Hello, all. Usually don't post on this board, but I need some help. Here's my story:
I've been dating my boyfriend for close to 4 years now, but lately I have been considering ending it with him. We do live together and we both live hours away from our family (4 for me, 8 for him).
Here is my reasoning:
1. Dislikes My Family: Frequently blows off my family/avoids them whenever possible and does not make an effort to accept them.
2. Sleep Schedule: Sleeps until 3-4PM usually everyday and does not make an effort to change this. When I get home from work at 5-6PM, he is just starting his work (he only works 4hrs a day). Wasted countless weekends waiting for him to wake up and do stuff together.
3. Poor Communication: He is not open with me. Days when he is visibly in a bad mood I will try to talk to him and ask how he is, and he either says ‘idk’ or just ignores me. Other times, when I try to discuss certain things, he will get super angry, start yelling at me, and make me feel like shit.
4. Lack of Motivation: For example, he doesn’t have a license and does not make an effort to get one. I have tried to get him motivated and told him I would help with this process, but he makes literally no effort. Also, I’m always the one coordinating literally everything (dinners, trips, etc.)
There are more reasons than listed above, but these are the main ones for me. I know I’m not perfect either, but this has truly been bothering me. I do love him so much and we have had such wonderful memories together, so this is really not easy. I just feel stuck and don’t really know what to do next. Any help would be much appreciated.
>>17143027
Have you come to him with these reasons and communicated effectively with him about what you don't like about your relationship?
Sounds like you're boyfriend has depression.
How is the sex?
Could he be a good father to your children?
No, I have not sat with him and discussed all of the reasons I have here at once. I have tried to talk to him on each of these issues as they happen and express my frustration. But, honestly, I'm scared to talk to him about my feelings and overall thoughts on things. I don't think he will be understanding and I can just envision a total blow out fight happening. Also, I just don't want to hurt him because I really do love him, but these issues really aren't getting any better. Any advice for how to approach this?
Buy him the book Feeling Good by David Burns. Insist that he read it.
My bf and I were having VERY similar issues, and this book helped us immensely. It's like 6 dollars on amazon, best money I've ever spent besides this one time when I got a little over 9 pounds of rhubarb for 25 cents.
Well I'm guessing all this means that you're not happy with it. And when you're not happy with a relationship you should end it, it's that simple.
Still, since you're together for so long and love him and have memories and shit you should at least give him a chance. Talk to him, tell him exactly how you feel and tell him that you're considering breaking up. Tell him that he's becoming a shitty human being and he should change that, not only for your relationship, but also for himself. He may change and you will be happy again. he most likely won't. If he doesn't, you obviously break up with him.
Good luck.
>>17143041
Yes, he definitely does. We have discussed it before and I understand that he suffers from it. I have truly tried my best to be accommodating to it and understanding, but these issues aren't getting any better and I am starting to feel unhappy as well.
>>17143054
Sorry, meant to reply to:
>>17143040
>>17143046
>>17143046
There is no easy way to have that talk. It's a last resort, before breaking up. Be calm, don't yell, don't argue. Tell him how you feel, what bothers you about him and how you think it's best for him to act from now on.
>>17143041
The sex has been good and that really hasn't been a concern. It's definitely been more infrequent since when we first started dating, but it's always really nice.
Could he be a good father to my children... Hmm. In some ways yes and other ways no. He would definitely be very loving and caring, but if these same issues are still prevalent, then it would have a poor effect on them.
don't force yourself to be in a relationship with someone that isn't improving themselves.
>>17143060
I think this is my next step, but I'm so scared. Just thinking about it is scary to me. I know I need to talk to him about everything, but can't bring myself to do it.
Also, like I said we live far away from our families and he doesn't have a car/license, so it further complicates things. Not that this should stop me from having the talk with him, but it's definitely making me more hesitant.
Also, I love him so much and he loves me, so I know it's going to be hard and super sad. I just have to remember that either these issues start getting resolved or they never will and I'll feel the same a year from now.
>>17143046
>as they happen
There's your issue. I did this too at first, thinking that it would be better to discuss it right then so he knows precisely what you're talking about. Like when a dog eats your shoe you have to discipline them that moment, otherwise they'll just be confused doggo.
Instead, I recommend you schedule a time a couple days in advance. It may seem silly because you live together, but scheduling a time to talk will make it easier for you to get his full attention and participation in the conversation. When you talk to him about these things, It's IMPERATIVE that you not begin by verbally speaking. Have a prepared letter for him to read, detailing the issues. Written word is easier to comprehend, and it's also easier to make sure you say EXACTLY what you mean, with no room for him to emotionally interpret things based on your tone. Stress that while you love him very much, communication is a big problem in the relationship and you need him to acknowledge that and try to work with you.
Then, very specifically, write exactly what the problems are. The communication issues are what I think the first 'talk' should be about. Save stuff about his sleep schedule, your family, etc. for another day. It is imperative that you both be on the same page about what is a good way to communicate first, otherwise your talks about other stuff will devolve into arguing. Have him read these links on how to communicate effectively, and read them yourself.
http://helpingmarriageswork.com/docs/resources/the-five-secrets-of-effective-communication.pdf?sfvrsn=3
http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/conflict-resolution/
From there, just talk it out. If it devolves into yelling/saying mean things at any point, just end the conversation and try again later.
This third link is just for you. If he's doing these things, consider abandoning the relationship.
http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/#tab-id-2
>>17143052
I agree with what you wrote here. I am really not as happy as I could/should be with us. I think I somehow need to bring myself to have a discussion with him on how our relationship has been going and try to understand how he feels about it. I don't mind giving him another chance, but I just don't want to drag things out forever if he really doesn't want to change. I think just having the talk would bring me to that understanding of what he wants to do about things.
>>17143079
Thank you so much for taking the time to include all of this info in your reply. What you wrote makes perfect sense and the communication issue should definitely be the first place to start.
I will definitely consider doing the written note instead of just starting with a verbal conversation. He has complained before about my 'tone' many times when we are trying to have a discussion, even when I'm being totally calm, he always somehow finds a way to bring me down and ignore what I'm saying because he feels like I have a 'tone'.
Also, I did read through your links and he does do a few thins that would be considered abuse (from your 3rd link) but they really aren't prevalent/frequent and just happen now and again.
>>17143107
>>17143107
Sure thing. I wish you much happiness and success
