Fucked up. So I asked this really shy girl out. To my surprise, she accepted. We hung out in a tea shop for a while just talking about our interests and backgrounds and stuff. She confessed that she suffered from anxiety. At some point after that I asked her out on a date and she kind of recoiled in horror, explaining that she was afraid of eventually letting me down.
So without thinking, I wrote the bitch a poem trying to convey they idea that she should not let fears of possible let downs keep her from living and shit. Wrote it in my finest handwriting and passed it to her to read later.
She's not yet responded even a little bit. I think I tripped all of her alarms. Can I salvage this?
>>16905263
>wrote the bitch a poem
my sides
she was making an excuse because after talking to you she realised you're not her type but didn't want to say no
>>16905263
>kind of recoiled in horror
my favorite female reaction
as if the idea of spending an hour with an ugly man making small talk truly is just as bad as waking up one morning with bugs crawling on your face
>>16905270
>my sides
I understand your concerns, but I figured it was a good move because she's an English major, and because we've been communicating via notes passed in class for a while.
> has anxiety
Throw her away. You want nothing to do with the disturbed.
>>16905280
That was my initial reaction, but being totally okay with the idea of being rejected, I dropped the line of discussion and switched back to talking about class. Only after she kept stressing how she couldn't promise me anything did I stop her and ask what it was that she wanted for her. Irrespective of her concern for others.
She sort of froze up, so I told her to forget about the date until later on.
>>16905287
>I wrote a poem for an English major to impress her
Why not try to impress a culinary student by making a TV dinner for her?
>>16905309
i was gonna say painting a lopsided unicorn for a painter
>>16905309
Eh, I've had people praise my sorry poems so I know I'm not too terrible. But really I just thought the sentiment I wanted to communicate was best communicated via a poem. To say "I think you're really swell and you have a tendency to under rate yourself" seems a little dry.
>>16905263
Where do you find single women? In 3 years I have literally never met one. Literally every single one is married or in a relationship (or a child. that one was embarassing)
>>16905333
I play the numbers game and date everything until I find ones who are both within the bounds of what I'm looking for and who are willing to go out with me. It's not hard, but if you're a bleeding heart romantic then cases like this arise.
>>16905325
Post the poem. I will be honest in judgement and not needlessly mean.
>>16905270
>>16905263
Bitches love poems
Bost it.
I can't even imagine myself writing a poem unless I want to get rid of the girl and every other girl within communication reach of that girl and her peers.
It'd be genocidal really. They'd desperately build spacecrafts and as to not promote the patriarchy they'd move away from aerodynamic shapes. The lives lost counts in the millions before they decide to war against the soil I stand on.
>>16905389
I'll be real, anon. I'm ever so slightly worried she may lurk /adv/. Instead I'll give you a different poem I wrote my ex, who I'm certain lurks /adv/. This stanza is about two years old.
>A curious scene it was, when we first met,
>You were eager to learn and see new things.
>As a partridge first spreading its wings.
>A brief moment, though one I won’t forget.
>Yet there are times you do seem quite upset,
>As though you suffered from a poison sting.
>It'd do me well to hear this partridge sing,
>And ever more, if we were a duet.
I'm a sappy motherfucker, but I've come to terms with this. In any case, the poem I wrote for the girl I recently went out with wasn't iambic and I didn't pay any attention to the meter, but I wrote it with the rhyme scheme of a typical sonnet. When I showed it to my confidant, she told me it reminded of her Yeats, who I didn't know at the time. When I discovered who Yeats was I was quite flattered.
>>16905421
>>16905421
Cringy. Your phrases are choppy and imagery is weak. It looks like you were grasping for words to rhyme, then filling in things you thought could make them work. ABBAABBA pattern is off-putting.
>>16905421
*hurk*
>>16905460
Rhyme scheme was deliberate and not something I normally would have done, but my ex was Italian and that's apparently how Italian sonnets are written so I went with it. The poison sting is a callback to a poem of her she showed me. In any case, I appreciate your criticism.
But crappy poetry aside, let's generously assume the lady was not put off by the poem, per se. How can I salvage this situation?
>>16905494
If you think your poem is comparable to an Italian sonnet, you have dunning-kruger
>>16905548
>dunning-kruger
No way dude, my poetry is totally good and I'm certainly next in line to be poet laureate. You just don't understand my poetic genius.
>>16905537
Be friends with her first. She's either genuinely anxious about relationships or she simply isn't interested, but it'd be hard to tell. Anxious people may take longer to reply to you. If you've tried several times, and she doesn't respond, then she's probably not interested and it has nothing to do with anxiety.
>>16905537
What does "salvage" mean, exactly? Because she already rejected you flat-out when you asked for a date. The poem WAS your last-ditch attempt to salvage the situation, and it's been ignored. So really I think the thing to do is let it go and move on before it gets embarrassing
>>16905777
That seems reasonable. I've never really dealt with anxiety myself, but my friend who has was expressing that when she was a bit worse she would basically regard everything as a possible threat, and that she believed she would always be a burden to anyone. It was so bad in her case that she would internally justify being in an abusive relationship because "it was her fault." What I got from that conversation with her was that I needed to be very mindful of the pressures I might be introducing because anything which threatens the status quo could be perceived as harmful, and genuinely harmful things could be going on without anyone's notice.
The girl who I asked out, in addition to expressing that she deals with anxiety, also told me she lost her younger brother in an accident. Her parents, from what I gathered from our time together in the tea shop are very protective.She received more than a few calls. Because she hadn't told her parents that she was going out with a friend. As a matter of fact, she can't drive and she gets to and from school with either her father or a close friend of hers. She's 23.
All that said, I'm still not totally sure if I'm dealing with someone who just needs time, or someone who wants nothing to do with me.
>>16905798
>she already rejected you flat-out when you asked for a date
I wish it were so simple.
>>16905870
>I wish it were so simple.
How is it not simple?
I know she gave you some variation of "it's not you, it's me," but come on OP, it was clearly a brush-off. If she was interested, she knows how to reach you.
>>16905280
You've obviously have no idea what you're talking about.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YIywnvQpS9c
Imagine spending an hour with her.
It would suck but it's probably do-able, right? Plus you don't want to be a dick and hurt her feelings so what's the worst that could happen?
Now imagine that women just like her ask you out on a date every other day. Every day you have off from work or from school, you have to spend a portion of it listening to this crap. But you don't want to be an ass and reject them outright.
So you suffer through it as it becomes worse and worse, and eventually you just have enough and you can barely stop yourself from cringing the entire time.
If you want a little snapshot of what it's like to go on a date with really awkward men, watch this video on a loop for an hour and a half any day when you have a bit of free time.
See how long you can tolerate it.
>>16905883
Because someone with anxiety issues agreed to be driven to an off campus tea shop by a classmate she knew next to nothing about, outside of school, going way outside of her comfort zone knowing her parents would be wondering what was going on only to flake out precisely when things became "real" enough for her think twice about it.
>first date
>starts talking about anxiety disorder
Fucking run op.
That's not first date convo material
>>16905916
Oh god, yuck. Too much enthusiasm.
>>16905931
Holy fuck, this.
>>16905931
>Fucking run op.
She's smart, cute, and otherwise cool enough for me to appreciate her company.
>>16905956
Yeah, that's what we all think right before we get fucked over. I double dare you to find a guy that wasn't thinking like this before getting fucked over by a girl.
>>16905956
Ok- but I think you're missing the part where she's a fucking psycho.
The fact that she mentioned the anxiety thing so early on means, that to her, it's a core part of who she is.
Don't stick your dick in crazy op.
There are plenty of cute, cool, SANE girls who will love you one day. Don't waste your time with one who is giving you some really obvious red flags.
>>16905963
I know. I'm probably codependent or some shit. I don't mind being a crutch or anything like that, and I don't mind being burned. Right now I just want to improve the chances that I'll be able to persuade this girl to open up to me so that I can take her to see some theatre and opera. She told me she'd always been curious, but has never actually gotten to see anything live.
Alright OP how about this latter?
First date was triggering most of her anxiety. You sucked at making her feel better so right off the bat she thinks about giving you a second chance. Spend a little more time and now she thinks you completely suck. I'm pretty sure she wasn't shy at first but was just trying to ignore you or avoid you. This girl is very generous and very respectful. But dude. GET THE FUCKING HINT.
She doesn't like. She didn't want to go out again. You spoiled your first impression and now you made her feel fucking weirded out by giving her a poem.
Right now she is looking at you like some kind of loser. It sucks that you really liked her and such but dude move on. Please for the love of all humanity. Find someone else .Do better next time AND NO POEMS.
>>16905994
You're not following the same thread. We've only gone out together once. It was going well until I provided a romantic context at which point she became extra irrational. Otherwise, you're possibly spot on. But I'm kind of hoping there's still a shot I can take.
>>16906013
Whoops sorry dude. But yeah, no more shots if she just drops you like that. She probably doesn't want to deal with you anymore.Find someone else man.
Ok woman with anxiety here but just one perspective so take it with a grain of salt.
I wanted a guy, love and all that fun stuff. I was scared shitless and fucked up a lot of encounters and left a lot of spaghetti trying to find it but when I wanted it I tried.
So what I'm getting here are two possibilities.
1. She's not interested. If she was she would try. She would at least respond to keep it going, because responding is rather low risk in my head. (He already initiated, he's interested still, etc.)
2. She's interested but her anxiety is so bad she wont do anything about it. A lot of people are warning you about sticking your dick in crazy but not really explaining. See the thing is in this case she has things to work on. Self improvement before she'll be the kind of strong partner you'll need to make a successful long lasting relationship. She's probably an awesome person despite these problems but until she works on them there's going to be problems. The first one is her total unavailability at the moment. Imagine you get past this wall, what's coming next?
Either way OP, the ball is in her court. Until she volleys back you might as well set your energy towards other things.
P.S. I think a poem can be totally adorable, problem is I would only want one from someone I was really crazy about, otherwise it would feel awkward. Poetry is kind of indicative of more serious feelings.
>>16906291
>1. She's not interested. If she was she would try. She would at least respond to keep it going, because responding is rather low risk in my head. (He already initiated, he's interested still, etc.)
Yeah, I can see what you mean. The poem wasn't a love poem or anything, and I even wrote in the note accompanying it that I was sorry for asking for a date so suddenly and that I was more interested in becoming friends first.
Radio silence at this point is a bad sign. I'm just confused. If she hadn't told me that she has anxiety and that her sibling died when she was young, I'd be fucking off someplace else.
>2. She's interested but her anxiety is so bad she wont do anything about it. ... The first one is her total unavailability at the moment. Imagine you get past this wall, what's coming next?
I know this is just blind idiot speculation, but what if part of the reason she flipped at the notion of a date was because she's had bad relationships before. Tremendous let downs or betrayals, Being confronted with something like that might explain things a little. I know for certain that if I get passed this wall I'll take her places she expressed an interest in going, buy her lunch, and eventually hold her hand. Both my patience and my desire to see my partners smile are pretty ridiculous.
>Either way OP, the ball is in her court. Until she volleys back you might as well set your energy towards other things.
We'll inevitably have to talk again because of project we're working on over Spring break. Sucks because I feel like communicating with her now will only make her uncomfortable and I have no idea how long it'll take her for her to process all this.
>>16905263
The poem scared her off. Had the same problem with my gf who has anxiety. They can't handle someone actually liking them. It's hell to work past, and it might not be worth it. You sure about this girl, OP?
>>16905421
I wouldn't say it's bad, but it's not appropriate for the situation.
>>16907088
Thanks. I'll take that. That was a poem for a different woman though.
Fuck it, not enough people hated my last shitty poem. I should do that again.
>Save for the transience of each instant,
>There is nothing in life which rings eternal.
>Just to keep life's songs from growing distant,
>You might transcribe them into a journal.
>Fear of hurt can make one resistant,
>To truly appreciate the world external.
>Tis on this charge that I am insistent.
>Be rid of your bonds—your prison infernal.
>Do you think your words have no consequence?
>Because I think they are lyrics to a song yet unsung.
>In you, I have the greatest confidence,
>That passion so brilliant has yet to be sprung.
And there's a rhyming couplet after that, but I'm not posting it.
>>16907084
How did that work for you? I'm interested enough to not date other people for a while.
Nigga don't listen to deer when hunting you ask a hunter.
Honestly anxiety or not women are down right horrible at self improvement.
She won't change so why even go at it.
If she brushed you off that's a shit way of doing it.
If she didn't she's basically a social potato why kick it with a tard
>>16907149
>If she didn't she's basically a social potato why kick it with a tard
Given the choice between a social butterfly and a bookish girl, I'd choose the latter.
>>16907097
How did that work out for you?
Well...... We broke up a week ago. Kind of. Hard to say, she might respond still. And if you're not in it for the long haul, it's best not to try at all. You'll just end up frustrated and she'll end up feeling horrible about it. People with anxiety (at least her) have trouble understanding and relating to love. You'll spend a long time in the friendzone, mon amis.
Also, that poem was WAY too personal.
>>16907097
>>16907621
>Well...... We broke up a week ago.
Shit, how long did it last? Who broke it off?
>And if you're not in it for the long haul, it's best not to try at all. You'll just end up frustrated and she'll end up feeling horrible about it. People with anxiety (at least her) have trouble understanding and relating to love.
I have no issues with commitment and I require less maintenance than one of those old Nokia phones.
>Also, that poem was WAY too personal.
Rereading it now, yeah. You're probably right. I might have cut pretty deeply, depending on how deeply she reads into it.
>>16905931
I start talking about my past drug use a social issues either on the first or second date, does this explain why I've never had a third
I also confessed to a girl on the first date
>>16907829
>How long did it last?
It was a thing for about 6 years, but it didn't really get serious until a year and a half ago. She got diagnosed about a year ago I think it was.
She broke it off through my best friend because she didn't want to talk directly to me. To be fair, I did push the issue of being a "boyfriend" too hard I think. Haven't talked to her since.
>I have no issues with commitment
That's not the problem here. She'll keep you far enough to make you frustrated, but close enough to feel guilty about moving on. Since we lived a city apart and both of you see each other often, I can't help you out there, but don't expect too much for the first few months. Don't even think about sex. Are you sure about this? Like, engagement tier sure?
>>16905923
Maybe the date didn't go as well as you think it did, man. "Anxiety issues" or not, she's an adult and it's not really your place to second-guess her decisions or assume she doesn't know what's good for her. If she wanted to see you again, she would've said yes.
>>16907900
>She broke it off through my best friend because she didn't want to talk directly to me. To be fair, I did push the issue of being a "boyfriend" too hard I think. Haven't talked to her since.
Ouch. That's tremendously painful just thinking about it. Especially after six years.
>Since we lived a city apart and both of you see each other often, I can't help you out there, but don't expect too much for the first few months. Don't even think about sex. Are you sure about this? Like, engagement tier sure?
Well, we're classmates, but I'm worried that the rest of the semester will just be awkward silence at this point. As for my needs, I'll be fine. One of the reasons my ex broke up with me is because she was so much hornier than me that she felt dirty.
>>16907933
>it's not really your place to second-guess her decisions or assume she doesn't know what's good for her
I know, and I have no desire to downplay how much of an ass I am. She said she wanted to experience theater and opera, and I told her that I'd love to give her that opportunity. She said she was worried about hurting me, so I told her I would give it to her with no strings attached just because I find her company pleasant.
>>16905263
Writing a poem is one of the most autistic things you could've done.
>>16908685
Alright, I'm probably on the spectrum then.
>>16905263
Nice going Shakespeare.
>>16905263
Geez. How old are you?
>>16908967
24.
>>16905263
If someone's shy, the best way to get them to open up to you is the exact opposite of what you've done - putting them directly in the spotlight.
You've given the initiative to date which is good, but the pressure you're putting on her is enormous, especially with a hand-written poem within a short time.
Play it chill and casual. Stop escalating. Ask her if she wants to go out for coffee sometime, and then hang out somewhere she enjoys, even if that means at home. The less pressure, the better.
>>16909215
>Play it chill and casual. Stop escalating. Ask her if she wants to go out for coffee sometime, and then hang out somewhere she enjoys, even if that means at home. The less pressure, the better.
I feel like that would have been really good advice earlier. What can I do now that I've already gone and either terrified her or weirded her out or some combination of both?
Status update:
After >>16907621 I sent her a text apologizing in case I was too personal as I didn't mean to offend. To this moment I've not received a b response. Uh oh.
>>16909789
Yeah, you're probably fucked. Just give it up at this point.
>>16905320
I am a painter and if a guy did that for me I would think it was sweet. and if we ended up together I would treasure it.
>>16905263
Nothing needs salvaging. You did good. Ignore the trolls.
You made a move without making a spreadsheet weighing the pros and cons, that's good. You worry now that it was the wrong move. Probably not. Probably it's fine. Things genereally are.
Her not responding could mean a lot of different things, especially given her anxiety. If it's been more than a few days, go ahead and ask her out again.
You're doing fine, anon. Nothing is fucked.
Hey Op, i'm in a similiar situation as you. Problem is, I haven't asked the girl out yet and I'm definetly sure she is shy around me. One day, she stood behind me without saying anything until I looked back and she smiled
>>16905916
Poor women, it's a real shame that awkward men desire companionship. They should know better
>>16910272
Anon, for the most part, the others don't believe in me. But you've given me a hope to grasp on to. You've allowed me to justify my self-serving optimism and pathological naivete. I'll give her a few days to cool down and collect her thoughts, then ask her on Wednesday or Thursday if she would like to hang out on Saturday as friends.
Just back off for her sake. You don't seem to understand how someone like her might feel and you'll just hurt her.
You need to take it slow with someone like her and keep it casual until you're sure you actually really like her. It's really hard for people with anxiety to open up so if you come on so strong in the beginning and end up deciding you aren't up for it after all it'll hurt her like hell.
>>16911050
To be honest OP, I think this shit is kind of pimp. You gave no fucks and literally wrote this bitch a poem. Who the fuck does that anymore? That's badass dude
>>16905421
What is your fascination with partridges? Do they even sing? You should have just said bird.
>>16911119
>Just back off for her sake.
I intend to. Should I approach her concerning our group assignment, or should I let her approach me as the deadline gets closer?
>It's really hard for people with anxiety to open up so if you come on so strong in the beginning and end up deciding you aren't up for it after all it'll hurt her like hell.
If we generously assume that the two of us even have any chemistry, we won't have to worry about me leaving her stranded.
>>16911213
Thanks anon. I get that it's bizarre to be as forward as I am, but I just sort of tell myself that whatever I don't drive away is precisely what I'm looking for. I'm not interested in playing games. That said, I don't want to hurt anyone along the way, so I'm really unsettled that I acted so brazenly with a woman who either thinks I'm extremely weird, or is genuinely scared of seeing me again for fear of being responsible for my hurt. Or some weird combo.
>>16911218
Two syllables and also symbolic of wisdom in some circles. Also by sheer coincidence, she was a December baby and thought I picked the bird specifically for her, but that was a happy accident. It's not the greatest poem, but it made her smile, so I'm content with it.
