>>16976836
Do Go All Out For Money Or Take It Easy With My People And Enjoy The Decline? I

>>16976842
Either works, depends on your long term goals.
I try to strike a balance of
Making enough an emergency isn't the end
and
Enjoying life with my family and friends

Neat, you're back!

Can you tell me what's the secret to a happy marriage? What would be the ideal scenario of a relationship unfolding, starting with dating and ending with being married with kids?

>>16976845
Boss most of my goals are based on hobbies I'd like to get proficient and narcotic consumption

Maybe owning a home and chilling wife/no wife.

I'm leaning toward chilling with peeps but the military life Looks appealing to get college out the way with no debt.

I have just broke up with my girlfriend. She is a very depressed girl and the reason why I broke up was because it was taking its toll on me aswell.
I did love her but over the past few months all we did was argue about the smallest things, and she would often cry when she to leave to go back to her place. After having a depressed mother and being depressed myself in my teens I just couldn't stay with her anymore.
The breakup was horrible, she took an overdose in the bathroom and told me, so I had to take her to the ER at the hospital where I work.
She saw psych and was medically cleared so I took her home and put her to bed.
She was in a state when I left and to be honest so was I. I now feel horrible because I've left her alone and now she wont have me to help her.
I am young and want to have a profession with a happy wife and have kids. I dont think that was ever going to happen with her. Thinking about her all alone is hurting bad.

>>16976848
I can give you my opinion based upon people I know. This is what I tell my kids and the oldest is doing well in marriage, so I hope I am not too wrong.
1) Be *very aware* of why you are dating. If you just want someone to hang out with/have sex with no real plans, DON'T FORGET THAT. The sorts of people you see of that are usually different than spouse material
2) If you are looking for a spouse dating has a purpose, and that is answering the question "Do I want to marry this person?".
2a) So dating when looking for a spouse shouldn't take to long. If you can't figure out if you want to propose/accept in 6 months, break up and look elsewhere
3) Engagements shouldn't be for very long, either. I mean, why? Do you want to get married? If yes, is this someone you;d marry? If yes, *why not soon*?
On the relationship
A) You can't read anyone's mind - you do not know what they are thinking of feeling until they tell you.
B) No one can read your mind - no one knows what you are thinking or feeling until you tell them
C) There is no such thing as a 'Soulmate' - there are many people you could have a wonderful, life-long marriage with
D) 'Compatibility' is largely bullshit - if you care about the person and they care about you the last 10% is just working together
E) You can't 'fix' them - if they are broken (I don't mean 'introverted', I mean 'barking mad') look elsewhere
F) No one but you can fix you - mend yourself first
inside a relationship
1) True love is an act of the will. Anyone, anywhere, any time can be annoying or loveable - it is about your outlook and attitude. "Falling out of love" is a *decision*, not something you catch like the flu. At the same time *staying in love* is ALSO a decision.
2) You are smart enough to lie all the time, so don't. Besides, the truth always comes out some way, so just tell the truth.
3) Keep improving yourself and support them in what they are doing
4) Have a hobby or two you share and a hobby or two you don't
more

I found an amazing woman "on paper" (lots of good qualities) but we don't fit very well together: lots of conflicts, fights, discussions.

She is far more "normal" than me: I am sometimes a picky jerk who bitches about crazy stuff that is seemingly important just to me.

I am at point that I either finish breaking this relationship and breaking up with her or try to fix it and become a more "normal" person.

I don't know how to be completely normal and I don't know if I want to.

What would be your advice?

>>16976870
5) Turn your life together into positive stories you share with each other and with friends and family.
6) Kids grow up FAST. No matter how hard it looks, no matter how hard it *is*, it is gone so soon you won't even remember it very well
7) Don't sweat the little bullshit. 'She pushes toothpaste out wrong!' Who cares? 'He doesn't wipe the counter by the toaster every time!' So what?
8) do the little things - flowers, notes, surprise beer/chocolates at 1, etc.
9) Have sex. Plenty of it. It is fun and good for the relationship.
There is probably a lot more

>>16976857
Military is good; good people, good skills, lots of fun.

>>16976862
On the one hand, she was asking for help.
On the other, the entire 'I took a bottle of pills so you won't leave me' is damn low.
Like I said elsewhere - you can't fix others, they have to fix themselves.
Tell her what you want (i.e., happy wife and kids) and your worries. But she will have to get to happy herself.

>>16976870
Thank you so much OP! This is really helpfull.
I've been with my bf for only 6 months now. Marriage, moving in together and kids are already a very real possibility. Just yesterday we decided to move in together in autumn. How do i tell if i am making the right decision? Can you give me some "absolutely ideal" time frames for "moving in/ getting married/ having kids"?
I know that my biggest downfall is not speaking my mind. I am actively working on it and so far i have been doing great. How can i further hone this skill?

You're godsent anon

>I have made enough mistakes to know what not to do.
so what not to do?

>>16976883
Is the 'crazy stuff that is important just you you' *worth* bitching about?
I mean that seriously.
If it is, is it worth bitching about in such a way it antagonized others?
Here is an example.
I was army, and tactical, for 8 years and am a combat veteran.
Ever see the movies Predator or Commando?
I can watch movies like that two different ways
1)
>Holy shit, they are holding that gun ALL WRONG! And that is the wrong ammo! And grenades DON'T WORK THAT WAY! AHHHHH!!!'
2)
>LOL! 'Babe, can you get me another beer while Arnold shoots another 50 guys, please?'
Both are legitimate.
2) is more fun for others to be around.
And AFTER you can quietly talk about how all the errors made you laugh and lead to a fun conversation where you *inform* the other person of the errors.
In short, is your attitude the issue and, if it is,m do you want to work on that?

>>16976900
Well, I know that statistically people who live together for more than a few months before marriage really increase their odds of cheating and divorce.
But people aren't statistics.
I personally tell my own children to not live with a person before marriage, but I've seen it work, too.
Another thing I tell my kids is - 'If you propose/accept you need a reason to wait more than 6 months and if you are going to wait more than 12, why the heck did you propose?'

>>16976905
-Avoid debt
-Don't hang out with people you wouldn't trust in a life or death situation
-That person who screwed you over twice? Don't trust them again
-If it sounds too good to be true it probably isn't true
-If you don't have a very good reason for it don't talk badly about another person
that's the basic stuff

>>16976911
But why? I don't see the corelation here. Can you spoon feed it to me?
I can also totaly see us getting married before moving in together. But i don't want to push it too hard. My bf has already told me that he's going to ask me to marry me in the near future and i told him that i'm going to say yes. It seems like the normal progression today is move in and then get married. What makes you think this isn't the best corse of action?

>>16976906
>>16976906
>Is the 'crazy stuff that is important just you you' *worth* bitching about?

That is tricky

I believe it is.

But then I look at how many couples live their whole lives together and don't seem to bother with these things and I wonder...

What I am talking about is stuff like this:

>I did something wrong and she seems upset at me
>I ask: "what is wrong, why are you acting like that?"
>"It is nothing" she replies.
>Few minutes later I ask again, same answer.
>At this point I am already pissed off because of the thousands of times we had discussions about this bullshit of "it is nothing" when clearly it is
>let about 10 min pass by, maybe she is just super pissed and don't want to say anything
>ask again, same answer.
>show with my voice and tone that I am pissed off with this, that obviously something is wrong
>she finally answers the question
>I start bitching "and why didn't you say so at first?"
>she fights back
>Blames me for starting a fight because I didn't
take into consideration her feelings when she decided to act like that
>I tell her that there is no justification for that behaviour
>gets seriously offended.

This is the kind of bullshit I bitch very strongly about.

>>16976943
As I said, in general the incidence of infidelity goes up during cohabitation and if you cohabited before marriage your odds of divorce go up.
Now, you have to live together 6+ months first, but the numbers are there.
But that is 'in general' not 'you and your BF'.

>>16976959
Not OP, but she lacks basic communication skills. Might it be that she's very young?

>>16976964
Yes, i've read that. But WHY? what does one have to do with the other? Can you give me one example of how moving in together before marriage could lead to infidelity?

>>16976968
>Might it be that she's very young?

>>16976968
>>16976968
>Might it be that she's very young?

well, that is the problem: she isn't. She is 28, I am 35...

In one hand she should already mature enough to not play these silly games.
In the other, I should already be wise enough to know how to play down the issue and solve it without a fight.

but I can't... I see this happening, my blood boils and I have to point at the bullshitness of the situation...

OP, i'm 27, my bf is 22. Is there ANY chance this is going to work out? If so, how can i contribute to things going smooth?

>>16976983
Oh... That's bad. I did this when i was 17 and in my first relationship. Learned my lesson though. She should REALLY be over this at that age. Did she have any ltr's before you? Well, you CAN'T properly deal with an issue if you don't even know what the issue is, so i don't think this is your fault. What you could do is calmly state that you can tell she's upset. That you love her and are willing to find a solution to whatever is causing her to be miserable, but in order to do that she needs to tell you what's the matter. Tell her that it's ok even if it is a minor thing or if she thinks it's embarassing to talk about (those where reasons i had when i acted that way).

>>16976984
A, why do you even ask?
No, there is no way it will. If he were 25, maybe.

>>16976984
>If so, how can i contribute to things going smooth?

I was 10 years in a relationship with a woman 10 years older than me.

Here are my advice:

1. be prepared for some immature behaviour, it is inevitable.
2. Don't let him become a lazy fuck that rides on your shadow. HOW you do it is the difference between being is nosy bitch or the most amazing woman of his life
3. If he didn't fool around in his teenage years, be wary of high risks of cheating or frustration because he will be missing that stage of his life.
In fact, if he is some "nerd" that didn't have a few hookups or girlfriends before you, I would be very careful with any long term thing with him.

Overall it can work. I would still be with that woman if she hadn't been so stubborn in certain things related to our private lives.

>>16976999
Because it's uncommon.
Why not? What specific problems could arise?

>>16976959
>I tell her that there is no justification for that behaviour
You mean the behaviour of 'trying to not have a fight over a minor issue'?
Look, you put any two people in close proximity to each other for long enough and something person A does will annoy person B, and vice-versa.
Many people grasp this and also understand that sometimes the problem isn't actually 'person A did X' but rather 'I am annoyed that person A did X *and I have no real reason* for being annoyed by something so minor'.
I mentioned this here
>>16976890
My wife pushes the toothpaste from the top of the tube. This is inefficient and I end up having to push it up from the bottom with the cap loosened so that the toothpaste can be gotten to easily.
You know who cares about this?
Me.
I mentioned it to her 2-3 times when we first married. I got upset about it once and realized - who cares?
How many times did you drag out of your GF what was really going on in her head and it turned out to be a minor annoyance, barely worth mentioning?
How many times did you turn it into a big fight with your refusal to just accept her at her word?
Heck, if it is serious she will mention it, trust me.
Further, maybe her goal is to wait until she is NOT emotional so she can discuss the topic rationally.
Etc.
tl;dr - she is not required to tell you every thought and emotion that passes through her mind and there are often good reasons for a person to not share every thought and emotion that passes through their mind.

>>16976976
They would only be guesses, but in one case I am aware of the guy had a fight and bumped into an ex in a bar. They spoke and he told me,
"I literally thought 'well, it isn't like we're *married* yet'"
My wife says some of the women she knew had 'one last fling' before they were *really* married.
Beats me, though.

>>16977004
I'm really taking into considerstion that he might be a tad immature in some areas. So far, he has prooven that assumption to be very wrong, but i would surely cut him some slack in that departement.
He's very ambituous and has a lot of goals he is working towards. I don't think him getting lazy is an issue.
He wasn't chad, but he had a gf before and some short lived "relationships". I think he had a fair share of "fooling around".

Thanks for your help anon, it's much apprecciated

>>16976984
Why wouldn't it? It is only a few years.
Heck, once you get past about 30-35 you don't even notice that much of an age difference anymore.
Contribute to ig going smooth?
Be honest; discuss your concerns.

>>16977010
>tl;dr - she is not required to tell you every thought and emotion that passes through her mind and there are often good reasons for a person to not share every thought and emotion that passes through their mind.

Of course she is not, and she knows that.

But she is required not to lie straight into my face by saying "Nothing is wrong" when I asked "what is wrong?"

That is what truly bothers me. She could as well have said "I didn't like what you did, but I don't want to have a fight now"

or, as you correctly put it:
>Further, maybe her goal is to wait until she is NOT emotional so she can discuss the topic rationally.

>How many times did you turn it into a big fight with your refusal to just accept her at her word?

Many, because to me this is unacceptable.

The funny thing is: when I was more in love with her, I even said "is that the kind of communication you want? You know I can make it work, but I won't unless you consciously and directly say so"

Her answer? "No, I don't want that, I know it doesn't work".

How do you find out what to do for a living when you
>never had a job
>barely any interests
>boring
I'm 24 wish I had more to say but the above three should explain why I don't

>>16977007

Well, A, tell me this: Do you or do you not have a kid? If you do, be prepared for it NOT to work. If not, then he's going to be silently afraid of being disposed of. 27 and 22? That's enough of a gap where standards deviate. Simply, if he were 25, he'll be more likely to match with you.

He's got 3 more years of free-breathing, meaning he'll be more into his 'fun' hobbies, not his 'hobby'hobbies, you know?

Also, follow the anon below my question. He seems to get shit more.

>>16977049
Then move on.

>>16977024
This means a lot to me, i hope you are right. Thanks anon

>>16977061
Pick something that is relatively quick and easy to get certified in.
Start working.
Actually working will teach you a ton more about what you want to do and what you are good at than thinking about it ever will.
Welding or something isn't bad.

>>16976836
I'm assuming you've had loads of sex in your life. Tell me, does sex with love feel any better (((Physically))) than sex without it or is it just a psychological thing. Also how shameful/Disgraceful is it for a guy to be a virgin at 19, and what steps should he take to stop being one

>>16977079
sex with love is better psychologically and leads to better physical sex, especially over time.
You know that entire 'it takes x thousands of hours to master something'? Yeah - well, my wife and I have been practicing together for a long time.
> how shameful/Disgraceful is it for a guy to be a virgin
It isn't. Ever.
Why would it be?
Go out, meet people and spend time with women, get comfortable with them, and start seeking a real partner. Everything will occur naturally.

>>16977079
>Also how shameful/Disgraceful is it for a guy to be a virgin at 19

Not the OP, but:
it is not really shameful but keep in mind that you are lacking experience, so be prepared that the first 5-10 times will be awkward at the least...

>>16977133
>implying he gets lucky enough for 1 time

>>16977102
I don't know how to meet women in casual contexts, the only people I hang out with are guys, I don't know any girls. I really have no idea how to get friends that are girls

I have the strangest urge to fuck a tranny, but it's nothing more than that. Is this normal? I may have spent too much time on other boards but I have developed this urge to just man handle a tranny. For the most part I still love women and want to have a girlfriend and make some babies but I get that urge about once a month

>>16977102
Also I don't get this "naturally" thing. Its never happened before and it's supposed to have happened so I'm not too keen on betting on it "just happening". I need to know the order of progression so I can steer things in that direction. Also I am friends and am starting to regularly hang oit with 2 guys who have sex all the time and brag about it so I'm guessing it "naturally" happens for them, will this make things easier on me by association? Can I ask them for help at some point or if not that then somehow arrange to meet girls through them or something?

>>16976870
>D) 'Compatibility' is largely bullshit - if you care about the person and they care about you the last 10% is just working together
Not the same anon but this is what I needed to hear right now MOF.

>>16977178
If you have make friends that hang out with girls ask for assistance.
Join a book club or similar where you can be there and talk little, if at all, until you gain confidence.

>>16977183
1) Less porn
2) less fapping
3) more time with other people in person

How did you comfort your parents if they ever went through hardships?

I'm a young adult. Throughout childhood, my parents were my source of comfort. As they get older, I see roles reversing.

My parents are split. My dad's going through a bitter divorce with his second wife. My mom appears to be having this empty nest/late mid-life crisis event.

I don't know what to do that can help.

Hi married guy... I am in love with a guy but sometimes I feel underwhelmed by things he doesn't do. I can't tell if I am needy... but its things like he doesn't say good morning after we've slept together. He doesn't text me back when I tell him "have a good day". He didn't bring me gifts on valentines day.... I feel like he cares about me but only to a degree. I feel like I am very generous and do a lot for him including giving him gifts, checking up on him, wishing him a good day, giving him head when I'm bleeding... I just need those small acts of warmth that seem to be absent that would make me feel special... the way I try to make him feel special.

What should I do? I feel like I can't directly ask for these things because I would rather know he's thinking of me instead of him just doing them because I told him to.

>>16977186
This isn't a vidya with a cheat code.
OK, sure, actually you could pay a hooker.
Here is the real question - what is the end goal?
If you want to 'have sex' so you 'won't be a virgin' then ask your male friends with more experience to hook you up with a female friend that is willing to punch your v-card so you can "get it over with".
Maybe then you can get past this '80's teen movie/arcanine/etc. concept of what sex is and is about.
But if you actually want ameaningful itneraction with a woman that leads to something glorious take the time to move into new circles, get to know some women *for who they are* and once there are a few women you like *for who they are* sex will occur naturally.

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>>16977193
It's funny you mention that, I just got done with a no fap thing. I failed by one day. I'll try and keep it to about 2 times a week or something. Thanks bro

>>16977188
Married please see here >>16977186
Whereally I expanded on what I said

>>16977195
Love them.
Tell them that.
Listen to them, talk to them, take them to dinner, lighten their load by taking on minor tasks for them.

>>16977211
I haven't fapped in 32+ years.

>>16977219

Not him, but holy shit, how do you even?

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>>16977219
Goddamn son, but I suppose it's different even you're married and have kids. It helps me sleep better though

I have a choice to make, Married Oldfag.

I can either marry a man who I know will care for me and look after me and live happily ever after but know that deep down, we shouldn't be together. Or I can leave, give up all of this and begin a relationship with someone who I have a deep connection with but absolutely none of the security I have built up over the years.

The decision is sending me crazy. I would appreciate your input.

OP, what is the one thing your wife has SAID that has meant the most to you?

>>16977226
Well personally when I have girlfriend's I don't have to fap, maybe he doesn't have time with work/kids?

>>16977208
The end goal is a hybrid between "get rid of the soul crushing shame of being a virgin" and "it's the greatest thing in existence on its own as it is". I definitely want the 2nd route down the line but first I gotta knock the first bit out. Because I still view sex as being a physicAL only thing and that an actual relationship takes a back seat to the number 1 goal in my life, everything does. But you really think if I get these guys to like me enough that they will help me?

>>16977226
I was sixteen and was planning on how I was going to set up some time in my room with a playboy
>different times, kids - this was 1983
when it hit me how much TIME and ENERGY I put into - playing with myself.
So I didn't.
Pretty soon (as in, a few weeks) I was much more motivated to talk to actual girls and before you knew it I was actually having real sex.
And after that not fapping was quite easy.

>>16977230
>we shouldn't be together
Please explain that and this
>a deep connection

oldfag, i feel like there aren't enough words to tell him how much i love him. what do?

>>16977231
Hmmmm.
probably this [I am paraphrasing from memory]
"When I think back to when I was a child it startles me to realize that there was a time in my life when I didn't know you. I love you so much and you mean so much to me I feel like you were ALWAYS part of my life."

>>16977238

The only thing keeping us together is habit. We can do small talk but that's about it. I struggle to connect with him, we have very little in common and there is absolutely no physical relationship.

For the deep connection, it's somebody who I have known for several years and is the complete opposite.

>>16977242
dawww....
can you remember the moment you where the proudest of her?

>>16977233
I am confused, and sorry, that virginity is causing you shame, especially with you being so young.
Yes - from my army days I know that a brother helps a brother out in this area.

>>16977240
Tell him what you wrote here.
Then try anyway.
He'll get it.

>>16977246
see
>>16976870
Love, in the long term, is an act of the will.
...
On the one hand, there are men with strong, powerful emotions who do not talk about them, they live them. Many of them do this by caring for/providing for a family and being a calm source of stability and certainty.
Other men wear their emotions on their sleeves.
As a *father* I would want you to be with a man who can take care of you, but the decision, in the end, must be yours.
But don't assume anything from silence - ask the quiet one how he feels and what he wants. And ask the other if he can and will care for and provide for you.
Good luck.

>>16977250
i already did, multiple times. but, i'l never stop to try anyways. i know he get's it. but it's frustrating.

>>16977258
>can and will care for and provide for you
what do you mean by that? financially?

>>16977247
Yes
She was pregnant with our first, and in labor. Towards the end she said something like 'this is so hard' and the nurse said 'do you want a c-section?' and my wife *yelled* 'I will do this!'
A minute later there he was, squalling and strong, and she was laughing with joy at the sight of him as she was stitched up.
She nursed him, and kissed him, and asked for a steak.
That's my girl.

>>16977248
Its not just shame is total depression. Im miserable. I hate my life and everything I do that's anyone would say is productive I do to try to get laid. Starving myself to lose weight. Excercising for hours at a time until my skin is so hot it feels like it's burning, spending money on clothes. On a haircut. Saying things I don't mean to people I don't really like that much to get them to agree to do things I don't wanna do (hang out) etc etc. Its everything to me. How long should I wait before I let them know about my situation? Also should I outright tell them or "accidentally" "let it slip" that I'm in this boat? Also what do I do if they ask me about it before I was planning on telling them?

>>16977260
Notes, gifts, and treats help, too

>>16977270
>asked for a steak
kek

this is so beautiful OP...
how did you two meet?

>>16977268
If that is a concern of yours, yes. As well as emotionally, of course.

>>16977273
i do the notes and gifts thing already. he's not a big eater, so threats fall flat. but i think the only thing left is proving my love to him over time and with actions (whos supposedly speak louder than words). i'm just being a bit impatient about this.

>>16977272
Wait, wait, wait. All of this because at 19 you haven't had sex yet?
Do you know how many other guys your age are also virgins? because it isn't 0%!
Have you spoken to your father about this?

>>16977277
>If that is a concern of yours, yes
no, it's not really, but most of the time this is implied by those words, hence my question.
emotionally makes more sense. thanks

i'm very self conscious about my body, oldfag. i think it's disgusting.
what would you tell your daughter if she was in my shoes?

>>16977281
Look I don't wanna talk about the "why" of all of this, and no I haven't talked to him about it and I don't want to. Just please use your nearly half a century long wisdom to tell me what to do like I asked about here>>16977272

>>16977274
A blind date arranged by mutual friends while she was on Spring Break from college.
I owed the guy a favor or I wouldn't have agreed, and it was his GF's best friend.
I still remember the first moment - dark brown hair around her shoulders, pale skin, bright blue eyes, hourglass figure....
We went to dinner on a double date, had an amazing time.
I told my roomie that night that I met my wife, she wrote in her journal she met her husband that same night.
I proposed 10 months later, we married after another 8 months.

>>16977205
Not sure if I got skipped sorry if I seem impatient... but I just want help with this because I see other guys who seem way more excited about their girlfriends than my guy seems about me.

>>16977279
LOL.
I like you.

>>16977284
1) Knock that off
2) The perfect is the enemy of the good
Want to know which woman has a perfect body?
None of them.
We all have issues, we all have flaws, and that is not just OK, it is great.
If internet porn has had ANY positive effect it is to prove that at least some men like your body *no matter what*.
So emphasize the positive and relax.

>>16977294
and you have no idea how much i like YOU! i might have been in every one of your threads and you offer such wonderfull advice... i don't think /adv/ values you enough. pls never stop these thread.

>>16977292
Also I gotta go to class now so I won't be back until an hours gone by (virgin guy)

>>16977258

My God, you're amazing. Thank you.

>>16977285
>>16977285
>>16977285
Sensai plz

>>16977292
this is so unbelievably cute. i wish i can look back in 30 years and tell a similar story to my grandkids. my bf has kept the badge from the event we met for the very first time, he gave it to me on our first valentines, telling me that he has put it away that same evening cause he knew he will always remember the day he met his future wife. that was next level cute. i must be the luckiest girl that ever walked on this planet.

>>16977285
My Fatherhood Sensors are telling me you need to talk to someone in person about this, someone you trust or with credentials.
This is extreme behavior/thinking and getting laid tomorrow isn't going to help much if at all.
Barring that, if this is something that is that freakin' serious for you, do what a pal of mine in the army did.
Go to a massage parlor that does happy endings - get one.
Start taking cooking classes and going to book clubs (where I first heard that idea) and meet women while also spending more time with guys that are good with women.
1) you won't actually be a virgin anymore
2) you can talk to the guys about helping you improve your skills, so to speak
3) you will also get to know women in a non-bar, non-parlor way, too

>>16977205
Sometimes we make the mistake of giving others what we want and need - he might be doing that to you
So - ju jitsu it and tell him (honestly!) you are concerned that YOU are not giving him what HE needs.
This will open an honest conversation about the topic that will allow you to talk about your needs
Stay non-confrontational and listen, really listen, to what he needs, too!
(sorry I missed this!)

>>16977300
i try to knock it off since years. it's already way better than it was. my dad has a weird obsession with looks and he always told me that the worst thing a woman can be is fat. didn't help that i have always been chubby. especially copmpared to my very thin sister. i just seem to fail to be confident with my body when not even my own dad thinks i'm ok looking. i know i should probably try to not give so much weight on his opinion, but after all, he's my dad... how can i not give great value to his judgement.

>>16977293
I just answered, sorry for the pause!

>>16977329
Stop looking at your father and start looking for men *looking at you*. Just to prove that men disagree with him.
Some do, trust me.
The hardest thing to realize is sometimes mom and dad are wrong.
That is especially true foe mom and dad, sometimes.

>>16976836
Going to lunch
back in an hour or so

>>16977343
enjoy your meal

yo married oldfag, i am curious about some things, pretty much want to ask for some relationship advice. I'm 27, my girlfriend is the same age. After 3 months together me and my girlfriend have been having some issues. Here are some of them:

I am not allowed to have female friends, my girlfriend made me delete all the females on my Skype I had harmless conversations with. She herself never speaks to any men on Skype so I thought it was fair. She also views friendships with the opposite sex a lot different than I do. In her mind they can never be platonic.

Beyond that I am not allowed to stare for too long at other women, she has been driving me crazy with this sometimes. Sometimes I just look around a lot and am not staring and yet I am accused of it. We have talked about this and I told her to cool it and that I'm not always staring at what she thinks. I feel mistrusted when I am accused of looking at other women. One time she asked and I admitted to it so she has been on high guard ever since then.

The hard part about all this is I know we love each other, she has made it clear she is looking out for me the best she can and every time she tells me how much she loves me it melts my heart. Sometimes I think her paranoia about me and the opposite sex is way too much but I don't think I can ever leave her. This is also my first girlfriend and I'm her first boyfriend so we are both learning a lot.

>>16976870
I'm pretty weird among my peeer group because I actually want to get married and have kids with someone. What metrics should I use to judge a mate? Should I try to find someone that I get along with well? Or should I pick a number of criteria and stick to those?

>>16976836
Any tips for balancing my schedule better and finding enough time for everything?
> 33
> 3 kids, aged 1, 2 and 4
> girlfriend (de facto wife)
> full time job
It seems no matter how efficiently i try to be, i always come up short on time, so between work, family, hobbies, and sleep, the latter two suffers greatly.

Dear oldfag, Will I regret not having kids? I'm reaching the end of my fertile years and do not want children. My mom wants me to freeze my eggs, but I see that as a waste of a huge amount of money, because I can't see myself changing my mind currently. Do you know any couples or singles who were happy or unhappy without kids?

>>16976836
How can you make a relationship not self-destruct when living with each other?

How do I stop being so blunt? Apparently I'm too honest and sometimes even brutally honest.

>>16977063
>>16977076
I would like to suplement with this: pick something you (might enjoy) learn the trade and get good at it. If you leave, make sure it's on good terms, so that you can get a good recommendation for your next job. With time certificates and education won't matter. You might even accumulate some certs along the way.
> be me
> work in a field where a uni degree is pretty much a requirement
> same pay as everyone else
> didn't even finish hischool.

NB: it's not easy. It requires hard work, and you have to accept shit terms in the beginning just to get a foot in the door. You also have to spend many evenings improving your skillset.
> taught myself calculus.
I'm not sure if i'm an exception or not, but what i do know: uselessness comes both with and without a degree.

>>16977324
I will try this thank you.

>>16977421
Not OP, but I can say this: kids are fuckin exhausting but i can't imagine myself without my kids. But on the other hand, I can imagine someone making the same choice as you and not regretting it.

I was always of the opinion of "one day, probably, but not for long" until my GF had unexpected news one day.

>>16977317
No I need a long term solution to this problem, I'll run out of money in no time if I go down the hooker route and then I'm back to square one. That's why I'm trying to get in good with these guys I know, they do something or some things that get them laid all the time and I am really really hoping that I can get them to like me enough that when I reveal that I've never gotten laid before (or they ask and I am forced to admit it) that they will pull their strings and somehow get me in on whatever it is that they do. So that's a why I need to know how long you thik I should wait to tell them, and if a should tell them outright and bluntly or "let it slip" "acidentally"

>>16977464
I've heard people say that before about falling in love with their kids once they have them. I still think it's not for me...I have some practical reasons I don't want to have them aside from the emotional ones. I appreciate your input, though. Thank you

>>16977395
Jealousy is not bad in and of itself; that being said, work with her and talk out why she feels so threatened in general. It can't hurt anything

>>16977546
oldfag, speaking of jealousy: my bf has a female friend that i'm not entirely comfortable with. should i not interferr in his friendships or do i tell him?

How do I deal with the fact that my gf isn't that pretty. She's sweet and has a great personality but she's maybe a 5/10.

>>16977412
Here is something I wrote for my kids about a year ago:
Look for someone who is -
Prudent (Modest in dress; appropriate in speech and action)
Temperate (control their temper even when angry, don't gorge or get drunk except on special occasions, don't wallow in self-pity)
Just (admit fault, admit error)
Brave (honest, physically brave for men)
Faithful (loyal; don't trash people who aren't there; don't trash family, etc. all the time)
Charitable (kind, forgiving)
Hopeful (positive, supportive)
Also
Are they focused on marriage and parenthood?
Are they honestly humble?

File: image.jpg (209 KB, 1200x520) Image search: [Google]

209 KB, 1200x520

How do I become powerful? I want the type of power that instills those around me with either fear or respect(preferably both). I'm talking Alexander the great or Caesar levels. Also, how do I gain a following of people?

>>16977421
>Will I regret not having kids
Maybe. No one can know until later.
Some of our dearest friends cannot have children and are very happy.
Others of our dearest friends changed their minds in their late 40's and finally adopted.
My thoughts are - kids grow up and move out, so if you have them it is only for a surprisingly short time.
If you don't have them at some point you can't get them.

>>16977427
see
>>16976870
>>16976890

>>16977491
Just tell them
Honesty is always better

>>16977599
When do you think I should?

>>16977557
Tell him.
When I first married my wife told me she didn't trust one of my friends, so i let the friendship fade. Found out later the 'friend' was trying to sleep with me just to score points against my wife.
Men like to know what women are thinkinng

>>16977615
i'm worried to be too controling or telling him how to live his life. how do i word this? hey, i'm not comfortable with you having contact with X. andthen? do i ask him to cut contac? that seems a bit drastig with just a gut feeling as justification

>>16977570
My friend, call him Steve, had a GF, call her Anne, that was as kind ans sweet as the day is long. Anne dressed impeccably, could cook, could dance, knit, crochet, sing, paint, play piano.
Anne had big ears, buck teeth, a roman nose, and a flat chest.
Steve 'traded up' to Betty. betty didn't like to work, couldn't cook or sing, knew no crafts, and wasn't that bright, but she was an actual model with a big rack.
After Steve spent 90 using all his money plus a credit card to keep Betty from being bored he had an epiphany.
Anne took him back.
He and Anne have 4 kids.
Betty is on her 4th husband in 12 years.

If you want arm candy and to make guys jealous? Whatever.
If you care *who* is sitting next to you?
That is different.

oldfag, i have an ugly past. i'm telling my bf about it piece by piece to not overwhelme him. is there anything your wife could have confessed to you that would have made you reconsider your decision to be with you?

>>16977642
*be with her

>>16977584
If you have to ask and are older than 16 or so, you have a tough road.
Start with these books
On War
The Prince
Diplomacy (Kissinger's book)
Get a degree in International Relations with a focus on joining a diplomatic corps, maybe in the third world.
Good luck!

>>16976836

>Talk to girl at another shop from my company on the phone cause we have to do buddy calls every hour
>Hit it off great on the phone, flirting, talking for ages on the phone
>Get courage to ask her on a date, she says yes, it goes great and she ends up coming back to mine and stays the night
>Spooning for hours the next morning, both knackered an talking a bit, we both had a good time
>Tell her while were both out drinking one night with different people that i kinda like her nothing serious.
>messaging her and talking to her on the phone the following week about meeting up again, she says yes, she's doing like 50 hours a week so really busy
>She wants to do something involving no money, were both happy with that and she says she wants to come to my house after work on Sat night
>She has work the next morning which she already told me, makes up some excuses and cancels on me
>Find out she went out that night to a club which she accidentally told me about
>Ask her to do something again and she says yes, nothing happens again
>Anyway due to like both our shops having no staff and people being off sick we are both covering other peoples shifts.
>She gets really angry at me for taking someone from her shop and getting them to do a shift in my shop.
>Rings me up at work and pretty much shouts at me down the phone, saying its all my fault for taking her staff and she consequently had to do extra hours, she pretty much hates me at this point.
>We dont talk for about a week then she rings me up one day at work and talks to me for like 25mins about all sorts and some really personal things
>We're getting on great again and talking like normal, I ask her to go to a club with me this thursday but she has work and doesnt finish till 10 and has no money again.

I kinda already got the hint she didnt want to do anything with me again but like then she started talking to me for ages on the phone so i dont know wtf is going on. Should i just give up on her?

>>16977609
Once you are at the point they call you to join them for drinks>>16977630

>>16977630
Don't present it as orders, ask for help.
"Honey, I need your help. I might be wrong, but I am getting a bad feeling about x. I know she is a friend of yours, but my intuition is telling me something is up. Do you know of anything she is going through? It just makes me uncomfortable, like she is hiding something."
All true, right?
Men like to solve problems; present it as a problem for him to solve.

>>16977642
...not really.
Early in dating we did what we now call 'the obvious stuff'
>my uncle in in prison for dealing weed. My sister is an alcoholic. That stuff
About 90 days in we sat down and 'dropped the bombs'.
>no, I will not share
After that I was certain we should marry because we trusted each other that much.

>>16977665
>present it as a problem for him to solve.
you're a genius! thanks oldfag

>>16977649
Have you taken the initiative?
Try to learn her sched and tell her where you will go (not just your place) to have cheap/free fun.
Mix it uip, show interest and that you are interesting.
If this continues, ease off and move on

>>16977654
They are older than I am so I don't think that's going to happen, any other equivalent milestones to look for? Also would off handedly letting it slide work against me or for me? And what does it mean it they end up asking me?

>>16977675
>>my uncle in in prison for dealing weed. My sister is an alcoholic. That stuff

we have already done that.
and i have "dropped my biggest bomb", cause i feel like it can be a serious deal breaker.
basically, the things he doesn't know about yet are stories about my abusive dad. i haven't told him yet cause he is very protective and i don't want him to hate my dad for what he did. i have a rather normall realtionship with my dad today.

is there anything you would advice against telling somebody?

>>16977696
Mwant to say they are **no** older than me

>>16976836
Broke up with manipulative GF (I broke up with her, she didn't loved me anymore, and dated friends instead of me), now we're friends. I really loved her.

Today she went out to a trip out of town with her family, and she asked me to keep her house keys, because i'm the only one that lives near that she trusts, so I can check out if everything's ok and take care of her dog.

Is this something normal? I'm making some mistakes too. Last week I went to a nice town, and bought some cheap but nice stuff for friends (handcrafted coffe mugs, bracelets, that shit) and I gave my ex a mug and a bracelet. She said "why".

I didn't gave it for any particular reason to be honest, I liked it for her when I bought it, and it doesn't mean anything to me.

This girl will go as a volunteer in 5 months for a complete year without any contact, she will be apart from friends and family, I will not know anything about her for a year basically.

She also does a lot of stuff, but it seems that she still loves me, and to be honest I love her too, but I understand that love isn't about posession, and I don't want to tie her to me, that's why I broke up with her so she can go to her volunteer thing.

Anyways it seems that I tolerated too much, a lot of friends/family says that I was a stupid guy, and that I should tell her "fuck off" and erase her from my life. But i'm not like that.

I feel that what i'm doing is correct, but it seems that I need to grow some balls because supposedly she's "taking advantage from me"

You're a wise person, what can you say about this? I'm more a "forgive and forget" person, and I usually trust too much the ones I love.

>>16977696
Then just tell them and ask for help.
You are over-analyzing this a great deal.

>>16977701
It sounds like you are doing very well. If I were in your shoes I would just keep on doing this.

>>16977724
>You're a wise person,
Man, you are in trouble.
If you broke up with her and she is OK with remaining friends, meh - stay friends if you like.
As long as nobody's getting hurt or taken advantage of, what is the big deal?

>>16977734
but should i even tell him those stories about my dad or will it have too bad of an impact on the relationship between my bf and my dad?

there are also small things, like that my ex was a lot older than me and going trough divorce when we started dating. are things like that even mention-worthy?

Oldfag, have you ever whitnessed a marriage where the girl brought a kid with her working out in the long run?

>>16977740
Yeah, kinda trouble but we're not fucking or anything like that, even her parents and family like me despite all the stuff that happened. She doesn't want a relationship because she will go in a few months, so she's preparing herself. But I don't want her to avoid meeting someone else because we still communicate and that stuff.

I'm ok with being friends, after all, she has some great stuff. But I don't know if i'm doing more harm than good, it seems this girl still loves me.

>>16977743
Meh.
The ex thing? let it go.
If, and IF, talking about your father would help in some way, go ahead.

>>16977756
I meant you are in trouble for thinking me wise.
It sounds like you are on the money with your outlook - I see no issues.

>>16977591
Thanks

>>16977775
>The ex thing? let it go.
ok, i will

If, and IF, talking about your father would help in some way, go ahead.
well, it has lead to me developing severe depression, which i recently went to therapy for and got medication (which i'm off again). i think it would be a bit weird to cut ALL that out and not tell him. but telling that i went to therapy for depression and got medication without telling him why seems weird too. man, i kjnow i'm overthinking like crazy right now. but i need to ask somebody who has a better grip on the "whole picture" thing...

>>16976976
Because the more things that are condoned outside or before marriage (socially or individually), the less seriously marriage is taken. Marriage was seen by many as a serious commitment. Now it is common to hear people utter things like, "It's just a piece of paper."

>>16976836
Dear oldfag
What do you know about polyamorous people? Do you have any oldfag friends who are? Have you and the wife ever done anything like that, consensual non-monogamy?

thansk for being here, I like you dude

>>16977783
Yeah - telling him about dad makes sense and might help.

>>16977797
The wife and I are very monogamous.
We have some some friends, call them Pete and Amy.
Open marriage until they started having kids.
After 4 kids they 'had a rough spot' and had more open marriage.
He emptied the bank accounts and went to Belize with his new girl leaving Amy with a mortgage, 4 kids, and no money.
That is my only personal experience.

>>16977823
well shit that's dismal. thanks for answering. my regards to amy and the kids

>>16977730
Well I might only get one shot at this and I want to time it and do it just right. I've been thinking tell them in 3 weeks. But I can't give them as much detail as a I've given you or I'll creep them out so I gotta find a more "casual" way to word it. It has to sound more "bummed out" than "wake me up inside"

>>16977832
i know a similar story. married 6 years, have a daughter. think it's a good idea to have an "open relationship". wife falls in love, hubby is heart broken. divorce. he moves back to the other side of the world, sees daughter once a year if even.

>>16977832
Yeah.
She is hoping guy she is seeing might propose. I;ve met him and he's solid. Just retired from the Army, wife died of cancer 4+ years ago, he always wanted kids.
We will see

Thanks for doing this oldfag. I also have a question. I'm almost 30 but just started dating for the first time. How many dates does it take to know if you should continue? Assuming you haven't met the person before. I've seen a certain guy 4 times, and I don't dislike him, but I'm not sure about him either. Especially reading how you met your wife makes me uncertain.

>>16977854
Not OF but do you feel any attraction to the guy or are you just waiting to feel attracted?

>>16977854
Wwel, that is a fie line
One the one hand, spending time with a nice person is fun
On the other if you feel no inclination to make it a relationship after a certain amount of dates you might give the impression it *is* a relationship.
I would just start asking about things like kids, marriage, long-term plans, etc. and see how he reacts. It might sway you or prove he isn't the one.
And the wife and I are not the norm!

>>16977874
[great question I should have asked]

Hey oldfag, I'm 25 male dating a 45 female.

She gets incredibly emotional, sad about something I don't necessarily see as important, and then I don't know what to do to be there for her, causing me to do nothing, which I've found out is the WRONG thing to do. I just want to know is it like those shitty dramas on TV where as the man I have to, at times, just grab her and hold her and tell her I'm there for her and I love her and fight all the time?

I tried breaking up with her, not because I didn't find her attractive or offensive; she's actually the woman I've been looking for since before I knew who she was, but out of the difficulty of having such a deep connection and relationship and the fear of becoming vulnerable like that to her. Was about to walk out the door when she called my bluff and we ended up having the best sex we've ever had until that point.

I feel like I've only been with girls before, and now don't know how to handle being with a woman, I feel like adult relationships are too intense for me, I feel like a coward.

What are some tough spots you've had with your partner? How did you react? How did you know what the right thing to do was?

>>16977848
>>16977848
>>16977848
>>16977848
>>16977848
>>16977848
???

>>16977884
Yes, sometimes the thing to do is to hold her and tell her everything will be OK.
People are different and react to things differently.
As I mentioned here
>>16977324
Sometimes we give thee other person what we need, not what they need.
Talk to her about this in a non-confrontational way; work out how to talk more coherently about what you each need and then try to give it to each other *especially* if you don't get why
>as long as it isn't harmful, illegal, etc.
What is your end goal?

>>16977848
I've told you more than once - just ask them.
Also, stop overthinking everything.

>>16977874
I'm attracted sometimes and repulsed sometimes, but I think I might be asexual, so I'm confused.

>>16977876
Our longterm plans seem to match up, and he already thinks it's a relationship. He checks off a lot of boxes from your list and my list, but there are some things that trouble me about him. I feel anxious around him still.

>>16977908
I don't have an end goal, I can't believe myself enough to see that far, she says she would marry me if I asked her, and yet with the age difference among other things I don't see that as very likely. I feel like if I were going to marry her I would have known by now, and I also think K 4 months of being together is too soon to tell. So for the time being I am making an effort to just enjoy all our time together and wait and see if that feeling like I would commit to her for my life will come.

>>16977912
I'm not asking them today it's too soon it will backfire

>>16977924
Talk to him about this stuff and do not be afraid to move on.

>>16977924
Noones asexual, they just haven't found who they're attracted to strongly enough to give it up to them, if you have your doubts already then don't try to contrive an attraction where it doesnt exist.

>>16977912
I haven't known them long enough

>>16977925
wait and see can work in a lot of situations as long as it doesn't become habitual inaction

>>16977938
>habitual inaction
Well fuck, that sounds like my whole life.

>>16977933
Okay, Thank you. I was thinking that he wouldn't have the answer to what are probably my own internal struggles and not him, but it'd probably help.

>>16977936
I haven't been attracted to anyone my entire teen/adult life, so it feels like it's not possible. I do have the desire to have a life partner regardless of that, but maybe I should keep looking as you've said.

How do you keep yourself from going crazy when your SO goes from being sweet to being a recluse?
It's a radical shift

Do I just immerse myself in hobbies to distract myself when he's feeling depressed?

>>16977747
Bump

>>16976836
Heading home in 15

>>16977984
Pls, can you help me with this before you go?>>16977978

>>16977972
Sure, and be there for him.
Don't let him brood, be there too

Hope you're still around, OP.

Basically, i met a girl the other day I was feeling kind of fascinated for beforehand.
I like her. I'm keen on meeting her more, but i'm having very mixed feelings about her

I feel attracted by her, but at the same time I think I deserve better.

I'm ambitious, i'm never late. I don't bullshit anyone and I don't like bullshit. I know very well how to have fun, i'm very open and extroverted, but also serious.

She's the opposite. Way too laid back, more bohemme, the kind of person that goes out with barely a buck on her. She's younger, less experienced and more introverted


Again: i like her, I feel attracted to her, we have some similar tastes, it could even work out... but i'm having those other feelings. I'm feeling i'm going towards a very specific direction, at a very specific speed. She's not


What should I do towards these feelings, OP?

>>16977747
Sure, more than once.
I have a lot of mixed-marriage friends among old army pals. Most seem to work in that situation, actually.
It seems to be easier if she was widowed, though.

>>16977988
Sorry I missed it, answered it

My fiance and I are 8 months pregnant, and homeless currently. We're waiting for an apt thats available in May, so we're not hopeless, I guess. I just don't know what to do because it feels like he doesn't understand the pending responsibilities of having a child. He can never save money, he bails on all important errands, and anytime he agrees to do something for my mom - conveniently "forgets". He uses my money, always states he'll pay me back, then its some new excuse as to why he can't pay me back. Ultimately, I need advice with this - any time I bring up any of the problems I have, he just shuts down and distances himself. Despite how upset I may be with him, I'll try to be civil and keep a conversation to just have him surf /b/ or read a comic and ignore what I have to say. I always end up feeling like the bad guy, and like I'm the one with some sort of problem.

What do? How should I go about bringing up anything at this point?

>>16977990
I've offered myself over and over and he just wants to be alone.

Its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either get rejected over and over or wait it out for him to come around.

>>16977991
The woman you love is not just a business partner.
Think about it this way - can you see yourself coming home to her at the end of a long, hard slog of a day?
OK, now if she is being herself, would you look forward to coming home to her at thee end of a long, hard slog of a day?
That is what matters, not whether or not she followers her planner and has a checklist.

>>16978001
Dammit.
When do you plan to marry?

>>16977996
any of them who had kids of their own after that? how does that work out? doesn't the first kid feel "left out" a bit all the time?

>>16978002
Life is not all about one person; you need to, when is is NOT in that place, explain that just as he wants you to moderate your behavior for him (leaving him be, etc.) you expect him to moderate HIS behavior for YOU, too (letting you at least be with him to some degree).
If he still wants to be alone, maybe he needs to be actually alone.

>>16978015
It varies - plenty of them have more kids and as long as the older kid is included in the *preparations* for the new baby and given a stake in things then it usually is ok, even great.
Kids are not short adults - they *want* to feel important but need to in capital letters so you do this by making their own role in helping with siblings important and praised.
Stress how they can teach, how they will have a sibling that loves and adores them, too,

>>16976836
Thank you all for your questions. I hope someone somewhere got some value out of this!

>>16978002
There's really no set date. We were engaged before the pregnancy, and then that kind of interfered with a date.

That, and because I'm not entirely retarded, I refuse to get married on paper. No debts, his money won't interfere with mine, I get to keep my insurance, etc, etc.

>>16978022
Thank you, I told him that it was pretty rough on me and he put in effort to chat a little. It's still a little awkward/forced.

I was going to try on lingerie for him for a special occasion (i bought it specifically to wear for him) but I'm not sure if that's the best course of action with how things have been.

Thank you so much for your insight, I feel a bit less crazy now

>>16978055
Read your whole thread, you did a good deed. Hope you return some day. Have a great evening op.

thank you for everything OP! i hope you return soon

>>16978056
That is pretty rough, kid. I would almost tell you to demand marriage before the birth to see if he steps up.

>>16977884
Shit, that's hot.

>>16976836
Hey Op any advice on how to initiate a conversation then move on to flirting/dating this person i really like thanks in advance!

This might be a dead thread, but i could use some help.

My gf of 6 months and I say we love each other and I can tell that she really does, but I'm starting to have doubts about her. She's pretty much a stereotypical "sororiety girl" even though she denies it. She sees the world as a giant fluffy place of fun and cute things where as I am pretty neutral on everything.

I'm pretty sure i want to break up with her, but i think she would be destroyed emotionally. Also she had a fight with her best friend, so she might lose that. And we share pretty much all of our friends, so that would be really fucking ackward.

ayudame por favor

>>16978461
All I can say is that you're talking more about how her than about yourself. Think more about what you want out of this relationship. Communicate that to her. If she doesn't comply or you feel that she cannot give you what you want you break up. It actually isn't harder than that.