Everyone says "break up" but HOW do you break up with a dangerous person under such difficult circumstances without destroying your entire life in the process?
>we live together
>all my belongings are mixed up with hers
>she has no car and treats mine as if it's hers
>my personal phone is under her parents' plan
>we're connected on nearly every app and most websites we use
>she's facebook friends with members of my family
>she knows where my family lives
>she knows where i work
>she's threatened to kill herself if i don't figure out all our problems
>she's threatened to kill herself if i don't continue dating her
>i still care about her though (fuck me)
I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE
I WANT TO GET OFF THIS WILD RIDE
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?
Talk to family you trust about it. Talk to her family and say she's talking about suicide. Have her family take care of her, tell them you can't.
>>16969897
>i still care about her though
Made up your mind, you wanna break up or not?
>we live together
move out
>all my belongings are mixed up with hers
you are a man, you need 1 pants and some money to survive :-D
>she has no car and treats mine as if it's hers
move out with keys
>my personal phone is under her parents' plan
get new number
>we're connected on nearly every app and most websites we use
get new accounts / blacklist
>she knows where my family lives
>she knows where i work
inform your surroundings that the crazy bitch might come
>she's threatened to kill herself
i wonder if she is serious about it. If she is, make her, problem solve itself. But she is bluffing anon. Seriously how did you not find out sooner she is crazy?
phone the police and tell them all of this shit so they can keep you and your family safe while you separate
is this a case of domestic abuse?
>>16969919
Long story short, I don't trust my family and I definitely don't trust her family. I suspect they would place the blame of her condition on me and then take her side and support hostile actions against me.
I also don't have any friends in the area in where I live. I moved across the country to come be with her and it didn't work out. I also don't want to move back home because there's drama there. Fuck me. I just want to get away somehow.
Whether she chooses to kill herself or not is not of your concern.
I'm dead serious. She's choosing that path to deal with the break up, not you. If she chooses to kill herself because of it, it's really nothing you should feel bad about. Detach yourself from her choice. She's trying to guilt you into staying because she knows that you'll blame yourself if she kills herself, when in reality, it's totally her fault if she decides that she absolutely needs to commit suicide.
>You slowly start packing things away. Don't take things you really don't need. Just forget about them.
>If the car is under your name, great, one less major thing to worry about.
>Also, if she doesn't have access to a car, there's no way for her to visit you unless she gets someone to take her. You should notify her family and friends that she has voiced her suicidal tendencies and that you please ask her not let her borrow their car or drive them to your home or your workplace for HER own safety. You let them know that you are afraid that she may do something irrational if she seeks you out.
>Cut the phone plan on the day you break up with her. That will remove any chance of her talking to you on the phone.
>Block on all website, inform your family that she may try to use them to get to you. When you have a break up with someone that close, you seriously need to let all of your family know so that they don't do something retarded.
>Speak with her family about her suicidal thoughts. That's not something you're equipped to handle. The family isn't either, but it's on them to be the support she will need.
>Let your work know that they should be on the look out for her, and if they see her, they should tell her you're out or not in work or something.
This is a good lesson for you.
Fake your death and get out of the country for a few months.
>>16969974
You own the car, so live in your car while you get your life together. My friends did that for awhile when they got the boot from their homes. If being with her is that bad, the living in the car will technically be a live improvement since you got all your time for yourself.
All the other stuff I wrote still stands, except you can't take much stuff with you and you can't rely on your family or theirs. Your goal is just to become a ghost and vanish as much as possible. Take some time off work or something and let your boss know what's going down, assuming you have a job that allows you to take time off.
Seriously, a family that would take the side of their own son's girlfriend over their own son definitely has some problems.
Good luck with your shit, famiglia.
>>16969939
>>i still care about her though
>Made up your mind, you wanna break up or not?
I said this because I want to make it clear I don't want to cause intentional harm toward her in however I go about breaking up with her.
>i wonder if she is serious about it. If she is, make her, problem solve itself. But she is bluffing anon. Seriously how did you not find out sooner she is crazy?
While I'm mostly certain she's saying this to manipulate me, I'm not certain if she's genuine about acting on it because she's never brought this up before. Again, my feelings for her do not allow me to be so casual with the possibility of causing her death.
All your other points seem good advice and I agree. It's just so. much. fucking. work and headache to accomplish it all, and top of that, I have to do it all without being noticed! Fuuuuuuuck.
>>16969940
I don't know if emotional and mental abuse qualifies.
>>16969978
>I'm dead serious. She's choosing that path to deal with the break up, not you.
I'm the type of person who doesn't give up on those I love, even if they're being shitty. I also don't place high value on blaming people, personally, but I live amongst people who do and they scare me with how they choose to behave based on that.
I really appreciate all the rest of your advice, though. You've given me a lot of ideas. Thank you very much.
>>16970001
>Seriously, a family that would take the side of their own son's girlfriend over their own son definitely has some problems.
I meant that my girlfriend's family would do this, not my own. My family wouldn't turn on me, but I do not trust my family enough to be able to accurately predict what they would do if I gave them any information about this.
>>16970042
>I don't know if emotional and mental abuse qualifies
yeah dude it absolutely does! mental/emotional abuse is a huge part of it, dont wait until she gets physically abusive to try and break the cycle
I know its really hard and can seem scary but do the right thing for you and break it up. You deserve better.
>>16970075
Contacting the police seems too drastic. I don't want to get the authorities involved and get her in trouble she doesn't deserve.
I can do what needs to be done but this all still seems like I'm destroying my life in pursuit of peace. I feel like a refugee.
The very next time she threatens to kill herself, call the police and tell them she threatened suicide.
Then, set to work. How long they can hold her depends on the state, but you generally have about 72 hours. File for a restraining order first, so that the paperwork has time to get through the system.
After this, you need three things, in the following order: a post-office box, a storage unit, and a hotel room. Call a moving company, tell them you're escaping an abusive partner, and have them move your stuff straight to the storage unit: pros are fast and efficient, and more to the point, nobody but you will know where your stuff is. Give them the PO box as your mailing address, just in case they try to send promotional materials; that way she won't get a clue as to the location of your stuff.
File change-of-address notifications for everyone you get mail from IMMEDIATELY. Get it all sent to the P.O. box: some of them will send confirmations to both addresses, and this way the confirmation will only lead yo the PO box, not to you. Ideally this should be in a place that is not convenient for you: she will assume that you live near it, so you can throw off her search a little.
The hotel room doesn't have to be for very long. Just long enough to find yourself an apartment, and that can be done in a day or two with some luck. Again, the PO box is your mailing address.
Sort your stuff as best you can for when the movers come. Leave a note saying she can keep anything you forgot. This is not being kind; it means that returning things you forgot is not a legitimate reason to contact you.
Go through your phone, and block her on anything. Encrypt your phone if you haven't already, change the password to something very long and totally random -you WANT to forget this password- and leave it behind. You will need a new phone anyway, and you don't want her coming after you for the phone. If even you can't remember the password, it's better than wiped.
(Continues)
>>16970090
CONTACTING THE POLICE IS NOT TOO DRASTIC
PLEASE DONT BE AFRAID TO GET THEM INVOLVED
I MADE THE MISTAKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO MAKE A WHILE BACK AND I SERIOUSLY REGRETTED NOT GETTING POLICE INVOLVED BC SHIT HITS THE FAN MAN
SHE IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSING YOU AND THAT QUALIFIES AS DOMESTIC ABUSE IN COURT
SERIOUSLY THOUGH YOU SERIOUSLY WANT THE POLICE ON YOUR SIDE WHEN SHIT HITS THE FAN
SERIOUSLY MAN
SERIOUSLY
>>16970227
this guy has some good ass advice
>>16970227
This anon.
It sucks ass to separate from someone you love who is destructive and dangerous. But you have to put your LIFE first. I don't say that lightly. You have to get out.
GL.
>>16970227
(Continued)
About the apartment location: it should not be near your workplace or the PO box. She will assume that it is. You want her to search around both places and come up blank: when it is clear that you could be anywhere, that'll take a lot of wind out of her sails. If you're lucky, she'll give up.
Take all of the passwords you ever used while you were with her, and NEVER USE THEM AGAIN. Change them all. Everywhere. Even for places you think she doesn't know about.
Delete every picture you have of her except one. Take that one to work, show it to your boss, explain the situation, and ask then to ban her from the premises. Note that because you have to bring this to work, all of the nob-worksafe pictures must go. Once you've gotten her banned from the premises, delete that pic too. Everyrhing must go.
Lastly -and this will be the hardest part- go dark. Even on places where you think you've blocked her. There may be a few people you have to tell ONCE that you're alive and OK, but your girlfriend has gone psycho and you need to disappear for a month. Minimize the number of people you tell this to: your parents, your closest friends who don't know her, sites where you're an administrator, and that's about it. Do not tell ANYONE where you are going; that way she cannot extract it from them through force or through manipulation.
And one final note, to help you rest easy: she will not kill herself. Ironically, she proved that when she threatened to kill herself if you didn't do what she wanted. Suicidal people don't do that: they push people away and let them do what they want, offering no resistance, out of a misguided belief that this will ease the pain for those they leave behind. She does the opposite: she clings and fights with no thought for your feelings. Someone like that isn't going to lay down and die just because her boyfriend left her.
I'm sorry, OP. This may seem extreme, but you said she was dangerous.
>>16970314
second this...
and one more thing. after a while (the dark period) you may need to explain to your broader friends, if she is such a psycho, she may actually say many things about you and you should set it straight before it escalates. You said she knows your family, you need to let them know why/what you did before she destroys it.
>>16969974
Dont come to /adv/ if you're only going to make excuses when someone actually gives you good advice.
>>16969897
>we live together
make arrangements to get out. this will likely mean living with a friend, or a parent, or subeltting. its temporary, so not that big a deal.
>all my belongings are mixed up with hers.
make a list of the things you REALLY want, and look for storage lockers that you can put them in until you find your own place. im assuming you gotta stay with a friend for a bit cuz ur on ur girlfriend parents cell phone plan so likely not super financially independent.
what you are going to do is plan a getaway for her. whether its waiting til she goe sout of town, or goe sto visit her parents or whatever. you find out when shes NOT going to be home (drive her there yourself) then come home, pack stuff up in your uhaul you rented, and bring it to your storage facility / new place.
>were connected on nearly every app and most websites we use
block her
>shes facebook friends with emmbers of my family
the ewek before, talk to your family, and ask that they all block her on the day you plan to move out, so that she cant contact them.
>she knows where my family lives
not an issue?
>she knows where i work
not an issue?
>shes threatened to kill herself if i dont figure out all our problems
figure out yours and leave hers for her.
>shes threatened to kil lherself if i dont continue dating her
alert her family to this as soon as you break up with her. like five minutes after.
>>16970763
after you moved all your stuff to your new place / your storage locker, you will pick her up from her parents or trip or whatever, and bring her back. your friend will be in the car with you (or family member)
when you all go inside she will see your stuff is missing. you will recite a very well rehearsed and concise speech about why you are breaking up. she will attempt to argue with you, you will not engage. you will repeat 'im sorry you feel that way, but i feel XX and nothing you say can change that'.
in 10 minutes your friend or family member will pull you back to the car so you can make your great escape.
as far as the joint place goes, you can pay ahead by about a month, or agree to continue paying your share for a month, kinda depends on your lease, that has to factor in.
if her parents are really nice and helpful, involve them before hand.
>>16969939
>>16969939
> so much fucking work
Yeah anything worth doing is going to be some work. You can pick a comfortable hell or a temporarily inconvenient heaven.
Stop being a pussy and being afraid of conflict. This is why this manipulating cunt attached herself to your life because she knew you are a scared little child.
You piece of shit pussy! Your weakness makes me so sick I want to vomit.
>>16970227
>>16970314
You smart.
You loyal.
I appreciate you.
Going dark won't be as hard for me as you think. I'm really antisocial and inactive as it is. I plan on factory resetting the phone and leaving it behind since it's not even mine to begin with. I've never shared any passwords with anyone. I use a pssword manager.
She didn't kill herself because I complied with her. That's the whole problem. I've spent far too long complying with demands that are deeply affecting me.
Thanks again for the advice.
>>16970851
This. I was like OP once. What he is experiencing is "Stockholm Syndrome". For some people, it takes a lot of willpower and courage to break free from a relationship. Once this psychological hurtle is overcome, everything else becomes easy.
>>16970314
"Ironically, she proved that when she threatened to kill herself if you didn't do what she wanted. Suicidal people don't do that"
You would be wrong from personal experience.
>>16970980
>You smart.
>You loyal.
>I appreciate you.
Thank you.
>I plan on factory resetting the phone and leaving it behind since it's not even mine to begin with.
Encrypt it first, then reset it. The encryption is just to make sure everything gets overwritten with "garbage" data (not really garbage, in this case, but it's as close as it gets).
>I've never shared any passwords with anyone. I use a pssword manager.
Excellent. You can use it to make the garbage password.
>She didn't kill herself because I complied with her.
That's what she wants you to think. Nobody wants to play chicken with someone making suicide threats, and that's what makes them so effective. But she wasn't going to kill herself over something you did.
This is why it's important not to tell ANYONE where you are going. She'll probably try to threaten everyone you know, the same way she threatens you, and you know how powerful that can be. Someone will talk: they'll probably feel really bad about it, but it's very, very hard to stand up to that kind of threat. Not telling them protects you, because they can't tell her what they don't know. But it also protects them, because if they can't talk, then they won't have to live with the fact that they talked.
>>16971016
It's analytical psychology. If she wanted to die, she would be withdrawn and have no qualms with death, but instead, is clinging desperately to ____. She does not want to die, and if you held her off the edge of a building, she would react with a desperate will to live, not an acceptance of death. Its a well known fact.
>>16971016
What I mean is that it's a well known fact that people who use their value as leverage, essentially "taking themselves hostage", are acting in desperation, and desperation is rooted in self-preservation.
hire an assassin to take her out?
>>16970851
>>16971008
To me, love is undying sacrifice. It's putting others before yourself no matter what. I've been sacrificing my mental health for hers. Yes, as a human, there's a limit. I'm just now reaching ithat limit. You can call me weak for staying by her for so long, but to me it was a testament of my love and determination. I'm not quit to forfeit when I'm truly determined. I strove to be the best I could without giving up. I tried my best for her. To me, that's what love truly is. Again, you can call me weak, but real niggas stay true to their niggas.
>>16971392
You are likely correct but I would not bet money on this position given the very convincing and spontaneous nature of her bluff.
you literally disconnect everything from her life. people make this shit out to be harder than it is, but it's that simple.
just take some time, set your phone down, and work on your problems then leave.
Happened to a friend of mine. She dumped him when he was in the hospital after a mental breakdown and drug overdose. Boxed up all of his shit, changed her locks, and changed her number. His mom was furious with her but you know what, fuck them. She doesn't owe that loser or his family anything.
You do what you have to do, Anon. Don't stay because you two are too intertwined in finances and social connections.
>>16970314
>>16970227
This sounds pretty solid OP.
Be prepared for her to play the victim and spread lies about you to your mutual friends. You don't have to defend yourself. Stick with the friends that don't believe her shit.
>>16972995
This is true, but you have first-strike advantage. When you say goodbye before going dark, give it to them straight: "My girlfriend gas gone crazy, and I think she might hurt me, so I need to disappear for a little while." This will color their reactions to what she says later: it's not a guarantee that they'll believe you over her, but it's your best chance, and even if they don't believe you, it'll still nag at them.
>>16970763
>she knows where my family lives
not an issue?
>she knows where i work
not an issue?
no, this is an issue. crazy knows no bounds.
>>16972899
She went about in such a brutal fashion, after he had a breakdown and overdose? Did he kill himself after?
That is a cunt move, and you know it. How long were they together?
>>16972899
>>16973373
I have to agree, dude had a breakdown and OD'd, that's cold hearted to bail while he's still recovering in the hospital.
>>16973373
>>16973390
OP here. That's what makes my situation tricky. My plan cannot involve acts that brutalize and cripple my gf's reputation or opportunities in the future. I want her to get better. I just can't wait around until she does because she's driving me insane in the meantime. I need an escape. It's a shame that all the advice so far for doing so so boils down to restarting and giving up the life I know, which is what I wanted to avoid in the first place.
>>16973568
>It's a shame that all the advice so far for doing so so boils down to restarting and giving up the life I know, which is what I wanted to avoid in the first place.
It's a shame, yes, but the problem with the life you know is that she knows it too. You need a life that she doesn't know, and you have about 72 hours to build it; you can't start sooner, or she might find out. This is doable, but it requires making sacrifices. I am sorry.
>>16973373
>>16973390
She found out he was stealing from her and cheating on her with his ex. When she confronted him, he freaked. To make matters worse, when she visited him in the hospital, his ex was already there. So she ended it and saved herself the trouble of having to deal with him anymore. They dated a couple years, maybe 2 or 3. He didn't kill himself. Instead married another woman (not his ex), had another drug problem and she kicked him to the curb after a year. We have a mutual friend that fills us in on his shenanigans.
Murder her and cut her up into different garbage bags and scatter them around so they get picked up by different garbage trucks and buried under mountains of trash so if the body is ever found it'll never be traced back to you. You have lots of opportunities here, especially if other people know she's suicidal/drives your car. Get creative. The only problem is how much of a pussy you are
>>16974178
>She found out he was stealing from her and cheating on her with his ex.
Then I'm not entirely sure these are equivalent situations. Your friend sounds like a schmuck, no question, but you haven't given any indication that he abused her.
Yes, leaving when your SO is away is a dick move: almost inexcusable, save in the very darkest times. Leaving a cheater is justified, but not like this. Leaving a thief is justified, but not like this.
Abuse, on the other hand, does justify these means. OP needs to get beyond her reach. That means making sure she cannot interfere, and that she cannot find him. Nothing else is safe, and no methods but these will work.
And yeah, it sucks for the one left behind. I certainly wouldn't want to be in her head when she gets home to find him gone. But she's the one who made it necessary, and that makes it hard to sympathize too terribly much.
>>16973373
I have to disagree. Those kinds of measures are often necessary when someone is mentally ill.
>>16975091
Not the person you were responding to (in fact I wrote the post just above yours). But although I agree that it's justified in circumstances like this, I think it's good to acknowledge that it's still a dick move. Absolutely necessary when there's abuse, yes, and the person being left behind is the only person to blame. But still, we should acknowledge that this is something someone does to survive, not because it is good.
I don't understand why you don't just tell her that you need to split with her, even for a while if you are not sure, or if you think that she will change for better in future. (?)
To me not seems hard at all, I mean to say that, it's probably will not feels good emotionally, but the most meaningful lessons in life are not supposed to feel good at all. If she just don't get it, and don't unerstand you, then proceed with the coldblooded and drastic way - ignore her etc. Move your life forward. If she really loves you, then she will let you find your way of living your life. Note that if her happiness is in expense of yours, and you are not happy with the compromises you make, then you shouldn't do it!
If you are afraid that she is overly attached girlfried, then you will need some time. You can always change the destination of your residence. Go outside of the coutry for a year. Take your time, and give her time, it can be rebooting of her psyche.
