great team.
>>17178786
I'm sorry about what you went through :( I hope that things have worked out better for you in recent times.
But we do not have op's full story, only the fragments that she wrote here. When giving advice, we should try to be as objective and partial about it as we can. Comparing other people's troubles to our own can taint our advice with our own personal feelings and morals - which is a clearly rampant problem on this board. The tripfag's advice is wordy, but at least mostly from a third party perspective. Not trying to argue with you here either, this is just my outside observance on the matter :)
>>17178786
You sound nice.
>>17178805
This makes sense to me. Everyone has to know their limit. The OP hasn't said anything about reaching hers, so there may or may not be something worth saving. I already touched on the DV issue, so no need to revisit, but ultimately the OP will have to decide whether or not there's enough potential for change in her spouse and enough marriage left to salvage. Just up and telling a stranger to throw away their marriage after a 500 word essay is bad advice, but suggesting they take a good look at what they have and what they actually want makes more sense to me.
>>17178474
I think he needs reassurance that you still love him and that you don't want to leave him or be with anyone else. He has some emotional problems maybe fear of abandonment. Let him know you're there for him through thick and thin and that divorce is not an option, that your marriage is a commitment for life and you're happy with that commitment.
I'm not excusing his behavior like some may think but I'm tried of hearing "divorce his/her ass" whenever couples are having issues. These are just bumps in the road and if you both can't come together and solve the issue that's usually from a lack of trying in the first place. And people wonder why over 50% of marriages end in divorce..
>>17178879
This is beyond 'couples issues' you fucking spineless worm. If there's physical violence, that's always going to be there.
>>17178474
If you want to stay with him, talk to him when he has a good moment, and if he still doesn't listen to you, get his mother/ father (whom he has a better relationship with/ trusts more), or someone else that he trusts and can be ashamed in front involved.
Should he ever hit you leave. The first time he does it.
>>17178786
this reminded me of my dad, too. not the cheating part, but the juxtaposition between being intimate and nice with being abusive emotionally and physically. whenever my mother tried to leave he'd use me as a bargaining chip emotionally or financially corner my mother.
my dad has issues from his dad: anger issues, etc. maybe your husband is dealing w/ similar issues? my dad has chilled in his older age, but his relationship with my mother AT TIMES was horrific. he's not a bad guy, just mentally ill.
>>17178889
>spineless worm
Quit projecting, I'm speaking objectively here while you're all caught up in your emotions. I'm not condoning physical violence I'm just saying they should try to really work this out first before throwing in the towel.
>>17178918
>Muh projecting
No faggot, this is on you. People divorce for the wrong reasons all the time, yes, this isn't one of those times. Actually quite literally kill yoursef, you ass backward cunt
>>17178929
Quit acting so self righteous. You sound like a little girl when you argue. Can't control your emotions even online. That's pathetic dude.
>this is on you
There is no way this is on me. In no way shape or form. A spineless worm talks mad shit on an anonymous board because he can get away with it. I bet you got some real tight lips in real life though. I'm not saying I'm a tough guy but I wouldn't allow you talk to me like this irl (not that you would). But I'm not gonna blow up on the internet because it doesn't solve anything and makes you look ridiculous; not to mention it loses your credibility. Seriously dude get a grip you sound more emotional than OP and she's actually got shit to be upset about. I was offering my 2 cents, she can take it or leave it. Just like you.
>>17178474
Don't take this the wrong way, I'm just trying to get a clearer picture. It's very possible he's nuts and you should leave, but relationships are a two-way street. You don't even have to answer, I just want you to make an honest evaluation if you're contributing to the problem. Anybody making an OP like yours with apparently no responsibility on their end should be suspect.
>He calls me worthless, useless, and stupid.
Do you have a job and/or keep house? How are chores(/childcare?) divided up between you?
>He has pushed me away from my friends and family over time, saying that they aren't looking out for my best interests.
Are they drug-using degenerates or otherwise general low-lifes that will pull you down?
>He will act jealous of me when I talk to anybody, even a stranger, and accuse me of cheating on him with them.
Do you flirt with people a lot and aggravate his sense of insecurity? Is there a history of infidelity in your relationship that may not have been resolved?
>>17178972
You're a spineless, gormless worm
>>17179035
>Justifying abuse
>>17179177
>denying personal responsibility
>>17179177
>being illiterate
I didn't say what he did was right, I'm just saying that it's not looking at the causes that led to his behavior. "I'm offended by what you said/did" isn't an argument.
None of the questions I raised may be relevant at all. It may entirely be in his own head and he's just a shitty person. We'll never know unless OP answers.
Sorry for the slow responses, I didn't get much time to myself earlier.
>>17178558
I really don't think he would kill me if that's what you're implying, he rarely even hurts me physically.
>>17178574
He was really the one who wanted to get married more, but I think I was ready for it too. Neither of us are particularly religious, no. And no, I can't think of anything that would have set him off. All of this just kind of built up starting after we got married.
>>17178639
There isn't really anything off limits when it comes to fights, at least for him. If I tried to say half of the stuff he says to me he would most likely get completely outraged at me and never let it go. I do try to help him, but he really never seems like he wants any help with anything.
>>17178677
A lot of the people that he told me to cut out of my life were people who didn't like my husband or how he would act sometimes. He normally is only mean to me behind closed doors, but sometimes he talks badly about me around other people. Around his friends (not mine) he will sometimes just call me his crazy wife. I've had people tell me that and heard it myself on a couple of occasions. I don't really know how to approach that at all though, I feel like trying to defend myself to them would just be a complete mistake.
>>17178879
I really don't know why he would be afraid of me leaving or being with anyone else. He's the only one for me and I would never even think of cheating on him, just on moral principle alone.
>>17178891
I've tried talking to his family members a little bit, but I really get the feeling they don't like me at all. I think it probably has something to do with how he talks about me to other people, he typically blames any relationship issues we might be having on me.
>>17179035
I'm a stay at home wife right now, no kids just a cat. I do most of the chores. Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, making the bed, trash, mail, feeding our cat. I make the grocery lists and go out and get them along with other errands when he lets me use his car. He gives me money to pay the bills and lets me sort that out, but that's about it.
No, none of them were heavy drug users or anything like that as far I'm aware. I'm sure a few of them maybe did pot occasionally but it was never a major part of their lives from what I remember.
No, I'm not a flirt at all, I usually keep to myself honestly. I'm a really quiet person and I typically try to avoid attention any way I can. I've never cheated and I haven't ever had reason to suspect that he has either.
>>17179483
Thank you for answering. Most people aren't that irrational to say and do things like that in a vacuum. This guy apparently is.
Sounds like you're in for it one way or another. Keep in touch with your family and let them know you are safe. In my opinion you should be looking for an exit strategy though. Things are not likely to improve for you, and for that I'm sorry.
>>17178527
>tfw I want a wife and family and am decent looking and I'm 29 and hide my crazy extremely well
>>17179491
I don't want to leave him, I just want to help him. I just want him to be happy, and I just want him to mean it when he apologizes for hurting me.
This is why marriage is overrated and a Jew concept.
Sounds like he's taking out his emotional issues onto you. He enjoys controlling you (distancing you from family and friends, accusing you of cheating in order to make you worry about getting close with other people) and he gets a feeling of satisfaction from making you cry and then comforting you. It makes him feel powerful to see that he has a certain degree of control over your emotions. He can hurt you by saying a few words, and then comfort you by saying a few words. You being a housewife makes you even more dependent on him.
Maybe he feels out of control with other aspects of his life, so he's trying to control you.
Here's what, go see a professional and they'll help you in sorting out this whole situation. People don't seek psychotherapy only if they're the ones with a mental problem, but also when they can't figure out how to deal with a person close to them that is acting inappropriately.
Also, I'd recommend a psychologist over a psychiatrist since the latter tend to just throw pills at people's problems. Not all of them, but still a lot.
I can't stay around to really offer a lot of help but be aware that the apologizing is part of abuse behavior. If abusive people were terrible all the time then it would be easy to leave.
He needs help but it is not your job to help him. And if he won't seek help, he's not going to get better. In the end, leaving is up to you, but I guarantee you will be happier with someone who isn't like this. His behavior is not normal and not okay.
He needs to learn that this is unacceptable, and if leaving is the only way to teach him, so be it.
>>17179447
>he rarely hurts me physically
>rarely
He should never hurt you physically. Ever. And hurting you emotionally like this is still abuse.
You do not feel safe around him. You have to control your behavior in order to not upset him. He blames you for his behavior. He destroys your support network so the only person you can turn to is him. He is possessive and controlling and attacks you for doing things you haven't even done. He refuses to see there is anything wrong with him and claims he is doing you a favor, that you are the one at fault.
This is classic abuse, OP. Classic. I can't think of any way for it to be more textbook. Please, leave, for your own welbeing. He is an adult and should be able to take care of himself and control his behavior.
>>17179600
>This is classic abuse, OP. Classic. I can't think of any way for it to be more textbook.
I think I agree with this anon.
Abuse victims have a hard time in realising the situation they're in and often try really hard to deny it. This isn't just some guy having an emotional fit here and there, if that was the case you wouldn't be on /adv/ asking us what to do.
