>>16913551
Bump

>>16913551
Possible? Yes. Less likely than normal? Yes.

>>16913863
Let me rephrase this then. Is it IMPROBABLE to be happily married to a guy with kids?

>>16913879
>Is it IMPROBABLE to be happily married to a guy with kids?
They answered that.

>Less likely than normal? Yes. = Improbable.

It rarely happens. The ex is typically malicious, crazy, jealous, or overprotective of her role as mother to the children. Even if she's a nice, well-rounded individual, the mothering instincts will kick in and she will probably have issues with you at some point. Saying nasty things behind your back is the least of your problems. I've seen ex-wives/husbands do things to keep the kids from getting close to the new person, make the kids grow apart from the real mother/father (which will, in turn, make your partner distance themselves from you--kids come first), and go out of their way to make the romantic relationship inconvenient for you. That isn't to say that it can't work. You can make it work and be very unhappy in the process. A lot of people do it. But to continue with a relationship like this and still be happy, you have to get really fucking lucky.

>>16913902
>A lot of people do it
Then why do people do it if they become so unhappy?

>>16913551
Of course it is possible but its unlikely. A single parent 9/10 is indicative of a person who is either very selfish or has extremely poor judgement and decision making skills.

People who have these two traits on average make for shitty partners and thats ignoring the drama and mental trauma issues.

>>16913930
>Then why do people do it if they become so unhappy?
Because they go into it running on emotions, expecting the best possible outcome. Then bad shit starts to happen, emotions diminish, and they hope that things magically change. They don't. By the time they realize how unhappy they are, they're too dependent and low to do anything about it. If they hit their mid-life crisis, they'll experiment with freedom and might leave.

>>16913930
-Because they think they will be different from the usual case

-Drama and BS doesnt occour automatically and will generally only get bad once you are emotionally or economically invested.

-Single parents generally have lower standards hence for some people they can date above their usual attractiveness

-They like a lot of people in shit relationships think the other person will change or that they can change them.

-desperation

>>16914036
>>16914057
So 99.99% of the time it will lead to misery and not work.

>>16914022
>single parent
>9/10 indicative of someone who is selfish or has poor judgement

Just wow dude. That's a pretty fucking blanket statement there. What about relationships that don't end up working? You automatically assume a failed relationship (which literally everyone who has ever been in one has) means immediately they are a fucktard?
ohhhhkayyyy

My kid absolutely adores my gf, and his mom is happily married and has no issues with my gf. Her husband is nice enough, and honestly I have no issue with him other than maybe feeling a little bad for the guy that he has to deal with my ex.

Most likely going to get remarried to the new gf soon and we are planning on having kids. It's definitely an extra bit of baggage to navigate at the start of a relationship, as it adds variables to the mix that you have no control over, but it IS possible for people to be fucking adults.

>>16914102
>So 99.99% of the time it will lead to misery and not work.

Depends on what you classify as working and how high your standards are.

>Just wow dude. That's a pretty fucking blanket statement there. What about relationships that don't end up working? You automatically assume a failed relationship (which literally everyone who has ever been in one has) means immediately they are a fucktard?

Hence the 9/10, the fact that a person not only married but had a child with someone tends to show that

a). they are poor judges of character and overly impulsive rushing into a relationship before they properly knew what they wanted out of it as well as what their partner was like and wanted

b). They are poor communicators and indolent in that as soon as a problem occoured they lacked the will or ability to try and fix it.

>My kid absolutely adores my gf, and his mom is happily married and has no issues with my gf. Her husband is nice enough, and honestly I have no issue with him other than maybe feeling a little bad for the guy that he has to deal with my ex.

How long are in into the relationship and do you think people should base their decisions on outliers?

The fact that 2nd marriages have a much higher rate of failure than first ones is just an example of this.

>but it IS possible for people to be fucking adults.

I never said it wasnt. The man who burn marks from his frequent meth use can still be a good husband and Im am 100% sure there are some methheads who manage to be good parents however the vast majority are not and it is decietful to act as if it were otherwise.

Only time I've seen things like this work out if the parent you want to date is intelligent.
Meaning above average intelligence and also know what they want and have their life values straight.
For example that person should be able to tell that if his/hers ex is in the wrong if they pull random BS because jealousy and should be strong enough to confront them when such shit happens.
Since most people who have exes and kids usually dived into marriage without thinking it is highly unlikely you'll find these individuals very smart.

The best possible situation would be if the kids biological mom/dad left then you can literally replace the runaway parent since nobody has any contact with them. That sets you automatically apart as a better parent and the kids will accept you far more easily.
UNLESS the mom/dad often bring home gf/bfs then the kids will probably hate you forever (or atleast a very long time).
That's why you should never ever bring home anybody who you aren't very serious with, kids just get used to those men/women who come and go and it takes a long time for them to believe you aren't going away.

On the bright side here is a success story. (notice he was there for forever and the girl has no contact with her real dad).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSIjvF7-UIE

>>16913551
ugh... probably not

>probably say nasty things about you behind your back
A separated couple with kids either disdain eachother or simply don't want to be around one another. The kids are a strong bond. They both want them to do well most likely and unless one of them are problematic (abusive for instance) they'd prefer to be together until the kids are far along because of the kids I'd imagine because of the dual parent benefits.

It's a judgment you have to make on their relationship. I don't see it as an issue in general. It seems like a potential issue though.

>>16914797
>I don't see it as an issue in general
But everyone in this thread is talking about how kids are a big issue, simply because the mom will probably become rabid with maternal instincts

nope

>>16913551
>Is it possible to be happily married to a guy with kids?
Yes. There is baggage to deal with, but there is always baggage to deal with, kids or no, even in happy marriages.

>>16914913
But everyone else in this thread is like
>That isn't to say that it can't work. You can make it work and be very unhappy in the process
>Of course it is possible but its unlikely
>Then bad shit starts to happen, emotions diminish, and they hope that things magically change. They don't

>>16914920
Those are the redpillers. Ignore them. They have nohing to offer these discussions; they're just scared of the possibility of having a partner with more sexual experience than they do.

>>16914943
I don't know. I've seen threads where anons claim that the people who posted more positive responses have limited life experience/are women/are just trying to sound optimistic when this is not the case in reality.

How about this: a guy that is still in contact with his kids shows resposibility, mature, caring and definitely in it for the long run. Beats the guy that has never seen his kid or the wild card in my opinion.

Couldn't be bothered to read your thread because the premise bores me to death. Just thought I could genuinely help.

>>16914945
>>16914913
>>16914943
Notice how the poster who was in such a relationship did not disclose how long into it they were?

>Yes. There is baggage to deal with, but there is always baggage to deal with, kids or no, even in happy marriages.

The issue is that there is much more baggage to deal with than in regular relationships which is why they generally shouldnt not be your first or even second picks.

We judge people based on the choices they make, the good and the bad. Having Children and being married in this day and age is a choice just as in a majority of cases the ending of a relationship is.

If you think you can beat the numbers game or that she is worth it then go ahead but dont act as though it speaks nothing about their character.

>>16916203
So who is the most reliable?

>>16914307
9/10 =/= 99.99%
9/10 = .9 or 90/100 or 90%

>>16913551
People talk a lot. So what. You a woman or something that you're caring all hard about it?

All people have baggage. If you can't handle the kids dynamic, don't get into it.

>>16916980
I am a woman.

Raised by single mom here. Please stay away. People need to stop encouraging this retarded behavior. I wanted to kill myself every day from age 8-16. I hated my life so god damn much.
>people who should be gassed in descending order

>single parents
>deadbeats
>enablers

>>16917048
Also raised by a single mom who ended up disowning me at 17 because she "couldn't handle" parenting anymore.

Single parents fuck up childhood development, even if they are a god damn saint (which most, including mine, aren't).

You are making a huge sacrifice in your life by marrying a single parent. The only time it is ever permissible is if you are also a single parent and your kids are either very young or very old (i.e. out of the house).

It REALLY sucks when you find someone who is awesome in every way, shape, or form aside from having a kid but it truly is a deal breaker. You end up sacrificing so much when you marry a single parent, and you rarely get anything you are expecting in return.

The kids won't ever consider you genuine family outside of "The woman I need to be nice to because my dad is having sex with her" and the single parent will ALWAYS put their kids over you. The worst part? The kids will always be THEIR kids.

You can devote years of your life to raising his/her children and at the end of the day they will still pull the "They aren't even your kids anyway!" card when they want to, and it hurts like a motherfucker.

Stay away from single parents unless you've got a young'un of your own, OP.

>>16913551
>Is it possible to be happily married to a guy with kids?
Yep but it depends on one HUGE factor which is how you treat his kids.
Like you said his kids will always go first, the evil step mother from cinderella is very common because some women don't like it, I know a friend who is dealing with some shit with his new wife, he has a daughter from another relationship and two girls with his new wife, his daughter from the other relationship does not fit into the step moms perfect family picture and hardship between the three of them is possible.

My advice for you is to at least try with his kids but don't go over the top either, it will be tough and they may hate you for not being their mom but they are kids.
Never go down to their level, never hate them because eventually they will get old enough to realize your resentment and make your life hell.

Your best bet is either a good relationship with the kids or a neutral one, a bad one is out of the question.
It largely depends on you and the father. I know plenty of people who work out well with a partner with kids who are not theirs, my brother being one treats his step daughter like his actual daughter but does not try to be her real father who is still around.
If they hate you at the start they will eventually grow out of, it is also possible the mother will say shit about you, some people can be really childish.

>>16913551

It depends on the ex, but of course it is possible. Assume that it will be joint custody, but if the ex is cool then it won't be any issue.

Having a bitch for an ex will be drama, but just ignore it.

>>16916885
Well I can never speak to your particular values and needs so take it with a big grain of salt but in general you want to people who are good communicators - not charismatic mind you but capable of healthily expressing and dealing with their emotions and resolving conflict/disputes as well as their values.

Of course one of the difficulties with this is that these are traits that you cannot tell all that quickly, hence the fun of dating.

A person can have baggage but what is important is not only how much but how they are dealing with it.

hence why veteran with PTSD who is committed to undergoing and practicing therapy may be far less of a concern that a person who has a chain of failed short term relationships and an icy relationship with their friends and family and carries on as normal.

Still at the end of the day these are just like red flags- meant to stop you and force you to consider carefully rather than automatically cut off

>>16914307

You're a fucking retard. Comparing the chances of a meth addict being a good parent vs. a functional relationship with a father? Fucking laughably retarded.

Does it happen frequently where the mom is bitter? Yes, it does.

But kids get older, and recognize the shitty behavior of their mom (a lot of times). And even with a bitch as a mom, people still have functional relationships with the partner.

With joint custody, the kids would see their father 1/2 the time. So if the gf visited her guy 1/2 the time when the kids were over, that's only 25% of the time with kids.

People make it work all the time, you have no fucking clue about 10%. Just stupid.

>>16917133
>People make it work all the time,

Make it work is very different from being happily married

>>16917182

Meeting a guy w/kids is not going to affect that % by a significant amount. If two people are good-natured and can communicate, it doesn't make a difference how crazy the ex's are.

If the ex is really crazy, and OP is a solid woman, kids will eventually gravitate to her anyway. Might take years, but it will happen.

>>16917193
>Meeting a guy w/kids is not going to affect that % by a significant amount. If two people are good-natured and can communicate, it doesn't make a difference how crazy the ex's are.

My entire point is that people who have failed marriages tend to be those who have communication and nature problems hence being less desirable

>>16917205

But that is not related to a man having children. People make lots of bad judgements when they are younger. The guy could be a great guy, but married someone for the wrong reasons.

Older and wiser, he picks someone that he has more in common with.

This happens all the time. People grow, almost all people mature as they age. Even assholes who are younger learn to behave better.

Are older people universally wiser? No. But it does happen, most of the time.

A guy having kids is not a barrier to having a happy relationship, at all.

>>16914307
You obviously get your life experience on the Internet. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that even the best relationship you thought would never fail absolutely can. You can be with someone for years and then they cheat on you and it's over. All of us had thought forever would happen with someone it didn't. Sometimes you get pregnant because there are a millions ways to slip up and have it happen especially in a committed relationship. Missing a pill, antibiotics, pull out method failed(kek), condom broke, etc. I saw a girl have that little plastic birth control thing fall out during sex. It happens. They aren't shitty people for a relationship not working out. With that reasoning anyone with a failed relationship ever is shit.

>>16917219
Hence my comments in >>16917115

I think you are seriously misleading OP by acting as if someone with a child from a failed marriage is not a redflag.

>>16917253

It's not. Most people have children by a certain age, and a good percentage of those kids are from good people (none, one or both) that just didn't have a great connection.

It doesn't have to speak ill of the person at all.

I mean, if you're 19 and you have 3 kids and you're not married, you're a fuck up.

If you're 40 w/a divorce and 3 kids? That's kinda the average.

>>16917248
>You obviously get your life experience on the Internet. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that even the best relationship you thought would never fail absolutely can. You can be with someone for years and then they cheat on you and it's over. All of us had thought forever would happen with someone it didn't. Sometimes you get pregnant because there are a millions ways to slip up and have it happen especially in a committed relationship. Missing a pill, antibiotics, pull out method failed(kek), condom broke, etc. I saw a girl have that little plastic birth control thing fall out during sex. It happens. They aren't shitty people for a relationship not working out. With that reasoning anyone with a failed relationship ever is shit.

My posts are not about relationships but *marriage* which is a far more serious thing and requires a very conscious choice to hold yourself to a higher standard. There is no permanency in mere relationships, they end whilst marriages fail.

>>16917263
>I mean, if you're 19 and you have 3 kids and you're not married, you're a fuck up.

So given that we know nothing about the man in question you think its appropriate to just assume hes in the latter category?

>>16917272

Eh, point taken.

>>16917270
Stop being such an arrogant ass. Seriously what can you do if the person you love refuses to try and make it work? It's not giving up its taking the choice away from us. You can't force someone to be with you. Things happen. Marriage or relationship it's still two people.

>>16917085
Don't blame all single moms just because yours sucked.

This entire thread is ridiculous crap but it's understandable since most of you are 18-25. Shit, I BEGGED my parents to get divorced but no my mom was, is and will be my dad's slave forever.

>>16917304
A man and an escort is just two people. Dragging down marriage to just being two people is one of the reasons why people dont see the need to put the effort into making it work.

Marriage introduces a whole new element of intimacy and permanence that requires consideration beyond what is normal. If you dont want to even acknowledge that, then perhaps it is you who are being presumptuous

>>16917337
You're acting as if you have some super ability that can force someone to stay with you. You're so advanced your marriage can never and would never fail. If your wife/husband wants to leave you they are gonna leave. Just because it hasn't happened to you doesn't mean it won't.

>>16917362
Not at all, what you do have though is the ability to figure out whether a person (and yourself) are ready for the responsibilities and obligations of marriage. No more no less.

>>16917399
>>16917399
Sure. But that doesn't give you any kind of guarantee. It doesn't matter how prepared you are things happen and you still don't have to the ability to force someone to be with you. If you think 'oh it doesn't happen to these kinds of people' you're wrong. It happens to everyone. There is not a single specific group or type of person that has never in all his history not had a single marriage fail. Look down on others all you want but it doesn't make you better than them. It makes you a shitty person.

>>16917428
Which is why I told her in my earlier post there are no garuntees and to take all I post with a big grain of salt.

Just because there is no perfect group does not mean its wholly a game of chance and is more like poker than chess.

Single parents and second marriages are significantly more likely to fail percentage wise - once again no garuntees but just something to be mindful of.

Nothing particulary crazy or arrogant about that.

>>16917451
>Hence the 9/10, the fact that a person not only married but had a child with someone tends to show that

>a). they are poor judges of character and overly impulsive rushing into a relationship before they properly knew what they wanted out of it as well as what their partner was like and wanted

>b). They are poor communicators and indolent in that as soon as a problem occoured they lacked the will or ability to try and fix it.

Making these accusations against people because of something that can and does happen to anyone is pretty arrogant. You've had a failed relationship before too right? Then you are guilty of the same thing these people are and you statements must be true of you also.

>>16917477
For the third time these statements are made only in relation to marriage. I've not saying anyone who has had a relationship fail is deserving of such a critique only those who made a promise only to consciously break it. Why do you seek to conflate the two and compare apples to oranges ?

>>16917743
Because marriage is a relationship.

>>16917816
>Because marriage is a relationship.
But all relationships are not marriage.

Look at it another way: All apples are fruit but not all fruits are apples. Hence it would be stupid of me to say that you its perfectly fine to grow apples in acidic soil because it works out fine for orange trees.

>>16917854
What are you even talking about? The first post I responded to said nothing about marriage just single parents. You threw in marriage halfway through. We already determined you're full of it. Now you are literally comparing apples and oranges.

I mean it really depends on the situation. I said I would never date someone who was previously married and my husband was married for 11 years before we got together. Every relationship is different and people break up for a reason. I'm happily married and we have a baby (and another on the way) and my husband loves the shit out of our babies. I can tell you that if we were to ever solo, his dedication would be to the kids and not the other person so it depends on if you're needy or not. But everyone is different.

>>16917869
>What are you even talking about? The first post I responded to said nothing about marriage just single parents You threw in marriage halfway through.

Read the OP, which my post was a reply to. Its all about marraige, hence when I say partner it is within that context.

>Now you are literally comparing apples and oranges.

Reread your own posts (particulary >>16917816), I was simply showing you how your own logic worked through the common metaphor.

Do you actually disagree on my points to do with marriage or do you disagree with those points being applied to non marital relationships? If its the latter I can assure you that was never the intention of my posts

>>16916203
>poster who disclosed

Cause I don't live on 4chan.
7 years. My son is 9. I didn't bring him into the mix in relation to her until her and I were together for about a year. Mother remarried 3 years ago. She is not "mom" to him and won't be in any way until her and I are married. And even then, his mother and I have been able to work pretty well to make him understand what "new mommy" and "new daddy" means and he is comfortable with essentially having 4 parents.

There were ups and downs when he was younger. There will be ups and downs in any relationship.

>How long are in into the relationship and do you think people should base their decisions on outliers?

I am in my late 30s. At this age, it is rare to find someone that is single that does not have a child. I have many friends that are in relationships with women that have children from another relationship. They, in general, get along great with the kids and of course there are issues, but not anywhere near what you make it out to be.

>methheads
Your ability to compare a failed relationship/marriage to a methhead belies your ability to have any sort of valid discussion on the matter, yet you are the most vocal in your disapproval. I imagine you have had some sort of negative situation in your life that involved this topic. Take off your shit colored glasses for a moment or stop posting. You are painting people with a very broad brush and in my opinion talking out your ass.

>tends to show a) and b)
It really, really doesn't. By your estimation, everyone who is married/in a relationship and then has it fail is a poor judge of character. As well as "poor communicators" and "indolent".

>>16917182
It's literally not. "making it work" is the fucking definition of happily married. Read some studies on marriage and why they succeed and fail. The ONE thing common across all "happy" or successful marriages is that both partners approach the marriage, long term, as something they "make work" actively. If you live in the fantasy world (that a huge percentage of women do, although you sound like a dude) where marriage is a fairy tale thing that "just happens" and a "good marriage" means it's easy, you're simply ignoring reality and you can apply your 99.9% chance to possibility that your romance novel world will be shattered eventually.

>>16917930
>[your situation and parenting method]

Thats interesting approach.

>I am in my late 30s. At this age, it is rare to find someone that is single that does not have a child. I have many friends that are in relationships with women that have children from another relationship. They, in general, get along great with the kids and of course there are issues, but not anywhere near what you make it out to be. Your ability to compare a failed relationship/marriage to a methhead belies your ability to have any sort of valid discussion on the matter, yet you are the most vocal in your disapproval. I imagine you have had some sort of negative situation in your life that involved this topic. Take off your shit colored glasses for a moment or stop posting. You are painting people with a very broad brush and in my opinion talking out your ass.

I was a tad hyperbolic but the main thing I sought to highlight was the idea of choice relfecting on an individual. Take a look at the rest of my posts my points theres nothing to suggest they are the result of some pathological mental issue any more than the posters Im responding to.

Im just talking from my personal experience of someone who is married and has seen people who I associate have terrible experiences which seems to be backed up by the statistics. I will say though the the demographic Im in and associate with is a younger hence why our experiances are so different.

>It really, really doesn't. By your estimation, everyone who is married/in a relationship and then has it fail is a poor judge of character. As well as "poor communicators" and "indolent".

See >>16917854 I dont conflate marraiges with other types of relationships. Still unless your spouse dies or falls victim to some other tragic turn of fate if the marriage fails and that promise is broken voluntarily you are certainly deserving of one or more of those labels.

NO

You can't play from another woman's saved game

>>16918002
Well, I can only say this: I am one of those people that got themselves in a difficult situation when younger. My sons mother was an accident as was he, and I did as you put forth as the be all, I tried very hard to make the relationship work and we were engaged (from my desire to make sure he had a stable family more than anything else). She turned out to have some pretty fucked up mental issues and attempted suicide after succumbing to a pretty heavy pill addiction that I was not aware of. I removed myself and my son from the situation and she, through a few years of therapy and getting her shit together, actually became a pretty good mom. Our communication isn't always the best, cause there's shit from the past that I still resent and I'm sure she still resents, but our son is amazingly well-adjusted and we've both worked very hard to be honest with him about our lives and what these "new people" mean to him.

Had my current gf said, "he's got kids, it ain't gonna work" it would have taken away the possibility of us having what we have, which is wonderful and amazing and I thank whoever's up there every day for having her, and my son, in my life. She is an accomplished (doctor), well-adjusted woman and the journey we have taken together to navigate the fact that I have a son from another woman as well as her personal history has not always been easy, and I've always been honest with her about the facts of my previous relationship and what my son means to me.

We are probably way over into the "successful" end of the curve on these types of things, but again, at my age I know many, many people that have SOs with children from other relationships, and compared to some of the baggage I see people come into relationships with, children, to me, seems just normal. In fact, were I to meet a woman (or man) my age that hadn't experienced a marriage or children, I'd be probably more curious as to why not and what exactly that meant.

>>16918068
You know its rather strange, the people around me in this area have tended to be men who got involved with women very similar to your first wife (albiet they did not seek or practice therapy) and burned as a result.

>>16914022

> A single parent 9/10 is indicative of a person who is either very selfish or has extremely poor judgement and decision making skills.

i reject this supposition as the basis to make a judgement.

if a relationship reaches the marriage stage and children are involved before a split, there was likely a series of bad choices on both parts, yes. but selfishness is not the first goto among possible reasons.

>to OP

it is wildly dependant on the circumstances that the father ends up with the children.

in most western societies, a woman has to actively reject custodianship of her kids or be SERIOUSLY fucked up before the courts even THINK of awarding kids to the father.

so there's lots of things in play.

bump for interest

My parents divorced when I was about 4 years old, and my father ended up remarrying. Personally, I love my step mom and my real mother gets along with her well. Although, it would be hard not to get along with her considering that she's one of the nicest people I've ever met. Now, my father has two sons with her and they've been together for about 16 years. It's definitely possible.

>>16913879
From what I've seen, very.

>>16917193
>kids don't eventually turn into people, they are always pure innocent kind wonderful little rays of sunshine forever
>the kids will stop resenting stepmommy if mommy is a big enough bitch for a long enough time
>they won't take after their mother and become raging megacunts in her stead
>this is a thing that doesn't happen, relax, everything will be FINE!

This thread is fucking retarded
70% of marriaged get divorced
Once you hit 30 dating people with kids already will be one of your only options