I've been floundering in college for a few quarters now, and starting to realize that I'm really not cut out to get the rest of the way through and that I'm really not that good at the things I need to learn. I really have no motivation to do anything anymore, including the things I love, and just feel like a tired empty lazy excuse for a human that is wasting resources others are spending on me. The desire to kill myself has been growing incredibly strong and it's getting harder to convince myself not to. How can I find motivation to continue not just in college but in living?
>>16998722
>How can I find motivation to continue not just in college but in living?
You don't.
You just put up with it.
Tolerant with it.
Thinking about choosing to kill yourself or continue to live everyday.
The nightmare will never end till the day you die.
>>16998726
>The nightmare will never end till the day you die.
Then why shouldn't I just make the nightmare shorter?
>>16998729
Because passing your nightmare off to people who know you and who are probably quite happy is a serious dick move. No rational human being does that, so swallow your irrationality and keep living your shit situation, because yes that is one million times a better choice.
Psychotherapy?
>>16998731
I've thought of that. It's really the only thing keeping me from carrying it out, since everybody around me is just so happy (or at least content), and I don't want to ruin that. They see me (I think) as a chill, silly artist without a care in the world, if I killed myself it'd be a wake up call that nobody needs.
Doesn't stop suicide from being damn tempting, though. Enough to start rationalizing that I wouldn't be making my parents spend a fortune on my stalling education anymore if I went through with it.
>>16998722
I've been feeling like that up until recently. I graduated but I had no idea what I should do or why I should bother with anything.
Things started to change once I found something to strive for (i.e. sorting a job and moving out).
Do you think there's nothing good about yourself OP? Do you dislike who you are?
I personally think you may as well focus on finishing college first and doing the best you can even if you're not amazing at it, because otherwise you've got nothing but some wasted effort.
>>16998734
I knew a hugely successful business guy, his son got addicted to heroin at age 16. Took towards criminal tendencies and sent to jail numerous times, his dad kept him out. He almost got sent to prison for life and his dad fought the court with everything he could. Spent a fortune on rehabilitation, lawyers, bail, etc. The guy relapsed 3 times before they eventually flew him out to south america where he would have decent opportunities and absolutely zero access to heroin. He is doing fine now from what I've heard.
So this business guy was having a conversation and someone made a subtle mention of the word "junkie" talking about his son. The guy almost knocked him dead right there, said his son was a loser fuckup junkie but that he would travel to the pits of the hell before seeing his son's dead body. Don't put yourself in your parents' shoes anon.
>>16998731
I used to think this way.
Just my family's need for me to be alive has kept me going for the last 5 years, but I've only grown to resent them.
Its hard to keep telling yourself not to be selfish, when the act of them keeping me in this suffering for their own sake is also incredibly selfish.
If I were bleeding I would expect my dad to ease my suffering, so why can they not let me go now?
>>16998741
I definitely dislike who I am. I'm lazy and dislike seeking help from peers which I'm pretty sure is a death sentence in college. I've made it two years so far doing easy general ed, lower division courses and some mildly taxing coding classes, but I've hit such a hard wall recently and I just can't find it in myself to seek help. I recognize that I need a major change in my attitude and work ethic to succeed, but why bother? What am I achieving there?
There's very little that's good about me. I do get the impression that, socially, people want me around for whatever reason, I guess because outwardly I seem pretty fun and jokey. But in every other aspect, I'm just worthless. The only thing I want to do with my life is draw things or write things and try to make people think, but it all just feels so insignificant and childish.
I would probably have been more motivated by that were I actually confident in my ability to pass this upcoming quarter, but it helps a little bit, thank you.
>>16998760
Do you ever have a conversation with your family about this?
And is there nothing you want for yourself?
>>16998770
What could prove your "worth"?
Are you sure that's realistic?
>>16998779
I really don't know anymore. The ideal would be getting to draw as a job, doing commissions and drawing out the story that's been brewing in my head for six years, but that by itself is unrealistic as a self sustaining job. The next step up was to be landing a job in the game industry as a character designer or a rigger or animator or a 3D modeler. Now I just don't feel like anything would make me feel able to keep going. Maybe the track I'm trying to take to get there is absolutely the wrong one. Maybe I'm at the wrong school and need to try somewhere else. Maybe that's it, I'm just forcing myself where I don't need to go. Who knows.
>>16998791
You don't know because you don't have to prove your "worth".
How do you feel is what keeps you going.
It's the feeling that your parents and your environment (unknowingly) transmit "if you're good enough then we'll appreciate you", "you have to be...otherwise you'll be a failure" the more you learn to recognize it and your traumatic experiences, the more you'll stop feeling inadequate.
>>16998770
Dude, I was in that same position when I went to university. All my friends were so much better at understanding the assignments and I felt dumb and ashamed of myself whenever I asked for help because I felt they resented having to carry me. I struggled to get a decent mark on my work so many times. When the fact that I couldn't just coast through everything hit me in the face I hit a new low.
Do you know when that changed for me? When I got suspended from my placement (year in industry at an actual company). I fucked up royally because I was following another who thought he knew best and because I was so unconfident in my ability.
I realised that it doesn't matter if you don't know. What matters is that you're trying and doing your best. And when you do that, people see it.
There is nothing to ashamed of when you ask for help, if you're making the effort (most) people have a lot more respect and are happy to help.
"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"
*Suicide! It is a PERMANENT solution to a temporary, temporary problem*
I have felt that often. Still feel it some times. It's hard to ignore that call to just end it.
But there is better. There MUST be better.
So don't stop the book half ways through. Read it till the end. Who knows what is in the next chapter!?
It could be great...
I never seen my own life in a post so much...
>>16999032
which one?
